Episode: 101
Raw and Refreshing Advice on Navigating Anxiety, Insecurity, and Peer Pressure in Your Teenage and 20-Something Years
with Oakley Robbins
From academic pressure to body image to bullying, this conversation is full of tools and strategies for parents and teens.
Mel and her teenage son Oakley talk about:
- Handling bad moods
- Building confidence
- Managing anxiety
- Navigating curfews
- Social cliques
Learn how to encourage young men to open up, bond with your child during tough times, and motivate them to help at home. It’s all in this episode!
Listen on:
The best way to get over your fear is to jump right in and do it.
Oakley Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:03):
Today we are answering your questions and I say we, because I have invited our 18-year-old son, Oakley Robbins onto the podcast because so many of the questions that I'm getting from listeners around the world are related to either the teens or young adults in your life. Oakley has not seen these questions.
Oakley Robbins (00:00:23):
Are we going? We're jumping right in. We're just,
Mel Robbins (00:00:25):
We're just going.
Oakley Robbins (00:00:26):
Really?
Mel Robbins (00:00:27):
Yes.
Oakley Robbins (00:00:27):
That's a question
Mel Robbins (00:00:28):
Right there.
Oakley Robbins (00:00:30):
Oh, I love you.
Mel Robbins (00:00:34):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today we are answering your questions and I say we, because I've invited our 18-year-old son, Oakley Robbins, onto the podcast because so many of the questions that I'm getting from listeners around the world are related to either the teens or young adults in your life. You're worried about them, you want to know how to connect with them, you're worried about their anxiety about things that are going on at school or in college. And so I thought, why don't we just get Oakley in the seat and oak? You can do your best to explain what the average teenager or young adult is thinking as we answer questions from people around the world. Okay,
Oakley Robbins (00:01:18):
Sounds great.
Mel Robbins (00:01:19):
Alright, anything else that you think people should know before we jump in?
Oakley Robbins (00:01:22):
I'm psyched to be here. Super glad to be back.
Mel Robbins (00:01:24):
Oh my gosh, I'm psyched to be back too. Alright, so here's how it's going to roll. Oakley has not seen these questions. I have a stack of literally several hundred questions and these are just,
Oakley Robbins (00:01:38):
It's very thick. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:01:39):
A sample of the ones that we've got in the last 48 hours. And I'm just going to,
Oakley Robbins (00:01:47):
Are we going? We're jumping right in. We're going.
Mel Robbins (00:01:49):
We're just going.
Oakley Robbins (00:01:49):
Perfect. Let's go for it.
Mel Robbins (00:01:50):
Alright, great. Here's the first one. Why is it so hard to get my sons to talk when my 18-year-old is upset? He stops talking to all of us?
Oakley Robbins (00:02:02):
Well, I think for some people, I mean, everybody processes annoyance and anger differently and I mean, I'm no expert psychologist, but I feel like sometimes the way that men or boys can process anger is they need time to themselves and they don't want to talk about it.
Oakley Robbins (00:02:27):
It's also a bit of a norm for men to just be closed off in general and not really share how they feel in general. And he may be falling under that category, which is a possibility because boys at high school don't like to share how they feel most of the time.
Mel Robbins (00:02:45):
Why
Oakley Robbins (00:02:46):
A sign of weakness? I guess a worry that to show how you truly feel if you're upset or angry, it's not masculine, which is a word that people throw around and they hope to achieve. But I think that it's not because your son is angry with you or doesn't like you, it's because he feels as though what he needs to be doing to achieve a certain standing in a social hierarchy or the life he's living right now is to not share and to stay quiet.
Mel Robbins (00:03:25):
So in the life of the average teenage or young adult male social hierarchy, the guys that are quiet and broody, that's like a plus.
Oakley Robbins (00:03:36):
You normally don't share if you're sad, anger is something people share, but sadness, if you're, I guess into somebody, people don't really share that. I guess that isn't very masculine, I guess is the word that people use.
Mel Robbins (00:03:57):
Really. If you like someone, wow, you got to pretend like you don't care.
Oakley Robbins (00:04:01):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:04:02):
Wow. So let's break this question apart a little bit because I notice particularly in the mornings or at the end of the day, if you got a lot of homework, you're usually pretty pissed off and grouchy. And it is obvious to me, particularly in the mornings that you do not want me talking to you
Oakley Robbins (00:04:23):
And you do a great job at it. I really appreciate it.
Mel Robbins (00:04:26):
But why, so can you explain why me talking to you when you're in a state where you're annoyed about something, why does that bother you?
Oakley Robbins (00:04:40):
I think it's just, I mean the mornings and the afternoons are two different times for me. In the afternoon
Mel Robbins (00:04:48):
When
Oakley Robbins (00:04:48):
I get home from school, I just went through, and this is for every kid, we just went through eight or nine hours of social interactions and tests and papers and classes. And so when you get home, the last thing you want to do is have a 20 minute conversation breaking down every little thing that happened at school. So that What do you want to do? Yeah. Well, what you want to do when I get home at least is I want to go to my room, maybe sit in there for a minute or two, kind of just be alone, hang out for a second, and then when I come back down to you, I'm more ready and willing to open up. But in the mornings, this may just be like a me thing, but I just, I wake up, I'm just like, I just got to get out the door. I don't want to be slowed down. I'm super tired. I am upset that I just woke up. I was super happy being asleep, and I feel like I'll be set off very easily if somebody's trying to get in my way and talk to me. I don't know if that's where everybody,
Mel Robbins (00:05:44):
Well, I think it's really helpful and I also feel like if you've got a lot of stuff that you're processing and you're not ready to talk about it, there's nothing more irritating than somebody prying
Oakley Robbins (00:05:54):
For sure.
Mel Robbins (00:05:55):
And asking you to talk about it. And so in terms of the answer to the question, why is it so hard to get sons to talk? There's the larger piece of it, which is all day long sons and people that identify male are getting bombarded with the message that emotions are weak, talking about how you feel as a weakness. And so it's getting reinforced and reinforced to just keep it inside. Second reason is they might be processing something and they're not ready to talk about it. And prying makes you what?
Oakley Robbins (00:06:29):
I mean, it makes me frustrated. I still don't really know half the time.
Mel Robbins (00:06:34):
Okay. And so do you have any advice? So let's say you and I get in a big fight because her second part of her question is when my 18-year-old is upset, he stops talking to all of us. And you do that too.
Oakley Robbins (00:06:46):
I do.
Mel Robbins (00:06:46):
You remove yourself when you're mad about something and how do we reengage with you? So if you have somebody in your life that removes themselves the way that Oakley does with us when he is about to blow a gasket, what is the best strategy? Just speaking from your shoes, how much time do you need? What's the best way to approach the topic after you've kind of pulled
Oakley Robbins (00:07:14):
Away? Okay, so if I get up to go, don't stop me. I'm not trying to be, I'm just trying to leave. I don't want to be a part of this conversation anymore. For the piece about time, I think that it's just different for everybody and every situation, if I'm more upset or less upset, it may take more or less time. And then to know when to reengage and to try and have that conversation, I think I give a subtle cue, as in I come back down into a public space and I don't really say anything, but I'm just hanging out. Maybe I'll try and eat something or do something, but I will be near you guys and I'll wait for you guys to engage.
Mel Robbins (00:07:58):
It's true.
Oakley Robbins (00:07:58):
I don't know if that's how everybody works, but I give a sign and I think most people do give a sign when they're ready to talk. And my sign is like, come back down and am in a public space
Mel Robbins (00:08:10):
And is there a lead in line that you would want to hear from me or dad?
Oakley Robbins (00:08:19):
I just like, how are you feeling?
Mel Robbins (00:08:20):
Hey bud. Like that kind of thing.
Oakley Robbins (00:08:21):
Not like, Hey bud, I feel like that's kind of talking down, but more just like, how are you
Mel Robbins (00:08:25):
Feeling? Okay,
Oakley Robbins (00:08:27):
I noticed you're very upset. Would you like to talk about it?
Mel Robbins (00:08:29):
Would you like to talk about it? I like that. So acknowledge the feelings that you saw and then ask, would you like to talk about it? And I take it if the person's like, no, you just give 'em their space.
Oakley Robbins (00:08:40):
Give 'em more space. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:08:41):
Okay, great.
Oakley Robbins (00:08:42):
Actually,
Mel Robbins (00:08:43):
One
Oakley Robbins (00:08:43):
More thing, you have a line,
Mel Robbins (00:08:45):
What do I have
Oakley Robbins (00:08:45):
Where this is really good and I think everybody should use it, but if your child is willing to open up, it may be your first thought to jump right in and give advice and solve the problem, but you have a line that you use all the time, which is, do you want me to give advice or do you want me to just listen? And so if your child decides to open up, I recommend using that line. They might not want you to help solve their issue. They might just want to tell you what's going on and that's it.
Mel Robbins (00:09:13):
You never want advice is what I,
Oakley Robbins (00:09:16):
Yeah, I feel like I'm able to work things out most of the time.
Mel Robbins (00:09:19):
Most of the time. Alright, we're going to probably go more and more into that because there were a lot of questions about how you broach topics with your teens and your young adults, how you build trust. And so let's do another one. How do you teach your kids about cliquey behavior?
Oakley Robbins (00:09:37):
Like friend group cliquey behavior?
Mel Robbins (00:09:39):
Yeah, yeah. What's your whole take on clicks Oak and what good, bad, how parents should support kids through it, how kids should think about it?
Oakley Robbins (00:09:50):
Well, I remember there were cliques. My middle school, I wouldn't say there was as many at my high school, more just like friend groups.
Mel Robbins (00:10:00):
What's the difference between a friend group and a clique?
Oakley Robbins (00:10:02):
Well, I'll give my thing, maybe I'm wrong. I'd love for you to give me yours because I'm not a hundred percent confident, but a clique is very closed off. They only engage with each other. They don't really like other, they don't really like other people, they don't really let other people in. And then a friend group is just like, it's a group of people who you normally see hanging out, but they're never not including everybody or stuff like that.
Mel Robbins (00:10:26):
Gotcha. Okay.
Oakley Robbins (00:10:28):
Would you agree with that? I feel like,
Mel Robbins (00:10:30):
Yeah, I think the word click, if you say the word click,
Oakley Robbins (00:10:33):
It's negative. It's a negative
Mel Robbins (00:10:34):
Word. And there's a certain group of people, whether you're an adult or you're a young adult or you're a teen. If I say the word click, there's a certain group of people that you immediately think of because they're exclusive and they seem kind of judgy.
Oakley Robbins (00:10:47):
Yes. Yeah, of course. Okay. So if you are outside of a clique and there are people that you like inside of it, I would just stay away from the clique. Chances are that the people inside of the clique definitely hang out with other people and they don't talk about it with the clique, you can still be friends with them. And if you are in a clique, I would recommend that you either change your ways in that clique or just leave it in general because it is not a very positive environment and people do not think very positively of it.
Mel Robbins (00:11:26):
That's true. Even if you think that's the popular girl, click, people still don't think positive of it.
Oakley Robbins (00:11:32):
You should always take what makes you happy over social standings. I would say you don't need to hang out with the popular people to be happy.
Mel Robbins (00:11:42):
Okay, we got to go dig deep into that. How do you do that? Because we all think we need to be popular or we need to hang out with the popular people in order to be happy.
Oakley Robbins (00:11:55):
I mean, people feel happy when they're seen and you feel seen when you're in the popular crew because people know your name and they're saying hi to you in the halls and you're getting invited to the parties. But when you take a deep look into that group, you realize that half of them hate each other or they talk shit about each other all the time,
(00:12:17):
Which I've heard on countless occasions at my school, there's a group like that and I've talked to them and they've said the worst things to their friends about their friends, which I would never imagine my friends saying about me. And it can definitely feel good to be recognized, but when you look back at your experience wherever you are, you're going to realize that it was shallow and you weren't enjoying the people you were with. And so to get out of that is my recommendation is find people who, when you hang out with them, you feel trust and you feel safe, and you also feel enjoyment and you feel secure.
Mel Robbins (00:12:55):
What does that feel like? How do you know?
Oakley Robbins (00:12:58):
For me, it's like a gut feeling. When I see my friends, I'm like, those are my people. I know they have my back. And if you're unsure, they will be situations that come up where they will, they'll take your side. Lemme think.
Mel Robbins (00:13:14):
Can you give me an example? Yeah. Have you've been in a situation where you thought you were with your people, but then somebody did something and you're like, oh my God.
Oakley Robbins (00:13:22):
Yeah. Yeah. So in my middle school, I, I think I might've told this story a little while ago, but I wore jeans every day and I was friends with the popular boy group in my school and I was happy about it. I thought I was. And I wore jeans every day to school. And the one day that I wore shorts, one of the guys in the friend group was like, your legs look so weird. And then they went around and told everybody that my legs look so weird and that everybody was hitting on my legs. And there were a few dudes that were like, that's not cool, don't do that. And I was like, those are the guys. Those are my guys, because those are the guys that are just standing up for me. Even though maybe the popular dude.
Mel Robbins (00:14:05):
I love that. And that leads right into this question, how do I help my son deal with kids who say hurtful things? He has a very hard time ignoring them.
Oakley Robbins (00:14:21):
I mean, when people say hurtful things,
Mel Robbins (00:14:27):
We got a lot of questions. You
Oakley Robbins (00:14:28):
Turn the page and I'm like, holy
Mel Robbins (00:14:30):
Shit.
Oakley Robbins (00:14:30):
Okay,
Mel Robbins (00:14:31):
We have a lot of questions
Oakley Robbins (00:14:33):
And we'll get to them all. When people say hurtful things, two other people, nine times out of 10, it is because they are in a world of hurt right now, whether that be family, friends, maybe academically, there's always something wrong with their life and they're taking out their frustration on somebody else.
Mel Robbins (00:14:57):
So you can know that because I believe that's true,
Oakley Robbins (00:15:00):
But it still hurts
Mel Robbins (00:15:02):
When
Oakley Robbins (00:15:02):
People say things.
Mel Robbins (00:15:03):
So how in the moment when somebody says your legs are weird or they call you some name or they leave you out or something you've experienced is when you always end up being the person in a game that's it so you're subtly getting picked on and excluded because the whole point of whatever game you're playing in phys ed or whatever, it's like go after Oakley and you start to realize that everybody's out for you. So when it's happening, you can say to yourself, well, people are just doing this to me because they hate their life, they're getting bullied. But it still sucks, but it still sucks. So how do you cope with it?
Oakley Robbins (00:15:47):
Well, this is a little bit different, but one way to make it go away I think is just to not really react to it and honestly make fun of it. Be Okay,
Mel Robbins (00:15:59):
How would you do this with the legs? How would you do this with the legs?
Oakley Robbins (00:16:02):
Agree with them.
Mel Robbins (00:16:03):
Okay.
Oakley Robbins (00:16:04):
They're like, oh, your legs look stupid. And you're like, yeah, they do kind of look stupid. I know it's funny, isn't it? And you go into it, which makes them feel a little weird because they were expecting you to be like, oh my God, you're like, oh my goodness, this is so bad. But if you joke about it with them, then they're kind of like, oh, what? They don't really care.
Mel Robbins (00:16:24):
It doesn't go anywhere.
Oakley Robbins (00:16:25):
It doesn't go anywhere. And then they're like, oh, why do anything to this person if they're not going to react in the way that I want them to.
Mel Robbins (00:16:33):
And what would you advise the adult and that kid's life, like the parent that's writing in this question, how as a parent can I support you? I would expect,
Oakley Robbins (00:16:45):
Right? I think as a parent, your first thought is just reach out to the parents and make sure I tell them that their kid is being a horrible person. Don't do that. Never do that.
Mel Robbins (00:16:54):
Never do what?
Oakley Robbins (00:16:55):
Never reach out to the bully's parent or the school or anything because for a middle schooler or even a high schooler, the last thing that they want is for their parent to be getting involved in their social issue. For the kid to come up to them the next day, they're bullied to come up to them and be like, your parents just wrote mine instead. That I'm being rude to you. You're the worst. That's be all, end all horrible. There are exceptions. There are definitely exceptions.
Mel Robbins (00:17:27):
Exceptions when it's racist, discriminatory, when they're saying dangerous stuff, when you're starting to feel depressed, when you feel like you can't handle it, then you have to tell
Oakley Robbins (00:17:39):
Yes, a hundred percent. Then you have to do something because
Mel Robbins (00:17:41):
Oh, you're talking about the little shit, but
Oakley Robbins (00:17:42):
I'm talking about the little shit. I'm talking about the little stuff. What you can do as a parent is you can be there for your kid, you can reach out, you can say, what can I do? You have to keep asking your kid what you can do because everybody's different. Everybody needs something different. But to show your kid that you are there for them is huge. Just like every day saying, Hey, how is your day to day? What can I do to support you? Things like that.
Mel Robbins (00:18:05):
Another thing you could do is you could rehearse comebacks.
Oakley Robbins (00:18:09):
Oh, that's so good. That's so good. We do that once. I love that. I bet we probably did.
Mel Robbins (00:18:14):
Yeah.
Oakley Robbins (00:18:15):
I love that.
Mel Robbins (00:18:15):
What are you going to say? If you walk into that school and they do blabbity blah, what are you going to say?
Oakley Robbins (00:18:20):
Yeah, that's good. That's really good. Then it also makes fun of it. And then they're like, oh, maybe they will pick on me today and then I could use my comeback and that is good. That is really good. Definitely do that.
Mel Robbins (00:18:33):
Okay. And I'm also gathering though that it is important to talk about this with your parents.
Oakley Robbins (00:18:39):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (00:18:39):
Even if it's the little shit.
Oakley Robbins (00:18:40):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (00:18:41):
Your message though to parents is don't get yourself involved in the little shit.
Oakley Robbins (00:18:45):
If it starts becoming racist, dangerous, your kid is feeling depressed, things like that, then you may want possibly reach out,
Mel Robbins (00:18:54):
Then
Oakley Robbins (00:18:54):
You should reach out to the school, reach out to the parents. You want to do something. But if it's little stuff, name calling, teasing, just make fun out of it basically.
Mel Robbins (00:19:04):
Or help your kid
Oakley Robbins (00:19:06):
Or help your kid
Mel Robbins (00:19:06):
Or figure out what your kid needs. I think that this is a constant theme. Is that your role? Well, you know what, actually, I've got a question right here.
Oakley Robbins (00:19:16):
Perfect.
Mel Robbins (00:19:19):
What do teens need from their parents? What reminders? What role should we be playing?
Oakley Robbins (00:19:26):
Yeah. Actually last night, what did I do? You didn't do anything. I was at my school presenting parent tips to a bunch of parents.
Mel Robbins (00:19:40):
Why were you doing that?
Oakley Robbins (00:19:41):
Because I'm a senior mentor at my school, which basically means I'm assigned a group of first years who I look over and I can help with social issues or academic issues and things like that. And so I was asked by the school to come in last night and give a presentation to parents just saying, here's some tips for your new high school ninth graders.
Mel Robbins (00:19:59):
So the freshmen, freshmen parents,
Oakley Robbins (00:20:01):
You don't call them freshmen,
Mel Robbins (00:20:02):
What do you call them?
Oakley Robbins (00:20:02):
First years?
Mel Robbins (00:20:03):
First years.
Oakley Robbins (00:20:04):
And while I was there after my presentation, our headmaster got up and he gave a speech. And what he said, which I will repeat to you guys, is just that when you have a kid, you are a coach and coaches never play in the game. They can give advice and they can watch, but they cannot get on the field. I'm blanking on what the question was, but
Mel Robbins (00:20:34):
So that's the role of a parent.
Oakley Robbins (00:20:36):
That's the role of the parent. You can give advice, you can cheer, you can watch, you can support, but you can never step on the field. You can't play for your kid. You're just there for them.
Mel Robbins (00:20:50):
Got it. So and specifically, what are some of the things that every young adult and teenager needs to hear from the adults in their life or from their parents?
Oakley Robbins (00:21:01):
That you're proud of them. That's huge. That you love them. That's also very big. You're there for them to support them. They want to hear that you like their friends. That's really important that you are friends with people that they enjoy.
Mel Robbins (00:21:19):
But what if you don't like their friends?
Oakley Robbins (00:21:24):
What would you do if you didn't like my friends?
Mel Robbins (00:21:28):
Well, I would still want to act in a way as if I did, because I know that if you felt like I didn't like your friends or I was judgmental of your friends, you wouldn't bring them around. And if you're not here with your friends, I don't have eyes on you and your friends and I don't know your friends. And so it's important that I get a chance to know who you're hanging out with. And the only way that that's going to happen is if you and your friends feel comfortable coming over to our house. And so if I'm judgy of them, they're not going to feel comfortable coming here. If you think I don't like 'em, they're not going to feel comfortable. And the other piece is how could you possibly know if you like somebody if you haven't actually tried to get to know them?
Oakley Robbins (00:22:23):
Yeah, definitely try and get to know your kids' friends, have conversations with them, invite them if they're spending the night, invite them to dinner with you. Do all that to get to know your friends because they're a huge part of your kids' life.
Mel Robbins (00:22:36):
Actually, there's a research study that came out recently or not even that recently that said 97% of your child's success as a young adult is based on the five friends They hang out with landmark study. And I think that's true. And so your only access point to change your child's friend group or to have an impact on them is to make them feel welcome. So you get to know them.
Oakley Robbins (00:23:06):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:23:08):
Here's another one. What do you like to do Oak when you first get home from school?
Oakley Robbins (00:23:12):
That's a great one. Let's see here. School bell rings, jump in the car, turn on some music, drive home, having a good time, pulling the driveway, open the door. Dogs come running at me. I'm like, what's up guys? I've give 'em a little pet walk around. You might be working. So I sometimes don't come up here. Sometimes I do. I see if dad's work. I just see who's busy to be like, I'm home, I'm here. Would you
Mel Robbins (00:23:40):
Like us? You're like, what up, oak?
Oakley Robbins (00:23:42):
I mean, enthusiastic greeting is lovely. I always appreciate that. And then I mean, if I'm hungry, I'll make myself a snack, but nine times out of 10, what I'll most likely do is just go up to my room after I've said hello and hang out there for 10, 20 minutes, just get my bearings,
Mel Robbins (00:24:03):
Decompress,
Oakley Robbins (00:24:03):
Decompress. Just had a full day of studying and now I'm just hanging out at home. And then depending on what I need to get done, I'll get up and go do that.
Mel Robbins (00:24:13):
Gotcha. Here's another one. My son is 14 and does not have a cell phone. Am I hurting him or helping him?
Oakley Robbins (00:24:21):
I'm going to say helping him. What? For sure. For sure. Everyone, including myself. We are consumed by our technology and you hear it everywhere and it's like you think it's cliche, but I fully agree with the fact that it practically runs our life.
Oakley Robbins (00:24:42):
And so the later your child gets a phone, I mean it's not going to hurt them.
Mel Robbins (00:24:49):
But what about the bullying? You got a first year student that rolls into high school and
Oakley Robbins (00:24:53):
He's not going to appreciate it in the moment when he's there, he is going to be like, man, I wish I had a phone. Honestly, people wouldn't bully him for not having a phone. That's not something that people really get bullied about for. It's more of just like, oh, honestly, you as a parent might get bullied by the kids because your son doesn't have a phone. But I mean, your kid might be like, oh, I want a phone so bad or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But there's so much more to life than your phone. And to appreciate that when you're younger is super important.
Mel Robbins (00:25:26):
At what age would you say?
Oakley Robbins (00:25:28):
Probably 16. Once you're allowed to have a car, I feel like you're probably allowed to get a phone as well,
Mel Robbins (00:25:33):
But what about your I'm now, I'm like playing the worried parent because I'm feeling this anxiety like, okay, but I'm running late and I need to reach you up. Get 'em
Oakley Robbins (00:25:42):
A flip phone.
Mel Robbins (00:25:43):
Oh, so a flip phone's cool. You're talking a smartphone?
Oakley Robbins (00:25:45):
Yeah, I mean like an iPhone, Android, something like that.
Mel Robbins (00:25:48):
Gotcha. A flip
Oakley Robbins (00:25:48):
That can access internet.
Mel Robbins (00:25:50):
Gotcha. So you're just talking a flip phone so you can text your kid. That is fine, but you do not need a full on smartphone.
Oakley Robbins (00:25:58):
No, because also everyone's going to have one. Everybody's going to have one. And I bet your kid probably has an Xbox or a computer or something that they can also access and connect with their friends on. So it's not the end of the world if they don't have a smartphone until they're like 16.
Mel Robbins (00:26:13):
Here's a question, mom of a 17-year-old senior, she has no clue what she wants to study in college yet.
Oakley Robbins (00:26:19):
That is totally fine. I mean, I say to my friends and whoever asks that, I want to study psychology. I've actually never taken the class before.
Mel Robbins (00:26:32):
Why do you want to study psychology?
Oakley Robbins (00:26:35):
Because you work in that field and I mean, you work in the wellness field of psychology, and I think it would be interesting to learn more about the human brain and things like that. I actually am taking the class now, but I haven't taken it before. But I came up with the idea to major in psychology way before I started the class, and it's totally fine. Even when you get to college, I'm pretty sure you don't need to pick your major yet. You don't. And you may hear people say, oh, I already know my major. And it sounds like everybody does, but not a lot of people do. Nobody really knows what's going on.
Mel Robbins (00:27:09):
Gotcha. What do you eat for breakfast?
Oakley Robbins (00:27:12):
What do I eat for breakfast?
Mel Robbins (00:27:13):
Yeah. Listener wants to know.
Oakley Robbins (00:27:14):
Really?
Mel Robbins (00:27:15):
Yes.
Oakley Robbins (00:27:15):
That's a question
Mel Robbins (00:27:17):
Right there.
Oakley Robbins (00:27:18):
Oh, I love you. Well, I just love to keep things fun. It's serious, but you got to have a little fun. That's a great question. It's also my answer is a trick question because I don't eat breakfast. You don't eat breakfast? No. I wake up in the morning and my one thought is like, get out the door, get in the shower, get out the door, go. I mean sometimes maybe I'll grab an apple or a banana on a good day, maybe a protein shake, but that's rare.
Mel Robbins (00:27:49):
Can I ask a question?
Oakley Robbins (00:27:50):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:27:50):
Would it be helpful if I had breakfast ready?
Oakley Robbins (00:27:54):
No, because nine times out of 10 I wouldn't eat it because also my stomach kind of hurts in the morning sometimes, and I just don't really feel like eating
Mel Robbins (00:28:02):
Well. That's why.
Oakley Robbins (00:28:03):
And I wouldn't want the food to go to waste.
Mel Robbins (00:28:04):
Okay. Well I used to make you breakfast and then you stopped wanting it. You said your stomach was hurting. So then I just got in a habit of not doing it. But I'd be happy to make you a protein shake.
Oakley Robbins (00:28:14):
No, I'm totally fine with you. Not. It's all good.
Mel Robbins (00:28:16):
Okay.
Oakley Robbins (00:28:17):
But maybe we can get back into that rhythm. I might take a protein shake in the morning
Mel Robbins (00:28:19):
Or a bagel. I know I've thrown a bagel wrapped in foil
Oakley Robbins (00:28:22):
Before. I love a good, good bagel wrapped in foil.
Mel Robbins (00:28:25):
Okay. We can make some
Oakley Robbins (00:28:26):
Changes, but sometimes it might not work. Sometimes might be like, get this away from,
Mel Robbins (00:28:29):
Get out of here. Okay. And we know from answers earlier that when your child is angry, just give the space.
Oakley Robbins (00:28:34):
Exactly.
Mel Robbins (00:28:35):
Okay. Listener wants to know, oh, this is actually a high school student.
Oakley Robbins (00:28:41):
Oh, let's go.
Mel Robbins (00:28:41):
How can I be confident in class and participate more?
Oakley Robbins (00:28:47):
That's good.
Mel Robbins (00:28:48):
Is it important to,
Oakley Robbins (00:28:49):
It is very important to participate in class.
Mel Robbins (00:28:51):
Why?
Oakley Robbins (00:28:53):
Because one, it shows your teachers you're paying attention. And two, I think when I participate in class, it also helps me feel like I am paying attention and getting what I need out of the class. If you are not already a senior, my one recommendation would be to take a drama class because, just because those classes always go into public speaking and all that kind of stuff. So if you aren't a senior and you got time, take a drama class, they will teach you how to project, they'll teach you how to be more confident. Nine times out of 10, you'll probably have a show performance. So you have to do at the end of the year where you will have to stand up in front of a group of people and say a few lines so that, but if you don't have the time to do that, I think it's important to know that when you speak in class, people aren't going to be listening for you to mess up or they're not even going to be listening half the time. Most of the time people are probably sitting in class dead asleep doing their own thing, playing a game on their phone, texting a friend.
Mel Robbins (00:29:59):
Is that your phone buzzing? Get it off the table. Was
Oakley Robbins (00:30:01):
It buzzing?
Mel Robbins (00:30:01):
Yes.
Oakley Robbins (00:30:02):
Oh it was? Yeah. Sorry about that. Alright, where was I? Please?
Mel Robbins (00:30:08):
I don't know.
Oakley Robbins (00:30:09):
Nine times out of 10. They're paying attention to their phones. They are not really present in class, but for you to get what you need out of the class, I do recommend that you get your hand up and say something, because the best way to get over your fear is to jump right in and do it.
Mel Robbins (00:30:23):
That's true. What a fabulous suggestion. Never would've thought of that. Oakley, what are you trying to improve on this year?
Oakley Robbins (00:30:32):
Love this. What am I trying to improve on this year? I had a pretty good year last year. Pretty good year, the year before. I just want to make the most of this year. Maybe that's not improving. But no, I want to improve my ability to be present and appreciate where I am and be happy because I know this year is going to fly by and I'm in love with where I am, and I just want to be here and keep it going. So I'm trying to improve my ability at being present right now
Mel Robbins (00:31:13):
As your mom. It's just so amazing to hear you say, I'm in love with where I am right now.
Oakley Robbins (00:31:24):
Oh yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:31:25):
No, don't make fun. I'm not. That's a big fucking deal. I'm not. Why are you in love with where you are? What are the components? Because you haven't always.
Oakley Robbins (00:31:35):
I have not always loved where I have been. Well, I love the location. We're in a beautiful mountainy state. It's gorgeous. I love my school. I love my teachers. I love the sports I play. I love my friends. I love seeing them every day. I love my family. I love coming home and seeing you guys every day. I feel like I just have so much that I love and value right here where I need it at my fingertips. And I would say that I'm not taking it for granted, of course not. But it's definitely just like since I love it so much and it's moving incredibly fast,
Mel Robbins (00:32:16):
It is moving fast. How do you encourage your kids to make friends without being pushy and them getting upset? How do you advise somebody? Because we've all been in that stage where we want to be friends with people and it's not reciprocated and you get needy or you start to feel like they're leaving me out. And not everybody needs to be your friends. So how do you help somebody find their people and stay true to themselves?
Oakley Robbins (00:32:48):
I would encourage them to sign up for afterschool sports clubs and get involved in things other than classes for
Mel Robbins (00:32:58):
Sure. Why?
Oakley Robbins (00:32:59):
Because those types of things really bring you, I mean, first off, if you sign up for a club that you're interested in, you'll be brought into a room of 20 other people that are interested in the same exact thing as you. So I mean, instantly right there, you're most likely going to make a connection, but it also encourages you to go out of your way and try something new. And it gives you that skill to maybe branch out and say hi to somebody. But I would also just encourage them to just go for it sometimes.
Mel Robbins (00:33:30):
What does that mean?
Oakley Robbins (00:33:31):
My first year of high school, sorry, can't we call on anybody a freshman? My ninth grade experience, I didn't know anybody. I just moved from Massachusetts and if I saw somebody that I thought looked interesting, I was like, all right, I might make myself look like an idiot, but I just got to go up to this person and be like, Hey, what's up? What are you doing? And I can assure you the first time I asked them to hang out, that was awkward. I was like, so you don't know me want to do something? And they were like, I guess I was like, okay. And it's also nice to reassure your kids that the first person you meet isn't always going to be your best friend. So if they do meet somebody, just let them know that you shouldn't try and hold onto them right at the beginning. They may not be the person for you and you will find your people.
Mel Robbins (00:34:24):
Gotcha. Let's stay in this lane. I'm in a new school where everyone seems to know each other and it feels like a alone is written on my forehead.
Oakley Robbins (00:34:40):
Okay, well, I can assure you that a alone is not written on your forehead. I can promise you that. I can promise you that if people are passing you in the hallway, they're not looking at you and saying, oh, this person has no friends. This person's so lonely, they're such a loser. My advice to you, like I said a little bit earlier, is just sometimes you got to go for it. Not everything is going to be given to you. And the best way to grow or to have the best experiences is to put yourself out there. And so for you, I would recommend again, joining a club, joining a sport, but also just if you see somebody doing something in the hallway, let's say you are sitting in class and you look over to your right and someone's on their phone and they're playing a phone game that you know and you really like it just be like, oh, I love that game. Play it right now. Let's do it.
Mel Robbins (00:35:41):
How do you handle it when somebody doesn't respond?
Oakley Robbins (00:35:45):
I wouldn't take it personally. You also never know what other people are going through. Maybe they didn't respond that morning, their dog just died, and they're in a really shitty mood or they're just a horrible person, which again, don't take personally because they don't hate you. They don't know you.
Mel Robbins (00:36:01):
They hate themselves,
Oakley Robbins (00:36:01):
They hate themselves. But my advice to you is also just that you will meet people, you will have friends, and there are people out there for you. All you have to do is just take the first step and say something to anybody.
Mel Robbins (00:36:18):
What about lunch? What about sliding up to a table and being like, hi, I am new at the school. Could I sit with you guys?
Oakley Robbins (00:36:25):
If you're new, that is the perfect way to sit with somebody that you don't know because you lead with, oh, I'm new. I don't know anybody. You guys looked cool. And then honestly, it's kind of a compliment to them because you're like, oh, you guys look cool. I'm new. Can I sit with you guys? And they'll probably say yes. And if they say no, then you know that that's the friend group to avoid because that's the click that you don't want to be anywhere near.
Mel Robbins (00:36:47):
Correct. Excellent. My son is a senior like you Oak.
Oakley Robbins (00:36:54):
Oh yeah, senior year.
Mel Robbins (00:36:55):
What's the best way to give him freedom but still get him to do chores?
Oakley Robbins (00:37:05):
I mean,
Mel Robbins (00:37:06):
I'm going to lean in, pay attention. Just this
Oakley Robbins (00:37:09):
One when it comes. Yeah. I'm not the best at doing my chores. I'll be honest. I'll call myself out. When it comes to chores, you got to put your foot down sometimes. But I guess it depends on what kind of chores you're asking for. Are you controlling his life with the chores or is it like, can you empty the dishwasher every now and then? If you're having him be your gardener every week and mow the lawn and plant your flowers and wash your windows and all that, maybe give him a little bit of a break. Let him run free a little bit more. But I mean, if it's little things like clean your room, can you clean the kitchen for me today? Do the dishes. Many things that are only going to take him 30 minutes, I'd say you're fine.
Mel Robbins (00:37:53):
So how do you get them to do it though? Because I think that's the thing,
Oakley Robbins (00:37:58):
To get them to do it. I mean, you just got to put your foot down. Sometimes you got to be the bad
Mel Robbins (00:38:02):
Guy. Well, what I find with you is that getting you to remember to do it is impossible,
Oakley Robbins (00:38:09):
But
Mel Robbins (00:38:10):
Asking you to do it. Hey, Oak, could you clear the table? Hey, Oak,
Oakley Robbins (00:38:13):
Could you feed the dogs?
Mel Robbins (00:38:14):
Hey Oak, could you help me with this? Hey, if
Oakley Robbins (00:38:16):
It's like a right then, right then and there thing. If it's not like, can you do this in an hour? I'm going to forget in an hour. Or maybe I'll just be like, oh, it's fine. It's about an hour. I don't need to.
Mel Robbins (00:38:25):
But I do notice you're extremely amenable when I ask.
Oakley Robbins (00:38:28):
Yes, if you and I are face-to-face sitting in the room and you're like, it's five o'clock, can you feed the dogs?
Mel Robbins (00:38:33):
Yeah.
Oakley Robbins (00:38:33):
If it's right there, they will do it. Clean the table, do the dishes, they'll do it. If you're there watching them, they're going to do it.
Mel Robbins (00:38:40):
And let's say you're dealing with somebody who's got a lot of anger or grumpiness or has beef with their family. And so you as the parent, you ask them to do something and you get attitude. I think as a parent, where I typically want to go is, listen, asshole, I pay the bills. You
Oakley Robbins (00:38:58):
Pulled that card a few times.
Mel Robbins (00:39:00):
I haven't. What does that feel like?
Oakley Robbins (00:39:01):
That it's annoying. It's so annoying. But it's understandable. It is very understandable. I think what's always kind of nice is you're like, oh, I'll help you out. I'll do it with you. When dad's like, can you do the dishes? And I'm like, oh. And he's like, I'll do it with you. And then it makes it feel like less of a chore and a burden. True. Getting the help.
Mel Robbins (00:39:20):
That's true.
Oakley Robbins (00:39:21):
So that might make them a little less angry.
Mel Robbins (00:39:24):
What if there's one of the things that I try to do is say things like, Hey, could you help me out with this because I got something that I need to do over here.
Oakley Robbins (00:39:35):
Yeah,
Mel Robbins (00:39:36):
That's
Oakley Robbins (00:39:37):
Always good.
Mel Robbins (00:39:37):
Versus like, dude, do the dishes. Are you going to do the
Oakley Robbins (00:39:40):
Fucking dishes? That'll make him angry. But you just be like, Hey, I really have to go do this thing right now. But if you could just do these dishes, that would be super helpful.
Mel Robbins (00:39:48):
Great. Okay. This is from an 11th grader.
Oakley Robbins (00:39:52):
This is an interesting,
Mel Robbins (00:39:53):
Anxiety is consuming me, and I'm so scared. 11th grade.
Oakley Robbins (00:40:02):
Okay. Well, I think my first thing is that you're not alone. I think a lot of people feel it. I also have anxiety and it's very scary. It is very scary and it can feel very consuming. My anxiety, I'll give you a little peek into my window is what I get. But when I was younger, I used to be very scared of throwing up. And so my anxiety morphed into this thing. Now, even nowadays that whenever I'm anxious, I just feel as though I'm going to throw up. I never do, but I always feel like I'm going to throw up.
Oakley Robbins (00:40:48):
And it was very overbearing. It was very scary, and I felt very alone for a lot of it, and I felt very misunderstood. And my advice to you is that if it is feeling like you cannot live your life anymore, you should seek a therapist or you should tell somebody, maybe not a therapist. Tell a parent, tell a friend. Just tell anybody. That is huge. That's the first step. Then you're not letting it run your life. You're showing that you're in control. You can tell people what's going on.
Mel Robbins (00:41:25):
Can I ask a question?
Oakley Robbins (00:41:26):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:41:26):
So when you say you can't live your life, do you mean the anxiety is getting to a point where you're opting out of doing things?
Oakley Robbins (00:41:32):
You're
Mel Robbins (00:41:33):
Managing your
Oakley Robbins (00:41:34):
Anxiety
Mel Robbins (00:41:35):
Because you're so worried about your anxiety
Oakley Robbins (00:41:38):
That you're not living your life. Your friends are all hanging out and they're going out to dinner and you're too anxious. So you're just like, I don't want to be anxious. I don't want to go.
Mel Robbins (00:41:45):
And that was you.
Oakley Robbins (00:41:45):
That was me. So that's when you should start telling somebody. I have two things I want to add onto that. I said something about therapy therapy's great. I love therapy. I have a great therapist. And second is medication is also great. When I took medication as a kid, I was like, I'm different from everybody. I have to take medication because I have a problem. There's something wrong with me. But there's nothing wrong with you if you take medication. I mean, literally everybody takes medication. I take it all to Advil's like medication. There's nothing wrong with you if you're taking medication for anxiety. And honestly, if you're taking medication, you're going to be able to live your life better. You're going to be able to go out to that dinner with your friends or you're going to be able to go on that walk or that run, and you're going to have a good time.
Mel Robbins (00:42:33):
And so do what you need to do to get the anxiety under control.
Oakley Robbins (00:42:41):
And I recommend if you don't know where to start, just tell somebody. Tell somebody and tell them everything. Don't leave some stuff out. Don't be like, Hey, I'm kind of anxious every now and then be like, I am anxious. And it is terrifying every day.
Mel Robbins (00:42:54):
Great. And here's the other thing, the tools and strategies that are out there actually work.
Oakley Robbins (00:43:01):
Yeah, they do work.
Mel Robbins (00:43:03):
And anxiety is a scary thing, but it's temporary. If you follow the tools and strategies that work,
Oakley Robbins (00:43:10):
It is a hundred percent temporary
Mel Robbins (00:43:12):
And you will feel better.
Oakley Robbins (00:43:15):
The best feeling I can assure you is when you look back and you're like, I was at a bottomless pit and now I'm outside and I'm looking back at it and I'm like, wow, I felt that way. That's crazy.
Mel Robbins (00:43:26):
Yeah, you can't even believe that you felt that bad. That was me a year. Do you remember Mother's Day a year ago?
Oakley Robbins (00:43:33):
I remember a lot of things a year ago. I remember a lot. I remember a
Mel Robbins (00:43:36):
Lot when I was sobbing about the fact that we had sold our house and I was begging dad to try to get it back. I didn't want to move here.
Oakley Robbins (00:43:44):
Yeah, I remember
Mel Robbins (00:43:45):
That. And you three kids were here.
Oakley Robbins (00:43:46):
I remember I told my friends, I was like, guys, we're going to move back to Massachusetts. My mom's pretty sure this time. You should see her.
Mel Robbins (00:43:56):
She is freaking, I was in a full blown anxiety attack. What was it like for you as a kid? To see me lose it, really have a mental health breakdown.
Oakley Robbins (00:44:06):
I think it was helpful and scary.
Mel Robbins (00:44:10):
How was it helpful?
Oakley Robbins (00:44:11):
It's nice to know that your parents, well, it's nice to know that your parents can break down and that if you as a kid see your parent as this strong, tall, super emotionally put together person, that's how you're going to see them forever. And when you grow up and you see your parent break down for the first time, you're going to be like, oh my goodness. And so when I was a kid and I was young and I saw you break down and I saw you break down again in the future, I was like, oh, this is just what happens. People break down. It's totally fine. Maybe not totally fine, but
Mel Robbins (00:44:45):
It's fine. I was
Oakley Robbins (00:44:45):
Used to it.
Mel Robbins (00:44:46):
You can't be happy all the time.
Oakley Robbins (00:44:47):
Nobody's happy all the time.
Mel Robbins (00:44:48):
No. And life is going to be ups and downs. And I think you're right. It is helpful to watch the adults in your life process things and realize that there are periods in your life where you're going to feel like you're in a bottomless pit and then all of a sudden the clouds pass and things are sunny again. And that's just part of life.
Oakley Robbins (00:45:08):
And you don't need to share the nitty gritty with your kids. You don't need to tell them everything that's making you upset or why, but let 'em in. They're a part of your family. They're there to support you. It's good to tell them how you're feeling and how you can be supported.
Mel Robbins (00:45:21):
Yeah. My 14-year-old son is dyslexic and feels different. Twins.
Oakley Robbins (00:45:27):
Twins.
Mel Robbins (00:45:28):
My 14-year-old son is dyslexic and feels different and dumb and shuts down instead of trying harder help.
Oakley Robbins (00:45:38):
I like this question because when I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a kid, I felt the same way. I was like, I'm so dumb. I can't read. I can't believe this. I'm dumber than everybody. And I remember you'd be like, well, the people on Shark Tank are dyslexic. And I was like, shut the fuck up. I don't care about the people on Shark Tank. They don't matter. They could be dyslexic, but they're also multimillionaires. I'm 11. What do I have? All right. I have $2 to my name. But what I'm going to say is that there's a lot of techniques and skills you can learn to make dyslexia more manageable. It's also different for everybody. It's different in that sense. But you are not dumb if you are dyslexic. What's actually happening is that, and correct me if I'm wrong on this, but the scientific thing is that your neural pathways take longer to form. And so you can have the same strong neural pathways as other people. Just takes a little bit longer to get there. Is that
Mel Robbins (00:46:57):
Yeah,
Oakley Robbins (00:46:57):
Is that right?
Mel Robbins (00:46:58):
Basically, your brain wiring is a little bit different. And there are techniques and strategies that you can use to really, you basically had your dyslexia remediated
Oakley Robbins (00:47:13):
By, you can have it pushed
Mel Robbins (00:47:16):
Down because you just basically train your brain to wire and fire new neuro pathway connections. And it's called Orton-Gillingham. That is the gold standard tutoring method. And so it's not about trying harder, and that's what is really important. Your brain learns differently. And because you're dyslexic, you have profoundly different talents. You're being asked to sit in a classroom and do things that your brain is not firing to do. But I bet that you are way more creative than everybody else. I bet that you can solve problems in creative ways. Bet. Bet. You are probably more talkative.
Oakley Robbins (00:48:01):
Yeah, definitely.
Mel Robbins (00:48:02):
I bet you have much better profound spatial awareness, meaning you're phenomenal at video games and at Legos and about building things, and you're an incredible problem solver. And so understanding that you've got these unbelievable talents that developed because other parts of your brain developed that is a superpower
Oakley Robbins (00:48:24):
For sure.
Mel Robbins (00:48:25):
And that's why so many entrepreneurs and actors and professors and people in the arts have dyslexia because by not having the neuropathways fully formed as it relates to reading and holding words in your mind and decoding words, and also holding pencils and being able to write, you developed other parts of your brain. And that's a really cool thing. And so first of all, I would say stop saying try harder. And if you have not gotten the proper tutoring protocols put in place that really help and other things really help being able to listen to books instead of reading.
Oakley Robbins (00:49:04):
Yeah. Yeah. I listen to books all the time. I am not the best reader, so I'm a little slow. But listening to books is huge. That's
Mel Robbins (00:49:11):
Great. And also being able to type instead of hand write. You can get the teacher's notes. There are all kinds of things that help. And I remember it was really interesting because you're an excellent math student, but when professors or teachers require you to show your work, you basically fail because you can't explain the steps that you took to get there. Your brain has all these shortcuts. I
Oakley Robbins (00:49:34):
Can do it in my head and I write down a few numbers just to remember things. But other than that, I can't really, so if you have dyslexia, you're not dumb. All right. What are, you are incredibly powerful in other aspects that aren't the school environment, and that's perfectly fine. School is not your whole life.
Mel Robbins (00:49:53):
That's right. I love that. That's a
Oakley Robbins (00:49:56):
Good one that
Mel Robbins (00:49:56):
That's a really good one. Here's another one. This listener wants to know what your curfew is because she has an 18-year-old high school senior who wants to negotiate a curfew later than midnight.
Oakley Robbins (00:50:10):
Your guys' thing is if it's, I'm pretty sure it's later than 1231, just stay the night, right? Yeah. I feel like that's normally what you do. Not that your parents, I mean for you guys, what you tell me, it's not that you don't trust me on the road, you don't trust the other
Mel Robbins (00:50:29):
People. Correct.
Oakley Robbins (00:50:30):
Because at 2:00 AM you don't know who's driving. Correct. You don't know how they're feeling if they're intoxicated or not. If you want to go home and sleep in your own bed, you have to be willing to sacrifice the fact that you should probably be home by
Mel Robbins (00:50:42):
Midnight,
Oakley Robbins (00:50:42):
Midnight. And if you want to be later, just spend the night at your friend's house.
Mel Robbins (00:50:47):
Well, and here's the other thing. Instead of curfew, I think about safety and location. And keep in mind it really relates to where you live. So we live in a rural area where there are no Ubers. And I am obsessive about the driving piece because I lost a family friend to a drinking and driving accident when I was in high school. And it was a really traumatic experience. And so I place more emphasis on being safe and on not driving. Then I do on the curfew and the drinking or whatever else the kids may be doing itself.
(00:51:26):
I want them to be safe. And so that's why I say midnight. Either you're going somewhere and you have to come home by midnight, and that means you're not drinking and you're not smoking, you're not doing all this shit. You're coming home and I'm going to be there, or you're going to stay overnight. And the same is true with our house. Nobody leaves our house. If you're coming to our house, if you come here, I'm not policing everybody because all these kids sneak shit, but I get the keys and you're spending the night otherwise you're not coming, or your parents are picking you
Oakley Robbins (00:51:51):
Up.
Mel Robbins (00:51:52):
And they respect it.
Oakley Robbins (00:51:54):
They do. You have to enforce that though. As a parent. You
Mel Robbins (00:51:59):
Do. You want to be the quote house that all the friends come to.
Oakley Robbins (00:52:05):
Oh my goodness. Okay. We are the quote house that all our friends come to and honestly love. My friends love 'em to the moon back. And they love this house so much, in fact that they just show up sometimes without me even knowing. Sometimes I won't be here. And I'll get a text and I'll be like, yo, where are you? I'm here. And I'm like, I didn't invite you over. And they're like, well, I'm here. And I think I feel like that's more of a question for you because just for me, I always love seeing my friends and we are able to accommodate them. So of course I'd love to be the house to have them.
Mel Robbins (00:52:41):
Well, do you feel any pressure or is there anything on you that everybody wants to be here?
Oakley Robbins (00:52:50):
I mean, no, because all my friends have come here so much that they understand what works and what they can and can't do. And so it's gotten to a point where I don't really need to police anybody. And it's really nice. And I mean, I'm a sucker for sleeping in my own bed, so that's true. If all my friends are coming over, of course. But for you, it's your house.
Mel Robbins (00:53:11):
So this is our third rodeo because you have two older sisters, and we lived outside of Boston when they were in high school. And the fact is, I would've loved to have been the house. I grew up in a house that kids hung out. Friends were constantly coming and going, and we were not that house outside of Boston. We lived in a small farmhouse. It had a dirt basement with a very short ceiling. And even when we ultimately cemented the basement, you could barely stand up in it. So that wasn't an option. We didn't have a playroom or a separate room for the kids to hang out in.
(00:53:49):
And it was just like a long, narrow house. And kids, our daughter, Sawyer, didn't want to bring her friends there. They wanted to be doing all kinds of shit that high schoolers do. And all her other friends had basements or had party barns or had a playroom that became the teen hangout. And so we never were that house. And I was always missing the energy and the fun and just the commotion that comes when your house is the hangout house. And so I was really jealous of all the other families who were constantly hosting the kids. When Kendall was in high school, she was a little bit more innovative. And I think she
Oakley Robbins (00:54:36):
Came over a lot.
Mel Robbins (00:54:37):
Her friends, her two or three girlfriends would come over and they'd sleep over at our house, but she had a couple parties where they would have him in the garage.
Oakley Robbins (00:54:45):
That was smart.
Mel Robbins (00:54:45):
That was smart.
(00:54:46):
And our garage was kind of underneath the house, so you didn't get the music, so could be down there. You didn't hear the music. And so when we moved to Southern Vermont, one of the things that I really wanted is I wanted a place for the kids to be able to hang out without me being all over them or being angry that the music's loud or that they're trashing the place. And so when we moved here, I'm like, I am successful enough at this point, at the age of 54 that I can afford to build a small outbuilding barn thing. And what I said to the person who built it is, if somebody takes a pool queue and shucks it across this room, I do not want it to hit anything that I'm going to be pissed off that it breaks
Oakley Robbins (00:55:26):
And there's nothing in there that
Mel Robbins (00:55:28):
Can. And so I love it because I love having the kids around because they didn't have that with our other daughters. And I also love it because I've gotten to know them really well. And I also love it because it keeps you here and I love having you around. And there's one tip though that I'm going to give to everybody listening.
Oakley Robbins (00:55:49):
I'm listening too. I mean, I'm interested.
Mel Robbins (00:55:51):
Do you know what the tip is?
Oakley Robbins (00:55:52):
Probably.
Mel Robbins (00:55:54):
Okay,
Oakley Robbins (00:55:54):
Set some ground rules. Is that,
Mel Robbins (00:55:56):
Well, I love having all the kids here, but I'm not your fucking maid.
Oakley Robbins (00:55:59):
Right.
Mel Robbins (00:56:00):
Okay. So if I'm hosting you kids, don't turn me into your maid,
Oakley Robbins (00:56:05):
Which we don't.
Mel Robbins (00:56:06):
No you don't. And do not turn me in. Do not make me feel like I'm getting taken advantage of and do not make a big mess for me to clean up. And so I have sat all of Oakley's friends down. I've made it very clear, you're welcome here all the time. And I have two rules. You need to leave this barn the way you found it, which means the trash in the trash, the counters wiped down, the shit put away that you pulled
Oakley Robbins (00:56:31):
Out,
Mel Robbins (00:56:32):
And you have to make the bunk beds.
Oakley Robbins (00:56:33):
It's a religious thing. Every morning after we wake up, we're just like, all right, make the bed. There's photos
Mel Robbins (00:56:40):
In the not say, tell 'em what I did.
Oakley Robbins (00:56:41):
Yeah. So she actually did sit everybody down. And I actually fully recommend that. Actually, before I go on, I would like to say one thing about the, do you want the house? If you're not the type of person that doesn't want a bunch of kids running around your house, you don't have to be the house.
(00:56:56):
If you want that and you can have it, go for it. It's so much fun. Fully recommend it. But if you don't want it, don't do it. It's not the end of the world. But to go on, you sat everybody down, you talked to them, and if you're worried that the kids are going to think you're the bad guy or you're evil, they know. They understand that it's your house and you have a few rules. And my friends are totally fine with it. And so my mom printed out a step-by-step photo thing that's in the bunk room still, and it's just there. I mean, we don't even need to look at it anymore. We know it by heart. But it's like we wake up, make the beds, go out, clean the room, and then yeah, it never takes that long. It's always good.
Mel Robbins (00:57:37):
Well, and here what he's talking about is bunk beds are a pain in the ass
Oakley Robbins (00:57:41):
To make. Oh my God. The top ones are such a pain, but we still do
Mel Robbins (00:57:43):
It. Yes, because I'd be angry if I were the one doing it. So you guys, seriously, I made the beds and then I took photographs of how they're made,
Oakley Robbins (00:57:55):
And we make them the same exact way.
Mel Robbins (00:57:57):
Pull sheet up, pull it back, tuck it in, fold the comforter, put it down, take the two European shams, stick 'em in front of the pillows. There is a step-by-step photo guide. And I'll tell you what, these 17 and 18-year-old boys make a fabulous bunk
Oakley Robbins (00:58:14):
Bed. Yeah, you'd think they're like interior designers. They set the pillows up perfectly. It's great. It's great.
Mel Robbins (00:58:20):
But you know what I love about it is, first of all, when you have that talk ahead of time, I think teenagers and young adults respect you because you're respecting them. Secondly, they know what's being asked of them. So it's not a situation where they're having a party and you stomp in there and start screaming at people, which I've also done.
Oakley Robbins (00:58:41):
You have done that.
Mel Robbins (00:58:43):
But I also think when you say, this is how you can be successful at my house, people want to do something to say thank you. And so I feel like I earned more respect. And your friends know how to be respectful in a way that I care about because of that. And your kids will be mortified when you do it, but do it anyway.
Oakley Robbins (00:59:08):
They'll be mortified. Do it anyway. But also, one more thing is don't make your kid do it because your friends are going to, if you're making your kid be like, guys, my mom wants you to make the beds. They're not going to do it. They're not going to do
Mel Robbins (00:59:19):
It. Alright, Oak, what's your final, I know we're going to get bombarded with even more questions after this.
Oakley Robbins (00:59:27):
Is there going to be a part two?
Mel Robbins (00:59:28):
Yes. So we're going to do a part two because dude, I'm only halfway through my stack and I know we're going to be bombarded with more. So you down for part two?
Oakley Robbins (00:59:36):
I am down for part two, part three, part four.
Mel Robbins (00:59:39):
Let's go. Let's go, let's go. I'm getting a lot out of this actually.
Oakley Robbins (00:59:44):
I am too. I'm loving this. I love the questions. I'm loving the questions everyone's asking.
Mel Robbins (00:59:49):
I am too. And so part two coming up. Thank you for all your questions, everybody. Anything you want to say in closing?
Oakley Robbins (00:59:58):
Keep asking questions. Keep being curious and yeah,
Mel Robbins (01:00:04):
How do you get your son or daughter to listen to this? If you're the parent and you've heard this,
Oakley Robbins (01:00:11):
Trap him in the car, you're going somewhere, be like, turn this on. Let's listen to this. But you could also, I mean they might not really care that somebody close to their age is listening to it. But actually two things. Two things. Two things. Two things. One, okay. Three things. Three things. Okay. So drop 'em in the car because that's always a great way to do it. Be like, give me your headphones. Just listen to this. Sometimes you got to force it. Two is maybe they don't want to listen to a full hour. So find a 10 minute segment that you really like and just be like, can you listen to this 10 minute segment with me? I think you'd take something out of it. It relates to something that I think you might be going through. And then what was the third one? Three. I don't know if this one's going to work, but just say that there's a kid who's close to their age talking in it and voicing his concerns and stuff.
Mel Robbins (01:01:03):
Awesome. I love that. Another piece of great advice, Oak.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:07):
Thank you.
Mel Robbins (01:01:08):
You're so wise. You must get it from your dad.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:10):
I think so.
Mel Robbins (01:01:11):
I think so too. Alright, well, in case no one else tells you today, I want to tell you I love you.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:16):
I love you too.
Mel Robbins (01:01:17):
And I believe in you.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:18):
I believe in you as well.
Mel Robbins (01:01:19):
And I believe in your ability to create a life that you love.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:23):
I do too.
Mel Robbins (01:01:24):
Now go do it.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:25):
Yes, you should.
Mel Robbins (01:01:27):
Alright, we'll talk to you in a few days.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:28):
Bye guys.
Mel Robbins (01:01:29):
Bye.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:31):
Think you should do, is the audio recording? Oh wow. We're in. We're
Mel Robbins (01:01:36):
In. We're in. It's happening.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:39):
Audio going to be doing this the whole time.
Mel Robbins (01:01:41):
Don't you dare. Uhuh. Give me one. Good clap. Mel, you want to do it?
Oakley Robbins (01:01:47):
Go for it. No, you go for it. You go for it. It's all you.
Mel Robbins (01:01:48):
I know you want to do it. Go ahead.
Oakley Robbins (01:01:50):
Okay, ready? My goodness. Sorry. I need to burp. Okay, perfect. Oh, perfect. Okay. Thank
Mel Robbins (01:02:01):
You. Your hand is
Oakley Robbins (01:02:02):
Coming into her shot. Oh, this one right hand? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'll make sure to keep my hand away.
Mel Robbins (01:02:06):
Oh, that is so good.
Oakley Robbins (01:02:08):
What
Mel Robbins (01:02:09):
That answer?
Oakley Robbins (01:02:10):
What answer?
Mel Robbins (01:02:11):
The one that you just gave to what I'm teeing you up to Go into the ad break.
Oakley Robbins (01:02:17):
Wait, I'm so confused.
Mel Robbins (01:02:19):
Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it. Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Hey YouTube, if you loved this, and of course you did. Oakley did a whole episode about how he dealt with his anxiety. For real. Just go here. You're going to love it.
Resources
-
- Raising Teens: How to get your teen to open up to you.
- Scientific American: The amazing teen brain.
- Psychology Today: How to talk with teens.
- Pscyh Central: Click or clique: positive and negative teen social groups.
- Parenting Science: 12 evidence-based tips to help your kids make friends.
- Parents Magazine: What to do when your kid is the new kid.
- The New York Times: Teens are struggling. What can parents do?
- Pew Research Center: Parenting children in the age of screens.
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