The Ultimate Advice for Your Next Chapter (After Your Kids Have Left Home)

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And the third challenge is what happens when you're moving this hard transition and your child is really struggling? Now, these are all extremely common challenges. If you're facing any of them, you're not alone and you have everything that you need within you to not only meet this challenge, but to rise to it. But the first thing that I want you to do is to recognize that this is in fact an additional issue that you're dealing with right now and that it compounds the nature of how you move through this transition. And it also requires you to do something. You have to take full responsibility for how you're going to show up and move through this and face it head on. Because just like nobody can spread your wings and fly for you, nobody can face these challenges for you either. So don't be surprised that if the kids have left and the issues that you've been avoiding or ignoring are now kind of adding to this sense of emptiness or fear that you have.

 

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This is very common because the emptiness may not just be the house. It can be this sense that along the way you lost a little bit of yourself. I mean, it is so easy to get caught up in the role of being a parent and caring for everyone else that you forget that you're also a person who has very real needs. And this new chapter of your life is an opportunity for you to truly understand what your needs are, to learn how to put yourself first while still being supported of the people you love and do the work to create one of the most exciting and fulfilling chapters of your life yet. So let's talk about these three challenges and the opportunity that they create for you to become more of who you're meant to be. And that very first challenge is when you realize in this emptiness that your entire sense of purpose was your children.

 

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And I got to just reaffirm something I already told you, you earned a gold medal, you parented the heck out of those kids. And I love it when I see people who are bragging about their kids or they went to this college. I'm like, good job mom, good job, dad, good job, grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, everybody. And I'm saying it to you too. And now I want to say something else to you and to me. You are not put on this earth to be a wife or a husband or a mother or a father. Those are roles that you play. They are just one of the amazing things that you do in life, and you did that role so well, and you're going to continue to do an incredible job because remember what I said, that you're on a parallel path with your kids. One of the things that your son and daughter is going to learn, whether it's in the college experience or going right into the workforce or going into the military, is they're going to learn that they are more than a son or a daughter.

 

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So if you feel like you've been lost in your identity of being a parent, this is such a common experience and it's easy to do. I mean, think about the logistics and the carpooling and the team sports and the college shirts and the friends and the packing and the this and the that and the forms and the financial aid and being there and attending all the games and supporting everyone. And I have some news for you, you're not done with that. Just because they left the nest doesn't mean they're not coming back. And as they get older, what I have found is that the problems just get bigger and more expensive. However, what I'm seeing with friends of mine and what I'm seeing a lot of in the inbox@melrobbins.com is that this lack of purpose is a really big part of the challenge that you're facing when your kids leave.

 

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And that's making this transition even harder. And maybe you're having a moment of honesty with yourself. Maybe you're thinking, this is something I've avoided dealing with for a long time and I knew this day is coming and now it's here. So let's talk about how you find purpose in this moment because everything that we already discussed about change being hard and the process of your body learning new patterns that still applies, that experience of learning how to be with that quiet or that deafening silence, there's no avoiding that. That's just you having to adjust to new patterns and you got to give it a month or two. But when you lack purpose, there's a second thing that's sort of looming in the background that you feel it's this sense of paralysis that you don't know what to do. It's a lack of direction because you either are not sure how to move forward or maybe you loved your old life so much, you don't really want to have to, you're kind of sad that this part of your life is over.

 

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Getting your kids into college was your north star. And I'm pointing to this and validating it because there are two things you have to do at the same time. If purpose is missing first, you're going to have to go through the process of managing change. You're going to have to give yourself the grace and the time and use language to affirm that you're just going through the process of learning new patterns. This feeling is going to be temporary. You are built to do this, and it is absolutely going to get better and better. But you also have to do a second thing at the same time, which is address the problem of having a lack of purpose head on. And even though I said problem, it's not a problem. This is a huge opportunity and I want to address this in two camps. First, I want to talk to you if you already have a sense of what your purpose might be.

 

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Maybe you've been putting off a career as a realtor or waiting to write that book or to go back to school or to pursue your art, or there was something that you were kind of waiting on until they left and I got to say something. Whatever it is, you spread those wings and you start flapping baby and you start flying toward it. That is your job to leave the nest every day and fly a little bit forward toward that thing. And don't you ever, ever, ever say, you're too old. Don't you dare let your friends Mel Robbins catch you saying that. I want to remind you, I started this podcast when I was 54 years old and I had two kids that had left the nest. And so if I can do it, you can start something new too. So flap those wings because really stepping into that purpose, grabbing that spoon, spreading those wings and starting to shovel that snow in a new direction, it's going to improve your life.

 

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It will fill things up. So if you know, go however I'm seeing, there are a lot of you who do not know what to fill that empty space up with and not knowing just leaves you more paralyzed. So I've got a couple specific things that I want you to do. If you have no clue what direction to head in, you're standing at the edge of the nest, you got your wings out, you're like, what direction do I fly? Get me out of here. I got to do something. Here's number one, ask your kids the next time they call home, say, Hey buddy, I got a question for you. If you got to choose what I were to focus the next five years of my life, dedicate my life to, what would you recommend I do? You know me better than anyone else. And by the way, if you're listening to me right now and you have a parent who hasn't figured this out, whether they just dropped you off at college or they just got a divorce, will you send them this episode, please?

 

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I know they send you episodes of this podcast all the time. This is one of those that you can return the favor and say, see, here you go, mom or dad, you need to listen to this. And you can also tell them, I think you really should go back to school, mom. I think you really should do your art, mom, dad, I think you really should hike the Appalachian Trail. Whatever it is that's in your heart, tell them, give them permission. Second, there's a full proof way that you can figure out a sense of direction If you have no idea what your purpose purposes, simply focus on improving yourself. If at any moment in your life you don't know what direction to head in, turn inward, your purpose is you, all those things you've never had time for taking care of yourself, walking every day, getting in better shape, being kinder to yourself, locking in a great morning routine, listening to podcasts, reading a book a month, getting the kitten you've always wanted.

 

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If you wanted a cat, I don't know what you want. I'm just making things up here. Absolutely anything, absolutely anything that helps you be a better you. That is the most important purpose you could ever have in life because over and over and over again, what I've discovered is that when I make bettering myself my purpose, I always bump into something bigger than me. And that brings me to the third thing that you can do if you feel a sense of lack of purpose. Go volunteer. Go volunteer. If you can't be of service to yourself, be of service to someone else. My husband is a death doula and he volunteers for hospice. And I'll tell you something, sitting with someone at the end of their life will certainly wake you up and make you see you have not died. And it is time to stop acting like you have.

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These are the conversations you've been avoiding, the issues that you knew you needed to deal with have been swept under the rug and now you're tripping over 'em. You stuck it out. But now that everybody's gone, there's no running from 'em. What you've avoided is staring at you in the face, and they're usually wearing a really ugly pair of sweatpants when they're doing it. You know what I'm talking about? Because the things that you ignore always become the battles you have to fight later and the day has come. But I'm here to tell you you're going to win. It is so common to have this, oh my god moment when the kids leave because you haven't been in a marriage, you've been in a throuple or a quadruple or a quintuplet because you and your spouse have always had these kids running around and in between and all over the place and distracting you.

 

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And now that it's just the two of you, you get to decide whether or not you're going to any challenges like amazing opportunity or a deal breaker. So the question is, what do you do if your relationship feels like roommates or you realize there are some big issues here, we've avoided all along, or maybe you're realizing I don't even like this person. I'm not sure I want to be married anymore. These are all really good questions. And in order to get to the right answer for you, I want to start with a simple truth. People only change when they feel like changing. So the single best thing that you can do right now is realize you are not going to change your spouse, period. Only your spouse can do that for themselves. The only thing that you can control is what you decide to change about yourself, how you show up what you want to work on.

 

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Because a healthy relationship requires two things to be present. It requires two people who want it to work, and two people who are both willing to put in the work to make it work. And there is no doubt in my mind that if you and your partner want to work on it and you're both willing to do the work, you can make your relationship amazing. That's what my husband and I are doing. I'm not leaving this to chance. I called in the heavies, we went to see a couple's therapist, and it's really help because even though our relationship was good, we lost part of our connection because of the demands of parenting. And I think it happens to everyone. And I heard this thing recently that was so amazing. I heard somebody say, I'm on my second marriage. It's just with the same person. Isn't that kind of cool to think that you could create a second marriage with the same person?

 

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I fricking love that. And here's the thing though, if they're not willing to put in the work, then you got to get honest with yourself because you should assume they're never going to change. But I didn't say you couldn't change. See, when you invest in yourself, you can become a happier. You. Do not focus on your spouse being happier. They're not the source of your happiness, especially if they're not willing to do the work to get better. The fastest way to make your relationship happier is to make yourself happier within your own life. And when you do that, life has a funny way of sorting out the relationship because now that you're happy, your relationship does not have to be the sole source of your happiness. And another thing happens when you're happier. You raise your standards for what you accept and allow in your life.

 

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So now let's talk about being single and how that deafening silence that happens during this transition will become magnified if you're already feeling lonely. And you have to take this very seriously because you cannot expect friendship to just fall out of the sky. You cannot expect a relationship to just land in your lap. You have to take responsibility for it. You have to take responsibility for creating your social life and your love life and isolating yourself right now. It is only going to magnify the loneliness you feel. And if you think change is hard now, it's going to be way harder in two months when you're sitting in your house alone and your son or daughter is no longer calling or texting you because they leaned into their life when you didn't. And as your friend, I'm not going to water down what I need to say to you.

 

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Everyone is struggling with adult friendship. You got to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and you got to get to work, and you have to take this seriously because friendship matters and you deserve amazing friends. In fact, I have done a ton of episodes on adult friendships because I've struggled with this topic recently in my own life. And the episodes, they're all going to be linked in the resources. And as soon as you are done listening to this episode, you better giddy up down to those resources and clicky. Click on those links and queue up all those episodes and listen to them and then make a plan. Follow the advice to a T because while your child is off making new friends and going to parties and watching games and learning and having all these new experiences, so shall you. But only if you force yourself to, which brings me to that rule I shared earlier, get out of your house once a day.

 

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Do not allow yourself to learn a pattern of becoming a hermit. And I'm also going to tell you that my next book comes out. It's called the Let Them Theory on January one, and you better have that puppy in your hands because there's an entire section about using the Let Them Theory to create the best friendships of your life. I wrote it for you. The bottom line is the best chapter of your life is beginning right now. Yes, the first 30 days are going to be a little rocky. You're going to get through it, but the most amazing people in your life, they're ahead of you. They're not behind you. You haven't met them yet, and you're going to meet them after your kids leave. And isn't that exciting to think about? And you want to know what's even more exciting, the best years of your love life happen after your kids leave. 

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But your child is not. They're calling home all the time. They're homesick. They want to transfer. And by the way, this doesn't just happen to freshmen. Every major change that your child goes through, they're going to struggle with it. In our household, for example, sophomore year was the disastrous year for one of our kids, for another one of our kids. It was junior year of college that blew, and don't even get me started, about how difficult the transition is once they graduate and they have to enter the real world. But the question is, how do you handle an adult child who is using you as a human life raft to keep them afloat while the waters of their life feel rocky? When a kid struggles with this transition, it sounds exactly the same. I hate it here. Everybody has friends. I haven't found my people.

 

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Nobody likes me. Everybody's already clicked up and grouped up. This isn't my place. I'm not having fun. I miss you all the time. I hate being alone in my room. I really want to transfer. This is not the place for me. I guarantee you, if these words are coming out of their mouth, if the tears are falling down their cheeks, I want to tell you what they're doing When they're not crying with you on the phone, they're spending a lot of time in their dorm room alone and a lot of time on their phone looking at what their high school friends are doing. And if you're the kind of person who gets sucked into this, you're in deep trouble. And so are they. Because it's one thing to support someone as they're finding their wings and learning to fly. It's another thing to leap out of your nest and try to grab 'em in midair and lift them up with your own wings.

 

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Some little birds need to hit the ground in order to take flight. It's that struggle and going through it. That's what they need. It's learning how to face a challenging situation and become stronger than the things that you fear in your head. Remember I said that the hardest thing about change is that you have to go through it, and it is a difficult experience in life to watch someone struggle through the process of change. You can't do it for 'em, but maybe your child needs to cry it out for a week or a month and be alone in their dorm room until they realize they're sick of being sad, and they finally hit the bottom of that curve and they head out and up and into the quad they can do this renowned Harvard psychiatrist, Dr. Waldinger said to me, do not shield the people you love from the consequences of what they choose.

 

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They chose to go to college. You didn't force 'em there. You didn't drag them there and shackle them to their dorm bed they wanted to go. The problem is you care so much that you then try to solve their problems. And here's the big picture reason why this is a problem. Every time you do that, you're training them to expect you to rescue them. And I'm going to give you a really subtle example of how this is playing out in own life, right? Now and how I'm trying to remind myself that rescuing is not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to support them in their own problem solving. So when Oak was about to head off to school, there were all these immunization forms that we needed to find. It was this whole song and dance. And we finally got the email from his doc and we emailed them to him, and I guess it's like a big deal because he needs to get them submitted for his meal plan.

 

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I don't know, going on. He calls Chris, he calls me, he calls Chris, he calls me, and I finally get on the phone with him and he's like, I don't know what to do with these immunization forms. The old me, you know what I would've done? I'll tell you what, I would've spread those wings. I would've flapped right to the phone. I would've been busy trying to do it. I would've handled it. I would've spent hours tracking down the right person. Then I would've tried to log onto some portal that I didn't have access to in order to be in there. But you know what I did? Instead? I stayed in the nest and I said, well, what do you think you should do?

 

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That's a question you should ask your kid all the time. The next time they call you crying, the next time they call to complain or unload, listen for a little bit. And they'll be like, what do you think you should do? Oh, all your friends for high school are having way more fun than you are. What do you think you should do? Oh, you think you're at the wrong school? What do you think you should do? Oh, you don't have any friends? What do you think you should do? They know what they should do, they just don't want to do it. So I asked Oakley, what do you think you should do? I dunno. And I said, well, who sent you the immunization forms? My doctor? Great. Are there doctors on campus say at the student health center? Yes. Do you think maybe you could walk there and show them the email of the immunization forms and ask for help? Yeah. I said, that's a great idea and if you run into any problems, let us know. I didn't solve it. I supported him in solving it for himself. Big difference because imagine if I had said, no problem oak. I got it. And then I spent all these hours figuring it out for him. Guess what happens the next time he has something that he's not quite sure what he should do? Let's say he decides he doesn't want to be a business major.

 

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Instead of asking himself, what should I do instead of him answering it for himself, maybe I should go into the dean of students. Maybe I should walk into the registrar's office. If I keep solving his problems, he's going to call me. That's going to be the answer to everything. And one of the things to keep in mind is that you're training your child to think for themselves. You're training them to do the hard things and to face their fears so that they can learn. They can rely on themselves instead of constantly checking in with you. Your kids are way smarter than you are giving them credit for, and you know how they figure it out. They figure it out faster when you're not constantly on speed dial. And the great thing about college is that there's so many resources available to them. People's job is to help them solve problems.

 

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I mean, maybe that's why it costs so much. There's so much help there. And unless you're the registrar at your kid's university, you don't know the answer. So untrain them and untrain yourself from this pattern of treating you like a human Google. But let's just say that your kid is really struggling. That was me when I was in my first semester of college, I had a full-blown homesickness, panic attack, mental health breakdown, and this was way before people had a word for what I was feeling. We didn't call those kinds of feelings. Anxiety, I'm sure people were just like, well, she's weird. Glad she's not my roommate. What a freak. And the best advice that I have heard on the topic of anxiety comes from another Harvard professor, Dr. Luana Marquez. The more you allow someone to avoid the things that they're anxious to do, the bigger their anxiety gets.

 

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And this is really important because one of the big things with anxiety and depression is rumination, which is constantly thinking about or talking about your problems. And the reason why it is a bad, scary habit to get into where you are ruminating on something is that the more someone talks about their problems and how they feel and the sadness and the this and the that, the more entrenched they become in it. And if you personally struggle with anxiety and now your kid is showing signs of it, this boundary is going to be very difficult for you to do because it's going to feel like you're abandoning your kid and you're throwing them to the wolves and they're drowning out there and you need to rescue them. No, this is a moment where you are reminding your child that they have wings and it's time to use them and to trust them even though they're scared to and until they let go and turn toward the thing they're scared to go do.

 

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Whether it's go meet people, go talk to your ra, go walk down to the student health center and talk to a therapist. Go explore areas of your campus for crying out loud. Get off your phone. And your life is not where your high school friends are at their schools. It's where you are. Every time you tell them to do that, you are encouraging them to fly that they are ready even though they don't feel ready, even though they don't want to. This was certainly true for me. My mom entertained my daily collect phone calls from the payphone and the dorm hallway for exactly two weeks. And then finally one day, I'll tell you what, she threw a bird fit. You want to talk about an empty nest theme, bird fit? She was so frustrated with me and she was like, stop calling me and go make some friends. You're not in freaking jail if you keep calling me. I'm going to tell you what's going to happen when you come home for Thanksgiving, you're staying home, you're going to community college. So get off this phone and get your butt out of that dorm and go make some friends click.

 

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She kicked me out of that nest with that phone call. It was the tough love that I needed. But I'll tell you what, by that afternoon, I was a completely different person because I no longer had her as an outlet to avoid what I knew I needed to be doing, which was putting myself out there and making myself feel the discomfort and introducing myself to people and just moving through the normal experience of change, which is hard for all of us. Why? Because you have to go through it. And every single time you entertain that call, you're making them feel like their emotions and their fear are correct. You're making them believe they can't handle it, that this isn't the right school, that their people aren't here. And so validate how they're feeling for sure, but as they're done crying it out, you have to say, what do you think you could do right now?

 

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What's one thing that would make you feel better? And every time you do that, you know what you're showing them. You're showing them that you believe in them, you believe in their ability to face this and that they've got their wings. They just need to start flapping them and they'll learn how to fly. And you want to know something really cool is that yesterday as I was sitting down and I was trying to kind of just process the experience and figure out what I wanted to say to you, I got a text from a friend of mine. Her name is Kathy aic, and you want to know how I met her? Her daughter and my daughter lived together at USC. They were roommates. We bonded over the experience and now we're empty nesters. We launched our little birds out to Los Angeles and we've remained really good friends and stayed in touch even though our daughters have since graduated.

 

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And she was writing to me like so many of you do, just yesterday asking me to cover the topic of dealing with an empty nest. And I was like, Kathy, I love it when the universe does this. This is a sign. I cannot believe you're texting me. I'm working on an episode about that exact topic that I am going to record in less than 24 hours. And then I said to her, why don't you just put a few thoughts about what you're thinking about what you're struggling with into a text with me, because I would love to hear about your experience and that's going to help me make this episode even better. And I'll tell you what, my friend Kathy, she not only shared her thoughts with me, but she wrote me such a beautiful text that it reads like a poem and I want to share it with you.

 

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If you've ever examined a bird's nest from its beginning to end, it truly mirrors parenting a day in, day out focus with time to create using sticks, random items, and possibly some kind of concocted clay that we call home in a location. We feel comfortable to stash away what's precious. Our babies. Once developing, we flit in and out for work and to-dos. Then we provide warmth to help them grow our body in parenting while hunting for food like groceries, and preparing affordable nutrition. The unending meals as our young gain, their feathers, voice size and strength. Then somehow against our desire to shield, we intuit the need to nudge our deeply coveted offspring over the tattered rim of aged twigs, only to watch each one flap wildly and land a bit hard, possibly quite abrupt as they take new unsteady steps away from our safety as the nest empties.

 

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One by one, they aren't perfectly prepared. With each vacancy there is more space is this new empty, a calm, quiet, a healthy shift, a sad loss, a thankful prayer, or a lonely void. Each nest holds its own intensely personal story. Some chicks needed to go sooner, others, much later, some older others younger, some nests just held one. Others were stuffed with many. But eventually each nest often becomes empty with only remnants of what Once was a scattering of old baby feathers, pieces of broken shell, dislodged, twigs, dusty hardness and weathered debris. A clear sign that it was messy, but we gave it our all the best. Each of us knew with the minimal tools we had alone. Now I sit exhausted of the racing schedule now with time to read and walk, yet a guttural ache misses the noise, the mess, and the warmth.

 

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I am anxious and guilty that I find a welcome peace and stillness, and yet can't deny the loneliness of the unknown. Tomorrows ironically, I'm now standing at the edge of the empty memory filled nest thinking to my wise old self. Do I replace some of the twigs, get some new clay and find solace in this present spot? Just spend my days moving my eyes about engaging the neighbors when I desire, while anticipating grand chicks return? Or do I take a big breath, spread these yearning wings and soar to different heights, discovering fresh branches in which to land or shoot off for a short, adventurous glide, making my way back here to the same comfortable body worn nest and chirp quietly with each sunset? Who knows what I do know I'm good enough just the way I am, whether I'm doing or being or laughing or crying, changing or stagnant? Because right now I'm flapping wildly until I land on these newly found wise and seasoned feet.

 

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Doesn't it make you feel better to know that we are going through this together? I know it makes me feel better knowing that you're here with me. And that's why I said at the very beginning, the conversation today was going to be one of those ones that I was having both with myself at the same time that I was talking to you. As we move through this transition together and we hit so many life transitions together, we got to keep reminding one another. We got this because we do. And I also want to remind you, in case your son or daughter forgets to call today and someone else doesn't tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life.

 

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That nest may feel empty, but I am always going to be here to remind you, you are not stuck where you are because you, my friend, have a beautiful and strong pair of wings. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the next episode. That was a good one, wasn't it? I'm so happy you were here with me on YouTube. I cannot wait for you to share this with every parent, anybody that you know that is going through some kind of major life transition. Thank you for being here with me. We got this. We got each other. By the way. Please hit subscribe. It's a way that you can show me how much you appreciate these videos and support me in bringing you new content every single day. And I know as you're catching your breath and you're hitting the share button, you're thinking, oh my gosh, I just want to listen to more. So this is the best video that you could check out next.