Episode: 45
Before You Waste Another Year of Your Life, Get Serious About Healing Your Past
with Lewis Howes
Learn how to face the things that you’re scared to admit, because they are holding you back.
You’ll discover that the first step is facing your fears, confronting your past, and acknowledging the truths you’ve been scared to admit.
It’s not easy, but it’s transformational.
By embracing this process, you’ll unlock the strength, clarity, and freedom you need to create a life you love.
*This conversation is “unguarded” and covers sensitive topics (particularly perhaps for the men in your life). So if this isn’t for you right now – please skip this episode.
Listen on:
You are loved, you're worthy, and you matter. If we understood that and embodied it and truly believed it, then life is just a much better place.Lewis Howes
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:03):
When I sit here and think about what you're about to experience, I can honestly tell you this is one of the deepest conversations I've ever had with someone that I recorded. And so I'm glad that my guest today agreed to let me share this conversation with you. It's unlike anything you may have heard before, particularly heard a man talking about. The episode today is about learning how to heal, how to be less reactive, calmer, clearer, more confident, and how happiness and that power inside of you will flow back into your life when you do that kind of work.
(00:00:42):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a very profound episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. Welcome. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the world's leading experts on change, motivation and habits, and I am really proud to share this conversation with you today. When I sit here and think about what you're about to experience, I can honestly tell you this is one of the deepest conversations I've ever had with someone that I recorded. And so I'm glad that my guest today agreed to let me share this conversation with you because I want you to experience this. I want you to be a part of this conversation. So many of you write to me from around the world every single day about how you feel discouraged because you're starting to realize that you deserve more, and that means that there's work to do.
(00:01:35):
There's work that you need to do in order to face and heal your past, to create better habits and to experience more happiness and love in your life. Well, my guest today, he has put his head down for the past couple years and he has done the work in his own life. Ultimately, the episode today is about learning how to heal, how to be less reactive, calmer, clearer, more confident, and how happiness and that power inside of you will flow back into your life when you do that kind of work. And this is not a downer of a conversation. Just because it's profound doesn't mean it's not going to be super empowering and inspiring and entertaining because I am talking to someone today who has impacted the lives of hundreds of millions of people, none other, the New York Times bestselling author, Lewis Howes. You may know Lewis because he is the host of the award-winning podcast, the School of Greatness, which just celebrated its 10 year anniversary with over 500 million downloads.
(00:02:41):
That's pretty incredible. And I've had the privilege of being interviewed by Lewis on the School of Greatness podcast four different times, and I'm absolutely thrilled that today we turned the table and Louis is the one that's in the hot seat, and we're going to dig into Louis' healing journey. And we're also going to cover his latest book, the Greatness Mindset, which is a playbook based on what he's learned after 10 years of interviewing the brightest minds and biggest brains in sports, business and entertainment. Now, I do want to give you just a little bit of a warning, even though the research says trigger warnings do not work because a trigger warning peaks your curiosity. But I do want to tell you right upfront, we get into it right away and there is a lot of intimate and deeply personal topics that we cover. So if you're someone who's in a very sensitive place in your life today, maybe you bookmark this and you come back to it when you got your sweats on and a mug of tea. And if you've got little ones running around, please be mindful of the little ears when Lewis starts telling some of the stories about what he's been up to and about some of the things that he's experienced. Because what Lewis shares about his own past and about men and trauma in particular, it's unlike anything you may have heard before, particularly heard a man talking about. Now I can't wait for this conversation. So let's go. Oh, Lewis, I am so excited you're here.
Lewis Howes (00:04:16):
Thank you for having me.
Mel Robbins (00:04:17):
Of course, it's about time since you've had me on your podcast four times, I've been dying to interview you.
Lewis Howes (00:04:23):
I'm so grateful. Thank you very much.
Mel Robbins (00:04:25):
What do you want to get out of this interview? Because you have
Lewis Howes (00:04:27):
Whoever's listening, I want them to be inspired and impact and in a positive way to take action in whatever it's in their life that they need support with. And so that's my intention. Support the people. The people listen. They love you more. That's what I want out of this. Wait, say
Mel Robbins (00:04:45):
That again.
Lewis Howes (00:04:45):
The people that listen to this, they love you more.
Mel Robbins (00:04:47):
Me?
Lewis Howes (00:04:48):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (00:04:48):
That's your intention.
Lewis Howes (00:04:50):
Yes. Because then it means you did a great job of getting a lot out of this interview for them. So they're going to love you more and want to share about you more. That's my intention.
Mel Robbins (00:05:01):
Damn it. Lewis, that was a mic drop moment and I haven't even asked you. So first of all, I got to give everybody a takeaway. Did you hear that? We're talking about everything, your life story, so much wisdom that you have to give to the world, and I want to make sure everybody just picked up on something that he walked in here, not to shine a light on his book and how it would help you, but to actually shine the light back on me and to have me be successful.
Lewis Howes (00:05:38):
That's kind of what I've been doing for 10 years with my show is just putting the spotlight on others. And I've found that when I'm shining in another people, it reflects back in positive ways. Sometimes it's unexpected, but just for your show specifically, I think it's amazing how you've launched this show and it's served so many people. So that's why when you asked me what I want out of this, I was like, well, if you do a great job in making great content in this episode, then people are going to love you more and they're going to want to share more and help you build your show bigger. So that's my intention.
Mel Robbins (00:06:10):
Awesome. Okay. Well, my intention, my intention, I always have a very specific intention with every show, was to shine the brightest light I possibly could on you because you have spent so much of your success and time and energy lifting other people up. And you remind me in many ways of somebody I love more than anybody else in the world. And that's my husband Chris. And one of the things that I love about you is you're this big, masculine, super successful professional athlete. Dude, you are also becoming a professional tango dancer.
Lewis Howes (00:06:53):
Salsa. Yeah, yeah,
Mel Robbins (00:06:53):
Salsa. Okay, tango salsa. I knew it was ended in a vow.
Lewis Howes (00:06:57):
Latin dancer,
Mel Robbins (00:06:58):
Latin dancing, his hips don't lie people. And yet there's this incredible quiet softness, strength and vulnerability to you, and you often say a lot without saying much.
Lewis Howes (00:07:16):
Thanks. Appreciate it.
Mel Robbins (00:07:17):
Do you see that guys? He's just staring at me right now with his piercing eyes. Like I am saying a lot at you, Mel.
Lewis Howes (00:07:24):
I think it's interesting that you say that because I didn't feel like I had a lot to say when I was growing up because I felt very insecure in school. So I was always in the bottom of my grade all the way through middle school, high school. And then it took me seven years to finish college and graduate. And I always had a tutor every semester. And in middle school, high school, I would be in the special needs classes and a lot of times during recess I would have to do extra tutoring. So when other kids were playing or having fun or I'd have to do a short lunch break and then go right into reading class because in eighth grade I had a second grade reading level, so I just wait,
Mel Robbins (00:07:59):
Hold on. In eighth grade,
Lewis Howes (00:08:00):
Eighth grade, they started testing me with everything. I went to a new school and they essentially told my parents, we have to either hold him back or we need to get him tutors to get him caught up because he has a second grade reading level. So it was just very challenging for me to read a page of any book and comprehend it. It would take a long time to read it and then by the time I'd finish it, it was almost like it was so long that I don't remember what I was reading, that I'd have to go back and read the page over and over again. So I would get through a couple pages in what would seem like 30 to 45 minutes and kind of give up my attention span would be short, then I would just be tired and I don't have the focus. That's why I started using my energy in sports. And when I asked to speak aloud in class, specifically in high school, I just felt insecure. I knew I wasn't the smartest. I knew I was always in the bottom of my class. They used to rank us on our grade cards, so I would always be in the bottom four. And a lot of times I cheated my way through quizzes and tests and homework to just pass to stay, not in the bottom one.
(00:09:09):
And so we would get the grade cards, I dunno, every semester or whenever it was, every quarter. And I'd always see in the bottom four all through high school.
Lewis Howes (00:09:16):
So I just felt very unsure of myself academically. And so when they would ask to speak aloud, I just would always try to skip or go to the restroom and I know that it was going to come to me. I'd try to get out of actually speaking in front of people. I always thought people were making fun of me or laughing at me, and maybe they were sometimes or they weren't. But that was also my interpretation of not believing in myself academically.
(00:09:41):
And so when I got into the business world and life of just being out there after sports, I didn't have the confidence to speak in front of people what I thought. And so I just said, I'm going to ask people questions. So that was in my twenties. I would be in rooms of networking events and I started going to trade shows and conferences from my 25 to 30. And I was traveling around the country going to all these big industry events to learn and network and meet people. And so often people would say, you're the most interesting guy here. And I never said anything except for asked questions and would follow up. And I think when you really are interested in other people, you become more interested. And so I kind of took that and ran with it for the last 10 years of my own show. I was just like, I'm going to try to be as interested in others and good things come back.
Mel Robbins (00:10:36):
Well, they certainly have.
Lewis Howes (00:10:37):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:10:38):
I mean when you talk about a hundred million views every month on your YouTube channel, which is impacting and empowering people around the world or the 11 million plus people that follow you online, the 500 million downloads, I'd say that's not bad for the bottom four of your middle school.
Mel Robbins (00:10:58):
And it's one of the reasons why I love your story because it's not like you were this heavy hitter in business, sold your company, and now you're going to go out and tell everybody the secrets. You had to figure out what greatness meant for you, and you had to figure out how to be successful in a world that was telling you that you weren't. And I want to go back to really where your newest, I'm sure New York Times bestseller starts the greatness mindset and it starts on the couch. And in order to bring as many people as possible into the tent in this conversation that we're going to have, would you just put us at the scene of Lewis on the couch, what your life looked like, how old you were, what the hell was going on?
Lewis Howes (00:11:49):
This was September, 2007. I just had surgery on my wrist so you can kind of see the scar here still. And they took a bone out of my hip, put it into my wrist. So I was in a cast from my shoulder to my fingers. I couldn't use my thumb. It was kind of locked in this position for
Mel Robbins (00:12:05):
Six, locked in a cactus position in the cactus,
Lewis Howes (00:12:08):
The movie Rookie of the year, this baseball kid player who has a broken arm and then gets the cast off and it's super strength. It was kind of in this position, like an L shape like this. I can move it
Mel Robbins (00:12:20):
Down. Can I ask you a question?
Lewis Howes (00:12:21):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:12:21):
So when you have your hand locked in, a cast in a cactus arm position, your, are they numb all day, your fingers?
Lewis Howes (00:12:29):
I can move it down, I can move it here and
Mel Robbins (00:12:32):
Here,
Lewis Howes (00:12:32):
But I couldn't straighten my arm. And so there was this kind of big bulky thing here, and it also just smells really bad. I dunno if you've ever, it's
Mel Robbins (00:12:39):
Lifting your armpit up. I didn't even think
Lewis Howes (00:12:40):
About that. It just smells really bad and it just gets dirty under there and you're sweaty and it's just not nice. And so during that time, it's the end of August. So September, November, December, I'm on my sister's couch right before Christmas, 2007 going into 2008. And I'm in denial at this time because thinking my body's going to heal. I'm going to go back and play football. This thing's going to come off.
Mel Robbins (00:13:06):
So you've graduated from college?
Lewis Howes (00:13:08):
I hadn't graduated yet. I left to go play arena football. I tried to make the NFL didn't make it. So I played an arena football for a season to try to get more practice than go to the NFL.
(00:13:20):
In my rookie season, I get injured, I dive for a football into the wall. It's indoor football, so imagine a hockey rink football, that's what it was. So I dove, I snapped my wrist in the wall. That was the second game of the season. So 14 more games. I played with a broken wrist. I taped it up every game. I was like, I don't want to stop and get surgery now. I want to play. I don't want to wait a whole nother year to get game film to try to make my dreams come true in the NFL.
(00:13:48):
So I just played through the pain and at the end the surgeon was like, you probably should have done this before because every catch, every block, it was just grinding the bone and disintegrating the bone in my wrist as a bunch of little bones in the wrist. One of 'em was just kind of disintegrating. And so that's why he said, we have to take a bone out of your hip. And I didn't know it would be almost more painful from the hip because there's no easy way to sliver a little piece of bone out of a body. They take a sledgehammer and they just go away on your hip.
(00:14:20):
So my whole body was black and blue from my arm put down to my knees on the side, 20 staples. I couldn't walk, just kind of bent over for six weeks. That hurt more than the wrist surgery. So that was a period of just healing and recovery physically before the Christmas time happened in 2008. Now I got my family. How
Mel Robbins (00:14:40):
Old were you?
Lewis Howes (00:14:41):
I was probably 23 at that time, I think going into 24 in that march coming up. And so this time I'm in the denial phase. I'm like, I'm going to heal. I'm going to be fine. My ego is so big that I feel like I'm a superhuman. So I'm like, nothing can hurt me mentality. Whatever. I can take the pain, let's tape it up and put me back out
Mel Robbins (00:15:04):
There. Wait, is that not the greatness mindset? Not nothing can hurt me. I can take the pain.
Lewis Howes (00:15:07):
No, that's not it.
Mel Robbins (00:15:08):
Now you got me, I'm hooked. I want to know what this
Lewis Howes (00:15:11):
Is. That's the ego mindset, which gets certain results, but leaves you feeling very alone inside in a lot of ways. So I'm in denial. And then every six weeks I do a checkup with a doctor thinking they're going to take this off. I'm going to be fine. And they keep saying another six weeks, another six weeks, another six weeks. It's supposed to be three months, turns into six months with a cast on. So I'm not able to straighten my arm for six months. So by the time I actually get it off, I can't straighten my arm, the tendons, the muscle. It won't straighten all the way without a lot of pain in my elbow. So it takes about a year and a half just to rehab my arm to be able to straighten this, let alone learn how to use my wrist and function fully. So I went through a phase of sadness, denial, depression, I don't know, but depression. But I was just extreme sadness of, okay, this identity that I had, I may not be able to do again. And it was kind of dwindling. Every day I would try to strengthen my arm and realize I don't have the strength anymore. So when I originally thought I am
Mel Robbins (00:16:17):
Got to be a professional athlete,
Lewis Howes (00:16:18):
Yeah, I'm like, nothing can hurt me. I realized quickly, oh, things can hurt me and they can take away from my dreams in certain areas.
(00:16:28):
So it was a period of, and right before this, my dad gets in an accident where he has a traumatic brain injury from a car accident. A car comes on top of his car on the road, goes through the windshield and the bumper hits him in his head and splits his head open. They have to airlift him out of the car, they have to cut the car open, airlift him. He's in a coma for three months. This happens a year before I get injured. For me, my dad had woken up after months in a coma in a hospital. He was physically alive but emotionally dead. So he wasn't able to really communicate. He just passed last year after 17 years. But it was,
Mel Robbins (00:17:12):
You mean 17
Lewis Howes (00:17:13):
Years
Mel Robbins (00:17:13):
After the accident?
Lewis Howes (00:17:14):
After 17 years after the accident. He just passed last year, but it was like, it's like he was gone.
Mel Robbins (00:17:22):
How did that
Lewis Howes (00:17:23):
Impact you? He was physically there, but he wasn't my dad anymore. He was my dad. But I couldn't have a conversation with him because I mean, you could speak to him, but I'd see him and he'd say, what's your name again? What sport did you used to play? Where'd you go to school again? That was the conversation. Every time I'd visit my dad and he was at every football game. He was my biggest fan, and he loved to see me succeed. In some ways, if that didn't happen, if he didn't go through that near death experience, I would not be where I'm at because I always had a backup plan with him. He had an insurance business that he was thriving in after 30 years, he struggled to get to a certain level and finally started to make money. Then he had this accident and he was always like, you can go chase your dream and if you ever want to come work with me, you can come work with me and you can take over the business one day if you want to and I'll train you up. So it was kind of always like a backup plan. He had to sell his business right after this accident. Within the year he wasn't able to work anymore. He wasn't able to really function in that way anymore.
(00:18:34):
And in a sense, that was the greatest thing that happened to me, essentially losing my dad emotionally losing the backup plan. I never thought I would ever make money on my own or be an entrepreneur or do anything that I'm doing. But that was a catalyst along with my accident, my injury into saying, okay, I want to make something of myself and try this. So I'm on my sister's couch for a year and a half
Lewis Howes (00:18:58):
In this phase of sadness about my dad, sadness, about my identity, my injury. It's also 2008, it kind of felt like 2020 with the economic crisis. And so I don't have a college degree yet. I'm trying to figure out how to get my degree and finish it while I get a job, but no one's hiring people without degrees at that time. So it was just kind of like, what am I doing in this world? Why are these things happening? One of those phases.
Mel Robbins (00:19:24):
Yeah, and I think I just want to say that there's a lot of times in life where things happen and you can feel like that whether your marriage didn't work out and you never expected to be divorced, or you go all in on a business and it goes bankrupt, or you end up struggling with an addiction after surgery and painkillers. And so I think this moment is really important for us to unpack. And so I want to have you read a part of your book.
Lewis Howes (00:20:00):
Okay,
Mel Robbins (00:20:00):
So that highlighted section, I'd love for you to read because it takes us right back to the moment of what you were feeling when you were on that couch. And I want you to read it because it's so easy, Louis, for everybody to see how unbelievably successful you are and not realize that you started in the exact same place that so many people listening are in right now.
Lewis Howes (00:20:26):
I felt like all I could do during those dark days was flip through tv, reruns and infomercials with the remote as I felt my chance at greatness, not just slipping away, but sprinting as fast as it could go. I didn't know what to think, how to feel or how to process my own emotions. And on top of that, I hadn't even finished college at the time. I was financially, physically, emotionally, and broken. I wondered what to do next. And from my perspective, I was now very much alone, but I knew this couldn't be how the story of my life went. I knew there had to be more to my story. There had to be greatness inside of me, but I didn't know where or how to get started yet deep down, I knew I would eventually figure it all out.
Mel Robbins (00:21:11):
So obviously your book is a roadmap to that, but can you just talk to somebody who's like, yeah, how do you tap into that knowing that you are meant for greatness, especially when the shit has hit the fan and your life feels like a disaster. What would you say to somebody that's listening right now that just feels as lost as Louis circa 2008 was?
Lewis Howes (00:21:47):
I am very grateful that I had a voice inside of me that was keeping me going. And a lot of times when I was in elementary school, I used to say, I wish I was dead a lot. I would get in trouble, get sent to the principal's office, and I would say, I wish I was dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. And I dunno if any can relate to that feeling. I never felt suicidal. I actually was going to do it. But I remember saying essentially, why am I here? Am I enough? Am I lovable? Will I ever matter? That was a thing that was just a constant theme inside of me, but there was a voice that it was also just keep going. It was like, you got this. Just keep going. So I'm really grateful that I was able to hear that voice, even though I was so distracted and the loudness of insecurity was crippling my mind, it was so loud
Lewis Howes (00:22:38):
And so overwhelming that it felt like I was drowning emotionally. And so if someone feels that way now, what I would say is two things. Number one, hold onto whatever voice that says, even if it's a second a day that's like keep going. Hold onto that voice. That is the thing that has allowed me to overcome so much. And I wish I would've learned sooner what I talk about in the book, which is allowing myself to heal all the memories and pain from the past.
(00:23:09):
And it really wasn't until I started that process 10 years ago of healing past memories where things started to unlock, where I started to feel free internally and then externally, the things that I was accumulating or creating or developing was more meaningful. Because before 30, I was successful. I was accomplishing, accumulating, attracting, but it didn't feel enough because I didn't feel enough. I didn't feel like I was worthy of receiving. I didn't feel like I was deserving of love because I didn't accept me. And it really wasn't until the last two years when I went even deeper into healing that I was like, I'm going to go back into every painful memory of my past and create a new meaning from those memories. And I'm going to create a loving relationship with any shame or guilt or insecurity that I once had and just have a new relationship with it.
(00:24:08):
It doesn't mean it wasn't painful, it doesn't mean I wish things didn't happen. It doesn't mean I didn't do things I'm ashamed of, but creating a new relationship with it so it doesn't hurt me today. And those two things of listening to the voice inside of me telling me to keep going and being on a journey of healing has given me such a sense of emotional freedom and peace that I never felt in my life. And it allows me to not abandon myself anymore. And I think for many years I would abandon myself to fit in, to belong, to be accepted. And the more I would do that I would feel shameful because I was doing things that I knew weren't in alignment with who I was or my highest self was. And so once I started to heal, I could stop abandoning myself, create barriers or boundaries in my emotions or in my life
(00:25:03):
So that I could stay in peace and be okay with disturbing things around me by standing my ground in certain situations. And that has been the biggest gift I've given myself. It has allowed me, someone was asking me on the phone when I was driving here, it was like, how did this book come about? I go, I had the idea for it for years, but I didn't have inner peace. I didn't have the energy to create it. And once I got clear on my inner peace, this just came out and I'm already just creating so much. I have clarity. And it wasn't until I was able to get full clarity and ownership of accepting who I am, where I was able to start doing these things authentically. So it's been a journey.
Mel Robbins (00:25:46):
So there is so much to unpack in what you just said, and I'm so happy you went deep in the beginning because it's been a journey from being the 23-year-old lost former professional football person to really realizing that chasing success got you so far, but you had to fix what felt broken on the inside.
Lewis Howes (00:26:15):
And as growing up, I wanted success. The thought of success was the answer. And that was maybe, I dunno why that came about, but it was always about how to be successful. And I achieved success on my terms, but I didn't feel fulfilled
(00:26:33):
And I didn't feel like it was enough. So then I would have to achieve more and more and more to fill something up where I didn't feel enough. And I think there's a difference between success and greatness. Where is more selfish about me and greatness is about we. It's going after your goals and dreams, but making it about impacting others in the process and them being celebrated and them accomplishing as well or improving as well. And it's much more rewarding that way. So I feel like I want to create more, but I'm also happy with where I'm at. And it's a sense of peace. It's like, yes, I'm always going to be striving for more, at least in this season of life, maybe when
Lewis Howes (00:27:11):
I'm 90, I'm just like, okay, I don't want more, I want less. And that'll be a different season. But for now, I want more. And I'm also just peaceful with where I am because I accept who I am and I didn't know that that was the game. Accepting yourself, it's accepting, but also saying you still get to improve, you still get to grow. You still get to transform, but also accepting and loving where you're at.
Mel Robbins (00:27:35):
Okay, so let me unpack this a little bit because I think there's so much wisdom that you just drop like boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And I also want to say something if you're sitting here going, but hold on a second, I don't even know how we went from 23-year-old broke on the sister's couch, lost for a year and a half dad having this to now all of a sudden this crazy successful business and podcast and millions of, how did he do that? And wait a minute, Lewis house, are you telling me this inner piece bullshit? I need to pay my bills. Don't be talking to me about that. And so I want to say a couple things. Yes, we will get to the story of how he went from the couch to building what he built, but there's something much bigger in terms of the masterclass that is being offered to you in this moment where Lewis is going to save you the almost 13 years, was it? How long was it? Two decades or whatever of pain that he put himself through to get to the wisdom and the greatness that he has unlocked in himself. Because known Louis for five years, he is a different human being, a different human being than even just a year ago. And I think that it is possible, and Louis will tell you this, to be a competitive motherfucker and to compete at the highest levels, which he does.
Lewis Howes (00:28:56):
Yeah, I still like to win.
Mel Robbins (00:28:58):
Hell yes,
Lewis Howes (00:28:59):
But it's a different type of win
Mel Robbins (00:29:01):
And to be a calm, cool, and confident person because you have peace with yourself as you are doing those things.
Lewis Howes (00:29:12):
And even just to comment on what you said about paying bills, I don't think you can have financial peace unless you have inner peace because there's so many people that you know that have lots of money who are overly stressed and more money doesn't always solve every problem. It solve lots of problems, but it doesn't always solve the problem of accepting and loving
Mel Robbins (00:29:32):
Yourself. That's true. And I'm going to add something to that because both Louis and I have been in moments of our life, and ironically was during 2007 and 2008, where neither one of us were able to buy groceries. We did not have any savings, we did not have any income. We were relying on other people to help us get through. The stress that you feel when you cannot pay for your basic needs is a toxic level of stress that can consume you. But what I also want you to consider is the added stress and shame and mental beat down that you add on top of that reality doesn't help you pay your bills either a hundred
Lewis Howes (00:30:15):
Percent.
Mel Robbins (00:30:15):
And so whether you are at a point where you've been wildly successful, but you're deeply unhappy, or you're at a point where you're having trouble paying your bills, cultivating a sense of peace inside yourself and assuredness that you can rely on yourself a steadiness so that the world around you does not trip you up emotionally, that that is a superpower. That's part of this greatness mindset that you're talking about. And Louis has been on this profound healing journey, and so I want to go there.
Lewis Howes (00:30:51):
Yeah, the game is healing.
Mel Robbins (00:30:52):
The game is healing. The
Lewis Howes (00:30:53):
Game is healing in order to create anything. In my mind,
Mel Robbins (00:30:58):
What does feeling even mean? Louis,
Lewis Howes (00:31:02):
I used to feel a lot of pain in my chest or tightness in my throat or disturbance in my stomach. I used to feel like I couldn't sleep at night because I was up for an hour and a half like ruminating or thinking and stressed. I used to be very reactive when my nervous system was triggered.
(00:31:22):
I feel like that's the opposite of healing. Healing is learning how to overcome all those things. So your nervous system is in peace when there's chaos around you. It doesn't mean I'm not going to feel triggered momentarily or feel like, oh, I don't like that, or react to a thing or feel disturbed. But it's learning how to recognize it much faster and from a place of integrating healing and lessons, be able to respond differently when there's a disturbance as opposed to based on a wound. So most of my life I was just reacting, responding based on wounds that I was unaware of, or maybe I was aware of them, but I was just like, this is who I am. Don't mess with me. Oh,
Mel Robbins (00:32:01):
How many of us have heard that?
Lewis Howes (00:32:02):
Yeah, don't try to change me. Don't mess with me. This is who I am. I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. This reaction.
Mel Robbins (00:32:11):
Can you give people a sense that, dunno, you've wrote about this extensively in your New York Times bestseller, the Mask of Masculinity, and you talk about this on your podcast, but can you give people a sense of some of the things that needed healing? So I'm going to just point out one of 'em. So being in a classroom where you cannot do cognitively because of a learning difference, you and I both have dyslexia. Yours seems to be probably more profound than mine.
Mel Robbins (00:32:28):
So being in a classroom where you cannot do cognitively because of a learning difference, you and I both have dyslexia. Yours seems to be probably more profound than mine.
Lewis Howes (00:32:42):
Even reading my own words, I trip up sometimes because I still have to practice reading slowly with a cadence.
Mel Robbins (00:32:49):
So what was that like for me to pass the book to you?
Lewis Howes (00:32:52):
I was even going to say it. I was like, this is like I get to practice my insecurities all the time. I have to read on a teleprompter all the time, and I'm always just take a deep breath and I just know that I'm not going to be the best reader in the world, and that's okay. And so I just say, you know what? I accept myself when I stutter. I accept myself when I stumble. I accept myself when I have to redo a sentence over and over again because I wasn't able to see what's coming next and it just didn't sound right. It probably takes me twice as long to read my audiobook as you do, but I used to hate myself for that and beat myself up. And now I accept and love myself. And when I do that, I notice I read a lot better and I flow a lot better. And it's not perfect or anything, but I'm like, I save a lot more time. I'm more relaxed. And as opposed to, I used to beat myself up and be the biggest critic now I'm just a positive self coach. In those moments I'm just like, oh, you got this. It's okay. You'll do it. Can
Mel Robbins (00:33:50):
We unpack that for a minute? I think it's a really relatable example. So every one of us has something that we're about or that we beat ourselves up about, whether it's our weight or something about our skin or our hair or our height. Or for you, you mentioned stuttering and stumbling and reading out loud or being slower at something, and you so beautifully talked about how you used to just beat the hell out of yourself. You hated that about yourself. How did you Louis learn to accept something you hated? How do you fucking do that?
Lewis Howes (00:34:28):
There's many different modalities of
Mel Robbins (00:34:30):
What worked for you
Lewis Howes (00:34:31):
Of healing, and I feel like over the last 10 years, I was telling your husband Chris about this. He was asking me about all these different things and I was like, I feel like I've tried lots of different stuff because I got a lot of work to do. So I'm willing to dive in and take a look in the mirror and say, tell me what to do and I'll try it. And I did workshops, emotional intelligence leadership training workshops 10 years ago that helped me unlock and open up about sexual trauma.
(00:34:57):
That was kind of stage one. It was one of my biggest shames that I didn't want to talk about, I didn't want anyone to know about because if anyone knew that I've been sexually abused, I thought no one would ever love me. So it was a huge protection that I was a shield that I was putting up on myself to show people that I was strong, to show people that I was confident, to show people that no one could mess with me in sports or whatever it might be. And that supported me in accomplishing certain results, but hurt me and feeling loved and harmony and alignment within myself. And so it was exhausting. It's draining. It's an emotional train wreck because you're kind of living a double life inside the truth outside. Others don't know the truth about you, so you're hiding something.
Mel Robbins (00:35:49):
And I want to point something out about this because we've been doing a whole series on trauma and nervous system repair. And you talked earlier about how your lived experience, even though you were super successful on the outside, is not in the stomach, tightness in the chest, something in the throat. You don't even have to be conscious about the fact that you're hiding this thing. It's not like you're walking around thinking about the fact that you were a victim of sexual abuse. It's that it's stored in your body. So your body operates in a state all the time as if something bad's about to happen.
Lewis Howes (00:36:24):
I wasn't even aware that I wasn't telling people, I was just trying to block it and cover it up constantly, but It was always in my mind, maybe every few days the memory would come up in some way. It was just a movie that was repeating on repeat. And
Lewis Howes (00:37:20):
When I did this first workshop, a lot of things started to happen in my life where I was having breakdowns, intimate relationship, business, partnership, just life. I just felt like, man, stuff is breaking down all around me, although I'm successful. Why are all these things breaking down? I'm the common denominator. A friend of mine was like, I actually got in a fight on a basketball court. This was kind of the tipping point where I was the perfect storm. And a friend of mine who was there was like, I don't want to hang out with you anymore if you're going to keep reacting in this way, because I was the same fun loving guy. But when I would get triggered, I was like, this reaction would come out of
Mel Robbins (00:37:17):
Me. You'd get super physical, a linebacker kind of
Lewis Howes (00:37:20):
Thing. I would just try to defend myself energetically. But if someone was physically trying to attack me, which in a basketball game is kind of a,
Mel Robbins (00:37:29):
Isn't that part of the game,
Lewis Howes (00:37:31):
But I would take it so personally. So when there was a cheap elbow, I'd be like, turn around and be like, let's go, let's fight. So I didn't have the filter. I felt like someone was always trying to abuse me or take advantage
Mel Robbins (00:37:42):
They had.
Lewis Howes (00:37:42):
Exactly. And so this was kind of the last thing that happened. I got in this fight and my friend was like, Hey, I don't want to hang out with you. I don't want to play basketball anymore with you if you're going to react like this. And it was a tendency that was happening for many months more and more until this fist fight came up. Fist
Mel Robbins (00:37:57):
Fight,
Lewis Howes (00:37:58):
Fist fight
Mel Robbins (00:37:58):
On a basketball court,
Lewis Howes (00:37:59):
On a pickup basketball court. Yeah. There was no stakes on the line. It was just a friendly game in the mean streets of Beverly Hills. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:38:08):
How old were you?
Lewis Howes (00:38:09):
I was 10 years ago. Yeah, it was
Mel Robbins (00:38:11):
So how old are you now?
Lewis Howes (00:38:12):
I'm 39.
Mel Robbins (00:38:13):
So when you're 29 years old,
Lewis Howes (00:38:15):
And I remember there was a police station right across the street. It was in West Hollywood. It was 10 minutes away from here. And I remember going home after this, well, I remember seeing the guy's face when it was done and being really scared of what I had done,
Mel Robbins (00:38:32):
Meaning his
Lewis Howes (00:38:33):
Face didn't look good. I'll just say that. And I always had this rule that I'll never hit someone unless they hit me first. That was kind of like my thing, but I'll freaking get in someone's face, I'll talk trash, whatever. But I was like, I'll never hit someone unless they hit me first. He ended up headbutting me. We were kind of in each other's faces and he headbutts me, and then I kind of just go blank and I turn into the incredible Hulk
(00:38:58):
In that moment, this guy hit me, there's no rules. And afterwards I had so much adrenaline, I don't think I'd gotten in an actual fight since I was like 13. So I played football to get my aggression out, but I no longer was able to hit people legally. And so this was a point where this happened, and I remember going home and looking at myself in the mirror and being like, who are you? I did not recognize myself. And I was really kind of shaking. I was like, what am I doing? Who am I? Why are you reacting? I always started to ask myself this question, and I remember thinking, I have too much to lose now to allow my anger, my fears, my wounds to be in control.
(00:39:48):
Because I had built a business and I was like, what if someone, I don't know, what if someone had a knife or a gun or whatever, or I injured myself in a worse way or I hurt someone else. What if something really bad happened? He was ending up fine. We were fine. But I remember thinking, oh, okay, this could really get out of control. And this was nothing. This was a little incident and I was so reactive. So that's what got me down the path of saying, lemme take a look in the mirror. I asked some friends for some suggestions on what I could do. I went to some workshops. The first workshop I went to got me to a vulnerable enough state to talk about sexual abuse for the first time. Out loud, out loud. First time I spoke the words,
Mel Robbins (00:40:27):
What was that?
Lewis Howes (00:40:30):
The most terrifying moment of my life, to be honest, because I never thought that this had happened to any other man. So you have to imagine if you think that what has happened to you has never happened to anyone else than you think you are wrong, broken, and the worst human being alive.
(00:40:49):
Now, that was my interpretation. I got to a place during this workshop where it was a five day experience and a lot of people were going through about, it's a leadership workshop, but we have to go into our past and mend things to get clear on what we want for the future and then move towards the future. So it's kind of like a process, a journey of your personal life to help you have more tools of leadership.
(00:41:15):
And at one point during this workshop, people were open up about different stuff. It was a vulnerable state at this time, but it was after the third day. The trainer goes, okay, we've gone into these different past experiences, parents and this and that, and breakups. We're not about the past anymore. We're moving on. We're going into what you want to create for the future. We're done, we're moving forward. But if there's anything you haven't shared, now is the time. If anything you haven't shared from the past, now is the time or we're moving on and you're going to miss your moment. For whatever reason, that voice came back out and was like, okay. And during this time I started to address all these different things from my childhood. My parents, they probably have never been married in the first place, but they went through a divorce eventually and just kind of the fear of their arguments and fights. As a young child, that was stressful. My brother went to prison when I was eight for four and a half years. So I didn't have friends for four and a half years because in a small town, the moms wouldn't let their kids hang out with me. So that was just a lonely time, and it was traumatic to go to a prison,
Mel Robbins (00:42:26):
Of course
Lewis Howes (00:42:26):
Every weekend and watch your brother in a room full of convicts in their families. It was a traumatic experience for the whole family being picked on in school and special needs classes and all these different things, breakups, heartbreak. I was like, okay, I've already addressed this stuff. I feel fine here, but what about this thing that I've been thinking about almost every day for 25 years and whatever inside of me just said, you have to stand up. And I remember just standing up and getting out of my seat and walking to the front of the room and there's probably, I don't know, 30, 40 people in the room who were kind of in a semicircle. And I stand up, and this was interesting because I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. I stood up, I looked down at the carpet, went in front of the room and just said, when I was five, I was sexually abused by the babysitter's son.
(00:43:13):
And I went through the entire story of the entire event. It was almost like I was in the bathroom again, reliving it. And I shared this, but I could not look up. I was so ashamed at what I was saying, and I was just thinking to myself, man, everyone's laughing at me. Everyone's thinking I'm a loser. Everyone thinking I'm unlovable. All these things came up for me. And I was like, my life is over essentially what I was thinking. And I remember sharing this staring down, like walk through the whole thing. And somehow I was semi calm. I was standing there just maybe because I wasn't looking in anyone's eyes, but I was pretty calm and able to just get through it. I wasn't crying or anything. I was just getting through it. And then I went and sat down and there was two women sitting on either side of me when I sat down.
(00:44:03):
And I remember just looking at one of them and she's weeping and the other one is holding me. They're crying now. It's like 25 years of pain just kind of erupts. And I start crying and they're holding me. They're all kind of jumping and shaking like they're crying uncontrollably. And I'm just like, I have to leave. So I run out of the room. He was in kind of a conference room of a hotel, run out of the hotel to get some fresh air. And I'm in the back alley behind this hotel by LAX, and there's a wall. I kind of just put my hand against the wall and I'm just sobbing. And a few minutes later, I feel a touch on the back of my shoulder. And it's this guy who's bigger than me. He's probably in his late fifties, and he turns me around, he's crying.
(00:44:50):
He looks me in my eyes. He says, you're my hero. You're my hero. I will follow you anywhere. I vividly remember this. He goes, I have three kids. I've been married for 20 something years. My wife doesn't know. My kids don't know. This happened to me when I was 11. This happened to me multiple times, and I've lived with shame and doubt and insecurities my whole life. Thank you for being the first person to open up in front of me. You're going to give me the courage now to go and tell my wife. Wow. All these men from the room started coming out. There was only two or three guys who had been sexually abused that told me that for the first time. By the way, they hadn't opened up either to anyone in their lives. And then other guys were just like, I've never heard anything like this. This happened to me. I feel really insecure about this in my life or this thing I'm ashamed of. And it was so powerful. I was thinking, everyone's going to make fun of me, but in fact, it made them trust me and respect me more and love me more. The thing that was the scariest thing for me was actually the thing that brought me closer to people.
(00:46:01):
And people could actually see me for the first time fully, at least in that regard. And that was the start of 10 years of lots of different healing modalities, which I'm happy to talk about some of them. But that was the start of processing the healing. The next step is integrating the healing, which is where all the work is.
Mel Robbins (00:46:22):
Yeah, that's true. Well, we will get you back to go in and talk about all the modalities, but I want to just say that this is yet another one of those areas where you and I have a parallel path because I had a very similar thing happen to me when I was in the fourth grade and I buried it. And I knew in the back of my mind, somewhere in the back of my mind that something had happened. And it wasn't until I was at a leadership seminar
Lewis Howes (00:46:54):
Really that was in that you started open
Mel Robbins (00:46:56):
Up personal. No. Well, what happened is somebody else shared and they shared about how they had been molested and they had forgiven their parents and forgiven the babysitter, but they couldn't forgive their sister because while this was happening to them in the bathroom, similar to their story, their sister was watching tv.
(00:47:17):
And as she said that, I had a very vivid memory of the moment that it happened to me in the middle of the night. And when I rolled over because I was scared that this person was on top of me, the first person I saw, my brother, he was sleeping on the bunk bed right across. And I thought, I don't want this person to hurt him. So I was just quiet like a mouse. But it was the sibling connection and it like you just flooded in. And I was like, I got to share this. And for a minute I questioned whether or not it happened and it
Lewis Howes (00:47:51):
Was speaking was it a bad dream or was it a reality or did I block it? Was it real? Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:47:55):
Yes. But that voice, knowing that flood of emotion made me like you say, I just have to say it out loud. And
Lewis Howes (00:48:04):
What happened when you said it out loud?
Mel Robbins (00:48:07):
Oh, I just collapsed sobbing. Same thing as you. Like so many people come up. I mean, it is such, unfortunately a very common story. One in four women, one in six men have experienced something like that. But it's in either the denying that it's real and questioning it, or the shame that you feel around it, as if somehow it's your fault or it somehow is damaging to you and carrying that inside, which really is damaging. And so I think that it's an important thank you, first of all for sharing that story.
Lewis Howes (00:48:42):
Of course.
Mel Robbins (00:48:44):
And I think speaking, the things that you hate or are ashamed of is a form of acceptance. Because if you keep this stuff silent, if you're unwilling to talk about it, it's going to continue to haunt you. And so you've been on this incredible journey of healing. What has it taught you about greatness?
Lewis Howes (00:49:07):
You can't be great without having peace and without going on a healing journey in my mind, you can accomplish a lot. You can achieve a lot. You can get a lot of awards and make a lot of money. But I feel like if you feel like you don't still aren't enough, then you're not great. I don't think.
Mel Robbins (00:49:23):
I really don't think so because the enough, the thing that you're chasing is outside of you.
Lewis Howes (00:49:27):
It is outside of you. And again, I was chasing them to feel better about myself, to feel like, okay, I matter and I have value. I didn't believe I had value. And I think once you believe you have value, then you're creating from a space of love and win-win and service as opposed to, I need to do this for me and look good and fill something up inside of me. You're doing it from a more healing journey place, and then you're able to give more able to create in a better place.
Lewis Howes (00:50:00):
So a lot of my life was doing things to prove people wrong that I felt abused, abandoned, made fun of by it was like, well, let me go create, succeed to prove people wrong. So when I would lose, I was a bad loser. I was like, oh, I didn't prove them wrong. I lost. They were right. And so it was just a different energy of creation. It's the second most powerful fuel is the fuel of anger and not enoughness. You can go nonstop for years trying to prove your enoughness from that state, but it is exhausting energy. It's draining. It's like you feel like, oh, what was the point of this? So many times I accomplish things in sports. Biggest dreams after 10 and 15 years of thinking about them working hard and accomplishing it and feeling so angry. After I accomplished it, I thought I would feel something different and I still didn't feel good enough. So I was like, I need to go create more and accomplish more. And then I would do it. And I was like, why am I still feeling alone inside? I didn't have a good relationship with me internally. And once I started to shift that I just feel such a good sense of peace and because I have a meaningful mission that is not about me, it's about others as well. You
Mel Robbins (00:51:15):
Talk about mission in this book a lot,
Lewis Howes (00:51:16):
And I think that's the foundation. It's getting clear on a meaningful mission that is not about
Mel Robbins (00:51:20):
How do you do that?
Lewis Howes (00:51:22):
I mean,
Mel Robbins (00:51:23):
You've got the framework in here. Its process, process. I'm thinking Lewis, about the person.
Lewis Howes (00:51:27):
It depends on the season of your life. And again, if you were trying to pay your bills, you can't think about a meaningful mission. You got to think about protecting yourself safety and getting to a place of
Mel Robbins (00:51:37):
Financial,
Lewis Howes (00:51:37):
Well, that's
Mel Robbins (00:51:37):
A meaningful mission
Lewis Howes (00:51:38):
And that is a meaningful mission for this season. So when I was on my sister's couch, that's all I could think about was like, how can I make enough money to get off the couch?
Mel Robbins (00:51:46):
Great.
Lewis Howes (00:51:46):
And so that was the mission for that season. But once you complete that, you got to think about something bigger that includes others. And so I was still including others in that by adding value to people in order to get money from them, essentially, I'm going to give you a service. I'm going to help you and you're going to pay me. So I'm helping them overcome a problem. And I was using my passion and my power to solve a problem. And that's what I started to do. And then I started to, once I overcame that mission or accomplish it, I was like, okay, now I can see a little bit further now what I want to create. And same thing happened with the School of Greatness once.
Mel Robbins (00:52:22):
So hold on. I just wanted to tell everybody. So Lewis, basically in looking for a job, figured out how LinkedIn worked
Lewis Howes (00:52:28):
Exactly.
Mel Robbins (00:52:28):
And then realized, oh, whoa, I can teach other people how to use LinkedIn like a pro. And so he literally became wildly successful being an expert on monetizing one platform and utilizing LinkedIn and one platform and tell everybody how you came up with the School for Greatness idea.
Lewis Howes (00:52:48):
So after, I don't know, four or five years of kind of teaching LinkedIn and then expanding it into just social media and marketing in general and courses and stuff like that, I realized, okay, I had enough money for maybe two years to live.
Mel Robbins (00:53:04):
Oh, that's pretty damn good, Louis,
Lewis Howes (00:53:06):
When you're broken, poor, at least from my point of
Mel Robbins (00:53:10):
View, the holy grail
Lewis Howes (00:53:11):
When you're broken, poor, from my point of view, I didn't spend anything. I was like, I just need to stack everything. Because I was in scarcity
Mel Robbins (00:53:17):
Mode,
Lewis Howes (00:53:17):
So I wasn't spending anything. So I had enough. And I also didn't have a car. I was living in an apartment that was only $495 a month. I was living in the lowest amount I, I was taking trains, places, not flying anywhere. I was like, how can I
Mel Robbins (00:53:33):
Stay? This is Lewis the Squirrel?
Lewis Howes (00:53:35):
Yes, I
Mel Robbins (00:53:36):
Was. Or in his nuts trying to get,
Lewis Howes (00:53:37):
Here we go,
Mel Robbins (00:53:38):
Right?
Lewis Howes (00:53:39):
Put him in my back pocket and once I realized, oh, I can actually, I'm surviving now, right? I'm thriving, I'm surviving. I got out of this kind of scarcity mentality. I was able to think beyond that. I was able to think beyond this need to just make money really quickly. And I realized I didn't want this anymore, this season of life. I was like, I don't want to do what I was doing in this business anymore. So I sold it to a business partner that I had, and I was like, okay, I've got about two years of cash. If I don't make any money to survive, this is the exact moment. When I got into the fight in the basketball court, I was going through a breakup in a relationship that I moved to LA for, and I was just having breakdowns in life. And so I was literally stuck in traffic in LA a little over 10 years ago. Tuesday next week is my 10 year anniversary for my podcast.
Mel Robbins (00:54:31):
No way.
Lewis Howes (00:54:32):
Tuesday next week. So a little over 10 years ago, be 10 years and three months ago, I'm stuck in LA traffic. All this stuff had just happened, and I'm just thinking to myself, man, I don't have it all figured out. I thought I did. I thought my ego knew it was right.
(00:54:51):
I thought I accomplished stuff and this and that, and I was featuring the White House and all these other things. I was like, man, I should be the man, but I feel like a loser. And I was stuck in LA traffic. We were literally on the 4 0 5 and we were not moving, and all these people around me in cars stopped, we're screaming and honking and flipping each other off, and I'm honking and I'm like, man, I'm stuck. We're stuck. Everyone's stuck. And I was just like, okay. Huh? If people are stuck in traffic and they're taking them so long to get places, what if I could offer value and solve a problem for them to get unstuck? This was literally what I was going through, and I was like, I need the solution myself. And I just started hurting about podcasting. This was 2012. I just started to hear whispers, whisper, podcasting, buy, what is this thing? And I was like, I literally called two friends in the car. It was a long drive. I being stuck. I called two friends. I go, I know you have a podcast. I just saw you launched this thing. Who were they? Pat Flynn. And my friend Derek Halper
(00:55:57):
Called them both. And I go, tell me about the podcasting thing. And they were like, I love it. It's the coolest thing ever. The audience, I'm connecting the building the relationship. It's the best thing ever. I don't make any money, but it's the best thing ever. And I was like, okay, cool. And I was like, man, I think I could do this. Because I had started to just interview people for myself, recording it for me, like business leaders and sports athletes and all these people for years leading up to that. That's how I got into the LinkedIn space. I would network with people, I'd interview them, and I just was like, man, I've learned so much from these people, which got me here in my business results, so let me take it a step farther. And they were both telling me, well, you should just make it about marketing and entrepreneurship, what you're doing.
(00:56:42):
And I was like, ah, it just doesn't resonate with me. I feel like I'm supposed to do something more. And they're like, well, don't go too broad because it probably won't work.
Mel Robbins (00:56:49):
Oh, you mean like greatness?
Lewis Howes (00:56:49):
Yeah. And I was like, and who are you? You're still just getting started. You're like an internet marketer. You don't have a big audience. You can't go too broad.
Mel Robbins (00:56:58):
You just beat somebody up at a basketball court.
Lewis Howes (00:57:00):
Come on, know you're breaking down everywhere in your life. And I was just like, again, that voice kept saying, I just feel like this is what I want to step into though.
Lewis Howes (00:57:07):
And even if it fails, I'm going to make it an experiment. I'm going to do it for one year, one episode a week for a year, and just see if I like it. So I discovered the mission by exploring something, by being curious and trying it. And I gave myself some parameters. I'm not going to try to make money again. At that time, I had money for two years.
Mel Robbins (00:57:29):
Got It.
Lewis Howes (00:57:30):
Some people may not have that luxury when they're figuring this out in terms of making money. You might have to make money really quickly. If I needed to make money, I could have.
Mel Robbins (00:57:38):
Well, you also don't have to go all in.
Lewis Howes (00:57:40):
Exactly
Mel Robbins (00:57:40):
What I loved about what you said. Did you hear what Lewis said? Experiment. He gave himself permission to experiment with something for a year. Number two, he took the pressure off and said, I'm not going to make this experiment generate money.
Mel Robbins (00:57:53):
And so if you can, whether you're on the couch or you're working a job, if you can give yourself the grace of an experiment and take the pressure off of money, you now are walking in the footsteps of greatness here. And so you set out on this experiment and you didn't know shit about how to do it. You have two friends that
Lewis Howes (00:58:14):
I had an iPhone that I used to record in the beginning. I had no clue what I was doing. I was trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do. I was just trying stuff. And it's funny because my assistant listened to the first episode last week. She goes, I went back and listened to the first episode. She goes, you're a completely different person. And I'm like, it was more about success. It was more about achievement and winning and results.
Mel Robbins (00:58:38):
Oh, I have to go back and listen now. It's like you Lewis we're might have to pop in a little audio of Lewis introducing
Lewis Howes (00:58:43):
Yourself. Exactly. Then I went to this workshop a few months later.
Mel Robbins (00:58:48):
Oh one where you
Lewis Howes (00:58:50):
For the first time? Yeah, about sexual abuse and all these things. And actually this is so funny. I actually learned the concept about no one wins.
Lewis Howes (00:58:58):
You don't win unless everyone wins around you. That was like, what? That concept didn't make sense to me as an athlete. I was like, no, there was one winner. Everyone else must lose otherwise you're the loser. That was the mentality that I was trained with. It was the programming that I was conditioned to have. And this workshop taught me that you don't win unless everyone wins.
Mel Robbins (00:59:22):
You embody that dude,
Lewis Howes (00:59:25):
Thank you. And it's about, it doesn't mean winning could look differently for everyone around you, but there must be a win-win experience. Otherwise your win doesn't mean as much if others aren't improving and growing and succeeding in whatever it is they're doing as well. It doesn't mean it has to be equal winning or something like that. And that's why I was like, yeah, that's right. This podcast can't be about results. It should be about elevating others and about improvement and how we can all win together.
(00:59:55):
And that's when it started to shift. And I started to be a little softer. I was like, let's just get results. It was beautiful. There's so much that happened in that first year of the experiment where I started to try something and it wasn't perfect the first a hundred times. I just said, how can I make it better every time? How can I listen to the feedback and make it better every time? And how can I find my voice in this process, even if I'm not comfortable sharing my voice? How do I find it by practicing it? And after the first year, I remember being like, man, I just really loved this and enjoyed it. And so 10 years later, here we are. I still love it. Still enjoy it.
Mel Robbins (01:00:36):
Wow. When you think back on literally probably thousands of people that you've interviewed,
Mel Robbins (01:07:03):
See, I don't think people understand how much men struggle with this, that no, I mean, this is why I said you remind me a tremendous amount in ways of Chris. Same thing, just would shut down or
Lewis Howes (01:07:20):
Give in or
Mel Robbins (01:07:21):
Whatever. Or give in and not capable of expressing what he needed. Because his experience as a kid was it didn't matter anyway.
Lewis Howes (01:07:28):
Exactly. And a lot of times in general, a lot of men were never trained on how to navigate uncomfortable emotions through their highest selves. They would navigate it through their ego self, which is to defend, protect, and show that everything's okay. And that works in some cases, but not in every case. And I think I didn't have the tools, the training, the knowledge, the experience, the wisdom on how to navigate stressful emotions in love in an intimate, loving relationship. I could do it in business and sports and other things.
Mel Robbins (01:08:06):
What was it modeled for you
Lewis Howes (01:08:08):
When you were little? Yeah, it was a constant low level stress and resentment from my parents of each other, which made me always like, ah, what's going to happen? And they loved me and I knew they loved me, but I knew they also didn't love each other. And so that was stressful. And so I didn't know how to be with a woman who was like, you can't do this. Screaming at me. Don't do this. I don't like when you do this. This is not okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because what they are saying is, you're not enough and I don't accept you for who you are, Lewis. So I didn't accept myself for who I was. I knew I wasn't enough. That's how I thought. So I said, I'm going to do what's make her feel like I'm enough for her. And after a year, two years, three years of doing that and just giving in and giving in and giving in, you fully lose yourself. You lose who you are, then you get resentful, you get frustrated, you get angry. So I lacked the emotional ability to say no. And if you don't love me and accept me and you want to walk away, that's okay. And I lacked the emotional ability to just be okay with me walking away from something as well. And that's why when I met Martha, which you've met her a couple times now,
Mel Robbins (01:09:25):
She smiles at you all the time.
Lewis Howes (01:09:27):
I had a fully different experience
Mel Robbins (01:09:30):
Because you were different.
Lewis Howes (01:09:31):
I was completely different.
Guests Appearing in this Episode
Lewis Howes
Lewis Howes is a bestselling author, podcast host, and entrepreneur dedicated to helping people unlock their potential and achieve greatness.
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Book: The Greatness Mindset
Are you living your most authentic life? Are you leaning into your purpose or running away from it? Is this the story you want your future self to tell or do you ache for something more?
Through his breakthrough discoveries, New York Times best-selling author Lewis Howes reveals how you can rewrite your past to propel yourself into a powerful and abundant future.
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Podcast: The School of Greatness
Since its launch in January 2013, the School of Greatness podcast has grown rapidly to be one of the top-ranked Business and Self-Development podcasts in iTunes. It regularly appears in the Top 50 of all iTunes podcasts, and has over 150 million downloads.
Episodes range from interviews with incredible world-class game changers in entrepreneurship, health, mindset, and relationships, to solo rounds with the host, Lewis Howes, and the once a week listener-favorite, the 5-Minute Friday format.
Resources
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- Living with dyslexia? Check out these success stories.
- Child-Mind Institute: Prepping for college with dyslexia.
- ADDitude Magazine: How to be successful with ADHD.
- Dr. Mark Hyman: 7 strategies to address ADHD.
- National Public Radio: Building resilience after sexual trauma.
- The New York Times: Building emotional safety nets for men.
- Forbes: Masculinity isn’t working; Justin Baldoni’s advice for male leaders
- Help your little ones learn to be critical thinkers with this book series.
2 Million Readers.
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