How to Stop Caring What People Think of You

(00:41):

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so thrilled to be here with you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for hitting play on this episode and choosing to spend some time with me. It is always an honor to be together with you. If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I just want to welcome you to the family. Here's what I know about you. The fact that you actually hit play on this tells me that you are the kind of person who really values your time and that you've made the time to listen to something that could truly help you create a better life. There is no doubt in my mind you have hit play on the perfect episode because today we are going to unpack a topic that I personally believe is the single biggest obstacle that stands in the way of you and your ability to achieve absolutely everything that you want in your life.

 

(01:31):

And what is that obstacle? That obstacle is your fear of what other people think about you. We all have it. We worry about it. We care about what other people think. We try to manage what other people think. You probably don't even realize how much of a default it is for you to stop and consider what somebody might think before you post something on social media before you say something at work, before you make the move that you've been afraid to make before you start the conversation, you always stop and you consider what somebody else is going to think or do in response to it. And you don't even realize how often you do this. I didn't either until I discovered the Let Them theory and starting to learn to catch myself whenever I was considering what somebody else would think or how they might react and worrying about it and learning how to say let them.

 

(02:22):

It has been life altering. And one of the reasons why I thought I got to dedicate an entire episode to this is because first of all, you struggle with this. That's why you chose to listen to this. That's why somebody that you care about deeply forwarded you this episode because they want you to stop worrying so much about what everybody thinks and live your life and be happy. But I'm here to tell you, you're not alone. Every single human being struggles with this. And so I thought, here's what we're going to do. We're going to unpack this today because in the 35 press interviews that I've done so far for the Let Them Theory book, this is the biggest question everybody's asking, and I don't care who's on the other side of the microphone with me, whether it's Oprah Winfrey or the New York Times or it's Time Magazine, or it is the Wall Street Journal.

 

(03:11):

Everybody wants to know how do I stop caring about what other people think? And that's what we're going to do today. And I'm so excited because I'm going to teach you this in a really special way. We're going to talk about this topic, and I'm going to unpack it by sharing a conversation with you that I had with Chrissy Teigen, and before we even jump into it, I want to thank Chrissy. I want to thank her for allowing me to share this conversation with you because we were talking on her new podcast and she was so open with what she's struggling with and she struggles with what other people think about her. I mean, it's almost crippling to her that people would think something negative that they would attack her, and she was so open about it and on top of it, she allowed me to coach her.

 

(03:57):

And I got in her face about this because it's really sad when you hold yourself back because you're afraid of something that you can't control because you're going to learn. You will never, ever, ever be able to control or guarantee what another person thinks about you never. And so I not only gotten Chrissy's face about this because I want her to have a breakthrough, but I need to get into your face about this because you need a breakthrough about this right now. You are holding yourself back because you're worried about what your friends from college are thinking or you're worried about what your parents are going to be thinking or you're worried about what your boss is going to think or this or that or the other thing. And more importantly, it's not even that worrying about it is the problem. It's the fact that you then aim it back at yourself.

 

(04:49):

I think it's fine to care what other people think. It's a sign that you're a good person. That's not the problem. The problem is how you hold yourself back, how you silence your opinion, how you use other people's opinions as a means to make yourself feel like you're not good enough as you are. That's going to stop today. And the reason why we struggle with this is because you believe that there's a way that you can behave, that somehow can manipulate or guarantee that somebody will think a certain thing. I'm here to tell you you can't and any time and any energy that you pour into trying to manipulate or control or guarantee what somebody else is going to think about you is a gigantic waste of time and energy. And in fact, anytime you start worrying about what somebody else thinks about you, you actually cause stress and anxiety for yourself.

 

(05:51):

The fact that you're worrying about what everybody thinks so much is actually a major source of stress and there is an easier way to live. I am going to prove it to you today with the help of Chrissy Teigan. And it may surprise you that when you listen to Chrissy and you listen to her share, it may surprise you that when you consider her life, well, this is a woman that is so wildly successful. She's an extraordinary business woman. She has four amazing kids. She's got an incredible marriage to John Legend and she struggles with this. And so from the outside, you see somebody who's succeeding. So you don't think that this is a person who feels misunderstood. You don't think that this is a person who feels like she's living in a prison of her own making. You don't think that this is a person who lives in fear that she's going to pass this onto her kids.

 

(06:42):

And what is it that she's afraid she's going to pass onto her kids? Well, it's this fear of being misunderstood, this fear that people are criticizing her, this fear that she can never do anything right, and the Let Them Theory is liberating in this regard, not only for Chrissy Teigen, but also for you and for whomever you share this with. And so I just want to thank Chrissy because she is giving me permission to share a few segments from her new podcast, Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, and you can listen to the whole conversation that Chrissy and I had right now. If you just go to audible.com/chrissy and Mel. So on the opening of her podcast, I explained to Chrissy what the Let Them Theory is. And in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast family, let me just share what the them theory is to you as well.

 

(07:28):

So Let Them Theory is a very simple mindset tool that shows you instantly what's in your control and what's not in your control. And there's two very simple parts to the Let Them Theory. Part one, you're going to use whenever you feel yourself starting to get frustrated or stressed out or annoyed or worried about what somebody else is doing, feeling or saying, just say, let them say what they're going to say. Let them think what they're going to think. I'm going to stop trying to control them and just let them. And the second step is when you say, let me, and when you say, let me, you remind yourself that in life there's only three things you can control. It's what you think, it's what you do or don't do, and it's how you process the feelings that are rising up. And when you say, let me, this is where you get your power back, let me remind myself that my power is not in what other people are doing. My power is always in my response. And when you focus on your response, and particularly you focus on showing up in a way that makes you proud of yourself, you're now in control of your life. And so I explained that to Chrissy on her new podcast, and this is what she had to say in response.

 

Chrissy Teigen (08:44):

I can say that to myself all I want. I can say Let them think their thoughts. Let yourself be misunderstood. It's okay. You have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful life. But it is so incredibly challenging for me. The one thing I wish I could change was that I wish I weren't so misunderstood, and I wish people knew how good I was, and it's so desperate sounding and so sad, but that for me is my biggest battle in life.

 

Mel Robbins (09:14):

Yeah, I'm so happy that she shared that. I don't think it sounds desperate at all. Haven't you ever had an experience in your life where you felt like you just wished that people didn't misunderstand you, that you wish people knew how good you were, how you had such great intentions? I think that's a really universal fear, and I was so glad that she actually shared that. This is the one thing I wish I could change. I mean, just imagine what would change about your life if you really could just let people think what they think, and you didn't worry about being misunderstood. And so of course,

Chrissy Teigen (10:04):

Since I was little, I really wanted to be loved and I really wanted adoration and affection. I had a parent that was not very touchy feely. I felt growing up that I was someone that she could show off. And so when I was little and going up to people and saying my words in tie or doing what I was told and being good, I got really good feedback from that. And it got that feeling of always wanting to be really good for everybody. And it's been in me since

 

Mel Robbins (10:38):

I was little. I think it's been inside all of us since we were little. I mean, if you just think about your own life, when did you get positive attention? It's when you were performing or you got good grades or the team that you were on won. And so what she's talking about here is something that so many of the psychologists and psychiatrists that have come on the Mel Robbins Podcast talk about, which is the experience that you had when you were little, where you got positive attention. It kind of tells you, oh, oh, when other people are telling me that I'm good, when other people are giving me positive attention, that's how I know that I feel good about myself. But here's the problem, as long as you locate your goodness and whether or not you're doing a good job as a person in the opinions and the moods of other people, you're never going to be in control of it.

 

(11:26):

And that's why so many of us, whether it's Chrissy Teigen or it's you or it's me, we find ourselves in these situations in life where you're like, oh my gosh, why am I so concerned about what other people think about me? And as I explained to Chrissy, look, it's natural when you're a kid because you need to be cared for, to be deeply, deeply connected to the people around you and attuned to them and looking to them for positive signaling that you're okay and that you're good. That's what happens when we're kids. But when we are adults, we have to pull that back to ourselves. And that's where the Let Them Theory is really going to change things. Because when you outsource your self-worth, when you outsource the positive affirmations to other people's opinions, you will never feel safe. And so I was explaining to Chrissy that you're really going to love the Let Them Theory because it's going to teach you how to stop looking outside yourself for the thing that you're actually seeking. 

Chrissy Teigen (12:59):

The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking, I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people. And it's so all encompassing. I very rarely leave the house because when I do and I interact with people out in the world, whether it's through work or just being out shopping at the grocery store, I just destroy myself and work so hard to make sure that they had the really good experience with me. And then I come home and I dwell on it forever. It's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself, and I don't know what it's like to not be that way. And if I could heal that part of myself so much would change. So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter. But right now, I'm in the prison of it.

 

Mel Robbins (13:59):

You're clearly in a prison of it because you've given all the control to other people. Your worth, your value, whether or not you're happy, whether or not you are proud of yourself is entirely given away to other people's reactions or what they say. And just like you cannot control what another human being feels, you will never be able to control what someone else thinks about you.

 

Chrissy Teigen (14:28):

I can by being really good.

 

Mel Robbins (14:32):

No, you can't. I know. No, you can't. When we're done talking, can you control what I'm going to say about you when my two daughters are like, what was it like? Christina? Can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be?

 

Chrissy Teigen (14:49):

No, I know that I'm saying that, but there's another level of me. I can do the best I can to ensure that you,

(15:52):

This is why you need the Let Them Theory. Your boss's bad mood doesn't mean you're a bad person. Somebody saying something negative about you doesn't mean you have to feel negatively about yourself. And I knew that intellectually, but I never knew how to separate myself from other people's moods and other people's opinions of me. And the Let Them Theory has been life altering in this regard. And this is what I was trying to explain to Chrissy. She's literally describing how you probably go through your day too, where you're concerned about what people at work think about you. You're concerned about what your sorority sisters think about you. You're concerned about what your family thinks about you. What if we were to invert this? What if you were more concerned about what you think about you? And instead of exhausting yourself over something you'll never be able to manage, you pull the power back. This is what I was trying to explain to her, and I think she's starting to get it.

 

Chrissy Teigen (16:47):

And if I could heal that part of myself so much would change. So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter. But right now, I'm in the prison of

 

Mel Robbins (17:01):

It. You're clearly in a prison of it because you've given all the control to other people. Your worth, your value, whether or not you're happy, whether or not you are proud of yourself is entirely given a way to other people's reactions or what they say. And just like you cannot control what another human being feels, you will never be able to control what someone else thinks about you.

 

Chrissy Teigen (17:31):

I can by being really good.

 

Mel Robbins (17:34):

No, you can't. I know. No, you can't. When we're done talking, can you control what I'm going to say about you when my two daughters are like, what was it like with Chris? Can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be?

 

Chrissy Teigen (17:51):

No.

 

Mel Robbins (17:53):

I have to applaud Chrissy because she shared something very personal in this next segment, and I wanted to share it with you because I think it's really important to stop and consider that how you move through life is an example to other people. And using the Let Them Theory, you can truly take the power back and decide who you want to be. That's the let me part decide what I want to think about myself. Let me align my actions with the kind of person I want to be part of Chrissy's new podcast. And the conversation that we had that I wanted to share with you because she shared this fear that she had that is extremely personal, and I think it's an important part of this conversation. Check this out.

Chrissy Teigen (18:41):

One of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling. Why am I like this? I'm really scared of passing this along to my kids. I think that is the big realization for me. I can't do this to my kids. I don't ever want them to feel like they have to perform for everybody and be good all the time. But I know that sometimes I probably am that way. I do want them to be the most polite, and I don't want people to think that they're just celebrity asshole kids. So I might go harder the other direction to make sure that they don't come off that way. I really need to break that because I'm okay, and this is another reason I'm in therapy. I'm okay with me getting the shit end of the stick on anything or living this life where I'm stressed and in pain, but I'm not okay with them.

 

Mel Robbins (19:39):

Yeah. Well, I can see it really bothers you.

 

Chrissy Teigen (19:42):

Yeah. Yeah. Because I see how much my interactions with adults as a child affected me from so many different layers, whether it was sexual or the reason I became such a people pleaser, and that was through sleeping with people. It travels so far in my life. It's not just that I wanted to smile and say my little Thai words for people. It started that way, yes. But then I ended up believing, sorry. I ended up believing that I was for everybody and my body was for everybody, and it took a hold on every part of my life. And as you can see, it still has a hold on me now. So I cannot imagine this for my kids. I hope that they don't want to please everybody in life, and I hope that they know that their body is their own, their mind is their own, their actions are their own, and they can't control other people. I cannot them live this way that I live.

 

Mel Robbins (20:51):

Who is going to teach them this? And that's the enormous opportunity that you have. When you understand what you're dealing with, you have the ability to face it and to make decisions to live differently. And that's exactly what you're doing. And your kids watch you and they are watching how much strangers and other people impact how you feel about yourself. And so as you take this on and you truly start to separate, what is your responsibility to manage, which is your thoughts, your feelings, your words, when you focus on that and you align your values with how you show up in life and you put yourself first in that regard, you are also showing your children that their opinion of themselves is more important than what anybody else says or does because they're no longer seeing their mom destroyed by what other people are saying.

 

Chrissy Teigen (22:08):

It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl. I'm like, you guys have no idea how many fucks I give.

 

Mel Robbins (22:16):

Well,

 

(22:17):

Anytime anybody says, I don't give a shit what they think they totally do, because it's when you have to say that out loud, it's evidence that you are still processing something that bothers you. It's so true, isn't it? I bet you're thinking about somebody in your life who constantly says, I don't care what they think. This is an episode they need to hear because the fact that they're saying it out loud means they care what they think. I really want to unpack this whole idea of not giving any fucks. And let's look at what Chrissy Teigen actually said because I have it right here.

 

Chrissy Teigen (22:49):

It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl. I'm like, you guys have no idea how many fucks I give.

 

Mel Robbins (22:58):

You guys have no idea how many fucks I give. Give is the word because when you actually are worried or try to manage what somebody else thinks, you give someone else power. That's why Chrissy's crying because she's sensing and realizing how much power other people had over her life. And here's the other thing I want to say, both to you and to Chrissy, and I said this to her on her podcast, this isn't your fault. This isn't your fault. This was conditioned in you as a child. When you get positive reinforcement based on other people's behavior, your moms or the adults around you, of course you're getting conditioned to please other people. Of course, you're getting trained to care what other people think. And a bigger issue is you're actually being taught somehow that you are responsible for other people's moods and opinions and that your worth is outside of you.

 

(24:03):

And so I want to come back to the word give. When you give fucks or you give a shit or you give power to what somebody else thinks, you are always going to feel stressed out, anxious and unworthy, because you're never going to be in control of what somebody else thinks. And you're always going to be up in your head worried about it. And that's why the Let Them theory is going to change your life. Because when you say let them think something negative, let them be disappointed. Let them be upset that I'm not meeting their expectations. Let them say that I'm rude. Let them believe that I should be acting a different way. Let them unfollow me. Let them think what they're going to think. And then a really funny thing happens, and this is something that I've noticed in my own life. The more I say, let them think something negative, and the more I take my power back and I really put all my time and energy into showing up in my life in a way that makes me proud of myself, I know who I am. And when I know who I am, and I'm proud of myself because I'm trying and I'm doing my best, and I know what my intentions are, I don't actually think about other people a whole lot. I know the truth, and that's what's available to you. 

Chrissy Teigen (25:26):

One of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling. Why am I like this?

 

Mel Robbins (25:38):

Why do I do this? Why am I so mean to myself? Why am I such a people pleaser? Why do I constantly worry about what other people are thinking? Why, why, why? And the truth is, we're all like this, and it's a fundamental part of the human wiring. See, we are super hard on ourselves, and I'm sure if you really are honest with yourself the way that Chrissy, Teigen was honest with me about how she is bashing herself all the time and she doesn't want to do this and she doesn't want to pass this on to her kids, that I don't think we mean harm to ourselves. And yet here we are caught in this negative loop with ourselves. And so this is why we're looking for validation outside ourselves because we're trying to escape the criticism that is running on repeat in our own heads.

 

(26:33):

We're looking for clues from the outside world. And what I'm here to tell you is that since this has been going on since childhood, the better is to learn how to give yourself clues internally. And I never understood this until I talked to world renowned psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Paul Conti. He wrote The New York Times Bestseller Trauma, the Invisible Epidemic, and the introduction for that book the Forward was written by Lady Gaga because he treated Lady Gaga, and she says that Dr. Conte saved her life. As soon as I was done talking to Chrissy Teigan, I remembered Dr. Paul Conte and his appearance on the Mel Robin podcast, and I'm like, this is exactly what he was talking about. I wish he was here talking to me. And Chrissy, well, through the magic of podcasting, I can bring him into this conversation because he explained why we are all so negative, why we are all criticizing ourselves, why we all feel like we're not good enough, and also why we give so much weight to other people's opinions, why we're constantly looking around at our bosses and our parents and our significant others and our friends for validation that we're a good person.

 

(27:50):

And the way that he explains it, it's going to help you understand that other people's thoughts and other people's behavior does not determine your worth, even though this is how you've been operating since childhood. It's because this missing thing called attribution, this is so important that I really want you to hear Dr. Paul Conti explain this to you.

 

Dr. Paul Conti (28:13):

Children are trying to understand, especially the stage of life where there's so many connections forming and the child is growing and learning about the world around them that the child is trying to understand, but without the benefit of abstract thought

 

(28:31):

And of life experience. But in children, they're trying to make sense of things without those capabilities. So then the idea is it must be me because there's not the thought, oh, people can have issues of their own that can impact how they're responding. So in one sense, they're responding to me, but they're not really responding to me. They're responding to what's inside of their head. So if I say Mom or dad, can I have something to drink? And the person says, just go in the other room or just yells at me, I didn't really do anything wrong. That person, my mom or my dad was in a bad place, they can't do that. So the attribution is to self, which is why the lessons that we learn in childhood can be so, so difficult into the future because we don't have the capacity for the abstract thought.

 

(29:21):

We don't have the life experience. So we attribute the negative things around us to ourselves. And this is where there was an English physician named Winnicott who wrote about the idea of raising children is so that the child can feel good enough. And this wasn't an idea of limp over the line. That's not what good enough meant. Good enough means solidly good enough that I'm good enough to face what there is for me to face. If that's something negative, I can get myself through negative things. And also I can get myself to better places. I can find better for myself. If I get knocked down, I can get back up again. These are the lessons that we want. And if we can get through childhood, and if we didn't get through childhood, so feeling good enough and there's aspects of not good enough, we carry along in all of us, then we can go back and look at that and we can change that later in life.

 

Mel Robbins (30:18):

And at the deepest level, that's what you and I are talking about today. If anything that Chrissy, Teigen, and I shared with you in those moments in her podcast resonated with you, or if somebody in your life struggles with people pleasing or if you're constantly on this negative loop and you really are navigating your life based on people's moods or their opinions or worrying about them or acting in a way twisting yourself and knot so that people think that you're the good daughter or the good wife or the good mom or the good dad, there's a different way that you can live. That good enough means that you know that within yourself, you have the ability through your thoughts and your actions to face anything that based on your thoughts and actions, that you're a good person, you know what you intended and that you hold the power and you are the person that determines your worth.

 

(31:14):

You and I since childhood, if you just really, really consider what Dr. Conti is saying, since childhood, we have been looking outside of ourselves to confirm that we're okay and that we're loved and that we're worthy. And the opportunity of this conversation is for you to take that power back and know inside yourself based on how you act, how you treat yourself, what you think about, what you do, what you don't do, that you are a good person because you know who you are at your core. And nothing has helped me do that more. Then learning to say let them, because when I say let them, if I put it in the words of Dr. Paul Conti, I'm now practicing attribution. I'm saying that if that person is in a bad mood, let them. If that person has a negative opinion about me, let them, I am attributing their behavior to them and I am not attaching it to me and my self-worth.

 

(32:12):

Isn't that so cool? It's the world's best boundary because you realize that when you let other people think, say, do, feel how they feel that you attribute their behavior and their thoughts to them alone. And then you say the second part, let me and you take all the power back and attribute your power to your thoughts, your feelings, and what do or don't do. And that is how you will know deep in your core that you are good enough. That's how you're going to start to change the way that you talk yourself. The let me part remind myself of who I am and that I'm a good person and I know what I intended. And that's how you stop this habit that so many of us have of constantly bending ourselves in knots or exhausting ourselves to try to please other people enough. You do not need to live that way.