8 Things I Wish I Knew in College

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Wow,

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Okay. Hey, it's Mel, and right now I am sitting in the passenger seat of my husband's pickup truck. It's raining and we are driving home after moving our son Oakley into his college dorm for his freshman year of college. And I'm just having this moment where I'm reflecting on the entire experience, all the college shopping, the anticipation, the excitement, the nerves, and not only the experience of our sons, but the experience of this with our two daughters. Even my own experience, I remember it like it was yesterday moving into my college dorm freshman year and before our son went away to school today I got together with our two daughters who are 25 and 24, and we just talked about what are the things that we wish we knew that somebody had told us freshman year. These are the seven things that I wish I had known.

(01:47):

These are the seven things that my daughters wish they had known. And these are the seven things that I just told our son Oakley when I dropped him off just a few minutes ago. And as soon as I get back home, I'm going to get on that mic and I'm going to tell you those seven things too. Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am back in the studio here in Vermont. I am so glad that you're here with me. First of all, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so excited to be able to spend this time together with you. I'm so excited about what we're going to talk about today, and thank you for taking the time to listen to something that could help you create a better life. I just think that's so cool. It's always an honor to get to be here to together with you.

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And if you're brand new, I want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family and say, I just really love the time that you and I are going to spend together. And if you're listening to this right now because your parents or a friend or an aunt or an uncle sent you this episode, I want to welcome you and I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to this. 

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So there are actually eight pieces of advice. These are the hard truths that you need to know. And the interesting thing about college dropoff is it is such a pivotal moment in your life that I remember every single detail of being dropped off by my parents freshman year when I went to college and I went to college in 1986, I mean, that is 38 years ago. I can't believe that 38 years has passed. And look, do not turn this off. If you're a college student, you're going, what does this chick have to say to me if she went to college 38 years ago? I assure you the advice is not only for me, it is also coming from my 24 and 25-year-old daughters. This is so relevant. It is going to be the kind of stuff where you're like, oh my gosh, that's true. Oh my gosh, that's true too.

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And before I jump into these eight things, I want you to know, I want to go all the way back 38 years and tell you something that happened during my college that has always stuck with me. I mean, that moment when your parents are moving you in, that is a moment you will never forget because they're on edge. They're kind of acting weird. They're really sad and excited for you. You're feeling weird. Your roommates are there, maybe their family's there. That's what happened for me. I didn't get to pick my roommates. It was random assignment. Shout out to Bernadine Woo, absolutely amazing roommate. She was there. She had already moved in. She had already picked her bed. We come rolling in from Michigan and an 18 hour drive, my parents move me in and the room is all set up and we get to that point where now they need to leave, but I don't want them to leave.

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But it's getting awkward. And so I'm stalling. And it finally got to this point where it's like, okay, they got to go. I got to step into this new chapter of my life. So they walk out the door and I walk out behind them and we walk out to the car and we're going to say our goodbyes because I don't want to cry in front of my roommate and I don't want to have that emotional experience in that cramped little dorm room. And so we're standing in front of the car and I hug my mom, and then I hug my dad, and my dad says this thing to me that I will never forget. He said, Mel, don't let studying get in the way of your education. And at the time, I didn't really know what he meant. I thought, well, that's kind of cool advice.

(05:44):

Don't let studying get in the way of your education. I kind of thought, oh wow, my dad is giving me a license to party. He's saying, blow off classes have fun. That's not what he meant. What my father meant when he said, don't let studying get in the way of your education is that college teaches you about life and it helps you build these skills that you cannot learn in a textbook. 

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And these are really important skills. There are skills that are going to get you through life skills that help you navigate absolutely every change that you're going to face in your life. And that's what college is. College is massive change, and you are going to learn to ride the ups and downs that every single change brings in your life by going through the college experience because you're learning so much beyond what subject you're going to study or what your major's going to be. You're learning how to be with yourself. You're learning how to advocate for yourself. You're learning to rely on yourself. You're learning what you like, what you don't like, how to meet new people, how to do things that are absolutely embarrassing, and then just keep moving forward. And every one of the eight things that I'm about to unpack with you today that I just told our son, these are the things that I wish I knew.

(07:31):

These are the things that my dad was talking about. The education that college truly gives you that you bring with you through the hardest moments in your life and the hardest things about these eight lessons is that you have to go through them in order to learn them. You can't just listen to this podcast and all of a sudden you absorb it. I'm going to share these eight things with you so that you know that this is something that you need to learn. And that brings me to the first piece of advice, and I want to read something to you.

(08:09):

I'm a mom, of course. And so what do moms do? They of course send texts as soon as they start missing their kid after they drop 'em off. And so sure enough, I woke up this morning, we dropped off Oakley yesterday. I, and I couldn't help myself. It was 6 47 and I immediately thought, okay, how did he do it? Was his first night in his dorm room? How did he sleep? How was he feeling? Is he waking up? I woke up, I woke up the first morning of my college experience in my brand new dorm room, and I was in a full blown anxiety disassociative meltdown. I was like out of my body, freaking out. I didn't want to start crying because I didn't want my roommates to know. And so I thought, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to send Oakley a text, and so I'm going to read this text to you.

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I sent this morning at 6:47 AM Hey, oh, good morning. I'm so proud of you. I hope the first day was good and your bed was comfy. And then I put a little blue heart emoji. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to feel like your inner rhythm and things feel comfortable. I remember it taking a while for me. I also remember feeling like I didn't quite know what to do when I had free time. There's this weird boredom or sense of the unknown those first few weeks and everyone feels it. Do you know how much I wish I would've gotten a text like that? I mean, I didn't have a cell phone back then, but I wish I would've gotten a text that first morning where somebody told me

(10:45):

You've got these massive swaths of time that are going to happen on the weekends. And here's the thing that happens is if you don't know that this is normal, that feeling bored or like what do I do with an entire Saturday? Your default is going to be to sit in your dorm. That's a huge mistake. Whenever you're bored, I want you to do the opposite. I want you to walk out the door. Do not sit in your dorm room because there is so much going on around campus and every time you find yourself with a few hours to kill, here's what I want you to do. I want you to walk out of your dorm room. I want you to go walk around the campus and find something new. Explore the new cafe. Go to a different dining hall. Walk into an academic building. Anytime you're bored, go explore facilities.

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Go look at, there's these posters everywhere that have all kinds of programming and lectures and art things. Just take advantage of everything around you. Do not sit in your dorm room on your cell phone. Every single person, once they graduate from college, you know what they regret? They regret not exploring and taking advantage of everything that's on campus and in this new little town. Instead of sitting on social media, get out the door and go do something. Go to the free swim hours. Go climb up a rock wall. Go check out and watch a sports team that's practicing. Go to a pottery class. Go to every dining hall, go to the health center, go try out the clubs. Go back into the back of a classroom and listen to a lecture. Go do something. There is so much available to you. I remember there was a particular moment the first couple weeks that I was a freshman in college and I was in this big kind of campus center at our college.

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There was one place where all the mailboxes were, and that's where you went to get your mail. It's also where the main dining hall was. And so I went and I got my mail and I got a letter from home and I was so homesick and I was so sad. And they're all of these people all around me. And that's the thing about being homesick. You can be surrounded by a bazillion people and still feel really lonely. And I didn't want anyone to see me crying. And so I darted to the nearest stairwell and I went down the stairs, something I hadn't done in the two weeks that I had been there. And I found myself on the lower level of this building that I'd been in every single day since I had been dropped off. I had no idea this lower level existed. Here I am with my letter.

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I'm feeling homesick and sorry for myself. And I find myself in this basement level hallway, and I start walking down the hall and I realize, whoa, there's a photography lab. Whoa, there's a woodworking studio. Holy cow. There's a print workshop thing. And the final one at the end was this jewelry design studio. And I looked in and the lights were on, and there was this older dude there with a long beard and he was tinkering away with some sort of silver ring. And I just walked in out of desperation and I said, hi. I was just curious. What is this? And he explained to me that these were student workshops. They were available to anyone in the college community. You could just walk in there and sit down and learn how to make jewelry. And so I sat down and I started working next to this guy on some dumb little like wire project.

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And I went there every day for the next couple weeks. And it turns out I love making jewelry. In fact, it became a place that I worked my sophomore year. And I'm telling you this story because there are nooks and crannies all over your college campus just waiting to be discovered. But you will not discover them if you're sitting in your dorm room bored and alone and not knowing what to do. So if you're bored, there's nothing wrong. In fact, it means you're doing college, right? Get out of your dorm room and go explore. Now, the second thing that I wish somebody would've told me when I went to college that I just told my son is that the biggest thing that college changes is how it feels to be in your body. Everybody talks about how college is going to be this big change and it's going to be the best four years of your life and blah, blah, blah, blah.

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But nobody explains why it feels so weird in the beginning. And I want to talk to you so you understand the reality of just how much is going on inside your body and why that first month feels weird and why you need to give yourself grace to process what is happening. And I'm going to give you a specific piece of advice that I want you to do first thing in the morning that is going to help you move through this change and this kind of weird acclimation period faster intellectually. I just started a whole new chapter. I'm going to college. You may even be excited about all the change. 

(16:25):

Of course it's going to feel like a shock to your system. And the same thing is true that first month that you start college. I mean, it's going to take time for your body to regulate itself into a rhythm where everything doesn't feel new again. And nobody told me this, and it's a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but just think about this. The smells are new, the lighting is different. The bed that you're sleeping in is completely different than the bed that you've been sleeping in for years. You may be in a room with somebody that you've never met before and now you're sleeping next to them. You have to go to a communal bathroom. The food tastes different. The campus is different. The weather might be different. You might be in a totally different part of the world from where you grew up.

(17:09):

Everything is different. Your body clock is off, your sleeping schedule is off. Things smell weird. The carpet texture is weird. Yeah, you got these cozy little sheets and maybe you brought a stuffed animal from home and you got photos of everybody, but everything else is totally different. Recognize it. It's a shock to your whole system. And here's the thing, everyone deals with it differently. But the one thing that everybody does the same is that everybody tries to make it look like they have it all together. They don't because it's impossible for your body to absorb the sights, the sounds, the smells, the schedule, all of it, and actually be chill. And this is why you need to give yourself time to process this and to understand this is way bigger than just kind of processing change in your mind. You're doing it in your body and your smell and your sight.

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And one way that this can show up and you don't realize it is that you find yourself convincing yourself that you're in the wrong place or at the wrong school because things feel weird. You're not in the wrong place. Things feel weird because you're just not used to what it feels like to be there yet. And within a month, you will know your surroundings. You will have a handle on your schedule. You will be used to the smell, you will have slept in the bed. You will know more about your roommate. It will be a month before you find out what you like to eat from the dining hall and which dining hall you like to go to. It will be a month before you get used to using a community bathroom. It will be a month before you have a handle on how do I navigate my weekends and classes starting?

(18:54):

It is a great equalizer because the second that that structure kicks in and your classes start and you get into that rhythm or you join a club or you're on a sports team or an intermural team, and you get into that kind of flow of your days or your work study job starts when all that happens, it starts to fill in the gaps. But I want to be honest with you about the biological, physiological and neurological change that your body is trying to adjust to. And I want you to give yourself a break. Give yourself some grace here. And I also want to tell you, there is a hack that you can use to help your body process this change faster. And here's the hack. Create a routine for how you start your day. See, most college students do not have a morning routine. That's an enormous mistake.

(20:34):

You can hack all of this change by creating consistency in your own schedule first thing in the morning. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to create one thing that you're going to do in the morning to move your body. That's it. Move your body, get out your door. There's your new college routine. The second that you get up and you get yourself together, get out of your dorm building, go do something. Do not sit in your bed and scroll on your phone. It will lead to a disaster. Get up, get out the door. Go move whether it's going for a walk or going to the gym or signing up for a workout class or pop in your headphones and listen to a meditation as you're walking to go get breakfast somewhere, move your body, get outside. It is the fastest way for your body to come into alignment with your new environment.

(21:26):

That's the way you can hack it because the biggest thing that college changes is how it feels to be in your body. And now that you know weird feeling is not a sign that you're in the wrong place. It's a sign that you're going through major change. The simple thing you can do when you wake up, get out the door and move your body and that will bring you into alignment with your new environment. So now that you know this context, that absolutely everyone is going through this massive change internally that they're trying to process on the inside, that's going to bring me to the third piece of advice that I wish somebody gave me. Because you also need to know that every single person that you're going to meet is dealing with this period of massive change differently. And the behavior that you're going to see on the outside oftentimes is craziness.

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Because everyone is trying to deal with this change. I don't care how much you're trying to pull it together, they're dealing with change and you're going to be surrounded by a lot of people who have had very tight reins on them who have never been away from their families, and now all of a sudden they have all of this freedom and they have no idea how to handle it. And so the third thing that I wish somebody would've told me when I went to college is this. The change is so fast. You have got to go slow. And by slow, I mean slow down the drinking. So many of you are going to get to college and drink way too much that first month. Why? I'll tell you why you can't handle the change. And so you literally just want to party.