The Top Expert Advice of the Year: The Best of the Mel Robbins Podcast

Dr. Rebecca Robbins (00:31:19):

My wind down routine is one thing that I am very diligent about, and it's not complex, but I'm very diligent about the time I do my best. I try to get all my computer stuff done and then I put my boys to bed, and then it's eight 30 and then I am switching my mindset and it's time for mama to go to bed. And there are days where I need to be working and plug back in, but the best case scenario is my boys are down, and then I do a couple, maybe I clean up a tiny bit around the house. I start to turn the lights off, and then I go upstairs and I turn my phone off. I wash my face, I take a shower, and then I do one breathing exercise. I sit cross-legged on the ground in my bedroom. I'm turning lights off as I kind of move into the bedroom. And I do one breathing exercise and I don't set an alarm, but I just kind of do it until I feel like I've gotten rid of that busy mind that has served me so well over the course of the day. And sometimes that's five times on busier, more stressful days. Sometimes that's seven rounds of this, but it's the military breathing techniques. So I breathe in through my nose for a count of four, I hold for seven, and then I exhale purse my lips for eight.

 

(00:32:40):

And those times are longer than you think, right? The seven and the eight, really, you're kind of fighting for the breath at the end, and that's the benefit of that technique. It restricts and restrain the breath and can help calm the heart rate and calm your mind. And now while I'm doing that, thoughts are flying in because of course of what I forgot to do or I need to do. And I come back to this idea of, no, not now. Now is my time. I've done things for my students, my partner, my kids all day, and now is my time to restore and relax and if anything, any thoughts are still fighting to the surface, I write those down at my nightstand. So I've done the 4, 7, 8 technique, and then I mosey into my bed. I read a couple pages in a book. I do progressive muscle relaxation.

 

(00:33:28):

I clench and release every muscle group starting from the toes, and I inhale, clench, and then exhale release. And I really add onto that something like something that I'm letting go heaviness or a thought that's not serving me. And then I say a prayer and I go to sleep. And it doesn't happen every night, but that's my ritual. And I use the word ritual purposefully because you want to cultivate a ritual. A ritual is something you do every time. And so it's thoughtful. It's 1, 2, 3, boom. Sleep is next for you listening. What are the three things that you can do tonight and tomorrow night? And really institute as your ritual that you can ideally also take on the road when you travel and be diligent. Try to do those every single night because then what the brain starts to understand is what comes next to sleep.

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:19):

Oh my gosh. So here's what I've done with that. I think about what are the three things that I can do every night no matter where I am? And I want you to think about these three things too. Take her invitation. She did speak directly to you. What are three things you can do every single night that become your wind down routine that signal to you that it's time? And for me, the first thing is I always draw a bath. That's my new ever since Dr. Robbins, I do not miss it. And in fact, when I go to a hotel, I beg for a room with a bathtub, and I know that might kind of gross you out. If it looks kind of dingy, I'll just wash it before I climb into it. But I love a bath. And if I can't have a bath, I'll take a shower.

 

(00:35:03):

And when I start drawing the bath or I turn on the shower, that's my signal to plug my phone in for the night and to just turn off the screen and leave it in the bathroom. And then I take the bath. And when I'm done with the bath, this may be getting a little too personal here. I don't know if I should be telling you this, but while I'm soaking wet, I put lotion all over my body. I feel like it locks in the moisture and I want really smooth skin. So there you have it. There's my skincare tip. And then I just climb into bed, I turn off the light, and before I drift off to sleep, the final thing I do is I put my hand on my heart and I close my eyes. And I think about three things that went really well today because your brain will find what you ask it to look for.

 

(00:35:50):

And this kind of goes back to the Dr. Doty manifesting piece that at the end of the day with this routine, especially after a hot shower bath and without a phone anywhere near me, and now that I'm climbed into my cozy sheets and I've got my hand in my heart, I'm calm, aren't I? And so as I go through the day and I think about three things that went well, or three things that I'm grateful for, this is a form of manifesting because I'm training my mind to default on what's good, and that helps me continue to see things that are good, and usually I kind of drift right off to sleep. But I think the most encouraging thing that Dr. Robbins did share is that sleeping is a skill and you can take intentional simple steps that she shares in that episode to learn how to be a better sleeper that's available to you, and it's one of the core pillars of creating a better life.

Trent Shelton (00:38:02):

I'm a believer, and I'm sure there's exceptions to certain rules that people will consistently and continuously give you what you allow them to give you. I believe that you're in control of two things in this world. What are they? Which you give. Nobody can stop you giving anything and which you accept. So if I was like, Mel, this is a cup of poison, drink it. You wouldn't accept that. And it's crazy because I feel like emotionally we accept so many emotional poisons in our life that don't have to accept. Nobody can force you to accept it. And the first thing it starts with, again, we go back to setting that boundary, saying no, boundaries are not walls to keep things out, we hear the word boundary. Think, oh, boundaries a bad thing, and it's toxic and no boundaries aren't walls to keep things out. Boundaries are bridges to let the right things in.

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:59):

Ooh, that was boundaries

 

Trent Shelton (00:39:02):

Are

 

Mel Robbins (00:39:02):

Not walls.

 

Trent Shelton (00:39:03):

They're not walls to keep things out. It can be if somebody makes it a wall where they disrespect your boundary over and over, then it becomes a wall like, Hey, I'm blocking you from my phone. Leave me alone or I'm blocking you. But boundaries aren't walls to keep things out. They're bridges to let the right things in. That's in relationships, that's in marriage. It makes it more beautiful. Me and my wife, we've set boundaries with each other that makes it more beautiful. I give her her time on self-care day. She gives me my time, my hours, and we're better for our kids and our family when we come back to that. Do I want to every minute of her life? Yes. No, I don't want you to go out there, babe, but I realize that's what she needs. Friendships, boundaries, your work boundaries. And the thing that I see is that so many people aren't setting boundaries or they're setting boundaries and not standing on their boundaries.

 

(00:39:55):

So if you're the go-to person for everybody else, but you can't go to anybody, set a boundary, say, Hey, if you can't do this for me, I'm not doing this for you. No more unapologetically. If you're the person that's always being there for everybody, if you're somebody's 2:00 AM and they call you with all they problems, oh my gosh, then set a boundary. Hey, you know what? If you're not going to take my advice, don't call me no more with your problems. If I can't call you at 2:00 AM I call you, you sleep. I get the do not disturb, then set that boundary. And boundaries aren't a mean thing. It's a necessary thing to protect your peace and to protect your energy because as we said at the beginning of this episode, you don't give an infinite amount of energy to use. Like no, it's a battery. If we're honest. Some of us protect our phone battery more than we do our soul battery.

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:43):

So true.

 

Trent Shelton (00:40:45):

So to bring this back, set boundaries and look at boundaries as bridges, and I think it will change your life. When you ask yourself what you need, can I give 'em a three step process with that?

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:56):

Please. Let's go.

 

Trent Shelton (00:40:59):

Number one, when you're setting boundaries, first, ask yourself, what do you need in your life right now? Write that down. Whatever it is, peace. I need sanity. I need better friends, whatever it is. Number two, then ask yourself, what boundary do you need to set? Do I need to set that will lead me to what I need? Then number three, which is probably the most important. Why do I have to not want to? Why do I have to stick to this boundary and this boundary is something that I can't budge? And write that down. What is it costing you? I like to call it opportunity cost. What is it going to cost you not to stick to this boundary? Your future, your peace, maybe your a mom and you keep saying yes to everybody else and you're frustrated. Now your kids get that. Maybe your dad and you're doing all the things and you can't be the man you need to be for your wife and your family. What is it costing you? Because it's costing you way more than you think. Get clear on that and start there. You tell people how to treat you by what you accept. You tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:08):

That's right, Trent. That's right. And none of us want to see that, right? We want to blame other people. But I love that Trent walked you and me step by step through how you can think about boundaries and why you need them. And I'll tell you why, because your piece is worth protecting. And the thing that I keep thinking about over and over and over again, did you catch that part where you talked about your energy is a battery and that you spend more time trying to protect your iPhone and recharging your smartphone than you do protecting your own energy and recharging your own battery? And that's why I've come back to this over and over and over again. It's also one of the reasons why I love the let them theory so much because let them, when you say let them, you know what that is, that's a boundary.

 

(00:43:02):

You're drawing a boundary and saying, I recognize that this is not a situation that I care to drain my energy over, so I'm going to let them. And the second part, when you go, let me focus on what's in my control. Let me focus on what I want to say, think and do. Let me protect my peace and preserve my energy and recharge myself, that's a boundary too. And so I just want to thank Trent for giving you permission and showing up here with a level of urgency and honesty to say you tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept. So let them and start focusing on yourself because it's going to make you a heck of a lot happier. 

(00:44:51):

I'm sitting here with the world renowned expert in happiness. He's got a big smile on his face, click camera turnoff. Oh my gosh, we laugh. Click camera turns off. Oh my God, it happened like 17 times, and you want to know what he's the real deal? He just sat there smiling because he knows the meaning of happiness, and he taught it to us in the conversation, and it was in this conversation that he revealed the major mistake that I had been making around happiness. And you might too. Now, I think I'm like a very happy person. I'm a very optimistic person, and up until this conversation, I had been trying to be a happy person, and then he comes out of nowhere and shares this piece of advice. I learned that every morning when I would wake up and say to myself, oh, Mel, you're going to be happy today. I was actually doing something wrong. Check this out.

 

Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar (00:45:53):

Research done quite recently by a professor Moss, MAUS, showing that if I wake up in the morning and say to myself, I want to be happy or happiness is important for me, or it's a value for me, I will actually become less happy.

 

Mel Robbins (00:46:11):

What? Wait a minute.

 

Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar (00:46:14):

Really? That was exactly my reaction. That's a problem. And I read about this five years ago and I said, but that's what I'm dedicating my life to. Of course, happiness is important for me, and yet what the research clearly shows is that this will make you less happy. So does this mean we should kid ourselves say to ourselves, I don't want to be happy, wink, wink. I actually do. Self-deception is certainly not the path to happiness. So what do we do about it? Well, let me use an analogy that was very helpful for me in thinking about happiness. Imagine you go outside. It's a beautiful sunny day,

 

(00:46:53):

And you want to enjoy the sun. So you look up at the sun directly, what happens? You hurt yourself. It burns. It hurts. You tear up. So looking at the sun directly hurts. However, what if you take a prism and you break the sunlight, and then you look at what has just been broken? In other words, the colors of the rainbow. Then you can look at the sunlight and enjoy it, but you're looking at it indirectly. It's the same with happiness. Pursuing it directly and saying, I want to be happy. Happiness is important for me. That will make us unhappy. But if I break down happiness into its metaphorical colors of the rainbow and then pursue it indirectly, that is when I can actually become happier.

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:43):

I want to make sure you really understand the power of this metaphor. He's saying that if you and I stare intently at something that we think is going to make us happier, let's just say you're single and you just think, oh my gosh, if only I can find the one that I'm going to be happier, or if I can make more money, I'm going to be happier. If I can find a house to buy that I, I'm going to be happier. That that kind of pursuit of it and this intense focus, it's the same thing as staring at the sun. It creates blindness. It makes you miserable. You see all these dots that's not going to make you happy, is what he's saying. But when you break apart the sun through a prism, it casts a rainbow. And if you really stop and think about the power of that idea, the sun is a singular thing.

 

(00:48:34):

When you break it apart through a prism and it creates a rainbow of a full range of colors, think about the massive amount of possibility in that, that there are so many things that make you happy, that even if you think about the band of purple, that the band of purple in a rainbow. It's not just one color of purple. It's this just shades and different hues of purple. What does that mean? What he's basically saying to you is, first of all, happiness is more than one thing. Happiness is made up of a bazillion different things that all come together to create this magnificent thing called a rainbow. Don't just stare at the sun when you understand that it is comprised of so many things that are right around you and available to you. You don't have to go for it at all. You don't have to stare blindly at one thing.

 

(00:49:39):

You can just welcome it in and appreciate all that's around you. I mean, it's just such a cool concept. And so I said to him, because I started to wonder, okay, I really get this, and it's very much changed how I think about this because I can now have one thing that's going really badly. I can have a horrendous day at work, or I can get very sad news. And then because I understand that the feeling of happiness in your life isn't the one thing, it's actually all things that I still have the space to stare off at a sunset and allow it in. I still have the space to see my dogs playing with one another and to smile and to allow it in that it's not just the thing that you think that's going to make you happy, that you can be happier now by allowing yourself to be because it's all around you and it's in so many things that are right there. 

Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar (00:51:00):

There are five elements to happiness. There may be more, but five main elements to happiness, which we call the spire

 

Mel Robbins (00:51:10):

Elements. The spire,

 

Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar (00:51:11):

S-P-I-R-E-S stands for spiritual wellbeing. Spiritual wellbeing is about, of course, we can attain it through religion, but we can also find it through doing something that is meaningful to us, purposeful by being mindful by being present. We experience the spiritual. That's one of the colors of the rainbow. So if I wake up in the morning and say, I want to be happy, I'll be less happy. But if I wake up in the morning and say, I want to find something which is more meaningful to do, or I'm going to meditate for 10 minutes. Now, that is an indirect way of pursuing happiness. That's one of the colors. So that's the S of spire. The P of spire, that's physical wellbeing. Physical wellbeing is about nutrition. It's about rest and recovery. Sleep, it's about touch. It's about what we eat. That of course, matters. So if I start to exercise regularly, that's an indirect way of pursuing happiness.

 

(00:52:15):

If I eat more healthfully the same, then we have the I of spire. I stands for intellectual wellbeing. That's about curiosity, about asking questions about constantly learning about deep diving, whether it's into a text or a work of art or nature. And these are, again, all indirect ways of pursuing happiness. The fourth color of the rainbow, the R of Spire, relational wellbeing, number one, predictor of happiness, quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. So if I spend more time with my loved ones indirectly pursuing happiness, and finally, the E of Spire, emotional wellbeing. Emotional wellbeing is first of all about giving ourselves the permission to be human. In other words, allowing the embracing painful emotions that are natural parts of any life, even a happy life, sadness, anger, frustration, allowing these emotions to freely flow through us, paradoxically actually leads to more happiness. So these five elements of happiness, spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional wellbeing are the metaphorical colors of the rainbow. When we pursue them, we're actually pursuing happiness indirectly and becoming happier.

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:41):

I love that. I absolutely love that. I guess he must be one of the most popular professors ever at Harvard because I certainly learned a lot, and his perspective changed the way that I not only view happiness, but certainly how I experience it. While we're on the topic of happiness, let me just talk about something that can make you really unhappy, and that's not handling your money correctly.

Tiffany Aliche (00:54:42):

I want you to think about a budget. The way what I say is how you think about your mom, right? So you've got three kids, right?

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:48):

Yeah.

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:54:48):

And so if say your son's like, oh, when he's little mom, can I have dessert? You'd say, yes after you have dinner, or if your daughter says, mom, can I go outside to play? Yes. When you do your homework, or Mom, can we go on vacation? Yes. If we lower the light bill. So your budget is like your mom. She's there to say yes. When if after, so it's really a say yes plan, but one that's safely implemented so you can maintain the thing that you want, right? Okay. So you could call it a money list. That's what I usually start with, because people hate that name.

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:26):

I like the name money list. Yes. What does a money list mean? A budget. Okay. I love this reframe because I hear the word budget and I hear no in restriction. And you are saying that the budget is how you say yes to what's important to you.

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:55:41):

Yes. It's not there actually to tell me no. It's there to find the yes in the safest way possible.

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:46):

So for somebody hearing you say that, and they're like, but I've never made a budget, or I've never stuck to one, I don't know what my budget should

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:55:59):

Be, where do you begin? Step one is to write everything down. Just the words of what do I spend money on? Don't think about the month, just in general. So it's like, oh, the kids. Oh, credit card. Oh, grooming going out. Just I want you to just write the words. Don't think about the money. Just words.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:15):

Okay,

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:56:15):

So that's the first part.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:16):

Step one,

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:56:16):

Yes. Then step two is, now you say these words on my money list, how much am I spending approximately monthly? Some stuff you'll know, like your mortgage or your rent, some stuff you might not be sure, go pull out your bank statement and see on average the last few months, how much you're spending on groceries or eating out or grooming or

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:33):

Electricity

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:56:34):

Or water,

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:35):

Or any of those things that you don't even really think, oh my God, I got that bill.

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:56:39):

Exactly. So then that's within a month frame on average, right? So that's step two. Then step three is to write down how much you make on average every month from all of your areas. So maybe you get alimony, maybe you get child support, maybe you have a job, whatever that is. How much are you making monthly? Then you add up step four, you add up how much you're spending monthly and subtract it from how much you're making monthly. I call that the tears and tissue step, because usually people get there and they're like, can I have a tissue? And should you do this with a friend? Yes. Should we call Linda? Yes. Get yourself a Linda. So literally, so when I used to do one-on-ones, we would do all that and people would be like, okay. And then I would literally just grab a box of tissues and just put it here like it's about the water works.

 

(00:57:24):

It's common, it's common. They added up. I remember it was a nurse, I'll never forget, I'll call her B, and I came to her house and it was beautiful condo. And so we did that step and she started crying, and then I started crying because baby, I'm a baby. And she was just like, I didn't realize how much over I was spending. And she said, as a matter of fact, I can't even afford the air conditioning that's on. Can I turn it off? And I was like, yes. So we sat with the fan on because she just turned on the air conditioning. I was coming over. So I was like, turn off the ac. A fan is fine. That tears and tissue step allows you to see what do you need to do now?

 

Mel Robbins (00:57:59):

And so let's say you've done that,

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:58:03):

Right?

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:04):

And you've made the money list and you see what's coming in and what's coming out. You're faced with the reality tears and

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:58:13):

Tissues,

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:14):

And you see that you are outspending every month. What's actually coming in? What is the next step?

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:58:21):

The next step is I want you to categorize your expenses before you get to slashing and dashing, because that's what people want to do I won't eat out. I won't. I'm never going to eat again. Never going to turn the lights on in this house. Get the candles. So I'm like, categorize your expenses into three categories. One, I want you to write a B next to all the bills on your list. So bills are, if you don't pay it, someone's going to come knocking on your door and say, where's my money? Right? So put a B next to all those things

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:49):

And give me an example. I know that sounds like a basic question, but is your mortgage a bill?

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:58:53):

Yes, mortgage is a bill. Rent, car. Note your credit card student loans. So if you don't pay, you're likely to be sued. Think about that.

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:02):

Gotcha. Like when you were standing at Walmart or Sephora and you're like, yeah, I'd like 10% off this. And then you're like, oh wait, that's a credit card.

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:59:09):

Yes, that's a bill. Got it. So a B next to all your bills. And those are really fixed expenses. So that way you understand, right? And then I want you to put a U in front of any B that based upon your usage. Oh, I love that. So I call these the U stands for usage or utility.

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:27):

So your student loan does not have a mortgage or rent does not have a U. Nope. But the

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:59:34):

Water, electricity. So your usage,

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:38):

Yes. The data on your phone.

 

Tiffany Aliche (00:59:40):

Yes. And so it's important to separate those two because you'll see that I want you to understand the level of control you have on these expenses and whatever's not A, B or U, B, everything else is a C. C stands for cash or choice, meaning that you have full choice of how you spend here. So grooming might be leftover, groceries might be left over how much eating out with friends and so entertainment. And so now before you get to slashing, I want you to ask yourself, where's most of your money going? For many people, most of their money might be going to the bees and

 

(01:00:14):

But for some people it's actually all the Cs. So then we have to identify, do you have a, don't make enough issue or spend too much issue. And so if most of your money's going to the bees and you bs, you might not make enough. So it's not about slashing because these are your bills, but if most of your money's going to your Cs, your choices and your cash expenses, then you probably havet spend too much issue. So now we need to slash because it's entertainment and grocery and all those things where your money is going. Because what I find is that frugal, people want to get more frugal when things are tight. I'm like, that's not the answer, that instead, I want you to put your energy toward learning how to earn more If all of your money's going to your bills because we're cutting the mortgage, what are we cutting? That's true.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:59):

One of the things that I worry about, and I'd be curious to hear your perspective, is that you and I both had the experience of being in college and it's that opening week and literally at the opening registration fair, there were banks with credit card tables. You get your Snickers bar when you sign up for one and then it's free money. But I worry a lot about the fact that in today's world, particularly for people who are in their twenties and thirties, that social media has become shopping with a click. And you and I had to leave our house to go spend money back in the day. And when I think about TikTok or Instagram, every other freaking suggested thing has a shop down button.

 

(01:01:54):

And stuff gets sent to your house. And have you seen a big increase because you've been doing this for a while in people in the spending category, that spending has gotten so easy because of social media. It's always in your face. You always see what you're missing out on. There's an influencer that has the product for free who's like, this changed my life and oh, click, click, click. It's 1130 at night. So do you see a spike in this or

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:02:22):

Is it Absolutely. Over consumption is the new way. We all have so much that we don't need. I mean, sometimes I'm like, Tiffany, you do not need another. You don't even vacuum. I'm like, but that one is so cool. And I'm like, this is influential who I follow, who I love her because it's so aesthetically pleasing.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:41):

Yes.

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:02:42):

But the ones that where everything in the kitchen is aesthetically pleasing.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:45):

Yes, this is these Amazon

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:02:46):

Shops.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:47):

I can click through to my Amazon thing. Yes, it's

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:02:49):

For free. I'm

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:50):

Going to make money on you

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:02:51):

Buying it. A container for the container. Yes. It's like, well, who wants to eat cereal out of a cereal box? We want to eat it out of an aesthetically pleasing glass container. Do I need an aesthetically pleasing? You don't. So it is really hard. So that's why I don't believe in leaning so heavily on discipline when it comes to financial sticktoitiveness.

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:09):

What do you believe in

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:03:10):

That? I believe automation. Automation, automation. That's the new discipline that if we can put systems and automations in place, it will help to safeguard you because you're human. So we're not here to fight against your humanness. I'm like, for budgeting, for example, I do this thing where I call it budget Without a budget. You go to hr, you say, Hey, HR or payroll, I want to split my money before I get my money. Oh, so you at

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:34):

Your company level,

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:03:36):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:36):

You basically say, X percent of my paycheck is going to go into checking account. Do you have a particular percentage in mind?

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:03:45):

Well, the good thing is people ask me though all the time, I'm like, well, we don't have to guess. Money list is right there saying, hello, we know how much you need to put in here.

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:53):

As I'm listening to her, I'm just smiling. She make you want to do a budget. You better believe she does, and she's going to help you automate it because you deserve to get good with money and she's going to help you how. And so I hope that is a episode and that segment is something that you share with everybody that you love because everybody needs to hear it and it's fun to listen to.

Tiffany Aliche (01:04:52):

Well, I don't know if you know this, Mel, but two and a half years ago, my husband passed away Suddenly.

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:55):

I did not know

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:04:56):

That. From an aneurysm,

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:58):

That sucks.

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:04:59):

And so one thing I learned from that, aside from the financial component, which is that we did, I want to say 85 to 90% of the things. So I get to just miss him. There's not the financial ruin that so many because many women lose their partner and their home. So that has not been the case for me. But what I did, what my therapist calls the gift of grief, is that it gave me perspective of what's really important that all of this that you're learning today is not for money's sake, it's for meaning's sake. I hope you remember to put that first and center, that what is the real thing that you're wanting to what end time with family, time with friends, purpose, whatever that is to center that and to use the money to match to it because you might already have enough. I didn't know I had enough. I was like the driver, like, oh, babe, we could do this. And he'd be like, well, I like our house. Oh, we could get this car if I work even harder. And he's like, well, the car's paid off. I like our car. His thing was always, because I have a stepdaughter, Alyssa, he would always be like, well, if Alyssa is good and you're good, I'm good.

 

(01:06:09):

And it took for him passing away to make me realize that it's enough. I have enough. I spend way more time with family and friends now. So all that I work toward is to just bring back to center to enough. I don't need to collect any more. I'm so happy my book made the New York Times bestsellers list, but honestly, what does that even mean? We're here for a flash in the pan and how will you spend that time? And I hope you spend it on the things that mean the most connectedness, love, purpose, and they use your money as one of the tools to help you achieve that life.

 

Mel Robbins (01:06:48):

You are a gift to all of us.

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:06:50):

Thank you.

 

Mel Robbins (01:06:51):

Thank you for absolutely everything that you poured into us today. What's coming up for you?

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:07:01):

I just miss him. He was a really good man.

 

Mel Robbins (01:07:06):

He still is. And he is really proud of you. It sounds like he taught you something that so much he could not teach you when he was still here

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:07:18):

 So much. Honestly, I look back and I'm just like, I mean candidly, I said this with so many women who are looking for partnership. My husband never made over $60,000 a year and yet the way he looked after all of us, I mean, he called my parents more than I did. He would cut my nephew's hair when he passed away. There was a little old lady down the street who I'd never met, who knocked on my door and said, I heard the gentleman here passed away. And I said, yes. She said, I'll really miss him. He used to rake my lawn and I didn't even know that, but that's how he was. Sometimes I think that we think more money means that we could do more. And he was testament that you can show up fully. So yeah, he just, it's, the loss is great, but not just mine. You know what I mean? But I'm just so blessed to have experienced that kind of love. I was loved so well that even without him being here, that love still resonates through me and around me and the people that he touched. So just really fortunate.

 

Mel Robbins (01:08:23):

We're really fortunate that we have you. Thank you for sharing that. Thank

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:08:27):

You.

 

Mel Robbins (01:08:28):

You're welcome. I, I feel very grateful that you are now my friend. Thank you. Thank you. And the thing is, is that when you don't understand money and you're going to make me cry, when you don't understand money and you're really scared about where you are, it clouds everything that's important until

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:08:52):

It comes crashing in your

 

Mel Robbins (01:08:53):

Face. And you wish that, and you spend all your emotional energy in that shame and you not only miss the solutions, but you're not present for your life

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:09:05):

Because there's so much joy to be had. Even if you don't have enough for your basic needs, obviously that's really hard. But for many people, that's actually not the case. That we are making ourselves sick and unhappy from a place of, you actually have enough and your kids are right here. They want to play with you. You actually have enough and your wife wants to watch a movie with you. Your parents want to see you. You actually have enough. And it's not going to be until they're gone that you're like, I wish I would have. And

 

(01:09:38):

So I am fortunate that something in me, I mean, I believe in a divine power. And a year and a half of before Dre passed away, there's this sense that came over me. You need to spend a lot of time with your husband. He wasn't sick or anything like that because I just was working so much. I mean, my business had hit eight figures in a year, and I was like, oh. And then something was like, yeah, making a lot, but also it was taking a toll. And it was like, I think you need to slow down and focus here. And so I did. So the last year and a half of my marriage went from good to great, and I'm so grateful that I listened to that inner thing that said Tiffany. So we had Friday date nights, I didn't work on Fridays, and I would stop working at five because he got off at five so we could hang out after work. I wasn't doing that before. I used to work from seven to 10 every day regardless. And so I look back at that time and I'm so grateful that he always loved me well, and I got to really love him well in that time. And so there's not much I regret other than I just wish she was here, obviously. But I think about our love. I think about all the things that we did together.

 

Mel Robbins (01:10:48):

That's beautiful.

 

Tiffany Aliche (01:10:49):

Yeah. But it's just, yeah. I'm sorry guys. I know. Why are you apologizing? No, I just don't want to bring the energy down.

 

Mel Robbins (01:11:00):

You didn't. You lifted it up. Thank you. You made it way more important, honestly. Thank you. No, thank you. Thank you.

(01:12:20):

Our family was so focused on saving and paying off debt that we didn't make those amazing family memories when he was alive. And I don't want to leave this earth without my kids having those memories with me. It makes you really stop and think, why are you working so hard if you never stop and allow yourself to actually enjoy it? I will never forget that conversation with Tiffany. And it has fundamentally changed the way that I think about money, the way I think about the importance of memories and time with the people that you love while you have it, and slowing down and allowing myself to enjoy the time that I have that rainbow that Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar was talking about. Because as I often say, there's an invisible clock that none of us can see. And so while you still got the time, I deeply truly hope you choose to make the most of it.

 

(01:13:33):

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending so much time with me this year. It's such an honor to be together with you, to take walks with you, to ride in the car with you. And I do not take your trust or the fact that you spend your time and your energy with me lightly. It is one of the greatest gifts that I've ever received in my life, and I'm going to do everything I can to make everything that we do next year even more amazing than the topics that we covered this year. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And one of the things that is extraordinarily clear from all of the experts and the time that we've spent together this year is that allowing yourself to enjoy what you have is one way that you can create a better life right now.

 

(01:14:29):

Alrighty, I'll see you in the next episode. And thank you for watching all the way to the end and for being here for this year of extraordinary Mel Robbins podcast episodes. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends. It means everything to me. One thing I want to ask of you, if I've ever made a difference in your life, if I've ever helped you out, I would love it if you had hit subscribe, and here's why. It's free and it's a way that you can support me. And I know you're the kind of person who loves supporting people who support you. So thank you, thank you. Thank you for doing it. It just shows me that you really enjoy what we're putting out. It supports the team and our ability to bring you more videos that help you change your life. And I know you're probably thinking, okay, I hit subscribe. Mel, tell me what video to watch next. You got it. I think you should check out this one, and I'm going to be waiting for you in it the moment you hit play.