Mindset Reset Toolkit: How to Make Your Mind Work for You (Using Simple Neuroscience)

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However, you know that I prefer metaphors. Mel Robbins is dyslexic, so she likes to be able to visualize something, especially when we're talking about this intellectual stuff. The metaphor that I love when it comes to mindset and the science-y, psychological neurological aspect of mindset and brain programming is I use the metaphor sunglasses. I think about your mindset like a pair of sunglasses. So stop and think right now about your favorite pair of sunglasses. I have these sunglasses that I have had for almost 15 years. I bought them because we were going on this rafting trip and I had forgot to pack my sunglasses, and so I bought the only cool pair of sunglasses that they had on that turnstile thing on the counter. They're like 15 bucks and they're these huge black bug-eyed glasses. I feel like JackieO when I wear 'em. So think about your favorite pair of sunglasses for just a minute.

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Now, I want you to think about the lens color and think about how when you put on that pair of sunglasses, that lens on your favorite sunglasses, it colors and filters what you see, and it gives it a tent, right? I mean, if you put on rose colored sunglasses, the world has a rosy bright tint to it. If you put on amber sunglasses, same thing, gray, same thing. My big black bug-eyed glasses that I just love. I feel so glamorous in these $15 plastic things. Everything looks crazy, dark, just really blocks everything out. Your mindset works the same way as a pair of sunglasses. Let's go back to the written definition of your mindset. Your mindset is made up of your beliefs and your opinions, and just like the lens on a pair of sunglasses, those beliefs and opinions that you have, they create a mindset through which you filter the world.

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And I'm going to give you a couple examples. Let's say you're a pessimistic person. If that's your mindset, if that's your outlook, you will filter the world through pessimism, just like a dark pair of sunglasses skews the outside world with this blackened darker shade. And if you're not pessimistic, let's just think about the most pessimistic person. You know, someone who is always negative. They could be sitting on the beach in The Bahamas with a beautiful, fabulous tropical drink in their hands. Sun is shining crystal clear ocean, and they're annoyed because lunch hasn't come out yet. You know that kind of person. You've sat next to them at a wedding where the band is awesome, the couple is so cute and happy family's together, and what is this person doing? They're bitching about something, some relative that's sitting all the way on the other side of the room.

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All they notice is the one thing that's wrong or irritating them. They don't even notice all of the amazing things that are going on around them. Isn't it interesting when I describe this negative pessimistic person, you know exactly who I'm talking about and you're probably thinking, dear God, do not sit them next to me at the next family wedding. I do not want to hear this, okay? I do not like that kind of mindset or that mood. I do not want dark colored glasses skewing the way that I enjoy this situation right now. And here's the craziest thing about mindset. That pessimistic person you and I were just thinking about, they have no idea that they have dark glasses on. This is just the way they see the world. I'm going to give you another example of mindset and how important this is. I want you to think about someone you work with or maybe you go to school with this person who has a can-do attitude no matter how tight the deadline or how rude the customer is that you guys are waiting on, or how much other team members are slacking off this one person with a can-do attitude.

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They always see the bright side or they have this unbelievable ability to just shrug off the rudeness of other people or the laziness of the students that are on your group project, and they literally can just flip it and turn to you and go, well, they probably have something going on in their personal life. It's as if they always see any situation or any relationship from the positive. They see possibility. They give people the benefit of the doubt. They assume good intent. This too is a mindset. It's just like putting on a rosy pair of sunglasses. Everything is sharper, clearer, brighter when you have this kind of mindset. Even a cloudy, crappy day looks like a beautiful sunrise. In fact, there's a really cool study from the University of Toronto about rose colored glasses. This isn't just a saying, when you wear rose colored glasses, your attitude is better.

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And there's even more based on this research. When you wear rose colored glasses, you even see more. Your visual horizon is expanded because these rose colored glasses put you in a good mood. Your mindset determines the way you view the world, and that determines how you think. 

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It shapes the way you view the world, and that determines how and what you think about it also determines how you feel about the present moment, about your past and about the future. And most importantly, this is where it gets really important. Your mindset determines what actions you take and what actions you don't take, and it also impacts how you see other people. So for example, if I asked you, so what's your mom like? Before you even answer the question, you subconsciously drop on sunglasses and it filters your opinion about her. And by having a filter about another person, it also limits what's possible for her. You think she just is that way, which means there's no room for her to change. So why is mindset and getting intentional about changing your mindset, why is this so important? Why do you need to know what color the lens is that you view the world through?

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And more importantly, why it's time to pop those lenses out if they don't serve you and put in different lenses so that you can see things differently? I'll tell you why your mindset is so important, because so much of your potential is either limited or expanded by your mindset. I prove to you almost every single episode on the Mel Robbins podcast that with the right attitude and consistent action, you can absolutely change anything about your life or your health or your relationships for the better. And if you're walking around right now with a really negative mindset, you've got those dark bug-eyed glasses on, and you're sitting there every single day telling yourself day in and day out that there is nothing that you can do about this situation, this job, this relationship, this health condition that you've tried, that you've failed, that you don't deserve it, that you don't know how, I want you to consider that your own mindset is keeping you stuck in that broken situation because your mindset is not inspiring you to do anything about it.

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Being able to spot those dark lenses, pop 'em out, put in something brighter, Rosie or more luminous, it's going to change everything. And here's why. When you feel more hopeful or when you see options and you start to tell yourself, well, why not? Why don't I just try it? What if it works out? Why don't I just see what happens? I do deserve to be happier. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I should start speaking up that rosier mindset. It inspires you to take the actions that change your life and it's the actions that matter. This is why I love this topic about mindset and what you're about to learn about the filter in your brain so much because right now there are areas in your life where your own mindset is blocking you from taking action. And before we jump into the filter in your brain and changing your mindset, I want to be very clear about something. This conversation today, it's not about positive thinking.

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When you take off the dark glasses, you know what you'll see? You'll see you're not stuck in the job, you're not stuck in the relationship. You're not stuck with the unhealthy habits that you have. If you're the kind of person that constantly shrugs your shoulders and is like, well, it is what it is. I got this college dad. It is what it is. I always take these losers. It is what it is. My grandfather was heavy, my mother was heavy. I guess I'll just be heavy and feel really bad about No, no. You can look at something differently. And when you look at it differently, you see different options. And I also want to say one more thing before we jump into the filter in your brain and its connection to your mindset. There are things in life that you are not going to change, or at least you're not going to change them overnight.

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For example, you and I cannot change that. There is discrimination in this world. There is bias and there is violence that a lot of people experience. We cannot change the fact that poverty and mental health issues impact people for real. But here's what you can do. You can train yourself to look at the future and decide how you're going to react to and respond to the things that you're facing in your life. You can decide how you're going to heal and what you are going to do about things for yourself and your community. And one final thing, we have a huge global audience here in the Mel Robbins podcast, and I want you to know if you're listening in another country that I am reading all of the questions that you're submitting through the dms and through the forms@melrobbins.com, and I see so many of you writing about your desire to create a better life and the fact that it's hard because you're living in Iran or your country is under siege like Ukraine, and I'm going to tell you something, a positive mindset is not going to change the reality of what is going on around you.

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Here's what it does, and this is why it's important. It empowers you to face it, to deal with it, and to survive it. That's what a mindset does, and that's why it's important to get serious about training your mind to work for you and this connection between mindset and action. This is so important that I want to give you one more example about how your mindset either inspires action or it discourages it. So let's just say that you are in a job and you hate it. You feel stuck. You feel like you're kind of dead inside, you're not excited about anything. It's day in, day out, the same thing. Or if you're not working right now, and let's say you've taken time off to raise your kids and you're sitting there going, I want to get back in the workforce, but I don't have any skills and I've got a 20 year hold in my resume.

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If your mindset is like those dark bug-eyed sunglasses that just muddy everything that you see, this is what you're telling yourself. Nobody's going to hire me. I don't have any experience. I don't even know how to write a resume. How the hell am I going to get into interior design? When I went to college for accounting and I work in a big accounting firm and I don't even know how to begin doing this, I can't make this happen. If that is the way that you look at the future, if that's your mindset, if you color what's possible through that dark lens, if you keep telling yourself those things, you will see a world where you can't change. So are you going to feel inspired to work on your resume? Of course not. Are you going to feel empowered to start Googling and researching and figuring out how to go from an accounting job into interior design?

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No, because your mindset has stopped you before you even started, and that's why it's critical for you to realize this is not just a conversation about your thoughts. At the end of the day, if you don't have a positive mindset, you and I can talk about actions and habits all day long until we're blue in the face, but you won't do shit about it. I got to get you to have the kind of mindset that also says, Hey, it's worth it. Hey, I can do something about this. Because if I can get you to be more optimistic, if I can get you to take the dark lens off and put on a lighter one, if I can get you to start believing it is worth it for you to apply, it is worth it for you to put your dating app back up. Yeah, it is worth it for you to pick up the pen and start working on that book.

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You've always wanted to write, hell yes, it's worth it for you to take 10 minutes today and lay down on the floor and do those stretching exercises that the doctor told you you should do because you threw your back out instead of sitting on the couch and bitching about it. Of course, it's worth it. If I can get you to start to flip from easy for you to say, Mel works out for you, doesn't work out for me, it's not going to help. I've had anxiety for years. If I can get you into, Hey, maybe it will work. Hey, maybe I'm ready. Maybe I should try this. Maybe I do deserve this. That singular switch in your mindset motivates you, encourages you to take action. And that's critical because without action, your problems are not going away without action. Those dreams are not coming true without action.

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You are not healing the crap that's giving you pain. When you change your mindset, it doesn't make those challenges disappear. It changes your ability to face them. And so I'm going to teach you, and I'm going to teach brandy, remember that question she wants? How do I reset this, Mel, how do I stop doubting myself? Well, I'm going to teach you how to do a mindset reset because the fact is you can change your mindset. You are not stuck with the thoughts that you think. You are not stuck with the way that you feel. You can make your mind a place that supports you. Yes, you can start to see possibility where you never saw any possibility or hope before. So now that you know what a mindset is and the fact that it impacts the actions that you do or don't take, I now want to prove to you that your mind is super flexible.

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It is so easily programmed. I mean, I can't even work my television remote and I can teach you how to change the filter in your brain. And your brain right now is trying its best to change in real time to help you. And I'm going to prove that to you too. And I'm also going to give you an example of just how flexible your mind is, how quickly you can change it. And when you start to realize, holy cow, Mel's rate my mind is easier to program than a television remote. Holy cow, I never even realized this. Just you buckle up and wait because your mind has been dying for you to learn what you're about to learn. So let's prove to you that your mind is at the ready to change to help you. Okay? And I'm going to give you an example that I am sure you have experienced in your life before.

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And here's the example, buying a new car. Have you ever had an experience where you either were looking or shopping for a new car, or you were in your family, somebody was, or you became interested in a new car, they're releasing this brand new Bronco, and now you're super interested in it. I am personally in this boat right now. I drive a nine-year-old car 2014. I love this car, but it's time. It seems like the engine light is on every other week and every time I take it to get fixed, it's like a $500 bill. And so the thing is paid off, but I'm like nine years. Maybe it's time. It's getting to the point. I love my car, but maybe I should get a new car. And the truth is, I'm not really a car person. I don't really give a shit about cars.

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I just want the car to be comfortable. I want it to work. I want it to be reliable. I want the seats to have heaters in them and the steering wheel to be a heater, seat heater thingy. I always mix those words up, but that's kind of what I care about. So I don't really think about cars, but you want to know what the second I started truly considering, maybe it's time to get a new car. Do you know what I saw everywhere? I'm like, holy cow. There are a lot of cars in this tiny town in southern Vermont that I live in. Cars are everywhere. And then as I started to hone in on the new Bronco, does everybody and their mother drive the new Bronco? It's like it's the only car on the road, the two door, the four door, the soft top, the hard top, the gray one, the red one, the green one, they're everywhere.

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You see it everywhere. Maybe it was a handbag that you were really interested in or a certain style of shoe or sneaker, the new Converse ones with the really inch tall sole on 'em. All of a sudden those things were everywhere. Or the Birkenstocks, the Birkenstocks that have the covered toe, it's like those were popular 30 years ago and now every single college student and 20 something is wearing them bangs. The second I wanted curtain bangs, it's like, does everybody have curtain bangs? Suddenly everybody that I now see has curtain bangs, never even noticed them before. Or you hear a song and you tune in, you're like, oh, I love that song. That song is so cool. And suddenly you hear this song playing in every restaurant. Maybe you haven't shopped for a car, but I bet when you were looking at colleges, it's like, wait a minute.

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Does everybody have a Michigan sweatshirt? Does everybody's parents go there? Is there a sticker that says, university of Michigan on every car? Is it just me or is that the only college in town? It's the same thing. If you want to have a baby as soon as you are trying to get pregnant, you know what happens? You see kids and pregnant women everywhere. It's like there were only adults on the planet and people that weren't pregnant, and then you want a baby and boom, it's in your face. Or how about this one? You want to fall in love? What do you see? You see couples in love. It's so annoying. It happens instantaneously. You know what? That is? That phenomenon where all of a sudden overnight you see something everywhere that is your mind changing in real time. That is a filter in your brain paying attention to what it thinks you are excited about or interested in, and it's changing what it's showing you in the world around you. And here's the crazy thing about your mind, and this is why this science is so exciting when you understand it, oh my God, here's the crazy part. You ready?

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The Broncos, the bangs, the Birkenstocks, the babies, they were always there all around you. You just didn't notice them. You want to know why? Because they were not important to you. The fact that you suddenly see those things everywhere, that is an example, and it is proof that your brain wiring is changing in real time and your mind is trying to help you. Your mind is showing you the Broncos that have always been there. It's like it's highlighting it with a highlighter. Why? Because it became important to you. Why would your mind let you see things sometimes, but not others? Why are you suddenly seeing the covered toe Birkenstocks now, but you didn't see 'em for the last five years? That's a great question, and this brings us to the topic of the filter in your mind. Oh, I'm so excited for you to learn this.

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So there is a filter in your mind. It is called the reticular activating system. The reticular activating system. I'm going to call this the RAS, okay? Here's the visual because you know your friend Mel loves visuals and metaphors to make this stuff easy, I want you to imagine that there is a hairnet over your brain. This hairnet is a live network of neurons, and it is constantly changing in real time. And this RAS, this network of neuron hairnet that sits over your brain as a filter, it has one job, a very important job, mind you, the RAS has to determine in real time, I'm talking nanoseconds, what information it should allow into your conscious mind for you to see and register and what information it will block out from your conscious mind. Another way that you can think about the RAS is think about it like a bouncer in your brain.

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And the reason why you need a bouncer is because life is sort of like a very popular nightclub. Everybody wants to get in and because there's so much and so many people and so many things showing up at a very popular nightclub trying to jam their way in the door, you need a bouncer who is deciding who gets in and who has to stand in that long line, freezing their ass off in an outfit that is not appropriate for winter trying to get in. Okay, so let's go back to the example of the car and the purses and the babies and the University of Michigan stickers that you suddenly see everywhere. The truth is all that stuff, all the cars on the road, all the handbags, people have the hairstyles. It was already there. It was already in your subconscious, you quote saw it, but the RAS didn't allow you to register it.

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It shoved it right in that line. It did not let it into your conscious mind. The RAS is the bouncer. It determines what is it that is important enough to Mel Robbins that we are going to zip let it right in and have her think about it. Holy shit, there's another Bronco. I'm not getting the blue gray color now because that's like the third one I've seen today. In fact, I don't even know that if I want a Bronco anymore, and I don't think I want bangs anymore either, because it looks like every single person that I meet has bangs. This is how the bouncer in your mind works. It literally has a guest list and you're the one that writes the guest list out what is on the guest list of your mind, anything that is important to you, okay? All the other yahoos that are not on the list, all the other colleges that are on stickers on every other card, Dartmouth, Harvard Brown, university of Wittenberg, not even noticing those.

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Why? Because you're thinking about University of Michigan. So all those other college stickers, they're waiting in line. They're not getting in. That bouncer won't let him in, but boom, there's a University of Michigan short skirt. Come on, you're going in. That's how it works. And so this is super, super important and it's really exciting, okay? It's really exciting because when you understand that there's this electric hair net on your brain called the RAS that works like a bouncer at a popular nightclub, we can tell that bouncer what you want, who you want to let in. It's that simple. And there's another important reason for the RAS and why you need a bouncer, okay? And the reason is information overload. It's just impossible for the human brain to consciously process all the data that is coming in through all five senses. If you just take a second and look around, and if you're driving a car, please do not take your eyes off the road.

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But look around wherever you are right now, there is so much stuff all around you, whether it's 50 license plates on the road ahead, every single make and model of the car road signs as you're passing the speedometer, the music input coming in, feeling your rear end on the seat, the air blowing out of the vents, all that happening in a car, the perfume somebody's wearing, all that stuff is information coming into your brain. If you're sitting at a home office or you're sitting at home, think about all the books I'm looking up at our production calendar. There's all these bazillion post-it notes, and I've got Jesse standing right there, and I've got six chairs and my purse and oh, there is a kitchen towel that I just noticed on the floor of our office just laying there. I must have carried it up, just a dish towel laying there in the office. Now I'm focused on it because I put my attention on it. But your RAS cannot allow you to consciously process absolutely everything you can hear, smell, feel, taste.

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This is a live network in your brain. It changes in real time to help you see those things that are important to you. That's what you're experiencing when you suddenly see the car that you're interested in all over the road. And today, you're going to learn how to use that scientific neurological fact to your advantage because you are going to give yourself a mindset reset. So let me recap what we've learned so far because it's a lot. Number one, your mindset is like a pair of sunglasses. It filters the way you see yourself, the world, your future, absolutely everything. Your mindset triggers whether or not you take action or you don't take action at all. The second thing that you've learned is that when you change the lens through which you view the world from something pessimistic and darker to a worldview that is more rosy and action oriented, it's going to lead to a happier and more action oriented life.

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And this is according to both research and common sense. Third, you've now learned that there is this filter in your brain, this super cool thing called the reticular activating system. It changes in real time. It is flexible, it is alive. It is a network of neuron acting like a bouncer, keeping people out of your mind, letting some things in. And right now it's only acting based on what it thinks is important to you. And fourth, you have learned that when you get serious and intentional about what you want to see, whether it's babies or broncos or it's bangs, this filter in your brain will change in real time to help you achieve it. This is science. Now we're going to take a second and hear a quick word from our sponsors, but when you come back to me, I'm going to explain how your mindset is connected to that filter in your brain.

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And I have a super simple, really cool little tool that you're going to start using today to put this science around your filter to work and your brain. It's going to start working for you. We'll be right back. Okay? So lemme just set the table again. I like to do that because when I listen to podcasts and I hear all the ads, I completely forget what we've talked about by the time I get back to the show. So we've been talking about your mindset and we've also started to scratch a surface at this thing called the reticular activating system. This is that live filter in your brain that is flexible and capable of changing in a nanosecond to help you. So now I want to go a layer deeper and I want to start to apply this flexibility in your filter to changing your mindset. So let's start with this question from a listener named Peter.

Peter (00:38:51):

Hey, this is Peter from Washington. I was just wondering how do I get past my doubts and maintain a positive mindset? Thanks, Mel.

Mel Robbins (00:38:59):

Thanks Peter. So I want to focus on one aspect of your question, and that is where you said getting past your doubts.

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How does it know what's important to you? I'll tell you, I said earlier that the RAS that filter its sole job is showing you what it thinks is important to you. So it begs the question, right? Peter, if you haven't been intentional, at least you didn't think you were about telling the filter what to show you, how the hell does it know what to show you? Well, it shows you whatever you spend your time, energy, thoughts, and attention focused on. So going back to your question about self-doubt, if you doubt yourself, you put a lot of energy into doubting yourself. It's not just one thought. You probably do it all day long. Your thoughts are critical, you hesitate, you don't speak up, you hold yourself back. All of that is energy that makes your RAS think that doubting yourself is important. If you doubt yourself and you go into work, you know what happens to you at work, you don't see the 15 things that you do, right?

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You know what you obsess over the one thing you've done wrong, that one email that you sent that was a screw up, that one customer that you didn't quite do a good job with, the one thing you've done wrong is all that you can focus on. Well, when you start to doubt yourself, this is where the RAS starts to make it worse because your RAS sees you spending so much energy and mental fuel in criticizing, doubting and hesitating. And so your RAS thinks, oh my gosh, ding, ding, ding. Peter thinks it's important for him to see what's wrong. And so your RAS blocks the 15 things that you did, right? You know what you did today, Peter? You sent 32 emails. Great job. You didn't see it though. You did a great job with those five customers. You're not giving yourself credit though. You were amazing in that meeting earlier, not getting credit for that either.

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But the one email, email that bouncer's like, come to the front of the line, I'll take the email that is negative with the short skirt, and that email is getting in just like a dark pair of sunglasses, shades, everything. When you doubt yourself, it shades your mindset towards self-doubt. And then your brain gets involved when the email from your boss comes in, Hey, can you stop by my office before you leave today? How do you think Peter's RAS interprets that email if he doubts himself? I'll tell you how when he reads, can you stop by my office before you leave today? His ra s goes, oh shit. Because you've trained it to look for things that aren't right. By putting so much time and energy into focusing on your self-doubt, you are also training the filter in your brain to filter out everything that's going right and to focus only on the one thing that's going wrong, thereby magnifying the self-doubt.

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Let's go back to an earlier example. Remember that pessimistic friend sitting on the beach that's bitching that lunch hasn't come or that pessimistic relative that is bitching about the family member that's halfway across the tent. It's all they see. They can't even see the beautiful water or the happy couple or anything else good. Why? Because their pessimism is what has programmed their reticular activating system. This is how mindset and the filter in your brain get linked.