Episode: 119
6 Ways to Use My “Let Them” Theory to Improve Any Relationship
a Solo Episode
Frustrated with the people you love?
Use the “Let Them” theory instead.
Mel’s “Let Them” theory went viral with over 63 million views for a reason—it’s the secret to better relationships.
Mel is taking your calls live and teaching you 6 ways to improve any relationship with the “Let Them” theory.
Listen on:
Let them be who they are. Let yourself be who you are. And let yourself do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Liz (00:01):
My parents have gone into a terrible financial crisis due to my father's gambling.
Mel Robbins (00:05):
You're not responsible for your father's gambling addiction and you're not responsible for rescuing your mother from it. They're grown ass adults.
Erin (00:13):
I grew up in a really abusive childhood and it was my job to make sure that my mother was happy. Who are you then? If you're no longer the fixer,
Mel Robbins (00:23):
Who are you?
Erin (00:24):
I've spent my entire life being the fixer. I'll fix it. I'm going to make it right. I'm going to help you. I'm going to solve that problem
Mel Robbins (00:31):
Is fixing everybody else's life, making you happy. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast Today. You and I are doing something so cool. I'm so excited that you're here. You know what we're going to do? I'm taking live calls and I'm answering questions from your fellow Mel Robbins podcast listeners. I'm so excited about this because I have been wanting to talk to you live for so long and today is the day and I'm thrilled because the phone lines are already jammed. And here's what we're going to be talking about. We're going to be talking today about relationships, issues going on in your relationships, and specifically how you can use one of my all time favorite hacks called the Let Them Theory to handle any relationship issue that you have, whether it's with family or somebody you're dating or with friends or siblings or your spouse, like this is going to be so sick.
(01:35):
And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast and you don't have a clue what the Let Them Theory is, no problem.
Mel Robbins (01:42):
I got you. There is no person left behind when it comes to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I know you're taking time for yourself to listen, and so I always take the time to make sure that we got you. And so let me tell you what the Let Them Theory is. The Let Them Theory is just this simple hack, and here it is. Whenever someone is doing something that you don't like, let them. Here's how it works. If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If there's a person that you're really attracted to, you've been dating for a while, but they're not interested in a commitment with you, let them. If your kids don't want to go to the movie this weekend, let them.
(02:18):
If your parents don't want to come see you over the holidays this year, let them. If your spouse jumps ahead in the series you've been watching together, you know how they do that. Let them see. The next time you feel yourself getting annoyed or upset or spiraling out of control, just say these two magic words. Let them, it's very straightforward. There are millions of uses for it. And here's the coolest part. It works every single time you use it because every single time you quietly say to yourself, let them, I don't know what it is, but there's something about that phrase. It has this just magical way of diffusing all the frustration, disappointment, all the upset that you feel. And here's the thing you're going to learn as I take calls from listeners that the Let Them Theory is not about letting people walk all over you or treat you like crap.
(03:13):
That's not what this is about. It's the opposite. You will be more in control when you use it, and here's why. See, when you say Let them, you stop giving your time and energy to other people and to situations that you can't control. And you know what that allows you to do? It allows you to take your time and energy back and figure out what's going to work for you. Now, I've been using the Let Them Theory for months and I got to level with you about something before the Let Them theory. I cannot believe how much time and energy I had been wasting, allowing myself to get so frustrated by stupid things or how much energy I was burning through trying to control other people. And trust me, you start using it, you're going to see, and I can't wait for you to experience it.
Mel Robbins (04:01):
It's truly insane. And I want to tell you the story about how I discovered this particularly in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast. And this is the very first time that you're hearing about this. Let Them theory. And so I'm going to tell you quickly the moment that I discovered this thing, and I need you to brace yourself because this is such a stupid story, but I'm going to tell it to you because it really drives home this point that you and I waste so much time and energy trying to make the world match our expectations. And it's going to stop today. And you're doing the same thing in your relationships and that's causing so many problems in your relationships. And so here's the story. So it was our son, Oakley's Junior prom, and I was just getting all worked up about so many dumb things.
(04:50):
I mean, from the moment we got to the party where you're supposed to take all the photos before prom, all I could think about was all of the things that I wanted to be happening that weren't happening. I just got myself so worked up. You know how this happens in life where you just think things should be going a certain way and then you get annoyed that things aren't going a certain way, and then you start to try to control things or you're judgy about things? Well, that was me. We walk into this pre-prom photo party. Holy cow, this is like a tongue twister when you walk into this party. I'm like, why doesn't this date want a sage? Why didn't all the parents dress up for this party? Why are the kids driving to the prom and not taking a bus to the prom? Why is it raining out right now? Why didn't our son bring an umbrella and get ready for the really, really big thing that got me all twisted up into a knot? Why are these kids going to a taco stand and not going to a fancy restaurant for dinner before prom? And that's when my daughter Kendall reached over and ever so gently grabbed my arm and said, mom, it's Oakley's prom, not yours. If they want to go eat tacos in the pouring rain before prom, let them.
(06:07):
And when she said, let them, I don't know what happened. It's as if she clobbered me with a magic wand. Let them get soaked, let them eat tacos. And as I said, those two words, let them, it was wild. I felt the frustration leave my body. And here's the other thing I felt, and this is really important. I felt my focus shift. It shifted from controlling my son and from having an opinion about everything that was going on around me. And all of a sudden I shifted back to myself. I mean, let them eat tacos. Who cares? Let them get soaked. Who cares, Mel, why not think about what you are going to have for dinner instead of getting all worked up about what they are? And here's what's crazy about this. Once I learned these two words, let them, I started repeating, let them every day in almost every situation to unhook myself.
(07:18):
And the more I use the phrase to just let my emotions rise and fall in a stressful situation, the more I realized that you know what? The things going on outside of me, they don't have to make their way inside of me. And so here's the gist of the Let Them Theory, you ready? The more you try to control something, the more out of control you feel. It's true. And the only way to feel in control in life is to focus on where your time and energy is going to focus on you. I mean, this morning, the folks that pick up the garbage, they didn't come to our house, them. I mean, I don't need to take it personally like they broke up with me or ghosted me, or they're so disrespectful, let them forget to pick up garbage at our house. And now this is where the magic comes in.
(08:10):
Now that I'm not taking it personally, I'm not offended. I can handle it effectively, right? I'm not going to handle it emotionally. I'm going to handle it effectively. Let them forget and let me pick up the phone and call them and say, Hey guys, seems like you forgot. Could you swing by? And then I'm going to let 'em respond. See how easy this is? See how magical this is? You get what you want and you don't get emotional Baa bang baa, boom. And that brings me to our amazing conversation today, because ever since sharing the Let Them Theory with you a few months ago, I have been under just a tid wave of questions and comments about the Let Them Theory. So today, you and I are going to answer them. And to do that, we're going to go to a studio in Los Angeles where I am taking calls and the phone lines are jammed. And the very first person who is on the line is a guy named Daniel who's calling from Los Angeles. Let's go.
Daniel (09:09):
Hey, how's it going?
Mel Robbins (09:10):
Good. What's up?
Daniel (09:14):
Well, I just have a quick question for you. Sure. The Let Them theory, just a little background. Growing up, I was always kind of the peacemaker in our family
Daniel (09:29):
And now that we're all adults, we're all moved out of the house. The conflict that arises between us still kind of makes me uncomfortable. And I've gotten good at removing myself from other people's drama and not trying to play the peacemaker in every conflict that comes up, but it still makes me really uncomfortable. And I'm just wondering if, especially when I visit home or they're calling me about each other, what do you
Mel Robbins (10:08):
Suggest? First of all, I think it's really cool that you have the awareness of the role that you've played in your family dynamic. And I also think it's really cool that you have started to teach yourself how to take a step back. And here's what I would recommend, because the Let Them theory, when you use it in a situation with family, it's about unhooking yourself from the old dynamic and letting the conflict play out between family members without feeling the need to be the person who's responsible for creating the peace for everybody. So you're doing a great job with that. The second thing is one of the reasons why you would jump in to try to keep the peace is because the conflict makes you uncomfortable. And so it does not surprise me that when you remove yourself from it, you are still feeling these unsettling feelings.
Mel Robbins (11:17):
And one of the reasons why you've always been the peacemaker Daniel is because when you step in and try to solve the problem, the discomfort that you're feeling internally disappears because you're focused on being a peacemaker. And so the opportunity of growth for you is to sit with that discomfort to let the discomfort rise up inside you and to notice, oh, here's that thing. This is what would normally turn me into a peacemaker. Instead, I'm just going to breathe for 90 seconds. I'm going to remind myself that we have a that does this forever and we will be a family that probably does this forever. And that I have decided in my life that I'd rather sit with this discomfort than insert myself into every single issue in our family. And so the more that you just notice the discomfort, you tolerate it, you tell yourself it's going to rise and it's going to fall, and they're adults and they can either figure it out together or they can call therapists and get a professional involved, but I'm done here, the faster that discomfort's going to go away.
(12:26):
So that's number one. And I can relate to this because I like you and a lot of people have always felt like it's my job to make my mom in particular happy. And anytime I felt like something was up, I felt discomfort. Like, okay, what can I do to make her happy? Just is the way that it is. And the more that I've used the Let Them Theory to just let her have her own reactions, let her blow up, let her be uncomfortable, let her want to do something that I don't want to do, let her have her opinions. The more I've noticed, wow, I was really inserting myself a lot more often than I needed to. She's not really as unhappy as I thought. She's not sitting around waiting for me to solve this. I've just sort of done this to myself. And so it's been very liberating for both of us because you're involved in the dynamic.
Mel Robbins (13:11):
Let's get to the second part of the question. What do you do when they call you to gossip? Gossiping Daniel is a form of bonding. We strengthen relationships by complaining about other people, and there's a very big difference between gossiping, which is just venting or complaining about something and sharing a frustration with the specific intention of problem solving and getting advice to resolve something. And so what I think you should do is consider training everybody that you are available for problem solving, but you're not available for venting and gossiping about mom or dad or about the brother or the sister, because that's what creates a toxic dynamic in a family. And so the next time somebody calls you, you can say, that sounds awful. And here's the deal, in order to protect the peace in my life and to hopefully make our family a little bit stronger, I've got this commitment that I just don't want to gossip about each other anymore. I'm happy to hear you tell me what happened, and I'm happy to offer up some sort of solution, but I got to pull myself out of this gossiping dynamic. It's not great for our family and it's not good for you, and I just think it's keeping us stuck and I want something more for us. How does that sound?
Daniel (14:46):
Right, right. Well, I mean that's helpful. I think a lot of the conflict is between my sister and my mom and my sister and I have a lot of the same experiences with my mom. So we fall into that habit of gossiping really easily where we're just reminiscing about things from the past that probably aren't relevant
Mel Robbins (15:13):
Same.
Daniel (15:14):
So I think that's a really, really good call out for me to just notice when that happens and take a step
Mel Robbins (15:22):
Back. And here's as somebody that did the same thing, and we all do this in our families, is that the more I've used the Let Them Theory to let my parents be who they are, let them have the discomfort or the opinions or conduct themselves the way they are, and the older they get, the more set they are in their ways. It's a fact of life. The more I'm realizing that I feel that my story about who my parents are or the gossiping or the complaining kept me stuck in an old dynamic and that the second that I just kind of use this mode of acceptance, they've been this way forever. It's not my job to change them. It's not my job to make them happy. They're functioning adults. The more I realized, wait a minute, they're actually pretty happy. They're like, I'm creating a lot of drama that is unnecessary.
(16:15):
And when you unhook yourself, Daniel, I want to offer up a really beautiful possibility, you also create space for someone to show up differently because the dynamic of drama in families always has multiple players involved. And the second one person is like, I just am not going to participate in this. The person that is stirring the drama doesn't have anybody to stir it with. And your sister can call you and say, can you just help me talk through a response that's not emotional. Can you help me unhook myself? That's a different conversation than, boy, she was such a bitch. Remember that time? You see what I'm saying? The tone and the intention is different, and I would absolutely forward her the Let Them Theory episode because both of you using it together will profoundly shift the dynamic in your family overall. Okay,
Daniel (17:14):
Amazing.
Mel Robbins (17:15):
You're amazing, you got this.
Daniel (17:19):
Oh, thanks.
Mel Robbins (17:20):
You're welcome, darling.
Daniel (17:20):
I appreciate your time.
Mel Robbins (17:21):
I appreciate you. Hey, Jennifer from Baltimore. You're on.
Jennifer (17:25):
Hi, how are you?
Mel Robbins (17:26):
I'm great. How are you?
Jennifer (17:28):
Good. Your Let Them Theory has really been life changing for me.
Mel Robbins (17:34):
How so?
Jennifer (17:36):
I recently left a 21 year teaching career to write a novel. It's something I've been wanting to do for over 30 years. Wow. And I know it was with the support of my wife because obviously I'm not bringing an income because I'm writing all day every day. I'm wrapping up my last chapter of my first draft, which is exciting. People have been very opinionated about this whole transition. Most of it good with my mother-in-law. It hasn't been as positive.
(18:08):
My son, who's 11 had told her back in June I had quit my job and I hadn't told anybody, but he's 11. Yeah. Her response was, that's crazy. This is ridiculous. And my son, who's my biggest cheerleader said, it's not ridiculous. I think it's great, which is very heartwarming. But as time went on, I haven't had any contact with her. And apparently she had talked to my wife and was a little upset about the whole decision. So I'm trying my best to be in that, let them theory with her, but I haven't seen her since.
Mel Robbins (18:44):
How long's it been?
Jennifer (18:45):
It's been, I think it was back in June that I saw her around the time that my son had told her.
Mel Robbins (18:50):
Okay. So it's been many months since you've seen your mother-in-law who was extremely critical of your decision to quit your job and pursue your dream of writing this novel. And is that a long time for you not to see your mother-in-law?
Jennifer (19:07):
I mean, they live only an hour away. We usually see them every few weeks. She hasn't come to any of my son's baseball games. I don't know if she's avoiding us. I'm not really sure why that is happening, but my fear is a lot of time because of her opinion, I kind of shut down around her. But at the same time, I don't think this is right that she is expressing these opinions, especially to my child and just letting her do this. I don't know if I could live with that.
Mel Robbins (19:40):
Well, what is it about her opinion that really bothers you?
Jennifer (19:49):
I guess it's because sometimes she will gossip about other people to me. So I fear that she's gossiping about me to others, but I shouldn't really be concerned about that.
Mel Robbins (20:00):
What about her gossiping about you to other people bothers you?
Jennifer (20:05):
I'm not sure. I guess I don't want people formulating an opinion about me without getting to know who I am. I've been fortunate enough that other family members have not done that and they've gotten to know me. I don't feel like she has gotten to know me very well.
Mel Robbins (20:19):
Okay. So Jennifer, a couple things. Everybody has an opinion about you whether they know you or not, right? Everybody forms an opinion. It's just a fact of life. And the real opportunity for you is to unhook yourself from that concern. And the Let Them theory is so important for you because your mother-in-law's opinion about your career is irrelevant to you. And I could come up with a couple really positive interpretations to her outbursts to your son. One of the positive interpretations is that she cares deeply about you all. She has a deep fear about financial issues, and she's just worried and she does not know how to process her worry, which is stemming from concern and love and all the beautiful things. It's not an indictment that you're dumb or that you're not going to be successful. It's her fear and her coming out, which means it's not about you at all. And the second thing that I want you to consider, and this is a totally different interpretation because you're in your story, that there's something wrong with her having a negative opinion. And the fact is she just has an opinion that rubs you wrong. She blurted out this opinion to your 11-year-old. And the coolest part of the story is your 11-year-old was like, well, you know what? I think it's cool, which shows you're a fucking amazing mom. Okay, let's just get that straight.
(22:10):
And that your son has his own opinions and isn't swayed by what his grandmother thinks and is able to express them, which is a beautiful thing. And then the other piece that I will tell you is what if this is triggering is a deep dream that your mother-in-law had for her own life
(22:36):
And she never had the courage to go for it. And when she hears somebody that she knows and loves has suddenly quit a job, which for that generation meant stability. It's what you did. It's kind of what everybody expected of you. You have done something that for her was unthinkable. You have put yourself first. You have put yourself out there as an artist. You're in a marriage where your spouse supports you doing that. That might actually have been something she could never experience. And so having this in your life is stirring something up in her. Now saying all that doesn't justify or excuse the fact that she was opinionated about it. It just gives you a completely different interpretation of why people react, especially the people are closest to us when we go for something that we really care about. And the reason why is when she hears that you're doing something amazing. You have quit your job, you have the support of your spouse and your son, you are pursuing this manuscript, you're going for it. It makes people look in the mirror and go, well, what am I doing? And so you have no idea what got stirred up other than fear and angst and something else. And being of that generation, she has almost zero tolerance for that kind of emotional turmoil inside her. So she ps it at her grandson. That sounds like a typical grandmother to me.
(24:27):
And if she's gossiping about you, Jennifer, who cares? Why do you care?
Jennifer (24:37):
Yeah, you're right.
Mel Robbins (24:38):
And look, it hurts. You want the mother-in-law or the mom who is always supportive and always talking amazing things about you and has your back. We all deserve that. And most of us don't have that because most people are not capable of that because they haven't figured out how to sit with emotions that are uncomfortable. And so we gossip and we snap at people and we say things that we don't mean to say. And then when you sit with that, then just like you, she's nervous to see you. And so here's what the Let Them Theory also does. You got to unhook from your mother-in-law. You are now an artist and a novelist who is observing the stories of life and telling stories. And there is something inside this dynamic with her that if you create the space where she can have her reaction and you can have yours and both are true, then you have this space to be able to then do the most powerful part of the Let Them Theory you let her be. But then what do you need to let her know? Do you need to let her know that it hurt your feelings? Do you need to let her know that you would love to feel supported in what you're doing? Do you need to let her know your boundaries? Or do you need to just realize that the thing that's actually bothering you is that she hasn't been supportive period. Or that it's been tense period. It might kind of excavate something deeper,
Jennifer (26:26):
Right?
Mel Robbins (26:27):
What do you think it is?
Jennifer (26:28):
And it might be deeper because I don't really feel like we've gotten, I mean it's been 20 years and I don't think we've really gotten to know each other very well. We just kind of spend time around each other.
Mel Robbins (26:43):
A lot of us can relate to that spending time. Is there something that your spouse is doing or not doing that would help with the situation? Or is this just one of those situations where you need to let her be her and she doesn't have the capacity to show up differently and you need to let yourself,
Jennifer (27:05):
Are I talking about my spouse?
Mel Robbins (27:06):
No, I'm talking about your mother-in-law.
Jennifer (27:12):
I mean, my spouse is very into the Let Them Theory and she's always been like that with her parents. They're going to be the way they are, and she just lets them be. And I'm not the type of person that likes to stir up emotions, especially when it's not my mom, it's my spouse's mom, and I don't want to cause any friction. Well, so I'm very quiet about everything.
Mel Robbins (27:43):
So are you not yourself?
Jennifer (27:46):
No, I don't think I am myself around her
Mel Robbins (27:50):
At all. Well, that's why you are just around her. And the question is that in order for you to shift the relationship, you have to do two things at once. One is you got to give your mother-in-law the space to have her opinions and to get her feathers ruffled and to get upset about things and to not get hooked into it. And you must give yourself permission to show up as you. And I think that's what ultimately is bothering you, is that you're realizing that you have been just protecting the peace in this relationship. And in doing so, you have started this war with yourself because you know you're not yourself around your mother-in-law,
Jennifer (28:38):
Right?
Mel Robbins (28:39):
And that's something that you can shift. It doesn't require you to express boundaries necessarily. It just requires you to show up a little bit differently, more of yourself, and you also have within you the right and the ability to make requests of your spouse around the way that you could be supported better in this relationship. Okay. Okay. Is that helpful?
Jennifer (29:09):
It's very helpful, very
Mel Robbins (29:10):
Helpful. What did you get from that conversation?
Jennifer (29:13):
That I just need to open up more and be myself and not just quiet myself in situations that might be a little uncomfortable and just show up as me and then when I don't feel supported, expressed that I don't feel supported.
Mel Robbins (29:28):
Exactly. That's it. And then let them support you or not. That's all there is to do. You are responsible for expressing your needs, for expressing your feelings, for showing up as yourself and for doing what you need to do to create a better life for yourself. That's what you're responsible for. Other people are responsible for their emotional reactions, for their feelings, for their boundaries, for all of that. You don't need to manage that anymore. You just need to focus on being yourself. Fabulous. And I can't wait to read your novel. Good job. I love you too. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Alright, let's go. Is it Erin from New York City?
Erin (30:11):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (30:13):
Hi. Hi there.
Erin (30:15):
You're so amazing. I absolutely adore you.
Mel Robbins (30:20):
I love you too.
Erin (30:21):
Say thank you. Thank you so much for all of the wisdom you share every day, and I love that you're sharing the Let Them Theory with us. And I'm going to ask you this question, and maybe it's a little bit of a mirror side of that, but you're just so brilliant. I'm going to go for it.
Mel Robbins (30:35):
Go for it.
Erin (30:37):
Let them let people just sort of be who they're going to be. And you be, I grew up in a really abusive childhood and it was my job to make sure that my mother was happy,
(30:51):
My job to take care of her. So here I am in my late adulthood, I just survived horrible cancer and I have a new lease on life, and I'm thinking, what would my life look like if I stopped feeling like the only way to get loved or to be loved or to be treasured, to be valued is to take care of people, to be on the phone at one o'clock in the morning to answer all their questions, to be the problem solver. And how do I just let people and myself deal with the fact that I'd rather focus on myself right now and give back to myself? How do I let me, while I let them,
Mel Robbins (31:41):
You just will they ever have a friend again? Listen, you just actually got the full secret of the Let Them Theory, the Let Them Theory is not about other people, it's about you. It's about how you have poured all your energy, your concern, your time, your brain power into other people. And when you highlight how often you are managing other people's reactions, managing other people's happiness, tiptoeing around the topics, shrinking yourself, bending yourself over backwards to help other people staying silent, not asking for what you need, showing up when you don't feel like it doing things out of guilt. When you start to use the Let Them Theory to highlight how often you are resisting
Mel Robbins (32:41):
The reality of the situation, what happens is miraculous. The more that you let someone be unhappy, the more that you let somebody find support in other places, the more you let somebody throw their tantrums because you're not going to buy them a cell phone or you're not able to drive them to the airport or you can't solve all their problems, the more you realize how much time you actually have and how much energy you have that you could be directing back at yourself.
(33:14):
And so you just figured out the big secret about the Let Them Theory, the Let Them theory is when you unhook from other people the need for other people to be pleased with you, the need for other people to be happy first. And when you start to go, oh, well, I could let them be. I could let them be upset. I could let them figure it out. I could let them know how I'm feeling, but then it's on me. Let me be responsible for my happiness. Let me be responsible for my needs. Let me be responsible for saying no or saying I'm done or saying this doesn't work. And then how the Let Them Theory will work with your mom or whoever is now getting the actual new you is they're going to tantrum. They're used to you being there. They're going to throw the guilt at you, let them let them.
(34:12):
It's not going to work on you anymore. It's worked for years. And so expect them to throw it at you, let them deal with themselves. I've also said, and I'll say again that this does have exceptions. We don't let our friends just get behind the wheel of a car after they've been drinking. We don't just let somebody sit in suicidal ideation. We pick them up and take them to the emergency room. We don't just let people discriminate against others or do something really dangerous. You offer support, you make recommendations, you express your boundaries, and then again, you got to let them again. And so expect your mom to tantrum because she has through emotional manipulation, turned you into her human blankie and you're not doing it anymore. Congratulations.
Erin (35:09):
Yeah, I mean the flip side of let them is exactly what you said to stop. The challenge is also
Erin (35:22):
Who are you then if you're no longer the fixer?
Mel Robbins (35:26):
You tell me
Erin (35:26):
And what's your value?
Mel Robbins (35:28):
Who are you?
Erin (35:31):
That's something I'm going to have to sit with because I've spent my entire life being the fixer. I'll fix it. I'm going to make it right. I'm going to help you. I'm going to solve that problem. And the thought of not doing that is not only what other people's reactions will be, but then now, who am I? What's my value? What's my worth?
Mel Robbins (35:54):
Is fixing everybody else's life making you happy.
Erin (36:02):
It makes me feel that I matter and that I'm needed.
Mel Robbins (36:08):
Okay.
Erin (36:09):
And so like I said, the flip side of letting them, which is like I don't do that anymore. I've even been telling some of my girlfriends who've had the same boyfriend problems for years and years. I love you so much, sweetheart. I'm just not up for the boyfriend conversation anymore. Great. If you want to ask about anything else, but just no more boyfriend troubles, I'm sorry. Please get a therapist or find another girlfriend. I'm a little burnt out on the boyfriend problems.
Mel Robbins (36:38):
I love that
Erin (36:39):
I started to set boundaries and two of them have said Uhoh, okay, it feels kind of good
Mel Robbins (36:50):
Because you want to know why,
Erin (36:50):
but it's so scary. Like, well, they still love me and call me over for Christmas dinner if I'm not the person who's the on-call therapist.
Mel Robbins (36:59):
Well, hold on a second.
Erin (36:59):
I might wind up pretty lonely for a while.
Mel Robbins (37:02):
Hold on a second. Here's the thing. I want you to understand that number one, being a really good friend means you're willing to tell your friend the truth. Being a really shitty friend is when you listen to it and then silently complain to yourself about it. And so you just did them a huge favor because there's probably nobody else in their life that is willing to tell the truth, which is you have been stuck in this cycle forever. And I have been a part of this cycle because I've listened to it. I've offered advice, I have offered suggestions, I have expressed my concern. And now I have to tell you, I am no longer available for the conversation. And what you just did is you told the truth, which is what you're responsible for, and now you're going to let them sit with it, which is one of the greatest gifts that you could do when somebody is stuck in a pattern that is self-destructive, which they are.
(38:06):
And if telling them the truth because you love them and you're concerned about them, and because you also love yourself and need to protect your peace, if telling them the truth is what makes them not invite you to the holiday dinners, then you weren't really friends anyway because that's not what a real friend would do. And yeah, there will be some space where maybe some friendships start to fade. But what happens if you're willing to believe in it is that you're creating space for people that can have more reciprocity in terms of how you want to live your life and what you want to feel to show up. And what you may find if these have been friends for a very long time, is that that conversation is actually the catalyst that starts to shift something. And if it means you don't get invited for holiday dinner, that's a really small price to pay for changing somebody's life.
(39:13):
Life. And the other thing I want to leave you with, because I really relate to who am I, if I am not just fixing everybody's problems, it is possible to be a fixer and not lose yourself. It is possible to be somebody that helps everybody else without losing who you are in the process. And it is possible to support people in your life and be loving and be there for people and not take on responsibility for all of it. You have just discovered the full secret, which is when you realize you're not responsible for other people's happiness, you are not responsible for other people's boundaries, you're not responsible for managing other people's tantrums. You're responsible for your truth, you're responsible for your needs, you're responsible for expressing yourself.
Mel Robbins (40:03):
You're responsible for telling people how you feel. That's it. You're responsible for creating what you want. And when you start to accept that responsibility and act accordingly, you will be able to help other people because you're choosing to consciously instead of doing it reflexively because you think that's what you need to be doing to feel wanted and needed in life. I'm so excited for you. I'm so excited for you. Let's go to Liz in New Jersey. Liz, you're on with Mel Robbins.
Liz (40:35):
Hi, Mel. Great to talk to you too. I'm a big fan. My question for you today is I have dealt with this lately. Actually very recently, my parents have gone into a terrible financial crisis due to my father's gambling, and I had to take a backseat to it all. I had to put some distance about a few weeks. But every day in those few weeks, I felt like tightening in my chest. I felt like I didn't know what to do. So I finally wrote them each a separate letter begging them to try to get some help. As soon as I hit the send button on that letter, I felt better immediately.
Mel Robbins (41:19):
Why do you think
Liz (41:21):
I guess I spoke my peace. I spoke my truth.
Mel Robbins (41:25):
Yeah. You're not responsible for your father's gambling addiction and you're not responsible for rescuing your mother from it. They're grown ass adults. And even though you feel like the parent instead of the child in this situation, and even though you love them and your heart aches for them, and you know that any addiction is
Mel Robbins (41:44):
Just masking a deeper issue that your father hasn't dealt with and that your mom and dad haven't dealt with in your marriage, it's not your responsibility to bail them out. It's not your responsibility to change it. It's not your responsibility to do anything except to love them and to be there. However it is that you can be there to offer support or offer recommendations. But when we step in and feel the responsibility for bailing somebody else out, we also rescue them and we rob them of the opportunity to face the things they didn't face.
(42:30):
That's why your father has a gambling addiction, because he has some sort of trauma or some sort of deeper issue that he is avoiding by the rush of gambling. And you not running in and making this your problem to solve might just be the thing that has your dad face what he has not been able to face to this point. And so I'm really proud of you and I'm not surprised that you felt better sending them a letter and letting them be in the mess that they've created and letting you be with the truth that you feel. And the truth is, you're there to support them, right? You're going to be there to pick up the call or to guide them in the right direction or help 'em with a Google search. But you're not there to fix this. And that's a beautiful, beautiful distinction. Let's go to Mimi and Canada. Mimi, thank you so much for holding so long.
Mimi (43:31):
Hi, this is Mimi here.
Mel Robbins (43:33):
Hi.
Mimi (43:35):
I started listening to you everything that you had to say, and it has really changed my life. And this let them theory has helped me so much. I was in a very dark place. It was very uncomfortable. But now I see that the other person sees that it's not affecting me. So they're going up a notch every time to try to get a reaction out of me. So how long do you let them? I know it's not affecting me, but then if you're living with that person 24 7 and they have to use your special needs child, try to manipulate you because they don't want to see you succeed. And now I've also put my foot down. I was like, you know what? I don't care. I'm not going to let anybody anything affect me. But then if somebody's 24 7 drilling that to your mind in the background, the background noise,
Mel Robbins (44:33):
Yeah,
Mimi (44:34):
It does have an effect.
Mel Robbins (44:36):
So can I ask you a question? How long do you, lemme ask you a question. So is this a family member or a spouse or who is this
Mimi (44:44):
Spouse separated? Good, because I'm not yet financially stable.
Mimi (44:50):
So we're sharing the same house, but that's where the abuse is. And last year I hit my all time low. I started getting my life together, my body together, my mind together. And now I just launched my business last week and I'm so proud of myself. But that makes the other person uncomfortable, of course. And they want to break me.
Mel Robbins (45:10):
Mimi. Mimi.
Mimi (45:12):
They want to have me and torture me.
Mel Robbins (45:13):
Mimi, where else can you live?
Mimi (45:18):
Nowhere. This is all I have yet.
Mel Robbins (45:21):
I love the yet. I love the yet. Wait, are you telling me you have no friends? You don't have family in Canada that you can live with?
Mimi (45:30):
I don't want to.
Mel Robbins (45:31):
Okay, so hold on, hold on, hold on. When I said, who else do you have? You said nothing. This is it. And so I need to be very clear with you that you are choosing to stay in a living situation where somebody is beating you down. And when you answered, I have family, but I don't want to live there.
Mel Robbins (46:02):
You need to own the choice. And so if you're going to own the choice that you're going to live in the same physical household with the person you're divorcing, who is beating you down every day, you need to own it loud and proud. You need to start saying, I could go live with my parents, but I don't want to and I'm not going to. And I know when I walk in that door, that jerk is going to say something really mean to me because he's hurt and he's immature and he doesn't know how else to do it.
(46:36):
And I'm just going to let him say it and I'm going to ignore him, and I'm going to go into my room and I'm going to shut the door. And at some point he might start yelling and I'm going to let him. But I need you to understand that that's screwed up, that you are staying in a situation where you are with somebody who is beating you down. I would rather see you and your special needs child, move out, move in with your family, get into a situation where that is not your day-to-day reality. Because the fact is, while you're in the same apartment going through a divorce, if he has already started acting out, it's just going to escalate. This doesn't get better. And so please, I want you to consider there are other options and you moving out might just be what changes the dynamic.
Mimi (47:35):
Okay?
Mel Robbins (47:37):
What do you think?
Mimi (47:41):
I was just waiting till I'm financially stable because family accepting a special needs child, people change. I have lived the reality. I know it sounds good to have a supporting family, but there's only so much others can do and you don't want to be a burden on them. That's why I'm like every day working.
Mel Robbins (48:00):
Hold on, you're a burden. You are not a burden If you go to your family and say, can I move home for six months while I save some money and get my own place? That's not you being a burden. That is you as an adult asking for help in a situation where you need help. And they're either going to say yes or no, but even so in asking, you are signaling to yourself, I'm not stuck here. I can create other options for myself. Heck, there might even be another woman that lives near you that's looking for a roommate that has a special needs son that's trying to get a divorce like you don't know because you're not asking. And so I want you to continue to use the them theory to not get hooked by your ex who is going to continue to escalate. That's how he has always controlled you in the past.
(48:54):
He can't control you anymore, which means he's getting more pissed off. That's exactly what you should expect. And now let me meaning, let me find another option here. Let me use my brain and get myself out of this stupid situation. Let me find a temporary living situation that's a little bit better while I get on my feet. Let me ask for help. Let me start problem solving. Let me take responsibility for putting myself and my special needs son in a better place and stop telling yourself the story that it can't happen. I so believe in you. I'm proud of you based on everything that you have done in the last year to pull yourself out of that dark place and get yourself moving again and get this business launched. There is no doubt in my mind you have within you the ability to make this better too. And you will. Eva, welcome. You're on the Mel Robbins podcast.
Eva (49:48):
Hi Mel. I'm just excited to talk to you. I want to know if you can give me tips or advice on how I can get my husband on board with the theory. I think it would help him not have hangups about what other people do or really think. I think sometimes he overthinks like, oh, people don't invite me to lunch or my coworkers or family, he feels excluded. I'm trying to figure out how to get him involved or adopt this theory for himself.
Mel Robbins (50:27):
Yeah, it's a great question because the example that you used with your husband is one we can all relate to. You see other people going out, you're not invited. And then you start to spiral and it become more painful because you start to tell yourself, nobody likes me and I must have done something wrong. And these people are jerks. And so it just builds and builds and builds. And the thing is that the Let Them theory works because of a fundamental fact about relationships. And that fundamental fact is you can't force anyone else to change or to do something. You can try. You can try with manipulation, with pushing, with pleading, with trying to be inspiring, but at the end of the day, somebody only does something because they want to do something. Tell me more about why you're worried about your husband and the stress or the pain he's causing himself by being focused on other people's drama or what they're doing.
Eva (51:35):
I just feel like he over sometimes I just feel like he's overthinking it and I tell him, I think you're thinking about it more than what they're thinking about them more than they are thinking about you or why you're not included.
Mel Robbins (51:53):
Yeah, tell me more though about it's a
Eva (51:56):
Constant conversation,
Mel Robbins (51:58):
So it's stirring up his insecurity.
Eva (52:03):
Exactly. I listen and I'm okay with listening, but I just feel like we're not doing any different, anything different. It's always the same thing or pattern with either colleagues or family members. That's always, I've noticed that's a theme with him. That conversation comes up sometimes when we're just talking and then it'll pop up.
Mel Robbins (52:26):
Well, this is very relatable because whether you're dealing with a husband who gets himself all worked up about what family's doing or work colleagues are doing or friends are doing, or you're dealing with a child who feels left out at school or you're dealing with a friend who feels like somebody just broke up with them and it's never going to work out for them, the stories that you tell yourself are way more painful than the actual thing that's happening. And the danger here, and you're witnessing it happening is your husband is now stuck in this pattern that people leave him out and he's stuck in this pattern of seeing all the places where he doesn't belong. And part of the reason why these patterns are so painful is you get stuck in the pattern and you don't realize you actually have the power to change this dynamic.
(53:11):
And what you said earlier is also true that he's thinking about it more than the people who are out to lunch because you know what? They're not thinking about him at all because they didn't invite him to lunch. And so the fact that your husband is wasting time and causing himself pain by constantly focusing on all the places where he hasn't been invited or the fact that his siblings are getting together and they didn't ask him and all this stuff, it just creates internal agita. And so here's how you get someone else to consider something because you can't force him. You can't tie him down to the bed and put earphones on him and force him to listen to Mel Robbins. Even if you did that, he wouldn't absorb it, so it's not going to work. But you could say to him, I'm concerned about you.
(53:56):
I'm concerned about you because I'm seeing this pattern where you're focused on all of the people and the places where you're not invited or you're not seen or you're not respected. And it's becoming a pattern. And I don't want this for you. You're a much more powerful person. You deserve more in your life. And I just listened to this podcast with this woman that has 10 million followers, and I think you'd get a lot out of this chick. And I think this thing that she talks about called the Let Them Theory, I think it might help you find your power and not get so pissed off about this petty stupid stuff. And if you appeal to his greater self and if you appeal to the fact that you want more for him, that might inspire him to see more for himself and to listen to the episode, that's how I would do it.
(54:52):
And I would appeal to the pain he's feeling and the fact that you want more for him and that you realize you can't fix this for him. This is something he has to do for himself. But here's what you're going to do. You're going to send him this podcast from this cool chick that will really make him think about this. And second, the next time he talks about this again, you're just going to say Let them as a cue. And it's going to get really annoying because you're not going to engage in the conversation anymore. You're done with the conversation because the conversation's not changing anything. And so you're not going to engage with it with him. And that's what you're going to do because that's what you can control. And this is how the Let Them Theory works. You are going to let your husband get upset about what his siblings are doing.
(55:40):
You are going to say, let them to him after you've already provided the support of the podcast episode. And then you're going to let your husband be mad that you said let them, and then you're going to let him continue to bitch about what's going on because only your husband can fix this. And what I want to applaud you for is that you care so much about him that you want this because you can see how much pain it's causing him. And the fact is, if we all stopped complaining about what's not working or what other people are doing or not doing or including us in or not, if we stopped doing that, we would find a lot of free time to make plans with people that we want to hang out with. And that's what's also available here. So I want to thank you for asking that question because it is so relatable.
(56:27):
I wish you and your husband the best of luck. Thank you for shoving that episode, Adam and seeing if he'll take a listen to it and you not participating anymore and letting him sit in his misery that's going to intensify the fire and might actually motivate 'em to do something about it. Thanks for calling. Alrighty everybody. That's all we got time for today. I want to remind you that if you're looking for the original Let Them Theory episode where I explain it in detail, I give you multiple examples of how to start using it. I talk about the three really important exceptions for when it doesn't apply. That episode is linked in all the show notes. You can find our show notes, mel robbins.com/podcast for this episode. And look, the thing that's so cool about the Let Them Theory is that when you realize that the art of letting other people being themselves is the pathway to you actually being responsible for your own life and being fully yourself, that's what the magic's all about.
(57:31):
And that's why everybody's talking about this thing and using it. And so thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, and one more thing before I forget, I know you're going to ask me, how do I get on this? What do I do? How are you doing? Just go to the newsletter. We are figuring out this live call format situation thing. We're doing it different every single time. But the one thing I can tell you is if you're on our newsletter list, mel robbins.com/newsletter, we have a link in every newsletter on the information for how to call in and talk to me live. Alrighty? And in case nobody else tells you, I want to be sure to tell you that I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to just let them be them know, and then let yourself do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days. Thanks for watching here on YouTube. And if you loved this episode of the Mel Robbins podcast, you're going to want to watch this one next. It's awesome.
Resources
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- Read this book to learn about over functioning anxiety with Dr. Harriet Lerner.
- Harvard Law School: How to resolve family conflicts
- Scientific American: The science of gossip and why we can’t stop ourselves
- Dr. Amy Johnson explains what emotional well-being looks like in this article.
- National Library of Medicine: How expectations impact our emotional health.
- The New York Times: How to set boundaries with a difficult family member
- Forbes: Want to make a confident job change?
- Harvard Medical School: Addiction and the brain
- UC Berkeley: Manage your expectations to manage happiness.
- Psych Central: Here’s why you feel the need to control everything.
- American Psychological Association: 10 tips for dealing with uncertainty.
- Learn how to deal with your anxiety. Watch “Anxiety Toolkit,” with Dr. Kennedy.
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