Episode: 98
If You Only Listen to One Podcast Today, Make It This One
a Solo Episode
This is a wake-up call.
While you’ve been full of excuses, waiting for “someday” to come, time has been passing you by.
Your life is like a melting ice cube.
Stop waiting for the perfect time.
Stop waiting to feel ready.
This is the coaching you need.
And you need to hear it right now.
Listen on:
Where you put your time and energy every single day will define the life you create.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
I need you to realize that your life, it's a melting ice cube, and I think we all believe that we have time, that at some point it'll be the right time, that someday you'll feel ready, that someday it'll be perfect, that someday you'll be a legitimate writer, that someday you'll have something to say. And I am here to tell you right now, today is that someday you will waste your whole life and you will watch that ice cube melt. And you are listening to this right now because you needed to hear this. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. So I have something pretty amazing that I want to give you today. It's exactly what you need to hear. It is not just a pep talk. It is the kind of message that a really dear friend who's fed up with you delivers straight between the eyes.
(00:58):
What am I talking about? I'm talking about your dreams. You're the kind of person just like me, that every single year you write down the things that you want in your life. And I would imagine that as each year rolls on and the new list gets written, you move the thing that you didn't work on this year to the list that you do for the next year and on and on and on. I mean, how many years have you been thinking about writing a book or changing your job or changing where you live or healing some aspect of your past or finding love or learning how to love yourself or starting that business? These things that you hold in your heart. They are meant to be out in the world. And today I'm on a mission to get you to stop waiting. Stop waiting for the perfect time.
(01:45):
Stop waiting to feel ready. Stop waiting for the money. Stop waiting for permission. Stop waiting to feel like somebody's going to care about this. The only person that needs to care enough is you. Because today is the day that you're going to pick up the pen. You're going to start the research. You're going to commit to taking action. Why? Because that's what you're meant to do with your life. You're meant to create a bigger vision for yourself. And the reason why I wanted to talk to you about this today is because I know you need to hear it. See, a couple of weeks ago we did a episode on imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is just self-doubt. It's just when you intellectualize your self-doubt and you talk yourself out of doing what you want to do, you tell yourself, oh my God, I want to be a singer.
(02:37):
I want to be a writer. I want to travel more. I want to do this. I want to do that. I want to do the other thing. And then you tell yourself that you're not ready, that you're not worthy, that it's not going to happen to you. That episode was called The Four Words That Silence, Self-Doubt. So the day we released that episode, two really interesting things happened and it made me realize I to talk to you. I need to talk to you about how you're holding yourself back from pursuing the goals that you want to pursue in your life. And so here's what made me realize we got to talk about this. First of all, on the morning that the episode aired number one, I woke up and there was already a voice memo from a friend of mine. She was only halfway through the episode.
Mel Robbins (03:18):
She was already starting to tear up because the episode made her think about this dream of writing a book, publishing a book, and how she's been putting it off because her self-doubt and feeling like an imposter, it has kept her from picking up the pen. Here's that memo.
Cathy (03:36):
Hi Mel. I'm partially through Kendall's Imposter commentary and I had to stop it right in my misty moment to tell her and you as a woman who's soon going to be 60, I feel the imposter imposter syndrome too. Why? I've had have a book deal sitting on my desk since 2006, too self-doubting to take the risk of judgment. Oh, I'm not a respected writer. Oh, it isn't that interesting to actually pin it. It's been on the top of my annual goal list for almost 20 years now, yet remains just a dream due to every imposter, imposter excuse to not follow through. I teared up when I got to that part of your message, which is actually the most powerful awareness. Talk about a double barrel of self-doubt that I too share. I just want to thank you Kendall for being raw and real, and I want you to go for it. You got this. Imagine how far you'll be in 20 years and thank you, Mel. You just don't know who you might be touching. And I appreciate all your kindness and love to the universe.
Mel Robbins (04:47):
You know what strikes me about that? This is what hit me time, 20 years time, that for 20 years she would put on her annual list of goals, write a book, write a book, write a book, write a book, write a book. I bet you make a list of dreams and goals, don't you? I do. Every single year I write 'em all down. And when the next year rolls around, there's usually one or two that I move from one page to the other page. For me, it was always start a podcast, start a podcast, start a podcast. And so much fucking time went by where I carried this dream from one page to the next. Why did you waste so many years thinking about this podcast and doing nothing about it? Well, I'm sure for the same reasons that you're wasting time to begin with.
(05:51):
I didn't know how to do it. Plus, I had so much going on from the little things like I got to get dinner on the table. Somebody else has already done it. I got college tours this weekend. What if I do it? And it's a disaster. It's embarrassing how bad it does. By the way, who am I to compete with the people that are already doing it that have already said everything like Joe Rogan and Alex Cooper and NPR and everybody else. And by the way, all the good ideas, they're already out there. There's no room for me and I don't even know how to get started in this. I mean, the excuses are endless, but time isn't. Just think about that. Your excuses are endless, but time isn't. Think about all the time that passed. Not only was this something that my friend had written on her annual goal list,
Mel Robbins (06:47):
She actually wrote a book proposal and she got an offer and it was sitting on her desk since 2006. That's 18 years. What a shame. When you hear somebody's got a goal and they've just been pushing it off for a week or two or a month, you're like, oh, come on, get over yourself. Come on, get your ass working on it. Let's go. But when you think about how much time you've wasted, that's a lot. And look, I don't want to scare you, but I kind of want to take my hands right now and put 'em on your cheeks or your shoulders and shake you because I want to wake you up and I need you to realize that your life, it's a melting ice cube, and I think we all believe that we have time, that at some point it'll be the right time, that someday you'll feel ready, that someday it'll be perfect, that someday you'll be a legitimate writer, that someday you'll have something to say.
(07:50):
And I am here to tell you right now that today is that someday you will waste your whole life and you will watch that ice cube melt. You will watch time tick by waiting for someday to come. And you are listening to this right now because you needed to hear this. You have on that secret list that you either have on a piece of paper or you have tucked into your heart a dream, a goal, something that you want to change, that you are too fucking scared to get started on. And today that ends today, you're going to stop waiting. You're going to stop wishing you're going to stop waiting for the right time, waiting for this to happen, waiting for the other thing to happen, waiting for you to feel ready, waiting for this, waiting for that. That ice cube is going to be a puddle that will evaporate if you keep doing that.
(08:44):
And I am not going to let 20 years go by. No way. Not in your life, not in my life, not in my friend's life. Today we make a commitment to ourselves that we are going to get started. And I know you need to hear this from me today because the second thing that happened after we released that episode is that within 24 hours of it going live, Kathy was only the first person to reach out to me. But within hours, there were over 700 messages from listeners of this podcast from around the world talking about their dreams and how imposter syndrome had taken them down to how they felt paralyzed and awkward. How many times have you looked back on your life and thought, I wish I had started something sooner. I wish I had done this thing. I wish I had done that thing.
(09:32):
I'm going to tell you something. The biggest regret that you will ever have in your entire life is that you didn't push through the fear. You didn't push through the bullshit imposter syndrome. You didn't push through the self-doubt and get started on the dreams that you have on the life you want to create. And so today, this conversation is dedicated to your dreams. It's dedicated to the courage and the fire inside you and your capability of moving from thinking and wishing and wanting things in your life to finding the courage to take action and make them happen. And is it going to be easy? No. Nope. Is it worth it? Always. I think it's important that everybody just be on the same page about how scary it is to want something and how frustrating it is when you want something, but you're too scared to get started and work for it.
(10:34):
And my mission today is to kick you in the ass so that you push through the fear and the insecurity and the imposter syndrome and the sadness and the regret or whatever it is that's holding you back from taking the actions that you're capable of taking over time to chip away at this dream and this vision of a bigger life, I want you to start to see something bigger for yourself. And more importantly, I want you to start working on it. And what does that look like? What does it look like? Well, I'm going to boil it down. It's very simple.
Mel Robbins (11:10):
It's about time and energy. That's all that this is about. You do not have to write that book overnight. You have to pick up the fucking pen. You do not have to become a physician overnight. You have to research schools, and then you have to apply. Today, we are going to begin the process of moving from the dream world and the doubt world into the real world. We are going to get physical, and I'm going to bring in a metaphor that I think is really important, and it's a metaphor that I used in a project that we did with Audible called Reinvent Your Life. I like to think about life as one long road trip. Every year of your life is a mile marker on road of life. And the thing about this road trip is it's a solo journey. You started at mile zero and you were alone. That's how you came into this world. And wherever the road of your life leads you, when you leave this world, you're going to be alone When you leave, yes, you'll be surrounded by family and friends, but when you actually pass over, you are on your own.
(12:17):
And the truth is, it is a solo journey. Yes, you're going to drive parallel with some people. Yes, you're going to intersect with some people. Yep, you're going to travel in packs, but you are driving alone. And look, I'm not telling you this to make you feel isolated or unsupported. That's the last thing that I want you to feel. The reason why I'm telling you this is because I want you to understand the power that you have to make these dreams part of your day-to-day life as you pursue them. I mean, maybe you've been so worried about what everybody else is going to think and that's what's kept you from starting your YouTube channel or writing that screenplay or making a career change. I'm here to tell you no one gives a shit about what you do. You want to know why? Because everybody else is driving their own car on their own solo journey and they're busy trying to figure out their own life.
(13:12):
When you realize that the only person who is truly judging you right now is you, when you embrace that you are the one in your way, it can spark a fire in your gut. Yes, it sucks that my friend has been telling herself for 20 years that she's not a real writer,
Mel Robbins (13:34):
That she's not a respected writer, that it's not that interesting. Yeah, that sucks to wake up and realize that you're the one that's been dragging yourself down, but you want to know it sucks more spending another 20 years never writing it. So step one, you have to acknowledge the thing that's on your list and that's in your heart. And then step two is take responsibility for doing whatever you can, however you're capable, and whatever big or small way to move toward it. Get serious about looking ahead instead of looking back, looking out the window in front of you at the road ahead and where you want to go, you can inch your way day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year to creating a whole new life for yourself.
(14:31):
And that's not to say there's anything wrong with your life right now, it's to say that there are directions that you want to head in that you deserve to start paying attention to. And I'm going to come back to how you do it. It's time and it's energy. Every single day when you wake up, you can find five minutes or 10 minutes or 15 minutes to move from thinking about what you want to taking action on what you want, picking up the pen, writing a sentence, sending an email, doing the research, taking a class. All of these actions are how you move towards what you want while you're still in the life that you have. That's how you do it. And the other thing that you're going to have to pay attention to is energy. Because just like you are wasting precious time on shit that doesn't really matter to you, you are also wasting your precious energy, spending time with people who are draining it from you, who are not giving it back to you.
Mel Robbins (15:35):
And so every single day when you wake up, I want you to pay attention to where you're putting your time and where you're putting your energy. And I want you to find five measly minutes to start working on what you want in the physical world instead of keeping it a secret in your heart and in your mind. Wait till you hear what your fellow listeners from 194 countries have to say about the dreams that they're holding onto, that they're afraid to pursue how they're talking themselves out of it. And when I do this, I want you to pay attention to how much energy and time we put into talking ourselves out of stuff, how much energy and time you put into doing things that you don't want to be doing, instead of carving out and fighting for small amounts of time and energy to propel yourself forward.
(16:28):
You will start to see when you get serious about this, what an active participant you are in your own demise, how much time you waste, how much energy you pour into things that really aren't what you want. And when you wake up and realize that time and energy is a secret and taking it seriously from this moment forward, that's the answer. Not in big moves, but in the small daily rhythms that you can insert in little ways to just start honoring what you want in your life. And if I had to really bubble up, why this really matters is I personally believe that working on your dreams and taking what you want in life seriously enough that you do the work to make it a reality. I personally think this is the greatest act of love that you could ever give to yourself. That is the engine that fuels the joy and the fulfillment that you're going to feel in your life.
(17:27):
Let me share some of the things that fellow listeners wrote to us about as soon as that episode aired. Mel, I dream about being a motivational speaker, but I lack the experience and I lack the plan. Let me just stop right there. Let's just stop right there. Of course, you lack the experience. You've never done this before. That's why you doubt yourself. That's why you feel like an imposter if you've never written a book. Of course you lack the experience. You haven't done it before.
Mel Robbins (18:03):
And so the first thing that I want to tell you is that this is good news. It's good news because it doesn't mean you're not going to do it. It's good news because it just means you're beginning. And being a beginner is so cool because you're going to learn so much. We talked about this exact point in that episode I told you about earlier, the one that got Kathy crying about the book that she hadn't written, and that got so many of you to pour in the stories about how you've got dreams that you've been putting off because you lack experience. So I need to drive this point home about embracing the fact that you don't lack experience, you're just a beginner, and I want you to embrace this idea that you're just a beginner. So let me play you a moment from that original episode with my daughter where she's describing this. I'm a beginner epiphany to you. Check this out.
Kendall Robbins (18:56):
You can diffuse the imposter syndrome if you just accept where you're at. I think once I sort of owned where I'm at, which is a beginner, I'm not an imposter as a beginner because that's what I am.
Mel Robbins (19:12):
Wait, say that again.
Kendall Robbins (19:15):
I'm not an imposter if I'm a beginner because that's what I am.
Mel Robbins (19:20):
Yeah,
Kendall Robbins (19:22):
Then the imposter syndrome sort of disappears.
Mel Robbins (19:26):
You're not an imposter, you're just a beginner. Did you hear that? So that dream that you have, that thing that you've never done, great, great. You are a beginner, and that's amazing because everybody starts as a beginner. But as long as you refuse to drive forward, to step into the physical world and to start walking and driving and moving toward the things you want to create, you're standing still in your life and time is passing you by. And we're not going to let that happen because when it comes to the things that we all want to create in our lives, we're all beginners. I'm going to read you a few more that have come in from listeners. I want to pursue a career as a fashion editor, but I'm afraid at 34 of making a huge career change. Let me tell you what's more scary than making a career change at 34.
(20:24):
It's spending the next 34 years of your life in a career you didn't like and being at the mile marker at the age of 68 and looking back at this moment when you were 34 or 31 or 18 or 54 or 39, and wishing, wishing you had made the career change, do not waste your life doing things that don't fulfill you. You have the ability starting today to change the direction that you're driving in. Now, are you going to arrive at this new career overnight as a fashion editor? No. But you won't arrive there ever if you don't take the wheel on the car that you're driving and turn it in the direction that you want to go and start inching toward it. This is what I'm talking about. Here's another one. I want to design clothes. I'm 31 and I haven't achieved anything though.
(21:26):
Well, of course you haven't. How are you supposed to design clothes? If you're not designing clothes? How are you supposed to make that change if you are only thinking about it or writing it on a list? When I say that I want you to start driving toward your dreams, I want you to start taking action. What that means is it means that you need to start to take your time and your energy and in whatever way you can, in whatever capacity that you can, you need to start to direct your time and energy at the things that you want, not at the things that you have. And look, I know so many of you have really full lives right now. You're a single parent. You're caring for aging parents, you're underwater with your bills. You've got 10 minutes a day, you've got five minutes a day, you've got 15 minutes a day.
(22:19):
And that's what I want to inspire you to start doing. And I feel so adamant about this because time keeps going even if you don't. Because when you're so in it, you're so busy in your day-to-day life as it is right now that you can't see the bigger picture. Time is passing. It's always passing. I think a lot about this moment where after we sold our house where we raised our kids outside of Boston where we spent 26 years, I always thought when I lived there, I would live there forever. I just took it for granted. And over a year ago, I drove down the street that I had been driving up and down for 26 years for the very last time. And I saw the house that I had raised my kids in disappearing in the rear view mirror for the last time. And I say that
Mel Robbins (23:17):
Because eventually you're going to look back on this moment too, and you're going to think, my God, I wish I had begun back then. I wish I had started. I wish I had said, fuck it. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but I'm not going to let my entire life go by just thinking about this thing that I want to create. I'm going to try. I'm going to step out of the, and I'm step into the doing because it's never going to feel like the right time. It's never going to feel perfect. You're not going to feel worthy until you actually start taking the actions. And so again, I want you to stop waiting to create what you want in your life. If you want to make art, make art. If you want to write, write if you want to travel, you got to figure out how you can travel. You are missing out on everything because you're waiting for someday. You're waiting for someday to feel ready someday for it to be perfect someday.
(24:21):
Well, I'll tell you what today is that someday. And my mission today is to light a fire under your ass and have it burn so bright that fire inside you becomes the engine that drives you. And just so you're clear, those excuses dim the fire inside you. So let me stoke the flames with a little more coaching. Here's some more dreams of listeners. I want to leave my corporate job and start something on my own, but I fear failure. Here's the interesting thing about letting failure stop you. The fear of failure. What do you feel when you show up at a corporate job every single day that you don't like? And you've got this dream buried deep inside you and you know you're not working on it? Who are you failing? You're failing yourself because you're not taking any action on your dreams. And that's sad.
(25:25):
Here's another person talking about fear. The fear that's holding me back is taking a risk to change what has become my norm. Let me talk to you about getting lulled into what has become just your day-to-day life. See, that's a form of fear. Fear can be disguised as sameness. I call this the dream thief. This is a really sneaky way that fear sneaks into your life. It's why it's so hard to get off the couch. It's why it's hard to work out. It's why it's hard to leave a job that you've had for 10 years despite the fact that you want more, you deserve more. You're willing to work for more. It's just fear. You're used to what you have. Do not let that lull you into a sleep because what'll happen is decades will go by. That's exactly what happened to me every single year when I would write on a list what I wanted in my life.
(26:22):
Hosting a radio show is at the top of it. I mean, I was a huge Howard Stern fan. I'd been listened to Howard Stern since I was in my mid thirties. I just love Howard Stern. And I would write, I want to be a radio host, want to be radio host, want to be a radio host, want to be radio host. And then when the podcast market started, oh, I want to be a podcast host. I want to be a podcast host, I want to be a podcast host. I did the exact same thing I was so used to my current life. I kept saying, well, I don't know how to fit that in. I've never done that before. Who's going to listen to me? I don't have anything to say. I put all my time and energy into talking myself out of working for what I wanted. Here's another one. I'd like to work in the film industry as a director and writer in Los Angeles, but I currently live in Europe and I'm working in marketing, okay?
(27:10):
Okay. You want to be tortured by your dreams or do you want to work toward 'em? How about signing up for a screenwriting class and a producing class while you're in Europe? How about making a plan? How about you stop thinking about it and arguing about what you're currently doing? And you put your time into energy and energy into figuring out how to do what you'd actually like to do. See, in life, time and energy are your two biggest commodities. And right now your life is like a melting ice cube. Every day that goes by, it melts a little bit more. And that's why I so want you to start to take this seriously that today be the day that you get started. And this not only goes with how you're spending your time because you can find 5, 10, 15 minutes a day to start chipping away and doing the work to figure out how to make some version of what you want a reality in your life.
(28:18):
And we know based on the research and based on what you learn on this podcast, simply spending time every day working on something that really matters to you is the secret to bringing more meaning and joy into your life. Why? Because when you start to acknowledge your dreams by working on them, you validate something deep within your soul. It's an act of love to do that for yourself. You've been so busy waiting for somebody else to tell you it's okay to do it, that you're missing the real power in pushing yourself through the fear and the imposter syndrome and the self-doubt. See, I think we get love all wrong. I think we believe that love is something that someone else gives to you. That's not true. Ultimately, love is something that you give to yourself. It's something that you create. And love again is something, and love is what you're going to feel when you step thinking about the things that you want your life.
(29:17):
And you step into the physical world of them by beginning the work to make them a reality. I'll tell you another dream of mine. I really want to write a trilogy, like a fiction trilogy. I'm not going to tell you that thing. I don't want anyone to steal it, but I don't know how to do that. And it's been in the back of my mind for a long time. And what I know is if I were to simply sign up for some kind of class, even online on fiction, fantasy, novel writing, that would bring my dreams out of the intellectual or the conceptual and into the physical realm, and that makes it real. Do I ever have to write the book? No. Simply working on it brings something alive inside of you. What you bring to each and every day that you wake up is what you're going to create more and more of.
(30:17):
And that's the secret. Everybody talks about habits and how habits help you determine who you are. I want to boil it down and make it even more simple. Where you put your time and energy every single day will define the life you create. And so if you're putting your energy into relationships where you're not getting back what you deserve, that is a waste of time, a waste of your precious time. I might add another listener writes, the imposter episode was key for me, and I realize I've been filling my time with other things so I don't have to do what I'm afraid of. I'm going to come back to this concept of time and energy is the time that you have during the day. I'm talking five measly minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. Are you directing it at what you want to create or are you just mindlessly going through the day and through the routine and keeping everything the same?
(31:13):
The energy that you're putting into relationships are those relationships that are giving you something back in return. I am here to tell you, you can change your life by waking up every day being very clear about what you want, taking responsibility for creating it day by day by day, and slowly redirecting your time and energy toward the things that you want. It's just like pointing your car in a new direction and driving forward. And ultimately it takes you somewhere new. And that brings me back to why I wanted to talk to you about this because this is really a conversation about love. It's not about fear. It's about love. Because love is something you give to yourself. It's something that you can create. And love is the engine and the fuel that will bring more joy and fulfillment in your life. And so how do you start with yourself?
(32:17):
Well, and the more that you wake up every day and you direct your time and your energy toward the things that you really want to create in your life and the relationships that give you energy back, you will be feeling and creating more love for yourself. And you know how I keep talking about the fuel and the fire and the engine? Well, that's love. What can drive your life forward is creating love from within. That's why this matters so much. I have another listener writing in, I want to become a surgeon, but the process is very complicated. Well, no shit, it is very complicated if you look at the end result, but it's not complicated at all. If you wake up every day and you ask yourself, how can I pour time and energy today in a small way into this thing that I want to create?
(33:13):
And when you start to get that intentional, when you take responsibility for what you want and moving your life in small ways every single day toward it, everything changes. And it's not that complicated at all. And this final one for a listener, I still want to be an actor after all of these years, but I'm a coward. No, you're not. You're just a beginner. That's all that you are. That's all that I am. That's all that everybody is. When it comes to the things that you've never done, the dreams that you haven't begun working on, you're not afraid. You're not an imposter, you're not unworthy, you're just a beginner. And all that a beginner needs to do is wake up every day and in small ways, point their time and their energy toward working at it. And if you do that, one of these days, you'll wake up. Maybe it'll be someday soon. Maybe it'll be a decade from now. But you'll wake up and that dream that you've been writing on your list and moving from one piece of paper to another year after year will stop being a thing that you think about. And it will become what your life is centered around because you're the one that
Mel Robbins (34:38):
Woke up and made it happen day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. That's how you get it done. I told you, I told you this was exactly what you needed to hear. And here's what I want you to tell me. I want you to tell me the one action you're going to take today. I want you to flood my inbox and the forms at mel robbins.com/podcast with stories of what you did, not what you're wishing for or wanting, or the self-doubt or the fears make today that someday that you've been waiting for. And then tell me what you did so I can cheer for you and celebrate you because you know I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to move from the dream world and the doubt world into the doing world and make what you want a reality. And by God, you also know I'll be here driving side by side with you on this solo journey called Life cheering for you every single step of the way. I love you. Now go do it and share this episode with someone you love. Oh my God, that's so loud. Can we hear that? I think we can't hear it. Okay. It's pretty loud out there. Can we shut that thing? Is it a truck? No.
(36:08):
I have no idea. It might be, I don't know. Good boys. Oh, sorry. I forgot where I was. Is that it? That's it. That's it. Okay. Oh, and one more thing and know this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician for professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it. Good. I'll see you in the next episode. If you needed this today, I need you to share this video because it would be a gift to anybody. And for you personally, here's my gift to you. Five. Second rule, fastest way to kick your own ass. Watch now and get inspired.
Resources
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- Journal of Perinatal Education: Building confidence
- American Psychological Assoc: Those who doubt themselves buy the most.
- Harvard Business Review: The power of small wins
- National Library of Medicine: The neuroscience of goals and behavior changes
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