If You Struggle With Stress & Anxiety, This Will Change Your Life

Mel Robbins (00:00:44):

Hey it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so excited that you're here and first of all, it is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you. I am so excited about today's conversation because I know that by the time we are done today, you're going to just feel more peaceful. You're going to feel more in control, and I so want that for you. And I also want to take a moment to welcome you. If you're brand new, this is the first time that you've listened to an episode. Welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family. The fact that you've hit play on this episode tells me something important about you. It tells me that you're the kind of person that truly values your time, that you're making time to listen to something that can help you improve your life, that can help you feel better.

 

(00:01:31):

And today's conversation is absolutely going to do that. And we're going to talk about stress and we're going to talk about ways that you can lower your stress. But I want to put this inside a much bigger context for you because this episode happens to be releasing on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day here in the United States. And a couple weeks ago, I had the extraordinary honor of sitting down with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's son and his daughter-in-law. They have a brand new podcast called My Legacy. It was an extraordinary experience. And during that wide ranging conversation, which I can't wait for you to listen to, we covered so many topics. We of course talked about the Let Them Theory, and I've been talking a lot about the Let Them Theory, which is a simple mindset tool that helps you identify in a moment what's in your control and what's not in your control.

 

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And there was something that Martin Luther King III said to me on his podcast, my Legacy that I wanted to share with you because I think it sets up the conversation that we're about to have in a much more powerful and profound way in terms of what's available to you based on what you're going to learn today. And here's what he said as we were talking about this issue of recognizing when something is out of your control and that true power lies in your response, and we're going to really focus on that today. But I want you to hear these words from Martin Luther King iii as he was reflecting on the power of the Let Them theory. He said, Mel, when you say Let them, this is a truth that defined my father's leadership that true power lies in our response. My father believed that nonviolence was not passive, but it was the most courageous form of action, choosing peace.

 

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When hatred tries to provoke by refusing to react with bitterness, we reclaim our power and shape a better future. I just love that he went on to say, let them doesn't mean you're giving away control. It means you're reclaiming it By choosing how we respond, not by feeding into anger, hatred, or negativity, we exercise the ultimate power over ourselves as both my father, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's legacy says, and his father Daddy King and their vision of nonviolent action, daddy King once said, Mel, in the face of unimaginable loss, I refuse to let hatred reduce me. And when you recognize the strength that you hold in your response, you realize that you hold the power and that you can transform your family, your community, in even the world. And today, we are going to be talking about the fact that true power lies in your response.

 

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And if you are feeling stressed out or overwhelmed by the world around you that today you're going to get this deep sense of validation that you're not alone, that there are forces outside of you right now. And in fact, you're going to learn about three things that are causing probably the most amount of stress for you or for the people that you love. Because these are the three things that our expert today, Dr. Aditi Kar, based on her research is saying, are things that are out of your control and they create an extraordinary amount of stress for you. When you hear these things, you're going to feel validated. And more importantly, we're then going to talk about how your power is not in those things out there. It's actually in your response to them. That's what the conversation is about, and you're going to absolutely love it.

 

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So let me tell you a little bit about Dr. Aditi. Dr. Aditi is a Harvard medical doctor. She's a researcher, she's a bestselling author. She's a world renowned expert in stress and in public health. She is a lecturer at Harvard Medical School. She's also a mother and she's married and she's busy just like you, and she understands the pressure that you're in. She was the medical director of Harvard Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital's Integrative medical program. What does that mean? That means she ran the largest stress management clinic, seeing patients every day and teaching them all of these integrative approaches, these evidence-based approaches that helped her patients feel better. And today, that's what she's going to do for you. She's going to help you feel more peaceful. She's going to help you get your power back. She's going to help you focus not on all the things out there, but on the power in here and the power of your response.

 

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And today specifically, she's going to highlight three key struggles that she sees in her patients every single day. She's going to validate how you are feeling and more importantly, she's going to give you your power back because you do have the power to change your response to the forces outside of you. And today, you're going to learn how. So without further ado, you and I are going to go to our Boston studios where Dr. Aditi Kar and I are going to have this extraordinary conversation with you. Let's do it. Dr. Aditi Kar, I am so excited to see you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming back to this

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:07:22):

Is incredible and being here again today. It's beyond my wildest dreams, hopes, expectations, and aspirations.

 

Mel Robbins (00:07:32):

Well, I got a high bar for you, so I don't want to freak you out, but my expectations are very high because the last time you and I had a conversation, you changed the way that I think about stress and it has had a huge impact. And if you're listening to this episode, and this is the first episode that you've ever heard, don't worry. I will summarize it real quick for you and I want to try to summarize it. And if I get something wrong, Dr. Adida, I want you to fill in the gaps. But basically, I always used to think about stress as just this feeling, this kind of overwhelming thing that just interfered with my life. I'm stressed out, I'm frustrated, I'm stressed, I'm this, I'm that. But I actually never understood what it was. And it wasn't until you said Mel, medically and physiologically speaking, stress is when your prefrontal cortex or thinking brain turns off and this little second almond shaped thing in the middle of your mind turns on and all of a sudden your brain is now in a response mode that has hijacked your ability to be calm and to think.

 

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And the problem for I think it was 70% of people, at least in the United States, is that we are living in a chronic state of the stress mode of your brain always being on. How'd I do?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:09:08):

I mean, couldn't have said it better myself. Truly. That's exactly right. And a recent study found that yes, like you said, 70% of people are struggling with stress in the us. A study in the UK found that over 90% of people are experiencing burnout. So just think about that. If you are feeling a sense of stress or burnout, you are not alone. It is not your fault. Just look at the data anywhere you are. When you are in a room of 30 people and you think, oh, I'm probably the only one who's feeling this way. The data says otherwise,

 

Mel Robbins (00:09:43):

21 of the 30 people are feeling that way. That's crazy. And that's one of the reasons why I love the way that you're going to teach us about stress today is because it's one of those things that's humming along in the background. And if you understand, this is actually a physiological and neurological state. It's not just the feeling in your body, but you have the ability to reset it. And most people don't realize that you're actually struggling with something that's very common, that is the cause of the stress. And there are things that you can do about it once you actually understand what the hidden cause is. And the first one is a term that I had never heard of. Can you explain what the first one is?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:10:27):

So the first thing that we're going to talk about is this idea of horizon lessness. It is a term coined by journalists Kayana Moga. I first heard about it during the pandemic when writer Nina St. Pierre interviewed me for an ill magazine feature on horizon and this uptick of people who are feeling like they don't really have many options and they're not very excited for the future. So when they think about their own future, they draw a blank. And that is very problematic because in the science, we know that when you anticipate a future that is potentially hopeful, it is beneficial for your brain. It's also beneficial for stress, mental health and wellbeing overall. In one study, they looked at brain scans, so MRIs of people who were anticipating a future and found that that sense of anticipation acts on an area called the median prefrontal cortex.

 

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And it's correlated with wellbeing. And now when you ask around and say, what are you looking forward to back in maybe 2018, you may have said, oh, I'm looking forward to getting married or having a child. I'm looking forward to graduation or getting this new job, maybe buying a car, taking this trip or setting up a garden. I mean, there's so many things that people used to look forward to and now it's like we just draw a blank. I felt that certainly that sense of horizon you probably have as well, because it is how our brains are working right now. It's really a telltale sign of this post covid era and this new mindset that we're in.

 

Mel Robbins (00:12:09):

How common of an experience is this

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:12:11):

Experiences? We don't have enough data in terms of studies to look at what is horizon, how do you define it? And we do need more research, but the reason that many of us are feeling the sense of this blank sensation when we think about or anticipate the future is because your brain is built like a dam. So under normal circumstances, let's say you're going through an acute stress, you shore up your internal reserves and you keep it together at all costs. So let's think back to 2020 when we were all in lockdown and we were told, okay, you're going to be in lockdown for three weeks, four weeks tops...

Mel Robbins (00:12:57):

So is that what you mean by dam? It's like the wall goes up in your mind.

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:13:00):

Yeah, the wall is up. So I've noticed this many times when I was seeing patients, my patients who had a cancer diagnosis, they would get a diagnosis of cancer and they would come to see me concurrently while they were seeing their oncologist, the radiation specialist, and lots of other people. And they wouldn't shed a tear. Their doctors would refer them to me and I would say, are you feeling a sense of stress? Are you feeling a sense of burnout? Do you want to talk about anything? No, I'm fine. I'm good. I can handle it. I'm managing a sense of stoicism.

 

(00:13:32):

They got that clean bill of health. Congratulations, cancer-free. See you in six months for surveillance. They were in my office the next day crying saying, I should be having a party. I should be celebrating. Why do I feel like this right now? And the reason you feel like that is because when you are going through a period of acute stress, you keep it together, you hold it together, all of those emotions, those difficult feelings, you keep them pent up. When you feel psychologically safe. Let's say you get a diagnosis that congratulations, your cancer is cured, or you move through an acute stress and you come out the other end and you feel that sense of psychological safety, which is what many of us are feeling now, by the way,

 

Mel Robbins (00:14:17):

What do you mean? Wait? Are we feeling the hopelessness or are we feeling the psychological safety?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:14:20):

So we're feeling a sense of both. So for example, let's continue with the example of this. A patient who has cancer and is given that clean bill of health,

 

Mel Robbins (00:14:32):

Okay,

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:14:34):

You come into my office and the dam breaks, you're psychologically safe. And so you allow that opening and a release and it's often a deluge. And the only way around is through. And so when I say psychological safety, yes, you are feeling psychologically safe enough to allow those true emotions to emerge. The dam has broken. Now, for many of us right now, we have lived through that pandemic era. We have come out the other side and we are squarely in the post pandemic era. And so the sense of horizon that you feel is associated with that damn breaking because all of those emotions that you have kept pent up, whether you are psychologically aware of it or not, are now coming to the surface. So it's important to understand that if you are feeling a sense of horizon, you are not alone. Or if you feel like, wow, I feel worse now than I did in 2020, the whole world is telling you that, oh, we've moved on, get over it. And yet you don't feel that way. You're not engaging in the same way perhaps with holidays or a change of seasons, right? I'm over it. It's because of the dam. And the dam has broken within you. And so when I say psychological safety, it sounds like a positive thing and it certainly is because you finally feel psychologically safe for those true emotions to emerge. Those true emotions could be horizon. Okay,

 

Mel Robbins (00:16:03):

I really want to try to understand this because when you said the word horizon, I immediately had that image of standing on a beach. This is what came to my mind and looking out at the ocean or Lake Michigan, which is where I grew up, and all you see is a blank horizon, nothingness beyond the edge of the ocean. And to me that sounds like a lack of direction. And then I immediately think about our oldest daughter when she came back from this backpacking trip that she had planned for and saved for eight years, and then all of a sudden gets home and has no job and is like, oh my gosh, now what? Or I think about friends that are going through a divorce or they have a major job change or they get a diagnosis and they look out on the horizon and they don't have a sense of direction. That's what I thought this was. But it sounds like that's only a part of it, that a big piece of horizon is this inability to feel excited about your future because of the amount of stress that has been building up. Am I processing this correctly?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:17:19):

Yes. And it's almost like you don't even see a future. So it's less about being confused or I'm not sure what I'm doing. That's that acute stress response. You're living in the moment,

 

(00:17:31):

But it's almost like, eh, it's that meh feeling and that is what a lot of people are feeling. It's that feeling of not really being excited. Or the opposite of that is being really angry or frustrated about, oh, I want this for my future, but I'm not able to achieve it. These are all healthy emotions because there's a charge to it, right? Whether it be a positive charge or a negative charge. But lessness is almost a lack of emotion. It's kind of just like whatever. I'm not really working towards anything because there's really nothing worth working towards.

 

Mel Robbins (00:18:10):

Well, what's interesting is if I think about the thing that I've learned from you about stress is that medically speaking, if you're in this kind of stress response where you're on edge and your amygdala is turned on, if I recall, you can't leverage the part of the brain that helps you plan and think ahead and get excited about things. Is that part of the reason why this horizon is so common right now because people have been so fricking stressed out that they can't even turn on the part of the brain that helps them get excited and plan and look to the future?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:18:51):

That's right. That's exactly right. So biologically, you have been living in amygdala mode and you are thinking purely about survival and self-preservation in the immediate in now the prefrontal cortex, that part of the brain that we were talking about earlier, anticipation, forward thinking, strategic planning, the prefrontal cortex is what governs that. So when you have that sense of anticipating the future in studies, the brain scans have shown that your median prefrontal cortex lights up because you're starting to think about a future forward Momentum is what has created the human species and has really propelled the human species forward, right? This forward momentum is an incredibly important part of evolution. And so when you don't feel that sense of forward momentum in your life, you use words like feeling stuck.

 

Mel Robbins (00:19:44):

So I want to try to really land the plane because I feel like this could be a huge aha as you're listening to Dr. Kar, either for you or for somebody that you care about. Because I think when somebody gets into a state where in your language medically speaking, your brain is locked in a stress response, which is why you're so overwhelmed and blah and stuck and lacking of energy, and you're bringing in this term, this horizon, it's easy to blame it on, I'm stuck, I'm depressed, I'm this, I'm that. And you're actually saying, wait a minute before you start to label it, these big things really take a look at the fact that this is a hidden cause of chronic stress, and this is also the result of you holding so much in and managing so much uncertainty and then the damn fricking breaks and you don't have the capacity in your brain to be able to look ahead and get excited about anything.

 

(00:20:45):

I can think of dozens of people in my life, I can think of periods in my life where I've felt this way, and what do you do? Could you talk to someone that is listening to us right now that this is resonating? Why does it matter that they label it this? And what the heck do you do if you go, oh, I think I'm dealing with this thing that Dr. Ncar is talking about, or I think that my son or daughter is. It's not that they're lazy and they can't get a job. It's not like that. They don't have any ambition. They have this thing that Dr. Ncar is talking about.

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:21:24):

So this thing clinically speaking, it's called the delayed stress response.

 

Mel Robbins (00:21:28):

What does that mean?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:21:29):

So the delayed stress response is what we are talking about, the damn breaking and all of those uncomfortable negative feelings and emotions are coming up for you.

 

Mel Robbins (00:21:38):

I just got this. Oh my god, okay, so this is what you feel after you've been trying to hold it together under all this stressful stuff, and then all of a sudden either the stress is over because the divorce is done or the diagnosis has happened, or you found the job after the job search, or you made it through the really terrible quarter at work and now the dam is broke because you don't have to hold it together anymore. And what happens when that dam breaks is it floods your brain and now 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:22:16):

Nailed it. And that is why so many people, especially now, the messaging, the external societal messaging is like we're out of the woods. Everything is great. Individually, collectively, we should be rejoicing, we should be celebrating. It's the roaring twenties. If you think back to the pandemic, so many articles with headlines like, we just got to get through this time and we're going to hit the roaring twenties. The roaring twenties are going to come roaring back. And I would see these headlines and I would laugh because I would think that is so not how the human brain works, because your brain is a dam, and when that dam breaks, it's not the roaring twenties. You have to move through it. The only way around us through, once you move through all of this stuff, whether you see counseling or you do some of the strategies that you and I have talked about in the past, then you can get to the roaring twenties.

 

(00:23:03):

But for now, when you're sitting in that discomfort of whether you are highly emotional and maybe you're feeling a sense of real emotional charge when the world is telling you you should be okay, everything should be great, but you do not feel that way. There is a disconnect between your internal experience and your external environment, and that causes a lot of difficulty for many people. It's the same difficulty that my cancer patients had when they were given a clean bill of health. I should be doing this, I should be doing this, I should be feeling this way, and yet you don't. And then that creates all sorts of blame and guilt and shame.

 

Mel Robbins (00:23:42):

This is terrible. So what do you do about it? So if somebody's like, oh my God, you've just described my life, what do you do? How do we move forward? Because I think in seeing this, and that's the point of the four things that you're going to talk about today, that you have to understand that this is a common thing and understand the medical issue that's going on so that you can take the steps that remove this as a source of stress. So what do you do if you're like, that's true. I've been holding it all together. The dam is broken, I'm exhausted. I can't get excited about life. I don't even know how to motivate myself anymore, and even when I do push myself out of bed or to the gym at lasts like a millisecond. So how do we clear this horizon list out of somebody's life so that you can get excited about what you're looking at in terms of your own future?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:24:34):

The first step always when you're going through a difficult experience, is to normalize and validate that difficult experience. Understand that if you are feeling this way, you are not alone. It is not your fault. It is your brain and biology doing exactly what they should be doing. Your brain and body are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. There is so much more right with you than wrong with you. That's what John Cabot Zinn, one of my meditation teachers has always said, and it's very easy to start that self critic, right? It's so easy for you to say to yourself, oh, something must be wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with you. This is how, this is the biology of stress, and you are seeing the manifestations of that. So the first step is understanding that the second is to have a sense of self-compassion. We know that self-compassion is not a soft metric. In fact, it changes your brain. Self-compassion works directly on your amygdala, the amygdala, that small almond shaped structure that you and I have talked about.

 

Mel Robbins (00:25:41):

How does self-compassion work on the amygdala?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:25:43):

When you are feeling a sense of stress or anxiety or these uncomfortable feelings, the volume of your amygdala is turned up right? It's your self-preservation response. And so the goal is about dialing down the volume of your amygdala. The reason self-compassion works on your amygdala to dial down the volume is because it changes your neural circuitry. It helps you get out of your own way when you are feeling a sense of stress and this feeling of the damn breaking, you can't get out of your own way. Like we talked about anticipation, thinking about the future. That's your prefrontal cortex. You have to get there, but if you're stuck in amygdala mode, you biologically cannot get there. So the first step, normalize and validate this difficult experience. Next, start small. You have to also be authentic in this journey in discovery. So when someone says to you, oh, it's mind over matter, just think about something that you can do a year from now or six months from now, you are biologically inept and incapable in that moment, living in amygdala mode to use that prefrontal cortex to think about what you are going to achieve six months from now or a year from now.

 

(00:26:53):

It's not mind over matter.

(00:27:59):

To me, that makes, because a lot of times when I'm super stressed and somebody's like, oh, you got to take a break, you got to slow down. I'm like, no, I can't because I'm so stressed. But if a medical doctor says, you have a brain stuck in stress mode, this is a sign that tells me this is so. And just like you have to repair a broken bone, and not to say that your brain is broken, but that you've got to get your brain working correctly and the biology reset before you'll be able to feel excited about the future again. Is that right?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:28:33):

Yes. It's a telltale sign of being psychologically depleted. And so again, it's also normal, Mel, to berate yourself and say, I should be doing more. I need to be doing more. Again, that's your amygdala speaking. That's your inner critic speaking. Instead, take your foot off the gas and focus on two things. Even if you can only focus on one thing, say, I'm going to look forward to getting my cup of coffee this afternoon.

 

Mel Robbins (00:29:00):

Okay, so let's break down the two things that you're going to do because we now know we can't step on the gas. We now know because you've made us smarter that when you feel this way, it's not a sign that your life is going nowhere. 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:29:31):

So there are many things that you can do that are immediate free and science backed. So for example, if you are feeling like this, prioritize your sleep. Think about sleep as a therapeutic intervention and don't power through and stay up till midnight. Go to bed at 9:00 PM for one week and see how that makes you feel. We know the golden hour of sleep is from 10 to 11, so as close to the 10 o'clock bedtime as you can get next, think about doing something, even if it's five minutes every day to move your body, get out of your head, get into your body. We know that's what's good for your body is good for your brain and vice versa. So it is truly about blood flow and getting good blood to the brain. And so think about that if you would consider doing some journaling.

 

(00:30:19):

So a gratitude practice, five things you're grateful for every day and why you can connect with friends or community. There are so many small tangible ways that you can get out of this mode, but even if that feels too much for you, what you can simply do is say, I'm going to look forward to my cup of coffee this afternoon, and then maybe you'll be like, oh, yes, I feel better. Oh, I'm going to take a walk around my block tomorrow. What is that walk around the block doing for you? Is it doing anything for your body in terms of fitness? No, this is about mental fitness, but what it's doing for you is that it's creating a sense of agency and when you feel a sense of agency and what agency means is I have the power to make a difference in my life. You, Mel, you are the poster child of human agency.

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:19):

Some days, some days, and I'm going to be honest with you because when you said look forward to your cup of coffee or go for a walk or journal, I almost rolled my eyes because when you feel that lost, and I have definitely felt that way in my life where I look out and I'm like, this is really what my life is for real. And I felt a sense of relief when I hear from Dr. Aditi, oh wait, this is a biological response to an overwhelming amount of stress. This too shall pass if I give myself the space to allow it to pass. When you listed off the particular things to do, it kind is like, okay, throw away advice, whatever. I've heard this a million times, but when you said the word agency, something interesting happened, and this is what I want to highlight to make sure as you're listening, you really understand the power of the action.

 

(00:32:11):

See, when you feel stuck or hopeless, I'm just going to speak for myself here and I'm going to speak on behalf of my family. When I have witnessed them being in their stuckness and hopelessness, the emotion itself makes you feel like doing nothing, and as you do nothing, you feel even worse. And so the condition is keeping you from doing the simple and on the surface dumb things that do make a difference physiologically, neurologically and speaking. And so if you kind of had that eye roll moment when you heard, look forward to your tea, or take a bath or journal or walk, I am so with you, and so is Dr. Aditi because she's like smiling. She did run the largest stress clinic for Harvard Medical System here in Boston. The issue is agency. And what Dr. Aditi is talking about is that when you go for that walk, even though you say this isn't going to help, the action of walking proves that you don't believe you're stuck. When you say, I'm going to look forward to that coffee, the action itself is proving that you are going to start looking forward to things when you crack open the gratitude journal and you have nothing that you're grateful for and you find something anyway, the fact that you can still hold a pen, the fact that you have a journal, the fact that you got a moment, you are proving through the action that the emotions don't rule you. And that's why this matters, right?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:33:39):

Well, we can even go back to physics, right? Please. It's like there's two types of energy. There's potential energy and kinetic energy and Newtonian physics energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It is just changing to a different form. And so when you, you're stewing in your own stuff and you can't get out of your own way, there's a lot of potential energy there. It feels like you're wading through molasses, but there is a lot of potential energy there. And when you take that first step, that's the science of action. When you take that first step, it doesn't have to be a big step. It can be getting outside, lacing up your sneakers, going outside, feel the sun on your face, taking a deep breath of fresh air, take a little walk if you can...

Mel Robbins (00:34:52):

Can you tell me how long this is going to take? Because I've been in that mode of feeling completely in the molasses of emotion.

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:35:04):

It'll take you eight weeks. It takes eight, eight weeks, it takes eight weeks.

 

Mel Robbins (00:35:08):

Can I feel better on the first day?

 

Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:35:10):

It takes eight weeks to build a habit in the brain falling off and just starting again. It's part of habit formation. So it takes eight weeks for you to just get into a habit of daily walking, but you're asking the question, how long does this take? You'll feel better by the end of your walk because it's that immediate sense of agency that you have, which makes you want to do it again the next day and the next day and the next day, which is why when you're starting something new, it's important to do it every day rather than once in a while because you avoid decision fatigue. Making a decision is taxing on your brain. So that's why something like going to a gym and when you're feeling horrible saying, oh, I'm going to exercise and I'm going to work out for an hour three times a week, that's why it doesn't work. I want to share a real world example. I have a friend who's going through a job crisis right now. She's potentially going to leave her job. And so we were having a conversation recently and she said to me, trying to put in all of these things and trying to do it, but I'm just so stressed out. And my response to her was, forget it. Just focus on sleep.

 

(00:36:19):

Because she was in crisis mode. And I said, just focus on your sleep. Focus on laughter community, and that's it. You can get to the other things later. And so she had this big sigh of relief like, oh, even a didi is telling me that I don't have to do everything all at once. Because when you are in that mode, you need to just almost parent yourself and really think about what are you going to do to lean into that idea of self-compassion and really nurture yourself so that you can feel stronger to then do all of those big things that you have planned. But when you start off thinking or when other people tell you, oh, you're feeling stressed, join a marathon or do this or that, it feels so inauthentic and so you don't do anything.