How To Reset Your Mind for Calm & Control

(01:10):

Hey, it's your friend, Mel. I am so excited that you're here. It is always an honor to spend time with you and to be together. If you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I know you're the type of person that values your time and you're also interested in learning about ways that you can improve your life. I love that. And so I want you to know that I think it's really cool that you chose to spend your time listening to the exact podcast that is going to help you do both of those things. So like I was telling you earlier, we moved our son Oakley into freshman year of college. And there was this moment where we were about to leave and all of a sudden he pulls out his childhood blankie, which at this point is basically a bunch of shreds of fabric.

 

(01:52):

And his beloved Teddy and I was so moved by this moment right before we were about to leave where he took Teddy and blankie out and he put them right front and center on his bed in front of his pillows. He didn't stick 'em behind the pillows, he didn't stuff him in a drawer. He proudly displayed these two things that he cares about right there. And the moment really struck me, and I think it struck me for two reasons. The first one, of course is I can remember when he was teeny and he'd be dragging these two things around. And if you've ever seen a kid that has a stuffed animal or a blankie and they're almost bigger than the kid, it's like they're going to fall. I just remember it was like yesterday and now he's six foot, like, gosh, should he six foot one?

 

(02:46):

And he's putting it up on his lofted bed and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, my little guy. And now he's in college and now these two little things that he was dragging around or going to school with him. And so I had this whole moment about how time is like a melting ice cube and it's just going so fast and I hate that. But the second thing that struck me is how much he cares about these two things. And what that represents and what it represents is this deep power of simple things that bring you comfort. And that's what we're going to talk about in this episode. And I'm going to use the story of Oakley and these two objects and some of the things that bring me comfort. And I'm going to invite you to think about all kinds of ways that you can bring the power of simple comforts into your day-to-day life.

 

(03:46):

And as you listen to the story and as we unpack some of the science, we're going to bring in a really well renowned psychiatrist from Harvard that you're going to just love. We're going to talk about the research on what's actually happening when you seek out comfort intentionally and why this is important. And we're going to attack this from two levels. The first thing that you and I are going to talk about is what comfort provides in your life, what's happening in your brain when you have things in your life that bring you comfort? And it could be anything, absolutely anything. It could be rituals that you do that bring you comfort at the beginning or end of the day. It could be a particular object. It could be something that you see or a sound or a smell or a taste. It could be a meal that you just love.

 

(04:37):

In fact, our daughter lives in Los Angeles and whenever she comes home to southern Vermont, there is a particular meal that she really wants me to cook. In fact, come to think of it just this morning, she texted me and asked me for this chili recipe that I make. Why? Because it brings her comfort. And the second thing that we're going to dig into, and this blew my mind when I was researching this topic, to be able to have this conversation with you that you and I know that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I'm showing up here all the time talking about the importance of taking risks, growing, stretching, the fact that you are designed to push through your fears and your excuses and learn new things and try new things. 

(06:21):

What is it that I would pack if I were going through some major life transition like college? And it struck me. There's a whole set of things that I take with me when I travel that bring me comfort. For example, I have this beige scarf. It's this big kind of Shaw thing, and it was given to me by a bunch of students in one of the courses that I teach online. This thing's got to be like six years old at this point. I take it everywhere. I never travel without it. And it has so many holes in it. You would think that a bunch of moths just took up residence inside this thing and had a party. And at this point, it's so tattered. I'm nervous that if I keep using it, it's going to just rip right in half. And so what I've started doing is instead of wearing it, I now pack it in my carry-on and I wear a different scarf.

 

(07:10):

I have a belt buckle that Chris gave me, and I've had this thing for a decade. I think he had it made online. And the belt buckle is really cool. It's probably like three inches long and an inch high, and it has a black and white photo on it of our kids. But here's the catch. The photo is a really old photo. It was taken when Oakley, who's now 19, was a baby, and Sawyer, who is our oldest, she's now 25. She was probably seven in this photo. And Kendall, who's now 24, she was six years old. And every single time I travel and every time I get on a stage to give a keynote speech, I wear that belt. People always comment whenever I wear it without fail, oh my gosh, I love that belt. Where did you get it? Are those your kids?

 

(07:57):

And then I point to it and I go, yeah, and she's 25 and he's 19 and she's 24. And you know what? I love this belt because it's the best way to travel with your kids. Gets a laugh every time. And the reason why I love this belt so much is that it makes me feel like my kids are with me. And that brings me a sense of comfort. And that's not all that I take when I travel. Over the years, as I've traveled around, especially around the United States and I've been giving keynote addresses at all these big corporate events, people come up to me and they give me little mementos that mean something to them that bring them comfort. And they give me these deeply personal things as a thank you for the impact that my work has made on them, whether it's the five second rule or the Let Them Theory or the High Five Habit or these podcast episodes.

 

(08:46):

And so I've started to take these little objects and I put 'em in my suitcase. I have medallions that signify somebody's sobriety. I have wristbands that are tributes to people that died. I have a brooch actually from a woman that gave it to me. It was her mother's brooch, and she gave it to me as a thank you because she had been really struggling with hoarding and she listened to something that we had put out on the podcast and it gave her the ability to start to declutter, de hoard, to get rid of things. And her ability to give me this broach was a sign of her growth and change. And so all of Lee's little objects now sit right in my suitcase and every time I open it up, whether I am here in southern Vermont and I'm packing it and I'm getting ready to go away on a trip or I'm in a hotel room and I'm unpacking things in my hotel room, when I see all these little objects, I feel like you're with me and I'm reminded of the impact of everything that I'm doing, and it makes me feel less lonely when I'm traveling and I'm on the road.

 

(09:57):

And for years I've been doing this and I've been thinking to myself, oh, it's no big deal. I got my scarf and I got my belt and I got my stuff in my suitcase. But it is a big deal. It turns out, based on the research, it's a very big deal. Things like Teddy and blankie, they not only give you comfort according to the research, comfort is essential for helping you create a better life, which is what you and I are going to dig deep into. In this podcast, I looked into the definition of comfort so that we could all just start with the same baseline understanding of what this word means. Comfort is a state of physical ease and freedom. Freedom from what? Freedom from stress. Freedom from the things that are weighing you down, things that bring you comfort are positive, amazing things.

 

(10:48):

It's like you see it and your stress for the moment disappears. There's not a single thing that you would say that brings you comfort that is going to be stressful. It's the opposite, right? It's recharging. You feel this refueling and this sort of powering up that happens. And comfort in that regard gives you the strength to face life's challenges. It gives you the ability to take risks. It can remind you of who you are. It can give you a sense of peace in the middle of the storm. And as I was really digging into this topic of what is comfort and why is it so important in our day-to-day life and how is it that it makes you stronger as a person? I just kept thinking about Oakley and how when we dropped him off, I wasn't surprised, honestly that he brought Blanky and Teddy along, but I was surprised about how he displayed them so proudly, front and center, no shame, no embarrassment.

 

(11:50):

He didn't stuff 'em in a drawer. He didn't hide them the top of the closet. He didn't cram 'em behind his pillows so nobody would see, oh, no way he put them front and center. There was no doubt in his mind that Blanky and Teddy were going to go to college with him. In fact, when you walk into his dorm room, his bed is right there in front of the door. They are the very first thing that you will see when you go into his room. And when I thought about it, this wasn't just some random choice on his part, he was intentional. He was bringing a piece of home with him, something predictable, something familiar, something that brings him comfort. Doesn't that make a lot of sense when you stop and think about it, but you want to know what's really fascinating about this is that by Oakley placing Blankie and Teddy on his bed just like they were here at home, this isn't just some cute childish gesture, gesture.

 

(12:49):

This was his brain's way of saying, everything's okay. You're safe here. That's what comfort rituals do. They ground you. They bring predictability in moments of chaos. And it's the exact same thing when I really stop and think about it that I feel when I open up my suitcase and I'm in yet another hotel room alone, it brings this sense of peace and it makes me feel better. I can remember when Oakley was little. In fact, I remember when he got blankie and Teddy blankie was this beautiful gift from all of my girlfriends. We were all raisin, our kids at the same time in this great little town outside of Boston, Massachusetts. And they had had it monogrammed with his name Oakley on it, and they had even bought blankie from our friend Carolyn, who at the time had this little trunk show business where she was selling kids clothing.

 

(13:50):

And so it was this deeply meaningful gift for my friends that was there for him waiting for him when we brought him home from the hospital. And you want to know what blankie has been with Okie every step of the way. Seriously, when he was little in a car seat, I would tuck blankie around him in his car seat, and when he started to walk, he would drag that sucker cross the ground everywhere he went. In fact, if I hit that thing with blue light, I am not sure what the heck we would find on that thing, but I'm sure it would be disgusting even though I wash it every chance I can rip it from him. It was not only the blanket, but the actual ritual of touching it that brought him comfort when he was little and he was nervous. He would just rub the ends of it.

 

(14:36):

I bet this is making you think about yourself and what you maybe did with a KY or what you saw your kids or your brother or your sister do. And now his blanky has just frayed all around the edges. And this little rubbing thing, it's called tactile grounding. There's no doubt in my mind that the science is very real about how powerful this is. And Teddy probably even more meaningful because after Oak was born, he had this life-threatening thing happen to him when he was five days old and he had to be rushed by ambulance to Mass General Hospital in Boston. They admitted him to the nicu and it turned out that he had been born with this disease called Hirsch Brown's disease, which basically means parts of his colon and his intestines weren't working. We were so lucky that we caught it before his intestines ruptured, which would've killed him.

 

(15:25):

So he was at Mass General for 30 days in the NICU, having surgeries on his plumbing, and Teddy was in the NICU in the crib with them the entire time. So these two Teddy and lanky, they have been Oaks companions on the road to life for 19 years. And by bringing them to college, he wasn't holding onto his childhood. He was doing something way more powerful, something that you and I need to do. He was creating comfort in a brand new environment, a space that's unfamiliar, stressful, and unpredictable. And I want to stay here for a moment longer because I was so interested in this moment and the level of comfort that Blankie and Teddy provide to oak that I called him. And I asked him to explain in his words, what is your relationship to Teddy and blankie? What emotions do you feel and how do they bring you comfort? So he recorded his answers to those questions in his dorm room for you. Let's take a listen.

(17:45):

This white cloth used to be the full front of it, but I ripped it off over time. Every single corner is mauled and gross and linty and everything. These are gross. These are not cool. I mean, they're cool to me and they mean a lot to me. However, I still put them up on my bed and I put them out for the world to see because there's no shame. There's no shame in it.

 

Mel Robbins (18:17):

I just love that he said he cares about these two things and that he put 'em up on his bed and there's no shame. And this is a very important thing to expand upon because you and I are so hard driving. I mean, you listen to this podcast because you want to improve your life and you value your time, and I do too. And you're looking for ways to do that. And I know you're probably thinking, Mel, what are you going to say? I got to take a stuffed animal to work. What the heck? I'm not saying that, but I really want you to think about this in moments of challenge, in moments of stress, in moments of major life changes or in moments where you're in a completely new place, what do you immediately want to do? You want to try to comfort yourself.

 

(19:07):

One of the first things I do if I'm in a new environment is I want to try to make it feel more comfortable, more like my home. And think about the word home. Home is a place where you feel safe. And by the way, comfort is not just about childhood items, not at all. It's about creating small moments of comfort in your everyday life. Maybe for you that means a smell of your favorite candle when you get home, maybe it's this cozy blanket that you throw over your lap when you're reading a book or you're watching tv, or maybe it's petting your dog. I mean, that makes you feel warm and cozy, doesn't it? 

(20:18):

You've got this blanket that you love. You have this tea that you love to drink. You love the sound of something when life feels overwhelming, when something is new or when you're exhausted or you just feel like you want to, what's that word? Nest a little bit and just snuggle in. What is it that you reach for? I mean, it could be as simple as a clean organized space or that quiet moment where you just sit down at the end of the day and you breathe for a second or a favorite window that you look out of. And these small comfort sends signals to your brain that say, Hey, it's okay. Things are under control, helping you to stay grounded and focused. But here's the coolest part, this is all wired into your brain circuitry and your nervous system already. Every time you experience something familiar like seeing blanky or taking a sip of your favorite drink, you know what happens?

 

(21:21):

Your brain's dopamine pathways light up and dopamine, I'm sure it's a word you're familiar with, but if not, it's a neurotransmitter fancy word, just plays a key role in how we experience pleasure, motivation, and reward. And when you engage in comforting rituals, your brain releases dopamine, which tells you, Hey, this feels good. Seeing Teddy and blankie feels good, sitting on my couch under my blanket feels good, spending some time hugging, my dog feels good. Keep doing this. This isn't just like a feel good thing every day. This is a tool you can use to help you move through major changes in life. Because just think about oak. When he comes back into his dorm room and the first thing he sees is blankie and teddy, his brain releases dopamine that feel-good chemical and it signals everything's fine. Just a little bit of comfort. You can drop in, everything's fine.

 

(22:23):

So the next time you feel overwhelmed or anxious or you got way too much going on at work or school or life, remember, little comfort items or rituals are working on a deep biological level to help you feel grounded right now. And when your brain is in that calm, familiar space, it is better equipped to handle the bigger challenges that you're facing in life right now. So that brings me back to a huge takeaway and why I really want you and I to get more intentional about this topic, because comfort just isn't about relaxation. That is just the icing on the cake. The real juicy part of it is that it's your brain's way of creating stability, focus, and strength to help you through life. What is that thing that creates comfort for you? Do you have something in mind? Is there a place that you stop on the way home from work that brings you comfort?

 

(23:21):

Is there a place that you stop on your way to school that brings you comfort? Maybe there's a photo of your family on your desk or some figurine or mento or favorite mug that brings you comfort at work. It's not about the thing. It's truly about cultivating the feeling inside yourself and activating this resource inside your body. I don't care about the fact that my scarf looks ridiculous. I drag that thing everywhere with me. I love thinking about my scarf that way because it truly elevates this stuff in your life from something childish to something that is essential to your happiness, your mental health, your sense of grounding and your safety in life. And the second reason why I love this is because people don't care what brings you comfort. You think they care, but they don't care. In fact, when I said to oak, are you nervous about all these new people walking in your room? You've never met them before, and they're going to see that you have Teddy and Blanky on your bed. This is what he had to say about that.

 

Oakley Robbins (24:26):

There's no one walking into the dorm and looking at them and going, oh my God, you're such a child. Or that's so weird because people understand the importance of comfort. And especially in a place like college where you don't have your normal sense of comfort, you don't have your own bedroom, you don't have your old friends, your family, you don't have the things that you love and know it's important to have things that are comforting, like stuffed animals. I would just like to say that if there is something in your life that is comforting and you feel like you cannot be without it, then be with it.

 

Mel Robbins (25:05):

Did you hear that last line? So good. If there's something in your life that brings you comfort and you can't live without it, be with it. And there's zero shame in it. And what I also loved about what Oakley was reflecting on is that nobody cares because everybody understands the power of things that bring you comfort. So whatever it is that you need, whether it's in your suitcase or on your way to work, or on your way to school or on your way home, at the end of the day, whatever it is that brings you comfort, be with it and truly understand the power in owning that and providing that for yourself. And one of the things that I love about digging into this topic is it elevates and highlights the importance of creating these moments and being aware of this for yourself. The more deliberate you are about the power of simple day-to-day comforts, the more powerful you are going to feel.

(27:09):

When you stretch yourself, whether you're going through a big life change like Oakley's going through right now at college, and I'm going through a big life change because we're now empty nesters, or whether you're going through a big life change because you're taking on a new job or maybe you're going through a breakup or whatever it may be, as you stretch through this new change, that's what change does to you. It stretches you and it stretches you because you're having to learn new behaviors, new neural pathway. And as you're learning all these new patterns and behaviors and pathways in your life and stretch yourself as you push through this challenge, and it could be any kind of challenge, it could be a physical challenge, it could be a creative project that you're working on every time you stretch. I want you to think about that rubber band and how a rubber band stretches.

 

(27:59):

And then I want you to remember there's always that moment where it retracts and resets. You're the exact same way. If you stretch continuously, you'll snap and break. You have to reset the human brain. Body and spirit has to have this moment of refuel and reset after you've stretched yourself. And this is all based on fascinating research about how your brain works, about habits are formed, how you learn new information, how your body resets itself. It is well-documented that you have a need to refuel and reset, and that's where the power of simple comforts come in. You and I spend a lot of time talking about pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, learning how to take those big risks that change your life, like applying for that big job or going out to dinner to that nice restaurant alone, trying improv, asking that person out, sharing a message or a personal story on social media, auditioning for an orchestra as an adult, taking a ballroom dancing class, asking someone to mentor you.

 

(29:10):

Anytime you do something out of your comfort zone, remember that rubber band is stretching and you're designed to do that. And let's face it, growth doesn't happen when you're just coasting along, comfortable in your routine doing the same old, same old, and it's so easy to just default to what you always do, what's familiar and never stretch yourself like that rubber band in your life. 

(30:02):

And today I am reminding you that resetting and allowing yourself to drop in and rest and feel comfort, it is just as important as the stretch because they go hand in hand. Just like when you're building a muscle in the gym. You can't just pump iron 24 hours a day. You have to rest it after a workout. And you want to know a really interesting fact about this as you think about a rubber band stretching and then bouncing back into shape. Do you want to know when you lock in new habits and memories and you actually lock in learning? It's not While you're stretching and you're practicing the new habits, or you're studying the new material, or you're doing the new skill, you actually lock it in while you're sleeping. Doesn't happen when you're awake. Doesn't happen when you're stretching. It happens when you're comfortable.

 

(31:02):

It happens when you're resting. See, you are designed to go through periods of stretching, but then you need a period of rest and comfort so you can refuel and you want to know the best ways to refuel. It's to come back to something that gives you comfort. When I think about my own life, one of the things that has always given me comfort when I'm going through a stressful time or I'm stretching myself and I'm out over the tips of my skis and I need some reassurance, I call my parents. How many times have you called home for some comfort or just to hear someone's voice? This is true. And if your parents are no longer here, I'm sure you wish they were because you know the power of being able to see them or talk to them, and you can feel the comfort that it brings you.