Episode: 66
The Best Years of Your Life Are Ahead of You: A No BS Approach to Feeling Stuck
a Solo Episode
Learn what’s truly holding you back and how to fix it—starting today.
This is a wake up call for you. Because what’s holding you back is never what you think.
Mel coaches a listener who feels stuck, has broken promises to herself, and left her happiness behind. Sound familiar?
Whether you want to be healthier, go back to school, or chase a dream, you’ll discover why you’re stuck—and how to fix it.
Stop solving the wrong problem and start taking action today.
Listen on:
If I could tell you that the best years of your life we're ahead of you, would you do the work?
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:03):
I am going to prove to you today that anywhere in your life that you have a problem or you're stuck or you're struggling, or you just can't get the results that you want, I guarantee you you're working on the wrong problem. We have such a low tolerance for going deep that we just try to remove it at the surface, and then all of a sudden you're dating another loser. All of a sudden, the same shit with your mother showing up, all of a sudden the same wound from your childhood is getting triggered. Why does this keep happening? I'll tell you why.
(00:00:36):
Hey, it's your friend, Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm so glad that you joined me today because I'm going to prove to you today that anywhere in your life that you have a problem or you're stuck or you're struggling, or you just can't get the results that you want, I guarantee you, you're working on the wrong problem. You're attacking it all wrong, and there is something deeper that you're not seeing. It's below the surface. And today I got my shovel. We are going to dig deep and we are going to get to the root of the problem. I have been doing this now for a decade. You guys write to me from around the world, and I read everything that you submit to mel robbins.com, and I've noticed something in the last decade since I've been coaching people. Everybody is working on the wrong problem.
(00:01:28):
You can't even see it. And one of the things that I am able to do is I can listen to you for just a little bit and boom, laser right in to the root of it. And so we're going to get to the root of your problem today. And here's how we're going to do it. I'm going to bring in a metaphor, and the metaphor is gardening. I love gardening, by the way. It is one of my favorite hobbies. My parents were big gardeners. I grew up working in the yard every single weekend. My grandparents and my aunts and uncles on my mom's side are all farmers. So dirt and digging in the dirt and growing stuff. It's in my DNA. And I think about the issues in your life that you can't seem to overcome or that keep coming back over and over and over again.
(00:02:17):
It's like weeds in a garden. And so I'm going to tell you a story because attacking the weeds all wrong too. You can't just pull weeds out. You got to dig 'em out at the root. Otherwise they keep coming back. And this is why I say you're working on the wrong problem. You keep pulling at your problems, tugging at 'em, clipping at 'em, snipping at 'em, whatever, hitting them with the roundup, that's not going to kill 'em. You got to destroy it at the root. And I remember there was this one moment when we still lived in Boston,
Mel Robbins (00:02:43):
And I started to notice that there was this particular weed that kept coming up in my garden. It was about a foot tall, and it looked like the kind of grass you would see in the sides of a golf course that fescue that's like a foot tall and it blows around. Well, this stuff started showing up in the middle of my fricking Montauk daisies and my peonies and my irises, and I'm like, what the hell? And so I'd yank it out of the Siberian irises and then I'd turn around. I'm like, how the hell is it over there in the peonies? Is this bird seeded that's scattered about what is going on? Why is this weird stuff sprouting out? And it was just like this clump over here, and then this clump over here, and then this clump over here. And I'm like, what the hell? And so one day, I'll never forget it, it had been raining for a week. And so the first sunny day I get out there and I'm like, oh my God, there's these clumps everywhere. They just boom. Because what happens? Things grow when you water it. Things in your life change when you tend to it.
(00:03:38):
So I start with the irises and instead of just yanking it like I normally did, which is basically just ripping it off at the surface, I just sort of gently started tugging. And as I started tugging, the root started coming out, and then I started shaking at it and the dirt started shaking off. And then I take my shovel and I start easing around because I don't want to slice the root. I need to get to the source of it. Otherwise, what happens when you just trim something, when you cut it off at the surface? Well, that just empowers the roots to start sprouting up other things. Well, I'll be damned you guys. I get the shovel and I dig underneath and I start popping it up. And because the soil is wet, it's a lot looser. This fucking root went from my irises all the way under our lawn to the other flower bed 10 feet away to pop up another clump into the peonies.
(00:04:32):
And that same damn root was also the source of the clump of fescue that was now growing in my daisies and in the flocks. And I couldn't believe it. It was all coming from the same root. And if there's one thing I've learned in a decade of coaching people and all of the research that I've done is that when it comes to the things that aren't working in our life, we have such a low tolerance for going deep that we just try to remove it at the surface. And then all of a sudden you're dating another loser. All of a sudden, the same shit with your mother showing up, all of a sudden the same wound from your childhood is getting triggered. Why does this keep happening? I'll tell you why. You're working on the wrong problem. You're just trying to clear it away at the surface, you're missing the bigger picture.
(00:05:25):
These problems all connect. There is a root cause that you need to dig out. And today I'm going to teach you how to do it. A fellow listener of the Mel Robbins podcast wrote to me, Ricki, she's 44. She is stuck on the outside. Her life looks amazing, the garden's beautiful, but she can't get where she wants to go. She feels like she's lost a part of herself. She doesn't know what the hell's going on. All her friends think her life looks great, but it's not. And let me tell you something, she's working on the wrong problem. But Mel Robbins has her shovel, and I'm going to dig deep and wait till you discover what I find because it comes out of nowhere.
Mel Robbins (00:06:10):
You ready? I sure am. Let's start digging. Hi. Hi. It's so good to see you.
Ricki (00:06:21):
No, it is so good to see you.
Mel Robbins (00:06:24):
Oh, thank you.
Ricki (00:06:26):
I am over the moon right now. I feel so giddy, so blessed, so grateful, so thankful. I'm just, yeah, this is just unreal.
Mel Robbins (00:06:36):
Awesome. Well, hopefully you'll still feel the same way after you hear what I have to say. I'm just kidding. So Ricki, thank you so much for taking the time to be with me. I'm so excited to hear what's going on and see if we can't get you fired up and moving in the right direction. So let's get started. Why don't you just go ahead and tell me what is the challenge that you're facing and how can I help you?
Ricki (00:07:08):
Okay. I am stuck. I feel like I am in quick sand, and every time I try to move, I sink. And I've been on the personal growth, the development for years. I've read all these self-help books, I've done programs I've done, but I still feel like my, I'm 44 now, and I feel like life has passed me by. I feel like I am in a job. I mean, pays bills. It's not billing. I thought that I be in a relationship, have a husband, have kids by now, but don't, the relationship with myself is not where I'd like it to be. And I also, I am in the worst dream I've ever been in my life. And I look at myself in the mirror and I'm just like, okay, those 30 pounds, where did they come from? Oh, yeah, that's right. You made all these choices of eating bad food. And so I just feel like I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I don't know. Well, I do know where to start, but at the same time, I feel like I don't know where to start. So I just feel like, yeah, I don't know where to go from here because I've read all the books, because I've done all of that stuff. I'm just like, but I'm still here.
Mel Robbins (00:08:50):
Okay, thank you for sharing all of that. And what I got is that you're in a job that's not fulfilling, but it pays the bills that you're in the worst shape of your life, and you have put on an extra 30 pounds that you are not where you thought you would be in your personal life. Because at the age of 44, you thought you'd be married and have four kids, and your relationship with yourself is also in the gutter. And on top of all of this, you have been somebody that has read all these self-help books. You are interested in personal development, and yet you still feel very stuck. Did I get it? Is there anything else?
Ricki (00:09:37):
You got it in a nutshell? Pretty much, yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:09:40):
Okay.
Ricki (00:09:40):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:09:41):
So do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Ricki (00:09:46):
Let's go for the bad news.
Mel Robbins (00:09:50):
Okay. So the bad news is that you are going to have to push through the emotion and the resignation that has built up. That's the bad news, that your own story, that you are not where you should be, that you made all these bad choices, that none of the stuff that you do is actually going to result in the big changes that you want. The bad news is your own attitude and story and emotions are going to be the biggest obstacle in your way. Do you want to know the good news?
Ricki (00:10:48):
Yes. Let's get some good news on there.
Mel Robbins (00:10:51):
Well, what happened? I saw your face kind of go like when I said the bad news. So what was your reaction to the bad news?
Ricki (00:11:09):
Cute. I got to do this. It feels overwhelming. It feels like this is some work, some real work that I have to do, and it feels like daunting.
Mel Robbins (00:11:28):
Why does it feel daunting?
Ricki (00:11:32):
I feel like I have so much work to do. I feel like there's just this insurmountable mountain that is just unattainable. But then there's another part of me that's like, no, it's not. You can do this. You've got this. But there's that part of me that's just like, Ricki, it's not going to happen for you.
Mel Robbins (00:12:05):
And are you experiencing the life that you want to be living right now?
Ricki (00:12:12):
No. There's moments. There's moments, yeah. But the overall, no.
Mel Robbins (00:12:20):
Okay. No.
(00:12:22):
See, the thing is that the reason why the mountain feels insurmountable is because you've convinced yourself that it's too late. That's the only reason why it feels insurmountable. The work is the work and the work that will change your life and get you in shape and help you find a fulfilling career and get your life force back and have you have a wonderful relationship with yourself. And when that happens, the right person walks in. The work you need to do is the same work everybody needs to do to have those things. It's the story that you're telling yourself that you're already fucked up and that it's too late and that it's going to require too much and it's not going to happen. That's the only reason why you haven't gotten started. If I could tell you that the best years of your life were ahead of you, would you do the work?
Ricki (00:13:33):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:13:34):
Okay. Yeah. Great. The best years of your life, Ricki, are ahead of you.
Ricki (00:13:42):
You know what? There's a voice in my head right now, and that voice says, this is BS and the best years of your life, were before when you were 22, when you were in your twenties, there's this recording back there that's saying that, and it's so frustrating. It's extremely frustrating because I want to believe it. I want to believe you. When you tell me that my best years are ahead of me, and I have friends who tell me that the best years are ahead of me. It's like, why can't I believe that? Why can't I take what you're saying and actually truly hang on and believe it? 100%. That's really what I want.
Mel Robbins (00:14:32):
There's a number of reasons I
Ricki (00:14:33):
Got to believe it to achieve it, right?
Mel Robbins (00:14:35):
Yeah. There's a number of reasons why.
Mel Robbins (14:39):
Number one, you've been telling yourself the other story for so long that it's not going to happen, that that's come your belief. Two, because that's been your story, that it's not going to happen. And you're sad about that. Your actions in your day-to-day life, your routines, your rituals, your habits, they now match that story.
(00:15:08):
And so you have started to align with a person who believes that the best days of her life are behind you, which is why you're not taking care of your health. It's why having a job that is slowly sucking your soul eye but paying the bills is enough. It's why you've kind of given up or lowered your standards when it comes to the kind of person that you want to attract. Your actions keep you stuck because your actions are the kind of actions that somebody who doesn't believe that the best days of their life are ahead them ahead, them are taking. And so the solution is to figure out what the day-to-day life looks like of a woman who believes that the best days of her life are ahead of her, and by God, she's going to act that way. And I also have a suspicion, I have a suspicion that something happened to you either in your late twenties or in your thirties that knocked you on your ass and knocked you off track. And you have it recovered from it.
Mel Robbins (00:16:25):
Because it strikes me that you say, my twenties were the best time of my life. And so tell me about what was going on in your twenties that made you feel like it was the best time of your life. Then I want to know what the hell happened that changed it.
Ricki (00:16:45):
I feel like in my twenties, I was more confident I was doing the things that I liked. I was what really happened? My dad died.
Mel Robbins (00:17:04):
Okay. How old were you?
Ricki (00:17:09):
He died when I was 28
(00:17:18):
And was after that. There was some depression that happened and some significant breakups that happened, and I feel like those were just probably things that kind of crushed me,
Mel Robbins (00:17:39):
And
Ricki (00:17:39):
I just didn't really recover.
Mel Robbins (00:17:42):
There you go. That's what happened. You experienced profound loss and the loss of your father followed by the breakup of a significant relationship, spun you around, and you have an opportunity to figure out what does it look like for you and your life now to create that foundation
Mel Robbins (00:18:16):
That got ripped out from underneath you when you were in your late twenties? If I had to describe it, I would say that you went through a great loss and you have spent a decade grieving, and whether you realized it or not, and that in the past couple years you've spent these past couple years kind of waking up from that and being disappointed with where you are.
(00:19:00):
And that's okay. It's okay. And one of the reasons why it's so easy, Ricki, to find yourself in a situation where you've read all the books, you listen to the podcast, but you do nothing, is because I think you're stuck also in a kind of freeze trauma response in your body where things kind of stopped moving forward. When your dad died and you went into kind of this mode, I kind of had this vision of you almost like hunkered down, waiting for the next thing to happen. So you go into this mode of not dreaming, not going for it like you used to in your twenties, but narrowing your focus to just getting through the day. And when you read all the books, you gain knowledge that stays right up here, but what you're dealing with is you're dealing with something that happened to you and your heart and your soul. Is any of this landing for you?
Ricki (00:20:37):
Yeah, and the strangest thing is that I've never really put that together. I never really, that I didn't really feel like I've been grieving over for 10 years. I felt like when people ask me, when I think about my dad passing away, I feel like I've grieved and I feel like I've moved forward and I feel like I'm okay with it. I didn't really connect my being stuck in my life to that.
Mel Robbins (00:21:19):
So I think in some ways you gave up on your own dreams and then the breakup happened, and maybe were you with somebody that you thought you were going to marry?
Ricki (00:21:36):
I did. And it's weird because it's not just one relationship. It was like every relationship that I kind of got into afterwards, it was just like, I don't know. I can't even really explain it, but in my mind, I believed that more would come of it. And I'm embarrassed even talking about this right now. Why? Because you don't want to be that person that thought there was more, and then there really wasn't. I feel like that's what I have been, and yeah, that's why. And it hurts. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:23:09):
So I can see why that would hurt. And I want you to consider looking at those relationships through a different lens because we're going to start working on the story that you're telling yourself. Because part of the relationship story is I'm a failure. I fall for people, and I think that it's going somewhere and they don't want me the way that I want them. I'm a failure. And I have a hunch, and again, we just met, but I have a hunch that if you were to look back on those string of relationships that didn't work after your father died, you were coping with your grief.
(00:23:56):
You were not showing up, healed, whole, confident. You were showing up in those relationships with a hole that grief had created. And so when you get into a relationship and you get attached to somebody because they are filling a need that you have that you can't do in your own life, that's when things get out of balance. And because you were grieving, and I get the sense from you because you strike me a little bit like me that you thought you were fine. So we're going to move on and we're going to keep working, and we're going to go forward with life, and now I'm going to meet this person and everything's okay, because I don't want to scratch on that deeper thing that's really painful because I'm okay and I'm going to be tough. And yet you carry all that stuff with you.
(00:24:55):
And I think that's what happened in your relationships, that you are so wanting to be basically to disappear in a relationship and to feel safe again, that you fall very quickly and then you misread the room and that's it. That's all that happened again, because of the grief. And this is all very normal. And when you start to see that things aren't lining up the way that you expected, you start to feel bad about yourself, and you start to wonder what's wrong with me? And there's nothing wrong with you. Nothing. And what you get to do now, Ricki, is we get to say, today is day one of you reclaiming your happiness and taking your life back and healing what needs to be healed and defining for you what does a really fun and exciting life look like? And so I want to walk you through a super simple exercise, okay?
Ricki (00:26:10):
Okay.
Mel Robbins (00:26:11):
I can see you processing. What emotions are coming up for you?
Ricki (00:26:21):
I don't want to cry.
Mel Robbins (00:26:25):
Why?
Ricki (00:26:32):
Because I feel like if I cry right now, it'll be really ugly. Great. And you'll just be really sobby and great.
Mel Robbins (00:26:47):
What are the tears about
Ricki (00:26:54):
Letting go? I am so used to, this might sound really crazy, but so used to feeling a certain way that imagining feeling differently feels almost uncomfortable.
Mel Robbins (00:27:16):
What is the way that you're used to feeling? Let it come up.
Ricki (00:27:33):
That's not, doesn't matter how much good comes into my life, it will never be how I want it to be. I will never get to where I, all the things that I desire, actually never. It will come so close, but not for me. It happens to everyone else around me, but it won't happen for me.
Mel Robbins (00:28:08):
Well, it definitely won't if that's your belief, because you won't let it in.
Ricki (00:28:26):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:28:31):
And is this the way you want to experience life?
Ricki (00:28:34):
No. No, no.
Mel Robbins (00:28:40):
And what would you have to change about the way that you live your life or the story that you tell yourself in order to have a different experience?
Ricki (00:28:59):
I would have to change that story. I would have to change that belief. I would have to do things differently.
Mel Robbins (00:29:04):
Yes, you'd have to cry. And the tears are super important because on the topic of your dad, all the tears that you cry over somebody that has died, it's just the love that you didn't get to express while they were here. So it's a way to let love into your life, all the tears that you need to cry over, disappointment that you're letting go. That's the baggage and the shame and the kind of beating yourself up that you've been doing for years, that's like a backpack that you drag around. It's a way to release that. You focus so much on holding it together and being strong and moving forward. And then at the same time, like mounting all this evidence for how things are not working, that you're not letting love and joy and connection in, you are protecting yourself from it, and you're building a case against it.
(00:30:17):
So many people do this. I did this for so many years too, and I want you to think about something. Maybe this will help because I can tell you what to do, Ricki. I can literally and I will. I'll give you the domino that you need to tip first. That will trigger a ton of other change. And if you just start chipping away at it, we can change absolutely everything. You can lose weight. You can start feeling like you're in your twenties again. You can change your job. You can get support and heal and really do the work to complete and feel present with your dad. You can forgive yourself for whatever you're doing, or you can forgive yourself for how you spent the last 14 years. You can do all that.
(00:31:11):
The doing is the easy part, but I want you to have a deeper experience in what you're saying to yourself. And you won't believe it in the beginning, but we got to figure out what you want to believe. And then we're going to list a series of rituals that you're going to do every day that are the actions that a person that believes that their life is amazing, that the best days of their life are ahead, that they deserve to be healthy and happy, and vibrant and alive and in love. We got to start aligning your day-to-day actions with the belief that you want to be driving your life. And so that part's easy. It really is, because it's just, here's the shit you need to do, fucking do it. That's it. That's change. But there's a deeper breakthrough for you, and I would classify it as letting love in. And I have this visual that I use in my mind. I didn't realize how much I blocked love.
Mel Robbins (00:32:28):
I like to think about your heart and your life as having a door that separates you from the rest of the world. And for many, many years, the door between me and my heart and soul and the rest of the world was this fricking mid-century steel thing that you would see on a castle that is impenetrable because I didn't trust people. I didn't love myself. I didn't feel like I was worthy. I saw all kinds of reasons why I'd fucked things up, why I was a bad person. And as I've done more and more work to being kinder to myself to change the story about what I want to experience in life, I've started to convert that door. I did a renovation project. I got rid of that door, and I put the kind of doors that you see into a kitchen and a restaurant that's got the tooth, and they swing back and forth because it allows me to be more present to when I am letting love flow to other people, and more importantly, when I allow the love to flow back to me. Does that resonate at all with you?
Ricki (00:33:51):
Yes and no.
Mel Robbins (00:33:53):
Okay.
Ricki (00:33:54):
I'll tell you why it doesn't, and maybe you can help me with it. Maybe it doesn't. I'm not seeing it. So I am, and my heart is completely just open for everybody and anyone. And when I say that, I'm just like, I'm that friend that's always there. I'm that sister or that person that's always there holding space for everybody else, being a rock, for everyone else, loving and not because I don't want to, because I really do. I really do. And so I give so much love and I do receive love. I think that I do, but maybe I don't. I don't know. I just, you're shaking your head like no
Mel Robbins (00:34:48):
Rocks typically don't allow a lot of love in. And if you're spending a lot of your own energy beating yourself up and feeling disappointed and settling, that's going to block love that everybody has to give to you. No, no, no, no. The best days of my life are not ahead. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't need any help. No, I'm okay. No, you don't have to go with me there. No. I can handle this on my own. No, I don't look good in this dress. That's not true.
Ricki (00:35:44):
Okay. Yeah,
(00:35:52):
I do that.
Mel Robbins (00:35:54):
Me too. Or used to. So what do you think changed when your dad died?
Ricki (00:36:08):
I Really don't know. I feel maybe I've always wanted to make him proud of me. And when he died, I felt like I didn't get the chance to do that, and that I never will get the chance to do that, even though he never said that. He never told me he wasn't proud of me. He actually told me before he passed that he was, but I guess I just didn't really believe it because I wasn't proud of me and I just never got the chance to Really? Yeah. I never got the chance to really show him who I could have been, who I believed I could be.
Mel Robbins (00:37:14):
Thank you for going there. That's what happened. You're the one who decided that was the expiration date on you doing and living and being who you want to be. And there's that term I've seen a lot of people talking about called quiet, quitting. It's almost like you quietly quit on your own ambition and your own dreams. And so I want to reclaim that for you. Okay? Because what's your dad's name? Joe. Joe. Joe still here. Joe's watching. Joe is proud of you. This isn't Joe's shit. This is your shit. And here's the great news. You do have your entire lifetime to make yourself proud and Joe's watching. And so your first assignment for me is I want you to write a letter to Joe, your dad, and I want you to
Mel Robbins (00:38:29):
Thank him for being so proud of you. And I want you to tell him that you miss him and you still feel that he's here and you thank him for being with you and guiding you, and that you are writing this because you wanted to make a promise to yourself and a promise to him that you are going to go and do some amazing things and your lifetime. And is he buried somewhere?
Ricki (00:39:08):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (00:39:10):
Is it close by?
Ricki (00:39:12):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:39:13):
I want you to go to his grave with the letter and I want you to read it to him,
Ricki (00:39:27):
Okay? Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:39:32):
And one of the things I also want you to do is I want you to think back to your twenties, and I want you to think about the things that you were doing in your twenties before your dad died that you don't do now. What are those things?
Ricki (00:39:53):
Taking more risks.
Mel Robbins (00:39:54):
Great.
Ricki (00:39:57):
I was pursuing some creative things.
Mel Robbins (00:40:01):
Great.
Ricki (00:40:02):
And I don't do that anymore.
Mel Robbins (00:40:04):
Okay, great. So creativity, because what you're going to put in your letter is, and dad, one of the things that I promised to you and to me that I'm going to do is I'm going to bring back what is the creative stuff you used to do, Ricki
Ricki (00:40:20):
Acting.
Mel Robbins (00:40:21):
I used to act, and I'm going to sign up for an acting class. I'm going to start going to auditions again. I'm going to join the community theater. I'm going to try out for the summer stock program. Is there anything else that you used to do?
Ricki (00:40:42):
Singing?
Mel Robbins (00:40:43):
I'm going to start singing. Writing.
(00:40:48):
Great writing. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. That's incredible. And the reason why this is so incredible is because a job change doesn't go deep enough to change what's actually blocking
Mel Robbins (00:41:16):
Your life force and your happiness. And if I were to have started this conversation by going, Hey, you know what you should do? You should just go act. You'd be like, what the fuck? No. But when you can connect it, the fact that there is this vibrancy, this self-expression, this flow and exchange, what's interesting about acting and singing and writing is it's not just you going out. It's the love that comes back in from castmates and audience and musicians and all the people that are collaborating or witnessing that beautiful self-expression.
(00:42:08):
And so that is a perfect pathway for you to change the direction of your life by simply adding in the things that got lost when your life got turned upside down. And I think the act of writing that letter and going to your dad's grave and making a promise to him and to yourself that this is what you're going to put back into your life will be a way bigger deal and a way bigger motivator than any formula that I could ever give. You see, the research shows that in order for somebody to achieve a goal, a dream, or make a change stick, there are two things that have to be present.
(00:43:07):
You have to have the reason why you're doing it, and you've got to have the way or the how you're going to do it. And you're a smart cookie. You know how to audition. You know how to start singing again, whether it's in a church choir or with a group or whatever. You know how to act. You got the way all day long. You got to connect the why back to your dad and back to you giving yourself permission to be happy and to be proud of yourself. That's your why. And when you marry those two things with the step-by-step of just, oh, once a week I got to go to my singing group. Oh, once a week I got to audition for something. Oh, once a week, we're done here. Because if you give yourself permission to do that, it will open up so much momentum and energy that you'll change your job like that. You'll start exercising and taking care of yourself. But that's the missing piece.
Ricki (00:44:33):
You know what I just thought of what? So it's just popped into my head. I used to really, really love working out, and it never felt like a chore. It was just something I loved to do and I would be running. But when I found, found out that my dad had passed away was when I had just finished a workout and I opened my locker and I checked my phone. And so I found out he passed away while I was at the gym. And after that, going to the gym, yes, I still went, but it never had the same momentum to it anymore. And I'm just connecting that right now.
Mel Robbins (00:45:15):
That is a beautiful insight, a life-changing one because do you remember what happened as, let's go back to that moment. You open up the locker, you reach in and you grab your phone. And how did you learn?
Ricki (00:45:32):
There was several messages from my sister that were there. And so I called back, and then she had said to me, I told her I was at the gym, and she's like, okay, just call me when you get home. And I was like, what's going on? Something in me knew that because he had been in the hospital at the time and something in me, I was just like, just tell me. Just tell me. Just tell me. And then she told me,
Mel Robbins (00:46:03):
See, and I remember, yes, you remember because that's a traumatic event in your life, and it got married with something that you love to do. So it makes perfect sense that it pulled the ease and the joy out of the thing that you used to love to do. But now that you have that incredible self-awareness, I would include that in the letter. And I know you wouldn't have wanted it. And me didn't stop doing that, and I didn't either. And I just realized this, and I'm freeing myself of this, and I'm telling you, I love you and thank you for being proud of me, and I'm going to start running again every day. I'm going to start doing this. I'm going to start living again. What are you getting from this conversation?
Ricki (00:47:11):
Things are clicking that I never actually thought had anything to do with each other. This conversation we're having. I had no idea it was going to go where it went, and I didn't think that my dad had anything to do with me feeling stuck. Very surprised.
Mel Robbins (00:47:43):
Does it make sense?
Ricki (00:47:45):
Yeah, it does.
Mel Robbins (00:47:48):
You're far away from the death, so it wouldn't make sense in the moment. But when you look backwards over time and you see the events that happened as soon as you found out and how those then accumulate and start to weigh you down, and then it slowly starts to shift your day-to-day life and the things that you feel like doing. And you mentioned that you had a bout of depression after he died, and the heaviness emotionally that comes with that makes it feel impossible to get to acting or impossible to express yourself or impossible to get to the gym. And you can wake up from a period like that years later, and suddenly you're a person that doesn't exercise anymore and you're not acting anymore. And you don't quite know why, because it wasn't like, huh, there's this big thing that happened a year. No, it happened over time as you were surviving something traumatic. And your opportunity now, and I'm going to recap it, is I want you to take out a piece of paper and
Mel Robbins (00:48:59):
I want you to draw a line down the center. And on the left hand side, I want you to write down what did an average week look like for you in your twenties? When did you wake up? How often did you see your friends? What were you doing for exercise, your hobbies and your self-expression and your artistry?
(00:49:21):
How often were you engaged in that? And then on the right hand side, you're going to write down what your day-to-day or your weekly life looks like now. And then you just compare the two lists and your own life. Ricki holds the map for tapping back into your life force energy and your joy and your momentum. And I do think that exercise is a critical piece of this. And a simple way to get started is if you were to just walk once, 10 minutes a day outside, that's it. Walk like you're late for 10 minutes every day. It is shocking how fast it starts to build the momentum of you moving again. How you feeling?
Ricki (00:50:22):
Good. I mean, it's just hopeful. That's what I should say. I should say hopeful.
Mel Robbins (00:50:35):
Terrific. Can you write this letter and go read it to your dad in the next 24 hours?
Ricki (00:50:44):
No. Okay. I can write the letter.
Mel Robbins (00:50:47):
Okay.
Ricki (00:50:48):
Write right now. I'm actually away. I'm on vacation.
Mel Robbins (00:50:51):
Oh, great. By when can you do this assignment
Ricki (00:50:59):
Next week?
Mel Robbins (00:51:01):
Great. I would love to talk to you after you've done it.
Ricki (00:51:05):
Okay.
Mel Robbins (00:51:05):
And I'll give you the next step.
Ricki (00:51:08):
Okay.
Mel Robbins (00:51:09):
Terrific. And in the meantime, compare those two lists. I want you to make sure, add in walking for 10 minutes, like you're late every single day, and we will build from there.
Ricki (00:51:23):
Okay.
Mel Robbins (00:51:24):
Awesome. Oh, and there's one other thing I wanted to tell you. And how old are you again? 44.
Ricki (00:51:32):
44? Yes.
Mel Robbins (00:51:33):
Okay. So lemme tell you something. When I was 44, which would've been 2013, my life was not where I thought it was going to be. I was $800,000 in debt. There were liens on the house. My husband was leaving a restaurant business that was failing and hadn't been paid in six months. I was struggling with a drinking problem, and I had only just given that TEDx talk that had somebody had just put online. I was working two jobs to pay our bills because my husband was so depressed and bottomed out that he couldn't do anything, and I could barely keep the groceries on the table and the lights on at her house. That was 2013. So when I tell you at the age of 44 that the best years of your life are ahead of you, I fucking mean it. You have no idea what you're capable of. But what I do know is that when you figure out why you want your life to be better, and when you put your head down and you chip away at it, you will be startled by what you are able to achieve. I hadn't written a book. I didn't have a podcast. I didn't have a social media account. I hadn't really told anybody about the five second rule. I didn't have any big plans to do anything other than try to pay my bills and keep my family together. When you figure out how to heal and why you want to create a better life, you will be shocked at what unfolds. I see a smile.
Ricki (00:54:09):
Yeah. Yeah, because that sounds exciting to me.
Mel Robbins (00:54:15):
Yeah, it is exciting. We need you. We need you to start acting and writing and singing again. We need you to be happy again, because when you are, it's going to be incredible to see what you go create.
Ricki (00:54:39):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:54:42):
Awesome.
Ricki (00:54:43):
Thank you.
Mel Robbins (00:54:44):
You're welcome. Thank you. I love you.
Ricki (00:54:49):
I love you, Mel.
Mel Robbins (00:54:52):
All right. Well, we will talk to you after you talk to your dad.
Ricki (00:54:55):
Okay.
Mel Robbins (00:54:58):
Wow, that was incredible. And you want to know what else was incredible?
Mel Robbins (00:55:03):
Ricki did write that letter, and she did go to her father's grave and she recorded an update for you and me. Check it out.
Ricki (00:55:15):
Hi Mel. It's Ricki. So I went to the cemetery to visit my father, and I happened to be the 16th anniversary of when we buried him. It's crazy just the way that it ended up turning out because a friend of mine was driving down to that area, and then I asked her if she could take me, and she said, sure. And then she said the day that she was going, and it is just crazy that it just ended up being the exact same day that we buried my dad 16 years ago. So that was pretty crazy. Anyway, so yeah, I went and I brought him some tulips, which were one of his favorite flowers. His other flower that he loved was the Cali Lilly. But yeah, so he used to plant tulips in our front yard and all different colors and re used to love the springtime because of the tulips, but as I digress.
(00:56:21):
So anyway, I read him the letter that I wrote and I told him how much I missed him and what he means to me and still what he meant to me and what he still means to me. And that, I mean, I told him about how I've kind of been giving up on life because I wanted to prove I didn't have the chance to have him be proud of me. And I told him about the revelations and the aha moments that I had with you, Mel, and that I can continued to have after our session in my journaling. And it was really nice to just sit there and kind of tell him everything.
(00:57:12):
And also told him about how I haven't been showing up in my life and talk to him about me not being very into working out anymore because of unconsciously I didn't even realize, but, but I told him all of that. And then I went into saying that I'm making him a promise, that I know that he's proud of me and that I can still make him proud of the life that is ahead of me, and that there's so much to my life that he's going to be able to watch and see and guide me through my decisions still. Even just because he's not here physically, that doesn't mean that he can't help me and that he can't still be proud of me. So yeah, I made him that promise and that I'm going to start really living my life. So I just wanted to give you that update sorted long. So I just wanted to say thank you, Mel. Thank you so much. And I just feel like everything is going to be just accelerating. I just really believe that my life is going to be unrecognizable this time next year. It's just going to be so much manifestations of all the things, relationship, career, and anyways. Yeah. So that's my long sorted update for you. I probably should condense it to something smaller, but yeah, I think that's all I have to say, but thank you.
Mel Robbins (00:59:05):
Alright. I'm not crying. You're crying. Oh my gosh. I just love this. I love these conversations. I love sharing them with you. I believe her. I believe that everything's accelerating. I believe that her life is going to be unrecognizable this time next year. And the belief is so important. You just experienced what it's like to go from convincing yourself that you can't change and it's never going to work out for you to seeing what lies beneath the surface and what happens when you are willing to dig out those roots, when you're willing to go deep, when you're willing to do the work, to truly change what you believe and mean it. Wow. And one other thing that I always mean is that I love you. When I tell you I love you, I mean it. And I always say it because so many people don't have anybody in their life that tells 'em, I love you.
(01:00:17):
I'm proud of you, and I want you to let that in. Let it in. I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to stop attacking this stuff on the surface and go a little deeper. Connect the dots between where you are and what might've happened to you and do the work to make today day one of you believing that your life will be unrecognizable this time next year. Because if you do the work, it will be Alrighty. Talk to you in a few days. Bye. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Resources
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- Psychology Today: Do you fall in love too quickly?
- UC, Berkeley: How to regulate your emotions without suppressing them.
- Time Magazine: Ignoring your emotions is bad for your health.
- Check out Finding Meaning: The 6th Stage of Grief, from David Kessler.
- My team and I also love What Happened to You? By Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry.
- Not sure how to write a letter to someone who’s passed on? Read this.
- Here’s my simple secret for being happy.
- Happiness comes and goes, but joy can be cultivated daily.
- TED: The psychology of your future self, with psychologist Dan Gilbert.
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