Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence

(01:01):

I didn't start out this way. I may have had some swagger, but it was a bunch of bs. There's a difference between being loud on the outside and true grounded confidence on the inside. And one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about this is because I have been seeing so many questions come in from listeners around the world about confidence. How do you gain it? How do you keep it? How do you build it back when life knocks you down? And the fact is, confidence is a skill. It's a skill that you can learn. It's a skill that you can build. It's a skill that you need and deserve in your life. And once you understand the simple science and research about how you build the skill of confidence, you got it. You can tap into it anytime, anywhere, any way that you want, when you want it to show up in your life. And today, I'm taking your questions and I'm going to teach you the science of confidence so you can learn the skill. Let's go.

(02:12):

Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so excited that you're here. I love this topic because I wasn't always this confident. I was super insecure. I was a bit of a liar. Just go right out there and say that. And confident people do not lie. Had a lot of swagger, a lot of bowl bolstering. That's not confidence. Narcissism not confidence. True confidence is something you build from within. True confidence is a connection that you have to yourself and a belief in self. It's not about arrogance. And we're going to unpack this today because absolutely anyone can build the skill of confidence. And I love teaching this. I love the science around it. I love the simple steps you can take. And so I'm going to share all of that with you today. And I also want to say, if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

(03:52):

And this is a topic that is worth your time. And so let's just cut to the chase and I'm going to be super clear about this. Confidence is not something you're born with. It is not some magic trait that only a lucky few people have. Confidence is a skill. And just like any other skill, you can learn it, you can practice it and you can master it. And it doesn't matter where you're starting from. It doesn't matter if you feel stuck right now or you're unsure. It doesn't matter, by the way, if you think you're confident, because even if you think you're confident, there is a level that's deeper that you can access that is that quiet steely. Oh my God, you kind of scare people. Confidence. That's when you really start to master it when there's a peace in the amount of power and connection you have with yourself and faith that you have in yourself.

(04:57):

And so I don't care how you're showing up right now, whether life has knocked you down or you're listening because you've got a monster of a game to play and you know your friend Mel Robbins, I am a competitive MF when it comes to business. I do not screw around. I'm very intentional. You do not want to be on the other side of a business negotiation with me because you will lose. That is how confident I am. And so this is a skill I'm constantly working on. So if you're looking to level up your game or make more money, my friend are in the right place because you do those things not by bluster. You do those things by building steely confidence and faith and belief in yourself. That's how you do it. So here's what we're going to do in today's conversation. I'm just going to break it all down for you using questions from listeners around the world.

(05:45):

And we're going to go through the exact steps that can take you from feeling uncertain or stuck or insecure or beating yourself up or questioning or all of the BS that a lack of confidence creates in your to starting to build this skill So you can tap into it and start taking risks and start believing in yourself. Start taking different actions. Start speaking up for yourself. Start making more money. Start swinging for bigger clients. How about the confidence to leave the relationship that you know isn't right for you? How about them apples? I mean, that would be pretty cool, don't you think? How about the confidence to have some boundaries? How about the confidence to not take people's crap as much as you do? That'd be pretty awesome. I know it would be. So how about we dig into this? And one more thing, if you're sitting here listening to this, Daniel, God, I'd like to ask Mel a question. Great. Let's take the first step, mel robbins.com/podcast. Get in there and let's go. And speaking of going, it's time for us to get going on this masterclass. And here's how I want to start it. I want to start it by giving some credit to one of your fellow listeners. Her name is Heather and she is the one who submitted this question and it inspired me to have this conversation with you today.

Heather (06:59):

Hey Mel, it's Heather. I'm curious if you would consider doing a podcast on confidence and actionable steps to gain confidence, for instance, in the workplace when your role has expanded and currently are doing big things, but do not always feel confident or in line with the idea that you want and deserve to be there in that role. Love your podcast more than you'll ever know. 

(08:18):

And confidence is a topic and a skill that I want absolutely everybody to learn because based on the research, confidence is for all of us. Anybody can learn the five simple tools that are grounded in the research in order to build greater confidence, in order to break through self-doubt. The more that you build confidence in your life, the greater the ability to say no and not even be bothered by what other people are going to feel. Why? Because you realize you would rather be respected than be liked and see this need to be liked or to look good is part of the reason why you doubt yourself all the time. I want you to bring that power back internally. That's what the skill of confidence does. So I think it kind of begs the question, if confidence is something that we all want, why is it so hard to master?

(09:07):

I'll tell you why. Because when it comes to the research around confidence, it's some of the most dry, boring, no offense to the confidence researchers and writers out there, but I'm talking if you have trouble sleeping, just print out a study about confidence that'll put you into deep REM sleep. It's also confusing, and even Google isn't much of a help on this topic. If you search how to be confident, you know what the top results one of 'em says, be true to you, what the hell does that even mean? Be true to you and honestly be true to you? That is not what the research says the problem and why it's hard for people to develop the skill of confidence is the research has not been boiled down into tactical information that you can apply to your day-to-day life. And that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in.

(10:04):

So here's your first assignment on today's podcast because you know we're not just listening here. This is a doing podcast and we're going to make this tactical and relevant immediately. Assignment number one, I want you to listen a particular way. I want you to listen and think what's in it for me? And so let me ask you a question. If you had more confidence, like I could go and boom, you have more confidence than you've ever had in your entire life, how would your life be different? How would your future be different? Now, Heather has already shared that she has this awesome promotion, which she clearly earned. I mean businesses don't just give those out as charity. Charity. If a business has promoted or hired you, they believe in your ability to execute. But now she's freaking out. Now when you think about confidence, how would more confidence help Heather's life be different?

(11:03):

Well, confidence would allow Heather to step into that role and she would be able to lose the self-doubt and the imposter syndrome and the panicking, and she'd be able to act like the leader that the organization promoted her to be without all the nervousness and crap going on in her head. What about you? Let's get selfish. What would more confidence allow you to do that you're not currently doing? Would you be able to say no? Would you be better with boundaries? Are there more risks you would take? Is there a conversation you've been avoiding with yourself or someone else? Would you be able to stand up for yourself, advocate more for yourself, ask for what you need? What about work? Would you be more visible? Would you speak up more? All of that that you just envisioned, it's all within your reach. And so let's talk about something that Heather said.

(11:59):

Heather said in her question that she doesn't feel confident in the new role. I don't feel confident. And so I want to start by giving you a definition of confidence that will change your ability to build it as a skill. This definition of confidence I have been sharing for years, and I think I created it based on the research. I haven't really seen it out there before. And this definition is going to surprise you because it's a definition of confidence confide that puts the research into action. See, here's the mistake that everybody makes. Heather made the mistake because she said that I don't feel confident, and I bet you are making this mistake with confidence too, based on the research. That's where we get it wrong. Confidence is not a feeling. Confidence is embodied in action. My definition of confidence is confidence is the willingness to try.

(14:02):

So Heather is going to step into this new role. She's trying out a new role role. She's either going to be really good at it or she's going to be miserable at it. But here's the thing, if you try something for the first time, you're either going to fail or succeed, but you always learn something. And that's where this confidence competence loop and the neuroscience research comes in. Because even when you try, when you learn a little something, you gain a little competency, right? So the second time, because of everything that you learned the first time around, it gets a little bit easier, it gets a little bit better, but it all begins with being willing to try no matter where you're starting from. Because if you are the kind of person that's always willing to try, you'll always grow and you will always learn.

(14:53):

And the more that you try and the more that you learn, the less you doubt yourself, the less resistance that you have and bada bang bada boom, all of a sudden you feel confident in this new role. All of a sudden you feel confident doing a backflip off a boat because you try a thousand times and you belly flopped and you embarrassed yourself and you got a wedgie. And then what do you know? Because you were willing to keep trying. All of that competency gained of trying over and over and over and over again. It's how you gained mastery. Feeling confident is kind of, it's almost like the wrong way to say it because that's what you feel after you've done it over and over and over again. But true confidence begins the moment you're willing to try. Okay? And so I really think it's important.

(15:44):

I can give you another example. The first time somebody handed me chopsticks, I had no idea how to use them. Was I nervous about picking them up and I couldn't get my fingers to twist in the way that you're supposed to? And it was super embarrassed and they kept flipping across the table. And here's the thing, I didn't know how to use them, but isn't it common sense that there's no way I was going to learn how to use them if I wasn't willing to try see being confident? And the skill of confidence is the difference between saying, sure, hand me the chopsticks. I'd love to try. I'm willing to look like an idiot. I'm willing to be a beginner first versus going, can you get me a fork? I don't know how to use those. Do you see the difference? The skill begins with being willing to try.

(16:35):

You got to remember what you are seeing is a person on the Today Show who has been working hard for 10 years trying over and over and over and over, and learning and failing. That's what you're witnessing. You're witnessing competency, but the skill is something different. The skill of confidence is trying. Let me remind you of a fact. Everybody starts at zero. Everyone, whether you're trying to learn guitar or you're building a social media following, you're not going to feel confident. You are going to act in accordance with the research of confidence. You, my friend, are willing to try. That's the secret, and it took me a long time to learn this secret for myself, and I'm going to tell you all about the old Mel Robbins before she knew this. When we come back, welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and you and I are talking about building the skill of confidence by being willing to try.

(17:51):

And so I want to go back and tell you a story about the old Mel Robbins. A lot of you have seen my TEDx talks. So I have one of the most popular and most viewed TEDx talks in the world. I think it's got almost 30 million views at this point. It's a TED Talk called How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over. And if you watch my 21 minute Long TED Talk, you know what you're witnessing. You are witnessing a 21 minute long panic attack. That was the first official speech I had ever given in my entire life. I was terrified of public speaking. I've always been terrified of public speaking, and most people are terrified of public speaking. When I was in elementary school, middle school, high school, college law school, whenever I got called on in class, bright red, bright red, my mind would immediately go blank.

(18:46):

The only job I got out of law school was working for Legal Aid as a public defender in New York City. And when I had to stand in court all day talking to a judge and a bailiff and police officers and the prosecutor, I was so afraid of speaking out loud as a new attorney, I would get these monster neck rashes all over my neck and chest. The kind of rashes that people get when they're nervous or they've had too much to drink or they get an allergic reaction to food. That was Mel Robbins. The early years, you know how I dealt with that neck rash in that fear? I would wrap a scarf around my neck or I'd wear a turtleneck as an attempt to try to hide it. In fact, even when I became an on-air commentator for CNN, I was part of their legal team in terms of providing commentary for CNN.

(20:27):

And what neuroscience says is what you're actually experiencing when you can stand on a stage and you don't have a neck rash that looks like you just got stung by a bee and you're about to go into anaphylactic shock. When you can do that, you want to know why you can do that. It's because the number of times that you've tried have lowered the resistance in your own brain and body to doing it. And so it feels easier, it feels effortless. It's not that you quote feel more confident, it's that you've built up the competency so that you know how to do it without even thinking about it. By being willing to try, by taking the actions over and over, you removed the doubt. You removed the resistance. You built up knowledge and competency. Isn't that cool? This is so important. I want to give you another example.

(21:23):

So I was on the way to the airport the other day and I had this great Uber driver, and we got to talking because it was kind of a long way to the airport. And I hear all about her life and how she immigrated to the US when she was two and was in an orphanage and came here from Poland and we get to talking about dreams. And this woman, lemme tell you, she's a survivor, she's a fighter. She could do anything she put her mind to. And I said, so what's your big dream? And she said, I would love to have my own home. If I could buy my own home, a place to call mine, that would just be amazing. And I said, well, what's keeping you from working on it? She said, well, I just don't feel confident. I don't feel like I can do that.

(22:05):

I doubt myself. I doubt that I have enough money. And I said, I think you're making a big mistake. And she said, what do you mean? I said, well, you're sitting here talking about confidence is a feeling. What if I told you that confidence is an action? The definition of confidence is being willing to try, being willing to step towards something before you feel ready. The uber went silent. You could almost hear the wheels in her head turning, and all of a sudden she goes, oh, that part you just said, confidence is an action. Confidence is being willing to try. I never thought about it that way. That's incredible. And I said, well, what did you just get? She said, well, I've been sitting around doubting myself. I've been sitting around waiting to feel like it's going to be a certain time and that when I feel confident enough, then I'll start looking.

(23:45):

And I said to her, I said, look, most of these are going to be complete crap, but there will be 1, 2, 3, 4 videos in there that will give you the next right step. And if you keep taking the next right step, you will be taking the actions to create the dream that you have for yourself. That's how you do it. It was so freaking cool. And if you look at me and you're like, my friend Mel, she's so successful. How did she get that way? It's the exact same thing. It's because I'm willing to try. I'm willing to start at zero. I'm willing to keep showing up over and over and over again and trying and trying despite my doubt, despite my fire engine, red cheeks, despite my flush neck. And over time by doing exactly what I'm teaching you to do, I went from somebody who was terrified of public speaking to becoming one of the most talented, respected, and requested and booked public speakers in the entire world.

(24:47):

And that's what's available to you today. Whether you want to buy that first house and you've been doubting yourself or you want to get over your fear of public speaking or there's something else that you believe confidence is going to help you do. The other thing I want to talk about really quickly is I know that what you think you're up against Heather, and if you're struggling with confidence is that, oh, imposter syndrome. I got imposter syndrome because you haven't done this before. See, I see imposter syndrome is a really good thing because when you feel like an imposter in a role, that's just a fancy way of saying you're trying something new. And so starting today, if you're in the game of building confidence, everybody, you got to open your arms. You got to reach out for that imposter syndrome because if you don't have imposter syndrome, you're not doing anything uncomfortable.

(25:40):

And if there's one thing I've learned in life after 54 years is that it's only by making yourself face things that are uncomfortable, that you are going to grow into the best version of yourself. If you always do the things that you're comfortable doing, you will never, ever, ever experience what might be possible. You're not pushing yourself. And so I don't want you to fear imposter syndrome. I want you to see it as a good thing. Oh, I feel like an imposter. Great. I'm trying something new. This is confidence building. Here we go. And speaking of the myth that imposter syndrome is a bad thing. No, no, no, no, no. You're learning when it comes to building confidence, you got to embrace that imposter syndrome because it means you're trying and you're learning and you're gaining competency. And we love that around here, I'm going to teach you three other myths about confidence. I'm going to use a question from a listener named Alex to help us unpack it. But first, we're going to take a quick break for our sponsors because they helped me bring this toolkit to you at zero cost. And then we're going to be right back with Alex's question. And three myths about confidence.

(26:57):

Welcome back everybody. I'm Mel Robbins, and today we are talking confidence, the science, and most importantly, five tools, tools that you need in your life to build the skill of confidence. And we're about to jump into three myths related to confidence with a question from a listener named Alex.

Alex (27:15):

Hey Mel, it's Alex here. Can you talk about how to thrive around high achievers when you're not naturally an extrovert of someone with great confidence? I'm trying to succeed at university, and this is something I find super challenging.

Mel Robbins (27:29):

Alex, great question. And this allows us to talk about myth number one, about confidence. And that myth is that confident people are the loudest and most extroverted in the room. So first things first, Alex, stop beating yourself up because you're a little bit more introverted. And what I can tell based on your question is that you do want to be more visible. You do want to have a breakthrough in the skill of confidence because you do want to be somebody that's contributing your ideas. So I want to tell you the truth about confident people. Confident people are very often the quiet people in the room. There's a huge difference between confidence and bravado. They're not the same thing. Confidence has nothing to do with swagger. It has nothing to do with how much you talk or blab on and on in class. If you're truly confident, you don't have to prove anything to anybody because you know that confidence is simply being willing to try.

(28:39):

It's not about being extroverted or introverted. Confidence is not a personality trait. Confidence is a skill that you can build. And so I want you to also be honest with yourself. Go back to being selfish in this episode because you're talking about these high achievers and you're not naturally an extrovert if you're selfish. Alex, how would the skill of confidence change the way you're showing up? Because if you answer, oh, I would talk more in class. Oh, I would advocate more for my ideas. Oh, I would raise my hand and I would put my name in the ring for certain opportunities before stopping myself and thinking about it. Great. Use the definition of confidence now to push yourself to try those things that you believe that more confidence would be having you do. That's how you're going to build competency in those things you're not doing.