Goal Setting Toolkit: Why Behavior Change Often Fails & How to Set the Right Goals for You

(14:16):

And third is about my mindset. I want to get back, this is a goal of mine to a consistent journaling practice every single morning, there are things that I do every single morning that have zero resistance. I don't even have to think about it. I roll out of bed when the alarm rings, no resistance, I high five the mirror every morning and set an intention. I have no resistance. I have a cup of coffee every morning, no resistance. I typically move my body most mornings, no resistance. But something that I really want to make a goal of mine is having a consistent journaling practice every single warning, that would be pretty cool for me. So I want you to now stop and think about you. What are goals that you have for the coming year that are going to require you to do something different in order to make this goal happen? Now, I want to stop for a second because I want to address something that you may be thinking right now because it's a question I'm seeing a lot.

 

Dave (15:24):

Hey, Mel, how do I set my goals if I can't determine what my goals are?

 

Mel Robbins (15:29):

I absolutely love this question. And by the way, it's super common to have no idea what you want. And I'm going to give you a number of research back strategies that you can use to kind of cut through the uncertainty or the overwhelm or the fog in your brain and identify at least one goal by the end of this podcast that is personal and motivating to you. But I also want to talk about something that gets in a lot of people's way other than just not being sure what your goal should be. And that's perfectionism. If you're the kind of person that is constantly aiming for these crazy high and unattainable goals, 

(16:32):

Perfectionism according to the research around goal setting looks a lot like this. You set goals, but then you give up before you start or you want to set goals, but you burn all your time just kind of analyzing and analyzing and analysis paralysis, or you also just avoid the situations where you feel like you're going to fail. So here's an example. You are really wanting to take your health seriously this year, and you set a goal of going to the gym every single day and exercising for two hours a day, and you literally fail before you even start because you're trying to get it perfect. And we're going to address that, don't you worry. So whether you're dealing with brain fog or you're dealing with perfectionism, this is super common to not really know what your goals are. So let's talk about the research, okay?

 

(17:24):

These are prompts that are going to help you to relax and to dream a little bit and to lean into goals that are really going to make a difference in your life. I want you to have goals. They really matter. So number one, it's really important that you make sure that your goals are really aligned with your dreams. And if you can't come up with any goals that really inspire you, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but I want to invite you to think even bigger. If you allow yourself to start dreaming again, then what you and I can do, if you can identify the dream is you and I can then use the research to scale that big awesome dream of yours back and turn it into small achievable goals. This is based in research. And so I invite you if you don't know what you want, allow yourself to dream big again, and then we'll get into the research about how to make that big dream a smaller goal.

 

(18:24):

Now, here's a second tip, and this one's a little morbid, but it tends to work. If you don't know where to start, think about the end, like the real end, your death. When you think about the fact that at some point this amazing thing called life comes to an end, what do you want to have achieved in your life? When you think about it in reverse, trust me, you're not going to wish that you spent more days at work. You're going to wish that you spent more time outside or more time with family. You're going to wish that you did pick up the guitar. You're going to wish that you did take on some of the goals that are buried deep within your heart. And so if you truly feel stuck, think about your own death. Research shows that it prompts you to get in touch with what matters to you.

 

(19:15):

Now, you could also, if that doesn't float your boat, you can also just get quiet. And this is based in powerful research. Basically, mindful individuals are way better at setting the right goals for themselves. And I personally believe that one of the reasons why is that when you have a mindfulness practice, whether it's a meditation practice or heck, just get out in the woods for a walk. Have you noticed that if you ever take a long walk on a beach that by the end of that 30 minute stroll you've worked out a lot of your problems in life because you've gotten quiet? If you get quiet, you can hear the most important sound in the world, and that's your own voice. And that matters when it comes to goal setting because the best goals are those goals that are personally relevant, meaningful, and enjoyable to you.

 

(20:07):

Now, researchers have a term for this. They call goals that are personal to you, self concordant goals or want to goals. This comes from researchers at Carlton University. I like to call these goals, personal goals. Getting in touch with yourself helps you set these kind of concordant goals. They are not goals that you feel pressure to do out of obligation. I think we've all taken on those goals, right? Where you're like, all right, everybody's getting in shape. Oh, everybody's doing whole 30. Oh, everybody's doing this. Guess I better do that too. Those kind of goals don't work because you're not interested in those goals. You want goals that are in touch with something personal to you. And here's another really interesting little hack that really works. You're going to use the third person. So using a third person perspective according to research at Cornell can help you identify and achieve personal goals better.

 

(21:15):

And so now I'm going to turn it back to you again, and I want you to use the third person research from Cornell. I'm going to use it first, and then I do want you to say your goals out loud. Okay? I've already shared my goals, but let's make these Cornell University style goals, okay? And let's do the third person, Mel would really love to spend more time gardening this year. It feels kind of funny when you say that. It's almost like it's happening now. You say it. What would you love to do? 

(22:27):

Go ahead. It's kind of weird, isn't it? When you use your own name? Look, it's okay if it's super general. Mine are really general. Did you notice that? My goals right now, they're just things I kind of want to do. I want to journal. I want to not drink for a couple months and I want to spend more time gardening. But by the time this episode is done, you and I are going to refine these general statements, these goals using research. And so let's dig into this exciting research that I promised to talk about from the University of Oregon. So here's the most important thing about goals, and I love this study because it boils goals down into two things that have to be present. If these two components of a goal are not present, you're not doing shit when it comes to this goal.

 

(23:16):

I have experienced this in my life. You have experienced this and I can't wait for you to hear this. So the two components to achieving any goal is that there must be what researchers call the will. And the way the will of any goal refers to the motivational and emotional aspects of the behavior change. In other words, the why, the will is the why of behavior change. So let me ask you a couple questions that researchers kind of unpacked in this study that are going to help you really clarify the why. When it comes to the goals that you're thinking about. As you and I are talking right now, why is the behavior change important to you?

 

(24:09):

Why do you want to change? Why now? And I'm going to go through these and I'm going to use one of my goals, gardening. Why is the behavior change important to you? Well, it's important to me this goal of spending more time this year gardening because I love gardening. And I've talked a lot on this podcast about how I am addicted to being busy and it causes a lot of stress. And when I'm out in the garden, it's super relaxing, it's really creative. I love growing flowers from seed. I love cutting flowers and bringing them in. The second question, why do you want to change? I want to change because I want to be present more in my life. I want to change because I want to get serious about having more fun and being more creative. And this third question, why now? Why is this a goal now in your life?

 

(25:09):

Well, for me, why now is because I just feel called to do it. I feel like if I'm ever going to break this addiction to being busy and I'm going to find more time to truly enjoy my life, I have to get serious about making that change now. Like why wait? And so I feel called to do it. So that's the first part, and I want you to ask those questions of yourself for any goal you want to set. Why is the behavior important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now? And if you don't have an answer to those questions, that goal that you're thinking about will not work because the will to do it, the motivation, the why, it's not going to be there because it's not personal to anything to you. Now, let's talk about the second component. The second component in this study from the University of Oregon is the way and the way refers to the cognitive and informational aspects of the behavior change.

 

(26:16):

I call this the how. The way is the how of behavior change. And so let me walk you through those questions. How is this behavior change going to unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for doing it? And for me, the behavior change that's going to unfold is I am going study how to create a cutting garden. I'm going to build my own little, what are they called? Like raised bed thingies that you kind of put the thingies in. I'm going to learn about cultivating flowers from seeds. What skills and capacities does it require? Well, a lot for me, 

(27:17):

What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for getting this done? I think you can see that if you don't identify the how that change ain't happening because willpower alone, motivational alone, it's not enough. You got to have according to the research, both the why and the how in order to be successful at changing behavior. And so the takeaway here based in science is that any goal requires two things. There must be a will and a way, a why and a how. And here's why. This is really interesting. Neuroscience has revealed that your brain system involved in those two sides of the behavior change are entirely different from one another. So for example, how you're going to make this goal a reality? That's all the brain circuits that are involved in executive functioning, including your prefrontal cortex among other areas of the brain.

 

(28:19):

The why on the other hand is the dopamine energetic, I can't even say it, that's why I can't say it's the dopamine reward system within the brain. That's the why. And you need both. You need to tackle the how, which is having the know-how, the skills, a plan, the push. And you also got to have the why. And the why is what comes into play when you know what to do, but you can't do it. It's how you hack the motivation. And what studies reveal is that this is hard because new behaviors, they're rarely as motivating. As much as we may love to make a plan and you may love to buy a new journal, or I used to love to buy a new planner. When you buy a new calendar for the new semester and it feels like the new you. I just loved the planning part.

 

(29:12):

Have you ever had that experience where you're all excited to go to the gym, you're all excited to try this new routine, you're all excited for this new habit and the day one that comes, huh? No motivation at all. I mean it makes sense because why would you want to try that new hit exercise when you know that watching Netflix something you do all the time is way more enjoyable? That's why having both is super important. You cannot just have the why you want to do it with no plan. That doesn't work. And you also can't have a plan and have no reason why you want to get it done. And when you really stop and think about your goals this way, having a why and a how, it's what's going to get you excited. And if you're somebody that continues to make goals, but you constantly give up on them, I'm going to tell you something right now.

 

(30:08):

Those goals are not linked to something that you value to a core belief. And the second that you make that link and you make these goals personal, holy cow, you will be unstoppable. So we've covered the two components of goals based on the research at University of Oregon. I've asked you to walk through the questions of the why and how about the goals that you're starting to set. And I want to say something right now. If you're starting to feel like the things you wrote down in the beginning are not the goals that you want, that's great. You may change things up completely from the beginning of this episode, the middle of the episode and the end of the episode. That's the point of this. Listening to research is not going to change your life. Applying the research will. So please, as you are gaining insight and as you're taking these tools that I'm sharing with you and you're applying them to the way that you're thinking about your own goals for the next year, please allow yourself to change.

(32:06):

I want to go for three months and not drink. So here's the example where I've failed in the past. In the past I have had lots of pressure around me at the turn of the year to not drink. There's that thing called dry January. And a lot of people that I love have participated in it and people around me have been doing it. I didn't feel called to do it. I just had a huge sense of FOMO that I was going to miss out on something if I didn't jump in with everybody else. And so I felt pressure to jump in and have it be a goal that I would do dry January. And here's what's interesting about when you feel pressured to make a goal. When you feel pressured to do something, there is an inner rebel inside of you that suddenly shows up and pushes back.

 

(32:55):

And sure enough, the last couple years that I've been like, yeah, okay, I'll do dry January with you guys. The second that I committed to it out of pressure, the rebel in me was like, Nope. And I lasted two or three days and then I started being sneaky and lying about it. And here's the deal, the why wasn't present. This is so important and this year is different. This year is different because this year one of my goals is not to participate in dry January, but my goal is to not drink for several months. And there's a reason why. The reason why is I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish. And even just having a beer at night to pull the lever that work is over and you can relax now, it's making me too tired at night and it's impacting my sleep.

 

(33:47):

And here's my why. I want to see what will happen. This is like an experiment to my focus, to my downtime, to the brain fog, to the symptoms of menopause that I'm experiencing if I just remove alcohol, not during the week, but I just remove it completely for a couple of months. And so my why is that I want to be present and more focused for the next couple months. And I feel as though if I removed alcohol, it would have a major impact. And there's more I want to get done. And that's why it feels different this time because I'm not setting this goal because I feel pressured to, I'm setting this goal because I want to. So taking that research in mind and that mistake that everybody makes, what's your why for real? What is the goal that you want to do? Because identifying that is going to make all the difference in the world.

 

(34:48):

Now let's talk about mistake number two. I see this all the time in my opinion. This is not based on a study, but in my opinion, this is the mistake that everybody makes the most. You ready for it? You're setting too many goals. Stop doing that. Okay, stop committing to dry January whole 30 learning Spanish, changing your job, painting the back bedroom, volunteering twice a week and being a nicer person all in the same month. Stop. Okay? Mistake number two. Taking on too many things based on the research means you get nothing done. That's why we are going to focus on just one to three goals at a time. That is it. Okay, that's it. Don't give me the, but I think I could. But what about habits? No one to three goals. And in fact, I'd be thrilled if you came out of this episode and you just had one goal that you had defined and refined based on the research and that you were excited about, wouldn't that be empowering?

 

(36:14):

Of course it would. So let's move on to mistake number three. When you define the goal, you're missing the sweet spot based on research. You see there is this sweet spot with goal setting and goal achievement between it being way too easy and it being way too hard. It's sort of like Goldilocks and the three beers, right? One was too little one's too big one's just right there is a just right sweet spot when it comes to goal setting. And most people, in addition to setting too many goals, most people go way too big. Do not make your goal way too big. You see, that's what a dream is. Your dreams are big, your goals have to be small. Your dreams have no timeline. They're aspirational. Your goals must be specific and they must be on a timeline and they must be definable. They got to be tiny.

 

(37:21):

See, you want something that you know can achieve. This comes from research at Florida State University, okay? So anything that's too big as a dream, we're talking about goal setting. This also is grounded in research from the famous habit research that BJ Fog has done at Stanford. You have to have it be something you know can achieve. But let's go back to the sweet spot. So I know that I could, I achieve journaling one day, but that's not really a sweet spot, is it? I'm not that inspired doing that one day. The sweet spot means it's achievable, but it still has to be kind of ambitious because remember the definition of a goal, it's got to be something that's going to require you to do something. There's going to be resistance there. And this is really important because you're going to have a greater level of motivation and satisfaction if the goal still has a little bit of ambition to it.

 

(38:23):

And that comes from research at uc, Riverside. And there's one more reason why you can't set a goal that's too big. If you make it too big, it's going to be harder to achieve it. And when you set a goal that's too high and you miss that goal, it hurts your self-esteem and you start to give up on goal setting. That seems kind of obvious. It's research from a university in Germany. And by the way, we will link to all of this in the show notes so you can dig into this research too. But the bottom line here is it's a mistake to go way too high. It's a mistake to go way too low. You got to hit the sweet spot. So let me go back to the example of my goal to not drink for a couple months. I'm going to refine my goal because a couple months, that's kind of vague, isn't it?

 

(39:14):

Right? I don't really have a definition for that. A year, way too big a year feels like something like a punishment right now for me. I don't want to do that. My husband does not drink at all. He loves not drinking. I don't want to go an entire year. That's not what my goal is right now. My goal is to not drink for several months and learn something about myself. And if I decide to keep going, that's great. I could commit to dry January. But you know what? That feels too little. It feels like something everybody's doing. It feels like something I've tried in the past and I didn't really into it. I want to do something that feels a little bit bigger but achievable. And so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to say that I am not going to drink for 75 days, 75 days.

(41:26):

When will I know if I've succeeded at spending more time in my garden? This is an interesting question because when I ask myself this question about succeeding, I realize that it's not really about spending more time gardening. My goal is more about learning how to grow a specific type of flower called Adalia. I first discovered them last year. I am in love with dahlias. They are so gorgeous and they're kind of complicated. You got to dig them up where we live and storm 'em inside over the winter you can grow them. I mean, it's like a whole thing. There's almost like a cult of people that love dahlias. And so I'm stepping into this and I realized that my goal is really to grow my first ever dahlias from seed. And I know I will have succeeded when I'm able to cut my first bouquet of dahlias and they're in a vase next to my sink.

 

(42:33):

And finally, mistake number five. I'm so excited to share this one with you. This was new to me. I discovered this researching this show. 

(43:29):

That feels achievable. That feels like I can do it. It's still a lot, but I can do it. Or how about this one with flowering, when I see anywhere from one to 10 flowers blooming in my garden, dahlias blooming, I should say, I will have succeeded at my goal and drinking. I'm not going to budge on it in terms of 75 days, but I can say I'm not going to have had a drink in 75 out of 90 days. I want you to try this research. It's pretty cool because even just saying it, it makes it feel more achievable. So now it's your turn. Let's use this research from Florida State and turn your goal into a high low range goal. Pretty cool, huh? I know, I know. I'm feeling all excited about my goals, growing my dahlias, journaling. My journaling, not drinking. This is going to be awesome.

 

(44:34):

Now I know what you're thinking. Okay, got it. Mel, how do I get started? How do I achieve this? Okay, this has been fun, girl. But this is a lot like buying a brand new planner for the new school year. So now what do I do? Okay, well, 

(45:46):

Okay? So you know how you go to a coffee shop and they have these offers where if you buy 10 cups of coffee, you get the next coffee free. Here's a little trick that's pretty interesting that uses this effect, this illusion. So they gave one group of people a card that was buy 10 cups of coffee, get one free card, but it was blank. They gave another group of people a buy 12 cups of coffee and then you get a free card. But two of the slots were already checked off. Progress had already been made. It's still the same thing. You're still having to do 10, but guess what? The folks that were given the card with two slots already filled in, they moved through that card faster by checking the boxes twice. Listening to this podcast check, you're no longer at square one. You've defined your goals.

 

(46:57):

I can tell you some other things you want to do the smallest step possible. Chris gave me a book about dahlias, this flowers that I love for the holidays. Check I'm in box two. If you can take the smallest step today, can you do a Google search? Could you spend a little time journaling? What's something that you could do? You can't think of something. No problem. I've got something based on the research you could do. Step number two, check box number two, tell someone you admire about this goal. This debunks decades old research from 2009 from researchers at Yale that said that you shouldn't tell anybody about your goals, but here's the hook you need to tell somebody you admire. You got to tell the right people about your goals. This comes from a set of new studies from Ohio State researchers found that you show greater goal, commitment and performance when you tell your goal to someone you admire or whose opinion you value.

 

(47:57):

And these results run counter to this widely reported 2009 study from NYU that suggested that telling other people your goal is actually counterproductive. And so here's what you can do. Just tell somebody you admire. Here's how I'm doing it. I'm sharing these goals with you, and I'm going to go share these goals with my family and I'm going to share these goals with my friends. I'm going to talk to the woman that I met this summer that is growing dahlias and learn from her. That's another step. This is like us checking off the boxes on that free coffee card and getting you to start seeing yourself making progress. And the final thing, the second that this episode is over, do a tiny thing one step forward. This comes from a recent study at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine that showed that starting right away resulted in the most change. Do not wait for Monday. Do not wait for the weekend. Do not wait until later. The most important thing you could do, that little box you're going to check is when this podcast is over. Spend five minutes taking a step.

 

(49:11):

Now I get to talk about the most life-changing part of all of this. You ready? The whole reason why goal setting is important is because it creates meaning and purpose in your life. And that's the most important part. Your goals are not really meant to be achieved. The most important part is that you're pursuing something. That's why goals matter so much. I mean, remember the research we talked about in the very beginning? Those goals that you've defined and refined based on the research, having them taking little steps toward them, it's going to make you happier. It will suppress negative emotions. It makes you feel like you're up to something and your life is going to be way more satisfying having those one, two, or three goals that you're working on than having no goals at all. And there's a reason why I'm going to hammer this idea of pursuing the goal.

 

(50:16):

Okay? First of all, I don't want you to try to get this perfect. I just want you to try. And the second reason why is that when you achieve a goal, the irony is it's not as satisfying as you think it's going to be.

(51:21):

Is because when you have goals, you're up to something, you're committing to your own growth and you're getting intentional about things that are relevant and important that you want to see yourself doing. And we have a tendency to overestimate how happy we're going to be when we achieve the goal. And there's even a name for it. That's how common this is. It's called the arrival fallacy. It's this fallacy that once you lose the weight, once you get the job, once you find the romance, once you reach the destination that then I'll be in Nirvana, then I'll be happy then No Tal Ben Shara, the Harvard trained positivity psychology expert. He has debunked this thing and study after study after study. And all you have to do is look at the number of Olympians or movie stars that we think have achieved at all that then are just plummeting and struggling with mental health illnesses after their greatest achievements.

 

(52:21):

And we're like, how could they possibly, do they have gold medals? They have millions of dollars? Well, because they're not working toward anything that matters. It was working toward the gold medal working to make that movie. Going to auditions and pushing through the failure and having this goal that you set for yourself, working on it is what gives your life meaning. And that's why I wanted to start this series of life-changing episodes of the Mel Robbins Podcast, the foundational stuff about how you create a better life with goal setting. 

(53:15):

If you've got somebody like I do who's a college senior, and as they approach graduation and they start to feel like they're about to have a quarter life crisis and they're lost what they need, they need goals. If you have a friend going through divorce, you know what they need. They need goals. If you're bored in life or feeling stuck or you're got to hit the reinvention button, you know what you need. You need goals. And you can re-listen to this every single corner at any moment in your life and walk yourself through this very simple but powerful and life-changing research to get very clear about what you want and why you want it and how you're going to go achieve it. Now, speaking about the how, you want to know how habits are, how you achieve goals, systems are how you make it easier.

 

(54:08):

And so coming up next in this life-changing series, we're going to do a one-on-one on habits, what the science says about habits, the three components that make a new habit in code and stick in your brain. And we're also going to give you the research backed shortcuts that you can use to make new habits stick and to make that change and the new habits that are going to help you achieve your goals easier to implement in your life coming next. But for now, I want you to remember the definition of the goal. A goal is anything that you desire that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. And what I want you to do next is I want you to take one step forward on that goal of yours. In fact, one step you could do, share this episode with somebody you admire, somebody that is supportive, somebody who you want to have help you achieve your goals.

 

(55:08):

And tell them, you just listened to this episode and you used everything that you learned to create these goals and ask for their support and tell them to email you back once they listen to this episode with what their goals are. That's how we're going to do this. We're going to do this together. Yes, you can change in secret. Yes, you can change on your own. But let me tell you something, it is way more fun and it's way easier when we do this thing together. I cannot wait to hear what your goals are and to support you as you start taking little actions every day to achieve them. Because that's the thing about goals. So when you set a goal, you're defining who you want to become. When you make it a habit, it's these things are what you do, and ultimately it becomes who you are as a person.

 

(56:01):

That's why this stuff matters. This is how you change your life. You change it by getting clear about what you want and why you want it. And then you get serious about inching forward every single day. So it's no longer something you're writing down on a piece of paper. It's actually the person that you see every single day staring back at you in the mirror because it's become who you are. And on that note, I just want to say I am so excited for this series. I'm so excited that you're here, and in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to tell you, I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to not only write down these goals and define them, but to achieve them too. And that's why I'm here. I'll see you in a couple days. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.