3 Steps to Eliminate Self Doubt & Get Everything You Want In Life

(00:56):

Hey, it's Mel. I am so happy you are here with me today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for tuning in and choosing to spend some time with me. I also think it's super cool that you're listening to something that could change your life. And by the way, today's conversation, there is no doubt this will change your life. I am showing up with some kind of attitude and energy, and I am in the Boston Studios and there is some sort of just gale force wind that is going outside. So you might hear the swirl in my voice or you might hear it outside, but boy, oh boy, do I have something to share with you? 

(02:25):

She could start on Pinterest. I referred her to accounts to follow. And I know that this is something that a lot of people struggle with, how to put yourself out there on social media because it's a little overwhelming. So the other day, Molly calls me and we're chatting away, and when she calls me, I could tell something was off. How when a friend of yours just sounds blah. And when I asked her, Molly, what's wrong? I mean, you don't sound like yourself. Is everything okay with the kids? She said, yeah, yeah, yeah, the kids are fine. I'm not. And I said, well, what happened? She said, well, something the other night just really triggered me. I saw something and it just sent me into a spiral. Mel, I have been crying ever since. I feel like I've just made a major mistake in my business.

 

(03:20):

And so I'm listening and I'm thinking, what the hell could have happened? My gosh, this is really serious. Well, it turns out that someone in the neighborhood who has no interior design expertise, this is a person that my friend Molly knows. She's known her for a while because they all met in a mom's group and she's known her because they've kind of raised their kids in the same town. And without disclosing names, this person, not exactly my friend, Molly's favorite person, the kind of person in a friend group who draws the attention to themselves. Maybe they're always talking about themselves kind of loud. Someone just kind of rubs you the wrong way. And you maybe have somebody like this in your life where you think you're the kind of person where you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I just want everyone to win. I'm a positive person.

 

(04:15):

I cheer for everyone. Just not this person. You and I aren't going to name any names. Everybody has someone like that in mind. Well, that was this person for my friend Molly. And so all of a sudden, this woman is now getting into the design business, and it just rubbed Molly the wrong way. You know how some people can just like a thorn in your side because this person, as Molly explains, they didn't go to school for this like I did. I studied for years. I have all these accreditations. I've been doing this for years. And now all of a sudden everybody's talking about how talented she is. And then the next thing you know that this person that is irritating to my friend Molly, is posting on social media. And next thing you know, this person's posts are starting to blow up. And now this person is starting to get thousands of likes on her Instagram photos of literally just photos of her own house, which just burns Molly alive because Molly's like you didn't even decorate your own house.

 

(05:24):

And now this irritating person is going live on TikTok and she's on Instagram giving design tips and people love her, which really burns Molly. And so last night, my friend Molly, after a long day of work dealing with her clients, puts the kids to bed, sits down on the couch, turns on the tv, picks up her phone, she starts scrolling on social media, and guess who is all over her feed this irritating woman. And Molly right there on her couch in her house loses her fricking mind. And so I just sat there and I listened. And as I'm telling you this story about my friend Molly, I know you've had this experience that someone out there is triggering you. Maybe the situation is similar to the one my friend Molly is in. Maybe you're in the real estate business and you've been doing this for a decade, and then all of a sudden there's this brand new person that enters real estate and suddenly they have the $3 million listing down the road.

 

(06:33):

I mean, what the heck? It's triggering. We've all been there. And so after I listened for a while, Molly takes a breath and she goes, Mel, what do you think I should do? And I paused because the truth is I've been in her shoes more times than I would like to count. I knew because I've been there that Molly didn't need a pity party. She did not need me to be feeling sorry for her. What she needed was for someone to kick her in the ass and to be brutally honest, and before I tell you what I told her, which is also something that you need to hear, I want you to just stop and think of that friend. Or maybe it's someone online that you don't know, but their success really bugs you. Maybe you feel like they don't have the right qualifications or the right skills, or you just don't feel like they deserve the attention they are getting and it's irritating you. Do you have that person in mind good? Because I want to tell you the same thing that I told my friend Molly, and I want you to

(08:43):

Crickets. I was like, you there, Molly? Silence. That's right. You should be thanking her because this irritating woman is teaching you something. And by the way, she's not teaching you about what she has. She's teaching you that you aren't doing simple things every day that are leading you to where she is. And clearly you want it, which is why you're triggered. In fact, I don't think anyone else on the planet can teach you this lesson, Molly, and it has to be her. It has to be this irritating woman who is the one that is successful. And lemme tell you why, because my friend Molly already follows all the successful interior designers that are creators online. She already follows Leanne Ford and Jake Arnold and Studio McGee and Joanna and Chip Gaines and Amber Lewis. She follows them all. And if you like interior design, you probably follow them too.

 

(09:46):

Well, none of those people have inspired Molly to get serious about social media and marketing. It had to be that irritating woman with no experience. And I want to unpack this a little with you. And the reason why it had to be her is because when you look at somebody that's way far away from you, and in fact, before I unpack this, I just want to make sure that as you're listening to me, you're going to make this relevant. So I want you to stop and think about something you want before I unpack this. Maybe you want to become a professional golfer or maybe you want to get a job in sports marketing or maybe you want to start flipping houses. There is somebody who is famous and successful that's already out there doing it, but they're not inspiring you to get started or they're not inspiring you to stick with the tedious, boring things that you need to do.

 

(10:40):

And this was my point to my friend Molly. It has to be this irritating woman because you've been watching all these famous interior designers, you've been talking about doing social media for five years, but you have all these, oh, they have a team, they have this, they do that, they have time, they have the other thing because there's so much distance between you and the people that you're following online, but this irritating woman, holy cow, if anything, you've got more qualifications than she does, which is why it has to be her. She's triggering you because she's showing you that you are capable of doing the thing you've been avoiding too. And in fact, this is the interesting thing about people that trigger you in this regard. You need to be thanking them because you're not actually mad at them. The truth is you're mad at yourself because you know that you should be doing the little things every day that get you where you want to go when it comes to social media.

 

(11:46):

Because let's just stop and ask ourselves, why is this woman that my friend Molly doesn't like viral? Oh, she has some just unbelievable unicorn strategy that nobody's thought of before. No, she's going viral the same way everyone is by putting content out every single day. I mean, just imagine what a genius idea that you would show up on social media and talk about your business and you would do it every single day and eventually things would start to build. Imagine that. Imagine that you could hire someone to help you do this. Imagine that you could take one less client in your interior design business and then spend the time doing the thing that you're avoiding. And here's what I love about this story. Your triggers are your greatest teachers, not because they show you what you need to be doing. They do that, all right?

 

(12:49):

But because they galvanize your anger and you're not angry at them. And that's where I think we miss the incredible teaching here. You're angry at yourself for not doing what you need to be doing. So whoever it is that's triggering you, number one, it had to be them because no one else has come along that is waking you up. And I also want to be clear about something. You don't have to be happy for their success. In fact, I do not want you to be fake about it. Molly shouldn't go to this woman's post and start liking it and being like you go, because she doesn't mean that she's got to take the lesson and galvanize the anger and get herself moving. And today we're going to be talking about getting real, and we're going to talk about the real power that your triggers have and how they can push you forward.

 

(13:42):

And in fact, I'm one of them because part of my success is that I keep showing up. And today I am going to teach you that a critical part of your success is being on the lookout for three different types of triggers that are going to show up in your life. And Molly just taught you one of those triggers. Trigger number one is when the irritating person in your life gets what you want. And to just kind of unpack this a little bit more, 90% of the time when there is an irritating person that has what you want, it's because they are showing up every day and they're putting in what I call the reps. That's what you do at the gym. You just put in the reps and then the muscle builds over time. And yeah, I will acknowledge that there's probably 10% of the people that are triggering and irritating that just showed up.

 

(14:43):

The trust fund babies like half the influencers in their twenties on social media these days where the grandparents did the work and now they're living off the money from the grandparents and they're posting all these fancy photos traveling around the world. That's not who I'm talking about. I'm talking about the 90% of the time when someone irritating is triggering you because they have something that you want and you don't like that it's them. But what they're there to show you and what you're probably not seeing is all the little things that they've been chipping away at, the boring, the hard stuff, the things they've been doing in the dark while you weren't watching over and over and over and over again. And you know what you're angry about. You're angry at yourself. You didn't start doing it 10 years ago. You're angry that you keep making excuses.

(16:38):

And you also know because you listen to this podcast that thinking about something is not the same thing as doing it. And inspiration is not enough to get you motivated to do something. So inspiration is cheap. And as I've already explained to you, one of the reasons why it can be really demoralizing to stare at so many people that are successful ahead of you is because you're present to the gap. I mean, why do you think it took me so long to start this podcast? Because I saw all these incredible successful people in front of me and I felt like I'm never going to get there. So as much as it is inspiring to see that it's possible to get something done, it is inspiring to see that that's where I want to head. You can't stay there because all you see is the gap.

 

(17:29):

And that's going to be hard to keep yourself motivated to try to close. And that's why anger is really important because it's a very different emotion. That's why your triggers are your teachers. That's why that person on social media or the irritating one in the mom's group or all of a sudden Aaron down the hall, all of a sudden he's quitting his job and he is working full-time at a custom boat business that he's been working on in the dark while you've been busy running spreadsheets. That's why it triggers you because the people you know that do it, you know, can't make excuses for why you haven't. You can't make up an irritating story for the person who's sitting next to you at work who now just quit because they've been building a business on their weekends while you've been doing something else because there's no superpower, there's no trust fund, there's no upper hand.

 

(18:26):

They just started doing it and that's why it had to be them. That's why that irritating person is your teacher because you are confronted that your excuses are just excuses that it is possible. And you're also going to come to learn that it's normal to be upset, totally, perfectly normal. But if you're serious about being successful, you have no time and you do not have the right to be upset if you have not been doing the tedious, boring stuff that leads you to the thing that you want. And so that is trigger number one, really important, really painful. It's going to happen a lot in your life. So get ready for it, welcome it, learn how to use it. 

(20:26):

Now I had a baby at home, I had a baby inside me, I was pregnant, my employer did not know. And so I needed to get a job and I started to go out for interviews and I ended up talking my way into a job to be get this, the senior vice president of content for a company that was building a platform. We're talking back in the day 2001 that was connecting creators, like graphic designers and video editors and people that did all kinds of creative services with anybody that need those kinds of services. Now, this was like before Facebook. And so they were building this marketplace online and I was all excited. And the reason why I got the job is because I could talk a big game because I had had a front row seat to watching this incredible startup get built. But here's the thing, I didn't do any of the things that I could talk about, so I could talk about what I had seen, but I couldn't actually execute it.

 

(21:32):

And so I land this job, I get a great salary, I'm all excited. We're in a beautiful startup space and it's like full of engineers. And I show up for my first day and I realize as I'm sitting there, I don't have a clue what I'm freaking doing, not clue. And I didn't say anything. I sat there, I went to that job every single day. I'm laughing for six months, and I sat there at my desk and I typed my little emails and I pretended to look busy because I didn't have a clue what the hell I was doing. And eventually the people that ran the company figured it out. And one day, sure enough, every day I would go in there. It was so triggering because I knew it's not just that I felt like a fraud. I knew I was so out over the tips of my skis.

 

(22:31):

I knew I had no idea what was going on and talk about being a dummy. I didn't spend my time trying to figure it out. I spent my time hiding just pretending, just being there, just doing the best that I could. I never said a thing. And then there was one day where the two founders called me very publicly. It was an open floor plan. So I'm sitting in this loft space and I get called in and I'm feeling kind of funky, like, oh my God, they're going to ask me a question. I don't know the answer, I'm going to have to fake it again. And they sat me down and they said, Mel, I said, yes. And they said, we think you're awesome as a person, but you don't have a clue about what you're doing, do you? And I said, no, I don't silence complete.

 

(23:25):

Just you want to talk about being triggered, completely called out on my BS at work by the founders in a glass conference room. I was told that my things were being packed up as I was sitting in there. And that's when you get this feeling that behind you knows that this is happening. It's like the world's worst breakup, but the boxes being carried out to my car. I remember saying to myself, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I was one of the only women that worked there in a sea of engineers. I had no idea what anybody was doing or what they were talking about or what to do in this job. I just pretended and I walked out looking at my feet. I didn't even look straight ahead, just like, look down, look down, get out. And as I walked through the door and that door closed behind me, it was one of those doors that when it swings shut, it sort of sends us like at your back and your hair kind of flies forward.

 

(24:27):

And I'll tell you something, having someone call you out on your BS is one of the most triggering things that could ever happen to you when somebody says you're cheating, aren't you? Or you're drinking again, aren't you? Or you spent that money I gave you, didn't you? Or you didn't get the job and you've been pretending you did, or you don't know what you're doing? And here's the thing I want to tell you about that extraordinarily triggering thing, because I'm not going to lie to you, it was so embarrassing. I felt so ashamed. I felt mortified. I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself, not just for lying about my capability but then pretending for so long. But I was also mad that while I was sitting there, I didn't do anything to actually learn any skills. I didn't do anything to try to ask for help.

 

(25:26):

And so as painful as it was to sit for six months in a job that I was royally screwing up, pretending everything's cool, this was a key to my success. And let me tell you why. Without that trigger, I wouldn't be the person that I am today without the trigger of someone calling me out on being a liar, on not saying I don't know what I'm doing. I would've never have learned what a superpower it is to say at any moment. I don't know what I'm doing to say. I don't know the answer to say, I've never done that before, or to say, this is way out of my comfort level, but can I hire someone to help? Or can I take a class on this? And what I've come to learn that I wouldn't have known without that triggering moment of somebody else calling me to the mat is the power of just being honest.

 

(26:22):

In fact, you guys constantly write in and you're like, oh gosh, Mel, you're so authentic. So this, it's because I am the first person to say, and in fact, you hear it on the podcast all the time, don't you? And I'm like, that's a big word. What does that mean where I said, well, I don't even know what you just said. Can you explain that in a way that I could understand? I don't have any embarrassment about that. In fact, I think it's a sign of intelligence. And it also, based on the research, get this when somebody says, I don't know, it creates tremendous trust because when somebody tells you they don't know, you go, oh, I can trust this person to tell me when they don't know. And that is a massive teacher in my life. I have zero fear about not knowing something.

 

(27:02):

I have zero fear about asking for help. I have zero fear about telling somebody that I need support in something. And that has led to me taking major risks. That's led to me being honest. It's led to me solving problems faster. And it will lead to the same thing for you. So wherever it is that you're hiding out, someone's coming, someone's coming, someone's coming, and it's going to be painful. So you might as well learn this lesson from me today and start speaking up.

(28:03):

See, in the situation I just told you where I was fired for that job, I wasn't underestimating anything. I was lying and pretending. That's very different. But there are situations in your life where you have the capability to alert. You have the capability to step out of the tiny little box you've put yourself in. But even though people around you are giving you more or telling you, go for that job, apply to the better school, start that business, I see something bigger for you. You keep yourself small. And that happened to me at the very beginning of my speaking career when I first started getting paid to give speeches about the five second rule. We're talking 2013, 2014 here. My husband and I were in so much debt that I didn't feel worthy of getting paid a lot of money. And the other thing that was really working against me and that kept me feeling really small is that I just felt like if I asked for more money, people would not hire me.

 

(29:05):

And so I had to keep my fee small because that way more people would book me. And then all of a sudden this thing happened, I gave a speech in Vegas at a big event for event planners and somebody saw me speak and they were wowed, thank God. And they decided, okay, I'm going to take a shot and I'm going to book this woman for an event that I am organizing and creating for a massive publicly traded bank. I'm talking like a Fortune 50 bank, the CEO and the Chief HR officer were doing an executive retreat. It was in Philadelphia. I will never forget this. And it was one of the first of the speeches that I gave where I was consistently getting paid and I did not charge a lot of money because I was scared to charge a lot of money. I didn't think I was worth it.

 

(29:52):

I was afraid people wouldn't book me. Who's going to pay a woman like that? X amount of dollars. I mean, she doesn't have a book. She's not a celebrity, she's not some fancy pants person. How is she worth that? And so I kept myself small despite the fact that friends of mine in the business told me, you got to charge more, dude, you're way under price. I'm like, oh, I dunno. I don't think anybody will hire me for that. So long. The short of it, this person books me. They see me at a different event. They bring me into an event in Philadelphia full of a hundred executives for this big bank. And speaking that day, were a number of people that I so admired. I'm talking New York Times bestselling Ted Talk, this like the intellectual giants. Dan Pink was there. There were some other people there.

 

(30:41):

I was so enamored with these people that I flew in early and I sat in the back of the room like a church mouse absorbing everything from these amazing famous intellectual authors and these super smart people, which was a terrible idea by the way, because all it did was make me feel smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller. And then I got up, I was the closer, and I did my thing. And I told the story of the five second rule, and I thought, this is going to be the last speech I ever give. This is terrible compared to all this intellectual stuff that all these other people are talking about. I'm just talking about normal people changing their life, doing 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And it brought the house down. Then something extraordinarily triggering happened. The head of HR walked up and she said to me, I feel an obligation to tell you something that is going to be very painful to hear because I think it's important as a woman that I support another woman in knowing the truth. And I'm thinking, oh my God, what the hell have I done? And she said, you were 10 times better than any of the speakers that we hired for this three day summit, 10 times better hands down.

 

(32:12):

And we paid each and every speaker five times the amount we paid you. In fact, your price was so low that we didn't believe that you were as good as people said you were. And when she gave me that feedback, first of all, I'm glad she didn't say what I thought she was going to say, which that was terrible and we're really, and we need our money back. But when she said that, it just like, ugh, hit me in the heart. When somebody tells you that you're playing small, and when they have the just generosity to also tell you the painful thing you're missing out on because you are keeping yourself small. And the truth is, as painful as it was to hear that, I got lucky that day because it could have been just as easy for her to think that and not say it.

 

(33:21):

And I'm telling you this story because I think it's important in any area of your life where you're playing small, you're keeping yourself in a box. Maybe you're not posting your music online, maybe you are not starting that YouTube channel. Maybe you're not writing that book. Maybe you're not writing that business plan. Maybe you're not charging what you need to charge. Maybe you're not firing that pain in the ass client that's taken up all your time and that nickel and dimes you on the bill, wherever it is that you're playing small, you're ignoring the people in your life that are like, you deserve so much better than this. You need to apply for that huge job that's out of reach. You need to apply to that dream school. You do need to take the risk and move across country or backpack around the world, wherever you are playing small, you need to listen to the people that see something bigger for you because you see it too.

 

(34:12):

You're just scared. And if you see somebody in your life, be the chief HR officer for them. Tell them what they're missing out on by keeping themselves jammed in the small box. Is it going to be an easy conversation? No. Is it going to be a conversation that teaches someone you love something they need to hear? Absolutely. Which is one of the most loving things that you can do. Stop withholding this stuff from people and hit 'em straight between the eyes with it because this is the kind of truth that we all need. And that's why triggers in your life are so important. And there's three in particular that I hope you will pay attention to. Number one, when someone you don't like someone irritating is getting what you want. Ooh, hate that. But I hope now you love it because that's who it had to be.

 

(35:08):

It had to be them because you need your anger to get through your BS and get to work. Or when someone calls you out on your bs, you're not supposed to spend your life faking and lying and not saying stuff. You're supposed to have the courage and the conviction to tell the truth. And the easiest way to get help is to ask for it. The easiest way to figure out and to learn something is to start by admitting, I don't know how to do this. And then you'll be surprised how quickly you can learn how to do it. And finally, someone who has the respect for you, somebody that you respect pointing out that you're playing small and what you're missing out on, or the fact that they gave something to somebody else. You didn't step up. Oh my God, those moments suck, don't they?

 

(35:59):

But they're also critical in your life. And so what do you do with this? Well, number one, just recognize it, recognizing it, simply recognizing it. I hope this episode, by the way, was very triggering. That was my mission. My mission today is to trigger you, to make you annoyed, whether it's at me or somebody else, so that you start to go, yeah, I'm kind of mad. I'm mad. I'm mad that I'm not doing the thing that I need to be doing. I'm mad at myself for sitting around. I'm mad at myself for being scared about whatever you think. Instead of doing the thing I need to do. I'm scared I'm me. I'm mad that I've gotten myself in over my head and I'm hiding instead of standing up and fixing this, or I'm mad that I am holding myself back, that I know I am meant to play a bigger game, but I refuse to get out of this box and actually take the damn risk to do it.