A Toolkit for Families: Practical Wisdom That Makes You Closer to the People You Love

Kendall Robbins (00:19:32):

That the tool that you can use is a warm and excited and interested invitation to asking your kids about their life and showing genuine interest in their life. And I think that in that interest, it makes your kids want to tell you more in an authentic way. But I

Sawyer Robbins (00:19:55):

Also want to say that I think continuing to ask and continuing to be interested, continuing to be welcoming is very important. But if they are not receptive, don't take that as just never asking. Again, I think continue to ask, continue to be interested, but there are times in life when they will not want to tell you and you need to be respectful of that. I think it's when parents often overstep and won't stop asking and have to know that.

Chris Robbins (00:20:32):

So that's a great point is that a parent can comfortably be okay with not hearing

Mel Robbins (00:20:40):

Anything

Chris Robbins (00:20:41):

In response.

Mel Robbins (00:20:42):

Yes. Just keep asking

Chris Robbins (00:20:45):

That silence does not need to be misinterpreted as deafening and that there's something wrong, but just that because

Kendall Robbins (00:20:53):

Asking lets them know we're here, we want to listen, we love you.

Mel Robbins (00:20:57):

I have a question from Andre who has a three and a half year old and she's worried that she's going to screw up her kids by saying something or doing something wrong and she wants to know how do you not do that? And I just want to take a stab at this because I think one of the things that dad and I have done well is we have screwed up. We have said things wrong and we are not perfect, but we're really fast and good at apologizing and taking responsibility for the things that we do wrong or the things that we realize we regret in hindsight or for doing things that may have hurt your feelings. I think that that's like if you realize you're just a good person and you're doing the best that you can with whatever you got in terms of your own issues and you're quick to take responsibility for them, I think it does show that you're open and that you're human and that you're trying and I dunno.

Sawyer Robbins (00:21:55):

I agree. Dad, do you have anything next question to say about

Chris Robbins (00:21:58):

That? Yeah, I think that there's mean transparency is big and sort of leading by your own example and us being willing to share what's so about us I think sets, it's a good example that can only help in maybe a child wanting to do the same back towards their own parents. But it is fascinating to even in this conversation to be hearing about things that we might think we did well or didn't do well and you having a completely different interpretation about that because you're naturally at a different age and have a different perspective. And anyway, it sort of makes me think this is all well and good and ages and differentiation that that's things are going to get misinterpreted along the way.

Kendall Robbins (00:23:01):

Yeah. Another big thing, Andre, I'm sorry if I'm saying your name wrong. Beautiful name by the way is honest communication as parents being honest communication with each other and with your kids being honest communication, what

Kendall Robbins (00:23:20):

Telling them what's going on, telling them about your day, making sure, I feel like you guys were so open and honest in your communication with us and you would always tell us what was going on or why something was happening or if we asked a question you would always tell us. And I think that watching you two be honest with one another inspires us to want to be honest with you. And another thing too under the umbrella of honest communication is like I have so many vivid memories of growing up as a family sitting around the fireplace or sitting at dinner or sitting gathering. You guys made such a conscious effort, whether you know it or not, to gather us as a family and to just talk about literally whatever it may be with the fireplace, wood, evergreen, mint food, our love life's whatever. You made such a conscious effort to gather us together and get us all talking and communicating with one another that there were so many times when I was like, I don't want to fucking talk to you guys for 40 minutes at the end of dinner.

(00:24:20):

I want to go play poly pockets upstairs and chew on their clothes, but me and Kendall. But now that I'm at my age, it's like those are the memories that I cherish the most and those are the moments that I look forward to the most, which are like the rabbit hole conversations we get down. Because I think as kids, I'm trying to stay on track with the question, but making a conscious effort to talk to your kid and making it a ritualistic thing where you talk to them after dinner or you're talking to them in the car and whether they like it or not or whether they're showing they don't like it at that point, and maybe they won't, but I think that they'll really appreciate that in the long run. I know we all did.

Sawyer Robbins (00:25:00):

I think though under the umbrella of honest communication, I think a massive part of that is vulnerability because I think watching my mom and dad grow up, literally I've seen my dad and my mom cry and break down and not be strong and tell us what's going on in their life, how traumatic it is, how sad, how frustrating, how simple it may be, and absolutely be on the ground sobbing, which I think for a kid is a little bit jarring at first to witness your most idolized person as your parent be weak. But I think that watching our parents sit at the dinner table and baw their eyes out because work didn't go well that day or because they had a hard conversation with a friend and being completely open and honest about it just essentially made that possible for all of us to do the same.

Mel Robbins (00:26:08):

That's really big. I think when you guys talk about honest, most adults forget that kids are truth tellers and you also are lie detectors. And so when you say honest communication, what you're saying is you trusted us because what we were saying matched your felt experience

Kendall Robbins (00:26:28):

In your actions.

Mel Robbins (00:26:29):

In our actions. And I also think we tried very much to make sure that if either one of us were truly upset or frustrated or disappointed or sad that you knew that it wasn't about you, that it was something going on in our lives that you were not to blame for negative emotions that we were feeling. Is that true?

Sawyer Robbins (00:26:55):

Yes. You were very outspoken about that. When you would be in a bad mood or something, you would make sure even the first thing you would say, I feel like when you would come in the room is this is not about you. This has to do with something else and then you would continue to be a bitch. But it's fine.

Chris Robbins (00:27:13):

We did do all right. If the firstborn is actually saying that stuff, normally it would just be the third born that would pick up on that.

Mel Robbins (00:27:19):

I love you guys. I love you too. Alright, here's another one. Now let's go to older kids. I think most people are now like because so far the takeaway for me is seek connection. People are going to want to know the how we're talking conceptually,

Kendall Robbins (00:27:33):

No seek connection over correction is so big, huge, so big you, you'll correct your kids through connecting with them.

Mel Robbins (00:27:42):

I think I'm not a parent, but

Sawyer Robbins (00:27:46):

Be vulnerable.

Mel Robbins (00:27:46):

If you want your kids to be open with you, you have to model being open with them. And that doesn't mean sharing inappropriate things. I don't think you guys should have access to or know the details about our marriage. That's for dad and I thank God. And so I feel like you have to model openness. You have to talk about what's going on in your life. You have to talk about your feelings, you've got to show your feelings.

Kendall Robbins (00:28:12):

I think that you guys showing that you're at times you are weak shows that you're human and makes, I don't know, it gives us more space to do that too because okay, I am going to stutter for a second until I get to what I'm saying, but in being weak, in crying in front of us, I think so many parents are so just try to look so strong and perfect in front of their kids all the time. But it's like by showing your kids that you guys are also human allows your kids to feel those things too as they start to grow up.

Sawyer Robbins (00:28:47):

I also think, I know so many of my friends till this day as a 23-year-old, they're all, a lot of them have been like, I've never seen my parents cry ever. And not saying that you need to walk downstairs and baw your eyes out every goddamn day, but I just think that not showing your true emotion to your kids is sad add and not real life honestly. And I think that hiding that away from your kids and putting on a smile every single day makes a kid feel like they can't have a bad day.

Mel Robbins (00:29:32):

I also think that a lot of parents think they got to keep the stiff upper lip and they got to stay strong and they got to be the one in charge because that's going to make the kids feel safe. And I actually think when you see your parents being human, it makes you know that you can count on them to be honest with you and that you can count on them to tell you

Sawyer Robbins (00:29:52):

Totally,

Mel Robbins (00:29:52):

Yeah, what's going on?

Sawyer Robbins (00:29:53):

It's like honest feeling and communication. All right, let's move on to the next question, but take away, don't be a dictator, just be vulnerable.

Mel Robbins (00:30:01):

Yeah, connection overcorrection. Let's go to Christie. 

Kendall Robbins (00:30:20):

Okay. I think first and foremost, Christie, first and foremost Christie, there's going to be days when they're going to want to be locked up in the rooms on their phone and you're just going to have to keep a smiling face on, keep going, know that it's not personal at all. They're just in that moment of there is definitely a moment. There's a long ass moment in all of our lives, especially as teenage girls, that your friends are more important than your family. That's just how it goes in your development. That's just how it happens. Sawyer and I have both felt that simultaneously, but I think something that I wouldn't say my mom and my dad didn't do, but I wish they would've done more of is had more fun with us in those ages made experience happen between me, Sawyer and my mom, that both Sawyer and I would have so much fun doing, going to paint pottery together and then going to CPK because their food fucking slaps or you know what I mean, going to the mall and going shopping or girls today we're going to go to the pumpkin patch and if you want to bring your friends, bring your friends.

(00:31:28):

I think showing that you care about your daughters and their friends, but also making time for the three of you to have fun together, those memories will just be so crystallized in their minds I think. Yeah, I

Mel Robbins (00:31:39):

Didn't do that enough.

Sawyer Robbins (00:31:41):

I completely agree with Kendall. I also can say I think that as a teenage girl, I was angry and angsty and I literally sat up in my room as soon as I got home from sports and did my homework, went to bed and then went to school. And on the weekends there was no time for family, it was just friends. And I think that that, like Kendall said, is honestly a phase in life. And I think as they grow older, I can assure you that family does become more important, especially in college when you move away and you realize that, oh my gosh, I'm not living with them all the time. I'm get to go see them and that day will come. And I think that instead of just waiting for that day to come, I completely agree with Kendall in creating experiences that your kids will enjoy, especially your daughters creating experiences that involve their hobbies, their interests. If they like horseback riding, take them to a horseback show, horseback riding show if they like shopping, take them on a shopping trip to New York City, something like that.

Kendall Robbins (00:32:59):

And including their friends and those plans. I think you did a really good job of, I know I hosted a lot more than Sawyer did at our house, but both of you were so great about you want to be around me, but if that means that I'm not going to be present with you, but I'll be outside with my friends, so be it. You were so good about that. And I think that's a huge thing for parents if they want to be with their friends and you want to be with them, letting your kids know that your house, and I know that not everyone's homes can accommodate lots of friends and stuff, but if you have a space where you can invite your kids to be with their friends, that's huge. And they will keep bringing their friends back like I did.

Kendall Robbins (00:34:24):

I think this is a question for the both of you. Wait, no, I actually have an answer. I was going to say, can you

Sawyer Robbins (00:34:31):

Put your mic?

Kendall Robbins (00:34:33):

I was going to say tell them yes. Tell your kids how you're feeling. It's never too late to build a beautiful relationship with them. I know that we're very lucky. I'm very lucky to be a part of the Robins family, but I don't think that everybody on this podcast, everybody that's been requesting and sending in questions for my mom, tell your kids you're feeling this way. That is the most important thing you can do. It makes them feel so much more seen when you just tell them, imagine how it would feel if you just told your kid, I want to connect with you. And I feel like I fucked up a little bit in the past. It's

Mel Robbins (00:35:09):

Incredible. And I often think that the most profound advice is right in front of our face. And it's true. Instead of talking to your girlfriends or your spouse, go straight to your adult kids and say, I really regret that I didn't do more with your friends. I regret that I was not around as much as I would've liked to have been. I regret that we were struggling so badly financially that I couldn't afford to do those things. And so it does make me sad, but it's one of the reasons why I'm like, oh, note to self, instead of trying to drag your kids closer to you, if you want to be close to your kids, go to them. Go to them where you said, hobby Sawyer. Don't make them do the shit that you like to do. Go do with your kids what they like to do, even if you don't like their friends, invite their friends to be with you because then your child is going to want to hang with you.

Sawyer Robbins (00:36:10):

I think also going off that, the perfect example that I can think of is Oakley is really into video games and used to be a gamer. A gamer, well, he is a gamer, but

Oakley Robbins (00:36:21):

Used to be a big gamer,

Sawyer Robbins (00:36:23):

Used to be a big gamer. And obviously my dad is not, he doesn't play video games, but he brought him to a video game conference and they had an amazing time and bonded. And I think that that was so special because I'm very aware that my dad is not sitting with Oakley playing video games for eight hours every day. But the fact

Oakley Robbins (00:36:47):

That

Sawyer Robbins (00:36:48):

He can, but the fact that he can take you to a conference and bond with you that way, even though video games is not his top of mind interest is the perfect example with diving into your kids' lives, even into something that makes you feel uncomfortable or just know nothing about. And so you got choked up.

Oakley Robbins (00:37:09):

I would just like to say that I do not play video games for eight hours a day.

Sawyer Robbins (00:37:11):

Jesus Christ. Can you

Oakley Robbins (00:37:13):

Talk about that? I have an image, that experience. But yes, no, that was honestly a really cool experience because I don't even remember asking dad to do that with me. I remember dad just coming up to me one day and being like, Hey, there's this thing happening involving video games. What was that? I

Sawyer Robbins (00:37:28):

Think it's called Anime.

Oakley Robbins (00:37:30):

No, I think what was called Pax East, I think it was PAX East. My dad was like, there's this thing involving video games. You want to go? And I was like, yeah, I want to go with you. That'll be so much fun. And so I remember we just went and we walked around and we looked at all these booze and we played games together and it was a really cool and fun experience and I definitely will always remember that. And it was really cool seeing him take interest in my life. That felt nice because it also made me feel like what I was doing was okay. There wasn't something wrong with what I enjoyed. He was willing to be like, well, let's go do something about that, which felt really nice at the time.

Mel Robbins (00:38:09):

Do you think a lot of parents make the mistake of forcing their kids to do things that they like instead of letting their kids be themselves? Yes.

Kendall Robbins (00:38:16):

Yes. I think a lot of parents, sports is a big one. I mean, I think sports is, I'm not a parent so I can't really speak on this, but I think there are a lot of life lessons and values in making your kids play sports. But our parents made Oakley play literally every single, I literally played every single story, every single onto the, to his son from gymnastics to diving, to soccer, to lacrosse. And he would play every single sport for half a season. He hated every single one of them. And my parents would pull 'em out and be like, what do you want to try next? And he would tell them, and I mean you can speak on this more because this was your experience, but I think a lot of parents, it's like what I was going to say in general is I think what you guys have mastered is you brought us into the world, not so you could live through us, but so we could be our own people.

(00:39:06):

And you have mastered the art of teetering between letting us be our own person and not being a fuck up. And I think a lot of parents bring their kids into the world so they can live through them. And in doing that, make them play soccer until their bones are aching. Make them get straight A's because that's what they wish they would do. Make them do this, make them do that until they don't even know who the fuck they are by the time they're 22 and obviously they're not connected to their parents, then they don't know who they are. But you guys, and what I think a lot of you guys listening to this podcast, what I would advise you to do is figure out how it feels for you and what it looks like for you to bring somebody into the world so they can be their own person, not so you can make them be somebody that you wish you might've been.

Sawyer Robbins (00:39:54):

Mic drop. That was phenomenal.

Mel Robbins (00:39:57):

Boom. Yeah, that basically was it. I want to do some rapid fire questions.

Kendall Robbins (00:40:02):

Go.

Sawyer Robbins (00:40:43):

Alright, let me just tell you something. This is the story of my life. This is exactly what happened to me word for word. I went to Boston College, I had a boyfriend at the time who went to University of Michigan. I absolute, I was obsessed with it. I was so excited to go. I was proud to be an eagle. I showed up and immediately didn't see the rah rah fraternities, sororities. I didn't have a massive friend group. I had one friend who I met at orientation and literally for the entire year, she was my only friend. I was miserable. I sat in my room every single day bawling my eyes out, begging my parents to come pick me up or Uber me 20 minutes home because I didn't want to be there. I attempted to join a bunch of clubs to try to meet people, and I tried to take all the steps in which I thought would be the best way to meet people, et cetera, make friends, and I didn't connect with literally anyone. And so what my advice is, another part of that is I can completely relate to the high school boyfriend who is at another college. All you want to do is be with them. You just came off an amazing senior summer, you, et cetera. I'm sure you have heard this story, but my advice to you is she has to stay for a year.

(00:42:23):

I really believe this because my entire Boston College experience for my entire freshman year was horrible, and I do have to put that out there. But I went back because I didn't know where I wanted to transfer, although I wanted to transfer, and I had the best year of my entire life, my sophomore year. And I literally think that was solely because my parents forced me to stay. They said, you need to stick it through. And I honestly grew as a person so much that entire year because I was in pain, uncomfortable trying to meet new people, all of which brought me to the best people in the world at Boston College.

Mel Robbins (00:43:03):

Well, it also brought you to the best version of you. See, this is an example of guardrails. If you always allow your kid to bounce from a situation that makes 'em uncomfortable, their anxiety increases. And here's what you can do in that situation. You can say, I hear you. That is hard. And we're paying for the tuition, so you need to stick out the year. And if you are that miserable, here's what you could do. You can transfer. And so put all that energy into applications and figuring out where you want to go. And so you acknowledge what your child is feeling, you validate their experience so that they feel seen and heard, and then you help them come up with solutions. And one of the things that I always say to you guys, even though I know that you guys make fun of me, is do you want me to listen?

(00:43:57):

Do you want to hear my advice? What do you need? And then nine times out of 10, you guys do not want advice. You just want me to listen. And then you end up going, so should I, what do I want to do? I have another question. I think that was excellent advice. Do not rescue them. Do not let them bounce. They're nervous, make them stick it out and then help them think of solutions, both for sticking it out and also for changing the situation if that's what they want. In fact, your cousin is going through this right now.

Kendall Robbins (00:44:25):

Yeah,

Mel Robbins (00:44:26):

So another one.

Sawyer Robbins (00:44:27):

Wait. One more thing though also is you always said when was complaining that I had no friends freshman year in terms of the solutions for an example of a solution is my mom always used to say, well, why don't you just go knock on someone's door? Or why don't you Instagram DM someone to get lunch? And at first I always said, no, that's so weird. I'm not going to do that. I have no friends, et cetera. But then I started to get desperate and I started taking her advice and it actually worked.

Kendall Robbins (00:45:23):

Okay, well really just singling out Sawyer, I'm going to let you meditate on this one while I take the wheel right now. What do you not do?

(00:45:37):

What you should not do is make your daughter or your son or your child feel as though they cannot bring the significant other over. Because I think as somebody that was in a relationship that was very healthy and loving in high school, I watched my sister in a relationship that I know she was happy in for a while, but I think towards the end, whatever, it ended for a reason. But I think one of the, I watched her shut down whenever we would talk about how we felt like they weren't a good fit or we felt like maybe she wasn't herself around him. And I think that the more and more you talk about how you don't like the significant other, the more and more your daughter's going to pull away. She's at a phase in her life. She's with this person for a reason. If it's not love, it's a lesson. She's going to learn something from it. As long as she is safe and there's no abuse going on, telling her that she can't be with him, telling her, blah, all this stuff, it's only going to push her further away from you. And I think that, again, honest and open communication, talk to her, tell her we love you, but we feel like you're not yourself around this person. Is there a reason why? Is there anything we can do? Et cetera, et cetera. Dad, go for

Chris Robbins (00:46:46):

It. Did you hear that from us, Sawyer?

Kendall Robbins (00:46:50):

I

Sawyer Robbins (00:46:51):

Heard

Chris Robbins (00:46:52):

Because I think we said that. The question is whether you heard us say that.

Sawyer Robbins (00:46:56):

So the thing is, when I was in this position and you were very open and honest, made it very clear that he is more than welcome over. You guys really enjoy him, all this stuff. And I think what I heard when you would say things along the lines of, I don't think this relationship is necessarily great for you anymore. You are not yourself around him, which I think is our biggest takeaway. And they always phrase the conversation less him and more about how I was and who I want to be and who I'm meant to be. And he was not making that possible for whatever reason. And I think that by my parents always framing the conversation and putting it back on me rather than blaming it all on my current boyfriend at the time.

(00:47:55):

It did obviously make me pull away at a bit in the moment. But I think those conversations about how they were feeling and while them putting it all on me eventually made me feel essentially they always stayed in my mind. I wasn't actively listening, but in the back of my mind, whenever I was with him, after those conversations, in the back of my mind, I would be questioning, is this right? Is this not right? I really love him, I want to be with him. He makes me feel comfortable, et cetera. But then in the back of my mind, I would consider yes, but who am I? And I think that that by framing the conversation towards your daughter rather than putting all the blame on the boyfriend, I think that that obviously might not make her immediately end things, but at the same time it will stick with her forever. I can assure you that.

Mel Robbins (00:48:57):

Yeah, I think that's a good insight. So I got two things from that. Number one, again, let's go back to one of the huge takeaways. Do not drag your kids to you go to them. So being super welcoming, even if you don't like the person, I realize the rudeness is a hard thing to deal with if that's the situation. If they're not in a dangerous situation, I think the more you can make them feel welcome at your place, do things with them, take them out to dinner, the more you got eyes on 'em, the more you have a better handle on the situation. The second thing, and they're never going to want to hang out with you if you're super judgy. And I thought that dad and I, because I actually really liked where you're talking about, I just didn't like who you were in it because you changed and I think that's You want to talk too?

Oakley Robbins (00:49:53):

No, I feel like that happened to me as well.

Mel Robbins (00:49:55):

Go say something.

Oakley Robbins (00:49:57):

I don't know, talk. I think I was in a relationship for about a year and a half and it was a great relationship. It was very healthy, but I would say that I was not myself around my family. There was a lot of, I don't know if sneakiness is the right word, but definitely my biggest goal in that relationship was to make sure that she was comfortable and she was happy and she would tend to become uncomfortable in certain situations. Most of those situations involved being around my family. So whenever she'd come over, I would basically hide her away in my room because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable and I was going out of my way to make sure she was comfortable. And I remember I had so many conversations with you guys about how I was different and there was nothing wrong, but you just wanted to hang out with us more and you felt like you still didn't really know her. And I think throughout the whole entire relationship, those thoughts never left my mind. So was saying they were always in the back.

Kendall Robbins (00:51:08):

I was going to say that's, thank you for sharing Snaps, Oakley.

Oakley Robbins (00:51:11):

Thank you.

Kendall Robbins (00:51:12):

Thank you. What I was going to say is I think, like I said before, as somebody that was in the opposite of that kind of relationship, me and my high school boyfriend didn't leave my parents alone, but I would witness you guys always having conversations with Sawyer and I witnessed some of the conversations you had with Oakley just about the significant other and about how these two were being in that relationship. And I think back to the whole honest communication thing, you would always have these conversations, nonjudgmental conversations with both of my siblings to the point where you were open and honest about how you felt and how you were noticing their behavior change. But it was never judgmental. It was never like, you need to break up with him, you need to do this. To the point where I think it almost made them feel more comfortable talking to you about it because then when Sawyer would have issues with this guy or Oakley would have issues with his girlfriend, they would still come and talk to you because they know that you wouldn't be like, well, now's your time to break up with them.

(00:52:12):

You have to break up with them. You would just be like, okay, how are you feeling? Do you know what I mean?

Mel Robbins (00:52:17):

I don't get the sense where you're like that with Sawyer, you were like that with me.

Kendall Robbins (00:52:20):

Wait, I feel like you were whenever she

Mel Robbins (00:52:22):

Issues at Sawyer, Sawyer's experience.

Sawyer Robbins (00:52:26):

No, I agree. I think that what, and obviously once again, I'm the oldest child, so I was the first rodeo, but I think that what happened was at first it was very, oh, well I don't think you guys should be together. I think you should break up overpowering. And then I think they sensed that I was pulling away and then all of a sudden they made a flip and it was constantly like, oh, well what are you and so-and-so up to tonight, you guys are more than welcome to come back over and hang out here. We'd love to see him, we'd love to see you. We can cook you dinner. And I think that unfortunately I had already seen the first side of things, so I was already self-conscious about how they felt, et cetera. And like Oakley hid him away in my room every time we hung out, but I do. I did really appreciate the shift in communication and understanding of where I was coming from.

Chris Robbins (00:53:22):

You did that, you created a little hideout for her boyfriend. No, no, not

Mel Robbins (00:53:29):

In relation to mine. We hit in the room while they were together. All right. One final one, and I think this is important given the rise of mental health issues right now in middle schoolers, we're not sure high schoolers and everyone, 

Oakley Robbins (00:54:03):

That's a hard one. You could try relating to her telling her opening up to her first and then seeing if she'll respond like that. I feel like everybody has a situation in their middle school or high school days where something shitty happens in a friend group and I feel like if you go to her and you're like, look, I noticed that something's going on in your friend group when I was so-and-so age, this happened to me, and it may make her feel more inclined to say something.

Kendall Robbins (00:54:25):

I think another thing too is when you do broach the conversation, even if she's very quick to not say anything back to you, make it very clear that you're just there to listen and you just want to be there for her and that you're not going to do anything because I think a lot of middle schoolers are petrified that if I tell my mom that I'm getting bullied, she's going to go and yell at all the bullies and then I'm going to get bullied triple the amount of times I'm already getting bullied. So make it clear to her. I will not be telling your teachers scolding anybody like I am your teammate in whatever you need me to be. I will be for you, but please just let me be there for you.

Mel Robbins (00:55:12):

I think that last part's genius

Kendall Robbins (00:55:15):

To

Mel Robbins (00:55:15):

Promise you're not going to do anything,

Kendall Robbins (00:55:16):

Promise you're not going to do anything about it, just promise you're going to listen.

Sawyer Robbins (00:55:38):

One thing, stop grounding your kids. I can assure you it does nothing but make them want to retreat and do the complete opposite of what you're telling them not to do.

Mel Robbins (00:55:50):

What should they do instead?

Sawyer Robbins (00:55:55):

Honestly, have the conversation and explain why it upset you and why it made you frustrated with why they did it. And I think just

Kendall Robbins (00:56:10):

If it happens again,

Sawyer Robbins (00:56:10):

If it happens again, then let's discuss it then and then we can talk about a punishment. But the grounding thing, I can assure you, all my friends used to get grounded and as soon as their punishment or grounding ended, they would go the second they were ungrounded, they would go straight to the party and they would go straight to doing double the amount that they were doing before. So I can assure you, grounding, please just stop it. Really, really, I've never seen it work on anyone.

Kendall Robbins (00:56:42):

I would say be vulnerable with your children. Cry in front of them, be sad in front of them. Be happy in front. Emote in front of them in a real authentic way like how you would with your own friends and people your age. I think that's you're just showing them that you're human. That's what they're trying to be too.

Oakley Robbins (00:57:09):

I would definitely say just be there for your kid. Be their backup. Always let them know that you have their back and you're going to be there to help them whenever they need it no matter what.

Sawyer Robbins (00:57:19):

I think another thing that we talked about earlier is make sure that when you are with your kid and you're listening to your kid, you make it very, very clear that what they say to you will go nowhere. And that means not to your fiance, not to your spouse, not to your friend, not to your dog, literally anyone. It is just between you two because I can assure you it feels so invalidating to tell a parent something and then either even say I tell my mom something and then the next day my dad comes to me and asks if I'm okay about that. That doesn't feel good because I felt like I was in a trust circle with her and I just wanted her to know that. And so I really think that making sure your kid knows that it's just going to stay between you two and then it actually does. And then you don't go on your walk with all your girlfriends the next day and explain your kid's biggest issue is seriously crucial.

Kendall Robbins (00:58:33):

I'm not going to butt that. Yeah, just have your kids back. Same umbrella. If you give your kids your trust, I think just trust them. Give them more. Let out the leash a little bit and trust that, yeah, they might fall, but they're still in the damn leash. Yank them back. You know what I mean? Trust them. Be vulnerable with them. Go to them. Take interest in what they're interested in. Don't ground them. Have conversations with them. Be honest with them. All we're saying is just be a human being to them. You're no different now that you're a parent. I mean obviously yes, you are different. You have a lot more responsibilities, but you still are made of the same chemicals and feel the same emotions. Why would you turn that off? They want to that too. That's the most important thing you can do is just be a human be you

Oakley Robbins (00:59:25):

Request.

Mel Robbins (00:59:26):

We have to listen back.

Kendall Robbins (00:59:26):

Thank

Mel Robbins (00:59:27):

You guys. Thank you guys. Guys. Wait. Thank You. Are we going to do the I love you. No, no. Goodbye. Let's huddle. Let's do our huddle. Okay. We're going to huddle everybody. We do a family huddle. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.