Episode: 21
3 Truths You Need to Accept About Other People
a Solo Episode
Struggling to get your friends and family to change? The real problem might be you.
Learn the 3 hard truths about other people that will transform your relationships - and how accepting these truths makes life easier.
Packed with research, advice, and takeaways, this episode also addresses what to do when your growth annoys loved ones.
Learn how to let go, find peace, and focus on what truly matters.
Listen on:
You can make them dinner. You can make them laugh. But you cannot make someone else change.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
I am so fired up to talk to you today. We are going to talk about the three things that you need to accept about other people. Mel, how do I get my spouse to change? Mel, how do I get my kid to change Mel, how do I inspire my team? Mel, what do I do about this person over there? And that person over here, we're going to handle that today. I want you to know the three things that you have to accept about other people, okay? And lemme tell 'em to you right now. And then as we go through the questions, I am going to unpack these at a deeper level. So truth number one, Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an absolutely unbelievable episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast.
(00:45):
I am so fired up to talk to you today. Not only because we are going to talk about the three things that you need to accept about other people, these are things I need to accept too. These are not easy things to accept, but trust me, when you accept these truths, the three truths about other people, it's going to make your life easier. And I'm excited to talk to you about this topic because it's very clear based on the number of questions that you have submitted@melrobbins.com about other people. Mel, how do I get my spouse to change Mel, how do I get my kid to change Mel, how do I inspire my team? Mel, what do I do about this person over there and that person over here? Or there's a different version of this question you've been asking too, which is as I'm changing, why are my family not that supportive?
(01:34):
Why is it that as I make big changes in my life, I'm not getting the support that I deserve? Why is the people around me not joining in on all these positive changes I'm making that are inspired by this Mel Robbins podcast thing? Well, I'll tell you what, we're going to handle that today because it's clear that you need more advice, you need more inspiration, and you need more Mel Robbins on this topic about how to deal with other people. And there's something else I need more of, something I need more of you. And so what you're going to hear today is you're going to hear listeners of the Mel Robbins podcast asking questions on this topic, and we are going to jump in and unpack these three truths that you got to accept I got to accept about other people. Now, before I tell you the three truths, I just want to say one other thing.
(02:25):
I have been absolutely floored by your response to this show, and I want to thank you. I want to thank you for spending your time with me, and I also want to thank you for sharing this with the people in your life. I was in California the other day and I was ordering a sandwich at a deli. And this woman who made my sandwich, as she handed me over the little sandwich wrapped in the white after they put the little sticker on it, she leans forward and she says, I didn't want to say anything, but I've been listening to your podcast. My sister shared an episode with me and I just want to tell you something. I immigrated here as a little girl from Africa, and I feel like what I'm learning on this podcast, she was whispering. I don't know if she didn't want her colleagues to hear or her boss, I didn't know why she was whispering, but she's whispering and she had these big glasses on just like me.
(03:23):
And she said, but I feel like what I'm learning on this podcast, it's helping me sprout wings so I can fly and reach heights that I've always dreamt of. And I want to tell you that is a shared success. You are helping me do that together, we are creating a positive ripple effect around the world. Together we are inspiring people to dream bigger, to face obstacles and challenges, and most importantly, to feel a little less alone. And so I just want to thank you. I want to thank you for your time. I want to thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends, with your family. I want to thank you for posting it on social media because you just never know how sharing this stuff is going to change somebody's life. And I'm telling you right now, you are part of a force for good in this world that is empowering other people.
(04:24):
And that's why I want you to know the three things that you have to accept about other people and lemme tell 'em to you right now. And then as we go through the questions,
Mel Robbins (04:35):
I am going to unpack these at a deeper level and explain to you that these truths, they're there no matter what issue you are dealing with when it comes to other people. So truth number one, if they wanted to, they would. Truth number two, you can't make somebody else change. You can make them dinner, you can make them laugh, but you cannot make someone else change. And number three, stop being mad that people aren't who you want them to be. Those are the three truths they're hard to accept, but when you do, they make your life easier. And as we go through these questions, one by one, and I not only give you more inspiration, more advice, more research about the specific issues in each question, I'm going to come back to these three truths over and over and over again and show you how accepting these three truths and applying them to all your relationships, it actually makes your life easier and it's also easier on other people because what you're going to find out is because they apply not only to other people, but they also apply to you and me. So let's just take rule number one. If they wanted to, they would. Now, that kind of stings when you think about other people, when you think about folks in your life that, boy, I wish they'd make an effort. I wish they'd show up. I wish they'd reach out. I wish they'd try a little bit harder. I wish they'd get healthier. I wish they'd, yeah,
Mel Robbins (06:08):
If they wanted to, they would. But guess what? It also applies to you. There are people in your life that wish you would make an effort, that wish you would change some aspect about you. And the truth about all of us is we do the things we feel like doing. And when it matters to you, you do it. And it is hard to accept the fact that if you want to know where somebody stands on an issue, watch their actions that tells you exactly what they want to do and what they don't want to do. Do not listen to their words because it's easy to say, yes, no, I do this, I'll do that to talk the talk. But talk is cheap. And so it is hard to accept that if they wanted to, they would. And the truth about you is if you wanted to, you would. And so I wanted to kind of say this swings both ways. Everything that we're going to talk about is true about other people, and it's also true about you. And I like reminding both of us that because it gives you a level of humility and a little bit more compassion when you get into situations with people where they're not doing what you want them to do. That brings me to our first question from Lisa.
Lisa (07:20):
Hi Mel. My name is Lisa, and I have a question for you, Mel. I am currently struggling with being a more tolerant person. I struggle with accepting others and their bullshit. We all have bullshit and we all have to carry it, deal with it, and unload it. Don't get me wrong, I have worked on myself for years trying to be better and do better, but damn, I want to scream sometimes just be better. I have had to deal with so much in life, but I've always wanted more for myself and my family regardless of the shit that life serves up. Meeting people where they are in life is so important. I know and understand this, but my patience has tried when people wallow. Any advice, Mel?
Mel Robbins (08:11):
Okay, I love this question and I'm sure you can relate to it as much as I can relate to it. And before I dig into this, I want to divide Lisa's questions into two different topics. So the first topic is her frustration that people don't want to do better. That's topic number one. Topic number two is how to deal with what's really irritating, which is people who wallow was her word. I say marinate, commiserate just absolutely at some level love their bullshit. Those people, something's always wrong. They're always complaining. The weather's always bad or they're always unhealthy, that kind of person. So let's start with the first part of that, which is this frustration that you hear in Lisa's voice, I just want them to do better. I've done better. There's almost like an arrogance and a judgment in that, oh, well, if I've fixed myself, you should fix yourself.
(09:15):
If I can do this, then you should do this. And to me, that's toxic positivity, just assuming that because you've done it, that somebody else should, and I'm emphasizing the word should because should holds judgment.
Mel Robbins (09:30):
If you have the perspective that if I've done it, then you could do it to, that's inspiration. That's helping somebody. And so what you want to make sure that you're doing is that if you're frustrated that you're coming from a place of love and coming from a place of wanting to help somebody, rather than coming from a place of judgment of the should of the, you're not doing this, you're not doing that because we've all been on the receiving end of that, right? Where somebody's beaten you down because they've done something and they think you should do something. I can give you a really good example of this because I think there's a big difference of somebody being capable of doing something and somebody not being capable yet as a person that is new to personal development, and I am talking about myself, I've only known about personal development for just over 10 years. I am new to therapy. I mean, I've been engaged in therapy for a long time, but I feel like it takes a while to understand that there are certain things that a lot of people have never even thought about or been taught. I mean, I didn't bump into a lot of the topics that I'm talking about right now until I was in my mid forties. For example, I'll give you one. I didn't truly understand trauma when I heard the word trauma, I thought that that was something that people that served in the military had. I thought that you had to be on a tour of duty and see absolutely something horrific or be somewhere where there's extreme violence or be the victim of a really violent crime. I did not realize that there's big T trauma and there's little T trauma. I didn't realize that growing up in a household where you experience emotional abuse or you have parents that are distant or mismatched or maybe you experience a childhood where there was a lot of poverty or there was discrimination, these are all forms of trauma.
(11:47):
I had no idea. And so there are people in your life that would love to change, but they can't right now because they don't even understand that they are trapped in some kind of a trauma pattern. They're not aware of it. There are people in your life that would love to have the level of fitness that you have, love to have the level of discipline that you have, but they're not capable of it right now because they maybe are struggling with depression or maybe they don't have the family structure around them that is supportive that you have, or maybe they didn't have the experiences that you've had in your life that have allowed you to develop the habits that you've had. And so I think it's really important when you start to feel yourself frustrated with other people to check your ego and to ask yourself, well, am I in the lane of wanting someone to better themselves because I care about them and I see potential in them?
(12:44):
Or am I in the other side of this, which is I'm being really judgy? That's where my frustration is coming from, and I'm assuming that somebody's got the resources and the ability and the support and the knowledge and all of the, I dunno, motivation that you need in order to get started. And so I think it's super important step one, that when you feel that frustration, when you feel yourself getting hooked, that you check yourself at the door, do I want them to do this because I care about them or am I judging them? And I think that they should do this because I think that they're, when you get into that lane and it, you've got to take a breath, you got to recognize that you're coming from superiority, and I want you to step to the other side because understanding is an act of love.
(13:46):
Being compassionate is an act of love. Being tolerant of where somebody is is an act of love. I'm going to give you an example for my own life. So just this morning Chris yelled at me, that's my husband, and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit what happened to you because boy, oh boy, I will tell you, if Chris heard Lisa's question, he would say, I'm struggling with being more tolerant of my wife, Mel. And so here's what happened. Our new puppy home is going to go to a puppy class, and in order to go to this puppy training class on Wednesday, he needs to be up to date on his vaccines, right? No problem. Because when we got our puppy when he was nine weeks old, I took him to the vet, he got all of his shots at week 12, and that was great. I'm a responsible pet owner. This is fantastic. Then all of a sudden, the podcast launched and I've been gone. So Chris looks at me this morning and says, why didn't you tell me that homie is not up to date with his vaccines? I'm like, what are you talking about? I took him when we first got him, he said, Mel, that was when he was 12 weeks old. He's almost 20 weeks old, Mel. He's missed two veterinarian appointments. He is eight weeks late on getting his vaccinations.
(15:23):
I'm laughing. I feel so bad. And I said, well, he is like, didn't you make follow-up appointments? I said, yes, yes. Where's his folder that came with him when we got him as a puppy? I borrowed a sharpie from the vet when I was checking out, and I wrote the dates in there. And sure enough, we got the folder out and there were the two dates. We have missed both of those appointments. I never put them in the calendar. Chris took the folder, and this is a man who never gets upset. He took that folder, you guys, he slammed it shut. He slammed it against his desk. He stood up. He didn't even wheel around on his chair, he stood up, the chair rolled away, and he said, Mel, don't give me this A DHD shit. I know you have a lot going on, but you have a living and breathing animal that you are supposed to be taking care of.
(16:33):
This is not acceptable. You have to do better. And there's the dog barking on Q. Apparently he agrees I can't make this up. Everybody hates me right now. Yeah, and here's the thing. I know that Chris wanted to scream. Chris did scream at me, just be better. And I know that I'm now going to get flooded with comments and emails about this. I'm okay with that. I know I'm going to get a lot of advice about A DHD. I know I'm going to get advice about supplements. Now that you're hearing this story. I'm going to get a lot of you that think I'm a terrible pet owner. I'm cool with that. This is what actually happened this morning, and here's what I had to say to Chris. I want to do better.
Mel Robbins (17:17):
I don't think I can right now. I am so busy at work, I do not have an assistant. I am terrible with the calendars. I'm actually impressed that I wrote the dates down that they gave to me. I thought I'd put them in the calendar, Chris, but my brain is dropping balls left and right. And so the reason why I'm telling you this story is I'm not letting myself off the hook. I am motivated to try to figure out how to improve the systems that I have and improve the level of support that I have. I don't want to be dropping these balls. Chris doesn't need to get frustrated at me for me to feel like shit about this. Of course, I want to do better, but this is one of those instances where my brain doesn't work like his can't just, Chris is Mr. Foundational operations guy. Chris methodically sits and organizes and can sit still. He's really good with tech and with Excel spreadsheets.
(18:14):
I am the opposite. I am absolutely the opposite. And so the reason why I'm telling you this story is because I guarantee you have somebody in your life that, my gosh, you just want to bang your head against the wall and you can tell yourself if they wanted to, they would. And that's true for some things. It is true. It's true for whether or not people want to show up at an event. It's true for whether or not people reach out to you. It's true for whether or not people make an effort. It's true for whether or not people are engaging in healthy habits. If they wanted to, they would. And then there are some times that it's really important in your life in order to manage your own frustration, to be a little bit more empathetic, that if they could, they would. And I'll tell you, I am motivated to get the support that I need so that I do not drop balls like this because I want to do better. And having Chris yell at me, it was actually kind of helpful this morning because it just allowed him to be frustrated. It allowed me to see that this really is a big deal because he keeps picking up the slack on my behalf. And that's not a great solution either. And so here's kind of where the takeaway is on that.
(19:32):
At the end of the day, it's about managing your energy and when you allow somebody else's consistent behavior, I'm not talking about stuff where people are breaking the laws or they're addicted to something or something that's super, super destructive. But I've been married to Chris for 26 years and I have been this forgetful. I have been this forgetful and this bad the entire time we have been together. This is not new Mel Robbins. I am definitely overwhelmed with the launch of this podcast and the move to Vermont and all the travel recently and not having an assistant right now, but this is standard. I have wanted to change this my whole life and I'm trying, man. And a little bit of empathy and support goes a long way because if you don't give that to the people in your life, if you're not more tolerant of the things that they're not capable of, they're just going to feel demoralized and ashamed.
(20:28):
And so yes, if they wanted to, they would. And make sure that if it's a situation where they can't really, or it's really hard for them, that you bring a little bit more empathy because that's going to help them. The other thing is, let's go to number two.
Mel Robbins (20:45):
You can't make someone else change. So I think this is super important because if you get as frustrated as Lisa's getting, you can feel like Chris was, ah, you can't make someone change. You just can't do it. Yes, you can make them dinner, you can make somebody laugh, you can make requests. You cannot make someone change. And so I'm going to tackle this in two ways. Do you know that Chris and I have come back to this issue of Mel's forgetfulness over and over and over and over again? And I'd say about 15 years ago we made a decision because I am terrible with logistics and I am notorious at dropping balls, and I am the queen. I'm the queen of good intentions, and I often lack the follow through. And I'm talking simple stuff. Like literally. Here's another example. We are going to a holiday party. I think it's on the 17th of the month. And a friend of mine texted me and said, are you guys going to this party? I said, yes. She said, great. We're going to have people over for cocktails first. I said, great. Given that Chris and I had just fought about the dropping of the ball of the veterinarian appointment, I immediately screenshotted her text and sent it to my husband, Chris, and said, honey, I don't want to forget to write this in the calendar. So I'm telling you so that you can make sure that we know and remember to go to this. That is what our system has been forever. So what's interesting is that you've got two choices when it comes to somebody and their behavior rule.
(22:38):
The rule you need to remember is you can't make them change, which means you either have to stop trying to make them change, or you need to figure out how to show up differently to make up for what they're doing wrong or to support them an entirely new way. And so we already had a solution for the fact that this is an issue that I cannot change. And the solution is Chris is the point person for all things. If you want us to show up, go to Chris. If you need a check written, go to Chris. If you need to make sure that it's in the calendar, go to Chris. If the kids need a whatever it's called, how kids always have that exam that they need before they go to sports. What's that called? The annual wellness check. Thank you. You know how kids need an annual wellness check?
(23:28):
Guess when Mel Robbins realizes they do the day it's due? That's right. So if you do not want to have that kind of emergency, go to Chris. But what you have to accept in your life is that you're not going to make someone else change. I'm super motivated to be better, but Chris, make me do it. I have to be the one to do it. And so you know what you're doing when you put energy into being frustrated about other people who either won't or can't make that change you want them to make, you're just burning energy. Imagine if you took all that energy that you're frustrated at other people and you just poured that energy in a positive direction to make your own life better. I often think about how many years of my life I have wasted being frustrated with other people, truly wishing they would change, wanting them to change, trying to make them change.
(24:19):
I've tried manipulating people. I've tried bribing people. I've, I'm talking with a box of Legos or something. I've tried motivating people. I've tried inspiring people. The fact of the matter is you can do all those things, but if somebody doesn't want to, they won't. If somebody can't, then they won't. So yes, make them dinner. Yes, make them laugh. Yes, try to be compassionate and understanding. But all of that energy and frustration that you can hear in Lisa, I want to scream sometimes. I'm sure you do because you're trying to make them change. That's why you're frustrated. And that brings me to the third rule.
Mel Robbins (24:57):
You got to stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. I will never be a accountant. I will never be somebody who is OCD detail oriented. That's not me. My genius is in being creative. It's in connecting with people. It's flying by the seat of my pants. That's my genius. And somehow Chris and I have made it work for 26 years, and I think it has to do with the fact that we are 99% compassionate, understanding, and supportive of one another. And then there's those 1% moments that happen today over me being a dumb ass about the new puppy. And of course I feel terrible about it, but I will never be Susie Q with the calendar. That's just not who I'm supposed to be in life. And that's okay, but I can be more responsible about getting the support I need so I don't leave other people in breakdown. And we are going to get into boundaries. I know you're already going to, well, what do you do, Melvin? We will get there. But I want to address one other aspect of Lisa's question, and it's this
Lisa (26:07):
Meeting people where they are in life is so important. I know and understand this, but my patience is tried when people wallow. Any advice,
Mel Robbins (26:18):
Mel, I'm going to give you a specific tactic for people who wallow. I call this the six month rule. The people in your life get six months to wallow in anything. They have six months to wallow about the divorce. They have six months to wallow about the weight they've put on. They have six months to wallow the job they lost or the circumstances or the weather or whatever else. And once the wallowing passes the six month mark, you have a boundary to draw. And this boundary works like a fricking charm because number one, if they don't want to, they're not going to change. You're just going to wallow. Number two, you can't make them change, so don't even try. And number three, you got to stop being mad about this person not being a person that you want them to be. But you can draw a boundary and you want to hear the boundary.
(27:17):
It's the six month rule. Here's what you say. So-and-so, I'll give you an example for my own life.
Mel Robbins (27:24):
So I have a friend that got a divorce after a really, it was like one of those divorces is just ugly, just ugly, ugly, ugly. And the divorce was finalized, okay? This friend of mine, every time I saw her constantly complaining about the X and the this and the that and the other thing and the other thing and the other thing. And finally after six months, I looked at her and I said, you are no longer allowed to talk about this in front of me. I have recommended therapists. I have been a good friend. I have given you books to read, all of which you have done nothing about. I am no longer available to be a soundboard for your wallowing because it is clear to me that you don't want to do anything about this.
(28:19):
The second that you would like to change this, I am here to support you. I am here to help you, but I am not available for you to stay stuck. I care about you too much. So if you'd like to go complain to somebody else, please do. But you are not allowed to bring this person's name up. You're not allowed to talk about your marriage, your ex marriage, your ex, any of it. I'm not available for that anymore. And an interesting thing will happen. That person will be mortified and they probably won't call you for a while because they're still addicted to their wallowing. You're not trying to change them. Isn't that interesting? You're not trying to change them. You didn't say stop wallowing. You said, I'm not available for it. So you know who changed in that relationship? You did. You changed what you're available for.
(29:08):
Now, Chris could literally say to me, you're not allowed to take the animals to the vet unless I'm with you. You're not allowed to make travel plans. You're not allowed to respond to invites. He could say that to me and draw a boundary. He's not asking me to change. He's basically changing how he shows up with me, which is basically what he did about 15 years ago, and it solved most of the issues. So I want you to understand that when you understand and you accept these three truths about people, if they wanted to, they would unless they can't. Number two, you can't change anybody. And number three, stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. You take all the power back. None of this says you can't change. And so when you get frustrated by somebody else complaining, cut off access to the complaining, you're not saying, I don't love you.
(30:00):
You're actually saying the opposite. You're saying, I love you so much that I'm not going to be a part of you staying stuck. And as long as I listen to this garbage come out of your mouth, you are going to be stuck. I'm not here for it. I'm here for your transformation. I'm here for you creating a better life. I'm here for you, moving on. I'm here for you. No longer giving airtime to this asshole that you're divorced to. I am here for your future. I am no longer here for your past. When your friend is ready to change, guess what? They will because they will want to remember. That's rule number one. If they wanted to, they would. And one of the things that I want to say before we move on to question number two is that I think a lot of us learn that part of a relationship is struggle, that there's conflict, that there's tension, that you've got to have somebody to fight against or push against that you saw these patterns growing up or they have been patterns in friendships or relationships.
(31:02):
And so you're just kind of used to this push pull. Well, what if I told you that it doesn't have to be that way, that maybe if you're in relationships that feel like a lot of work, that that's a sign that the relationships that you're in are no longer working for you. And one of the fastest ways to get rid of the struggle is drop the rope. Now, what does that mean? So think about tug of war when you are playing a game of tug of war where you're on one side of the rope and you got other people on the other side of the rope and you're pulling back and forth and it's a lot effort and pulling, yanking, yanking. You want to know the best way to win tug of war? Literally as somebody goes to yank backwards, let go of the rope, they fall on their ass, and then you yank the rope back towards you.
(31:49):
Who said, that's not fair? Of course, that's fair. Letting go of the struggle often makes the struggle go away. And so notice that Lisa's question was, Mel, I'm struggling to be a more tolerant person. And so the way you become more tolerant is accept those three things about people. If they wanted to, they would. If they could, they would. Number two, you can't make 'em change. Number three, stop being mad at them for not being who you want. And then you've learned some other things. Doesn't mean you can't change. Doesn't mean you can't draw boundaries. Doesn't mean you can't say you can do all this stuff you want, but don't do it in front of me. I have another example of that. I have a friend who is dating somebody and she adores him, absolutely adores him and then confessed to me. But when he goes out with his guy friends, a gamble, and he does coke and I'm not down with it, I'm like, don't tell me.
(32:44):
Tell him you're not going to change him. But you can tell him, I got a boundary. Don't you do that around me? That'll make somebody think, because you're following the three rules. You're not trying to change them, but you're very clear about what your values are and what's good for you. You didn't say don't do that. You said, don't do it around me. Big difference that makes somebody stop and think, doesn't it? It's going to make somebody question, well, what am I doing if this person I really care about doesn't want it done around me? Maybe I should start thinking about what I want done around me. I like it because it's sneakier and it's the truth, and it works with these three rules. Okay, so we've covered a lot. I think we should take a quick breath. We should probably hear a word from our sponsors, don't you think?
(33:38):
Because one of the reasons why I love our sponsors is because we are in a relationship. It's a give and take. We can give you this podcast for free because of the support of our sponsors. So let's take a quick listen and we'll be right back with an incredible question. That's all about what you do when the people around you don't support the changes you're trying to make. We'll be right back. Okay? Welcome back.
Mel Robbins (34:04):
I got to tell you, I can tell I'm feeling very nervous that I told you that story about me missing my puppies vaccinations. True story. When our kids were little, they were so, well, I guess would be healthy is the better word, that I would call at the end of the school year because they were going to go to a day camp or something, and I needed to get a health form.
(34:32):
And I would learn that our kids had not been to the pediatrician for two years. Well, they hadn't been sick. Why do you take them? Oh, because you're supposed to make wellness appointments, Mel. Well, I did. Guess what? I wrote 'em on a piece of paper and didn't put 'em in a calendar. And since nobody's sick and it's not an emergency, guess what? I'm in my life until it becomes a problem. So anyway, I am bracing, bracing for the feedback from this episode. Not only because I expect a lot of you to have comments about me missing vet appointments and wellness exams, but also because I think it's a real wake up call when you start to look at how much you're trying to change other people. We all do it. You want somebody to be healthier. I'm sitting here thinking to myself that I really worry about my brother and I want him to be healthier.
(35:31):
He's six foot five. He's a big guy. He's always had a big build. And I worry because the ticker, the heart, it works extra hard when you're a tall guy. And so I can't make him change. I can love him. I can tell him I'm worried about him, but he's got to be the one that is motivated to do it. And one of the things that I did, because I'm guilty of wishing people would change, I'm guilty of being frustrated. I've shared with a lot of you that I really miss my parents. We don't live near each other and my parents don't like to travel over the holidays, and I'd like them to come visit us here in southern Vermont. They're down in Florida and they don't want to travel over the holidays. And I have a choice. I can accept them and love them, or I can feel frustrated and want to change.
(36:26):
And what is feeling frustrated and wanting to change the people that you love? Do? It just makes you feel frustrated. It makes you feel negative energy
Mel Robbins (36:33):
When you're trying to change somebody. You're not loving them, you're judging them, accepting somebody where they are and offering support in a way that feels loving and supportive. That's what we need to do for the people in our lives. Meet people where they are because trust me, everybody that you know is so damn hard on themselves. If you're worried about their weight, I promise you they're worried about it too. If you're worried about their drinking, unless they're plowed all day long, they're worried about it too. If you're worried about their finances or they're marriage, I guarantee you they are too. And so you adding your worry only increases their tension, your tension, their struggle, your struggle, your judgment, your evaluation.
(37:23):
It just adds on shame and pushes people away. So if you really want to be closer with people, come from connection, come from acceptance, come from love. And remember these three truths about every person. If they wanted to, they would. If they could, they would. You can't change 'em. You can do a lot of things. You can't make somebody change. You can make 'em laugh. You can make 'em a cup of coffee. You cannot make someone change. And finally, please stop being mad at people for not being the person you want them to be. Maybe right now they can't. Maybe they don't know anything else. Maybe nobody's ever taught them the things that you've learned, or maybe they have a very different brain or nervous system or past or background or bank account or family structure or relationship history than you do. And so stop being mad at people for not being you and for not being who you want them to be. And start learning how to just meet people where they are. Because when you literally open the door with acceptance, people walk through that door toward you because they feel love and they feel support. When you come from acceptance, and I'm not saying this from some high and mighty thing, I think you can tell that I struggle with this shit. I struggle with giving it. I struggle with having receiving it. I am a work in progress like we all are, which takes me to our next question from a listener named Dan.
Dan (39:04):
In doing this work, I was able to see myself grow not only by my daily actions, but also by the way, I started to think one day my wife and I were chatting in the kitchen and she actually said to me to stop acting like I'm on a pedestal, a selfish Mr. Know-it-all, which I had no idea I was doing. So this got me thinking perhaps my change was affecting her, and for some reason I felt I was at fault. Can you speak specifically to your transition from being a regular parent to being Mel fucking Robbins and how you overcame the family shakeup and what was all happening around that time? Thank you.
Mel Robbins (39:43):
Okay, this is a great question. So one thing first, how I went from being just like a normal person to quote Mel Robbins. There was not some overnight thing that happened. I am who I am today because of the work that I've done over probably a decade. This is not like I won the lottery and I went from being broke to being a millionaire. This I went from being nearly bankrupt and basically a drunk on the verge of divorce in 2008 to 14 years later, meticulously one foot in front of the other, slowly changing, slowly learning about myself. And so my family has had the benefit of seeing a slow, I mean sometimes. So tedious evolution, what true change is, it doesn't happen overnight. It happens over time. But what you're talking about is really important for us all to understand. And this is one of the most common questions that I get.
(40:52):
It doesn't matter who you are, what kind of change you're making. The fact is when you make a change, you create ripples that hit other people whether you intend to or not. And
Mel Robbins (41:10):
This thing that I'm about to explain to you is, and I didn't see this for a long time, I was guilty of being the kind of person that it sounds like you may be, that when you're really excited about something, you become a huge cheerleader. Let's all go gluten-free. Let's all become vegan. Oh, the best thing in the world is keto. Oh, you know what we should do? We should take this seminar. We should all exercise. We should do this. We should do that. You should become an entrepreneur. I became like a just big advocate. And when you do that, it can come off to other people like you think you're better than them now that you've quit smoking or you've quit drinking, or you suddenly don't eat animals because you're a vegetarian.
(41:59):
That sounded terrible. Now, that makes me want to be a vegetarian, honestly, when I say it that way. But you know what I'm saying? And so let me explain why that happens. Number one, everybody, any change you make impacts any relationship you're in because relationships are about energy and relationships are also about overlapping patterns. And if you think about that, it's true. The people that you feel closest to in terms of your friend group are people that you click with. It also happens that you probably have a lot of overlapping patterns, whether it's you have patterns of interests that overlap, or you work together in that overlaps, or you have kids the same age in that overlaps or you live in the same neighborhood and that overlaps. And so it's this energy and this pattern thing. The second you change anything in your life, energy shifts and patterns change.
(42:53):
And that means every relationship's going to change. And you can't. That's not anything you can avoid. It's a fact of life. If you decide that you suddenly want to launch a side business, all of a sudden you're not going to have time on Saturday nights to hang out with your buddies playing poker. It's a fact because you're going to be interested in working on your side business. And as you work on your side business, you're going to start meeting other people that do the same kind of business. And because you are interested in that, you're going to be spending more time with them. Patterns change. I want you to accept that as a fact. It doesn't mean anything's wrong, but let's talk about the issue that you are facing with your wife, okay? Because this is what you need to understand about other people. Your changes do not inspire other people. They confront them. I'm going to say that again.
Mel Robbins (43:41):
Your changes do not inspire other people. They confront them. And I'm going to give you a famous example from my marriage. I am once again, the jerk in the story, and Chris is the winner. There's no winners. That was me being funny. Chris is the transformed one. I'm the jerk. Okay? So a couple years ago, Chris made this decision that he was going to stop drinking for a while, and I was so excited for him. He had had a major problem with alcohol as the restaurant business was really struggling. It was basically the way that he dealt with his stress. And so when he got out of the restaurant business, he's like, I got to make major changes. I got to stop drinking. I need to get healthy. I got to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. And so he decided step number one, not drinking. I'm like, yes, I was a yes for about two days, and then by day three, dinnertime rolls around and I had a habit of loving to open up a bottle of wine while I was cooking.
(44:58):
And so day one and day two, I did not do that. I was supportive of my husband's change. And day three, I'm like, me, I think I'm going to have a glass of wine. Just because he's not drinking doesn't mean I can't drink. And by the way, Chris was also amazing in that he wasn't like, I'm doing this. You need to do this. He's like, I'm doing this for myself. So I open up the bottle of wine and I'm cooking, and Chris is standing there and the kids are running around and I take out the wine glass and I'm like, and then I say, Hey, would you like to have a glass? And he's like, Nope. I'm like, are you sure? I mean, it's basically just juice. It's not that big of a deal. It's not like you're having some bourbon. He's like, no, I don't want any wine, Mel.
(45:37):
I'm like, come on. And he looks at me kind of like he did this morning actually with a veterinary story. He looks at me very frustrated. He said, Mel, I don't want to drink. Stop asking me to have a glass of wine. And I was like, because of course when somebody's serious with you, you're like, oh, I told you I was a jerk. And then I said, I'm sorry. Geez, I just feel bad. I feel bad having a glass of wine on my own. And then he said something that was a mic drop. He said, if you are concerned about what's in your glass, then maybe you should figure out your relationship to drinking. Because the fact is, Mel, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if me putting non-alcoholic seltzer in my glass makes you think about what's in your glass, then you've got some changing to do.
(46:47):
And he's right. And this is my point. If somebody is confronted by your change, it's because your change is making them think about what they're doing or not doing in their own life. Just like Chris's decision to stop drinking made me think about my decision to have a glass of wine while I was cooking dinner every night. And here's the thing, he's right. Nobody gives a shit what's in your glass, but people who get confronted, it's easier for them to attack you or to get you to change your than to take a look in the mirror and change their own. It's easier for me to question what Chris is doing than to look in the mirror and go, well, should I have a glass of wine? Maybe I don't want a glass of wine. Maybe it's just some dumb habit that I've had for 10 years and I don't really care about drinking wine.
(47:44):
But now Chris is making me think about that, and it's a hell of a lot easier for me to question him than for me to question me. There's actually science around this. It's called my side bias. There is so much research about this cognitive bias that's a fancy word for your brain, has certain ways that it thinks that are totally screwed up. And my side bias is what's called a true blind spot. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter how much money you have, how educated you are. My side bias impacts absolutely every single one of us. What does that mean? That means once we have an opinion about something, we will argue for our side no matter what. Once we select an ice cream flavor, we will argue that this is the best damn thing. Once we vote for a candidate, oh, that person, even though they suck and they disappointed me, I'm going to argue for that candidate.
Mel Robbins (48:44):
This is my side bias. Chris is going to argue that not drinking is the best thing on the planet. And I'm going to argue that there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine. And here's the problem with my side bias. Number one, it prevents you by being defensive about your side. It prevents you from being open to other ideas, other possibilities. Maybe you don't want to have a glass of wine when you cook dinner. Maybe you don't want to be playing poker with your buddies in their garage every Saturday night. You really would like to get started on that real estate business you've been thinking about for years. But instead, we argue for our side. In fact, at the University of Toronto, there is a doctor, he's also a professor, Dr. Keith Stankovich. He's a psychologist that teaches there. He has done so much research on my side bias.
(49:37):
He's considered the scientist, scientist when it comes to the field of cognitive science and some of the research that I dug up as I was looking at this because I was curious, why are we so resistant to change? Why is it that when a friend of ours wants to roll out of bed and go to the gym at seven o'clock in the morning, we tend to roll our eyes instead of rolling bed with them? Well, it has to do with this my side bias. In fact, there's interesting research here, and this is why it's so important for you to do what Chris did, which is don't try to make somebody else change. Don't try to make them have the water instead of the wine. Don't try to make them positive when they're wallowing. Don't try to make them healthy when they're not, because based on the research, when you give somebody a, which is basically the way that it feels when somebody says you should lose some weight, maybe you're drinking a little bit too.
(50:33):
That's a lecture. Only 3% of people change when they feel like the change is being forced upon them 3%. Those are not great odds. You want to know better odds when they think it's their idea. 37% of people will change when they believe the idea came from themselves. That is so important because if you actually would love to see people in your life make positive changes, you have to operate so that they believe the change is their own. So let me go back to the example with Chris. So if Chris had told me that he thinks I have a drinking problem, I would resist that because of my side bias, I would argue, oh, no, I don't not. But when he says, stop pressuring me, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if you're concerned about what's in your glass based on what I'm doing, then you need to think about what you should be doing, Mel, by asking that question and forcing me to think about my own behavior and my own choices.
(51:41):
Of course, whatever I do next is going to become my idea because he's forced me to think about what I actually want to do. So back to Dan. I'm sure Dan, your wife feels judged. So first of all, apologize. If anything that you've done in terms of your enthusiasm made your wife feel less than super simple thing to do, you can certainly invite her to participate with you, but do not tell her to. Do not lecture her about it. Do not force anything on her at all because now only 3% of people ever change when they feel like the change is something somebody else wants them to do or is forcing them to do or is lecturing them about. So that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two, you can ask your wife questions, why does this bother you? What about what I'm doing inspires you? Is there anything that you would want me to change? Invite that kind of dialogue, and you're going to open something up because if your wife or your spouse or your partner, your roommate, your friend, whatever, let's take this broader than Dan's question. If somebody in your life is confronted by the changes that you're making, they're passive aggressive, they roll their eyes, this is normal. I want you to stop for a second and let's come back to a little bit of compassion.
(53:05):
Your behavior sent a ripple that's making them feel triggered. And we know it's easier to question you than to question themselves, but trust me, if they're questioning you, they're also questioning themselves. And so remember the three rules, if they wanted to or if they would. Number two, you can't make them change. You can make 'em laugh. You can make 'em think, make them feel included, but you can't make them change. And number three, please stop being mad that they're not who you want them to be. They may never be who you want them to be.
Mel Robbins (53:45):
Loving somebody means loving them where they are and where they're not. It means loving and accepting them for who they are and who they're not. Now remember, you can have boundaries. You should talk to your wife about the ways in which you could talk about these changes that would be supportive to her. You can have boundaries with her, and she can have boundaries with you. Maybe your tone of voice is a little lecture, but she loves hearing about it. She just doesn't want to hear it as if it's a lecture or if she has to participate or if there's something wrong with her for not doing it. Chris, I have to say, handled this like a boss. He actually handled this like a boss in something going on right now. Every morning when that alarm goes off at 5 45 and I roll over to my left and I see that Chris is already up, he's already up and at him, and when I walk into the kitchen and I see his gallon jug of water, and he's already drunk a quarter of it, and it's only six 15 in the morning, and at 6:30 AM after I've written in my journal and I've had my cup of coffee and I've set my intentions, and he's come in from his first workout of the day with our two dogs trailing behind.
(55:04):
He doesn't say, you should be doing this. Why aren't you acting? Oh, you're up now. No, he's just focused on what's making him happy. And what's interesting is all these changes he's making, it is sending a ripple effect. You know what it's doing? It's making me go, I wonder what would happen if I got up a little bit earlier. It might be kind of nice to get up with him and take that walk with the dogs outside of it. I wonder what would happen if I exercised twice a day if I took on this structure. And so the truth is, Chris made a change. It sent ripples through our marriage and our relationship, and he never said a damn word about it. The change itself is impacting me and making me think. So pretty cool how that works, huh? And one more thing, focus on you, protect your energy because when you protect your energy, you create peace in your life.
(56:08):
And that is something that I want you to protect at all costs. My mission is to empower you, inspire you to be connected to you so that you feel like you want to do the things that are going to create a better life. It's my hope that when you listen to this podcast, you think it's your idea to do these things. If I do that, we are both winning. If you then share this podcast, guess what? When your friends and family listen to me, even though it was your idea to send 'em the episode, they're going to think it was their idea. So I love the feedback that you're giving me, that you love sending these episodes to your friends and family because it is sending the message that you know can't send, and you're not alone. My kids don't listen to me either. If I try to tell Chris what to do or my brother what to do, we now know because of my side bias, they're going to resist it.
(57:13):
But when you listen to a podcast episode, I'm just getting the genius of this. You think it's your idea. I love that. And you know what? It is your idea. Because at the end of the day, you are the one who's responsible for your happiness. You're not responsible for keeping other people happy. You're responsible for your happiness and for creating the life that really lights you up. And when you bring more understanding and compassion to your relationships and you stop being mad at people because they can't do what you need 'em to do, trust me, you will be a happier person. Life will get easier. Oh man, that's pretty awesome. So thank you for being here. I love you in case nobody tells you that because your changes are pissing them off right now. That's all right. Just smile at 'em, love 'em up, and know that your friend, Mel Robbins loves you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to focus on yourself and do the work to create a better life and ignore the people who get pissed off when you do. Alright. I'll talk to you in a few days.
(58:47):
Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Resources
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- For Closed Captions: Watch on YouTube and turn on “CC.” For instructions to turn on closed captions, click here.
- Do you want to create a better morning routine? Join my free 5-day Wake Up Challenge and I’ll coach day by day on setting your day up for success here.
- Dr. Keith Stanovich: “The Bias That Divides Us”
- Dr. Keith Stanovich: “Myside Bias, Rational Thinking, and Intelligence” study
- Short article on Myside Bias
- The New Yorker: “Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds”
- National Library of Medicine: “Bias in bias recognition”
- Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay: “How to Have Impossible Conversations”
- Kurt Lewin’s 3-step model of change: Explained
- Berkeley’s Greater Good Center: “Why Is It So Hard to Change People’s Minds?”
- Harvard Business Review: “Change Is Hard. Here’s How to Make It Less Painful.”
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