A Process for Finding Purpose: Do THIS to Build the Life You Want

Mel Robbins (00:00:24):

I am just blown away.

 

Jay Shetty (00:00:27):

You can hate where you're at and still gain all the skills you need for your future. That mindset shift is how do I turn a place of misery and pain and potentially suffering into a place that becomes the launchpad of my life? This is the place where I take off from when you are feeling stuck, you might not be able to change what's around you, so change how you view it. There is no rose in the world that grows the day you plant the seed. It takes months, sometimes even years for a tree to have a beautiful fruit or a beautiful flower. If you are feeling like you're caught in a spiral of the same thing after the same thing. Life is trying to teach you something. Go to the school of life,

 

Mel Robbins (00:01:15):

Jay. I think when things feel dark, the job in life is to glow. And you've definitely taught me how to do that. So before we get into this episode, the team here at the Mel Robbins podcast shared some data with me. I love my data and research. 57% of you who watch the Mel Robbins podcast here on YouTube are not subscribed to this channel. And here's the deal. I would love to get that down to 50% subscribers by the end of the year. So if you're enjoying the show and you love the guests that we have on like the one we're going to have on today, just tap the subscribe button. It's free. It's the best way for you to support the show and to support me. And I promise that I will keep making this show better for you every single week because my team and I we're listening to your feedback.

 

(00:02:02):

We are bringing you the guests that you want to hear from. We're covering the topics that matter most to you, so we're going to continue to show up for you. Thanks in advance for hitting and subscribe and showing up for me. Alright, you ready? Let's dive in to today's episode. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I am absolutely thrilled that you are here. The conversation today is going to be extraordinary. It's always such an honor to spend time with you, to be together with you. And if you're a brand new listener, I also want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I'm thrilled that you're here and I'm thrilled that you hit play on this particular episode because it's going to be extraordinary. It's going to be exactly what you need to hear. And because you hit play on this episode, I already know something about you.

 

(00:02:48):

I know that you're someone who values your time because you're making time to listen to a conversation that will give you greater clarity, purpose, and direction. I also suspect that you're looking for some answers for a way to make sense of what's going on in your life and for guidance on how to move forward. If someone sent you this episode, I want to take a moment and point something out that's really important. You have people in your life who love you and they want you to experience this conversation because they are certain that what you're about to hear will change your life. It'll open you up to bigger possibilities, and I want you to really listen today and take in everything that you're about to learn because if you do, time will slow down. Your heart will soften, your guard will drop, your mind will expand, and you will know with every cell of your being that what you're hearing today is meant just for you because it is.

 

(00:03:58):

Jay Shetty is a person who is so hard to define because the impact that he has on people's lives transcends a label and it is truly global. I consider Jay to be one of my closest friends, especially in this business to the world. He's known as the host of one of the most successful and award-winning podcasts on the planet. I'm talking about on purpose with Jay Shetty. He is also the number one New York Times bestselling author of two books, think Like A Monk and Eight Rules of Love, which have been translated into over 47 languages. Jay is also the chief purpose officer for Calm, the wildly, wildly popular meditation app. He is a former monk who has reinvented himself over and over again, and his work and his life are going to help you find greater purpose and meaning yours. Please help me welcome the remarkable Jay Shetty to the Mel Robbins podcast. 

Jay Shetty (00:05:11):

Mel, you're the best. And seeing your entire team and your beautiful studio space, I mean, it's incredible when you get to see your friend's place of genius and I feel so lucky to be able to walk into it today. And it truly is infused with all your energy. So it's so beautiful to be here, and I'm so grateful to be on your incredible podcast, the way you've been serving and showing up for people and truly putting your heart there. And I want people to know, not just in the last 24 months for decades of just showing up for people privately, personally, publicly, it's incredible to watch and I'm grateful to be your friend. So thank you.

 

Mel Robbins (00:05:49):

Oh Jay, you're going to make me cry.

 

Jay Shetty (00:05:50):

Thank you.

 

Mel Robbins (00:05:52):

Oh, okay. I got to pull myself together. I would love to start by having you speak directly to the person who is with us right now. How might they feel different if they take everything to heart that you're about to share with us today? Wisdom that you've learned, lessons that you want to share, mistakes that you've made, what could change about their life?

 

Jay Shetty (00:06:14):

I believe if someone really listens today and then reflects and then applies what we share, I believe their mind will become their best friend, not their worst enemy. I believe that time will feel like it's full of possibilities, not just full of pressure, which is what we so often feel with time. And I really believe that their life will feel clear and less foggy and less undecided, and they'll actually know their next move, their next step. Maybe not the whole picture, maybe not this big idea of the future that we all seem to overwhelm ourselves with, but they'll know their next step, their next move, and they'll feel confident and secure that it's the right step. So I'd say that's what they'll get from listening today and reflecting in the playing,

 

Mel Robbins (00:07:10):

I couldn't help but notice that you said listen and reflect, and then at the end you said reflecting. Why is that so important to not just listen and then do, but to actually take that moment and reflect?

 

Jay Shetty (00:07:25):

Well, here's the interesting thing, Mel. I think what we don't realize is that there's actually five steps from listening to change.

 

(00:07:34):

What? Yeah, there's five in between, but they're very simple. And if we actually follow them, we're guaranteed success. So the first is learn. The fact that people are listening to us today, the fact that people follow you, they read your books, they may listen to mine, they get the opportunity to learn, but what's the difference? We know lots of people that learn but never get to change their life. So what's going wrong? What's the missing part after learning, we have to experiment. You've got to try this out. You may try it out tomorrow and it may not work. You may try it out on Wednesday and it'll work perfectly. You may try out in a week and then there'll be a little dip. So experiment with it. Don't feel like it's going to be perfect tomorrow. Play with it, have fun with it. And then the third step is perform.

 

(00:08:15):

Once you've experimented, you get into a groove, you start to feel it working, you start to notice it in your body. Your mindset feels different when you wake up in the morning. Now you don't have to do all the conscious stuff anymore. It's kind of unconscious. And then finally, there'll always be struggle just before you're about to unlock this new level of greatness. And then finally, there's thrive. So to me, that reflection process is those three steps in between of experimenting, performing and struggling. It's the ability to try something out, then reflect back and go, wait, how could I have done that 1% different? How could I have done that 2% different? What do I need to shift? And as soon as you start doing that, you start enjoying reflection. So reflection's not just in the mind, it's something you're practicing, it's something you're experimenting with.

 

Mel Robbins (00:09:03):

I've never heard anybody explain it that way.

 

Jay Shetty (00:09:05):

I love that.

 

Mel Robbins (00:09:06):

Well, it makes so much sense because you're right. I think you can hear an idea and you can try it once, and then if it doesn't feel the way you want it to feel, most people stop.

 

Jay Shetty (00:09:15):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:09:15):

And I've never thought about the fact that if you don't actually know that trying something and then reflecting on what worked, what didn't work, tweaking it, experimenting as you said, you're always going to stop.

 

Jay Shetty (00:09:27):

Absolutely. Absolutely. And by the way, isn't it just the case, Mel, that even something that you've done for years, you still need to keep experimenting with it. So just because something worked last year doesn't mean it's going to work this year. You've got to keep that process going and that's what makes it fun and alive and it doesn't become routine and monotonous. And so I love reflection being in action.

 

Mel Robbins (00:09:50):

Jay, so many people look to you because you have written just incredible blockbuster books. You have millions and millions of followers. Your podcast is a podcast I listen to your podcast is the podcast that inspired me to get into the podcasting space. No, you're going to

 

Jay Shetty (00:10:09):

Make me

 

Mel Robbins (00:10:10):

Cry. And so no, I'm serious. And so I think there are times in your life and you've certainly felt this way where you're really lost and unhappy and you feel stuck. And I know you've been there. 

Jay Shetty (00:10:46):

I love what you asked there because you said, how would you like someone to think about that moment? What I'd like people to remember is that you're not stuck. You're actually grieving a past version of yourself. So there's a part of you that's died that actually you left behind a long time ago, but there's a part of you that still misses it. You still want things to be the same. You still want things to be that way and that keeps pulling you back and that's actually blocking you from making the next move. It's stopping you because life used to be this way or life used to feel this way. And so we're stuck not because we dunno what to do next. We're stuck because there's a part of us that wants to hold onto what we have here. There's a beautiful zen teaching that says what's holding you back is what you're holding onto. And I think if people think about that for a second, what are you holding onto that's holding you back? What are you clinging onto that's keeping you stuck? There's an identity, an idea, a mindset, a behavior, an attitude that is keeping you held back. And once you let go of that, once you open and release your hands, all of a sudden you feel free. So what identity, what habit, what mindset, what expectation are you letting yourself be held back by that if you were to let go of you could easily move forward?

 

Mel Robbins (00:12:08):

Can you give an example? Yes. You know what I'm saying? Because I think I understand what you're saying. Yes. I'm trying to think about a scenario where let's say somebody is at a moment in their life where there's a change. You have gone through a breakup, or maybe you've raised your kids and they've launched and now you're trying to figure out your next chapter. Maybe you just lost your job and now you're like, oh my God, what do I do? What are the kinds of things that people hold onto that you may not realize? This is what you're actually holding onto.

 

Jay Shetty (00:12:41):

Yes. So all three examples you gave apply. If you've raised your kids and they've left the house, there's a part of you that misses what the home felt like with their energy.

 

(00:12:51):

And now you spend all your day thinking about all the memories in the corners. You look in this corner and you remember your child growing up. You look in this corner and you remember Christmas dinner, you look at this place. So you are constantly surrounding yourself with an identity that no longer exists, so you don't have the time or the energy or the presence to be able to even think about what comes next because there's a part of you that still feels affected. If you go through a relationship breakup, you keep looking at pictures of when you went on vacation, you keep looking at the pictures of when you had your first date. You keep looking at the memories of, maybe it's a piece of clothing, maybe it's an item at home, whatever you're surrounded by. So you're still living as if you're still dating that person in your mind. And so that's all holding onto something that is an identity that's already moved on in life. Your kids have already moved on, they're at college or they're getting engaged. Your ex has already moved on, they're in a new relationship or they're alone. So reality has moved on, but you've held on to the piece of clothing, the memory, the photo, the whatever it may be, and that's keeping you stuck. So my question to everyone is what is that thing for you

Mel Robbins (00:14:27):

That is so important because so many people stay where they are because they don't know where they want to go next. And I always say, well, actually, if you can be honest with yourself and say, I just don't like how my life feels anymore, you're already moving in a new direction, moving away from what's not working. I have one more example to give you because what you just said was brilliant. You have this ability, Jay, to just take wisdom, philosophy, psychology and make it so immensely obvious that I both feel inspired and sort of like an idiot that I didn't see it myself and I'm, but no, I have one more example to give you about this feeling of being stuck because there are so many people that have artistry inside themselves, whether it's wanting to start a YouTube channel or it's wanting to become a singer, or it's wanting to express themselves on social media, or it's wanting to learn how to market themselves better on social media. And yet there is so much resistance to putting yourself out there. And so in this paradigm where we're talking about holding on to something and grieving who you used to be, if somebody is actively fighting against their deep internal desire to start putting themselves out there in a new chapter, whether it's marketing a business or starting a YouTube channel or performing and singing on whatever it may be, what is it that you're holding onto?

 

Jay Shetty (00:16:04):

It's the identity and the reputation that that identity is built.

 

Mel Robbins (00:16:09):

Okay, say more about that.

 

Jay Shetty (00:16:10):

Yeah, so it's saying, well, I'm a teacher. I can't be a social media creator. I'm a teacher. That's what my friends know me as. That's not what my students know me as. That's what my parents know me as. That's what my kids know me as. How can I be a teacher and be a social media creator? It's not possible. Oh, I'm a nurse. How can I be a nurse and a podcaster? That can't be the case. What do I have to offer? I'm a nurse, and by the way, that's what everyone in my social circle knows me as. So now if I record a podcast, they're going to look at me and think, wait, what does she have to say? What are you going to teach the world? Oh, I'm a mom. I can't be a mom and own a TikTok shop. I don't know how to do that. I didn't go to business school. So this is what we do. And the real reason is because our social circle has validated or at least approved that current position.

 

(00:17:03):

Everyone in our social circle knows what that means. They recognize it and they understand it. As soon as we do something that people don't understand, we're scared that they're not going to like us. And as soon as we think they're not going to like us for doing something they don't understand, we leave behind what we love because we say, well, I can't do it. If they're going to misunderstand me, I can't do it if they're going to dislike me. I have so many friends right now, Mel, honestly, that are scared to put out a video because they feel the pressure from their own friends. People are not feeling pressure from the world. People are usually not worried about the comments that will come many years into being a creator. It's the people around us that we're most worried about. And so the only way we let go of that is recognizing and building this identity and insight that I can be a teacher and a creator. I can be a nurse and a podcaster. I can be a mom and own an online business. I can be two things at once and I don't need anyone else's permission. And by the way, when I pull it off, even then they won't understand. So it was never about them understanding. It was always about me focusing on what I love.

 

Mel Robbins (00:18:12):

I know that I've had so many career changes. I sometimes feel like I'm a cover band for abba doing costume changes. It's not a resume. It's like a choose your own adventure. But you have had so many twists and turns and your career, you literally went from university to a massive consulting job to pursuing spiritual training as a monk, to then deciding, having an epiphany. And at every one of those moments, there was that pressure that you are talking about where you have to make a call that who you are and how you're living your life no longer feels right. But you have always made the turn.

 

(00:18:55):

And so can you just quickly tell us a few of those moments so that the person listening understands that at any single moment, you are literally one decision away from turning your life in a different direction. And talk a little bit about what holds you back when that resistance shows up like, well, I can't leave a consulting job.

 

Jay Shetty (00:19:18):

Thank you for saying that. And the idea is everyone needs to become a professional quitter, right? It's like we need to get really good at quitting. And as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking back to, I remember when I decided to become a monk, pretty much no one around me understood why. I remember when I decided to leave the monastery, pretty much everyone around me didn't understand why. When I decided to get a job in consulting after being a monk, people were like, why? When I decided to leave my successful consulting job to try and make videos online, people were like, why are you doing that? Then when those videos became successful and I decided to launch a podcast, I had three podcast production companies tell me, Jay, people like listening to you for four minutes. No one wants to listen to you for an hour.

 

(00:20:13):

Don't launch a podcast. So we launched a podcast anyway, and thanks to the millions of people that listened to you, that listened to us, that know us, that became a success. So I always listened to people, not the executives in the room. Then I wanted to launch a book. Mel and I went to launch a book, and 14 out of 17 imprints told me, don't call it think like a monk, because no one wants to think like a monk. Five years later, the book sold millions of copies. Again, thanks to those people, not the people in the room. Why am I sharing all of that? Because I didn't know what the future held. It's not that I had a really clear view of exactly where I was going or that when I left the monastery, I knew I'd be here today or that when we launched a podcast, I knew I'd be here.

 

(00:20:56):

And I want to get that thought out of people's heads that if I don't have the full life mapped out and planned out, that I can't take the first step because I don't think I've ever known where my life's going. And so this whole idea that you have to have everything figured out before you take your first step is the biggest lie we've been told this idea that if you don't have a clear vision, you dunno where you're going. It's the biggest lie we've been told. How could anyone possibly have every step mapped out? Tell me one person that we know in the world, anyone you look up to that could tell you they meticulously knew every single step. They didn't, but they took that first step. And I think that's what's holding us back, is this idea that I have to know everything before I do one thing.

 

Mel Robbins (00:21:38):

What is the one thing though? Because I think that's the thing that's confounding until you actually figure out the riddle in life, right? It's sort of like you can't explain to somebody what it feels like to be married until you've done it. You can't explain to somebody how shockingly simple things can be until you've learned how to push through your own resistance to the things that you're interested in and curious about experimenting with or trying. And so for somebody that's never even considered a possibility for themselves beyond consulting or beyond where they're at right now or beyond the major that they had or beyond the city that they live in, what is that first step? And is there a way if you're not even in touch with what it feels like to be pulled towards something new, to identify it in yourself? Because I think that's one of the things that you do for people. You help people see a bigger possibility for themselves. And it took me a long time to go from simply surviving and trying to pay bills and get through the day to understanding that there's a different way to wake up and be tapped into the signals and the energetic things that pull you in different directions. Because I think that's what you're talking about when you say all you need to do is take one step.

 

Jay Shetty (00:23:03):

Yes. The step, I'd say in the most practical way to make it really, really simple for people and get away from any philosophical idea is it's actually not about falling in love with something new or finding something else. It's about extracting and learning every possible thing from where you are right now, whatever job you're in. But I don't want to do that, Jay, because I hate where I'm at. But that is the thing. But that is the thing. You can hate where you're at and still gain all the skills you need for your future. When I was a consultant, I knew I did not want to be a consultant for the rest of my life, but I learned so many incredible skills from consulting that are so useful today, whether it's a negotiation, whether it's communication, whether it's presentation, whether it's connecting with clients, whatever it may be, there are so many skills. If you are working in a school, I promise you there are so many skills in that school that are available that if you start learning, all of a sudden that place you hate becomes a place that becomes a stepping stone for your next step.

 

Mel Robbins (00:24:05):

So is there a mindset shift from, I hate this dread. There have been times in my life where I literally, you're heading to work, you're just like, I do not want to walk through the door and actually have to be there today. So is there a mindset shift that you would advise us to just hold onto because it shifts the experience of being where you are? What is that mindset shift?

 

Jay Shetty (00:24:34):

If you are going to spend eight to nine hours, maybe more at work every day, it's not great to walk in and think that for nine hours a day. Your mind is programming your thoughts to say, I hate being here. I don't want to be here. I can't wait to get out because you've wasted nine hours of your day that could be used in building the next thing. So the mindset shift is, I do hate being here. I'm going to accept that. I'm going to acknowledge that I'm not going to lie to myself, but I'm going to take everything I possibly can from this opportunity because it is a part of my story, and it is such a powerful part of my story because this only makes the story better. I'm going to learn from a place that I hate and I'm going to learn everything I possibly can.

 

(00:25:19):

And so that mindset shift is how do I turn and transform a place of misery and pain and potentially suffering into a place that becomes the launchpad of my life? And all of a sudden now you're walking into work thinking, oh, this is a launchpad. Oh, wait a minute. This is a step. This is the place where I take off from rather than, oh, this is a place that's keeping me in prison. And I think that's the switch that people need to make because if you're always looking for it outside of work, you're only giving yourself two hours in the evening, maybe an hour if you're lucky, after you've done the chores, put the kids to bed, wash the dishes. So why not use those eight to nine hours to build skills, to build confidence, to build security that you have available to you?

 

Mel Robbins (00:26:02):

Well, you know what else I hear? I hear trust.

 

Jay Shetty (00:26:04):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:26:05):

Because I think a lot of times, at least me personally, when I felt very stuck, there was this intense feeling like I was in the wrong place, which then creates resistance. And what you just did is by saying, if I'm going to spend eight hours here, then I'm going to get everything I can out of it because I trust that by doing that, I'll actually find the next thing.

 

Jay Shetty (00:26:29):

There's a beautiful book which talks about how really we find our purpose through sampling. And when I think of the word sampling, the way I describe it as is collecting and connecting. You are collecting stories, experiences, skills and ideas in every job you work in. And one day after collecting for many, many years, you will connect the dots of all of those different skills of all of those different experiences, and that's when everything falls into place. But if you don't collect in the first place, there's nothing to connect. It's not about finding and discovering something. It's collecting along the way. You're collecting little jigsaw pieces and then one day you spread them out and you put them down and you start putting the pieces out and they all fit, and you go, oh my gosh, I can't believe they connected. When I look back in my life, and I think I'm as much a consultant as I am a monk, as I am a media person, all of those things are really valuable parts of me. And it goes back to the point I was making earlier. I can't be a nurse and a content creator. I can't be this and that. Well, you can because that is your superpower. Your superpower is that you did what you did in the past and what you do now.

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:41):

And by the way, you already are those things.

 

Jay Shetty (00:27:42):

You already are those things whether you like it or not.

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:44):

And maybe that's the whole point that you already are those things, which is why you feel haunted when you are in a chapter in your life that is over and it's time for you to move toward the next thing that's already a part of you. The reason why you know it's already a part of you is because you actually feel pulled to make YouTube videos or pulled to go back to graduate school or pulled to be in a different relationship.

 

Jay Shetty (00:28:11):

I think this all goes back to college. What do you mean at school in the sense that we were all forced to think you had to pick one thing

 

(00:28:18):

Your whole life. You were trained to say, I've got to pick one thing that I've got to do for the rest of my life. That's how you were trained. So when you were young, you start narrowing down your subjects. You get to college, you pick a major, you focus in on one thing, and you think you have to do that for the rest of your life. And then you start doing it for three years, and then three years into a new job, you go, I don't want to do this anymore. This isn't what it was meant to be. But your whole life, you were told you could only be one thing. You had to pick one thing to focus on. So that's why we're so obsessed with this idea that my title should have to be one thing. I should be able to say, I'm a lawyer, I'm an accountant, I'm a doctor, I'm a nurse, I'm a teacher, I'm a mom, whatever it is, but I can't be three things. That's complicated. But we've been forced to believe that you are that title. You are a manager or by the way, senior manager, and you feel better about it or executive, and you made to feel better about it, but you're only allowed to be that. You can't then be anything else. And so I love it when I see people in their Instagram bios and people are like, I'm a mom first, but I'm an executive second. I'm a this. I love it that people are playing with that idea because that's the permission we need.

Jay Shetty (00:29:30):

Passion is what brings you life. It's what brings you joy. It's what makes you feel like you are doing something exciting and exhilarating and thrilling. So for me, it's studying and learning and synthesizing. I could spend a weekend in a cave of books and never get out and make notes and study. That's one of my greatest passions in life. Your purpose is when you use your passion in the service of others. If your passion doesn't have a service element, if you don't use it to improve people's lives, if you don't use it to inform other people, if you don't use it to make a difference in someone's life, it's not a purpose. So let me give an example. If you are a photographer and your favorite passion in the world is photography, you love finding unique locations. You love capturing human emotion. You love capturing memories for people. As soon as you start doing it for others, it's a purpose. There you have it. It's that simple. It's not like you have to go on a whole charity trail and start taking pictures and giving them out for free. When you start capturing moments and you do it with that intent, it's a service. There's a beautiful study that I love from Amy Nuki and her team at the Yale School of Management. So they went out in 2019 to research what they believed was the most difficult job in America. Any guesses, Mel,

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:53):

Psychologically or physically? Well, they just went out to

 

Jay Shetty (00:30:57):

Think what was the

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:57):

Most difficult job? Well, I think probably teacher,

 

Jay Shetty (00:30:59):

Yeah, that was up there,

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:01):

Or public servant, I don't know.

 

Jay Shetty (00:31:02):

All up there. The one that they decided on was hospital cleaner because they believe that these people not only have to wash bedsheets, pillows, floors, toilets, plates, they have to wash up after people pass away.

 

(00:31:15):

So it was a very heavy job. And also you just finished cleaning a toilet. You leave and now you've got to run in and clean it again. It's not as simple as, Hey, we did that once and it doesn't happen anymore. So they went and interviewed these hospital cleaners and they asked them what they did, and the hospital cleaners said, we believe we're low skilled labor. In their own words, we wash toilets, plates, floors. They carried on, and they found this whole group of hospital cleaners who didn't call themselves cleaners. They called themselves healers and carers. These healers worked the exact same hours as the cleaners. They worked the same shifts, they worked the same hospitals. They got paid the same amount, but they were happier, more purposeful, and more productive. So they asked them, why do you call yourself healers? They said, and this blew my mind. Every time I think about this, it really makes me emotional because it's so powerful. They said, we believe that a clean hospital is integral to the healing journey of a patient.

 

(00:32:19):

We think that when the hospital is clean, people have more dignity at a time of difficulty. We believe that when the hospital is clean, that people's families will spend more time with them. They'll actually surround their, it feels like a clean atmosphere in their time of need. They said, we believe that a clean hospital is part of healing, so how could we see ourselves as anything else? What I love about that, Mel, is that Amy Vka and her team came up with the term called job crafting, which means it's not what you do every day, it's how you feel about what you do every day. That changes the experience of it. It's not just what you do. It's not even why you do it. It's how you feel about it. How do you feel about what you do? They all felt that what they did was critical to healing and it transformed their experience. And there's this beautiful quote from Wayne Dyer that I loved where he said, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change, and I really believe that that's what we're all being called to do right now. When you are feeling stuck, you might not be able to change what's around you. So change how you view it, change how you look at it, because all of a sudden, everything starts to change in your favor.

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:39):

That is the single best definition, a purpose I've ever heard, and it's accessible. And I want to make sure that as you're listening to Jay and you're spending time together with us, that you really take away that definition because it's even when you're stuck or even when you've just got a lot going on, it's very easy to identify the little things in your life that energize you. Whether it's books like Jay or for me, I love gardening and flowers, and I love cooking. I love spending time with my family. I love making people smile. That brings me energy, right? I love being outside. I love learning. And so when you take those things that naturally bring you energy and you do a little bit more of it, it lifts you up. But then when you figure out ways to extend those things that bring you energy in service of others, now you're on the track of discovering why you're here in the first place and aligning your life with purpose. And so in that beautiful example you just gave and thinking about it energizes people to be part of something where you're caring for people

 

Jay Shetty (00:34:50):

Even in the hardest job in the world. That's why I use that example

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:53):

Because

 

Jay Shetty (00:34:54):

Those individuals may not even be passionate about cleaning, but they've found a way to think about it differently. That's why it touches my heart so much because it's in such a difficult space and environment. And to your point, Mel, what you were just saying, I was talking to one of my team about this, and she was talking to me about how her mom didn't really know what her purpose was. So I asked her, what's her passion? And she said her favorite thing is to organize family trips. And so now her mom has started organizing family trips for not only her family, but the friends of her family and couples. And so she's a retired mom at this point in her life, but she loves planning trips. She lives vicariously through all of her kids and their friends and grandkids and whoever else it is. And that's what she does know.

 

(00:35:42):

That's a purpose. Your purpose doesn't need to be this big thing that you have to go and change a million people's lives or a billion people's lives. If you can do that, that's beautiful. But that's not what a purpose is. A purpose is not defined by scale. It's not defined by the amount of people you reach. It's not defined by doing something big. Your purpose doesn't have to be your job. It doesn't have to be something you dream of doing every day. Your purpose is simply using your passion in the service of others in the smallest of ways, in the simplest of ways. And it brings you so much joy. And by the way, it also gives you validation for something beautiful that you do. We all want validation. We all seek it. And I want to just normalize that because I think people feel bad for wanting it, but we all need to feel wanted and needed and loved. It's part of being human. But the problem is when you become someone you don't want to be or do something you don't want to do to get validation. Whereas when you get validated for using your passion and the service of others, there's no greater feeling than that.

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:43):

I want to give an example because I feel like one of the mistakes that I made for a long time when it came to discovering my purpose is that I thought it was one thing and it's actually everything.

 

Jay Shetty (00:36:57):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:57):

And so when we moved to Southern Vermont, and I remember feeling very stuck and in a new chapter and isolated and needing to meet all new friends and build community that I learned of this flower farmer and her flowers were, it was near the end of the summer and into fall, and frost was coming, and it's dahlias, and you need to dig them up. I know I'm getting really geeky on flowers. And the frost was starting to hit and it was an entire field, and they were all going to die. And I felt this ache because flowers bring me energy. I dunno why I tracked down the person who was growing the flowers and found out that they had had a health issue. And so I organized a bunch of women that I had recently met to help this person dig up the tubers. That is an example that has nothing to do with career. It has nothing to do with my life's mission and all the things I do for work. It is a small example of how I took something that energized me and use that energy that's authentic to me in service of someone else. And that small example is an example of how you can infuse a sense of purpose in your day-to-day life in really small but deeply meaningful, important ways.

 

Jay Shetty (00:38:26):

Yes, yes. I love that. And it's so true. I'm thinking about Radhi. When Radhi first moved with me to America, she couldn't work here because she was on a spouse until we all got all that sorted out. And Radhi wasn't always the writer of a New York Times bestselling cookbook. That's a very recent iteration of her life.

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:46):

Well, when we became friends, Jay. So you and I have been friends for a long time and we are extremely supportive and fond of one another. Our spouses know each other. But when I first met you and Roddy, she had not launched this part of her life.

 

Jay Shetty (00:39:02):

Absolutely. No social media,

 

Mel Robbins (00:39:04):

Nothing

 

Jay Shetty (00:39:04):

No content. Yeah, exactly. Obviously we remember her like that.

 

(00:39:08):

She isn't like that to the world now. But I remember when we moved to, Lara would just be really sad when we'd be driving around and see the homeless situation. And she always loved cooking. She was always a fan of cooking. Since I've known her, she's been an amazing cook. She would literally just cook and deliver meals. She'd get involved in food distribution programs in the area. She'd go and find out and talk to communities of how she could help before she made any content. She was just out there doing that, and that's what built her confidence in being able to do it and being able to deliver. And then even when someone said to her, Hey, would you cater? She said, I don't want to do it as catering. She loves cooking as an act of love. As an

 

(00:39:47):

Act of service. If you come over, she'd want to cook for you because you're a friend. That's what she enjoys. She wants to cook for people in need. That's what she gets passion from. She doesn't actually want to be said, Hey, can you make 20 meals of this? That's not actually what brings her joy. And so you can see how your purpose doesn't have to be your job. Your purpose doesn't have to be big. Your purpose doesn't have to get you followers. Your purpose doesn't need to have social media. It doesn't need to have any of those things. And actually, if you start without all of those things, you'll build more confidence, more self-worth and more joy that then if you want to do any of those things, they'll happen naturally. They'll come as a byproduct of that infectious energy you feel and that I've seen radhi feel.

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:31):

Well, I want to come back to two themes and highlight it. One of the things that you said is it's not about imagining the thing out there. It's about really stopping and listening and reflecting on what Jay is sharing with you about the fact that there's something that's already bringing you energy, that when you do it, it just brings something out in you.

 

(00:40:54):

And then finding ways to do it in service of others. So if you take the example of your wife, she's focused on cooking as an act of love. It's always been a creative expression. It naturally energizes her. And so she used that to lift herself up in a new chapter of her life. She found a way to be of service. And the amazing thing about life is that when you align yourself with the things that naturally energize you and you, let's come to a second thing we've talked about, Jake, trust that where you are is somehow in service of where you're meant to go. Follow the energy and follow how you serve others in sharing that energy. And that is how you actually start walking in the path that is meant for you. And I just want to point out that not only is she a New York Times bestselling cookbook author, but the name of the cookbook is Joy Full as an FULL, you're full of her fabulous vegan cooking. And so she didn't start cooking and serving people in LA because she's like, I'm going to write a cookbook one of these days.

 

Jay Shetty (00:42:13):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:13):

She did it to lift herself up at a moment in her life where she was stuck and where she was moving to a new place. And so it's so important to understand it's not the thing that you're imagining. It's the energy in you, and it's the ability to shift your mindset and trust that if you leverage that positive energy in service of others, it always, always, always points you where you're meant to go.

 

Jay Shetty (00:42:40):

Yes. And people will say to us, but I don't know what I like. I don't know what gives me energy. I hear that a lot today.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:48):

You do?

 

Jay Shetty (00:42:48):

Yeah. Where it's like people are just like, I dunno what gives me energy anymore. I'm kind of numb to it. And I think the point is not to find this big bright light of energy from something. It's this small, tiny voice. It's been ignored for so long that the way it shows up within us isn't always this big loud scream. It's this quiet little whisper that just says, try this. Give it a go. It's not this big calling. I think we think about callings and what we want to do is this big bright light of information and a signs. Signs are small, they're whispers, they're quiet. And I think if we just lean into that, it may just be the little voice in your head that says you love organizing birthdays. Why don't you just organize a couple more birthday parties this year? Oh, you are really good at event planning. Why don't you help your friend with their wedding? Oh, you know what? You are really, really good at writing. Why don't you just write a quote every day? Right? It's that little voice. So just follow the whisper.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:49):

Do you think that your life, if you look backwards, also provides answers for what energizes you? Because I think it's a very important point to validate that we are at a moment in time where the research bears out that over 80% of us are living in a state of chronic stress. The feeling of being numb is very, very common right now, and probably a sign that you're actually mentally well because there's so much chaos and overwhelm and stuff. But so validating that, and even if somebody turns inward and doesn't quite feel it, are there other things that someone can do that you would recommend to help access that? If you're just at a point where you're just, I'm so spent, I don't even know myself anymore.

 

Jay Shetty (00:44:34):

Yes, I promise you, and I really mean this, and I want everyone to really internalize this as I say it. You are already successful at something. It's just so easy to you that you don't think of it as success. There's something that comes effortlessly to you. Maybe you graduate college with flying colors. Maybe you take care of your kids in the best way possible. Maybe you're just incredible as showing up for your work colleagues. You already are extremely successful at something, but because it's easy for you and natural for you, you don't think it's a skill. So look back at your life and look back at all the things that you've done beautifully. You showed up for your friends at college. You helped your colleagues through a tough time. You've already been doing that. You just don't know what that looks like because you think that's what a good person does.

 

(00:45:25):

And it is what a good person does. But on top of that, it is value that you've been adding all along the way. Looked at the clues, look at the footprints, look at the steps behind, and don't take the for granted. Most likely the things that you don't value because they're simple to you are the things that the world is looking for. Rather, cooking skill is something that comes really naturally to her. She's worked on it, but it's natural. She didn't value it. She didn't realize what a superpower it was.

 

Mel Robbins (00:45:53):

So Jay, for the person who's listening, who's now scanning their life and thinking about what they're good at, and they're coming up with nothing, what is your

 

Jay Shetty (00:46:05):

Advice? Here's my number one piece of advice. Pick three people from your past. It could be a work colleague, a family member, and a friend. These are people that know you deeply that you would say, know me really, really well. Not don't go and do this with anyone else. Do this with people that know you really well and just ask them, what's something that I do that you always think of me when you're struggling with something? Ask them, what's something that I've done in the past for you or for anyone around us that made you go, wow, that's really cool, that's amazing. And then sit down and ask them when you're struggling with something, what do I help you do? What do I help you solve? All of a sudden, you get all this input from the people that know you the best because they see in you what you don't see in yourself. We have to remember that the people that know you and the people that love you, they see in you what you don't see in yourself, what you undervalue is what they deeply value. What you take for granted is what they see as greatness. What you kind of think is normal and average, they adore about you, but you've got to let them tell you that. You've got to let them remind you of that because otherwise you'll keep devaluing yourself.

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:21):

What's interesting is that I remember this was like two years before I started the podcast. I would literally listen, I still listen to your podcast, Jay and watch your videos and find so much inspiration from you. I didn't realize I kind of did that with you because I was very stuck. I had reached a point where I was so tired of being on planes and doing the motivational speaking at corporate events, even though I loved it. And I so wanted to get into the podcasting space. And I always know when I want something, because unlike you, who is a very loving and positive person, my signs show up as jealousy. I don't have the monk version. I have the Mel Robbins version of inspiration. It's sort of in that agitation. And so you have this incredible podcast, and I literally felt so jealous and excited for you, but jealous because she's doing it.

 

(00:48:24):

That means I can't do it. And it's already done. And since he's already doing, he does such a great job with on purpose and the most perfect name, and you kind of see it in somebody else. And you literally said to me, Mel, you know what you should be doing? What are you going to launch a podcast? You would destroy it. And so you reflected to me the thing that you saw as the next thing that made the most sense. And so I love that advice because the people who do know you well can see the things that you don't see in yourself or see the possibilities that you are actively holding yourself back from. Yeah. One of the things that you've said that I also love is you said weak people focus on others weaknesses. Strong people focus on their strengths. Can you unpack that?

 

Jay Shetty (00:49:21):

Yeah. It actually perfectly fits with what you just said. So weak people notice other people's mistakes and laugh. Strong people notice other people's mistakes and learn weak people talk about other people's problems to feel better. Strong people talk about other people's problems to become better, weak people gossip about others to build fake connections. Strong people express vulnerability to build real ones. And this one's the kicker that you were just talking about. Weak people envy people ahead of them. Strong people study people ahead of them. And the interesting thing is both people are looking at the same thing, but they're seeing different things because no one is a weak or strong person. It's just what you focus on. And that's what I want people to realize. There's a switch. The switch for envy is study. If you jealous of someone, if you're envious of someone, study them.

 

(00:50:29):

And I know we've had so many conversations where we've both taught each other so much stuff. You've always been so kind to share so many insights and lessons. I know I've done the same with you. That's what we do. We study each other, and all of a sudden that envy turns into appreciation, admiration, just complete awe because you're like, now I know what it takes. I remember when I used to see Christiano Ronaldo, who I'm a huge fan of, and I've been a fan of him ever since he was 17 years old. And so I must've been like 14 or something like that when I started following him. This is 20 years ago. Now you're talking about more than that. And you look at him and you think, oh my God, look how he looks. Look how he plays everything else. The moment you start studying his routine, you realize what it actually takes. Someone can sit there and envy and jealous, be jealous of his life, which is natural, by the way. And I don't want to make that seem like a bad thing, but you turn jealousy into study, you turn envy into study, and all of a sudden it's your best friend. Envy can be your best friend if you just replace it for study. A

 

Mel Robbins (00:51:36):

Hundred percent. I love that. And that's exactly what I did. The thing that's interesting is that the reason why I wanted to highlight that jealousy can be a useful tool, jealousy for me is very different than envy. Because when I would look at you, I would never envy you. You don't deserve that. Jealousy for me is this deep stirring because it's impossible to be jealous of something that's not meant for you.

 

Jay Shetty (00:52:04):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:52:04):

And so I've never been jealous of anybody who drives a Lamborghini. I've never been jealous of anybody that lives in a penthouse apartment. You know what I'm saying? I don't want those things.

 

Jay Shetty (00:52:15):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:52:15):

But there was something about the way that you took something that energizes you learning

 

(00:52:20):

Connection, purpose, and you created a business that was in service to others around the things that energize you. And that's what was, I think, ultimately the thing that was stirring something in me. And that's a super, super useful tool. But the other thing I wanted to validate is that the second I said, I'm going to walk toward this thing, I'm going to figure this out. I spent two years studying you talking to you and that piece of allowing yourself, and it goes back to what you said about the experiment, learn, reflect. And part of reflecting is experiment with something. I was a student for two years. There's a reason why we came out of the gate and launched two episodes a week. It's because I learned from you that if you do want to have a successful show, you have to do at least that many episodes. And so the learning part and the studying others and allowing others to lead the way and to show you and truly flip envy into learning from somebody that is worth a hundred million dollars in your life to understand that everybody that is out in the world right now is somebody that you can learn from. It's just unbelievable. And so thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing that. And there's another quote that you have that I absolutely love, Jay. We judge others by their actions, but ourselves, by our intentions. What does that mean?

 

Jay Shetty (00:53:57):

This is something that actually my monk teachers used to repeat to us a lot, and it's a reality check that's a bit of a punch in the gut. So we judge ourselves by our intentions, and we judge other people by their actions. So if we feel our intention was good, we feel we're good people, but if someone has a bad action, we feel they're bad people. Whereas what we should be doing is allowing other people to be judged also for their intentions and their actions. So it's a plea, a proposal, a pledge to say, before you judge someone, before you put someone in a box, please learn what their intention was. Because often you'll find that their intention probably wasn't as malicious as you think. It wasn't as manipulative as you think. It wasn't as crazy as you think it was the same as yours. They too had good intentions. They also got into it with good intentions. But we judge ourselves by our intentions. So we think we're good people and we judge other people by their actions. And so we think they're bad people. If I made a mistake and you judge me for my action, all of a sudden you've labeled me. But my intention was so pure and so genuine. I'll give you an example of something that happened recently to me that I feel really, really applies to this.

 

(00:55:23):

And I was doing something with a friend and we did a podcast together and I was traveling on the road or whatever and I didn't post something about it and my friend messaged me and was just feeling really upset that I hadn't supported them, that I hadn't noticed them, that I hadn't recognized them, and now we're really good friends. So they were able to vocalize it to me, but if we weren't, they would've immediately judged and thought that I had some ulterior motive or some agenda. And the truth is I'm so disconnected from my social media in the sense that I don't post, I'm not there. I'm on the road. I try and stay off my phone for most of the day, and all of a sudden I was thinking, wait a minute, if they judge me for my action, it looks like I don't care about them. It looks like I don't value them. It looks like this isn't important to me. But my intention was, I love you. You're one of my favorite people. I'm here to help you in whatever way possible. And I just think about the amount of friendships we'd save, the amount of relationships we'd save if we just learned to judge people for their intentions, not their actions.

Jay Shetty (00:57:16):

Dunno if you've heard of it. It's called the let them theory. Sorry, I had to, I was waiting for you, which is really good. There's let them and then let me in it and it works perfectly, which I genuinely believe it's amazing. But to answer your question, I'll be honest with you. When it's people that I know, I tell them I really believe it's important to tell people I check in with them. I ask them, because if I know you, our relationship, if our relationship means I can't ask you the question, then it's a weak relationship. If I ask you the question and we have a great conversation now, our relationship is strengthened by it. We actually got closer. A hard conversation should make you closer to the person. A hard conversation should not make you further away from them.

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:07):

Say that again, Jay.

 

Jay Shetty (00:58:09):

If you love someone and they say they love you, a hard conversation should bring you closer together. A hard conversation should not push you away from each other. If you are scared to have a hard conversation with someone you love, that means you're not that close

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:27):

Dude. I think those are the hardest people to talk to though.

 

Jay Shetty (00:58:29):

But that should be the easiest person to talk to because you should be able to have a safe space to raise it. And so if I'm close to someone, if it was me and you, I would call you up and I actually trust we'd have a great conversation because of it. I know that. I actually believe that if we ever had anything like that, which we haven't and I would call you, but what I find is if you can't call the person, I would just think about, this is the second part of that statement. My Hmong teachers would always say, instead of judging people by their actions, judge them by their intentions and judge yourself by your actions, not your intentions. Oh, think about all the stupid things you've said you've done and got wrong. And all of a sudden you start to recognize, wait a minute, if someone judged me for that, I'd feel pretty bad about it. That doesn't define me. That's not who I am. And all of a sudden when you have that reflection, it flips the entire statement. Wait a minute, that can't be who I am. And that's not who they are.

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:31):

Amazing. Here's another thing that you said recently, Jay, that I love Someone out there would love to live your worst day. What does that mean?

 

Jay Shetty (00:59:44):

We're really quick to forget that the day we're living today is a day we dreamed of 10 years ago. Maybe not in a complete picture. Maybe you have the family you always wished for. Maybe you're on the career path that you've worked really hard for. Maybe you are sitting in the home that you couldn't even have imagined living in, but there's a part of your life that is exactly the life that you wanted. Not all of it, but there's a part of it. And when you forget that you lose out on recognizing you are already living in the dream and that you already have the power to create that future dream because you've already done it once. So you have to remember that where you are today is what you wanted yesterday and what you want today you can create tomorrow because you've already done it once, but we forget it so quickly. I have to remind myself all the time, Mel, I was driving to one of my friend's homes the other day,

 

(01:00:52):

And this is a friend that I used to grow up watching on television, watching their movies, listening to their music, and they've become one of my closest friends in life and I had to pinch myself. Now we've been friends for seven years. I had to pinch myself to be like, do I know what I'm doing? I have to go back to being at the beginning of that journey because otherwise you can take anything for granted. It's like you get to the top of a mountain after a long hike and you look at a view. You can get really familiar and bored of that view really, really quick

 

(01:01:27):

Unless you recognize the challenge it took the steps you took, the person you saw on the way up. You have to sit there and remember all of that. But the memory does this weird thing where it just forgets it. As soon as you achieve something, you forget how you dreamt of achieving it. As soon as you get somewhere, you forget how once upon a time you couldn't even imagine getting there. Where you are today is what you wanted yesterday. And don't forget how you got there because that's the hidden secret of how you get to the next place.