The Only Way to Stop Procrastinating (Based on Research)

(15:06):

It's just all about stress. And I'm going to unpack this for you because when you first hear that, wait, procrastination is a subc subconscious desire to feel good right now, how the heck does that make sense? I mean, vi really wants to draw Mel, so wouldn't it make sense that she'd feel good if she were drawing? Sort of, sort of, and I'm going to explain this, it makes sense intellectually, but when I unpack how stress is triggering you to stop doing something that you care about or that you need to do, this is all going to be like, holy cow, why didn't I hear this sooner? So I'm going to give you an example, but I want you to understand that stress that is triggering you to procrastinate. It could be something going on in your life right now, or it could be deep seeded stress like childhood trauma.

 

(15:59):

It could be anxiety or depression or something in your past that you haven't dealt with a situation that you're worried about that's completely unrelated to work or to the things that you need to do. It might just be the relentless pressure and stress that you feel because you are so hard on yourself. I mean, you haven't even met Viti and you can hear in her voice, the woman beats herself up all day long. Talk about stressful, and that's why I'm so excited to be able to teach this to you today. It's why I love this topic so much because when we talk about procrastination, we're not talking about getting shit done. You're going to get shit done as a byproduct. But when you truly understand the research and the topic of procrastination, it's about self-awareness, stress management, and being effective and productive on the things that matter to you.

 

(16:51):

It's about feeling a sense of control and agency in your life. So let's really unpack what it means when I say that your habit of procrastinating is triggered by the stress in your life. Stop and think for a minute. What is stressing you out right now? And I just kind of talked about the bread basket getting older, that kind of stuff. But let me stop and think, oh, I'm stressing about the fact that my parents are getting older and I haven't seen in a while. I'm going to go see him in a week. And it's making me realize, my God, we have not seen each other and I hate that. I hate that. I hate that it stresses me out. Maybe the same is true for you or maybe your mom and dad, their health is failing and it's really upsetting you. Or perhaps I used to have profound financial stress, just crushing relentless financial stress, always on my mind, always worried about it.

 

(17:45):

Or your best friends are going through a divorce. Maybe that's something that's on your mind. It's really bothering you and you don't know what to do about it. And so here you are in your day-to-day life, you got this big thing that is on your mind, you carry it on. They carry it around like a backpack of stress. You're thinking about it all the time. Maybe it's even just in your subconscious just grinding away at you. You haven't been working on the dissertation. Oh my God, I need to work on that thing, and why am I not getting to it? And oh my God, I need to do this. I need to. And so here you go and viti, you sit down and there's something you need to do. Maybe you have to work on your portfolio, maybe you got to make a few sales calls.

 

(18:28):

Maybe you need to sort through all of those medical bills and figure out how to get compensated and reimbursed from insurance. Talk about something that requires concentration. Maybe you're working on your business plan. Maybe it's something you're really excited about. You're working on the next chapter of your book, but as you sit there and you start to do the work, what's interesting, you need to concentrate, don't you? Doing that thing requires a bit of focus. It requires your prefrontal cortex to engage. You've been learning all about this on the Mel Robbins podcast, but you got the stress backpack on your back. You got all of this stuff ruminating through you, and it might not be something that is present of mine. It might not be like maybe all your kids are doing fine today. And so you're not worried about, you can't put your finger on it.

 

(19:26):

Your stress backpack might be the fact that you're still living with the effects of childhood trauma. And so when you walk into work and you sit down or you've got a list of phone calls you need to make, or you've got a report you need to finish or you've got something you need to edit and that's going to require you to concentrate, your brain literally looks at you and is like, excuse me, you want me to do an illustration right now? You want me to make a phone call to a stranger and try to sell them some of this stuff right now? Have you not seen that I have a stress backpack on? You want me to focus on 15 phone calls when I've been worried about how I'm going to pay my bills all day? And what mom's going to do? Can we just look at some cat videos or some memes or some TikTok dance trends?

 

(20:10):

I mean, I need a break. And then all of a sudden, what happens? Next thing you know, two hours have gone. You haven't made a single phone call, you haven't drawn a single thing, you have not even cracked open the folder with a financial aid application in it. You've been online shopping, you've been scrolling through TikTok, you have been texting people mindlessly. You've been looking at social media, and then what happens next? You go, oh my God, holy cow. It's already three. I didn't do any of this thing. And next thing you know, holy cow, you're even more stressed out. And let me go back to that example that I said about micro procrastination, which is the number of times you pick up your phone and you mindlessly just check out and you start scrolling on social media. I often will look at my daughters as they're just, it doesn't even make that noise, but I would. They're going through it so fast. I'm like, what are you doing? Nothing. Taking a break from life and it feels like you're doing something right, like, but you're doing this because you want to check out for a minute. You don't want to have to think about anything. You don't want to have to focus on something. Why? Because your brain and your body's already taxed. See, when you're stressed, it triggers that fight, flight, freeze alarm system in your body. You want to know what procrastination is? It's freezing.

 

(21:40):

I'm going to say that again because I can feel the wake up calls going, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. As you're listening, I'm going to say that again. You know that you have a fight or flight response, right? When you get stressed out, you go on edge. There's also freeze. When you're stressed, you feel paralyzed. Procrastination is a form of freezing. Let me explain this. See, life triggers you. A bill arrives in the mail or in your inbox and you're thinking, how the hell am I going to pay that? All of a sudden you get triggered by stress. Your brain goes into survival mode to protect you, and you freeze. So without even thinking about it, you procrastinate on something. Why? Because you're trying to feel a little better right now. That's why you look at social media. That's why you blow off the 15 phone calls because those feel hard.

 

(22:36):

That's why you blow off the writing that you need to do or the video that you need to shoot or the thing that feels hard. And then what happens is because you've blown it off in order to feel a little bit better right now, you get a little behind and guess what happens? You then feel more stressed. And this is exactly what Viti is experiencing, and this is why you got to get in front of this procrastination habit because this will very quickly spiral out of control. And here she is talking about how she gets triggered, that when she sits down and she starts to worry about, and here's her stress, is it going to be good enough? I got to get this right. I don't know if this is the right drawing to do. And she starts thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking. And she even uses the word siren naturally. She even feels like it's an alarm that's getting triggered. Listen to this,

 

Viti (23:31):

I realized whenever anything good is about to happen, a siren goes off inside my head, oh, it's triggered to be true. Oh, it's too good to be true. Oh, you think you can do this? Seriously, you can't. They chose the wrong person. You clearly not good enough. There are hundreds of much more talented artists when you finish this project. They'll know that you are a fake, that you are not good enough. So I think you should just stop doing whatever you're doing right now. So yeah, every time something good happens, I find myself running from it. And I think we named this self-doubt as wanting to be perfect. And for God's sake, I don't even like perfect. I don't want my drawings to be perfect. I like the imperfect parts of my drawing. And another thing, sometimes this negative talk, this negative voice gets so loud. I know that if I do certain things, if I go and give myself a high five, I am going to feel better and I will be able to get back and do my job, but I just don't do it. I just don't. It's like, it's like feeling shitty has become a comfortable feeling. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

 

Mel Robbins  (24:46):

That last line, it's like feeling shitty has become a comfortable feeling. 

(25:50):

And I want you to hear me loud and clear. This is normal. This is a normal experience to have and you can do something about it. And if you relate to video like I do, good because then you're seeing it. You're seeing that you're trapped in this cycle and seeing it is really the first step. And you going, okay, good, because I'm going to break the cycle. I'm going to replace it with something else. If you're still trying to spot yourself in this vicious procrastination loop, let me give you another more relatable example that I've been hinting at several times. How many times have you had that experience where you're going to bed, you're brushing your teeth, and you start to feel stressed out as you're going to bed because you reflect on the night and you think, oh my God, I just wasted the whole evening.

 

(26:38):

I just spent three hours scrolling through social media while I was lounging on the couch watching something on Netflix, and I'm not going to get that time back and now it's too late and I know why you did it. And so you were stressed out, you finished the day and you were tired and you were stressed, or you were worried about something or you felt like, my God, I've been concentrating all day. I just need a break. They call this revenge procrastination. When you literally do nothing at night, you blow off time, you waste your time because you're getting back at your job because it stressed you out. And look, is it a big deal to scroll on social media now and then? Of course not. But when this habit of micro procrastination or revenge procrastination starts to cause a cycle of you coming home and feeling stressed out all the time, and now you're going to bed stressed out and you're waking up stressed out, and you didn't take the time tonight to set yourself up tomorrow morning and now you're waking up stressed out because you're feeling behind based on what happened last night.

 

(27:42):

This is how the stress builds and builds and builds. And so I think the big question is this, Mel, what do I do about it? You now got me freaked out. I'm no longer frozen. I want to run. I want to take a sledgehammer and break the cycle in half. Well, when we come back, you got me and you got the research and the solution and the three simple step approach you can use to break this cycle, take back your time, stop procrastinating and get your power back. Oh, and you watching on YouTube. First of all, I want to say I love you and I want to make sure you know you're watching the Mel Robbins podcast, and that means that your friends who are listening are now listening to ads. And so I wanted to take a second and say to you, please subscribe to this channel because it allows us to bring this to you for zero cost.

 

(28:27):

Second, you also want to subscribe to the podcast because I don't want you watching YouTube videos while you're driving your car or you're going for a walk. I want to be in your ears with you one-on-one. So just go to your favorite platform where you listen to your podcast, and please also subscribe to the Mel Robbins podcast. Why? Because it really helps the show. And when the show is doing great, that means our sponsors are doing great, which means we can continue to do this at zero cost for you, which is why I am here. Alright, let's go back to the show. Welcome back, it's Mel, and we're talking about procrastination, and I am about to explain the simple three-step process that you are going to use based on research in order to break the vicious cycle of procrastination and to take back your time and your life.

 

(29:18):

I mean, this is big stuff and I'm going to warn you like a lot of things that I share. At first glance, it might sound kind of stupid, this one might even sound a little smarmy, but this is all research based. And in fact, I have a copy of the five second rule book right here with me. I'm on page 1 45, which is where chapter 11 begins, which is all about the 

(30:21):

You have a desire to lessen the stress in your life and you deserve to lessen the stress in your life. I get it. And this first step to forgive yourself, this comes from research from Dr. Piel. By the way. 

(31:17):

In fact, being hard on yourself is one of the major causes of why you're so damn stressed. And so taking a moment and forgiving yourself, and you've got to actually have a talk with yourself where you are sitting there like, oh my God, two hours just went by. Wow, I must be really stressed out. I forgive myself for just blowing off two hours on social media and you know what? I can spend the next hour setting my day up tomorrow for success. Or maybe you see all your bills and you realize you haven't opened those suckers in two months. Just go, wow, I haven't opened my bills in two months. I must be really nervous about this. I forgive myself for not doing that. And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to just do the best that I can. I'm going to face this head on because the next step that you're going to take, once you forgive yourself, you got to recognize that you're doing it.

 

(32:10):

Why? Because patterns and habits repeat unless you replace them. And so noticing that it's a pattern catching yourself, forgiving yourself. That is a way we're going to break this pattern because the step two, based on research, you must identify what you're stressed about. So let's go back to the example of seeing bills piling up or getting the second notification that you didn't pay that parking ticket because you procrastinated and now you missed the deadline and now it's twice as expensive. Whoa, I really blew that off. I forgive myself. What am I stressed about? I'm really stressed about senior year of college ending. I'm really stressed about this presentation that's coming up. I'm really stressed that I'm behind on my sales quota. I'm really stressed that my spouse and I haven't really talked for the last couple days and they're really mad at me. I'm really stressed about getting these test results back from my dad, worried about him.

 

(33:14):

When you identify what you're actually stressed about, it loosens its grip on you. It comes out of hiding. And see, I think that stress backpack is an important analogy or metaphor that you can visualize. It's behind you so you're not thinking about it. When you identify what it is, you bring it right in front of your face. And because you're now identifying the source of the stress, it loosens its grip. And now what you're going to do is you're going to ask yourself, well, what would the future me want to do right now? Viti the artist in you that has already finished her portfolio, what does she want you to do right now?

(34:12):

What would the future, Mel, that had gone to see the doctor and has got this in place, what would she want you to do right now? And so that's what you're going to ask yourself. What is the future you want you to do right now? And it might just be the future. You being the person that's waking up tomorrow morning. If you're sitting on the couch, two glasses of wine in and you realize you've procrastinated for the last five hours and you've acknowledged it, you've forgiven yourself for doing it, you've acknowledged the stress that you feel because you are in a fight with a friend or a boyfriend or whatever. What is the you that's going to wake up tomorrow morning wants you to do right now? I'll tell you what that you wants you to do. They want you to get off the couch.

 

(34:53):

They want you to pack lunch for tomorrow. They want you to brush your teeth and turn off the TV and the phone and read 10 pages of nonfiction and get a good night's sleep. That's what the future you wants you to do. The future you does not want you to slip back into that vicious cycle and spend another three hours watching cat videos and memes and TikTok videos, which we both know is exactly what you would do if you didn't break the cycle by forgiving yourself for doing it for three hours, acknowledging what you're stressed about, and then deciding what the future you wants you to do instead. And then finally, use the five second rule. Why? This is not just listening time people. This is doing time. We always say that about the Mel Robbins podcast. Use the five second rule. It's one of the most science-backed starting rituals on the planet for creating a new habit or pattern.

(36:36):

Once you pull up your resume template and you start writing, you're going to keep going because the problem isn't your ability to do what you need to do. 

(37:38):

And I also want to make sure, please support this show if you're enjoying this. If you're loving this, share these episodes. I know you got people in your life that are struggling with this, so please share this episode. Please subscribe to this channel. All of that helps us grow, and that helps us continue to bring this to you for zero cost, and I want to do that for you back to the show. So why would you want to try that? Let me tell you why. Because procrastination is a habit and this habit becomes a very vicious cycle, and that's exactly where video is trapped. So let me let her tell you what it feels like when you don't nip this in the bud, when the vicious cycle of procrastinating on her art and her work is now creeping into other areas of your life.

 

Viti (38:26):

The worst part of all of this, whatever this is, self-doubt or whatever, wanting to be perfect, whatever this is, the worst part is that this doubt, this fear is slowly seeping into all areas of my life. I know this is affecting all the relationships in my life, and I am just worried that this will take over and destroy everything I love. So I think the question is rather, how can I relearn to believe in myself? How can I relearn to believe that I deserve all the good things that come my way and that I am good enough? How can I learn that

 

Mel Robbins  (39:17):

Viti? I love that. I love that you reframed the question because that is what this is about. See, I told you procrastination was not about productivity, and I also told you that the thing that triggers it was going to surprise you. And that's why this topic is so important. I say every day that it is never too late to wake up and be the person you want to be and you deserve that. And here's the truth on how you do that. You have to act like you believe in yourself before you believe in yourself.

(40:12):

Perfectionism, everybody is what you do in order to protect yourself from rejection. There's a huge, huge connection between your desire to be perfect procrastinating and the fear of rejection. And so using these tools, you not only are going to break the pattern of procrastination, you have a roadmap for the actions that take you to the future you, because again, you have to act like you believe in yourself before you do believe in yourself. Let me just make this super, super detailed for you, Viti. When you wake up tomorrow morning and you sit down in that chair and you walk through these simple steps that I have just taught you based on the research, when you start drawing, you are acting like you believe in yourself. And notice you started drawing before you did believe in yourself. That's why this is so powerful when you see yourself acknowledging that you're procrastinating and labeling the stress and forgiving yourself for getting triggered by it, and then 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, doing it anyway because you are the kind of person that picks up the phone or picks up the pen or walks out the door or says that thing or does that thing, and you keep doing that consistently.

 

(41:35):

You know what's going to happen. You're not only going to get the results that you want, you're going to believe in yourself because you're going to see yourself doing the work to get the results that you want. It begins with the action. And that's why I say the Mel Robbins podcast is not a listening podcast. It's a doing podcast. It's in the doing that you become someone new. You cannot wait to feel ready. You cannot wait to feel motivated. You cannot wait for procrastination to disappear. It doesn't work that way. You got to act before you feel ready. You got to act like you believe before you do. And that's why this topic is so important. It's why I believe this will be probably one of our most shared episodes because everybody struggles with this. Whether you have kids in college or high school, share this episode with them.

 

(42:24):

If there's somebody that you wish would change, this episode will be very eyeopening. If you have somebody in your life, maybe it's you, or maybe it's somebody that you care deeply about that has huge potential, and you're like, why won't they just start doing that thing? Why are they not writing their music? Why are they not starting their channel? Why are they not applying to nursing school? Why don't they believe in themselves? Why don't they just do that thing? I'll tell you why. They're stuck in a vicious cycle and now you understand it. So send this episode to them so they can understand it too and tell them it's a message from their future. And in case nobody else tells you this today, I'm not procrastinating on this one. I'm going to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to catch yourself when you start procrastinating.

 

(43:27):

I believe that you can, as cheesy as it sounds, go, I forgive myself three hours down the toilet. I needed it. You can acknowledge the stress and you can act like the future. You want to know why you deserve that, and the more you do this, the more you're going to be on your way to being the future you. Alrighty, I can't wait to hear what you thought about this one, and I'll talk to you in a few days. I got to go call my doctor. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.