Episode: 144
This One Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life
a Solo Episode
Make your time truly matter.
Before you waste another day of your life, you need to hear the six shocking statistics from a ten-year long study about what you’re doing with your time.
Because the hard reality is that time is passing you by. And if that bothers you, this episode will get you doing something about it.
Listen on:
You have the opportunity from this moment forward to be the architect of building a life that makes the most of the time that you have.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00):
My intention is to wake you up. To wake you up to the reality of how time is passing you by, and how much of your time you're probably spending on things that are not important to you. I want you to be more intentional about how you spend your time, who you spend your time with, and if you value this, wake the hell up and start prioritizing it. Time is going to pass you by no matter what. You get to create what you're doing in the time that you have. I want you to feel inspired and empowered to get intentional about how you're spending your time because how you spend your time is what your life is all about.
(00:40):
Hey, it's your friend, Mel, thank you so much for being here with me. And also thank you for taking the time to listen to something that could actually help you improve your life. I think that's really cool. Now, there is something that I cannot wait to talk to you about. I saw this 10 year long research study, it's called like the American Time Study. Wait till I explain what this study tells you about time. And before we jump into that study, I just have to ask you, because time is passing by, please hit subscribe. My goal this year is to make sure that everybody that tunes into this channel, 50% of you are a subscriber. It's free. It really helps me bring you new videos every single day. Please, please, please just take a second, hit subscribe and that would be a huge deal. Alright, you ready?
(01:30):
Let's jump in. There are six shocking statistics about how you are spending your time and who you are spending your time with over the course of your life. And here's why I want to talk to you about this. When I saw this data about how I'm spending my time over my lifetime and who I'm spending it with, it was like a wake up call that lit a fire under my ass. And oh my God, when you see these six takeaways and the data, it's like depressing and inspiring because what you're going to learn today is there are critical moments in your life that change your relationships forever. Like for example, when you turn 18, the time you spend with your family and siblings drops off a cliff. When you turn 29, something crazy happens with friendship when you turn 42, something else dramatic happens. And then again, when you're 50, when you're 60 again, when you're 70, and you are always asking me for information to help you make your life better. And let me tell you something, today's conversation is absolutely going to inspire you to do it. So I want to start our talk today by just asking you a couple questions. They're easy, don't worry about it. You don't need a pen or paper. You can answer these in your mind as I ask you. You ready?
Mel Robbins (02:50):
Here's the first one. Can you name the last five artists that won Artist of the year at the Grammys? Me either or what about the last five companies that were at the top of the Inc 500 list, the last five winners of the Olympic Gold medal in women's gymnastics? Nope. Me either. You want to know why? Because it doesn't really matter to the average person who cares? But I bet you can name your five favorite people that you've ever worked with. Just stop and think about them. You probably even see their faces pop up into your mind. Or how about the five people that you always laugh the hardest with? If you're going to see these five people, you are going to have the kind of laughter where your head hurts, you're laughing so hard, or what about the five people who had the biggest impact on your life, five favorite memories with your siblings, or if you don't have siblings, five of your favorite memories with your parents. Here's another great thing to think about. Think about the five people you used to spend a ton of time with, but you don't see 'em anymore, but you really do miss 'em.
(04:14):
What's interesting about all those questions I just asked you, I bet you can answer all of them. You can give me five specific names or five specific memories for every one of those questions. Why? Well, because of how those people made you feel. And that brings me to today's topic. So I mentioned this research study. The research study I want to talk to you about is called the American Time Use Survey. And it's this big study where researchers collected data for over 10 years and here's what they were looking for. They were looking at how social connections evolved through the average person's lifetime. And I'm sure you've heard that saying it's all over the internet that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And there's no doubt that having healthy relationships with other people and with yourself is one of the single most important pillars of a great life.
(05:12):
Now, what we're going to look at today is what the research found over 10 years about who you spend time with over the course of your lifetime and how that changes over the course of your lifetime. Now, one giant caveat is that they only looked at data over 10 years with Americans. And regardless of where you're listening though or whatever your cultural background might be, I guarantee you there is something that you'll learn in this data that will make you approach your relationships differently. It will make you look at friendship, your relationship with your parents or your siblings, where you're working, your relationship with your kids, with your partner, with yourself in a very different way. I know it did for me. And so here's my intention with our conversation today. My intention is to wake you up, to wake you up to the reality of how time is passing you by and how much of your time you're probably spending on things that are not important to you.
(06:18):
And so here's how the conversation's going to go today, I'm going to walk you through the six key takeaways and if you want to see the data and the charts, which I think you would find them very compelling, all you got to do is go to my social media, Mel Robbins, that's the handle on all the accounts or go down to the resources which we have for every show, and we'll link to the post because I want you to see the grasp with your own eyes because they are so compelling and I got 'em right here in my hand. And when you see the reality, and that's what I want to hammer into your head, in my head, the reality. The reality of how time is impacting your relationships with your parents, your siblings, your partner, your friends, your kids, and your coworkers. This is not a fantasy.
(07:02):
This is the reality of your life. And I want you to be more intentional from this point forward about how you spend your time, who you spend your time with. That's what this is about, to align your life with choices that match the reality of how fast time is going by. And look, everything that's already happened, that's in the rear view mirror. We cannot change the past, we know that. But you can learn from it and you can learn from this data and you can take from this moment and look forward and you can use the data you're about to learn to change your life for the better. So let's go through these six crazy statistics on who you spend your time with over the course of your life. And the first one is about family. So let's talk about your family. I mean, everybody loves to complain about their family, don't we?
(07:52):
In fact, as I record this right now, I'm in a bit of a little tiff with one of our kids. They haven't talked to me in 48 hours. And so I'm not immune to the kind of challenges that can come in family relationships, but this little tiff will pass. And I notice that anytime I post something online about narcissism or toxic behavior, you guys go crazy over those kinds of posts. Yeah, yeah. Cut them out of my life. Yeah, narcissists. But today I want to talk about the reality. And the reality is your time with your family is limited. And I'm talking about both your parents and your siblings. Your time is limited, and I'm going to break this down for you because I don't think we stop and think about this in terms of the data. We think about it in terms of kind of generally how your life feels. But let me just explain what happens. For the average person...
Mel Robbins (08:51):
From zero to 18, those are the years that you will spend the most amount of time that you have with your parents and your siblings. And sometimes that time can feel like a prison. But the truth is when you zoom out and you really look at the data, it's very sobering. Here it is. When you turn 18, the amount of time that you spend with siblings and parents, it basically drops off a cliff. And you know this and it keeps dropping until you reach about age 26. And when you reach age 26 based on the data, you are now at a flat line for the rest of your life that whatever time you're spending on a daily basis with your family, meaning your parents and your siblings, that's it. And if you're lucky, it tops out at less than an hour a day.
(09:44):
Now for those of you that are part of a big family farm or you have a big family business or you're a family where you have a multi-generational house, which I think is super cool, you see your family a little bit more than average, but I want you to stop and think about this. You never see your family. You we lived a mile from Chris's oldest brother. As we were raising our kids outside of Boston, we never saw them. And Chris and I, we would talk about it all the time. Why don't we hang out with your brother more? It's almost like because they're family, you sort of put them in the box of just defaulting to see them over the holidays, right? And here's another example. My mother-in-law, she lives three miles from me now, she's 86 and her social calendar is busier than mine.
(10:26):
Plus I work full time. I'm lucky when she's here in Vermont, if I see her once every two weeks, why? I don't know. I guess I don't really prioritize it. It's not that I don't like her, I just don't really think about it.
Mel Robbins (10:45):
And let me just take a giant highlighter and really put this in perspective about how fleeting your time is with your parents and your siblings. My dad, Bob, he's turning 80 this year. His father was dead by the age of 81. Chris's dad died at the age of 69 from esophageal cancer. So let's just say I'm lucky and my dad lives another 10 years now. My dad and mom, they live in Michigan, so I only see my dad three or four times a year. So let's put that in the context of how much time I have with him. If he lives 10 years, that's 30 more weekends with my dad.
(11:29):
When you do the math that way, doesn't it make you think differently about it? Take my sibling, my brother, he lives in Chicago and Derek's got two twin boys who are freshmen in high school and his public high school schedule and our public high school schedule, they are not on the same breaks ever. And so it's not like we can go on spring break together, plus his kids are in competitive sports all summer long. Our son's going to go to college next year. When are we going to see each other? And this isn't a statistic where I'm trying to guilt you. This is the facts and I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents or with your siblings. So I want to ask you this question in the context of this statistic, especially as your parents are getting older. If you think about this moment and you look forward and you think about the limited amount of time that you have, what kind of daughter or son do you want to be from this moment moving on?
(12:29):
What kind of a brother or sister do you want to be from this moment moving forward? And look, maybe you've been listening to the experts that we've had on narcissism and difficult people and you're like, that's it, I'm cutting 'em out. But for most of us, when you really stop and think about the reality that time is slipping through your hands and this person is the way that they are and they are the way that they are because of their upbringing, their past experiences and their unhealed trauma, and there's nothing you're going to do to change it. But who do you want to be? And I want you to really think about this. This is why I call my parents three times a week. I just do it to check in because of who I want to be. And I find personally that the more that I check in, the better our relationship is, the more that they soften, the warmer that they are.
(13:26):
And I realize why. It's because when I call, they don't feel forgotten. And it does make me incredibly sad to think that I might only spend 30 more weekends with my dad. And look, I need to say my mom and dad, but my dad's older, so he's the one that's top of mind. And my mom just turned 75, she's still kicking. So mom, I need to see you too in case you're listening. And as I'm sitting here, I can't help but think, and I bet you're starting to think this too. Maybe I should find a weekend in the next month to go down and see them. I mean, you just never know, right? Even though I saw 'em a couple weeks ago, maybe I should make another plan. And I think that's a big takeaway. First of all, your time is limited. Do the math and think about how little time you actually have.
(14:16):
And the second big takeaway is always have the next plan for when you're going to see them next. That helps me a ton to know that I've got something in the books, we have something to look forward to and that I'm checking in just because that's the kind of person that I want to be. And it's important that you think about this because enjoying your relationships, it's not just about savoring them and being grateful that you have the time to have with them because we all, and I don't mean to be making fun, of being grateful, but it can become very surface level. My message today is look at the data, look at the reality. And if you value this, your parents and your siblings wake the hell up and start prioritizing it. And that's what I've been doing. In fact, over the holidays we went on two back-to-back grandparent trips.
(15:08):
I dunno if you've done any of those, but when the big milestone birthday happens, it's pretty awesome. Chris's mom turned 85 and so she brought together her three sons and all the kids, which meant nine cousins, six adults, and Judy and her partner on two sailboats. It was super awesome. And here's what I realized as we were all together. Do you know the last time that all 18 of us got together? It was 10 years ago. And I bet that's true with your family too because the older you get, the harder it is to get everybody together. If I think about my family on Chris's side, nine cousins, they're all over the place. We've got cousins in Texas and Colorado and New York City and some in college and some graduate, and they're living their lives. It's the reality and it's difficult to get that many people together.
(15:56):
And so I'm proud that we did that for Chris's mom for her 85th. And by the way, right after that, we went and spent the weekend with my entire family to celebrate my mom's 75th. And if you've ever been at a big gathering like that, a milestone birthday for a parent or a grandparent where everybody's there, I'm willing to bet it's one of the happiest times you'll ever see 'em because it's insanely difficult to get everyone together once people turn 18. And that is what the state is saying, your time with your family is incredibly scarce once you turn 18, take it seriously. And you want to know one thing I'd love for you to do one way you could take it seriously, share this episode with your siblings and your parents and your kids and your favorite niece or nephew or your cousin or your favorite aunt.
(16:52):
And if you're listening to my voice right now because one of your family members sent this episode to you, the message from that person and your family to you that they wanted me to deliver is this. They miss you, they love you, this matters. So let's get a date on the calendar and let's get together because we're going to regret it if we don't. And time is going to keep on going regardless of what we do with it. So make a date and make it happen. I told you this would be eyeopening and sobering and inspiring. And that's just statistic number one about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. We still have five more statistics to unpack all of them equally profound. The next one is very eyeopening because it's about what happens to you between the ages of 20 and 60, this 40 year span during the ages of 20 and 60.
(17:47):
Who do you think you're spending most of your time with? The answer will surprise you and we're going to unpack it when we come back. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and you and I are talking about six shocking statistics. I got the graphs right here in my hand and it's shocking statistics from a 10 year study on who you spend your time with over the course of your life. And this really changed a lot for me. It's a study called the American Time Study. It's a 10 year study. And when I first saw these six takeaways from the study, it was depressing. And then once I kind of sobered up a little bit from the depressing news, it lit a fire under my ass and it pushed me to prioritize certain relationships while I still have the time to do it.
(18:35):
Now you and I have already covered takeaway number one, which is when you turn 18, the amount of time you spend with your parents and your siblings falls right off a cliff and then it flatlines at age 26 for the rest of your life. And if that bothers you, the message is do something about it. This is happening not because your siblings hate you. This is happening because of how we start to spend our time as we age. There is data that explains all this, but just because this is the average, you don't have to be the average. You got that good. So let's dig into the next five and this next one is really interesting. The second key takeaway shows
Mel Robbins (19:15):
Who you spend the most time with between the ages of 20 and 60. Any guesses if you guess your coworkers? Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. You're right. So what is the takeaway from this? Well, the takeaway is something that I believe is really important for you to grasp. It's this. The people that you work with day in and day out have a huge impact on the quality of your life because based on research, 40 years of your life, these are the people you spend the most time with. Be choosy. It's not just about the money. If you prioritize a great work environment, which I want you to do, you're not only going to reach your financial goals, but you will also surround yourself with coworkers that create energy in your life and that help you tap into a deeper potential inside of you. See, your coworkers are a net positive or a net negative. And so I want you to think about this because we think about work in a really selfish and narrow way.
(20:23):
What's my job? What's my title? How much money do I make? How do I climb the ladder? How do I get this? How do I get that? But I want you to lift your head up and wake up to the fact that you're going to spend 40 years in the workforce or volunteering or doing something outside the house. And the people that you are doing that with really matter. Companies are not just spreadsheets, companies are made up of people. So pick good people. One more thing because I can hear you start to go, you're not stuck with a boss. You're not stuck with a toxic coworker. You're not stuck where you're working right now, if I ask you name your three favorite coworkers that you've ever worked with, immediately three faces would pop into your mind. You'd immediately remember laughing in the break room or that all-nighter that you pilled doing something or some other thing that you did while you're on the road for work.
(21:21):
If I asked you name the most toxic person you've ever worked with, boom. Bad apple right there cannot stand that person. See them coming duck into a cubicle. Oh my God, avoid them like the plague. In fact, there's research that shows that person you're thinking about. If they are festering, they can take down an entire team. It's called the bad apple effect. This is how important the people around you are in terms of influencing how you feel in your day-to-day life. And there's just endless research about why people leave jobs. And one of the biggest reasons why people leave a job, this comes from Gallup. Number one reason is because they can't stand the person they work for. So here are the takeaways. Do not stay in a job you hate with people you hate. Do not tell me you need the money because the fact is, if you have this job paying you this much money, you can find another job in a better environment that also pays you that money.
(22:16):
And I'm not hearing your excuses, I'm not hearing any of the BS that you're about to spit out that you can't make it happen or I live in this place, but I'm this years long, but this is 40 years of your fricking life. Second, if you don't like the people you're working with, be intentional about either getting out of that company or cultivating relationships with people in other departments while you're looking for another job. And finally, just like there can be a bad apple at work, be the right apple. Don't let the attitude of where you're working bring down your attitude because there's always something you can do. And I want to wake you up to the fact that where you work and how you feel at work and the people that you are spending time with are going to make up 40 years of your life.
(23:04):
And as time is passing and it's going to keep on passing, you get to choose whether you're going to be in a place that lifts you up or brings you down. And that's takeaway number two between the ages of 20 and 60. You spend the majority of your time with your coworkers. So get serious about where you're working. Alright, let's go to the third statistic and I'm going to warn you the third statistic right here, got the chart right here. This one's a little sad because it explains why you never see your friends. I want you to reflect on your own life for a minute. Can you pinpoint the age when you really started to feel like you didn't see your friends as much? You got that age in mind...
Mel Robbins (23:59):
It probably doesn't surprise you when you hear that for the average person, the time you spend with friends starts to decline at the age of 21 and over the course of your twenties you start to see less and less of your friends. And that brings us to the pivotal age of 29 where all of a sudden the amount of time that you spend with your friends on a daily basis drops off for the rest of your life. And for most people, here's what that means. Your friends become the group that you spend the least amount of time with as you age. I'm going to say that again for most people as you age, friends are the group of people you'll spend the least amount of time with. And if you stop and think about it, it kind of makes sense, right?
(24:46):
I mean, just think about your own experience. You saw your friends every day in middle school and high school or if you went to college or to trade school. And then what happens? You graduate and maybe for a year some of you move in together. And then exactly what the data says starts to happen in your twenties, doesn't it? Everyone starts to do what you're supposed to do. You start focusing on your own life and creating a life for yourself. Maybe you move to a different city or you have different roommates, or you take a job that takes you in a new direction or you go to graduate school and that consumes your life. Or you meet somebody and start falling in love and then you start to spend more time with them. And slowly but surely it's not the same. In fact, I see our daughters going through this right now.
(25:30):
They're 25, 23 post-college and the words they use evaporate, dispersing. Everyone I went to school with is going in different directions and I really feel it. And based on the data, this is going to keep happening until you turn 29. And unless you do something about it, the amount of time that you're going to spend with friends after you're 29 at flat lines, why? Well, you now know because of takeaway number two, you're spending all that time with your coworkers. And as you're going to learn in the next three statistics, a partner starts to enter the scene. Perhaps children, if you decide to have them, they start to enter into your world as well. But here's my message, this data is the average, but you are not average. This is what happens to people who are not paying attention, who are just letting life sweep them downstream.
(26:26):
You can create whatever you want. In fact, as I think about some of the conversations that we've had recently, you'll probably remember me saying that one of the main reasons why people get so stuck and lost in life is because they don't know what they want. And that's why I was like, oh my God, I have to talk to you about the American Times study. I have to share these statistics with you because I want to wake you up and make you realize that this data is reflective of what's happening in your life. And if you're feeling lonely or you've lost touch with friends and it bothers you, you don't have to live like that. If you don't want to be in a crappy work environment, you don't have to let it define your life for a decade. If you like your family and you really want to see them, and you got to make it a priority.
(27:17):
I'm not immune to any of this data either. I mean, I feel like my friendships evaporated. And I also feel, I dunno if you feel this way, maybe this is something that happens when you get older, but I tend to feel like the people that I like also would prefer to be in bed on a Friday night. I'm the kind of person that I can text you at 9:35 PM and be sound asleep at 9 37. So having this framework and having these statistics and these graphs that you can check out and the resources, it really helped me because I'm like, oh, it's not just me. Oh, this makes a lot of sense. Oh, this is what happens in life when you're not really intentional about what you want. And so let me share a framework with you that has really helped me around friendship because I do want to see my friends, but this framework will really simplify it.
Mel Robbins (27:58):
And so let me share a framework with you that has really helped me around friendship because I do want to see my friends, but this framework will really simplify it. You ready? When you think about friendship, think about two Ps, and I'm talking about cultivating friendships. So you are going to be friends naturally based on the first p. And the first P is patterns. So when you have overlapping patterns in your life, you tend to become friends with people. For example, work. You show up at work every single day, that's a pattern. You tend to become friends with people at work because you have an overlapping pattern. Another one, your kids are playing on the same sports team. There's a pattern. Another one, maybe you've taken a pickleball and you're in the same league or you're taking an introduction to pickleball class. There's a pattern. You can become friends with those people. You frequent the same coffee shop. There's another pattern that overlaps you with other people and makes it easier for you to become friends.
(28:56):
Now that brings me to the second P. You're only going to see the people and become friends with people that you prioritize. Period, end of story. Because even if you have all these patterns in your life and you bump into people at the coffee shop or at work or you stand next to them on the sidelines, unless you prioritize it, you make a dinner date, you invite them to a painting class at the local museum, it doesn't happen. And you don't always need to make new friends based on the patterns. Most of the people that I love and that you love, they probably don't live anywhere near you. I know it's annoying, but you've got to make it a priority to create a plan to get together once a year. That's it. Patterns prioritize. Otherwise what? After 29, you're screwed. It drops off a cliff and you're not going to see these people.
(29:42):
It's happening for everybody, but it doesn't have to happen for you. So that covers the first three statistics, and there are three more incredible time truths about who you spend your time with over the course of your life. And if this last one about friends or the family is like, oh God, that's so depressing. I dunno if I can keep listening, you better keep listening because there's a whole lot of good news coming up. And the whole point of this conversation is for me to get you to truly stop time for a minute and ask yourself, what do I actually want? What do I want to feel in my life? Who do I want to see in my life? Who do I want to surround myself in my life? Who is a priority moving forward? And I think you're starting to get my main message loud and clear.
(30:26):
Time is going to pass you by no matter what. You get to create what you're doing in the time that you have. So coming up, we're going to talk about what happens when you turn 29. Yes, your friendships fall off the cliff and flatline, but something else interesting happens. There's actually a person that you'll be spending more and more time with for the rest of your life. And we're going to talk about who that person is when we come back. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And you and I are talking about the American time study and six shocking statistics on who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. And you've already learned that at the age of 18, the time you spend with your parents and siblings drops off a cliff unless you do something about it.
(31:12):
I hope you have already forwarded them this episode. You're probably thinking also about the fact that statistic number two, 40 years of your life, you're going to spend it with your coworkers. And now you're thinking as you're driving to work, oh my God, I got to look for a different job. Or hopefully you're thinking I'm the luckiest person on the planet. I work with people that I love. How cool is this? We've also just unpacked the third statistic about friendship and how friendships basically peak at the age of 18, meaning the amount of time you spend every day with them. And as you get older, it gets harder and harder and harder to spend time with friends unless you pay attention to the two Ps I taught you. What are the patterns in your life and who are you making it a priority to spend time with?
(32:00):
Take the initiative. And I just want to remind you again that this awareness of these trends of how you're spending time, self-awareness is the foundation of creating a better life. Because if you don't know what the issue is, you're never going to be able to solve it. And the issue is simply that we all just go through life and let time passes by. You have the opportunity from this moment forward to be the architect of building a life that makes the most of the time that you have. And just because these are the trends in data and these reflect what most people are experiencing, it doesn't mean that these need to be the trends in your life. And I was so personally moved by this data that I wanted to share it with you because I believe that knowing this, it will empower you to make very meaningful changes.
(32:55):
I think everybody needs to hear this. I think everybody is struggling with this and kind of feeling it, but not really understanding the context. And to me, when I look at the stuff that we've already talked about, no wonder loneliness is an epidemic because nobody understands why it's happening. When you see it over the course of a lifetime in terms of the trends of how you're spending your time and who you're spending it with, you start to see, oh, oh, of course you become lonelier unless you do something about it. And if you don't understand what's happening in the background, you think you're the problem and you're not the problem, it's not true. The problem is that time is passing. And the more that time passes, the more you just kind of go with it. And I want you to do the opposite. I want you to feel inspired and empowered to get intentional about how you're spending your time.
(33:50):
Because how you spend your time is what your life is all about. And that brings me to the fourth takeaway, which is that your life partner is probably the single most important decision you will ever make. This is that statistic at about age 29, there is a person that enters your life for multiple people as you're dating around that you start to spend more and more and more time with as you age. And here's the thing I want you to understand. Do not rush this decision. Do not get married to someone who in your gut is probably not the right person, but you kind of feel like you should do it because everybody's getting married and you're getting to be that age and you're starting to get a little worried. Do not settle because the time you spend with your partner increases every single year until the day of your death and after age 60, this person that is your life partner, they really matter because it's the person you will spend the majority of your time with for the rest of your life.
(35:00):
That's kind of a great test. If you're dating somebody right now, don't look at the person who's standing in front of you right now with the nice car and the fake tan and the group of popular friends and the really cool profile on Hinge. No, ignore what's in the present. Close your eyes and ask yourself this is this person at their core. Is this person on the inside who I would want to be alone with every day, day in and day out when I'm 60? And I want to remind you of the questions about naming your five favorite memories with friends or family. What do they all have in common? Those memories about your favorite friends or the people that make you laugh the loudest or memories with your siblings. They're all about how someone makes you feel. And when you are choosing a partner, dear God, focus on how they make you feel.
(35:58):
The looks are going to fade. The friends that seem all shiny and popular, they're going to disappear into the background that happens in the twenties. And it's hard to keep up with friends as you're an adult, but this human being and how they make you feel, this is what you're signing up for the rest of your life. And if you're single, what we're about to talk about next is really important to embrace right now.
Mel Robbins (36:21)
Because the very best relationship advice I can give you about choosing a partner to do life with is to choose life with yourself first. And by that I mean do whatever you need to be doing in your day-to-day life right now so that you really like yourself and that you are proud of yourself as a person. You're proud of your character, you're proud of how you take care of yourself, how you talk to yourself, the way that you spend your time.
(36:47):
Because when you get the inside right, that relationship with yourself in terms of how you feel about yourself, you're not going to be swayed by the bright, shiny, popular people. You're going to be attracted to people with true character, someone who is worth going the distance with. And that brings me to the fifth statistic about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. And it's this, that when you hit 40 years old, the amount of time that you spend alone climbs and climbs and climbs. That means from 40 on the number of hours per day that you are alone is going to increase those 30 years every single year from the age of 50 to 80 based on the data you are alone every day, more often. And for most people after age 70, you're alone most of the time every day.
(37:49):
Well, not me, I am going to an old person's home. You like one of those places that's like college for old people, back to the dorms, hanging out with people. I'm not going to sit alone in this house. But joking aside, this is a huge takeaway. And the first takeaway is I want to normalize that it is normal to find yourself spending more and more time by yourself. And for me, this can be a really positive thing because this is not a message about you needing to look out into the future and going, oh my God, I'm going to be alone and I'm lonely. No, this is about the need to learn to enjoy time with yourself because when you're really present to being with yourself, whether you're making a cup of tea or reading a book or taking a walk in the woods, think about it.
(38:37):
You're not by yourself, you're with yourself. I'm with myself a lot. I'm in my car driving alone. I'm often at my house or working remote alone. I'm down in my kitchen making lunch alone. I'm heading out the door to go for a walk and yeah, maybe Yolo and homie, my dogs may be there, but there's no other human being. I'm spending time with myself. But here's the thing, and this is what the opportunity is for you. I don't feel lonely. I enjoy spending time with myself and that's what's available to you. And when I do start to feel like something's missing or I feel a little lonely because I have a good relationship with myself, I can see that, oh wow, I'm missing connection and I can go back to the two Ps. I either got to change my patterns of behavior, so I start bumping into people again, or I've got to prioritize reaching out.
(39:30):
And that almost always solves the problem. So the big takeaway here is learn how to love yourself and enjoy yourself and be kind to yourself. Learn how to sign yourself up for a yoga class and take yourself to it. Learn how to reach out to friends when you're feeling a little lonely and be the one that is doing that for yourself. Do that for yourself. Learn how to take yourself out to lunch or for a manicure, learn how to be kinder to yourself. Learn how to find happiness in the time you spend alone and you will enjoy the time that you have. Now, the final statistic on who you spend the most time with over the course of your life, this one is about kids, and it broke my heart. And you can probably guess what the statistic is going to say now that you know takeaway one, remember takeaway one, which is that once you turn 18, the time that you spend on a daily basis with your parents and your siblings, boom drops right off a cliff.
(40:29):
And by the time you are in your twenties, that number has flatlined. And unless you do something dramatic, it's not changing. And here's how that translate to our final statistic. When you become a parent, depending upon when you first become a parent, the majority of the time that you have with your kids will happen in your thirties and forties. And for most of us, there is a precipitous drop that happens in your forties as your kids enter high school and they become more and more independent, you see less and less of them. The busier they get, the less and less of them. And that's supposed to happen. I mean, they're supposed to make friends. They're supposed to go build a life of their own, and then they turn 18, a lot of 'em go off to college or a trade school. And here's the sad news, based on the data, when you turn 52, that number, which is the amount of time you spend with your kid flatlines, and that's where it stays the rest of your life.
(41:36):
And it is shockingly similar to how little time you spend with your own parents or siblings. Now, when I first read that, I beat myself up because I'm 55 right now. That window of time is closed, it's over. My kids are launched, Oakley leaves for college in the fall, still trying to figure out where, but he's going. And if I reflect back on those zero to 18 years, I spent way too many years of their childhood working. I was traveling for work. I missed out on so many milestones, so many sports matches, so much in-person time. However, I love knowing the statistic, and here's why I'm not allowing myself to become a statistic in this regard because here's the thing, there is something you can do. You can become more proactive about going to your kids. You can become more proactive about creating and sustaining that relationship with them as adults.
Mel Robbins (42:44):
Yes, the whole point of parenting is to help your children grow up and become who they're meant to be, which means your job is as a guide and a coach through life. It means helping your children understand who are they, what do they value, what are the implications of their decisions? What are their passions? Who do they want to be? And if you take that approach that your kids are supposed to become independent human beings who are going to leave you and go build a life, that's what success looks like. You can still do that and not lose connection. And how do you do that? Well, based on every expert that's ever been on this show, it seems like the advice is the exact same. Do your kids feel seen? Do they feel safe? And do they feel supported by you? Because if your kids feel seen and safe and supported by you, guess what?
(43:36):
They're not going anywhere. And I want you to stop and think about your own experience with your parents. When you think of your fondest memories as a child, I bet it's in those moments where you felt safe or seen or supported. That's the glue. And the same is true with your kids. If I were to ask your kid, what are your fondest memories of childhood? I guarantee you at the top of the list are those moments where you made them feel safe, seen and supported. That's the secret to everything. If you have a complicated relationship with your parents or a sibling right now, I bet you feel none of those things with them. It is all about how people make you feel. And that means you have some control here. And the interesting thing is, is that I don't know about you, but I've found that the older that my kids get, even though they've physically left, they have not left emotionally.
(44:30):
It's like they need me, but they need me in a different way. They don't need me to drive them somewhere. They don't need the money. What they need is someone that they trust, somebody who they know they can go to and get the support that they need, that they can talk to, run ideas by, to call to laugh, to talk through an issue with. It's a different relationship. And honestly, I enjoy this part of parenting way more than when they were little. I am not the best parent for little kids, but I am loving this adult parenting thing, which by the way, here's my secret plan to not be a statistic. I'm going to rope my kids into business with me because then I can turn them into my coworkers, which means I'm going to see them a ton between the ages of 20 and 60.
(45:11):
See how you can make the data work for you or against you? It's never too late. And that's the other thing here. When you know what you're dealing with in terms of what the actual issue is, you can solve the right problem. The more that your kids or your parents or your siblings feel seen and supported, the closer you're going to be. And by the way, it's never too late to apologize. I feel personally like I apologize all the time for things that I screwed up way back when or screwed up yesterday or could do a little bit better. And it doesn't weaken your relationship. It actually makes it stronger. So there you have it, six surprising statistics about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. And here's one thing I'm going to ask of you. Please send this episode to anybody in your family or a former coworker or a friend you've lost touch with as a way to reach out and get closer to the people that you love.
(46:13):
Do not become a statistic. Become seriously intentional about how you spend the time that you have and who you spend it with. On that note, I got to wrap up our conversation because our son Oakley is a ski racer and he has a race this afternoon, and there is no way in hell I am going to miss it. Why? Because time is slipping through my fingers. He turned 18 this year. I know how good it feels when someone shows up. I mean, think about it when you're dead, nobody stands up at a funeral and says, boy, I wish they would've worked more hours. But they will remember that you always showed up when you could. So thank you for showing up today and spending time with me, and thank you for choosing to listen to something and to learn about something that I believe will truly change how you spend the rest of your life.
(47:08):
And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. Now, go do it. I'll talk to you in a few days and for you on YouTube, I'm going to tell you I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for being here. Please, please, please take a moment and subscribe. It's a huge way that you can support me and support this show. Please share this message with your friends and your family. It's going to make a huge difference. And I know you're thinking, okay, the adult friendship thing. Mel, I need more information. Good. I thought you did. You're going to love watching this. Next, it's the podcast episode we did called The Lies About Adult Friendship and the truth. You need to Hear.
Resources
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- See the charts that are mentioned.
- Sahil Bloom: He shared this data in clear chart format in an eye catching matter; his Instagram to see charts
- World Economic Forum: Who Americans spend most of their time with.
- Our World in Data: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime?
- Our World in Data: How do people across the world spend their time?
- Our World in Data: One-person households becoming increasingly common.
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