4 Ways to Stay Calm When You’re Stressed: This Life Advice Will Change Your Future

(00:17:53):

And I'm here to remind you and ask you to hold space for what your loved one wants to be a loud advocate for what they want so that you can help them push through the fear. I want you to remind them of their potential and of the possibility and why it's worth it to push through the emotion and work for it. This is a very different way of approaching it than pressuring somebody. This is not about telling somebody what to do. I mean, I know from experience, and I'm sure you do too, that pressuring somebody or telling somebody what to do is the fastest way to get them not to do it right? They will do the opposite. So I've already given you a phrase that you can use to help bring clarity without judgment to a situation where someone that you love has declared what they want, but you don't see them doing anything. Or you see them backing away from the opportunity. Use the phrase I used. I'm confused. Lead with that phrase. Because when you come from a place of confusion, you're not attacking someone else. You're basically putting the spotlight on you. I'm confused here. You're gently pointing out that their behavior is not matching what they said they wanted. Here's an example. I heard you say you wanted to find a new job and I'm confused.

 

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I don't know what you're doing about it. Do you need some help? Or here's another example. I heard you say that you wanted to lose 40 pounds, and I'm confused. I haven't seen you exercising in the last few weeks. Do you need some support? And then let them talk. 

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Anything else? Because what finally will come out is the truth. And the truth is that either they know what they want, but they're scared or they know what they want, but they don't know how to get started. I mean, that was Kendall's response. She was drowning in insecurity, imposter syndrome and fear. And when somebody is in the deep end emotionally, you need to throw them a lifeline. And here's how you do it. 

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You can hear how you start to just swirl, right? Kendall, it's not that deep, but mom, it's Carnegie Hall. I'm still here to say it's not that deep. It's an auditorium that happens to be on the corner of 57th and sixth in a town called New York City. It's not that deep. In fact, you didn't even know that the piano concert was happening until you got this email. It's not that deep because no one else knows about it either. And by the way, if you don't post about it on social media or invite any of your friends and family, nobody that you know will be there. It's not that deep. And besides you've been performing in front of audiences for 15 years, it's not that deep. One of your mentors is performing. It's not that deep. And as I kept saying this phrase, it's not that deep.

 

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She laughed and she's like, you're right. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. It's not that deep. And she wrote them back and said, yes. And this is a reminder that every situation in life doesn't need to be so damn serious. Everything that you face doesn't need decades of trauma therapy to get through it. The stakes don't need to be so high all the time, but it is so easy, isn't it, to get yourself all worked up in the emotional deep end of your own mind and body. And that's why you need this lesson. Number one. It's not that deep. And I have to credit Kendall because she's the one that actually taught me this phrase. It's not that deep mom. It's not that deep. And now I'm using it back on her, which I love even more. And even hearing myself say those four words, it's not that deep.

 

(00:23:24):

It gives me the space when I said it to her, it's not that deep dude that, look, Mel, it's not that deep. If she doesn't want to go to New York this coming week and perform at Carnegie Hall, she doesn't have to do it. It's not that deep. There will be other opportunities. You don't need to worry about this. It's not that deep. It relaxes them. It relaxes you. It lowers the stakes. It allows rational thinking and support to step in because the fact is, if she's not ready, she shouldn't do it. If she doesn't want to do it, she shouldn't do it. And if she decides not to do it, it's not that deep. So it also helped me relax into the idea that this is her decision. Let's just get the emotions out of the way. And there's one more thing I want to point out about this first lesson and why it's not that deep will really help you.

 

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No one needs pressure from you. They already feel enough of it. Let's take the example of looking for a new job. That is a stressful experience. Even if you're excited to find a new job. And if you've been laid off and you're looking for a new job that's even more stressful. So you need the phrase, it's not that deep. So you can lower the stakes and keep your composure and your productivity and your momentum and your clear thinking and you can use. It's not that deep to push yourself forward when you start feeling paralyzed, like everything is so high stakes. No, it's not, dude, it's just a resume. It's not that deep. It's just an interview. It's not that deep. It's just a job offer. It's not that deep. And I can't allow myself to get into the deep end or I'm going to screw myself over.

 

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That's why you got to say it's not that deep. So you keep working towards something and not paralyze yourself and also so that you can keep your wits about you when things do start to work out so you don't blow up the opportunity by getting too emotional. Same thing's true with dating. Yes, it can be very demoralizing to be out in the dating world and to find yourself asking yourself, why is everybody I'm meeting such a loser? Why does everybody else have a significant other, not me? When is it going to be my turn to love? Why don't you start saying, you know what? It's not that deep. The fact is you haven't met the person who's good enough for you yet. That's why you're still single. See, it's not that deep. Alright, so lesson number one, the phrase, it's not that deep. It allows you to take these moments a lot less seriously.

 

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But you know what I take really seriously our advertisers because they support this show and allow me to bring you this awesome, awesome podcast at zero cost. So let's take a quick listen, but don't you dare go anywhere because when we come back, we're moving on to lesson number two, which is the shocking power of a good scream. And wait till you hear the story about where this good scream happened. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so thrilled that you are here with me. I am excited to continue telling you this story about what happened when our daughter was invited to sing her new single pastime at Carnegie Hall and the four life lessons that I learned on that random night in New York City. I've already shared lesson number one where we talked about using four simple words. It's not that deep to unhook yourself emotionally when you start to feel upset that someone that you love is not seizing an opportunity or moving forward and working toward what they want.

 

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And you can also use, it's not that deep to unhook yourself when you're the one that's paralyzed to push yourself through the fear. So now that you're moving, let's keep the story moving. And where the story picks up is that she replies to the email. 

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And I was really excited about this because I just assumed I wasn't going to see her until after her performance. I didn't want to stress her out, but I was like, yeah, I can pick you up. We got plenty of time. And she reminded me that her call time at Carnegie Hall was four 15, and the sound check was going to happen at five 30. So plenty of time. And honestly, I was just absolutely thrilled. So I'm driving down the West Side highway. I pull up to the apartment, she jumps in the car, we brace each other. It was so exciting. And what immediately struck me was she was just cool as a cucumber. And we were talking up a storm and she had had a great night the night before, and we're driving uptown and this song comes on that she loves. And she grabbed my hand and she started to cry and she's like, I just can't believe this is happening.

 

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And I'm like, I can't believe it's happening either. And so I was just thrilled to be in the moment and honestly to have a little bit of time with her before the show began and before some of our family and friends started to arrive in town to see her perform. And I had booked a hotel that was next door to Carnegie Hall, like I'm talking, the building is next door to Carnegie Hall. So we pulled up to the hotel at 3 45, plenty of time. We drop our bags at the hotel, we walk into the lobby and boom, her grandmother was standing there, her grandmother had flown in from Florida to surprise Kendall. There's crying and squeals and hugs, and now wow, game on excitement is really building. 

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And I'm trying to calm her down and reassure wrong thing to do. I'm like, we got time, honey. Carnegie Hall's right next door. I've seen the entrance to the stage, the backstage door. It's literally 90 seconds from here. I saw the security gollard. I saw the metal detector. I checked it out. We were going to go through it. Easy peasy. I don't even think she heard me. She's now in that state where she's ramped up. So we get into the elevator. Now mind you, we now have an 86-year-old grandmother and her 85-year-old boyfriend tagging along. And so I'm starting to realize, okay, the last thing Kendall probably wants right now is an entourage. And so I start saying, Hey, listen, we don't need to come with you to soundcheck. Seriously, if you just want to go and deal with this yourself, I will go hang out.

 

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And she grabs my arm and says, no, mom, I really want you to be there. So I say, okay. And so her grandmother's like, okay, well we'll just walk you to the door. So we all head out to the hotel, we turn to the right, I see the stage door, it's open right on 56th Street. And I point and I say, honey, it's right there. And she goes, no, it's not. No, it's not. You don't have the information. I have the information. It's on another street. I have the information. Come on, we're going to be late. We're going to be late. I hate being late. And she takes a right and cuts through the building between the hotel and Carnegie Hall and speed walks through the lobby in the wrong direction. And I'm trying to tell her grandmother, okay, you guys go, I'm going to go catch up with her.

 

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Anxiety is now in full charge. She's speed walking like she's at the Olympic speed walking finals and I am now running after her and she's pumping her arms and now she's out the lobby and taking a left on 57th Street. I don't even see her anymore. So I'm running through the lobby. I get out the building by now, she's at the corner and you can tell she's upset. The scarf is flying. She's like, where is it? And I'm like, it's back there. It's back there. And she darts around the thing and I'm like, we got time, we got, and you can just feel it. And none of the doors are open. And so as she goes to every door at Carnegie Hall and kind of grabs, they're not opening. And so that's increasing the thing. And so I start to break into a light jog and I round the corner on 57th and sixth and cut down sixth in the front of Carnegie Hall, and then I go back down 56 to the door that's right next to our hotel.

 

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We have basically sprinted around a New York City block to arrive almost exactly where we were when we walked out of the hotel. And she keeps saying, I hate being late. I hate being late. I hate being late. And I'm like, we're still on time. We're still on time. It is four 13. We should have been 20 minutes early, right? You're right, but we're okay. We go through the metal detector. She asks for directions. The security guards are wonderful. They say, you got to go up to the second floor. She is still repeating in a huff. I hate being late. I hate being late. I hate being late. We round the corner, we hit the up arrow on the elevator looking at the watch. It's okay, it's just four 15 right now. See, I'm late. I'm late. We're in the building. And so now we're starting to bicker the elevator doors open up, we race in. She punches the two. So we can go up to the second floor where she's supposed to go meet all the other musicians, the elevator doors close as she's going, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

 

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And the elevator goes down. It's going to the basement instead of the second floor. And as that elevator dropped, my heart began to sink, and it's just the two of us in there. And Kendall drops her head and puts her hands over her face 

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What if you gave yourself permission to do that, to release the tension, to just let it fricking rip, to just blah scream with all your might to stop holding it in, to stop trying to hold it together. Maybe you're sitting there in the front seat of your car, just let it scream. I would scream right now, but it would really hurt your ears if you have earbuds in, so I'm not going to do that. But you could walk into a bathroom stall. You could pick up a throw pillow. If one of the kids is sleeping or taking a nap, you don't want to wake 'em up. Just walk out the front door and stand in your front yard and just scream it out. Hit the release valve. That's lesson number two, the power of a good scream. Wouldn't it feel so good if you gave yourself permission to just release it all? I mean, Kendall's scream echoed through the elevator shaft. It was like the elevator was shaking, and it not only broke all the tension for her. I'll tell you what, it also sounded the alarm because let me tell you what happened. The second she let out that scream and her fists were by her side, she was like, ah.

 

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As soon as she was done screaming, it was like boom. She was back in control. It never happened. And it was kind of funny because what actually did happen is all of a sudden we hit the basement and the doors open, and there's literally a dude who is clearly run toward the elevator. He's out of breath. He's heard the scream because he's like, are you okay? I heard someone scream and she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I just had a moment. I just needed to just scream. You know how you need to scream sometimes? And he was amazing. He laughed and he was like, oh, I totally get it. Happens all the time in here. He got on the elevator with us, rode up to the main floor, got out on the main floor, so we're still not to the second floor, but because she had screamed, she was no longer stressed out.

 

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She was in her power. It turns out there's a lot of research on how therapeutic screaming can be, and it was such a powerful moment. And researchers speculate as to why. See, after you scream with intention like that, the relief that you feel after a big scream or a good cry is because there's this huge rush of endorphins and peptides produced by the pituitary gland and your central nervous system, and they act on your brain's receptors. It increases the pleasure center, like maybe that's where the control comes from. It reduces pain and stress and it increases strength. Now, this comes from Dr. Brian Bruno, who's the medical director at Mid-City TMS, a 

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It allows you to release the emotion and take control. That's exactly what I witnessed in the elevator because as the elevator started to rise from the lobby up to the second floor, and we got closer to the second floor, and you could hear the piano playing in the rehearsal rooms, the doors of the elevator opened to the second floor, and there we were with all the performers. And the first person that was there to greet us, her buddy Phil, he was waiting like a warm hug. Everything in that moment seemed to reset, and you could feel that things were different because they were.

 

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Don't underestimate the power of a good scream. And you want to know what else feels like a worm? Hug. Our advertisers, I love you guys. They bring this show to you at zero cost. So let's give them a little hug back. You want to release a little tension? Feel free to scream while we're on a short break and know that I will be here waiting for you. We still have two more life lessons, and I'm only just beginning with this story. We haven't even gotten to the good part yet. So don't you go anywhere. We'll be right back. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so thrilled that you're here with me. I'm telling you the story about this random night that our daughter sang her new song, pastime at Carnegie Hall, and the four life lessons I learned, we've covered two already. Number one, it's not that deep.

 

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You got to use that as a phrase to unhook you. When you start getting deep in the emotions and you feel paralyzed, you can also use that to push somebody that you love through their emotions and get them going toward what they want. Second, the power of a good scream. Do not keep that pressure in. Give yourself permission to release it, whether it's a scream, a cry, a sigh, a hug, stop bottling it up and take control. Now, let's move on to lesson number three, which is give someone your pants. I know it makes no sense. It will in a minute, but we are now at the part of the story where we're at Carnegie Hall, the elevator doors have opened up. We are on the second floor where all the rehearsal rooms are and the artists are milling about. And all of a sudden this woman walks by and she is the epitome of cool, and just this woman that looks like an artist.

 

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She's got the coolest clothes on and this cool aura about her. And she was wearing a black leather jacket and a black t-shirt and these super cool big glasses. And she's got this awesome shaggy long haircut, and she has her younger daughter with her, and she's got on these insanely cool pants. They were these black pants that were kind of high wasted, and they fit kind of just right over the hips. And then they went out these huge, not even bell bottoms, you know what it looked like? It looked like a ball gown. You know how a ball gown that you would wear to a big fancy event or something that you would expect a Disney princess to wear some big gown at the bottom? It looked like that. Only when she started walking, you realized, oh my God, those are pants. How freaking cool is that?

 

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And so Kendall turns to me and says, oh my gosh, I think I know that lady because I think she was at the Newport Folk Festival. I recognized not only her, but I think she was wearing those same pants at the Newport Folk Festival. I remember seeing her with some of the artists who were playing at the piano recital with me tonight, and I think she was wearing those same pants. And I was like, we got to find out who makes those pants. And then all of a sudden, Phil's like, dude, no, we got to go play our song. And so we go into the rehearsal room, and this was a super cool moment. Like Kendall and Phil were at the piano in this tiny little room, and I'm crouched down in the corner, and here they are working out the piano arrangement of her song. It's like four 30 in the afternoon at Carnegie Hall on the second floor.

 

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I could have sat crouched in the corner, staying out of their way, just listening to them forever. It was so cool to watch two wildly talented musicians just work and speak this language that I have no idea how people do that. It's fascinating. And before we knew it, it was five 30 and it was time for Kendall and Phil to go downstairs to the stage at Carnegie Hall and do their soundcheck. And before we got there, I had been told all these things about Carnegie Hall. They're super strict and they will kick you out if you try to film. And so I was very cautious about taking any photos or doing whatever. And here we go. We down the elevator again, and then we get on the first floor and we walk into the holding area backstage at the main stage at Carnegie Hall. And as we walk backstage, this woman with a headset and a clipboard comes up, she's running the show.

 

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And it turns out she's a huge fan of this podcast. Oh my God. And so she gave me a huge hug, and I'm like, universe, thank you. And she lets me sit on the stage against the wall so I could watch the rehearsal. So I sat on the stage at Carnegie Hall when the theater was completely empty, and I got to watch everybody warming. It was like the coolest thing. And the lights were purple and blue, and just the majesty of this, I don't even know if that's the right word. There was just so much spirit that was present in that room. And so Phil went first and you could hear everything. It was like when somebody walked up to the piano and Phil went up first and he played his first song a little bit. And I want you to just hear, 

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Girlfriends have borrowed them, people have asked to use them. I just love these pants. And I'm like, well, who makes 'em? She's like, I have no idea. The tag fell out years ago. I keep threatening to copy the pants and make a pair of pants, but she just kind of went on about the pants. So then she switched the topic and she's like, is that your daughter? Because now Kendall was walking up to Phil who had just finished up his kind of mic check. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she goes, it must be so thrilling to see your daughter perform here at Carnegie Hall. And I nodded, and I could feel the tears coming up. 

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I've got a bunch of stuff I borrowed from my roommates, but I really don't know what I should do. And she said, well, you got to wear something fabulous. I mean, it is Carnegie Hall. And Kendall just casually said, I wish I had time to run to a store. I mean, I don't really love everything I have. I wish I had something fabulous like what you're wearing right now. And that was that. We chatted for a few and four minutes. We said goodbye. I went back to the hotel. Kendall went back up to the rehearsal room with Phil. I wished her luck and I thought that was going to be it. And then I get a text from her and she says, you have to come over. It's like seven 30 now. Doors open at eight o'clock. You have to come over. Something incredible just happened.

 

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I'm like, do you need anything? She's like, no, no, no. Just come. Just come. Just come. So I go racing down the elevator, out the front door to the stage door, back up the elevator to the second floor. I'm now in the little room that they were sitting in, 

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And I want to pause here and ask you, what if you lived your whole life like that? What if your possessions were not yours to have, but yours to give and to lend to others to lift them up that the pants that you're wearing right now as you hear my voice, or you watch this on YouTube, that they could be a gift to somebody? I didn't get a chance to thank her in person. I was so moved by it and by just how beautiful they looked on Kendall. It was like Cinderella's slipper. I mean, they fit her perfectly. And the heels that Kendall was wearing were the perfect heights. So she didn't trip on 'em. I was so moved that I just had to reach out to her. So the only way that I knew to reach out to her was to DM her on Instagram. And I want to read you the exchange that we had. 

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We got to lift each other up. You know what I'm saying? Wait till you hear her response. She was like, nah. Honestly, it wasn't even a question in my mind. Feel free to take those pants for a spin too, because I believe you said you have a big speech coming up. So many thoughts. Mel one. Kendall did the most incredible job. Wow. I felt so thrilled for her and for my pants. Her look was worthy of the magnitude of the event, though I was thinking the entire time, don't trip. Don't trip. Which is my norm in those puppies. But what I've been thinking about all day and something that I honestly will not soon forget, was watching a mom, you watch her daughter prepare to sing on stage at Carnegie Hall that afternoon. Maybe it was the fact that I was sitting there with my own daughter and feeling this beautiful core life memory forming in her own little heart.

 

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But I can't describe what I was feeling at that moment, enough to do it justice, just that I felt such joy coming from you. And I felt such joy for you as a mother different than I was feeling for Kendall, even as the performer. It must have been emanating off of you because man, oh man, I was picking up what you were putting out. The confidence you have created and supported in your daughter is obvious to all who meet her and meeting you two together. I know. Why may I give my daughter the same light you've given yours?

 

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And here I thought the moment that she gave Kendall the pants was the profound thing. It was actually that message that she sent to me that really hit me. So I not only got a very good life lesson out of that random night, I'm really happy that I also now have a really cool female friend named Leanne Ford. And that brings me to the fourth and final lesson.

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But when she started singing, I couldn't help but leaned forward into the moment and I forgot about the camera and I forgot about where I was. And I just was present in the moment. And as I took in every single second of her performance, I had no idea that I had tilted forward so far that I was filming the railing in front of me. I didn't get any of it on camera, but I'm glad I didn't because you can't be present to your phone and present to your life at the same time. Don't be so obsessed with capturing everything because you'll miss out on experiencing it. And one more thing, in case no one else tells you this today, let me be the one to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. It's not that deep to go do it. I'll see you in a few days.

 

Kendall Robbins (00:56:34):

I'm looking forward to last week, can't keep track of the time months gone by. You're yet to have me. You were already moving on way before you. I think you do wrong, but you never asked me was never cared about a word. I say, really wanted to talk to you and even like you wanted to, and I just wanted to hear about what you was thinking about. You talk your way. I just wanted know the truth. And I think that you know it too, baby. I feel like I was a ahead and act like I, you felt the, I decided the same. I met you.

 

(00:58:05):

Wondering why you were ready for now talking about this relationship between those. I'm you to say, I seen love was looking your way, wondering why you were looking away. Just don't understand your rejection. It a body connection. That's hearsay evidence. Clearly sex wasn't case, but I got carried away. I got a sweet tooth. You just gave me a taste. Really wanted to make it a day. You were looking for something new, baby. I was pastime. Go ahead and act like I, knowing nothing could have made you say you felt the same. I decided the same. I, and it's, I was thinking one of kind. You were the truth and act like I could

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:37):

And for you on YouTube. I just want to remind you, in case nobody else says this, I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life because it's not that deep. So go do it. I also want to thank you, by the way, for being here with me. Please subscribe to this channel. Please, please, please. It really makes a difference in my ability to bring you new videos every single day for free. Please share this episode with somebody who will benefit from it and love it just like you did. And I know you're thinking, okay, what else can I watch? You're going to want to watch this one. These four words will silence your self-doubt. This is a life-changing conversation. You don't want to miss.