Episode: 70
The “Let Them Theory” : A Life-Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About
a Solo Episode
The "Let Them Theory" is so simple, you’re going to get it, love it, and use it immediately.
Mel shared the 'Let Them Theory' on social media, and it went CRAZY VIRAL—with 15 million views and 11,000 comments. Today, it’s your turn to learn this mindset trick.
Here's the “Let Them Theory” in one sentence:
When you "Let Them" do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.
Learn the “Let Them Theory” and set yourself free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you.
Listen on:
When you learn to drop the sword and let go, so much more peace comes into your life.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
I shared something in an Instagram post less than a week ago. There are over 14 million views of this thing, which always tells me when something goes that viral, that it strikes a nerve. And that's what we're going to talk about in today's episode. They'll let them, theory, my mom and dad don't want to come to Thanksgiving. Let them, my son or daughter doesn't want to go to medical school. Let them, my roommates don't want to do dry January with me. Let them stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do.
(00:34):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I have something so cool to share with you and I know you're going to love it because I shared something called the Let Them Theory in an Instagram post less than a week ago, and I just looked it up. There are over 14 million views of this thing, which always tells me when something goes that viral, that it strikes a nerve. And in this post it's just a quick selfie video and I'm explaining what's called the Let Them Theory. It is a game changer, and that's what we're going to talk about in today's episode. But to just tee this up, since this went so viral, I want you to hear what I said in this selfie video on Instagram. Check this out. I just heard about this thing called the Let Them Theory. I fricking love this.
(01:21):
If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them, if the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them, if your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them, so much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody, especially somebody you're dating or who's a friend or somebody you're trying to partner with in business, if they're not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force 'em to change. Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them and then you get to choose what you do next. The Let Them Theory, it's so obvious, and once you learn it, you are going to use it so many times a day.
(02:20):
It's just going to blow your mind because the Let Them Theory is going to allow you to detach yourself from the things that cause a lot of struggle and angst and emotion to come up when you get controlling. The Let Them Theory also allows you to let go of the reigns and give space for other people to take responsibility. Let them do it. And finally, what you're going to learn is that the Let Them Theory it is incredible because when you let somebody just be who they actually are and you stop trying to make them something else, you realize in so many friendships and so many relationships, you actually are in love with their potential.
Mel Robbins (03:05):
You're not in a relationship with who the person really is, and you've been so busy controlling and trying to change them that you don't even recognize that you're in a relationship with their potential. And when you let somebody be who they actually are, wow, it allows you to understand who you're actually dealing with. I can give you a quick example of the Let Them Theory in play because it works for things big and small. I will tell you, this is something that I have to use all the time. Just this weekend, it was our son Oakley's Prom. He's a junior in high school and here we are in southern Vermont. And I'm used to doing prom a certain way because we raised our daughters outside of Boston in a suburban town. They were also daughters, so they were more controlling. They were organizing everything. It was a community where I knew all the families, all the kids, the traditions were locked in. Everybody knows everybody else. And so here we are in this new town in southern Vermont and Oakley's going to the prom with somebody we've never met, don't know our parents, we don't know any of the traditions here, and it doesn't seem like there are a lot of 'em, honestly.
(04:18):
But one of the traditions that was present is that there were girls that were organizing groups of people to come to their house for pre-farm photos. So we go to this person's house and it was really great, great to meet everybody. Didn't know a soul there. We get there and I'm standing there with Oakley and it starts to rain. And not just rain, it is like a torrential downpour. The kind of storm where you go, that really sucks. It really sucks. You are going to look like you have taken a shower if you walk out the front door of this house and try to walk 20 feet through this rain to get to your car. That's how hard it was pouring rain. And so they're standing there, it's about five o'clock at night, prom starts at seven and the kids start talking, so what do you want to do for dinner?
(05:11):
And I look at Oakley and I say, you guys don't have a reservation somewhere? He goes, no. And I then said, well, what are you going to do? Do you want me to call? And I start then jumping in and over-functioning with my anxiety, which we have talked about before on this podcast, the do, do, do. And the kids are kind of gathering around and somebody goes, well, why don't we go to avocado pit? Now, avocado Pit, just to put this in context, is this amazing little amazing taco place, right? It's got maybe six tables in it. It's tiny. It's like the size of one stall of a garage. So we're talking one car parking place and there are 20 kids in tuxedos, long dresses dressed to the nines. It is a torrential downpour outside. And their plans for prom are to go to a fast casual joint in the center of town that could maybe have six of them standing inside.
(06:12):
And I immediately start, you can't go to avocado pit, you're going to get Will what I am controlling? I'm that person. And my daughter turns to me and she says, mom, if they want to go to avocado pit, let them, it's his prom. It's not your prom. Let them. And when she said, let them, it's as if I just went hands off. It was this little cue that was like, okay, you're doing that thing. Just turn from controlling everything, Mel, and let the current of what's happening take you in a different direction. And immediately what happens when you adopt the Let Them theory is that you are able to catch yourself when you're controlling people and you don't need to be, you are able to drop into a more surrender, peaceful feeling instead of letting your emotions rev you up. And it kind of begs the question, right, because I've been thinking about this.
(07:16):
Why did the Let Them Theory? Why is it so resonant for people? Why did 14 million people in a matter of a week watch and share that video? Well, I'll tell you why. It's because every single one of us struggles with controlling behavior or we struggle with controlling thoughts. And the Let Them Theory is a way that you can check yourself so that you're controlling nature or you're controlling or obsessive thoughts don't control you because the reason why we do this, we control other people or we just can't let it go. Have you ever been in a situation where maybe your buddies organize a golf trip and they don't include you or the women in your life go away for a weekend and you're not invited? Or a friend, a friend that you adore is dating a real asshole, somebody who's horrible for them, let them, I mean, how much does you worrying about it?
(08:14):
How is that going to change anything? It's not, how does spending 200 hours talking to your friend about this horrible person over and over and over, how does that, it doesn't let them, if somebody is firing you, let them. If your company's going through layoffs, let them. It is so liberating when you drop the sword, when you just let go. And there's this really interesting analogy that's going to help you, that comes from a psychologist. I've got a ton of notes for this. You're going to hear me doing my notes. I want to get this right. So many tools, this does not come naturally to us, and I'm going to explain why. There's a psychologist, Dr. Amy Johnson, who uses this example. And I think we can keep coming back to this visual when you tip into that control mode, and we all do it. I mean, come on, you can kind of go, oh God, Mel, let the kids get a burrito for crying out loud.
(09:10):
But don't you dare tell me that if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't have questioned the decision to not have a reservation, first of all, before prom. And secondly, to then want to go to some burrito bar right in the middle of a rainstorm. But I digress. Here is the visual from Dr. Amy Johnson. She says, whenever you go into control mode, imagine that you are in a tiny, tiny boat and you're paddling upstream. You are paddling against the current. It is hard to paddle against the current. It is a fight.
Mel Robbins (09:40):
That is what it feels like when you're controlling other people, right? Or you're trying to control them. That's what it felt like for me at this pre-prom party because as these kids are casually talking about driving over to the avocado pit and grabbing a bite to eat, I've got my oars and I'm fighting against that current. And I'm like, but you should have had other things, but what about this? But your date's going to get addressed with what the fuck, Mel?
(10:08):
So what Dr. Johnson says is that when you catch yourself doing it, you are fighting against the cur. You are literally paddling up emotion inside of you and resistance and frustration because it's frustrating when you can't control the people around you, right? It's frustrating. It doesn't create more control, it actually makes you feel less in control. What she says is you must let go and surrender. And so she'll visualize just hands off the oars, drop the oars. And what happens is the boat in that situation, what does it do? It turns around and instead of going upstream, when you drop the oars, the boat naturally just floats downstream with the current of how things are going. And you will notice the same thing, that instead of fighting what's happening, you are able to drop the oars and just surrender to what's going on, which creates peace and ease for you.
(11:11):
Because does it matter if Oakley and his friends want to go to the avocado pit? Of course not. Who gives a shit? In fact, it might be the most memorable part of prom standing in the pouring rain. All of them crowded in this restaurant ordering tacos before the thing. And so the bigger point here is I don't think any of us are aware of just how much energy and effort and time we waste on shit that we're trying to control. And the Let Them Theory is a lever that you can pull so you can create more peace and ease and love and all of it in your life so you can float with the current of things instead of battling it. So far, and the reason why we have this controlling nature is, believe it or not, it's a form of anxiety. When you are overbearing on people, maybe you're an overbearing parent.
(12:05):
We have a lot of people who write into this show whose parents are immigrants to the United States, and they were completely overbearing. Why? Well, because of two reasons. Number one, they probably had a lot of fears, there was a lot of uncertainty. They wanted you to succeed, they wanted you to fit in, they wanted you to have the best of everything and more opportunities than they did. And so they pushed you and pushed you and pushed you and pushed you. And the second reason why people do that is because they think it's a form of love that if I push you, if I look out for the best for you, if I think about all the things that could go wrong and I micromanage you, don't forget your umbrella, don't forget your lunch, do this, do that. Be this kind of major that you think you are looking out for the best for somebody.
(12:48):
But what you're actually doing is you are suffocating people. The second reason why we are also controlling and why you need the Let Them Theory is because it's easier to focus on other people. You trick yourself into thinking that you're going to be in control if you can control other people. It doesn't work that way because you can't control other people. You can manipulate them, you can guilt them, you can shame them, you can compliment them, you can love them, but you can't control them, okay? You can just try to, the person that you can control is yourself. And every time you use the Let Them Theory, you immediately reverse the focus of that control on everybody else and you turn it back on yourself. I'll give you an example of that. Let's say that your friends have gone away this weekend and your feelings are hurt if you sit there and worry about it, why did they left me out?
(13:46):
I feel left out. I'm always left out. What did I do wrong? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Maybe I should text them. Maybe I should say something. Maybe I should. No, you know what you should do? You should let them go away. You should let them go away and you should stop focusing on what they're doing because all this obsessing about it and thinking about what you need to do in order to control what's happening, it's not working. And secondly, it's distracting you from what you really need to do, which is put the focus back on yourself. As you're sitting there, ask yourself, well, if I'm this upset by it, what do I need to do to make sure that I am proactive about friendships, that I'm the one organizing these things? That's where the real power is. And finally, the reason why we engage in such controlling behavior and these obsessive thoughts is because oftentimes it distracts us from the truth. Oftentimes when you are,
Mel Robbins (14:48):
You know I stop and think a little bit about this situation with Oakley and the Prom and it's really dumb, but there's a very deep underlying thing that was going on. I've gone through four prom experiences with our daughters in a public high school outside of Boston, and it was not like the prom here. And I think all of the things that felt unfamiliar reminded me that I'm in a new place. We got home from that pre-prom photo party. I turned to Chris and I said, I'm really kind of sad because I miss knowing all the kids and I miss knowing all the parents, and I miss seeing kids that I have known since they were in diapers all grown up in tuxes. And I think I'm just kind of sad and I'm controlling where Oakley is going to eat because that was something that was always part of the prom experience back home.
(15:48):
And so a lot of times the controlling or the obsessing is triggered by the way you think things should be or the way that you're used to things being, and you're uncomfortable with the uncertainty, which is why you jump in and you do this. And so that's where the Let Them Theory comes in because you can use them theory for just about anything. And 99% of the time when you feel yourself trying to control a situation or another human being, I want you to use the Let Them Theory. I want you to literally say to yourself, my mom and dad don't want to come to Thanksgiving. Let them, my sister-in-law doesn't want to go to so-and-so's baby shower, let her, my son or daughter doesn't want to go to medical school, let them, my husband doesn't want to train for this triathlon that I've signed up for.
(16:43):
Let them, my roommates don't want to do dry January with me. Let them stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do. And so much more peace will come into your life and you will also take that exact same energy and angst and frustration that you are aiming at your kid going to the avocado pit and you will have it to put towards something else. It's really powerful and that's why I want to take the time to truly unpack this. So before I tell you the three different ways you can use this, because we're going to break these down because I've been very, very surprised by how often I use the Let Them Theory and I'm also surprised by the amount of peace, control and confidence and love that it brings into my life when I use this with myself and when I use this as advice with other people, I want to give you though three caveats because the Let Them Theory is basically where you're going to go, drop the oars.
Mel Robbins (17:51):
I'm out. I'm just going to let you do it. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm not going to bitch about it. I'm not going to try to control it. I'm just going to let them, okay? But there's three moments in time where I don't want you to do that, where I want you to step up and I want to cover these off the bat because I know so many of you're going to be like, but what about this? Let me just say upfront, if somebody is doing something dangerous or they are discriminating against you, do not let them do that. For example, if you've got a buddy or a family member that's had a couple drinks, don't let them get behind the wheel of a car. That's not a time to drop the oars and just go with the flow. And so I think that example is very clear.
(18:35):
The second example of where you're not going to just let people do whatever they're going to do, that's where you need to ask for something or you've got to advocate for your rights. And I'm going to give you a really important example about this. Don't ever let somebody determine what they're going to pay you when you get hired. I'm not kidding about this, and this is really important for you to hear because there was a Pew research study that was done this year in 2023, 60% of people surveyed said in their past job, they didn't even negotiate their salary, they just let the company pay 'em whatever. Do not do that, okay? So if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself, do not let somebody just to decide those things, okay? You got to step up and you got to take control in that situation.
(19:23):
And finally, if somebody is continuously crossing your boundaries, don't let them do that. If you've expressed them, if you've defined them, you need to hold your boundary. Do not let them just walk all over you like a doormat. Okay, good. Alright, with those three caveats, we are going to jump into the three specific ways. I want you to start using the Let Them Theory. But before we do that, we're going to hear a short word from our sponsors because they allow me to bring this to you, this amazing Let Them Theory in detail for Zero Cost. We love our sponsors, so let's let them tell you a little bit about why they're so cool and then when we return, the three ways you are going to use the Let Them Theory to bring more control and peace back into your life. But you know what?
(20:10):
This Let Them Theory does not apply to you. You watching on YouTube, I'm so excited you're here, but I'm not going to let you just continue to watch without subscribing. Please, your support is a huge deal. I'm able to bring you new videos every single day because of the ad support on our YouTube channel. So if you have not subscribed, hit the subscribe below. I do not want to let you just keep on freeloading and I know that you want to support the show too because our friends over in Podcast Land, they're on Commercial Break. You and me, I am guilting and controlling you right now to subscribe to the channel. Alright, subscribe now, let's get back to the show. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and I'm teaching you a theory called the Let Them Theory. That is something that I use nonstop. My kids also use this when I become an overbearing mother.
(21:03):
And I had just explained that the Let Them Theory is used in a moment where you feel yourself ramping up the control. You're just wrapped around the axle, your knickers are in a pinch. You can't believe so-and-so did such and such, or you're just thinking about it. Why didn't they invite me? Why does everybody get together? Why does my roommate always do this? She was in town and she didn't call me. Let them let them other people get to be themselves. Other people get to make decisions. The Let Them Theory is a way for you to address your own anxiety about uncertainty. It is a way for you to let people be who they are. It is a way for you to get out of other people's business and stick to your own business. And it is a way for you to create emotional peace, to not whip yourself into a frenzy, to not care about things that are really not your concern.
(22:01):
And to stop this reflexive need to control or comment on everyone around you. When I looked at the post that we did on Instagram, there were 9,800 comments this morning on this thing. It's only been up for a week. That's how much has struck a nerve. 9,800 comments in one week. That's incredible. Here's a great comment. Let people be who they are because sometimes you need that person that way so them, it doesn't have to be everything a bad thing or anything. It's so true. I think about that with my husband. I used to get so annoyed because the guy's a slow processor just really, you can almost hear the wheels turning as he's thinking about something and he asks a lot of questions and it used to drive me fucking crazy. I just would be like, could you spin it out? You're like, what are you thinking about?
(23:00):
And I realized I need him to be that way because I am moving at the speed of light. One of us has to have our feet on the ground. One of us has to be thinking through decisions. One of us has to make sure that the bills get paid and the dog gets to the vet, and that the things that we're doing are thought through. And so I use the Let Them Theory to just let Chris be who he is and stop making him wrong and stop trying to control him. And it certainly creates more peace for him and it also allows me to be more present. So let's talk about the three ways that you are going to use the Let Them Theory in your life. The first one is detachment.
Mel Robbins (23:50):
Use the Let Them theory to detach yourself from the emotional or mental struggle that you can get yourself into when you're thinking about either what other people are doing or how things should be going.
(24:08):
And to just tap into emotional peace. Sofa, ma, I'm saying it wrong, wrote this on Instagram. I've wasted a lot of time Mel and energy feeling inadequate due to my expectations of other people. It hurts. Yet I've learned to make the conscious choice to keep doing me regardless of their behavior. It's fucking hard to be good at this. It requires practice. And you know what else? I think it requires when you realize this strikes a nerve for all of us that we all have trouble with this because of course you have expectations. I'll give you an example. Have you ever gone to a wedding and it's a wedding where a lot of your friends from college or a certain period of your life are going to be there and you're so excited because you think that you're all going to be seated together. This always happens to me and Chris always. And you go to the wedding and you go up to that beautiful display that people do now where everybody's cards are in a place to find out where you're sitting and you pull out your card and you're like, we're at table 11. Where are you guys? We're like, we're at table three, we're at table four, or we're at table four, we're at table 11 too. And you realize all your friends are sitting together, but you.
(25:21):
And in those moments, I want to try to switch cards. I want to make the bride and groom wrong. I want let them, let them. It's their wedding. Let them do what they want instead of feeling hurt, instead of feeling bummed, instead of looking over that table across the dance floor longingly and thinking, why the fuck am I with the second aunt and the cousins? Oh, I know I can talk to anybody. I can see it right now. They're sitting there. Oh, Mel and Chris can talk to anybody. We'll stick 'em over here. As I'm looking longingly across the dance floor and I'm making up a, they're having way more fun. I'm at no, let them, let the bride and groom do what they needed to do. Let the friends do what they're needing to do. Just let them, because does that emotional turmoil that you create inside yourself, does it actually help you enjoy the way?
(26:11):
No. Does it change where you're sitting? No. So them, it's like a form of radical acceptance. And it is hard. It's hard because I think we default to holding onto our expectations or holding onto feeling hurt or wronged or having an opinion about how things should, it's too hot. Why are they doing it? Let them let them. If United Airlines wants to board from the back of the plane, let them, who cares that you paid extra for extra leg room? You're still going to get it. Let them do what they need to do. Here's another comment. A friend told me that she was so upset and disappointed that another friend had gone without her on a trip that she thought that they were supposed to take together. My God was she fixated on it. She just couldn't let it go. This is the perfect opportunity to tell your friend about the Let Them Theory.
(27:04):
If you heard about the Let Them Theory, when your friend does something that upsets you, let them, I mean for all. It's not that they didn't want to go with you, it's that they just needed time alone. So let them take the trip alone. Why do you have to be so offended about everything? Why do you have to be so fucking hurt about everything? Not everything's that serious or that deep? Everybody let people do what they need to do. That's detachment. And I think it's very straightforward. You're upset about something, you're talking about something, you're griping about something. You're feeling hurt about something. Use the Let Them Theory. And just for those of you that are kind of smarty pants and you're going to write in and be like, Ben, what about if you're at the beach and they leave their shoes on the beach and you're, what?
(27:49):
Do you just let 'em leave the shoes on the beach? No, you're not upset about it, are you? Of course you're going to turn to your friend and be like, Hey, dumb ass, you left your flip flops over there. Go get 'em. You're not going to let them do that. I'm talking about when you're getting yourself worked up about something, you're getting yourself annoyed about something. And I can give you another example. When I first moved to Vermont, we moved here in March of 2020, say No more. And so there were travel restrictions for a couple years and that limited anybody's ability to visit us. But it's now going on Oakley's Junior year and my parents have still yet to visit. And I was really hurt by this and really upset by it thinking, wait a minute, he's now a junior in high school and they haven't come to see where we live.
(28:42):
And I kept saying, just let them just let they have their reasons. Just keep inviting them and let them. And what I finally realized, because instead of being upset about it, I just had a conversation with my mom about it, is she said, I just don't like that state. And I said, why? And she told me the story about how when she was really little, her parents left her at the family farm with her grandmother and they went to the state of Vermont with her older sister to do something related to an eye surgery. And while they were gone, my great-grandmother dropped dead next to my mom. And when my grandparents, her parents came home, one of the first things they said to her is, why didn't you save her? And so when I see that story, I see this isn't about me, this is about something else.
(29:31):
Let people do what they need to do. When you give people the space to do things in a way that makes 'em feel comfortable, eventually they come around and sure enough, they're going to be here in a month and I can't wait. But you got to let 'em, 'em have the space to sort through their stuff. So let's talk about the second way you're going to use this theory. And this can be a little trickier because this is the Let Them theory when you really need to take a step back and you got to let people fail. And you've got to give people the room to grow, the room to learn and the room to take personal responsibility for something in their life. And I'm going to give you a couple examples of this. So when our son was in fifth grade, he went to this incredible school outside of Boston that focuses on language-based learning differences.
(30:29):
So like dyslexia, dysgraphia, that kind of stuff. And I'll never forget, they said, if you forget their lunch, don't bring it. They're not going to go hungry, but don't bring it because so much of what we're trying to teach them is that they are capable of creating systems to remember things. And if they constantly forget things and you rescue them, they're never going to learn that it's in the forgetting. It's in the sting. It's in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you and you create systems and processes to actually do it. And so if they forget their lunch, let them do it. If they forget an application deadline for a job, let 'em forget why? Because they needed to learn that lesson. And here's the hardest application of this on the planet. If you have somebody in your life that's struggling with addiction, anybody who has dealt with this will tell you nobody gets sober until they're ready to.
(31:36):
And so if somebody is not ready to go to rehab, let them. If you force 'em to go, they're just going to leave. If somebody relapses, let them. It's not until they tell you that they're ready for help, that they are going to actually use the help that you give them. And this is a really, really, really hard thing to grasp in your life. Let them just let them. And it's important because
Mel Robbins (32:06):
Every time that you bail your sister out who's terrible with money and you loan her money, you know what happens? She continues to be terrible with money. Sometimes you need the sting of 11 bounce checks or the lien on the house, which is what happened to Chris and I back in 2000, whatever. I remember he asked his brother to loan him some money and he said, I'm sorry if me not giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt then so be it.
(32:34):
But I can't bail you out. You got to figure out how to do this yourself. He let Chris fail and it was one of the most important things in the world. Why? Because he wasn't responsible for Chris's failure. Chris was, and he wasn't responsible for rescuing him, Chris was. And when you constantly rescue people, you're teaching them that they're not capable of rescuing themselves. And so the next time you get that whiny phone call from somebody that needs money or somebody that forgot something or somebody that wants to transfer yet again, don't control the situation. Simply hear them out and say, if you want to do that, great, I'll support you by cheering you on, but you're going to have to do the paperwork. You're going to have to figure out how to get out of debt. You're going to have to come to me when you're ready to get clean, you got to let them do it themselves.
(33:30):
And here's one more thing on that. Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow. Every time you step in and you make the problem go away, you make the person a little weaker and more dependent on you. So if you truly want somebody to tap into the strength inside themselves, yes, there is a time to support people. But if somebody keeps relapsing, if somebody keeps forgetting their lunch, if somebody keeps dating the same toxic fucking person, let them because eventually it's not going to work. And then they're going to come to you and ask for help. And when they do, they'll be ready to accept it. And for you, people pleasers out here like Anne Waters who commented on my Instagram post, she says, but now I'm a people pleaser and I keep doing lots of stuff for other people.
(34:27):
How the heck do I stop doing that? They'll let them theory, let them do it themselves. Let your kids do their laundry and have the jeans bleed into the sweatshirts and have it all be that kind of weird, bluish gray color. Let them do that. Let them learn that they actually care about doing it right. Let everybody at work go without having their birthday celebrated. Why do you have to be the one that remembers it and brings all the cupcakes? Just let 'em let your brother host the holidays this year. Why do you have to bend yourself over backwards? Let them step up. Let your friends make the plans. Why do you have to be the one that makes the plans all the time? And finally work? If you feel like you take on everybody's work, let them do their own job, it's certainly going to be easier on you when you use the Let Them Do It Theory.
(35:16):
Oh, it's your presentation. You're behind the ball. I'm sorry, I've got these 55,000 I wish I could help, but I'm going to let you keep that on your plate. Thank you very much. And this feels like a really good time to let our sponsors have a little word. So let them tell you a little bit about their cool products and services. And when we return the third very surprising way, perhaps most powerful one that you're going to use, the Let Them Theory in your life when we return. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today you and I are talking about the Let Them Theory. It's just the most beautiful detachment, emotional peace kind of little tool that you can use to catch yourself when that controlling, nagging, ruminating behavior kicks up inside you. Or when you catch yourself rescuing people, you're going to take a step back.
(36:06):
You're going to let 'em fail. You're going to let 'em drop on their face and you, my friend, are going to let them grow from it. You're standing by, you'll be there when they've learned the lesson. But for now, we got to let the people in your life fail, fall, do things their way because it's what is going to help them grow. Besides, it's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is you and your happiness. And that brings me to the third way that you're going to use the Let Them Theory. And this one is really difficult.
(36:40):
Let them be themselves. Say it again. Let the people in your life be who they are and let them be who they're not. See, I think that we all make the mistake of getting into relationships and we're not really in a relationship with the person as they are. We're in a relationship with the potential.
Mel Robbins (37:07):
And when you focus on someone's potential and you start to try to control and manipulate and want them to reach that potential or change or be different, you're not letting them be themselves. And that not only sucks for the other person, nothing that feels good about being on the receiving end of that, don't wear those shoes. You need an umbrella. Why are you doing that? Well, you should train with that. You should lose some weight. Why are you eating gluten? Come on, won't you go to this movie with me?
(37:35):
Why do you have to always do that thing that doesn't feel good, does it? So stop doing it to other people. Let them be themselves and stop and think, are you truly in a relationship with the person as they are? Or are you in a relationship with who you wish they were? And you know that that's true if you're constantly in your mind griping about what you wish they would change instead of letting them be themselves. And if you can catch this that you're always dating the potential that you're always in a friendship that you hope will improve, you'll realize that you're not even present with the person as they are. And when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves, guess what happens? You see who they really are. I can think of a lot of relationships that been in where I spent a lot of time griping about behaviors I didn't like.
(38:41):
And when you distract yourself by griping about the fact that they drink too much or they have a drug problem or they're not as ambitious or you'd like, or you wish they worked out or you can't stand their short hair and you wish they grew it longer or you hate their family or you don't like that thing that they do, or the sex is really bad, you're not really with them. You're so focused on all the things that you don't like and the things that you wish you would change, that you're in a relationship with the things you don't like because that's what you're focused on. And when you distract yourself like that, it keeps you from addressing the reality. And the reality is you're probably not with somebody that you actually want to be with. You've just kept yourself busy griping about what you wish would change and deluding yourself into thinking that it actually might change.
(39:30):
It's not going to. You got to let them be who they are so that you can deal with the reality of who someone is. And when you finally deal with the reality of who someone is, then you can make a great choice about who you really are and what you really need. And there was one thing that I forgot to mention that I think is really, really important and it has to do with relationships. And one way that we try to control other people is through jealousy. And if this is something that you struggle with, you need to let them theory because jealousy, if you're jealous of let's say your partner spending time with their kids from another marriage, if you're jealous of when your boyfriend goes off and plays golf with his friends, if you're jealous of when your girlfriend or your wife is spending more time with the kids and their bonding of over, this is a major problem because jealousy in this regard, this is your attempt to control other people.
(40:37):
Because when you get jealous about your partner spending time with their kids from the first marriage, your jealousy is an attempt to try to get them to stop doing that. And so I want to unpack this because you need the Let Them theory. You need to let people have their friendships and have their time with their kids and have close friendships with people of the same sex. That's important. And it's important to let them do that without you getting triggered. And here's why. Because when you feel jealous and you're trying to control somebody and stop them from hanging out with their girlfriends or whatever the hell it may be, or friends from their former marriage and that really threatens you, the reason why you feel jealous is you're threatened and you're telling yourself that they don't love you as much as those other people or that they're not going to love you if they hang out with those people.
(41:29):
And what's interesting about that is your jealousy and your is an attempt to get more love, but it backfires, doesn't it? Because you're not present to love. When you're jealous, you're actually present to less control and less love. So if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're going to do and bring more love to the situation by letting them do what they're going to do and spend time with their kids and spend time playing golf or spend time on that project that they're working on. You're showing them that you love them as they are. It's an act of love to let people do what makes them feel good. And so A, you're no longer feeling that toxic emotion of jealousy. B, you're giving somebody the most loving gift that you can, which is accepting who they are and supporting what makes 'em happy.
(42:25):
And C, ultimately, if you keep practicing this, you're going to get what you want it all along, which is the feeling of more love in your life because you've let go and you've accepted what is. And when you let go and accept what is, that person's going to love you back more. See how this works? Let them let them. And the final example that I'm going to give you is let people have their emotions. Let them have their opinions. You trying to control what somebody feels and what they say, that is a one-way ticket to the end of a relationship. So I'll give you an example. Let's say that you and your best friend have started to grow apart. Maybe one of you moved away. Maybe one of you are in a really serious relationship and the other one's single. The patterns of your life has started to change, hence, your relationship starts to change. You still care about one another, but you just don't see each other as much. And let's just say that your friend comes to you and says, I feel like you've changed. I feel like I'm not important anymore. I feel like I've always been there for you and you're never there for me anymore because you're so busy with your boyfriend or you're so busy with this, that and the other thing. Let them have those feelings.
(43:44):
You don't need to control what they think. One of the greatest acts of generosity and love that a human being can give to another human being is to just listen to what somebody's story is. To witness somebody's feelings about something and validate it. That's it. That's all you need to do. And when somebody is given the space because you let them share how they're feeling, they're mad at you, they're upset about you, they're frustrated with this, they feel wrong, they feel hurt, they feel this. They feel that something amazing happens. You learn this skill of being able to detach. You learn how to let people be upset and not put your hooks into it. You learn the ability to have feelings rise and fall. It just happened to be this morning, in fact, because I had told our daughter, Kendall, who's home for a couple of weeks, that I would love to do something this morning together.
Mel Robbins (44:49):
And the morning of course came and a lot of stuff happened. And then it was 10 o'clock and she was going to help me go through some things in my closet. And she started to go, we got to get going on this because if we don't get going on this, we're only going to be doing it for 15 minutes. And if we only do it for 15 minutes, I'm going to have a fucking attitude, okay? Because I'm going to feel really pissed off about it. You know what I did? I let her have that frustration. It was so liberating because I realize now that I know the Let Them theory that I was often engaging in this emotional tug of war with people in my life. They'd get upset. I'd try to calm 'em down, then they'd get more upset, then I'd try to be responsible for why they're upset.
(45:35):
Then I'm trying to solve it, then they're doing. And it just becomes this. Nobody's letting anybody do anything. We're arguing over how we feel. It is so fucking stupid. The Let Them Theory allows you to observe people's emotional distress and let them have it and let you off the hook from rescuing them or being responsible for it. It is such a beautiful thing. That's my gift to you today, the Let Them Theory because when you let somebody be free to be who they are in their best and their worst moments, that freedom that you're giving to somebody else, that gift of not controlling you know what happens. You get a gift in return. You get peace and ease back in your life. And the more that people realize that around you, they have the freedom to express themselves and the freedom to show up as themselves, guess what?
(46:36):
The less you're going to need to control people and the more you're going to focus on you. In closing, I want to give you three quick tools that you can use to really apply this to your life. The next time that you feel yourself getting all bent out of shape about something, okay, something big, something small, doesn't matter. You're going to pull out the Let Them theory. And this is how you can coach yourself through it. First of all, you can ask yourself, well, what am I afraid of? What am I afraid of? And in the example I've been giving, which is a really dumb example, the avocado pit. The second you ask yourself, well, what am I afraid of? That my son's in a tux and his dates in a long dress with a train and it's pouring rain cats and dog style outside, and they're at a tiny little burrito taco joint in the middle of time.
(47:19):
What am I afraid of? And then I go, oh, her dress and his tux and the shoes we just did. You'll realize how absurd most of the shit is that you get all frustrated and upset about what are you afraid of when United Airlines is boarding from the back of the plane? Seriously, you afraid you're not going to get your suitcase up on the thing and you paid the money? Please, there are bigger fish to fry. There are also moments where you're going to ask that question. If you have somebody struggling with addiction, well, what am I afraid of? I'm afraid they're going to die. I'm afraid they're going to be out on the street and they're going to die. That is a valid thing to be afraid of. And then you can ask yourself, well, is it true? Are they going to, you don't know.
(48:06):
You really don't. And when you really don't know if it's true or not, I say that you can't hold it over your head as a reason to be so controlling or be so concerned about it. Second thing, always ask yourself, whose business am I in? Am my business or their business? When I'm trying to micromanage my son, I'm in his business. When I am upset with a friend who's upset with me, I'm in my friend's business. When I am feeling wronged because I got sat at the wrong table or I wasn't invited to the such and such, or I didn't win that award that I thought I should win. I'm in somebody else's business because I'm trying to change something related to somebody else. You always want to be in your own business. You always want to be dealing with your feelings and what you can do about it.
(49:06):
And I got one more example about this. I recently went away with a bunch of women that I've become friends with, and we met inside of a much larger kind of group of people. And I found out after the fact that there was somebody who had been telling other people that they were really bummed and hurt, that they weren't included. And for a minute I felt bad. But I used the let them theory, let them be hurt. Let them be bummed that they weren't invited. It's not my responsibility and it's not your responsibility to make sure everybody's feelings are okay. It's my responsibility to take care of myself. And having been on the other side of that story where for years I was so busy working that I let my female friendships just go, I was always working, always working. And then when I got home, I was so tired.
(50:02):
I would constantly feel hurt that I wasn't included in things. I was constantly feeling fomo that people were out at parties or out to dinner or getting together with their kids and we weren't included. When I feel like that I'm in their business, the harder thing when you just let people get together and not invite you, let people do what they're going to do and not include you, the harder thing is to get back into your business, which is if this bothers you so much, what are you going to do about it, Mel? Because what I realized for myself is that, of course, nobody invites me anywhere. You want to know why I'm not prioritizing my friendships? I haven't thrown a party in a long time. I haven't planned a women's weekend in five years. If I really want more of this in my life, it's not up to me to control other people, to make them invite me.
(50:51):
It's up to me to be responsible for creating these experiences. That means I'm now focused on my business, not on trying to control other people's business. And third, the other thing that you can do is you can ask yourself what feels more like peace does? Trying to get the kids not to go to the taco place feel like peace. Nope. Feels like control. So let's let them do that. Does bitching about the fact that you weren't invited somewhere feel like peace? Nope. So we're going to let them do that. Does trying to force your husband to go to the gym with you feel like, Nope. We're going to let them not go. Always move toward peace. When you feel yourself getting all ramped up with the emotions and the gripping and the control and the opinions, hands off, drop the oars, let them do what they're going to do, and you focus on what you're going to do.
(51:51):
Because what you're going to do is you're going to stop the control. You're going to stop the rumination, and you, my friend, are going to just drift back down with the current and feel that emotional peace that washes over you. Let them. I can't wait to hear how you use the Let Them theory. You know what? My dog's barking. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to let 'em. That's right. Not going to grip. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to let the dogs bark. And I'm also going to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a life that you love. And every single day I'm becoming more and more and more convinced that there is so much power and learning how to let go in prioritizing emotional peace over control. And I really hope that this let them theory is as powerful in your life as it is in mine. Alrighty, I love you. I'm going to let you go do whatever you're going to go do, and I'll talk to you in a few days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
(53:37):
Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Resources
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- Read this book to learn about overfunctioning anxiety with Dr. Harriet Lerner.
- Dr. Amy Johnson explains what emotional well-being looks like in this article.
- National Library of Medicine: How expectations impact our emotional health.
- UC Berkeley: Manage your expectations to manage happiness.
- Psych Central: Here’s why you feel the need to control everything.
- American Psychological Association: 10 tips for dealing with uncertainty.
- Psychology Today: The line between supporting and rescuing kids.
- TODAY: Why friendships end and how to cope.
- Learn how to deal with your anxiety. Watch “Anxiety Toolkit,” with Dr. Kennedy.
- Frontiers: The evolutionary psychology of envy and jealousy.
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