Episode: 19
You’ll Never Be Truly Happy Until You Start Doing This
a Solo Episode
You have the power to change the way you think and the way you talk to yourself.
Yes, you can be happy and content—but first, you must stop making yourself miserable.
The problem? A "Campaign of Misery" is running in your mind, stealing your joy.
Learn a three-step process to rewrite your mental programming, silence negativity, and make space for happiness and contentment.
Listen on:
Confidence is great, but I believe in being purposeful. Purposeful is much more impactful and active.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
We got to turn this on because something just happened. I am going to try to explain a breakthrough that I am having that is unfolding in real time that, oh my God, I don't even realize how much I'm battling happiness inside myself. It's like this campaign of misery. I pick up the sword, I start wielding it, and I'm fighting for misery. Can we come up with a prompt?
Amy (00:28):
I got a great prompt for
Mel Robbins (00:29):
You. Give me the prompt. What is this?
Amy (00:30):
What I write on the top of every page every morning?
Mel Robbins (00:32):
Okay.
Amy (00:33):
This will change your life.
Mel Robbins (00:37):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a life-changing episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so happy that you're here because this morning I had a profound breakthrough in happiness. I guess more importantly, I had a breakthrough in the thing that I am doing that is robbing me of happiness. And you are doing this exact same thing too. We all are, and it's in the background. You probably don't even realize it. Today's conversation is going to be an eyeopener, a game changer. I cannot wait for you to hear it. It is also unfolding live. I was so excited about this breakthrough that I literally barreled into work this morning, and Amy and Jesse, my colleagues and friends were sitting here ready to go, and I could not contain myself. I had to share this breakthrough with them. And what you're going to hear is me coming up the stairs and you're going to listen to that conversation unfold live. And this is more than a conversation. We are bringing breakthroughs and matches. We burn things. So let's go. Okay, so I was just about to have a conversation with my friends, Jesse and Amy, you want to say hi to everybody?
Amy (01:55):
Hi. Hi there.
Mel Robbins (01:57):
And I thought, ding, ding, ding. This is something that I think everybody should hear because I am going to try to explain a breakthrough that I am having that is unfolding in real time about my relationship to complaining and my relationship to suffering, and how that robs me of happiness.
(02:29):
And here's what happened this morning, I woke up and I felt this incredible flood of happiness and joy and gratitude because all three of our kids are home. And nothing makes me happier than when Chris and I are here at home and all three kids are here, and we as a family are together. And so I feel this wave of joy. And almost immediately a second wave came and washed over the joy and just washed it right out. And the wave that came over me was sadness and grief that they were going to be leaving in three or four days. I just felt this heartbreak hit
Amy (03:22):
that wasn't even happening in the moment. No anticipatory heartbreak. And they just got here
Mel Robbins (03:28):
And they just got here and it was so acute. And so I laid there for a minute and I thought, holy cow, why am I sad? I mean, they're here. And then of course, I rolled over to kind of explain this to Chris, and he had been up for two hours so that the bed was empty. And I get up, I brush my teeth, I'm kind of thinking about this. And then I get a text from you, Amy,
(03:54):
And every morning, Amy pulls a card for me. And if you don't know what pulling a card is, you will, because we are going to lean into this. At the Mel Robbins podcast, she pulls a card and it's a mindfulness practice. It's a way to get guidance from the universe, from universal truth. It's a way to tap into faith and magic in your life. And so I have become basically addicted to checking my phone after my morning routine and seeing what card Amy has pulled for me. And so Amy has a gift because every damn time you pull a card, it's like some portal opens up and I am hit with divine wisdom. Don't you feel that way, Jesse? Yes. And I don't even tell her. What do you mean you don't even tell her
Jesse (04:44):
She doesn't even need to know what's going on. She just gets the right card. That is exactly what you need.
Mel Robbins (04:49):
Yes. So here I am in this inquiry with myself about joy, grief, happiness, sadness, love and loss, just in it with myself. And so I check my phone, and Amy has pulled a card for me, and she has texted me the card, and she has texted me the description of what it was. And one of the things that I love about you, Amy, is that you not only text the card, but my favorite part is not the card. My favorite part is your enthusiasm about the card that you have pulled, right, Jesse?
Jesse (05:24):
And how you spit it back out to us.
Mel Robbins (05:26):
Yes. She literally goes, this is your card, baby. Get ready for this incredible message. And then she goes, this is the card you and I pulled back in July. I'm like, how the hell do you remember this?
Amy (05:40):
I do. Well, because number one, this card feels like, I feel like there's a very strong connection to you and this card for a lot of different reasons, but you actually, you did get this card in July, but then you got it again when we were doing another reading for you, a present future reading, and this was your future card. So this is always where you're going and where you are if you allow all of that negative shit to go by the wayside.
Mel Robbins (06:08):
And so you wrote, I consider it the mail card.
Amy (06:11):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (06:11):
And then you told me the message, and it's the card is the Garden of Venus. Why don't you tell me what this card means? What does this
Amy (06:19):
Card mean? Oh, this card has really deep meaning. And so immediately when I saw it, when you do these Oracle cards, when you pull them for yourself or for other people, first of all, I get very much into your energy and I ask for your guidance to come through, not my own guidance, just for you. And so then you just kind of let your senses take over. And the very first thing I saw was that there is a heart on this card that it might not be seen by everyone. It's not the first thing that would jump out to everyone, but there is a heart on this card that is,
Mel Robbins (06:55):
Yeah, because it's a picture. Guys, garden of Venus, beautiful garden in the center is a huge white glowing opening. And that's what I looked at. I didn't even notice that there was a heart on that card.
Amy (07:06):
Yeah, well, that's really positive that you looked at that white opening because that is what's happening. There's a big opening for you happening right now. So anyway, this card is about a bunch of different things as these cards always are, and whenever you pull them that there's always a different message. But for me, immediately that message of just love and happiness and rest and enjoying what you've created came through for me. That's how I immediately felt for you. The description talks, however, about something that I think is really important that maybe is what you latched onto. You want me to read it so that you can
Mel Robbins (07:44):
Yeah, I mean, I
Amy (07:44):
Guess you could read, read it for everybody. There is a part, it talks about the sword and the mirror. I'll just kind of summarize it really quickly. The sword is you always needing to defend yourself, your point of view, your judgments, the way you are. That's the sword. It's like you're constantly in battle with yourself, with other people, with society, with money, with whatever it is. You're just always defending. And that's, I think a lot of us have that natural posture in life, just back off or don't hurt me, or how hard things are
Mel Robbins (08:24):
Gripping or fighting. It's got to be hard
Amy (08:26):
Fighting all of that. And it asks you to put down the sword and pick up the mirror and look at the beauty that you are the natural state of who you are. And that's what we kind of talked about in this text chain that we had this morning. This is your natural state of beauty and peace and love. And when you're so worried about what the swords doing, you don't take time to accept that about
Mel Robbins (08:57):
Yourself. What I got in this moment, hearing you say that, is that the constant fighting with myself or fighting against the way things are, the way that they should be is robbing me of this experience of love and happiness and joy.
(09:18):
And so what I wanted to share with both of you and with you listening to us right now is that I had this insane breakthrough this morning, and I've been working on this breakthrough for two years because in the middle of the big kind of sea, I don't even want to say the word anymore, where we were all locked up in our homes. I just had a reckoning with myself in front of a mirror, and I looked at myself and was like,
Mel Robbins (09:48):
You're miserable. And the harder you work and the busier you get, the more unhappy you are. And you've got to start to take your happiness seriously, Mel. You've got to figure out how to be happy. And that might come as a surprise for you to hear as you're listening to Amy. And Jesse and I talk to that I at a baseline was not a content or happy person. And Chris would always say to me, God, you're always focused on what's wrong. It's never enough. It's never this. And I would reject that full stop. I'd be like, no, I don't. I'm a really grateful person, which I am. I'm a really positive person, which I am. I'm really, I have happy times. Not always, I couldn't even see it.
(10:44):
And so here's the major breakthrough I had this morning around waking up and having a wave of joy because all three kids are home and our family's together. Then it immediately being wiped away by grief and loss and fear and upset that, oh, no, no, no, no, no, they're going to leave the mirror. And my true nature is the love and the joy and the second that the gripping and the fear and the, but they're leaving and the this and the that. That's me picking up the sword. And I had this realization that, oh my God, I don't even realize how much I'm battling happiness inside myself. It's like this campaign and this campaign of misery. I pick up the sword, I start wielding it, and I'm fighting for misery.
Amy (11:45):
And there's always, when you have a sword in your hand, there's always something to fight.
Mel Robbins (11:49):
Yes. And here's the thing, when I'm thinking about the kids leaving in four days, I'm not actually experiencing them being here.
Amy (11:58):
Right.
Mel Robbins (12:00):
And then they're going to leave, and then I'm going to be thinking about when they come back.
Amy (12:04):
You're not present
Mel Robbins (12:05):
To the joy. And I'm not present to the joy. So I'm experiencing it on the surface. We laugh, we dance, we do
Amy (12:10):
This.
Mel Robbins (12:10):
But deep down I am engaged in a campaign of misery. And I think it's because my mom is always focused on what's not working, and she has bursts of happiness, and I so want her to be happy, and there's always something wrong. And it's as if I learn to speak both English, and I also learn to pick up the sword and look for what's wrong. And what I'm learning as I work on myself is I'm learning. That's not the language that I want to speak anymore. That the complaining that I heard of the griping or the upset or the sadness or whatever it was, that constant campaign that pick up the four sword, don't get too happy. Something's wrong. You want to go out to dinner, but I want to cook something. I can see you getting emotional, Jess, what's going on?
Jesse (13:11):
It was the two languages that you just said.
Mel Robbins (13:13):
Yeah.
Jesse (13:14):
You just battle all the time with it. I get it.
Mel Robbins (13:18):
Yeah. I get home. I think we should call it the mother tongue.
Amy (13:22):
Yeah, that is the truth. Because to talk to your mom, you had to speak her language of isn't this horrible, look at your father. Oh my God, prices have risen again. Can you believe My mom would always say Holidays are women killers. I know she said that. Wow. And I had to kind of embrace that,
Mel Robbins (13:50):
And I were just, well, did you also go to the like, okay, I'm going to try to fix it. I'll try to make you happy. I'll try to.
Amy (13:55):
Oh, sure. It's our duty to fix it. We don't know any better. As little kids, that's what we think. It's our duty to fix it. So
Jesse (14:01):
Pick up the baby sword and to fix it, you say, yeah, it is terrible. It is terrible. Can you believe
Amy (14:07):
That? Yes. Because that was something that I always did too. And maybe you guys did. I never wanted to betray my mother's sense of safety in the world and have her feel unstable and have her take that out on me. So it was like I was always agreeing with the crazy that came out of her mouth. Keep the peace, keeping the peace. Oh, yeah. And part of it, Mel, when you say the tongue part of it's that it really was a language that you spoken. You didn't know any better. It wasn't like you were pretending. You literally did not know any different.
Mel Robbins (14:39):
Well, and same with her. My mom did not grow up in a loving household. It was a super hardworking farming family. And I'm of course feeling terrified that when my mother listens to this, she's going to be super pissed off at me. And so I still have to say this because I don't want complaining or being present to what's wrong, to rob me of experiences of joy. I do not want to be sitting here in my life right now where I can look in the mirror and I can experience these next four days. And instead, what the old me would do is I would be already in my head living in the reality that they're leaving and telling myself a story. We don't live near our kids and I'm never going to see them again, and something's wrong here. And I would bring that energy into my day-to-day life.
(15:32):
And I don't want to do that. I want to put the sword down. I want to experience my life day to day
Mel Robbins (15:42):
And not be searching for what's wrong and not be engaged in my own private campaign of this isn't happening this way. And even right now we're recording this profound conversation and Eric and Brian are banging nails on the shed outside. We're banging it out here. Yeah, we're banging it out up here. There's my mind searching for, oh, well this, stop it, Mel, stop it because you may not have realized that it was a second language that you're constantly speaking just like if your primary language that was spoken in your house was Spanish or it was Russian, you speak that fluently. And then I feel like all of us have a verbal language and we have a subconscious emotional language. And I was sharing this breakthrough with Chris this morning. He said this to me, said, are you saying that in public you're a very happy, positive person, but in private you're sad and miserable? I'm like, no. It's way deeper than that. On the surface, I speak English and I am a happy, positive, optimistic person because I am.
(17:02):
But deep down in the depths of my subconscious, there is another language that I'm speaking, and I've labeled it a campaign of misery.
Mel Robbins (17:15):
And even if you don't identify with this notion of looking for what's wrong or arguing against your own happiness, everybody can relate to this idea that as you're ready to go on vacation and you're at work, you're thinking about vacation. As you're on vacation, what are you thinking about getting back to work, back to work? And for me, that sort of internal, always on subconscious emotional dialogue is to search for something that is wrong right now or is about to go wrong. And in this moment, there is nothing wrong. In fact, I am living my greatest day ever because I'm here with you two who I love. We're doing work that makes an impact that we fucking love Downstairs. I hear the voices of the people I love the most, and we're all together for three or four delicious days. And happiness and contentment requires you to look in the mirror and be where your feet are and let that joy and happiness flood in and not pick up the sword and gut the happiness by going, but the reservation, but they're running late, but the traffic, but this, they're leaving, but oh, someone's like, if
Amy (18:47):
You're always looking for something wrong, you'll find it. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (18:50):
And I don't think, I never realized the extent to which that was my default.
Amy (18:55):
Well, and also I want to say it is your default because it was what you needed to do, but it is not who you are at a soul level. It is not truly who you are. It is just that language. Right? Yeah. When you say subconsciously, yes, that's true. Subconsciously you do that, but on a soul level, none of us are like that. We're all this garden of Venus state, which is like, well, that's how
Mel Robbins (19:25):
We're born, and that's who you are. You're wired for joy. That's why you miss it. You're wired for happiness. That's why you miss it. You're wired for connection. That's why you miss it when you don't have it. You're wired for love. That is your natural state. And one of the thing I want to say, because while it sounds like, oh, blame your parents, it's actually everything. It's what life does to you. It's the fact that as you go through life and you grow up, and especially all three of us have survived childhood trauma, all three of us have nervous systems that quickly jump to anxiety. All three of us anticipate what could go wrong as a defense mechanism. And most of our parents are wired that way too. And we have an opportunity, every single one of us, to break that chain of speaking at a default level to ourselves about what's wrong, about what's not working. We have the ability to separate the language. You speak with your mouth from the one that you feel in your body at a subconscious level.
Jesse (20:39):
It's a great way to put it.
Amy (20:41):
How are you going to do that now?
Mel Robbins (20:42):
I have no fucking idea. No idea. Well, how do you put down the sword?
(20:47):
Chris asked me the same question. I didn't put it in the language of the sword, but he's like, how are you going to change this? Like I have been, first of all, I got to be nice to myself and I've got to bring compassion both to me and anybody that is in my family or around me that engages unknowingly in their own campaign of misery.
Mel Robbins (21:06):
Secondly, I said to Chris this morning, I'm 54. It is as fluent inside of me as English, and I can learn a new language. But just learning a new language requires you to practice it every day, and you'll slip into English if that's your default or you slip into Russian or Spanish if that's your default. I got to make a commitment to myself to practice speaking and encoding and learning a different subconscious emotional language,
(21:46):
And that when I slip into the one that I learned and have practiced forever, it's an emotional subconscious default that you have had since before you could put words together. We learned this from Dr. Becky, that from zero to five before you've got your own words and sentence structure and ability to truly describe the world around you. You are absorbing while your brain is in a theta state, which is a state of hyper learning, like a giant sponge. This is why little kids can learn a second language like that. You're always learning two languages when you're born. You're learning the one that's spoken out loud, and you're learning the emotional language that is deeper underneath it. And so you're question, Jesse, how am I have no fucking idea? I guess I'm going to write about it in my journal every day. I'm going to keep talking about it. I'm going to catch those moments where the wave that is positive that I feel myself picking up the sword and gutting it.
(23:04):
And I see it everywhere. I see it in work, I see it in, even with the podcast. We came out of the gates and this has been so wildly successful and the downloads grow every day and it's just been extraordinary. And instead of basking in, wow, we're making a difference, this is resonating with people, I feel that. And then I see myself pick up the sword and I'm like, right, it's temporary. It's luck. You're going to plummet off those. And then I'm like, ah. And then I come from fear instead of coming from my natural state, which is I just want to have these conversations that allow us to share our lives with people and connect more deeply, and that make a difference for all of us.
Amy (23:48):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (23:49):
I dunno. How would you guys, I mean, first of all, what resonates with you about the language you speak versus this second language that we all learn two languages from birth?
Amy (24:01):
I feel that, and I've felt that,
Amy (24:04):
I call it my tribe language of how my parents talk about the big things like money and relationships and big life events, like how they view them. I noticed years ago that if I'm going to live the life that I want, I need to leave this tribe not speak this language anymore. And I did a lot of research around that and how do I do this? Because it's painful to extract yourself from this family, family, from your family,
Mel Robbins (24:36):
Basically. Do you think that's what you experience that is that sort of crunchy kind of thing that everybody has, even though you may love your family deeply, that there is still this sort of mismatch when you all get together because you're at different states of evolving and different states of, we all speak this language with words, but we are all engaged in learning a new language at a subconscious emotional level.
Amy (25:12):
Yes. We've all moved on in some way, but we have our family roles, we have our common language, we have our tribal, and I say tribal in the sense that any group of three people that get together create a culture. Oh yeah. That's the
Mel Robbins (25:27):
Seth Godin
Amy (25:27):
Research, right? Right, exactly. So yeah, I decided I don't want to do this anymore. I am grateful for it, Marie, like thank you for the lessons I've learned and I'm moving on here. I'm making a conscious decision to move on. Well,
Mel Robbins (25:44):
What's also interesting is I think when you're present to it, Jesse and Amy, that, oh, okay, there's this thing I speak and then there's this thing I want to feel deeply. And when you can get in touch with what is authentically who you are and what you want to feel, what I've noticed is I have a much easier time
(26:06):
Not only with compassion and love, but with boundaries because I don't get hooked.
Amy (26:11):
The emotional hooking in that is that's,
Mel Robbins (26:15):
And that's a fluency because if you've ever been around friends that are bilingual, so we have very close friends that she grew up in. Her dad's from Jordan, and her mom is French, so she speaks fluent French and so does her husband. And the kids are bilingual and we'll all be around them and super close family friends. Hi Mark Ma. What I've noticed is when they're all talking to us, it's all English. If they turn and say something to one another, they speak in French because it's just like this thing. And I think emotionally we hook into each other's emotional languages by default. Yeah. Oh yeah, we do. So what are some of the practices, because you're a little bit further ahead on the road, you represent what I refer to often on this podcast as you're a light on the path for
Amy (27:06):
Me. Okay, agree.
Mel Robbins (27:06):
So what are some of the practices that you
Amy (27:08):
Have? Yeah, so I think number one, to put down the sword, how do you
Mel Robbins (27:12):
Recognize what your version of the sword is?
Amy (27:14):
I think number one, just recognizing that there is a sword and that it's not, it can be put down just like what you're saying right now. Pat yourself on the back and I'm not kidding. Do it right now. Pat yourself on the back for knowing that this is a good development for you. And even if you walk away from it for three months, three years,
Amy (27:46):
This knowing is the start of something really awesome in your life. So number one,
Mel Robbins (27:43):
Have you named yours? Because I've named mine the campaign of misery.
Amy (27:46):
Oh, I love that. I might adopt that. No, I didn't name that. But the campaign of misery sums it up pretty nicely. It totally is. The one thing I started doing. Journaling was a very big part of my practice. I would journal every day about this. Then I would for a very long time, then I would burn it. I would literally put it outside in a Pyrex bowl and burn it, and then I would watch it burn. It didn't take that long.
Mel Robbins (28:22):
Every day.
Amy (28:22):
Every day I have picture
Mel Robbins (28:24):
Up, wake
Amy (28:24):
My phone,
Mel Robbins (28:26):
Wake up, I would take a picture of the burning plan every day. We have to put, first of all, we're going to put this card in the description, in the show notes.
Amy (28:32):
You
Mel Robbins (28:32):
Walk us through
Amy (28:32):
This, I would burn it. So I would do my morning pages. Three pages of morning pages is just supposed to be three pages of your stream of consciousness. But I would purposely think about this tribal thinking and just write everything that I hated about it, everything I loved about it, everything that was happening in my life for three pages, I would write about it. I would crumple it up or rip it or whatever. I would put it in this Pyrex bowl so I didn't explode it and I would put it outside.
Mel Robbins (29:06):
So would you walk out to your front porch or were
Amy (29:09):
You on the back deck? Yep, back deck. And just put it out there. And I
Mel Robbins (29:13):
Would, why you get emotional at this.
Amy (29:15):
Keep going. I would burn it and I would close the sliding glass door and I would watch it burn from
Mel Robbins (29:21):
The
Amy (29:21):
Inside.
Mel Robbins (29:22):
Safety inside. You're
Amy (29:23):
Like, fuck from the inside safety. Sometimes the wind would take it and I would be like, good. See you. Goodbye. Every molecule of that paper that burned was one breath of that old language leaving me. And so what I would do next was most powerful thing for me. I would go to the sink and I would wash my hands up to my elbows every day. And that act of cleansing myself from whatever I didn't want, that just came out of me, just the image I just
Mel Robbins (29:59):
Got. What? So my dad's an orthopedic surgeon. Yes. And I think about the way in which a doctor washes their hands before and after surgery. And I just got this image of my dad washing his hands all the way up to the elbows and the ceremonial
Amy (30:22):
Absolutely.
Mel Robbins (30:22):
And scientific nature of cleansing like that. And then it had this direct reference for me, since he's a surgeon of the sword and surgery and actually deliberately doing surgery to extract at a subconscious level, this emotional language, this campaign of misery, that was my intention
Amy (30:50):
To extract that and not have that be a part of me. I am going to do this. Love it. I love that. I was raised in a family that taught me how to do this. It helps me be so empathetic and compassionate towards other people. And now I feel like enough, enough, I am very fluent in it. Thank you very much. Not anymore. Don't needed anymore. Not anymore. And then another thing, can I
Mel Robbins (31:20):
Just ask one more question because I know, I think that for those of us that don't have a practice of writing three pages, can we freestyle and come up with a prompt?
Mel Robbins (31:32):
Because I do think having everybody that wants to try this call this the campaign of misery.
Amy (31:41):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (31:42):
So I liked that you said what you love about it, what you don't like about it. So can we just kind of think up a prompt? So as I go to do this tomorrow morning,
Amy (31:51):
I got a great prompt for it. Give me the prompt. What is the prompt? That's what I write on the top of every page. Every morning. This will change your life. How can this be easy?
Mel Robbins (32:01):
How can this be easy? I write that on the top. Jesus. I don't know what, mark, what is this? What questions do you have? I'm like this,
Jesse (32:12):
What is this?
Amy (32:13):
Is
Jesse (32:13):
That my day?
Amy (32:14):
Everything die. Everything. Wow. Because with the sword and the subconscious language that everything is hard is so hard. We make our lives so hard. You wake up, you have joy. Let's not do that. Let's not do that emotion. Let's make it hard.
Mel Robbins (32:32):
What is coming up for you,
Amy (32:33):
Jesse
Mel Robbins (32:34):
Is with her gorgeous blue eyes. What is coming up? You're right. Make it hard.
Jesse (32:40):
Everything is so hard.
Mel Robbins (32:42):
It has to be. Give us an example of how you made your life hard already today. What were the disgusting thoughts? The campaign of misery. How did you pick up the sword against yourself or Jim, or
Jesse (32:52):
As soon as I get in the mirror, what do you days you look like? Shit. Good luck today. Not even good luck. Just
Mel Robbins (33:00):
Really.
Jesse (33:01):
Oh yeah. What else did you say to yourself? I get obviously super stressed and emotional with holidays because of my family's never really cared about them,
(33:14):
And I'm trying to change that. So that's also like how can I create my own language for my holiday in my new house with my new husband? All these things that I can start fresh. How do I do that with nothing from scratch? What does that even mean? What does it look like? Jim asked me that too. What does it look like to have a tradition? What tradition? We can do it, name it. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't have, I've been there too. I don't have any. Is it like a certain dish? Is it a certain wreath that we hang that makes it hard?
Mel Robbins (33:44):
How could it be easy? I just got what this means.
Jesse (33:47):
And it goes back to, it's a campaign of misery, but mine comes from a victimhood, if that's even a word,
Amy (33:57):
A big campaign course. That's
Jesse (33:58):
My second language that I've been nurtured in, bathed in of like, oh, you're a victim. You're a victim. Victim. Victim.
Amy (34:06):
Yeah.
Jesse (34:07):
Not me, but that's what I will be like, oh yeah, mom, you are, you are
Amy (34:10):
Victim.
Jesse (34:11):
Yeah, of course you're the only one. So that is kind of under the umbrella of the campaign of misery. But you're right, everything can be easy. That is
Amy (34:21):
Our natural
Jesse (34:22):
State. I've never thought of it that way. It's always like, oh God, I have to do this, this, this. Make sure that gets done. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. Right.
Mel Robbins (34:30):
It's so funny that we're talking about this. What did you get, Mel? What are you getting? Well, Jesus. I was yesterday running around like a fricking lunatic. It's the day before. The day before
Amy (34:42):
Thanksgiving.
Mel Robbins (34:44):
It's lunatic season.
Amy (34:45):
Yeah,
Mel Robbins (34:47):
Because we're in a new house and I feel the same way. What are my traditions? What are this? I'm the same. And we have plenty growing up. I just, well, what are mine? And so then I'm buying fake, faux, whatever the held things that go across your fireplace. And then I'm buying the little white trees that light up. I'm like, do I even like these? I put 'em up on the thing and I'm like, I dunno what to do. And then it's just garbage. I'm like, why? And then I'm sitting there today and I'm like, we need a wreath. We need a big wreath. The big wreath thing. It's got a
Amy (35:23):
So the traditional and worry and getting it right, not enough And never be satisfied.
Mel Robbins (35:30):
Yes.
Amy (35:30):
That's an awesome tradition. But I invite you to just bake cookies instead. Yeah, I know. Hey, listen, I'm not saying, and
Mel Robbins (35:39):
Here's what's interesting, everybody. I want to keep coming back to these two languages because the language that might've been spoken was joyous and happy and all this other stuff, whereas emotionally, the language was, this is hard. The emotional language talking. Yes, they saying to be perfect, everything was always hard. This is stressful way. Families are a pain in the ass. Right? You deal with yours. I'll deal with just holidays are winning,
Amy (36:05):
Setting you up for success all day long with that statement and all the other ones too. How can this be easy? How can this be easy? But I don't have an answer. But what if your answer is a can't listen. It's not about answering that question. It's about training your subconscious mind to look for a different answer to a different question. When you are working on the subconscious level, you have to have a different thought. You have to introduce a different thought into your being. That's why you like Oracle cards. That's why people like guided
Mel Robbins (36:42):
Meditation. Yes. People like prayer. People like devotionals because it introduces a different
Amy (36:48):
Thought. A different thought. Interesting. So when you are working on this level and you're realizing this is ingrained in me, this is not just a quick fix. I can't go to a seminar or I've been to a bunch of workshops. Is the 33rd workshop going to be the answer? I don't know. No, because
Mel Robbins (37:03):
You sit and listen and you have an epiphany, but you don't do the work to encode. You don't do the surgery to cut out the shit. You don't. Exactly. And you don't
Amy (37:13):
In something else, and you have to burn it on your deck every
Mel Robbins (37:13):
Day. I don't want to burn it on my
Amy (37:14):
Deck. But the thing is, when you write this, I have written this on the top of my journal for five years maybe, is that when you started doing
Mel Robbins (37:24):
This, you want to know Funny. The campaign of misery inside me is already coming up going, I don't like the question. Of course you don't. Yeah. Maybe we should go, how can today be easy? And
Jesse (37:31):
Maybe I should write.
Mel Robbins (37:32):
No, it's got to be spot. The campaign of misery. Make this.
Jesse (37:34):
Yes. And I look at that and I'm like, that's hard to fill up three pages. I don't know if I can do it
Mel Robbins (37:39):
Is, you know what? We're super easy. I think we should ask Jesse to just silently write it and then when she's done, we're going to burn it and we're going to see how it feels. See how it feels. Are you down? I'm so happy for you. I'm so down.
Jesse (37:55):
I just,
Mel Robbins (37:55):
Yes, and I've got pirate tears. Good. It doesn't have any of the holiday shit in it yet. You know what? I made hard. Start again. Alright, so here's what we're going to do. Let's do, I'm going to give Jesse a notebook and I have another question
Jesse (38:09):
About this prompt too.
Mel Robbins (38:10):
Yes. She don't like it either. No.
Jesse (38:12):
Well, it's stressing me out. I am like, oh, do I just need to make a to-do list of if I have to do this, how can I make it? I still have to do this a to-do list. But do you just shorten the to-do list instead of 10 things, combine it into three? Or is it, it's so funny.
Mel Robbins (38:28):
I sit here and I'm like, you're making
Jesse (38:29):
A hard, I'm just analyzing. Yeah,
Mel Robbins (38:31):
Go ahead, coach or Amy, but you do the same.
Jesse (38:32):
Okay. Am I focusing this around Thanksgiving? I still don't know what this is. Do we make it? Is it like work? Is it personal? Is it today being Wednesday? Is it just focus on the weather? I don't know.
Amy (38:44):
I get that. It seems very overwhelming when you look at this because this is very confronting because it's not how we were raised. It is not our natural language. How can this be easy? That is a very difficult question. And if it is, it's time to dig in. Here's what I will tell you. How can this be easy? Notice how your mind searches for this is wrong. I can't do this. I won't do this well enough. I don't have the right resources, the instructions, all of that.
Jesse (39:23):
Yes.
Amy (39:23):
Notice how your mind is searching for
Jesse (39:25):
That. Yes,
Amy (39:26):
That's it. Just notice that you can write three pages of Amy's a complete jackass. She has no idea what she's talking about. I don't know what write all of that. That is what I invite you to write. That stream of consciousness is really helpful. It still gets your mind thinking about how this can be easy. Part of the Morning Pages ritual is to get out all the crap, right? You've got a golden Buddha underneath a foot of hardened shit on the outside. So we're getting through that hardened shit and getting to the Golden Buddha, the hardened shit is what you're writing on the page. Or the
Mel Robbins (40:07):
Golden Buddha, right?
Amy (40:08):
Or the Golden Buddha. It could be. I find more Golden Buddha nowadays after doing this practice for however long I've been doing it. But it's okay to get the shit on the page. It's okay to not get it right. It's okay to not understand it. It's okay to just be in that in between. But your courage and your bravery to be in the in-between gets you closer to creating a new language for yourself. A love language, a language of acceptance. I mean a language of possibility, a language of inspiration. That is all what I was searching for when I was doing this. And I will tell you, it has brought me there. And there is even more. There is no finish line here. It's like just this glorious marathon where everybody's high fiving you all day long. You know what I mean? It's just fantastic. It will bring you there, but you have to be willing to stay in that space of this isn't going to work. I don't know if this is going to work, because that will keep you grounded, at least in the possibility that it might work.
Jesse (41:24):
And I think it's overwhelming. The more I just listen to it, the more I'm like, actually, you're going to fill that shit up real fast. You'll fill that shit up. It's scary though, of what could out. It's
Amy (41:33):
Totally scary. And that's why you burn it.
Jesse (41:35):
That's why
Amy (41:36):
You're like, you know what? I'm
Jesse (41:38):
Glad I don't have this. Did you keep that down there? That's what my sword is laying on top of. We don't touch
Amy (41:43):
It.
Jesse (41:43):
And no one looks at that.
Amy (41:46):
Nobody can look att go that
Jesse (41:47):
Direction,
Amy (41:47):
And that's okay. And nobody will. And that's fine. You're doing this for you.
Mel Robbins (41:52):
I love this. You're doing
Amy (41:53):
This for
Mel Robbins (41:53):
You. Well, we're going to go to a break and Jesse's going to write her three pages and then we're going to come back and we're going to burn this motherfucker. Let's do it. So before we go downstairs, I'd just love to hear, what did it feel like to write three pages? How can I make this easy? I feel like I just flushed a toilet. That was not a very profound way to put it, but it just like spiritual rush, man. Spiritual flush. Good riddance. I feel lighter. How do you feel, Jesse?
Jesse (42:34):
I feel like I just went through my own little therapy session. I mean, I started off really crying, writing it, not really afraid, not knowing what to write. And then you ended it with, I don't know, just it's night and day with my first sentence, my first two sentences versus my last two, which is really cool. I hit every emotion in that which I did not expect. Are you comfortable reading the first sentence? Yeah. I said breathe, be still. Be present. Hug your husband. Hug myrtle, my cat. Relax. Trust your gut.
Mel Robbins (43:13):
Why does that make you
Jesse (43:14):
Emotional? I need to say it more often. That's what I need to do. And just breathe, be still, be present. Hug my husband, hug my cat. Those little joys. I probably don't do them enough. Do as often. I don't want to say as I should, so I need to stop saying I should.
Jesse (43:36):
Do as often. I don't want to say as I should, so I need to stop saying I should.
Mel Robbins (43:39):
Yeah, there's that.
Jesse (43:40):
But just being still and being present.
Mel Robbins (43:44):
It's so profound, isn't it?
Jesse (43:46):
Yeah. And that
Mel Robbins (43:47):
Was, it's just the little things that we're not even present to because we're busy. Should have done this, should have done that, that we're not hugging the people we love. We're not greeting the cat. We're not.
Amy (43:56):
We're running out the door. We're onto the next. I feel that too. Just even as you said that I didn't really hug my husband as I left this morning.
Jesse (44:06):
Yeah, I didn't either.
Amy (44:07):
Shit. I didn't
Jesse (44:08):
Either. Yeah. And that's an easy change. But I started with that with literal handshaking just because I didn't know how to start this, where to start. What is easy? It's easy to breathe. It's easy to be still. And right now to be present with this pen and paper.
Mel Robbins (44:27):
How did you end it?
Jesse (44:30):
I ended it very confident.
Amy (44:36):
Wow. I want to hear the,
Jesse (44:38):
Yeah, if I can read just the last whatever. Whatever you're
Amy (44:41):
Comfortable with, I want to hear it.
Jesse (44:43):
We're around the holidays, even though I know you said don't read your papers.
Amy (44:47):
Yeah, I don't. But that's
Jesse (44:48):
Before you burn 'em. But since it's holidays, there's a lot of stress around holidays just being with family. We don't live near our family and they've never been a tradition. So I just said it's okay to not be with family for Thanksgiving. It's okay to spend my first Thanksgiving in our new home together with FaceTime. It's all okay how it is. Exclamation point. Stop putting pressure to make others happy. Are you happy? Yes. Be thankful for you and your language. Your new tribe starts now. Oh my Jesse. Wow. And wow, that is, keep going, keep going. There's anger in here. There was frustration in here. There was doubt. And it just comes out of like, no, you're fucking happy. It's okay to be happy and not be pulling in the dark side because everyone else does it. Or it's easy to relate on the dark or that's all that's been trained to do and communicate that way. That's
Mel Robbins (45:49):
What of us are trained to do.
Jesse (45:50):
Yeah. I can relate to my mom so easy off of guilt and off of bad news. What if I don't have any? I find it, and that's what I will talk to her about. So now it's changed that language only present the good that I have a lot of that I don't give love to, whether it is my husband and my cat or it is just being thankful for myself.
Mel Robbins (46:23):
It's beautiful.
Amy (46:24):
Yeah. That is really moving, that you start off in one place and that you end in another and you end with the Jesse that you want to talk to. What did you say? Well, what's really funny is I had a very similar theme to Jesse. Relax. Just relax. Just be in the moment and relax yourself. I don't know. Yeah, it was a little bit about breathing too. I mean, it's a really similar idea. Are you laughing? What about the end? The end is as I often find the end to be when I do this practice is like, all right, I can do this now that I took my emotional, my, what did you call it? Spiritual dump. I've got this and I can do this. And I ended in the same spot about a totally different topic, but I ended in the same. I can do this.
Mel Robbins (47:31):
Wow.
Amy (47:32):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (47:33):
Well, I started obviously with, I don't know, screw you, Amy. I wrote, the cat is pissing me off. He feels hard. He's peeing in the bathroom, he's peeing on the floor, the locker room. He's scratching the new runner on the stairs. He's needy and loud. In the middle of the fucking night he draws homey. Our puppy over leans in to sniff him as if he loves him. Then fucking swats at him. Like what a dick. Easy. So I go on and on bitching about the cat, and then by the end of it, like similar stuff about the holidays. I always deeply miss my family around the holidays. And yet I asked my folks to come and they said no, they wanted to be in Florida. And I asked them to come for Christmas and they said no. And it just makes me so sad. And so how can this be easy? Open the door, let love in. Let them be exactly who they are and who they aren't. Just figure out what makes me happy and do those things. Take a breath. Tell myself you're in a five year experiment right now of healing, of happiness, and of creating a spiritual home base for yourself. Mel, how can this be easy? Let go. Stop. Gripping and just love. Oh, holy shit, Mel.
(49:01):
Oh yes.
Amy (52:17):
Sometimes that happens too. Sometimes you really get a message even in that. So then I just light it take a match and light Jesse's for her. And sometimes it's more difficult than, do you want me to hold your mic? And so there we go. Oh, thanks. Wow. And then I just have a habit of standing back from it and watching it burn and just saying to myself, let it all go. Just slid all that complaining shit you don't need and the stuff you don't want. Let it be gone. Wow.
Mel Robbins (53:19):
What do you do when it stops burning? I'm now worried about yours.
Amy (53:25):
Mine. Yeah. I know sometimes that happens because mine's not lighting.
Mel Robbins (53:36):
It's funny, that kind of crumpled, ashy remain is what that black tar wave of misery actually felt like.
Jesse (53:50):
You're right
Mel Robbins (53:51):
That I felt this morning.
Jesse (53:52):
Wow.
Mel Robbins (53:53):
That physical burnt paper that's left in that Pyrex dish looks like misery. Yes. That's what I feel when I think, for example, about the kids all leaving instead of being present in the moment.
Jesse (54:12):
It's sad.
Mel Robbins (54:13):
Yeah. Oh, yours is smoking.
Amy (54:19):
I know. I'm having some difficulty with mine.
Mel Robbins (54:21):
Not really. Just taken some That's okay. Just taking a little time. Amy's burning hers. What are you feeling, Jesse?
Jesse (54:34):
Very satisfied. I don't know why that happened so fast and there's so much hesitation to write it and how do I start it? How do I do this, this, this, this. And it was easy. Isn't that incredible? Right? It's easy. It's easy. And I feel so much better. If I do this again tomorrow, will I write most of the same stuff? Of course. I think a lot of it will be the same right now. But again, you keep burning it. Keep getting rid of it. It was easy.
Mel Robbins (55:13):
Chris will be out here in his ice barrel doing the cold plunge and I will be doing the fire
Jesse (55:19):
Ceremony
Mel Robbins (55:21):
With my thoughts. Putting the sword down.
Jesse (55:25):
What'd you think, mom? Yeah. What were your thoughts?
Mel Robbins (55:29):
Seeing the physically burnt paper is very helpful for me because now I have this image to attach to the thoughts and the feelings so I can separate from it. I just want to be happier in my life and the only reason that I'm not is because of this I battle that I engage in. And so that almost honestly looks like a burnt sword. It just put it down. And I felt the same thing you did too, Jesse, that it's a lot of work to carry this shit around. And it's a lot of work, even though it's subconscious to be griping and complaining and present to what's wrong and everything's hard and that energy. It's a lot. And it was pretty easy to let it go once I made a decision to.
Jesse (56:34):
Well, it is so heavy and it's the heavy thoughts, like you said, Mel, but it's really not. It's just that they're just thoughts.
Mel Robbins (56:45):
Yeah. Awesome.
Jesse (56:49):
That was really cool.
Mel Robbins (56:50):
Well, Amy, thank you.
(56:52):
And I can't wait to hear what you think. I want you to do this exercise and if you want to see the burning ceremony, we put up full unabridged episodes on YouTube. Just go to youtube.com/mel Robbins and you can watch what we just did on the front porch up here in Southern Vermont where my kids will never visit. No, I'm just kidding. That was a joke. That was a joke. That was a joke. Everybody see. Put down the porch. Picked up the pen's. Mel Roberts is writing jokes, burning again, happiness. And look, I think, I hope today was a wake up call for you. I hope that you saw where you pick up the sword and you fight for misery instead of the happiness that you deserve. And I hope that you not only got a wake up call, but that you got handed a pen and that you're going to write not only new neural pathways, but a whole new experience of your life being happier. And in case nobody else tells you, we will tell you we love you. We do love
Jesse (58:05):
You. We love you so much.
Mel Robbins (58:07):
I believe in you and I believe in your ability to put down the sword. Stop with the campaign of misery. Pick up the pen and truly, truly experience the happiness that you deserve. Alright, I'll talk to you in a few days. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
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