Episode: 68
4 Simple Ways to Stop Giving a Sh*t About What Other People Think of You
a Solo Episode
This is a masterclass in ignoring others’ opinions and living life on your own terms.
Mel empowers you with 4 simple ways to stop caring about what other people think by using examples from her own life to get you to see that you shouldn’t care so much either.
After this episode, you’ll take more risks. You’ll stop holding yourself back. You’ll probably make more money and have more fun.
Listen on:
Why would you change who you are at your core just so somebody else feels better?
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:03):
Oh my God. So we just had this team meeting and we were talking about the podcast episodes we're going to tape this week, and one of the topics was the subject of how to not give a shit and somebody chimed in, well Mel, you don't give a shit about a lot of things. I'm like, really? What do you mean what did I do? And then once I respond to their evidence proving to you that I give no shit, I'm going to give you my four rules, the four rules for how you two can learn how to not give. Alright? Who wants to go first? What did I do last week, you guys? I am sitting here going, what the hell did I do? I thought it was a great trip.
(00:00:38):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. So we just had this team meeting and we were talking about the podcast episodes we're going to tape this week. And one of the topics was the subject of how to not give a shit like the art of not giving a shit about things that don't matter. And somebody chimed in our team meeting, well Mel, you don't give a shit about a lot of things. I'm like, really? They're like, yeah, last week in la Oh my God, you were out of control. I'm like, what do you mean? What did I do? And so welcome to an impromptu episode. I have dragged Christine, our COO and CFO here. I've got Jesse who runs video and video production. I've got Amy, who is one of our senior members of the team and a senior producer.
(00:01:26):
We have Camryn, who is also a producer on our team. And by the way, we've got a bazillion other people that we would've dragged here, but we got a lot of other stuff we need to do for you. And these guys really had a lot of examples about how yours truly was acting out of control last week. Literally give zero shits. And I don't know what the examples are. So I said, guys, let's just jump on Zoom and let's just lay it on me. And then once I respond to their evidence proving to you that I give no shits, I'm going to give you my four rules, the four rules for how you two can learn how to not give a shit. And we're going to give you two simple things you can start doing at the end of the episode so that you can practice this. Alright? Who wants to go first? What did I do last week, you guys? I am sitting here going, what the hell did I do? I thought it was a great trip. I mean, is not giving a shit really a bad thing. I personally think it's the secret to life.
Amy (00:02:23):
It's a great thing, but it's shocking when you do it. I think really, especially the way you do it sometimes, Mel.
Mel Robbins (00:02:32):
Okay, this is Amy, one of our senior producers on the show. Hi everybody. Okay, lay it on me. What did I do last week in Los Angeles? That was shocking.
Amy (00:02:42):
Well, first thing is we were having a team meeting outside. We needed to get a little sun and you needed to get maybe a little more sun than everybody else desired to get. Do you want to take it from here, Christine, to talk about the outfit and Well, you better have set
Mel Robbins (00:03:00):
Table attitude. Set the table. Where were we and what do you mean? We needed more sun.
Amy (00:03:03):
We were outside for, and Mel and I are from Vermont and Christine's from Chicago, so we're all a little pasty and somewhat translucent as you say, Mel, at this point, it's early spring and we haven't seen the sun in a long time. So we were in LA outside at the cafe in the hotel that we were staying at, and there was a lot of sunshine
Amy (00:03:26):
And we were all soaking it up and loving it. And you were too, right, Mel? Yes. You were loving that. And then it got a little hot and everybody else thought, let's get out of the sun. Mel thought, let's just take our shirts off. That makes it sound worse than it was. But that is I think maybe one of the things that you said. I'm just going to take my shirt off now. You had a shirt on underneath? Yes, thank
Mel Robbins (00:03:51):
God. No, I had skims brand new, this is not an ad, but I did buy skims for the first time. I bought a bodysuit and I do have to give skims a thumbs up. It was a tank top bodysuit that had a thong back, but the thong was quite wide, so it did not operate dental floss up my rear end, which I also think I explained to all of you as I pulled my t-shirt off and revealed the fact that I was wearing a medium compression tank, top thong body suit with my jeans that basically looks like a bathing suit.
Amy (00:04:29):
Yeah, no, it looked like a baby. She threw bathing tube she threw, but I think it didn't stop there, right, Christine? It was like, okay, so she had the top on and then
Christine (00:04:42):
She had the top on, but I could see her nipples. So I'm like, that felt like an HR violation to have the team there and you were totally down with it. But I'm like, okay, can we, you're like, oh, I'll put my t-shirt over. And so you tucked the T-shirt you were wearing into the top of the body suit so that it was just kind of across your chest.
Mel Robbins (00:05:04):
It was like a chest apron is what it was. I was covering the top, so it was like a drapery across. I was using an opaque chocolate brown skims and I took that off and I was wearing a nude bodysuit, so it didn't exactly look like a bathing suit. It looked like a nude bodysuit, meaning nude color, not nude. And then I put the t-shirt. It was not long sleeve, otherwise I would've tied it around my boobs and instead I just tucked it into the front like a bib and I covered my nipples so that I could get some sun. And it was not an HR violation in front of the four women that were sitting at the table. And I think now what was so shocking about that, because I have to say there was a pool that was approximately 40 yards from us. We are on the same. We're technically on a pool deck in the restaurant area. And then Christine, for those of you that are listening to this, I want to tell you, this may be one of those episodes that you do after you're done listening, want to check out on YouTube because we do film all our episodes and we will be putting up photos because Christine did take a photo of me and can I see it? I haven't seen it. Can I see it? Is it really bad? I mean it's pretty bad.
Christine (00:06:29):
It's pretty bad. It is not flattering.
Mel Robbins (00:06:31):
Pat, will you pass me a phone? Okay, this is ugly, but mainly because I have a really bad farmer's tan and I'm starting to get sunburnt on my arms and the undercarriage of my arms. What are those muscles that we do this with? Triceps. Triceps. The triceps are really flabby and white. So the tan is not uniform. In fact, it's not even coming in Ann, but it's appropriate. I mean it looks like a shirt tucked into a bra is what it looks like. Okay, so that's number one. And you're right, I didn't give a shit. I sat there, I got my son, and then when we moved back into the shade, I put my shirt on. Okay, was that the shocking example?
Amy (00:07:10):
Yeah. I mean I think that's pretty shocking. I think it's pretty shocking to not just stop at the fact that you're not wearing a bathing suit or stop at the fact that your nipples are showing or stop at the fact that you're tucking a shirt into your camisole. What even is that? Or stop at the fact that you don't have sunscreen on. There were a lot of moments, I think many people would've heated the stop sign or at least yield a little bit, but you floored it to the sun and you got what you wanted and you didn't give a shit. I didn't give a shit.
Mel Robbins (00:07:48):
I didn't give a shit. I'm sitting with four ladies. We're all from the northeast. I am so pale. I'm translucent and I needed a little vitamin B. Okay, I think I can roll with that one. What's the next example? And by the way, that was Christine who is our chief operating officer. Was that an HR violation?
Christine (00:08:07):
I'm pretty sure that in most cultures that would be unacceptable.
Mel Robbins (00:08:11):
Well, okay. And instead at 1 4 3 studios we make a podcast episode. Okay. Okay. So what else should I do? Okay, who has the next one?
Christine (00:08:25):
Well then later that day we had a meeting scheduled with an important meeting with somebody we've never met before with Audible. And I took note of the fact that you're wearing open toe shoes, which in my previous corporate experience would not be the way you would show up for a first time meeting. But wait
Mel Robbins (00:08:46):
Open to, what are you talking about? First of all, who made up a rule that you can't wear open toed shoes?
Christine (00:08:53):
I think in general, toes are kind of a touchy subject. Not everybody wants to see people's feet, especially in a professional environment, even though it was casual it we were meeting out for after work kind of drink situation. But still, I intentionally packed closed toe shoes just for that meeting. You did? I
Mel Robbins (00:09:14):
Did. So can you walk me through the thinking that goes into giving a shit about clothes toed? Clothes toed, I can't even say it. Clothes, toe shoes, cover toed, covered toed shoes, cover toes, ballerina slippers.
Christine (00:09:28):
Yeah. Yeah. I was wearing, I wore ballet flats because I didn't want to show up for a meeting with my toes exposed. So I left my sandals at home so that I would have appropriate footwear for a first meeting, which never crossed your mind. And I noticed your toes right away, but then I didn't say anything because obviously
Christine (00:09:50):
You're the boss, you can show up however you want for those meetings.
Mel Robbins (00:09:54):
Well, you're kind of the boss. You run the price. I just break the rules apparently. So never in a million years did it even cross my mind that open toed shoes are a problem for any kind of meeting. First of all,
Amy (00:10:11):
I think open toes, shoes are like the neck hair of the, you know what I mean? You don't want to see neck hair button, that top button get your toes covered up. Really? Come on now.
Mel Robbins (00:10:22):
I dunno. I've got my Birkenstocks on right now. It's an open toed shoes right now. So to make it even worse, Christine has immaculate toes. You always have a gorgeous high gloss, bright red, polished situation going down. I not only had open toes everybody, but I happened to have gangly kind of situation with the pedicure not getting them that often. Now in Vermont, did not have on Polish might've been shipped, but here's my thinking. I'm thinking those weren't just open toed shoes, bitch. Those were Valentino wedge espadrilles that I had bought to wear to graduation. And so I put those puppies on a fricking Ferrari on my feet. I strutted into Soho house LA like the baller I am. And you were right behind me strutting in your Chanel ballet plats because Christine, don't you mistake that voice everybody? I always say, yes, Christine's the badass business bitch that says no. And so she was walking in those ballet shoes like a dumpster truck ready to do some business. And so I go striding in there. I had no idea that you glanced at my toes and you judged me.
Christine (00:11:48):
I did judge you. I didn't have any idea that they were fancy shoes. All I saw was your toes. So I'm like, whatever.
Mel Robbins (00:11:55):
Well, would it have mattered if they had been fancy or would you have just rolled your eyes and been like, she's just making a mistake with a couple hundred dollars instead of making it with flip flops, but she's making a mistake.
Christine (00:12:06):
Well, again, you are you a hundred percent all the time. So again, I wasn't going to say anything. We were walking out the door because of course we were late. And so yeah, I was judging a little. But again, it's your meeting your call
Amy (00:12:27):
Possibly with good reason, the judging.
Mel Robbins (00:12:30):
I don't think so. See, I don't think anybody notices your feet. We, and I don't think anybody's not going to do business with you because you have asper drills on.
Christine (00:12:39):
I'm going to call on some backup here. Camryn, you worked at a law firm. Am I alone in thinking that this is a kind of corporate no-go in some environments
Camryn (00:12:49):
Is definitely a no-go. And also if you have unpainted toes, I think it a little worse.
Mel Robbins (00:12:56):
Malware your toes painted. No. Yeah, no. No, they were not. They might've even had dirt on 'em for all I know. I wasn't looking down there. I had on also the very in fashion bell bottom jeans. And just to make a point, this is one of the top deal makers at Audible. A person that says yes or no, somebody we have never met and a really important meeting. And so here I am thinking, Ooh, yeah, I got an important meeting. I'm going to pull on a high waist to bell bottom jeans in la and that is what the badass bitch women boss situation. And then I'm going to pull on my expensive Valentino wedge things with the studs because man, it shows I don't give a shit. I make money. I don't need you to say yes or no. And I'm going to breeze in there with my COO who is always the deal maker and we are going to wow the shit out of this thing. I didn't for a second think about my toes because I gave a shit about other things, which is killing the meeting, which I do believe I did.
Christine (00:13:57):
You did an amazing job.
Mel Robbins (00:13:58):
Thank you. And did I do anything else wrong in the meeting?
(00:14:04):
I think so. I think I did. I think I did. I think I actually know what happened. I think I know what happened. See, I went into that meeting going, I'm not going to drink tonight because we got a big celebratory weekend and I don't want to say anything stupid at a business meeting with somebody I've never met. And so we meet the guy, I immediately love him, just a great guy. He's like an entrepreneur inside big organizations. He's the guy and I can tell he's a deal maker. I can tell he just loves to be innovative and that's exactly how we roll and it's why we have this incredible, unprecedented relationship doing all these original projects with Audible. So he goes, are you guys going to have something to drink? And I said, yeah, well, I think I'm just going to have a seltzer with some bitters on ice and a wine glass with a twist doing the non-alcoholic thing. And he is like, oh, I thought you liked gin. And I'm like, I love gin. Let's get gin. And so now I'm in and I go all in. And that was probably another Mel doesn't give a shit, but this is a no-no. Would you say that Christine?
Christine (00:15:08):
Yeah, definitely took the meaning it probably a different direction than if we would've stuck with the seltzer and the bitters, but I think it was a very enjoyable meeting. I think for sure we got to be fast friends probably quicker than otherwise.
Mel Robbins (00:15:23):
That's true. The gin always lubricates me a little bit. I started dropping the F-bombs, which always is what happens when I drink and it leads to a very productive business meeting. And I don't give a shit, I guess, right? I don't give a shit. Christine's smile is so tight. I wish you guys could see that. That's the smile that she gives me in meetings where she's like, you can shut up now. Let the adults take it from here. Was there anything else? I did. Okay, we've taken the shirt off and tucked it into the front of my body suit. I've worn open toed shoes to a massively important business meeting. I have had two, maybe three gin and tonics with the person at Audible and we had an amazing time. So much so that he then texted our literary agent to say that he was both afraid and extraordinarily excited and impressed by what just happened. He did not. I would like to point out, mention that it was a problem though that Mel was wearing open toed shoes. Just want to point that out everybody.
Christine (00:16:28):
Yep. Not a problem.
Mel Robbins (00:16:30):
Anything else? That's all you got you guys. That's it.
Christine (00:16:34):
Well, that was Monday. What did I do next? Yeah, so then Tuesday we went to a hot yoga class, which we usually do while we're in LA. And it was a super sweaty hot class, but obviously I've been to a lot of these, but I'm always amazed that no matter how terrible the look or the situation that you're generally recording a selfie on the way out about how amazing you feel coming out, which is true. It's not always easy to get there, but coming out you always feel like, Hey, I'm so glad we did that. You're recording, you're going live and this day you really run over. You were so hot and sweaty and
Mel Robbins (00:17:25):
Your sinuses were bothering you and without fail, you're recording your selfie. And I just am always impressed. And I think it really connects with people when we're out and we're talking to people about how real you are of how you show up at really what is truly one of your worst looking moments of being out of this class because you're hot, you're sweaty, you're just a mess, and you just are ready to go live and share that. And I think because you do that, I know other women that we run into are always feeling like Mel makes a huge difference because I'm like, if Mel Robbins can do this with all the people that she is connecting with, then what am I worried about? And I think there's something very freeing in that. And so I'm always, that's a
Mel Robbins (00:18:14):
Compliment.
Christine (00:18:14):
I think it's a huge compliment. Well, thank you. It is a huge compliment. But then I think it also is freeing for you too because I think because you do that at those worst moments, then you never really are concerned about what those other moments are, where maybe other people would feel self-conscious because you've already shared what at those moments.
Mel Robbins (00:18:36):
So if I'm hearing you correctly, I look like absolute shit is what you did
Christine (00:18:42):
Look like absolute shit. And we will pull up the post for folks so they can see exactly what we're talking about. For anybody who's watching on YouTube,
Mel Robbins (00:18:51):
Just to give you a visual, everybody tomatoes in high summer August at a farmer's market, bright, deep, opaque, shiny red. That was basically the color of my face. My hair is starting to grow out, so the roots are coming in nice and gray. And I put on my glasses and they fogged up. For all I know, I had a camel toe and I was walking down the sidewalk in LA outside of the yoga studio, headed to my favorite coffee shop to basically get a cup of liquid caffeinated sugar. And I pulled out that phone, I thought, you know what? I did not want to go this morning. My sinuses are bothering me. I know you can relate to that. And so I just start filming and I agree, I looked like absolute shit, but here's what I think. I walk around looking like that, so why would I be worried about putting it online?
(00:19:51):
If you walk into the grocery store wearing a pair of yoga tights and your bra is showing through your
Mel Robbins (00:20:02):
T-shirt and you're sweaty and your hair's a mess, why do you feel bad putting a photo of yourself looking like that online? You got to stop and consider that you're okay going out in public or being around friends looking like crap because that's how we all look in real life. But somehow that's not acceptable on social media. And so it's been very liberating for me to just go, fuck it. I don't care what I look like. I walk into a grocery store looking like this. I know I look like shit, who cares? But the public and what I look like in public is exactly what I'm willing and I think you should put on social media because if you don't, you're subconsciously giving a shit about your appearance.
(00:20:50):
And I think that's really, as you guys keep teeing up, these examples of where I'm either completely violating social norms, like the no Toes policy, which I was unaware of, or I am being really offensive by taking my shirt off and doing what I thought was a very polite, discrete move of covering my nipples with my t-shirt so I could get some sun. I feel depressed and translucent like a gray dolphin living here in southern Vermont. But I think the real liberating thing about learning how to give a shit is that you put your energy toward giving a shit towards things that matter, and you spend less time draining your energy on the shit that really doesn't matter. And one of the things that I gave up a long time ago, Christine, is worrying about what I looked like, and maybe it was because of the experience of being a commentator on CNN, because when I was on CNN, I was on CNN as you know, Christine as an on-air commentator, a paid legal commentator. There were only five of us in the entire world that were on that team. And it was a really cool job analyzing some of the biggest cases of our time.
(00:22:00):
I noticed something that whenever I would be on TV and I would have an opinion about, particularly a case that people were really hot about like Trayvon Martin's murder or what happened in Ferguson or Freddie Gray or Tamir Rice, and I'm a criminal defense attorney, and so I am adding in commentary as a defense attorney. I noticed that when people criticized me, they never criticized what I said. People on Twitter or on social media. Here I am on television talking about a very serious topic. I take the job very seriously. They're like, you old fucking bag. Have you seen your neck say, just dragging down my jowls that look like saddlebags or my saggy ass Turkey gizzard neck, or just constantly trashing me that I just learned how to tune it out and I started to not care. And there's something very liberating about leaving an exercise class and your mascara from last night is running down your face like Dracula and going and getting your coffee anyway. Why? Because you don't give a shit what the other people who are standing in line around you. Think about the fact that your fucking mascara is running and half of them you're probably never going to see again anyway, so who gives a fuck? But I spent way too much time caring way too much about what other people might think and it chokes you. So yeah, I did look like shit that day. I did. We'll post that video soon. Okay, what's next? What else did I do?
Christine (00:23:39):
Well, I mean, I think then Wednesday we had our first live event for our course offering for launch with Mel Robbins. And as a surprise, our team had pre-ordered some props for the event to make it a celebration. And the course was called Launch with Mel Robbins. So they had purchased a space suit with a helmet and a popup tent shaped like a rocket ship.
Amy (00:24:12):
Lemme just say here, Christine, just before you go on, everything Christine is describing is child size. So 10-year-old job, it not like a normal fitting space suit or a big helmet that you had to put on or a tent that an adult should even be in. These were all things that needed a squeeze to get into. So I just want to let the audience get that visual.
Camryn (00:24:43):
Let me also add that these were purchased in hopes of just having them on the desk that you were perched upon. They weren't actually in hopes of you putting anything on. We just wanted to get you energized by looking at it, having it background. And so when we brought them out and you were so ecstatic and you were like, I'm putting this on, it was definitely a little more of a is that actually going to fit on her? I thought it was just sitting on the desk,
Amy (00:25:17):
Right? Is that a space suit or a skin suit?
Mel Robbins (00:25:21):
Yes. Sort of a skin tight astronaut suit. Yeah. Somehow I missed in the setup. I was so surprised. And to paint the picture, we're doing this six month long coaching program. We have 5,000 people waiting from around the world to log on to our first live training. I'm in the serious studios and they pull out all these props. I'm like, awesome. And I start pulling it on with minutes to go before we're supposed to be live. And I kind of pull it up and it did fit skims. I had to suck way in and do that. When you try to pull your jeans on and you've had pizza or bread and you've got your bread basket and you got to kind of do the butt tuck to get the zipper to kind of go in, it's like the human equivalent of sitting on your suitcase to compress it.
(00:26:16):
Well anyway, that's what I do. I either jump from my bed to the floor to get it up or Well, anyway, I had to do that with the entire thing. And then the helmet was so tight, you guys, I had to take my glasses off and my ponytail out to squeeze the child's size helmet onto my head. And then I climbed into what was probably a three foot tall spaceship play pin that you might put up at the beach so that a baby could take a nap in it. And so I'm sitting in there squashed like a ball with this helmet grinding into my shoulders. Why? Because I don't give a shit. You know what I give a shit about? I give a shit about the enthusiasm and the surprise and delight that it's going to create, that I would be willing to do something so ridiculous in order to surprise my students that are in launch. That's why I did it. Now, there was a downside to this because we're learning about Mel Robbins, my enthusiasm and my badassery that leads me to not give a shit about certain things like open toed shoes or the fact that I'm wearing Spanx in public next to a pool, well kind of next to a pool. I'm technically leaning on that a little bit too much. There was an actual fence between the restaurant and the pool.
(00:27:42):
I don't think through things very often. And so what I didn't think through is that I'd be in a tiny little basically uterus with no circulation in a suit that is cutting off any possibility of airflow and a helmet that is slowly constricting my breathing. So now my body temperature is up to about 120 and I come climbing out of this thing. I can barely get the helmet up over my ear, so I have to flip the thing open and talk through it. I get the helmet off and then I have another problem. The suit is not only so tight that I have to do a strip tease in front of 5,000 people to get the thing off, but it's got elastic things around the ankles and I can't get over my shoes. So I begin our first live training on the ground trying to pull this fucking thing off of my shoes in front of 5,000 people watching. I think it was a pretty big hit.
Christine (00:28:44):
It was a huge hit.
Mel Robbins (00:28:46):
Huge.
Christine (00:28:46):
It was a huge hit. And it was a good reminder to me because when I saw these props and we were putting them together in the green room, I had some concerns because people were watching the tent and people were guessing in the comments of, I think Mel's in there. I think Mel's in there. And I didn't know, I didn't even know that you were in there because I didn't think you could fit. I thought it was just like, this is too small. So I just thought, and I thought you were going to pop out from the side. So when you came out of that tent and I wasn't in the room, I was watching on the app, I was like, no fucking way. And you popped out and everyone went bananas on all of the chat and comment. It was a huge hit. And again, a reminder,
Mel Robbins (00:29:32):
I just go ahead.
Christine (00:29:34):
Yeah, no, just a really reminder to me of things aren't that serious. And to have more fun because I think
Mel Robbins (00:29:41):
Next time I'll wear my open toed shoes, Kristen. We'll let the garbage trucks pull in
(00:29:50):
And in fact, we'll take a quick pause while the garbage trucks and the dogs bark to your word from our sponsors and we'll be right back with the four ways to learn how to not give a shit. Okay, YouTube, I know you're watching this on YouTube. Everybody that's listening to this podcast just went to a commercial break. But my friend are here with me, which is where I tell you I give a shit about creating great YouTube videos for you, which means I need your support, subscribe. I don't know where the hell the button is, but it's right down there. Subscribe to this channel because I can bring you a video every single day because of the support of our sponsors. Subscribers really matter, particularly for a show like ours. And while you're at it, you can subscribe to the show on Apple, on Amazon Music, on Spotify, wherever you listen to your podcasts.
(00:30:35):
It really, really, really helps. Don't be a free leader. I give a shit about my subscribers. Thank you for being one. Back to the show. That story that you just told about the fact that you did not realize that I was in that little tent because you didn't think I could fit into it, gave me a visual. And here's the visual. And the visual is this. We spend so much time twisting ourselves in knots about unimportant things. And we just talked about how hideous, I'll use the word hideous. I literally looked hideous. I mean, I not only had a tomato red face and crazy witch hair and foggy glasses and bad breath and impacted sinuses and probably throwing in a camel toe in there too. I didn't have anything tied around my waist.
(00:31:31):
But not giving a shit about that is very liberating because otherwise I'd be embarrassed by my own existence walking down the sidewalk. And I would twist myself in knots worrying about what do I look like and how right is my face? Is my face coming down and maybe I should go back to the hotel and take a shower and get this makeup off my face and blow my nose before I get a cup of coffee. And all of that energy twisting myself around what other people may be thinking rather than just being okay, not giving a shit. It's so liberating. And I think about that example of for how long I was willing to twist myself into little spaces that didn't fit and how painful it can be when you hide who you are, when you're embarrassed about what you look like, when you worry about what other people think about what you're wearing. And yet, it's also the flip side is when you give a shit about the right things, twisting yourself into spaces like a small tent is an act of joy because it's aligned what you value. I didn't give a shit how small that little hole was.
Mel Robbins (00:32:43):
I had to army crawl my ass in there in order to get in, and then I had to swirl around a centipede to curl up in there like a little ball because it was so aligned with my values, my values of wanting to serve, of wanting to bring fun, of wanting to demonstrate something which was enthusiasm and surprise and celebration and not giving a shit, being willing to do that kind of stuff. And so as we continue to go deeper in all these examples of how I'm oblivious at times and how I've worked actually really hard to get to this point of acceptance and this point of focusing on caring about things that I value and trying to completely disregard aspects of life that I just don't give a shit about. That visual of the tent and why it's important to twist yourself when it's about your values versus twisting yourself when it's not. That's really helpful to see. Did I do anything else that day?
(00:33:56):
Probably,
Christine (00:33:58):
Probably is probably the right answer, but I don't have any specifics. Me neither. If anyone does. I
Mel Robbins (00:34:02):
Do Botox.
(00:34:04):
Oh, oh my gosh. So I got Botox, everybody in my jaw joint and I've been going to the same dermatologist for over a decade. I love her. I trust her. She's sensational. And I've been having tremendous pain in my jaw, grinding, trouble eating. And both my primary and my dermatologist was like, you got to get Botox in your jaw. And when she felt my jaw, she's like, holy shit, that's a tense muscle. You're going to have to have a little extra. And I'm like, okay, as long as you make the pain go away. And she said, well, it could impact your smile. I'm like, I don't care. I can't eat at this point. Just take the pain away. Well, she shot me up and let me tell you something, it impacted my smile. I look like a taking a shit when I have a smile.
(00:34:50):
And so this is something that I am self-conscious about. So all week long as we're in Los Angeles and we did a bunch of interviews, I'm having to really try to manage that. My lips are curling up because if I do a close smile, try to lip smile like you keep your mouth smiled, my lips suck in. Like our body language expert warned us about, what's that called? A lip liberal. A liberal. I do a lip roll and it looks like I'm frowning. And then if I try to do a big toothy smile, I look like I'm grinding out of shit. I'm like clenching. And so I had to tell every single expert we had, now look, I'm going to give a kissy face in this because if I try to give you a smile, I'm going to look like I'm growling at you. And so I now have a week's worth of photos from both graduation week and the podcast where I'm kissing experts and kissing in the air and I look completely ridiculous, but at least I can chew food and the pain has gone away. But I'm never getting Botox in my jaw again. But right now you don't give a shit. I don't. But it bothers me a little. But I'm trying to direct my attention away from how I look and just go, Mel, it looks like shit, but whatever. What was the CNN
Amy (00:36:10):
Story? Exactly what you said. Can I read to you what some people said to you on CNN? Wait, you have it? I do. Oh my God. She went back in time. I think a lot of it you remembered, but this is pretty brutal. I have four outstanding comments. Let's say that your neck is saggy, just like your opinions. It's funny now, but you were probably like when you got that right, that was
Amy (00:36:36):
It's funny now, but you were probably like 'Gulp' when you got that right, that was
Mel Robbins (00:36:42):
Probably, yeah, I really hurt in the beginning.
Amy (00:36:43):
Yeah, probably hurt. I
Mel Robbins (00:36:44):
Sure did.
Amy (00:36:45):
You should go back to the hole you crawled out of.
Mel Robbins (00:36:49):
It was a deep hole.
Amy (00:36:50):
Now we know you're an expert on crawling out of small spaces. Yes. Why is someone so ugly on television?
Mel Robbins (00:36:59):
Ouch. Nice because I'm smarter than you. Fuck face.
Amy (00:37:06):
Okay, the last one. How does a moron like you have a law degree? I cheated.
Mel Robbins (00:37:19):
That's how to not give a shit. Well, you know how I learned how to not give a shit is I started to visualize empathy helps a lot. So couple things on other people's opinions. Number one, let's just take a minute and zoom out and have some perspective and imagine what is the life of a person A is sitting on their phone watching tv, nonstop sounding off at pundits online. What does their life actually look like? I would imagine hypertension, I would imagine a lot of negativity. I'm going to throw in a little alcohol or drug abuse. Probably a small circle of friends not getting a lot of sex. I would imagine perhaps living in your parents' basement. I would think your bills are piled sky high if that's how you're spending your time. If you truly spend time sounding off at strangers online, your life sucks.
(00:38:29):
And so feeling sorry for somebody that cuts you off in traffic, or even the mean girls, mean girls are shitty people. You know how insecure they are. If you need a fucking purse and a designer, whatever, in order to have high self-esteem, you are really fucking insecure. And so I kind of just look at people that are critical of other people, even though I'm being critical of other people for the sake of humor with a lot of sympathy, like wow, must really suck for you to watch TV and feel so offended or triggered by what I'm saying, that you are taking time and energy to not only write about it, but to spread negativity. That's a really awful place to live your life. I hope you find a good therapist at some point and you get the healing you deserve. And so understanding the greater context and not making it about you, I really mean that. I think about lots of experiences of just mean cliques of people and how they look down on other people. And I literally say to myself, I would hate to be part of that friend group. And one rule of thumb that I think about a lot is this. I think small minds talk about other people and really cool, big creative minds talk about ideas. They talk about things, they talk about the future, and that's what I'm interested in. And so when you kind of make it not so personal, that helps a lot.
(00:40:08):
And when you elevate yourself above the kind of pettiness and the criticism and the negativity that other people might throw at you, it helps me rise above it. And the truth is, there are days I look like shit, and there are days that I probably look like I shouldn't be on tv. And you know what? I don't give a shit. So it helps a lot. It helps a lot because it's mentally healthy to be able to detach. And a lot of your mental health struggles, whether it's anxiety or disconnection or paranoia, it's all a result in many, many, many cases of you being way too concerned about shit out of your control and way too focused on stories that you're telling yourself that aren't even true. And so if anybody's out there gossiping about me, you need to get better hobbies. You really do. If you're looking down on other people or notice the next time you go into a social setting and notice how much time is spent talking about people who aren't there, if that's what's happening in your social setting and it's not like a structured conversation around you seeking advice about a situation, which is very different than gossiping.
Mel Robbins (00:41:29):
You can seek advice about a situation with another person in your personal life, in your family or in business and not have it be gossiping. But if you're engaged in constant banter about other people who aren't present, you need bigger goals. You need to do more with your life and you need to assess who you're hanging out with because when they gossip with you, they're going to gossip about you when you leave. That's what those kinds of people do. And so it helps to not gossip yourself because I think gossip is one of those things that you also start giving a shit about things that don't matter because gossiping is caring about shit that doesn't matter. And I don't think very successful people or accomplished artists or the greatest entrepreneurs are wasting time giving a shit about gossiping about other people. And I used to be a big gossiper. I can say this with certainty because I used to be that insecure, desperate, clingy, anxious, competitive bitch. And I'm not that person anymore. And gossiping was a big thing in my twenties. It is not part of my life anymore at all. Was there anything else I did that kind of is on the, oh, I farted at work the other day. Jesse, you want to tell everybody about that? And then I took photos of Jesse laughing and put 'em in the slack. Was that an HR violation? Probably.
Christine (00:43:03):
Well, that's again a situation where I saw it shared in Slack, and I'm thinking, oh boy. And then before I could stop it, I saw it been posted already of
Mel Robbins (00:43:15):
Oh, on the stories. I put on the stories.
Christine (00:43:17):
Yeah, you put it on the stories. I was like,
Jesse (00:43:22):
I can't say I've ever had a boss fart in front of me before.
Mel Robbins (00:43:26):
Have hysteric. You just didn't know they farted in front of you. They just hid it. That's
Jesse (00:43:30):
True. But you did the lean on a cheek to make it known that this is coming. It's coming, it's coming. And there was no time to run. We were stuck. And I can't help but laugh at farts. They're great. It was a memory that I'll never forget. And you did it not once, but twice.
Mel Robbins (00:43:50):
Well, you laugh for a minute straight. Oh, I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop.
Jesse (00:43:54):
It was hilarious.
Mel Robbins (00:43:55):
Could not. Now this is a woman, by the way, who's worked at nascar. She's worked for the Baltimore Ravens, and you've never heard anyone at work fart?
Jesse (00:44:03):
No. Especially
Mel Robbins (00:44:05):
A female. No. Especially a female.
Jesse (00:44:09):
How are their toes farts and toes farts and toes people? It made my day. But
Mel Robbins (00:44:16):
You didn't give a shit. You had to fart. Well, thank God I didn't give a shit because then I wouldn't be able to wear those underwear again. Too much, Mel. Too much. Too much. Too much. Hopefully they won't edit that out.
(00:44:35):
Oh man. What do you not have colleagues fart at work? I just so funny.
(00:44:54):
Okay, Camryn, anything else? You quit a job at a law firm to come here.
Camryn (00:45:02):
I know. Best decision I've ever made. I don't know if we want to talk about Dr. Amy, but I think that was a great example of how you can give a shit without not being a dick, which is such a hard skills master and you have it down pat where you can give really honest feedback without coming off as condescending. And so it's just you being open and free and vulnerable and honest and sharing your experience and then giving someone that same kind of feedback and honesty.
Mel Robbins (00:45:37):
What did I do? No, I'm serious. What are you, because well tell everybody who is Dr. Amy Shah and what the hell did I do that is in this realm of walking what is clearly a fine line?
Camryn (00:45:53):
Okay, so Dr. Amy Shah was an expert that we had come on the podcast all about hormones, eating habits, menopause great episodes that came out of that interview. And when she arrived, she definitely looked up to you a lot as a mentor. And when she sat down, you asked her like you do with most guests, what do you want me to call you? And at that moment she said, Amy, just Amy. And she is a double board certified doctor. Ivy League degrees from Harvard and Columbia definitely has the expertise to go by doctor. And you said, I think that's a bad idea. And you said it in a very graceful way, but a very honest, and I don't really give a shit if you aren't going by Dr. Amy, you need to be going by Dr. Amy and here's why. And I think that level of honesty, especially in a space where, I don't know, people are kind of walking on eggshells a lot about what do you want me to call you? What do you go by? And you're very honest about what you think, and I think you do it in such an amazing way that you're walking the line of being a dick, but you're not a dick obviously. So giving a shit without being a dick I think is pretty much the hardest thing to master.
Mel Robbins (00:47:15):
How do you think, what did you observe? Well, first of all, Camryn, thank you. And we have, I'm sure that clip, so let's play that moment right now. Do you want me to call you Dr. Amy?
Dr. Amy Shah (00:47:32):
No, Amy,
Mel Robbins (00:47:34):
But you are a doctor.
Dr. Amy Shah (00:47:35):
Yeah, but if I was your doctor, you could call me Dr. Amy. You don't need to call me Dr. Amy if we're in a conversation.
Mel Robbins (00:47:42):
Okay. Do you want me to call you Dr. Shah?
Dr. Amy Shah (00:47:44):
No. You
Mel Robbins (00:47:45):
Sure? Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm going to make sure that we, I don't know. I might push back on that with you. Yeah, maybe you should go by Dr. Amy. Okay. I don't know what is it? Whatever you prefer for me, it's whatever you're comfortable with, but I don't know. I feel like if I could give you some coaching Yeah, please. Because I've just already told you not to wear your blazer, but to wear a lab coat is I think it's incredible that you're a nutritionist and that you are also a medical doctor and you worked your ass off to get that degree. And I want you to own doctor, and that's what you are.
Dr. Amy Shah (00:48:28):
No, that's great. Thank you. But I think that it's like you always come from a place of wanting to be relatable and humble. I know for example, that some of the things that we're going to talk about, it's not really coming only just from my medical experience, it's also from my personal experience or something. I would talk to a friend or a colleague. And so either way it goes, it's I'm
Mel Robbins (00:48:54):
Call you either Dr. Shah or Dr. Amy.
Dr. Amy Shah (00:48:56):
Okay. Dr. Amy then.
Mel Robbins (00:48:57):
Okay, great. Dr. Amy, because I feel as though you have this authority in your background and I want you to profoundly claim it. You're already relatable. You're already going to bring your life's experience to it. And I feel that the next level, I just felt the need to tell you
Dr. Amy Shah (00:49:19):
This,
Mel Robbins (00:49:19):
The next quantum level up for you is in really embracing the doctor in the doctor Amy.
Dr. Amy Shah (00:49:26):
Yeah. And I love that. Thank you. I mean, there's so much noise out there that to hear something from somebody like you who kind of knows has been through it, that any more life coaching advice, go for it.
Mel Robbins (00:49:41):
Well, and that's why, because I feel like there's a lot of noise,
(00:49:45):
And it's one of the reasons why I wanted to talk to you, Dr. Amy, because there's a lot of noise on TikTok. There's a lot of noise on social media. There are a lot of wellness experts that got themselves in shape and they have a lot of important things to say. But you are a licensed and trained nutritionist with Ivy League degrees and you're also a medical doctor, and you understand not just nutrition as a lifestyle, but you understand nutrition and the science of nutrition. And so when I'm listening to somebody who's a wellness expert who has figured this out in their life, I listen to them differently than I listened to a medical doctor
(00:50:30):
Who is figuring this out in her own life, who is also a nutritionist and understands it from the inside out. And so I'm thrilled that you're here and I want to start with, so thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. That was interesting to hear that back. And I wanted to ask you a question, Camryn, what is it that makes that exchange not feel like I'm either ganging up on her or I'm being a condescending jerk? What's the advice to anybody listening? Because giving feedback like that's really hard because you don't want somebody to feel demoralized. You don't want them to go, oh shit, I should have been doing this forever. But for me personally, I am so committed to helping other women and to helping other, especially people that have diverse backgrounds, be elevated and have bigger platforms and be widely respected and to own their power that I feel so passionate about it that you're right, I don't want to trample on somebody, but I know I'm fucking right. I give a shit that she cares about this.
Camryn (00:51:39):
Yeah, I think what made the encounter so different is that at the core of it was just a level of kindness and the amount that you care for people really was shining through versus you coming off as judgmental. It was coming from a place of I want to really offer you this advice and this is going to be brutal and honest, and people are going to be like, wow, she really doesn't give a fuck. She's going there. But in many ways you do give a shit because you're giving really authentic, valuable, and tangible advice to someone who really was open to listening to it.
Mel Robbins (00:52:17):
Camryn, you just gave me this huge wake up moment, and I want to unpack it with you because I think it's going to be helpful to everyone listening.
Mel Robbins (00:52:25):
So since the topic is learning how to not give a shit, which is also the topic of learning how to give a shit about what matters In relationships. I used to struggle all the time with walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around issues, seeing somebody in a bad relationship but not wanting to say anything because she's really in love with them or whatever. Or seeing somebody getting walked all over at work and not wanting to say anything. And I used to not say things because I gave a shit about somebody being mad at me or disappointed or hurting their feelings. And I personally look back on that and say to myself, you're a bad friend. You should have given a shit. You should have given a shit, Mel, so much so that you were willing to risk somebody being disappointed or mad with you, that you told them the truth and you told them the truth because you cared about 'em and you needed somebody to tell them the truth. Have you ever been in that kind of situation because you strike me Camryn so much as somebody that can boom, just get right to the heart of something like that. Your mind is so powerful.
Camryn (00:53:42):
Yeah, I feel like I've always been the honest friend, but it definitely has been a line that I've walked and sometimes I've crossed over it and I've come off as a dick. And I think that's, as I've reflected and gotten older, trying to find that balance of when can I not give a shit and really just say it as it is, but when is it going to cross the line? And there's been many moments where I feel like it's been necessary and it's important to remember when you're, I feel like Dr. Amy reacted in the perfect way. She was really honored that you were willing to give her that advice and take the time to explain why you felt she should be going by a different title. But I feel like in a lot of those situations, it's normal. You're going to get someone that's defensive and that doesn't want to hear it.
Mel Robbins (00:54:38):
My mom always used to say that difficult conversations are a lot like putting a time released grenade in somebody's head. It might not explode when you're saying it. They get defensive, they argue against it, but eventually it'll click
(00:54:55):
And go off because if you're coming from, and I think that's the takeaway as you're listening to us, that you're not doing anybody any favors if you give a shit about disappointing people or upsetting people, but you are being an incredible friend or family member or mentor or leader or colleague. If you can really align with your values in wanting to support someone and wanting to tell the truth and you give a shit about that. And when you do that, I think you can manage your tone, but you don't censor yourself. And that's the most important part.
(00:55:34):
Although I am picking up from this conversation, maybe when it comes to taking off my top in public, I should start censoring myself there. I really appreciate you guys sharing this because I feel like it's a really fun way to have a deeper conversation about something that we have to navigate every single day. And I've often thought that it's really strange that there's one piece of feedback that I get all the time from our audience all the time, and it's been happening for over a decade and it's always struck me as odd that people come up and I can reduce it down to one word that people always compliment me for. And they always say, Mel, I just love how real you are. And I would always say, well, thank you. And then I would walk away and think, what the hell does that mean?
(00:56:33):
What do you mean real? What do you mean? What other way could you be? Of course I don't want to be, why would you comment I'm real? How do you know that I'm real? And what I'm getting from this conversation is authenticity and this kind of being real, which is also I think a way of somebody saying, you're relatable. It does really come down to giving a shit about what matters and not giving a shit about the things that don't. And that if you can start to use this conversation as a way to be more thoughtful about, well, what do I actually care about and where am I spending energy on things that I don't give a shit about? It's a way for you to start to get closer to the core of who you are authentically, because we do waste way too much time giving a shit about things that really don't matter.
(00:57:34):
And they may have mattered in the past because you worked in a corporate setting and it was really buttoned up, or it may have mattered in the past when you lived at home with your parents and you were a child, but it doesn't matter now. And that brings me to the four things like the how do you not give a shit? And these are just four random things that I just tried to distill down. I want to give you a takeaway.
Mel Robbins (00:57:59):
This shows you a little behind the scenes. It allows me to show you more of my personality and have a fun way of having you meet Camryn, one of our producers and Jesse who runs video and production here for the podcast, and Christine, our COO and CFO, who did not want to be on camera. I'm proud of just like, fuck it. I don't give a shit. I'm just going to jump on even though this is out of my comfort zone. And Amy, who's one of our senior team members and producers here, but I'm like, I got to figure out what's something you guys can grab onto. Okay, so the first one is rule number one for how to stop giving a shit about things that don't matter. Rule number one, try giving a shit about everything and see how it feels. I'm dead serious about this. I know it sounds stupid, but why not worry about what shoes you're wearing. Worry about what everybody's thinking. Worry about what your boss is doing, worry about what's going to happen next week, and then stop and ask yourself, is that working for you? Does it really work for you to lie in bed at night and worry about what your friends are doing? Does it really work for you to scroll through social media and worry about the weight you've gained or worried about this?
(00:59:09):
Does it really work for you to obsess about what outfit you're going to put on seven different times before you leave the house? Does it really work for you to worry about the fact that your makeup is drowning and you just think drop the mask? That's the point of this, because if worrying about everything and giving a shit about all this stupid stuff actually worked, you'd be happier, you'd feel more secure, you'd have more time because it would work, but it doesn't work. It is so liberating when you realize that, my God, I'm robbing my own energy and my own focus and my own confidence by worrying about so much shit. That doesn't matter. Stop it. Stop it. And if you can't stop it, I would just goose it, man. I would step on the accelerator and I would worry about every damn thing. And then ask yourself, is this really helping me?
(01:00:00):
Because it doesn't help you to put your hand on a hot stove. That's why you don't do it every day. That's rule number one. Rule number two, this kind of goes back to the stuff we talked about with CNN and kind of zooming out and visualizing who actually is criticizing people online. I mean, come on now, let's show some empathy. So rule number two for me, that has helped me really stop obsessing about what other people are thinking or other people's reactions is I've come to believe that almost everybody you meet is at about the emotional maturity of somewhere between eight and 12. I think that's where most people get stuck. Most people's disappointment is an 8-year-old throwing a tantrum. Most people being mad at you is about as long as an 11-year-old is mad at you. And we conflate adults with adult maturity when it comes to their emotional reactions.
(01:00:52):
And 99% of the population does not have it. And so if you can kind of imagine your boss as an 8-year-old, I think about the guy that we were meeting with at Audible. Great guy. I fricking love him. I hope we do a ton of business together. But I think about him as like a cool kid who's playing games and video games and super innovative and super smart, and it allows me to just relate to him on that human level instead of trying to do that gamesmanship and bad boss, and I'm going to get the deal done. No, think about everybody as between the emotional maturity of eight to 12, and you'll worry a lot less about how they react. Now, rule number three is incredibly important, and I want to thank my team for helping me distill this down because I think this is super, super, super important. Rule number three is when it comes to not giving a shit, there is a time and a place for it.
(01:01:52):
And I'm going to take this even further. There is a time for really important standards and being rigid about following them, and a time to amplify your self-expression. And I'm going to give you a tool in just a minute for how you can really use this. In fact, no, I'm going to give you the tool now because I think it'll make more sense. Think about a seesaw. You know that teeter-totter thing? It's a balance. And so in certain environments, like maybe when you go home, home still feels like the same operating procedures as when you were eight years old. And so maybe you've been really putting more weight on the side of the way things have always been, and you've really not been giving a shit about your self expression. The opportunity here is to see where in your life you have stopped being, you have started giving a shit about things that don't align with your value, that suffocate you, that make you feel like you can't be you.
(01:02:54):
That is not a place that you should be. Those are not relationships you should be in. But you got to think about this kind of like a seesaw, where in your life are things out of balance and you're starting to give a shit and put weight into things that no longer align with you. And where can you bring things more into balance so that you can be yourself, you can be self-expressed, and you can do so without offending people around you, without you violating corporate HR policies. So we were talking a lot about open toed shoes, and if I were walking into JP Morgan to close a massive e-learning corporate training deal, I probably would not have worn my Valentino ESP Padres despite how much they cost. I probably would've worn something else, or at least I would've gotten a fucking manicure. Okay? Why? Because there is a time and a place to be cavalier.
(01:03:58):
Your job is a place to pay attention to standards. Why? Because they're paying you to do something, a job. I hope it's fun. I hope you're part of a culture and you have a sense of belonging and you feel appreciated. But the bottom line is you are there because you're getting paid to do something, which means you should care more about the standards and the culture and the operating procedures than you might in your day-to-day life. Why? Because you are making an exchange for money. But I have one giant caveat when it comes to talking about standards in the workplace, and I want to take this opportunity to have a conversation with you about it because it is incredibly important. It is very real. It's very real in work. It's very real in life in general, and it impacts people's ability to be fully, authentically their truest selves.
(01:04:52):
See, there are a lot of standards, especially in the workplace where discrimination and bias is very real and it impacts people's ability to be themselves. And as a white woman, I have the privilege of never having to deal with that. I'll give you an example. So I have a bunch of black female friends who do not feel comfortable wearing their natural hair at work. And it's not just anecdotal. There is incredible research documenting this. So a recent study from Michigan State, for example, confirms that 80% of black women feel that they need to switch their hairstyle in order to align with more conservative work standards. And a recent study from Duke has proven that black women with natural hairstyles like an afro or twists or braids, less likely to land a job interview than a white woman like me or a black woman with straightened hair.
(01:05:40):
I mean, that just makes me want to cry. And here I am talking about open toed shoes and black women have to worry about their hair and being who they are. That is so shitty, and that's why I wanted to take an opportunity and why I think it's so important to call out this type of bias, and that's why I'm doing it right now. So I want to acknowledge that whether it's your gender identity or your religion or your race or your sexual orientation or a disability that you have, I want to acknowledge that how you manage this balance that I'm talking about between self-expression and being your authentic full stealth and the very real bias and discrimination that exists in social and workplace norms, that is a deeply personal decision and balancing act that you got to make every single day. And it's easy for me to say, Hey, hiding who you are is never okay, because it's true.
(01:06:48):
I don't want you to ever hide who you are, but I just felt it was important that I acknowledged that. It's easy to say, but it's not that easy to do. So let me kind of layer that into this rule number three that we're talking about, which is there's a time and a place for self-expression. It is up to you to decide what you value most in any situation when you think about that seesaw between standards and societal or workplace norms versus your self-expression and you being you. But here's what I do know. I hope that you find the courage to choose your values and to choose being yourself as often as you can. And that brings me to the fourth rule, the fourth rule for how to learn, how to give a shit about what matters and not care about what doesn't. The fourth rule is you go first.
(01:07:43):
You go first. Every single human being that you encounter is trapped in some sort of rule. They think they should be following everybody. And the rule, if you want to start giving a shit about what really matters is you go first. You be the one that shows up with bergos, you be the one that says, I'll pull on that space suit and climb into that thing. You be the one that brings the fun. And what I've found over and over and over again, and I think Christine, you'll be able to say, yep, it's true, is that by being willing to put the real me, especially the hideous me, the moments where I'm crying, the moments where my makeup is running, the moments where the dog is just barfed all over something, the moments where I've just left a gym class where I've pulled a calf muscle and I'm still panting and my eyes are bloodshot and my face is beet red, and I literally look at myself in the selfie and I say, how does Christopher Robbins wake up next to this every single morning with a smile on his face because you women are ugly.
(01:08:56):
And then I hit play. My willingness to do that, my willingness to go first, to drop the mask, the filter, to just put it out there, it's liberating for people. I mean, people come up to me more often when I look like shit. And I say, yeah, I'm happy to take a selfie. They're really shocked that I would want to actually take a selfie looking like that. And then somebody perfectly made up like, well, let me fix my hair. And I'm like, are you kidding? Look at me. I look like a Labradoodle that just ran a marathon. I mean, give me a break. Get the selfie up here. Let's go. I'm going to make a kissy face because my jaw is frozen and it makes it look like I'm taking a shit when I try to smile. But what do you see, Christine? And the you go first
Christine (01:09:44):
And the you go first. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think it's something that really connects with people when they meet you, of just feeling like they're running into a friend that they have seen from afar. And I think that there's something very special about that, and it's a true connection. And then something I would just add as somebody who's known you for a long time, gosh, 18 years at this point of you have always been exactly the same person. And so it's weird that when we run into people and people are super excited to see you just because I've known you for so long, but it's a sincere connection for sure. And the other thing I would say is that I've never known you to make a negative comment about anyone else's appearance, how anyone else is dressed. I don't think that's something that you process or are connected to. And I think it's because you've freed yourself of those constraints that I don't even know that it's something that you notice. And I think that's quite admirable, and I think that's also something to share of once you stop caring about those things, you'll stop paying attention to 'em and other people too, and it makes it better for everyone.
Mel Robbins (01:10:56):
That's a huge profound point because I've heard other people, Christine, make this point where they go When other people judge you, it's about them. It's not about you. But I think you just illustrated why? Because I don't ever critically what anybody else looks like or what they're wearing, because you're right. I don't judge myself for what I'm wearing. I mean, I can laugh at myself. I have humanity and humor about it, but I'm not actually very critical of myself. And I think if you can eradicate that in yourself, it's true. You don't actually criticize other people. It does begin with how you treat yourself. And this also then reinforces what I'm saying about empathy. All those people that you're trying to be friends with that are competitive or they're the high-end group or they're the fancy people and you feel that criticism, they're deeply critical of themselves, and that's the circle that you're chasing.
(01:12:05):
You got to get right with you. And it's an interesting topic, how to not give a shit about stuff because it sounds like a throwaway topic, but I think at the core of a great life, it's really one of the most important skills that you can actually learn because what you're doing is you're really giving a shit about your values and you're putting your attention and your mindset and your effort toward what you value, and you're spending less and less time and energy on things that you don't. I love that famous Nipsey Hussle quote. If you look at the people in your circle and you don't get inspired, then you don't have a circle. You have a cage. And I'm going to add to that quote. If you look at the people in your circle and you can't be yourself, then you don't have a circle.
(01:13:01):
You are in a cage, and you got to be very careful about this because here's what I've realized over and over and over again in my own life, it's that my own behavior and my insecurities are almost always what put me and keep me in that cage. And that brings me to a final story I want to share with you from last week. It's a story about our daughter Kendall, and how insecurities can put you in a cage. If you follow me on social media, you're probably aware that our daughter graduated from USC last week, and she was given the honor of singing the national anthem at the hundred and 40th commencement ceremonies for the University of Southern California. So we were there. It was an unbelievable moment to watch our daughter sing the national anthem acapella in front of 20,000 fellow graduates and their families. So we're talking at least 50,000 people there as she was singing. And one of the coolest things is as she was singing the national anthem, and as the song starts to build, you hear the crowd getting louder and louder, and you can also hear her just coming into the fullest, most authentic version of who she is. Just take a listen to this moment.
Speaker 6 (01:14:34):
Can you see what so proud the broad stripes and bright stars through the night that our flight, the
Mel Robbins (01:16:10):
That moment will probably be one of those moments that flashes before my eyes on my death bed like a core memory, but that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is this. 24 hours after that moment, I asked her, so Ken, what was the most surprising thing that's happened since you sang the national anthem yesterday? And she said this, I didn't realize that 99% of my friends have never heard me sing. I'm like, what? She said, yeah. She said, hearing me sing at graduation was the first time in four years of knowing me that they had ever heard my voice.
Mel Robbins (01:16:57):
Now, keep in mind, she is a popular music major for four years she has been performing in college. Just stop and consider that 99% of her friends over the past four years have never heard her sing. Why? Because of her insecurities. See, she gave a shit about what people would think about her singing. If you look at her social media for the last four years, there was only one post on her Instagram account, and that one post was of her singing, but that's it. Now, this is her deepest passion, her standing before people and singing and sharing herself. This is the truest form of her self-expression, and yet she put herself in a cage because of her insecurities. That's so sad, and I know you're doing it too, that in some area of your life, you are so concerned about what other people might think that you're not sharing your full self. That's what it means to put yourself in a cage. Now, here's the good news. The door to that cage, it's wide open and it always has been. I hope this episode has inspired you to open your wings and express yourself your full self, because when you drop those insecurities and you stop caring so much about it, and you allow yourself to just be you, my friend will set yourself free. And in case no one else tells you. Today, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you. I believe in you. I don't give a shit what you're wearing or what you look like. I believe in your ability to create a life that you love. Now, spread those wings and fly out of that cage and set yourself free. I'll talk to you in a few days.
(01:19:09):
Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Resources
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- UC Davis: Research finds that self-esteem has long-term benefits.
- Psychology Today: The difference between narcissism and confidence.
- Inc. Magazine: 7 rules to follow to live a life with no regrets.
- Forbes: Use it or lose it; the science behind self-confidence.
- TEDx: Love this talk about confidence from Dr. Ivan Joseph.
- Time Magazine: Brain science behind why we care about what others think.
- The Atlantic: How to stop caring about what others think.
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