The Secret to Stopping Fear & Anxiety (That Actually Works)

(00:25:14):

If we got bad weather, windy wind shears, birds flying in, were in danger zone and the nervousness spikes the closer we're getting to the airport, Cameron, I'm starting to lose my sense of taste. I'm starting to get dry mouth. I'm starting to get sweaty palms. I get to the airport and I am literally the nicest person you've ever met in your entire life. I am like sugar on a donut with every single airport employee because I figure that if I have good karma, God is watching and that will help me. I then go through baggage claim. I get to the gate very early, and when I get to the gate, Cameron, I am looking across the gate area and I'm looking for three particular types of passengers. The passengers I'm looking for in my gate area. I'm looking for somebody, a man or a woman in uniform.

 

(00:26:13):

So we want somebody in the military on the plane. I'm looking for somebody in a wheelchair, I'm looking for somebody with a baby. And boy if we have a priest, a nun, a monk, anybody that is of religious nature, boom. I'm feeling better. The nervousness has gone down a little bit. I can say to myself, if these folks are getting on my plane, God is not going to let this plane go down. Then that gets me on the plane. I get on the plane, I take a to the left as we're boarding, I want to see a crew cut. I want to see a crew cut on one of the pilots because I want Air force or Navy kind of cut. If I know that I can see military upfront on one of those pilots, I can take another deep breath. So I'm ratcheting it down.

 

(00:27:00):

Then I get in my seat and I start firing off the text to everybody that I know and love in case this sucker goes down. And that's when the hyperventilating starts. I basically am starting to go from nervousness to anxiety and toward panic as the plane is now taking off as we're taking off, I'm holding my breath and I'm trying not to defecate in my jeans. And then the plane does that thing after it takes off where it goes, and then all of a sudden, you know where it goes to level off and it makes that weird sound. It's like, and it sounds like it's going to fall out of the air. That's where I lose my shit. I literally start panic texting Chris. I grab the hand of the stranger next to me. I start hyperventilating. That's where all bets are off. And I'm basically in a freaked out state.

 

(00:27:48):

The poor person next to me is going, oh my God, how did I get seated next to this freak? And I'm slowly trying to calm myself down and I'm basically in that state until either the seatbelt sign goes off or the beverage cart comes out. Because I figure once the captain has told us the seatbelt sign is off, or the beverage cart is out in the aisle, we're good. They would not release the belts or release the beverage cart if we weren't good. So that's how I used to deal with flying. That's what my life was. And then one day, something very cruel happened. I was on a plane. It was a beautiful day. I was traveling with my family, very short flight. That's another bonus when it comes to being nervous if it's a short flight, a new plane. We're really good. Beautiful day.

 

(00:28:41):

Got all those, we took off with my family hanging out, and the beverage cart was in the aisle, the seatbelt signs were off, and the plane hit an air pocket and it all of a sudden dropped. And then the airbags dropped out, and I literally had a freaking heart attack. And what's interesting is I had spent so much time in my life panicking Cameron that when what hit the fan, there was no panic left. Everybody else on the plane panicked. I was like, oh, this is how this ends. I actually got kind of mad and luckily nothing happened. I mean, the captain just came on and was like, we just hit an air pocket. Everything's fine. We're going to just go a little lower. We don't need to wear the oxygen mask. Of course, then complete idiots. Everybody starts taking photos of themselves with the oxygen masks and we land safely. But here's the problem with that, all of the little superstitious bargaining stuff, oh, if it's good plane, oh, if the beverage, oh, if there's a crew cut, oh, if this happens, then I'm safe.

 

(00:29:46):

I had all those things and something happened. And so it was in that moment that I was like, I have to figure out how to change this because I want to fly a lot. I want to see the world. I don't want to spend five weeks before a test or a big athletic meet or a flight I have to take or some presentation that's important, wracked with nerves. I don't want to sabotage my own potential. I don't want to torture myself with all these stupid fears. And that's basically what you and I are doing. When we allow the nerves, which are normal, it is normal to be nervous. What I'm here to teach you, Cameron, is you don't have to let those nerves control your life or stop you from doing what you want to do with your life. We can flip the script on your own brain and your own nervous system, and we're going to take a short break and when we come back, I'm going to walk you step by step by step through how you do it. And I'm going to teach you this based on research from Harvard Business School. Alright, so Cameron, I'm really excited. I'm going to teach you how to create and use what I call a confidence anchor. Not only when you're about to fly and you're nervous, but for any single situation where you're nervous to do something. Okay? Are you ready?

 

Cameron (00:31:14):

Yep.

Cameron (00:32:03):

I think the thing that I'm most excited for is to see my sister. I haven't seen her in a couple months. She's been in London. So I don't know. When I think about Portugal, there's a lot of things I'm excited for, but probably the biggest thing is just to spend time with her. I love it. Yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (00:32:26):

That's perfect. Okay, great. So you now have something related to the situation that makes you nervous that you're actually excited about. Okay, now number three is the most important part. Number three is now that you have something that you're excited about, I want you to close your eyes...

Cameron (00:33:18):

Well, first of all, she's probably, I dunno, she's probably mad that we're late about something. But when I think about it, we're in probably Lisbon where we're going to land and probably right outside the first glance of a new city, something that is always really exciting when you leave an airport. I think that's the best part about flying is getting to somewhere you're anticipating seeing. So I picture that, I picture her standing there probably in some black sweater, usually what she's wearing. And yeah, I think seeing her face reacting to my mom, me and my brother, that's going to be the best part because I know even if she won't admit it, she does miss us a lot, so.

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:21):

Awesome. And who is she going to hug first?

 

Cameron (00:34:25):

A hundred percent my mom.

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:26):

Okay, awesome. And how amazing.

 

Cameron (00:34:28):

I'll probably be last.

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:29):

And as you stand there and watch her in her black sweater with Lisbon in the background, hugging your mom, what are you feeling?

 

Cameron (00:34:39):

A sense of comfort, a sense of wholeness, and yeah, just a really good feeling to have us all together during a really hard time of the year. It's going to, it's be really special.

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:55):

Yeah. Yeah. And that's your confidence anchor. That moment that you just described in detail, the black sweater, Lisbon in the background, her reaction as she sees you, her hugging your mother first, the wholeness, the comfort, all of that that you just felt in your body, that is your confidence anchor. Now here's how you're going to use it from now until that moment happens, the millisecond that you feel, any nerves or any fear or any negative thought come up related to this thought, you're going to close your eyes. You can use my five second rule to interrupt the worries. Just count backwards with me. 5, 4, 3, 3, 2, 2, 1.

 

(00:35:50):

Yep. That is a starting ritual that will signal to your brain that you're not going to think about a plane crash. You are starting to think about something else. And then you are going to bring to the forefront of your mind that image, that feeling that you just described. And that is how you drop a confidence anchor on these bullshit nerves and worries that have been hijacking your life. That's what a confidence anchor is. 

Cameron (00:37:57):

Wow.

 

Mel Robbins (00:37:58):

What do you think?

 

Cameron (00:38:00):

I mean, it makes sense because I think in the moments of panic, the last thing I'm doing is thinking about anything that brings me happiness. It's always the darkest feelings, the heaviest emotions versus even just closing my eyes just now. I feel so different sitting here. I feel even thinking about that moment makes me happy and I'm excited to use it. I know I'm going to be anxious all next week, week after.

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:35):

So you want to know why this works?

 

Cameron (00:38:37):

I do. Okay. It seems too good to be true, honestly. It seems too good to be

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:41):

True. Well, the reason why it works is because it taps into your body's automatic systems. If you look into the neuroscience on this, scientists call this an autonomic response...

(00:39:41):

It's requiring you to, it makes you feel a little bit vulnerable. But here's the cool thing, even though you have this automatic response, because you're right, there's no way over the next five weeks you're not going to feel anxious because that's the autonomic response that your body has to this stressful thing. But here's the cool thing, Cameron. You can control this. So here's the secret. The secret is understanding that your body's reactions to fear. So your automatic reaction to a fearful situation is the exact same as your body's automatic response to an exciting situation. And we're going to use this truth that your body's automatic reaction to fear is the same as your body's automatic reaction to excitement, to your advantage. So tell me about a situation that makes you excited. Just something like in your day-to-day life. Okay, give me a situation that makes you excited

 

Cameron (00:40:37):

In my day-to-day life,

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:39):

That makes

 

Cameron (00:40:40):

Me

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:40):

Excited. Well, how about this? Who's your favorite musician?

 

Cameron (00:40:44):

I really like the Lumineers.

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:46):

Okay, great. Guess what? The Lumineers are playing a private concert at the new private venue at the Fenway Park. You my friend, not only have front row seats, you're going to meet them before the show.

 

Cameron (00:40:59):

Okay,

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:00):

It's five weeks out. How do you feel?

 

Cameron (00:41:02):

Jittery? A little bit. Kind of the same feeling I would have if I was playing a big soccer game or running an important race when I was younger. Like the clammy hands, the pit in your stomach,

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:17):

Dude, we're walking into this venue, you're walking up to the front row, how are you

 

Cameron (00:41:21):

Feeling? My heart's beating fast. I'm going a million miles an hour. I don't know, probably feeling really on edge.

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:31):

Yeah, the usher is coming up to be like, okay, they're ready to meet you. How are you feeling?

 

Cameron (00:41:38):

I'd be like, okay, okay, let me collect myself. Yeah, probably really flustered and I don't know, a little bit anxious probably.

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:51):

So it kind of sounds like a situation like that where you're about to meet your favorite band, which I would say is that a positive or a negative experience?

 

Cameron (00:42:02):

Yeah, that'd be amazing. I mean a positive one, obviously.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:06):

Well, it sounds very similar to the way that you experience the thought of flying to Portugal.

 

Cameron (00:42:14):

Yeah, I guess that's true.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:17):

Yeah. You want to know the only difference when you're in the situation that's positive, that makes you excited and you're about to meet the Lumineers, your brain is telling you you're excited, your brain is telling you the jitters in your stomach are butterflies, and that's a good thing. Your brain is telling you, your hands are clammy and your heart is racing because something good's about to happen. The only difference between that and what you experience as you think about flying to Portugal is what your brain is saying about the flight. When you start to experience butterflies in your stomach as you are about to board the flight, your brain's going, oh, there's something wrong. This is negative. The plane's going to crash. You're experiencing in your body, Cameron, the exact same physical and physiological symptoms when you meet the Lumineers is when you board a plane. And the only difference is what your brain is saying about it. And so the reason why a confidence anchor works is we are going to shut your negative brain down and drop this confidence anchor right on it like a sledgehammer, and we're going to replace your narrative that something's wrong with holy shit, I'm about to see my sister. This is so exciting. It's as exciting as meeting the Lumineers. And when your brain starts to say the butterflies are positive, you won't escalate into a panic attack. You will have taken control. How cool is that?

 

Cameron (00:43:48):

That's pretty cool.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:50):

So do you have any questions about the confidence anchor and how you're going to use it?

 

Cameron (00:43:56):

It just honestly seems still a little bit too good to be true. I don't know, I can just conquer all my fears just by flipping the way I'm thinking.

 

Mel Robbins (00:44:09):

There's a scientific reason why this works. So they researched this at Harvard Business School and what they did is they put people in control groups and put them in situations that made them nervous. So they put one group into a control group where they had to run a track meet, another one had to sing karaoke. Another one was in a debating competition. And they taught one group of people to use this reframing tool where you think about something related to the track meet or the debating competition or karaoke that you're excited about. And so this group was taught to say, I'm excited. I'm excited to run this meet. I'm excited to get up there on the stage and conquer my fears. I'm excited to go and debate because I've prepared the people who use this simple reframing tool outperformed the people who didn't. They felt less nervous. And there's a scientific reason why earlier we talked about the fact that there are these automatic responses that our body has to situations that are exciting or stressful. And in our case, Cameron, we talked about the Lumineers and how that's exciting. Meeting the Lumineers and getting on a plane to Portugal, which used to make you nervous just talking about those two situations, created an automatic response in your body, didn't it?

 

(00:45:28):

That automatic response is nothing more than a series of chemicals firing and messages firing between your brain and your nervous system. The reason why you and I get butterflies is because when the brain sends a message down to your nervous system that Holy cow, we got to get on a plane or holy cow, the Lumineers are about to walk in, your nervous system goes, oh, got it. And immediately starts changing up the chemicals in your body. Adrenaline fires the blood races to your head and to your heart. That's why your heart starts pounding. That's why your thoughts start to race. Now. You get butterflies because the signal in your brain going to your gut just changed the chemicals in your digestive tract. That's why we all get butterflies. That's it. So in the situation with the Lumineers, you flipped your thoughts. I'm excited to meet them.

 

(00:46:25):

And so that explains all the reasons why you have all these changes going on in your body, why your heart is racing, why your butterflies are in your stomach. This automatic response doesn't scare you because you're thinking positive thoughts when it comes to the Lumineers. Now, when you get on the plane and your brain signals to your stomach that something's up and your heart starts to race because the blood goes to your heart and the butterflies start to flutter in your stomach because the chemical structure just changed in your digestive track, if you have negative thoughts about the plane, a couple things happen. You start to get scared of the automatic response in your body and more cortisol starts to flood your brain, which is the stress hormone. And once that happens, what they found at the Harvard Business School study is that the cortisol interferes with your brain's ability to do whatever you had prepared to do.

 

(00:47:33):

This is why most of us, when we stand on a stage go blank, it's because we have an automatic response. Our brain goes, oh shit, we get scared of our racing heart because we think it means that the plane's about to crash or we're about to screw something up. The cortisol floods our brain and we forget what we prepared. When the cortisol floods your brain, you forget about seeing your sister, you forget about all the exciting things. You forget about all the research that you did, that shows that traveling by commercial airplane is the safest way to travel, period. That's why this matters. And it's more than just thinking positive thoughts. It's critical that you come up with the thing you're excited about before you get into the situation. Because once your thoughts start to race and you're like, oh my God, I'm going to screw up this test, or Oh my God, I'm going to screw up this interview, or Oh no, the plane, you've already lost control. You have to come up with this exciting anchor and this confidence anchor before you start to get nervous. Got it.

 

Cameron (00:48:41):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (00:48:43):

Any other questions?

 

Cameron (00:48:47):

It just makes so much sense. I always have taken the approach of calm down cam, kind of making myself to be the bad guy and not really reframing it in any way. Just letting myself kind of soak in all the stress and anxiety and just kind of reprimand myself being like, what the heck? Why are you not just calming down? There's a 6-year-old that's bouncing around and it's like, oh, I love when the plane goes up and down. And it's like, why can't I be like that 6-year-old? But

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:27):

Lemme tell you

 

Cameron (00:49:28):

Why

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:28):

This is excellent, Cameron, let me tell you why you can't hide by that. I love this analogy. The six-year old's brain is not attaching negative thoughts to the plane bouncing up and down as far as the six-year-old is concerned. This is exciting. That's why they're not panicking. And so the reason why in the history of telling yourself to calm down you have never been able to calm down is because you are dealing with an automatic response in your body. So let's go back to the science. When you get into a situation that makes you nervous or that makes you stressed out or makes you afraid or that makes you excited, those are states in your body of high agitation. Those are states of alertness. Those are states when your blood starts pumping and your brain starts paying attention and everything kind of aligns because you're about to do something that makes you excited or fun or nervous or afraid.

 

(00:50:32):

And so you go into a state of being hyper alert, that state of high agitation is one that you can't calm down like that. So what we're doing when we teach you to create a confidence anchor and to use excitement to reframe what you're feeling is we're taking a state of high agitation from the negative to a state of high agitation in the positive. We're actually using the automatic response in our body to our advantage, and we're just tricking our brain to believe that we're actually excited because our brain doesn't know the difference. Your brain is like the six-year-old. Your brain actually doesn't know the difference between excitement and fear 

Cameron (00:52:15):

Sienna,

 

Mel Robbins (00:52:16):

I'm so excited to see Sienna. I'm so excited to see Sienna. I cannot wait for Sienna to hug my mom. I cannot wait for this. If you come back to that confidence anchor, you are going to flip your brain into believing that you're excited about that moment and you will no longer be afraid. And it's a way to gain control and you wanted something really cool because your confidence anchor is related to what you're doing. It's really believable because when you are there hugging your sister, it means the plane made it and there's nothing to be worried about. That's why this works. When you imagine before a test yourself walking out of there going, yes, it actually makes you excited to take it. When you imagine yourself nailing the interview, it makes you excited to walk into it because your brain doesn't know the difference between a state of fear or a state of excitement, and now a simple trick backed by research from Harvard to take control of your mind and take control in situations where nerves normally derail you.

 

Cameron (00:53:29):

Yeah, that's amazing. I think that was always in the back of my head during our conversation was if I'm still, I feel fear in a lot of different areas of my life, not when I'm just in the air. So when I'm on the ground, how can I use this tool to ground myself even if I'm not sure the outcome of it?

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:55):

I love this. Okay, great question. I want you to take out a notebook and you're going to write down any single thing that makes you nervous. Could be anything. I mean, give me a couple.

 

Cameron (00:54:11):

There's a long list probably, but off the top of my head, something that I don't know I really wish that I could beat the fear on is I recently moved, not that far, but there's a really nice yoga studio on my street that I pass every day. And I just always think I need to be a part of a community of 20 somethings that are like-minded, that I've always loved yoga, I've loved the community it brings, but I cannot bring myself to sign up and I can't bring myself up. I just constantly think about the day I have to show up for my first class. And it makes me way too anxious to even go.

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:07):

This is an excellent example. And by the way, incredibly common and very relatable, so I'm really glad you shared it. So you're going to do the exact same thing. We're going to create a confidence anchor because what I hear is, I hear you want to do it. I hear it pulling you and the nerves are keeping you back. So name something you're excited about. So can you pick a coffee shop in your neighborhood that you love to go to, and it's going to be your treat to get a nice latte when you're done. Yep.

 

Cameron (00:55:44):

Do you want to name it? Yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:45):

I do.

 

Cameron (00:55:47):

It's called thinking cup.

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:49):

I love thinking cup. Now you're going to close your eyes. What color yoga tights are you wearing?

 

Cameron (00:55:58):

Oh God, maybe I have this really nice light blue ones that I always like to wear.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:04):

I love it. And as a treat, because you went to this relaxing yoga class in your light blue tights sweatshirt tied around your waist, yoga bag over your shoulder, standing at thinking cup. What did you order?

 

Cameron (00:56:21):

Probably an iced oat milk latte.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:24):

Love it. Love it. How do you feel?

 

Cameron (00:56:26):

Yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:27):

As you're walking out of the thinking cup, having just completed that class and treating yourself to that, how do you feel right now?

 

Cameron (00:56:37):

Proud of myself for doing it.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:39):

Awesome. There's your confidence anchor. Anytime you feel nervous, you're going to count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 to interrupt the nerves and create that starting ritual. And you're going to drop that confidence anchor. And what's going to happen is it's going to slowly retrain your mind that you're not nervous about joining that yoga studio. You're actually excited. And when you start to practice this confidence anchor, at some point you're going to find yourself walking down the street and there's the studio. And as that wave, because remember, it's automatic, that automatic response comes up, you're about to do something new. You get to choose whether your brain says no or yes. And using the confidence anchor in this research from Harvard in the five second rule, you can flip that moment from one of stress to one. That's something awesome because you have the power to make your brain say, yes, I'm excited to do that, and I'm going to walk in today and I'm going to sign up for that relaxing yoga class.

 

(00:57:57):

And I am going to imagine how great I'm going to feel in my hot, amazing light blue yoga tights as I sip that oak milk latte and walk out a thinking cup as my reward for getting it done. And that my friend, is how you use science to conquer your fears and create the life that you love. And I have a feeling, Cameron, and I have a feeling for you listening to us too, that this little technique is not only going to help you tee up and knock off one thing after another that you're afraid to do or nervous to do, whether it's jumping on a plane or walking into a yoga studio or asking somebody out or working on your side hustle. I think what it's actually going to do is not only get you an action, I think it's going to help you reprogram your mind because I don't think you realize, Cameron, how much feeling on edge and nervous is a default for you and how much it's actually holding you back and robbing you of the happiness you deserve. Any final thoughts that you want to say?

 

Cameron (00:59:09):

I feel really thankful and also excited to use this. I think you summarized it perfectly. I think we're all probably victim of living in this nervous state, and it makes me sad to feel like I'm not present in the things that matter, which is going to be being present with my family in Portugal or being present in a yoga class. And those are really important things. And so definitely I feel energized. I want to take back that control or try to just embrace that a little bit. Yes, yes. So

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:57):

Yes, you know what I am. I'm fucking excited for you because I not only see you opening new doors in your life. I see you kicking them down and marching through them.

 

Cameron (01:00:16):

Yeah, I'll send you a video on the plane.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:19):

You can't wait.

 

Cameron (01:00:20):

You can share the stories.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:21):

Alright, we will. We will. We're rooting for you, Cameron, and I'm really excited for you and thank you for being willing to come on and have this conversation because I know it's going to impact the lives of just millions of people. I know it.

 

Cameron (01:00:34):

Of course.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:35):

And you're going to have an amazing time in Portugal and I cannot wait to hear about the yoga class, young lady. Alright. And for you listening, thank you for being here. I want to tell you that I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to face these things that make you nervous and flip it into a situation that makes you excited and proud. Alright, now take these tools and go create a better life. I'll see you in a few days.

 

(01:01:17):

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.