Episode: 5
How to Let Go: 2 Simple Ways to Find Clarity & Move On
a Solo Episode
How do you know if you should keep fighting for something or if it’s time to let go?
Learn how to release what's weighing you down and sucking your energy dry.
Get the practical steps to create room for growth and unlock your potential.
Unlock the magic of your life.
Aren’t you ready for that?
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With just a little bit of consistent effort and an optimistic attitude, inch by inch, step by step, you can make anything happen.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
How do you let go of what no longer serves you? Your energy and your intuition is always there to tell you when it's time to let something go. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex. Your body knows, your spirit knows. Alright, everybody get ready. Okay, today on the Mel Robbins podcast, I'm going to take you on a hike with me. Here's a theme that is hitting me today because it's a crisp fall day is how the trees around us here in southern Vermont, they're all starting to change colors and drop their leaves and on the trail all kinds of leaves have now fallen to the ground. And it makes me think about the fact that one big theme that we don't talk enough about when it comes to change or improving your life is what do you need to let wither away and fall away and drop to the ground in your life in order to change?
(01:36):
And that's what we're going to talk about today, letting things go to make room for new things to spring. I might have to continue this episode in the studio given that I am huffing and puffing so much on this trail that you're not going to be able to hear the words coming out of my mouth. Alright, well first I want to thank you for your patience with me because I know I promised to take you on the hike, not just start a hike with you, but clearly I got a lot that I want to unpack here about letting go. And so I got a lot I also need to do to get in better shape to be able to talk and hike at the same time. Actually, you know what I'm going to commit right now to letting go of making myself wrong. Good job, Mel Robbins for getting out there.
(02:24):
Good job for trying out an episode where I would be walking and talking and recording it on my iPhone. And good job for having the presence of mine to realize it would be a better listening experience for you and a better experience for me to unpack this really important topic of letting go. How do you let go of what no longer serves you? I got to say, I get questions about this all the time. In fact, just yesterday I got
Mel Robbins (02:55):
This question from Cheryl Mel, how do you know that the thing you're holding onto is meant to be let go of versus fighting for it even harder? Do you have any thoughts or perhaps tools to help discover it or encourage the universe to bring that epiphany along? In other words, how do I know when it's time to let go? Alright, everybody get ready.
(03:22):
This is one of the most important aspects of creating a better life and of being a happier person. We spend so much time focusing on what we need to do, what we need to add in, what we need to change. And have you stopped to consider that the best place to make a change is by letting go of things, of projects, of thinking, patterns of relationships that no longer serve you. And the big question is how do you know when it's time? And I have got not only a fantastic visual metaphor to help you understand this concept, but I also have a really interesting way to approach this. We're going to talk about the fact that your energy and your intuition is always there to tell you when it's time to let something go because it no longer serves you. So to get into this topic,
Mel Robbins (04:23):
I want to introduce the metaphor and it was the metaphor I had started talking about as we were on that hike together. I mean here in the United States anyways, it is autumn, it is the fall season. We are all about pumpkins. We are in harvest time. There are corn stalks everywhere. We're getting ready for orange and red and all those amazing colors and carrot cake. I mean, I love this time of year and I realize it may not be fall where you are. If you're part of our global fan base halfway around the world, it's summertime. Don't get hung up on the fact that I'm using fall as a metaphor. I personally believe whenever it is that you are listening to this episode, even if it's two years from now, you're listening to this right now because you are meant to hear it right now because there is a new season that needs to start in your life and that's going to require you to let go of things that no longer serve you.
(05:26):
And so let's talk about the metaphor of what happens to a tree when the fall season hits. And in researching this for you, because it's one thing to just kind of tell you a metaphor, it's another thing to really understand it and explain it. This was fascinating. I know we learned about chlorophyll and fall and the lifecycle of a tree in elementary school, but I had forgotten most of this stuff. So check this out. The reason why a tree has leaves is because the tree needs energy to survive. It needs energy to grow and the leaves have a very particular purpose. The leaves are there to take the sunlight and convert it to energy so that the tree can grow. And in exchange, the tree gives a ton of water back to these leaves. I mean this process of the leaves sprouting and the leaves growing and the leaves taking its surface area and converting the sun into energy so the tree can go from a tiny little acorn to a mighty oak.
(06:35):
That is a lot of energy and there's this reciprocal nature to the relationship that a tree has to its leaves because the tree has to bring in tons of water in order to fuel this energy exchange. And here's the reason why. Leaves fall off a tree in the middle of winter, at least here in the United States when the ground is frozen and snow pack is on top, there is no water for the tree. And if those leaves with their big flat surface were to stay on that tree through winter, the leaves would kill the tree. It would suck the tree dry of all the water that it needs. An interesting thing about fall is that we look at the leaves turning and we look at the leaves, dropping gently and felling down to the ground is this beautiful thing that happens, this natural thing that happens.
(07:36):
It's so lovely, it's just wonderful. Isn't this delightful? Do you want to know that this is almost like a violent act that the trees are pushing those leaves off its branches. The tree is basically going, yo, if you are hanging around on my branches through the wintertime, you are going to suck me dry of all my energy. I'm going to die if you don't get off my fricking branches. The tree literally pushes them, ejects them, kicks them out of their life. Why? Because there is no reciprocal energy exchange that can happen during the winter. The tree has to conserve its energy to survive. And after the winter season, once those leaves are gone and the tree can conserve its energy instead of giving it all to that leaf while killing itself, I bet you got areas of your life where you're given all your energy into a relationship or into your work or into some stupid thinking pattern that you've been doing for years that makes you feel bad.
(08:39):
You put all your energy in one direction, you get nothing in return. That's what fall is for a tree. The fall season for a tree is thank you very much for spring and summer. You were amazing, this relationship between the leaf and the tree, this reciprocal, you got energy from me, I got energy from you, ba bang, ba boom, and then all of a sudden, boom, this is a one-way thing. And if I hold onto these leaves, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. And I'm bringing that metaphor and that visual and that documented point of view that this isn't just some lovely thing where the leaves change colors and it's so beautiful. And now we all drink a pumpkin spiced latte. That's not what this is. This is a tree survival. This is about energy. This is about the fact that in order to grow, in order to be strong, to be the best, you got to surround yourself with relationships and work and projects and friendships and habits where there is an equal reciprocal exchange that you give and you get and return.
(09:56):
And that's where we're going to start. When it comes to how I want you to think about this concept of letting go. We're going to talk about how do identify that moment when
Mel Robbins (10:10):
There is no longer that energy exchange, that there is something that has become a complete energy suck. And when you realize whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship or a job or some habit or a place that you live, when you realize that something has become an energy suck on you, that's when you know it's time to let go. That's when you know like that tree that you better kick that thing off your branches because it's hanging onto you or you're holding onto it. And if you keep doing that, what will happen? And you've had this happen in your life where you've held on to things for too long, where you refuse to let things go.
(10:55):
And what did it do? It sucked you dry. It sucked you dry your energy, it sucked you dry your vitality. It made you feel depleted instead of those leaves or that project or that person withering away and falling to the ground so that you could regain your strength so that you could step into a new season of your life. No, you gave it all to them. You held on for too long. Well, guess what? That's not happening anymore. Because what we're going to talk about when we come back from a short word from our sponsors, which I want you to listen to because by the way, our sponsors, they're the reason why I can show up twice a week. There is a reciprocal exchange between us. They literally pay for this show, which is why I am so enthusiastic about it. So we can put this out there around the world for free.
(11:41):
So I want to give an energy exchange back to the amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast. Take a listen. We're going to be right back because we're going to now talk about in detail what do I mean by reciprocal energy exchange and where are the major areas in your life where you tend to start to have this be a one way thing where you're given all the energy and you're the one that's depleted and dry. All right, I'll be right back. You hang on to my branches. We're not done yet. It's really green right now, which means these trees are holding onto it chlorophyll that chlorophyll is coming through. But in literally a matter of days, the green is going to leave those leaves. Yellow, orange, red, brown, purple. It's going to take over and those leaves will have served their purpose and they will all of a sudden wither away and fall to the ground.
(12:43):
That was Mel Robbins, your friend who has a degree in botany. No, just kidding. I want to touch on one point from what I said on the trail before we get into this energy exchange and how you're going to use your intuition and the fact that you deserve to have an exchange, a reciprocal nature to what you give and what you receive back from it. I want to talk about one thing that I said which is the leaves served their purpose.
Mel Robbins (13:18):
When the leaves are green, the leaves are bringing energy to the tree and the tree is returning energy in the form of water. The reason why the leaves start to change is because the tree starts to pull back. The tree starts pulling back on the amount of water that it's sending to the leaves. The tree is starting to let go. The leaf no longer serves a purpose.
(13:49):
And this is an important thing to say because so often we have trouble letting go of friendships, of habits, of jobs. For me where I lived and raised our kids for 26 years, we recently sold our home. And by God I held onto that for probably two years longer than we needed to because I had trouble letting go. But what I want you to focus on is that when something has a purpose in your life, that's an amazing thing. And it's also normal for something to serve a purpose during a specific period of time and to no longer serve a purpose in your life now or in the life you want to create. And so when you honor that, a friendship served a purpose. And a really good example of this is you know how whenever you have a new job or you move an apartment or you move to a city that all of a sudden the patterns in your life change and your friendships change and your friendships change because now you're doing different things.
(15:07):
So you're bumping into different people. It doesn't mean that you're no longer friends with the people that you used to hang out with at work, but the friends that you had at work served a particular important purpose during that period of your life. There was an equal exchange back and forth what you gave, you received back. It's why you ate lunch with the same people every day. You enjoyed them and they enjoyed you. But now that you live somewhere else, putting a ton of energy back into that relationship when you're not going to get the same back, it doesn't serve the same purpose. And that's why when you let go of friendships, you also need to let go of the judgment on yourself like there's something wrong with me and am I doing something wrong? And do I have any? Of course you have friends, the patterns of your life have changed.
(15:56):
You're putting energy somewhere else because you're getting energy from somewhere else. This is the natural cycle of life. It's the natural cycle of relationships. And I find that when you really honor the things that you need to let go of, whether it's a job you no longer like or a house you no longer want to live in or a friendship you don't see very often, or maybe it's some habit, maybe it's some habit that you used to have. So when you say something serves a purpose, you actually honor you. Honor the energy it used to give you honor the fact that you put something into it. And you also honor the fact that not everything is going to be in your life forever. And that's what allows you to let go. You start to let go when you realize that holding onto things is holding you back and in particular holding onto the guilt and the judgment that you layer onto yourself that you should, but I feel guilty.
(16:59):
But but that, that is definitely holding you back from creating a new life and from creating space for something new to happen. And see, that's one of the reasons why you have to learn how to let go. Because when you continue to pour your energy into things that no longer give you energy back, it's going to kill you. It's going to kill your happiness. It's going to kill your vitality. It destroys your motivation, it makes you feel depleted. It makes you feel like you're the last on your list. And so that's reason number one. And the second reason why you have to start to let go of what doesn't serve you is because as long as you are holding onto the old stuff, you have no time, no space and no motivation to create anything new, period. And you know this. So let's now jump into
Mel Robbins (17:59):
How do I use this energy exchange and my intuition to spot the things that are draining me dry and to let them go, push 'em off the branches, get them out of my life, thank them for their purpose and their service. But then get out of here because you need to make room for something new and better and energizing. Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, you better believe it. Sounds good. So let's do it. And one of the reasons why I want you to really focus on energy is because your energy doesn't lie. I mean, just for a second with me, just take a second. Whether you're out there walking the dog or you're driving around in your car or you're working from home or you're busy doing a bunch of stuff, I want you to just stop for a second and I want you to assess right now what's your energy level? Think about a fuel gauge in a car empty to full, empty. And a human being means you feel depleted, you feel burnt out, you feel checked out, you feel like your whole life is basically pouring energy into everything else Full in a human being basically means that you're energized, you're excited, you feel like the things that you're pouring yourself into, your habits, your routine, the people you're surrounded with, the projects you're working on.
(19:26):
It may be difficult, but it's bringing energy back into your life too. Your energy never lies. We are energetic human beings. And I know that sounds woo woo. We can get into the neuroscience on that on a totally different episode, but let me prove it to you. Have you ever walked into say, a coffee shop and the person that is behind the counter is having the world's worst day. They are super grumpy. It doesn't matter how big your smile is, it doesn't matter how nice you are. They are like that energy actually impacts you. Just like your positive energy can impact somebody else. Energy is contagious. And most importantly, when you hang out with your friend Mel Robbins, I'm going to teach you to start to pay attention to it and I'm going to teach you to trust it because energy is also tied to intuition.
(20:24):
And we're going to get into this tool of how do you assess? Is something giving me positive energy? Is something giving me negative energy? Is this a relationship that is one way or is this something that gives me something in return that is the tool we're going to talk about today. And what if the very next morning you walk into the coffee shop and you're having bad day, one of your pets is really sick and it just is really bumming you out and you're feeling really low. The person behind the counter is just the nicest person on the planet and they look you in the eyes and they give you a big smile and they are really cheery and they compliment you and they maybe even ask you, Hey, how you doing? You're like, oh, I'm not doing so great. Oh, I'm really sorry, coffee's on me.
(21:10):
How do you feel? You feel better because they poured their positive energy into you and that lifted you up. Energy is contagious. It also always tells the truth. It's like a compass. In fact, a compass runs on magnetic energy. That's why a compass always points true north. It never lies. Your energy doesn't lie either. It's why you feel kind of off around certain people. It's why if somebody texts you and you don't like 'em, you're like, ugh. But if you like the person, you're like, oh yeah, cool. Energy never lies. So let's talk about how we're going to use it. Okay, so I'm going to break the topic of letting go into two different types of situations. And in each one I'm going to explain how to use energy and paying attention to the energy inside you, both that you're giving, that you're feeling and that you're receiving back in order to know when it's time to let go.
Mel Robbins (22:09):
So situation number one is super easy and this is typically when it has to do with things or projects or a job or somebody who's really, really engaging in toxic behavior. Okay? This is the easy stuff. This is when you have a flood of negativity around something. And I'm going to give you a bunch of examples of this. So we all have a pair of pants that we're holding onto from high school or before we were pregnant or whenever that we can't freaking fit into. When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't fit in them. When you try to wiggle 'em on, especially after a shower, you feel terrible about yourself. That is something that is an example. You need to let go of that job that you walk into where there is a pit in your stomach and you gripe about it to your friends and you spend all this energy pouring into why you hate it and resist it.
(23:13):
You need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you, you need to let 'em go. And what does that mean? Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new one. I mean, just imagine. That's the other thing about this. Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste focusing on resistance and complaining? If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy like your job or your parents or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your roommates, what if you stopped complaining because that's negative energy pouring out and you directed that same effort towards something positive like fixing it or letting it go and creating something new that makes you feel good?
(24:17):
I relate to that because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like. Instead of realizing I needed to complete this, I needed to let this go. The roommate served a purpose two years ago, not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches. You know what I'm saying? Time to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed. So when you have things that are for sure 100% zapping your energy or you find yourself complaining, griping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in two ways. Obviously. Donate, throw out, delete is one. The other one is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive. If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills, no problem.
(25:22):
Instead of complaining, instead of feeling resistant, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work looking for a new one or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a side hustle that brings you positive energy. And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive, and that's going to lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it. I remember being right out of, let's see, how old was I? I was 30 years old. I was pregnant with our daughter who's now 23. And we had moved to Boston from New York City where I had been a public defender and I love that job working for legal aid.
(26:18):
And so we moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay. So I get a job in this huge law firm, and working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid, I was in court five days a week from eight o'clock in the morning till five o'clock in the afternoon. That was my job. I was on my feet. I was negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges and that going to clients, going to Rikers, all of it. When you get a job in a large law firm, you literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day.
(26:58):
It was the exact opposite of what I am wired to do. I knew the moment I got that job that I was going to hate it. And for a year I would get on the commuter rail and I would commute in for 45 minutes, and then I would get off the commuter rail and I would clump, clump, clump, clump over to the building. And then I would get in the elevator and then I would take the elevator up to whatever the 23rd floor, and then I'd clump, clump, clump, clump. I'd go into my office and shut the door. And from the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer I got to that office as that train, clunk, clunk, clunk down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt I got nothing in return from that job. Yes, I got a paycheck and I needed it.
(27:51):
So it served a purpose, but I was getting nothing of value back because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew damn well that's not the life I wanted. I knew that this was not a fit for me. But I'll tell you, I made the mistake that everybody makes. Instead of recognizing that, that's how I felt. Instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and ugh into looking for something else, I sat there miserable and I felt depleted and I felt awful. And I'm going to confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice. Then you know what happened to me? I got pregnant and I had a baby and I went on maternity leave. And when I was on maternity leave, that's when with distance from it, I was like, okay, there is no way I'm going back there no way.
(28:44):
Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. And we've all had exes like that where you're in it for so long, you finally let it go and break off. And they're like, what the hell was I thinking? Now that I'm on the other side and I'm away from that energy suck, I don't want to go back to the energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity vortex can keep you spinning and stuck. You convince yourself, but I knew the money, but I can't do this. And then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy and the wrong thing that you're just stuck. Stuck. That was me. So I get pregnant, I go on maternity leave. Holy cow, I am free from the vortex of negativity. I have been let go. But now I got to go back.
(29:26):
And so my husband, Chris says to me, look, I know you don't want to go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage and we have a baby. And you'll go crazy being home. And so here's the thing, you need to find a job. Your maternity leave ends in exactly three months. So that means you have 12 weeks to find a job and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. And you know what's interesting? If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. And I'll tell you what, the night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job. It wasn't for 60 grand, it was for 55, but that was enough. And I walked in the next day and I let go, what do you say? I guess I quit. But they didn't let me go.
(30:15):
I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is do not make the mistake that 30-year-old Mel Robbins made. Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex. Your body knows, your spirit knows. Get rid of those pants. Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. And I want to just remind you that we're talking about reciprocal energy exchange. That's why these situations of the pants that don't fit the friend that's engaging in toxic behavior or the job that sucks your soul dry, there is nothing that you're getting in return, nothing. In fact, what you're getting in return is more negativity. Those jeans in your closet make you feel bad about yourself. It's bringing you negative energy.
(31:17):
That job that you're complaining about, that you go to day to day convincing yourself, you can't leave, you can't find some la da. It's bringing negative energy into your life. And so these situations are super easy to spot because there's no reciprocal value to the relationship or the pants or the project period. Now what I want to talk about is the more complicated situations.
Mel Robbins (31:45):
Those situations where it's not clear where you feel guilty, where maybe you're taking care of an agent, parent or a child that's struggling with mental health stuff and it is depleting as hell. Or maybe you are really struggling with friendship or in relationships because you have old patterns of behavior that you don't realize or interfering with this free flowing, reciprocal, give and take that really brings amazing things into your life. So when we come back, that's what we're going to talk about because this notion that I'm teaching you of letting go and energy, it's not complicated at all, but life doesn't work that way.
(32:31):
Life can get really complicated. And so when we come back, that's what we're going to dig into next. Hey, welcome back. I want to recap everything that we've covered because here on the Mel Robbins podcast, there is no one left behind. So let's talk about what we've already covered. Okay? Number one, we've talked about the fact that in order to be a happier person and create the life that you deserve, you have to learn how to let go of the things that no longer serve you. Number two, you have learned that letting go is a natural and important part of your lifecycle. Whether you need to let go of friendships or a job or a place that you live or habits or the friend group that you hang out with letting go allows you to create room for new growth, new seasons, new chapters, new adventures.
(33:32):
And it's only through that growth and those new things that you're allowing yourself to experience, that you will come into your full potential and you will unlock the magic in your life. So letting go is not a bad thing. It's a really good thing. It's a great skill. In fact, I notice in the dms a lot of you go,
Mel Robbins (33:55):
But aren't I a quitter if I quit? No winners quit all the time. I actually think it's a losing thing to do, to hold on to things that no longer serve you. One aspect of being a winner is knowing where to put your focus and knowing when something should end. And so absolutely, winners quit all the time because when you're quitting or saying no to something right now, that's actually a yes to something else. And when you frame letting go to be not a no, not a breakup, not something negative, but letting go is letting something else open up in your life.
(34:41):
Letting go is a beginning. Letting go is about possibility. Letting go is about the magic that's ahead. It's about the future. And so letting go is so important and I want you to embrace it. The third thing that we talked about is that you have natural intelligence inside of you. And that may sound all woo woo. This is science, and we're going to unpack this all the time because I'm going to keep coming back to the fact that you have instincts. You have hard wiring. Your gut is trying to tell you something. And one of the fastest ways to read that natural intelligence is to pay attention to your energy. You have felt what I'm talking about when things are off, when you feel depleted, you know when you naturally click with somebody, that is data that matters because it's data that helps you make the changes, the small changes that improve your life.
(35:35):
The fourth thing that you've clearly learned is that the best things in life are reciprocal. Even volunteering. Volunteering is a reciprocal act. You want to know why? When you volunteer and you volunteer your time, you volunteer your energy, you donate money, you always receive something in return. Don't you feel this sense of meaning? You feel connected to something larger and more important than your day-to-day struggles? That is a reciprocal energy exchange. You donate money, you volunteer your time and effort and resources. You get something invaluable back. That's reciprocal. That's why it adds meeting the best friendships reciprocal. You pour in, they pour back. Same thing with your romantic relationships. And all you need to do is to think about that one person you chased, right? That you're constantly going after. Should I text now all the energy going at them? And yeah, maybe you got an orgasm back, but then mostly you got negativity because you're constantly insecure, constantly worried, no idea where you stood, always stressed out about it, thinking about it, distracted by it.
(36:47):
That is not a reciprocal relationship. That is an obsession that's unhealthy for you. So there are things in life that are really hard that take a lot of energy. Things that I hate doing, things like exercise. I hate exercising, I hate getting out of bed. But once I push through that resistance, right? You learned all about this in the episode called motivation is garbage. Once you get the activation energy and you do the thing, what happens after you exercise? You get a reciprocal return of positive energy. You feel great about yourself. The same thing's true about my husband who doesn't drink right now. It takes a lot of effort, at least it did in the beginning, and it was really hard because he had been drinking for a long time. But even though it's hard, it's so worth it. Why? Because there is this reciprocal return.
(37:42):
You start to feel so good about yourself, you sleep better at night. You have clarity. You have pride. You're aligned with your values. And that values word is really important because when it becomes even more nuanced, your values is how you're going to create a return of energy in really hard situations. So I can give you two examples. Any one of you who is caring for an aging parent knows how difficult that is. Any one of you that has a child or a partner who is struggling with mental health issues knows how difficult that is, you also know that you are pouring your energy into caring for this person. And it can be very depleting because the person that is sick or the person that's struggling doesn't often give back what you're pouring in. It also may be physically demanding because you're working all the time, plus you're doing this at night, and so you are tired.
(38:45):
It's a fact. So how in those situations do you create this exchange of energy? The secret is values tap into your values in order to create positive energy back and to help you rise above the day-to-day stresses that are temporary. Because the truth is, if you tap into your values, it makes you feel like an amazing human being. Knowing that you are there for your mom, it makes you feel like a good person knowing that you are a compassionate caregiver that is helping your child or your partner through a really difficult chapter. When you start to feel depleted, remind yourself, lift your gaze, raise your gaze and look out to the future and feel proud of yourself for acting in alignment with the kind of person you know yourself to be, even though it's hard. That's how you create a positive energy return for yourself in those situations where somebody either doesn't have it to give back or the situation itself is really physically demanding.
(40:08):
I'll give you another example. I have a friend that is going through a hard time and has been for a long time, and I continue to pour into this friendship even though I don't get a lot back, why? The reason why is I get a lot back knowing that if I were in this situation, I would want a friend of mine to stay around and pour into me. And that is what drives me. That creates that energy exchange. And so you have within you the ability to do things that feel hard, like exercising or stopping drinking or staying sober or changing your habits or making cold calls. You can do those things that feel difficult and trust me, you're going to feel proud of yourself, which is why they return on the investment of effort. And you can do things that are draining. And I promise you, they will come back to you with energy because it makes you feel good about yourself.
(41:11):
And I bet you can think of four or five things that you're doing right now that are hard, that you're not even giving yourself credit for. You should be proud of yourself. You're a good person. You keep showing up, and that is something you need to celebrate. That's something that you need to feel energized about. And in those times when it gets really hard, remind yourself, this too shall pass, that what goes up also comes down. Just like when you're hiking a trail on a mountain, that this is a season of your life and holding on, holding on to what doesn't serve you is going to drain you. It's going to kill off your happiness. But finding ways to bring energy back in those situations that are aligned with your values and what you want, that's a power move. Now to close, there are two rules that I want you to start practicing right now because these are the two big energy drainers and you can start today.
Mel Robbins (42:10):
Energy drainer. Number one, anytime you're complaining, that's right. Complaining to yourself is a complete energy drain period. We were heading here to the studio, there was a ton of traffic. We were running late. I could feel the negative wave of stress coming. I could feel the depleted, the depletion coming. I could feel it all happening. I could feel the thoughts starting to go. That is when you are sucking your own energy dry. I started complaining. Should have got out properly, should have done this, should stop complaining. Stop complaining about that job you don't like. Stop complaining about the traffic. Stop complaining about your partner. Stop complaining about your weight. Stop complaining about the things in your life because here's the truth, with a little bit of effort and a little better attitude and a little positive energy, you can fricking change anything because you can take the actions that change anything.
(43:06):
And so instead of bitching about the job, get busy tomorrow morning and start looking for a new one. Instead of complaining that you don't have any friends. Spend some time putting yourself in activities where you're going to meet new people. This is so important. Anywhere in your life where you are complaining, you are your own energy drain because you are pouring negative energy at something instead of redirecting that same effort and attitude and just ugh into something positive. So that's rule number one. No complaining, I dare you. Try to go 24 hours and not complain about anything today. It's next to impossible. I would love to hear from you if you take this challenge on seriously, I would just tag me on social media. Tell me how the 24 hour rule is going of no complaining Rule number two, trying to control other people it.
(43:59):
I was at an event in Las Vegas with my friend, not Las Vegas. I was an event in Los Angeles with my friend Kathy Heller, and we took a bunch of questions from the audience. And this particular question from one woman, I can't stop thinking about how do you stop controlling your friends? You stop. That's how you do it. When you catch yourself trying to control someone and then you let go of the desire to change them, and you redirect all of that angst and energy toward caring, listening, supporting, creating this reciprocal exchange of allowing them to show up exactly as they are, you get connection back. Your attempt to control somebody blocks connection. It blocks the exchange between people. And here's one more thing about letting go when it comes to relationships, maybe sometimes the purpose that some people play in your life is simply to teach you how to let go.
(45:06):
Let's go back to the top of Haystack Mountain in southern Vermont because our friend Mel Robbins, she has huff and she has puffed and step-by-step, she has made it to the top of Haystack Mountain. And there's something interesting about that. It's an example of how putting in the effort, throwing in the energy and doing things that may be hard, they may be a struggle. They may make you pant and turn bright red on the face. They may make you feel like maybe you can't do this. That's good. That is so good because when you push yourself to do something out of your comfort zone that is positive, and what do you get back? You get back all kinds of positive energy in return, you feel pride, you feel happy, you grow a little bit, you get a great view. And speaking of you, Mel has something that she wants to say to you to wrap this up, the other amazing thing about hiking and being out here in the woods and climbing on top of a mountain is that once you actually get to the top, your whole brain distorts how painful it was to cross the bridge, hike the trail, and go step by step to get where you wanted to go.
(46:26):
But it just goes to show you with just a little bit of consistent effort and an optimistic attitude, inch by inch, step by step, you can make anything happen, especially if you make room for new things to come into your life. I can't wait to hear what you've been inspired to let go of in this season. I would love to hear what tools made the most difference from you. If there's somebody in your life that is gripping hard or holding onto things that no longer serve them, please share this episode because together you've not only made this one of the number one ranking podcasts in the entire world before we even launched, but you're also helping us impact and change people's lives around the world. Every time you share these episodes or you bring these tools into your life and you use them to make your own experience a little happier, a little more fulfilling, and that has a ripple effect on the people that matter most around you. Alright, I love you. I believe in you. And oh, our dog's barking at somebody yellow. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
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