Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama

(17:31):

My business is growing so fast. I really need a place for the people that work for me to come and work. Oh, great. And they're going to love playing on the pool table too. The cool offices all have pool tables and ping pong. Dad, I don't have enough room in the room that it's in. Oh, well it could go in the living room, dad. It just can't because the living room's not big enough. So what are you saying though? Well, what I'm saying is I was going to hire the guy that you hired to level it and put the slate in to come back and lovingly take it apart. And I was going to store it in a really loving way until I have a place for it.

 

(18:17):

Silence. You want to know how I felt in that moment? I felt like the world's worst daughter. I felt like an ungrateful piece of shit because through the silence, I could feel my dad's heart sink. And it was a really hard thing to do. And that's why I say this is a balance. It's so easy to say on a TikTok video, just say no. When it's somebody that you love and you know that you're going to disappoint them. That's not easy. And you can still do it. And what's interesting about that moment is it didn't feel like this victory. It didn't feel like, yeah, there was this residue there because I knew that he was disappointed. And I was disappointed too.

 

(19:25):

I wish I had a bigger house. I wish I could accommodate this beautiful gift. I wish that I had a basement that it could go in. I wish I lived closer to them. And so all of that emotion came crashing in that moment. And that's why I'm going to keep on saying learning how to balance those moments when you know that your decision that is truly best for you and what you need is going to disappoint someone. Remember that two things can be true. You can do what's right for you and you can have somebody be disappointed in you. And you can know that deep down they still love you. I mean people that you love disappoint you all the time, all the time, and you still love them.

 

(20:17):

And it's a real art to learn how to be in those moments with grace and advocate for yourself and still hold space for somebody to be upset with you or disappointed in you or sad about it. That's what that moment was. It was just both of us feeling disappointed that it wasn't different. And do they tease me when they come? Of course they did. For years. They did. This was pretty recently, by the way, everybody. So I'm just remembering back to the fact that when I released the five second rule book, it was 2017 and I self-published that and we did all of the internal layouts. Do you know what I used that pool table for? It was our creative desk where I laid out the entire design of the five second rule book. So I'm talking less than five years ago, everybody, I had this conversation with my father and whenever they would come visit, they would walk in and they'd look in the direction of where my office was and nice pool table or every time I would say, yeah, I'd love grandma's table from the kitchen.

 

(21:36):

And then my mom would say something snarky like, oh, is it going to end up in the basement with the pool table? You sure you want it? And you know what? They're allowed to say that they're allowed to be disappointed. They're allowed to call me out on that, and I have to create space for them to have their feelings. And I also believe that that's one of the things we don't talk about a lot in relationships and people pleasing. You think when you're people pleasing, it's all one way. It's not. It's a give and a take. If you want other people to make room for the very real emotions that you feel and the reason why you need to put yourself first in certain circumstances, then you got to show up and hold up your end of the bargain and make room for their feelings of disappointment and confusion and sadness.

 

(22:27):

And just know that when somebody is given the space to process it or to make a joke or say something snarky because let's face it, do you know what's underneath that snarky comment? Oh, is it going to end up in the basement like the pool table? It's hurt, it's sadness that's not processed in a healthy way. And so just keep in mind that, yes, when you start putting yourself first and when you start making decisions, you will disappoint other people. Give them space to feel that and know that they will still love you. They do even if they don't express it in a constructive way. And also know that you can feel guilty. I sure as hell felt guilty and you want to know what? I still feel guilty even though it's not my fault. And I feel so guilty that you know what? Now that we're here in southern Vermont and I've built this dream house of mine, I made damn fucking sure that in the barn you better believe there's not only space for that pool table. I built a barn so that we could put the pool table in there. So dad, I know you're listening. You get your ass up here because I'm going to beat you in a game of pool when you do come, okay? And I can't wait.

 

(23:38):

And yeah, I still feel a little guilty why? Guilt is good. It means I care and it means I am expanding my capacity to live in that balance, to do things that really work for me and know that that is not going to work for some other people. And that's okay. That's what it's all about. I wish I could see you right now because I would imagine that you are feeling all kinds of things after hearing that story. So let's take a break real quick and hear a word from our sponsors. I might call my father on the break. I'm not going to lie about this. And when we come back, we got more questioners from listeners, and I want to tell you something about your brain and its connection to people pleasing. Stay with us. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. We're talking about people pleasing, and I'm really excited because we have a great question from a listener named Courtney.

 

Courtney (24:34):

Hi Mel. This is Courtney from Louisiana. I have a question for you. I have learned through therapy that one of my issues with self-love stemmed from trauma Growing up and through therapy, I've learned to release a lot of that trauma and discovered more self-love, which in turn has made me a different person. I've learned to create boundaries. My question is that I find family members are close friends that have been with me for most of my life. A lot of them don't like the new me with self-love. I think they see the new boundaries sometimes is rejection as a wall. I've heard family members say, when I say that won't work for me or things of that nature, that it's rude, unkind, unflexible difficult. But I'm just wondering if other people have discovered that a lot of times once you enter a world of more self-love and more authenticity, if you feel a sense of rejection from others.

 

Mel Robbins (25:52):

Courtney, I absolutely love this question. And in particular, I want to focus in on the word rejection. When you start putting yourself first, do you feel rejection from others? The answer is yes. And I want to now talk a little bit about why and explain a really interesting connection between your brain and the way that your brain processes stress or discomfort and this tendency that we have to please other people instead of making the right decision for ourself. So you know how you're in that moment. Let's just use the example of me and this pool table.

(28:13):

What if this, that, and this goes all the way back to childhood, and there's a lot of research around this. In fact, based on research, this discomfort that you feel when you know that what you want is at odds with how somebody else is going to feel the discomfort's normal, you're actually wired this way. And this has to do with the fact that we as human beings are designed to be in groups. 

(29:13):

Brain scans actually show that your prefrontal cortex, which mediates decision-making and the anterior insula, which is involved in the experience of your emotions and body sensations, it shows way more activity than other regions in the brain. When you're in a situation where what you want is in confrontation with somebody else, what you're experiencing, and I'm experiencing every single moment when I walk past that room, I see the pool table. I know I'm like, God, I would love to just disassemble that, but I can't do that to my dad. He's such an awesome dude. It is such an amazing gift. What kind of a selfish piece of shit am I to even think that thought? When you feel that wave of distress, that's cognitive dissidence. That's what's happening with you, that there are two beliefs that are at odds, and that uncomfortable feeling is what makes you cave.

 

(30:13):

It's what turns you into a people pleaser. And that's why this is so hard. And ultimately, this is a huge wake up call. I hope people pleasing is not about other people. 

(31:10):

Everybody, and again, I talked about this in the pool table story, just give people space to be disappointed. Just give people space to feel what they need to feel. Because whenever you change and you start making decisions that either go against somebody's expectations, no, I'm not coming for Thanksgiving, we're going to stay home with the kids. Nope, my parents just did that to me. I wanted them to come up for the holidays, really wanted them to spend Christmas with us this year. And when I invited 'em, they're like, thank you very much. We'd love to be with you. And no, we make it a rule not to travel during the holidays. Have you seen the airports? They're crazy. And then of course there were these huge storms and all kinds of cancellations, and they called right before Christmas. We're glad we didn't come, but I was disappointed.

 

(32:02):

It doesn't change the fact that I love them. They're just putting themselves first. That's what that is. And because they're able to do that tension that they'd normally be managing in their body, now it comes between us because we are at odds. But that's okay. That's what life is about. And you got to be able to work it out. And I want to tell you one other thing. You can use a little empathy. 

(32:47):

And so they made room for my feelings and they still did what made them feel good. That's the sign of a loving relationship, loving somebody how they need and want to be loved. And so when you start to change, it's going to change the dynamic. And the main thing to keep in mind about putting yourself first is that when you start to make decisions that work for you, it makes other people think about the decisions that they're making. So if you start to say, no, I'm not going to meet you at the local diner for pancakes and sausage this morning. We have every year for 10 years because I'm actually eating super healthy and they don't really have anything on the menu and I'm going to be out going for a training run for this 5K, I'm training on running. They're going to be like, what do you mean?

 

(33:42):

You want to know why? Because if they're used to you doing a certain thing, it is rejection. I wanted my parents to come for the holidays. And when they said, no, that's not going to work for us. You know what that was? That's rejection because it didn't meet my expectation. But let's go back to the bottom line. I'm allowed to feel that way and they're allowed to make decisions that they want to make if we make space for each other, what comes through is the love. That's it. So give them room, expect them to feel that way. And you now understand the science. Now I want to go to a question from a listener named Anna, because Courtney was talking about rejection, and Anna is coming at other people's reactions from a slightly different angle.

Mel Robbins (35:14):

Thanks, Anna. I love this question because you are making a mistake that every single one of us makes when we start to live a life that is truly aligned with what we want to be doing. Everybody that you are surrounded with right now has been on the road with you up until this point, but they have no idea what your day-to-day life is like moving forward because they're not living the same kind of life. And here's what I want you to understand. When this happens and you start to make very deliberate changes, whether it's in your health or maybe you've launched a business or you are just tired of kind of a gossipy social climbing circle of friends, and now you're seeking deeper meaning in your life, you don't have to ditch those people. They can continue to be in your life and they will be part of the rest of your life, but they're never going to understand what you're going through because they don't live the day-to-day life that you're living.

 

(36:25):

And a major mistake that I see people making is as we're making major changes, we turn to our existing friends and our family for council and they have absolutely no idea what we're going through. So for example, there are very few people on the planet who actually understand what I do for a living. I can count them on one hand when it comes to speaking on corporate stages, hosting a podcast, creating content for people like Starbucks and LinkedIn and Audible to being an entrepreneur, to having the social media following to having a marriage and a family. Very few people that understand the pressure I'm under, the impact that I'm making, the goals, the hopes, the dreams, the frustrations. My husband doesn't understand it. He's not in that world. My kids don't understand it, my friends don't understand it. If I want somebody to truly understand what my life looks like, I got to pick up the phone and call Jay Shetty or Jenna Kutcher or Trent Shelton, like somebody who is doing what I'm doing.

 

(37:32):

And it goes for everything. I'm in the middle of menopause. I talked on the last a couple episodes ago about this bread basket that I'm feeling on my waist and hormone stuff. I'm not going to go to a 28-year-old fitness freak in my family and asked them for advice about my stomach. They don't understand what I'm going through. And so I'm making this point because when it comes to people pleasing, and when it comes to putting yourself first, the way that you continue to create discipline is twofold. You have to get super intentional about seeking out more people in your life, either through mastermind groups or following people on social media or attending online classes or going to different events. You've got to find people who are up to what you're up to because they'll understand, they'll support you. And you have to stop seeking validation from the people that are already around you because that's not why you're doing this thing.

 

(38:37):

And here's one more thing I want to tell you. Why do you care what they think? You already said, you're independent. You already said you're putting yourself first. Why on earth would you seek validation or advice from somebody whose lives who you wouldn't trade lives with? Just stop asking people who are miserable or unqualified to validate your happiness, your life, your choices. You got to validate yourself by making decisions that work for you. 

(39:27):

Not only do they understand what it takes to make this change, but they also have the confidence in the track record and the experience to cheer you on. Well, we've covered a lot of ground and I think you're starting to realize, wow, this people pleasing thing isn't really about saying no. It's about about my ability to catch those moments where those uncomfortable feelings rise up and to tolerate them. It's about my ability to know that there are going to be times in my life where I'm going to be making decisions that people that I deeply love are going to be disappointed by. And I can make space for both. There are going to be times in my life where I'm pursuing a change in my lifestyle that nobody around me understands nobody else's pursuing. And I got to stop this default of seeking validation and advice from the people who don't understand what I'm doing.

 

(40:17):

And when you learn how to do that and start making decisions that really empower you in the long run, your life is going to change. It's going to be more meaningful. It's going to be richer, deeper. You're going to feel more agency and control in your life. And I know what you're thinking right now. I know. Here's what you're thinking, Mel. Dear God, do I want this? But if I'm the kind of person that has never, ever, ever put myself first, how the heck do I even know when to do it? And let me tell you something, first, you have to go back to the beginning and become self-aware, and you have to get deliberate about defining the person you are becoming. Let's hear this final question from a listener to this podcast named Nella.

 

Nella (41:11):

Hi, Mel. I am a big fan from Ireland. My name is Nella. I'm a singer songwriter, and something that I definitely struggle with is with masking and being afraid to show up as my true authentic self to all people at all times. Yeah, just any advice would be amazing on how to just get better doing that and have the confidence to just be my authentic true self all the time. That would be great. Thank you,

 

Mel Robbins (41:41):

Nella. Thank you first and foremost for your honesty. But I'm going to say something a little provocative. You kept saying the words true, authentic self, authentic self, authentic self. And I want you to stop and ask yourself, do you even know who you are? Do you know what it means when you say, I am my true authentic self? And the reason why I am asking you this question is because I don't think most people do. I think we want to be our authentic selves, of course. But what does that even mean? Listening to your question, it reminds me, when I was writing the High five Habit, there was a woman who wrote to me from Ireland, and I ended up getting on the phone and then on a Zoom call, and I spent a lot of time talking to her, and she is in the book, and I want to bring this up because I want to make a point about the pressure that we feel to conform.

 

(42:41):

So in this example of the woman from Ireland, she was writing about the fact that she wanted to get a divorce that is her true, authentic self. 

(43:50):

And I'm going to give you a really important exercise. I want you to just imagine that you are a screenwriter, that you are about to write a movie about the real. You write a character description and describe a day in the life of the real you. Remove the country you live in. Remove the religion you grew up with or you didn't remove the stories that you've been telling yourself or the pressure you feel or the disappointment or what other people think you should or shouldn't do. And write the story a day in the life of who you are at your core, when you would wake up, where you would live, where you would go, what kind of work you do, what kind of friends that you have, what are your habits? What do you love doing? Who are you laughing with? This is such an important exercise because again, remember I told you that people pleasing, it's a balance and it begins with you truly knowing yourself.

 

(44:56):

And if you don't really know who you are, because you've always been told who to be, and you've spent your life feeling like you do nothing but conforming, this is a really important step for you to take because people pleasing at its core is you believing the person that you are deep inside that it's not good enough, you're not good enough. And based on what we've talked about, you can start to change that. But you really have to go through the steps of getting curious about who you are for real. And if the idea of you having a conversation like I did with my dad, or you telling somebody that you're not coming over for dinner because you're tired, and that's the truth, or saying that, Nope, you can't borrow my pickup truck again. I don't lend it out anymore. 

(46:42):

But switching from feeling the pressure to say yes to putting yourself in a pause, that's what I want you to practice. Because if you can say, I'll get back to you. Let me think about it. You got time to settle those uncomfortable feelings. Because remember, it's not about the other person. It's about you not being able to tolerate that discomfort that rises up. And then you immediately make the discomfort going away by going, oh, okay, fine, I'll do it. No. Switch into pause, switch into pause, because in that pause you're going to find some peace in that pause is where you're going to find that balance. And I'm going to give you one more quick little example about how this works. 

(48:13):

And right above our head was this speaker that was like boom, boom, boom, boom, were, I mean, it was like zero to a thousand inside this place. I was not ready for this. I just wanted to get some protein in my stomach and get to bed. I had a speech to give and I was exhausted. So we're eating and we're kind of bopping and talking. And right when the steak comes, I hand her my credit card signaling, bring me the check right away. I'm part of the Clean Play club. I am done. I have finished in probably 11 seconds flat. Melinda, who was at the table with us, she has done too. I look over at Amy, she is eating in slow motion. She is enjoying every bite. I think she's engaged a mindfulness meditation with this steak and salad at this point. And as I assess what is left on her plate, I think this is going to fucking take her 20 minutes, eat.

 

(49:12):

It's nine 30 at night. I'm exhausted. This is the moment I'm talking about everybody. This is the balance because the wave of discomfort comes up in my body. I want to leave. I want to go to bed, and I don't want to be a douche. I mean here, one of my closest friends is sitting here enjoying a salad. We've been on the road together. I'm like a ride or die kind of person. What kind of a jerk leaves their female friend alone at a high top in a bar with a salad that has 85% to go in terms of completion just because they're tired?

 

(49:49):

I do. That's a joke. It's a balancing act. I said to myself, well, what's really going to serve me and what's really going to serve me? Because my number one job is to kill it in that speech tomorrow is to ask Amy if it would be okay for me to go upstairs and just go to bed. And I felt that discomfort because the old Mel would've been like, I would've just sat there because it would be rude to leave somebody. And oftentimes we don't even ask. We don't even ask. And Amy's sitting right over there. So Amy, I want you to get on the mic because I rode the balancing act. I used the tools and I turned to her because a lot of this is also about the context, and it's about how you say it. It's not what you're saying, it's how you say it. And so you don't have to be like, I'm leaving out of here bitches. That's not what I said. I just said aim. Would it be okay if I head upstairs and go to sleep? I'm exhausted. And Amy, what was your experience of this moment as I'm clean plating it, and you've got probably 20 minutes left.

 

Amy (50:55):

Yeah, I mean, you're a fast eater. So that was number one. And I felt like when you asked me and you said, you mind if I go upstairs? I felt like thank God, because I would not want her to sit and watch me and my llama eating habits super slow and just savoring every bite. I wouldn't want that to be the case. I want you to do you, and I want me to enjoy my salad and my steak.

 

Mel Robbins (51:22):

So when you noticed that my plate was clean and so was Melinda's, and you still had 20 minutes to go, what were you feeling?

 

Amy (51:30):

Well, I'm often in this situation. I felt like I know what's going to happen next. They're going to want to leave, and I'm happy to do that. I felt, felt really happy for you to get what you needed, and I needed to get what I needed.

 

Mel Robbins (51:44):

I wanted you to hear that. And this is why you often don't even ask. And Amy was relieved that I asked because you know what? She doesn't want to sit there and feel pressure. She wanted to enjoy her salad, and that's exactly what she did. Melinda and I went upstairs. She sat there for another 25 minutes bopping and weaving alone, having the best salad of her life without her annoying friends sitting there staring at her like she was some kind of a zoom animal. So we all won. Bottom line, people pleasing. It's not about the other people, it's about you. So notice when it comes up, notice that discomfort. Find the strength to say, no, I'm not going to sit here with this discomfort and do something that doesn't serve me. When you have the ability to recognize this and you have the ability to say, no, I'm not going to just fall into line, no means that you're in charge of your life.

(53:25):

So starting today, start saying no. Start tolerating the discomfort. Switch your yes to a pause and put yourself back in charge, your happiness, your life. It starts with you always, always, always, always. And I know you can do it, and I want you to do it, and you don't have to prove anything to me. You got to prove it to yourself. So today, when those uncomfortable emotions rise up and that balancing act, it is here, do it, do you and know that in case that person's disappointed. Remember your friend Mel Robbins. I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life for you. Now, go do it. I'll talk to you in a few days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.