The Ultimate Toolkit for Creating New Habits: The Science Made Easy
a Solo Episode
Learn exactly how to form new habits.
Even if you think you already know everything there is to know about habits, you probably still struggle to apply this knowledge and make change stick.
Mel teaches you the 3 critical stages of forming new habits, and unpacks the brain research that explains why these parts are essential to your habit-making routine.
Start using this today, and your new habits will quickly become second nature.
Don't miss the free companion New Habits Workbook in our Downloads section!
Habits not only help you achieve goals, they change how you see yourself.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:03):
Yes, there is a way to unlock sudden change and it's called habits, and that's what we're all going to talk about today. If you're somebody who's struggling to change, maybe you're trying to become a better student or you want to be better with your money or more organized, or you'd love a rock solid morning routine, you're going to love this episode and everything you're about to learn because habits are the evidence that you see that you're becoming a different person. There are only three steps to making a habit stick. That's it, number one. Hey, I'm Mel Robbins, and if you're new to the podcast, I want to welcome you. I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the most trusted experts on behavior change and mindset in the world. I'm really glad that you're here with me, especially today because today we're talking about a topic that I'm getting a ton of questions about, like this one from Sarah.
Sarah (00:00:58):
Hey Mel, this is Sarah and I have a question. Are there actually ways to unlock sudden rapid steps to big change in a short period of time or is this a dangerous misconception?
Mel Robbins (00:01:08):
Yes, Sarah. There is a way to unlock sudden change and it's called habits, and that's what we're all going to talk about today. You and I are going to talk about the science of habits. I want to repeat Sarah's question because I want to make sure that we unpack a couple elements in it and then we're going to jump into the science of habits. So Sarah's question was this, are there ways to unlock sudden rapid steps to big change in a short period of time or is this a dangerous misconception now? I said, yes, there is a way for you to experience big change in a short period of time if you change how you view yourself. I mean, that's the biggest kind of change that you can experience when you change your identity, when you change what you believe is possible, that's transformational. Now, one of the thing that Sarah said though is she asked, is it a dangerous misconception to think that big change happens immediately?
(00:02:11):
And that brings me to the topic of habits. See, change doesn't happen overnight, but when you understand the science of habits, what you realize is that change, little change it compounds daily. And the massive change that you experience in a short period of time when you focus on habit formation is how you relate to yourself. So I'm going to give you an example. Let's say that you set a goal that this is the year that you are going to run your first marathon. You're going to train for it, you're going to finish the race. Now, it will take time, it's going to take you time to achieve that goal, but if you make it a habit to wake up every day and get out the door and go for that training run within a matter of days, something kind of crazy happens. You experience this massive change because you start to see yourself differently.
(00:03:07):
You start to see yourself as a runner. Now have you achieved that goal yet? No. That's going to take time. But the power of habits is that as you practice them, they start to change your identity, they become evidence that you are the kind of person that goes for a run. So in the beginning, habits are just something that you and I do, but over time, habits change who you are. So I'm excited for this because if you're somebody who's struggling to change, like maybe you're trying to become a better student or you want to be better with your money or more organized, or you'd love a rock solid morning routine, or how about carving out the time to put yourself first? That'd be a great habit. Or this is the year that you're going to become better at sleeping. You're going to make it a habit to go to bed earlier, or I'm seeing a lot of you writing in with questions about launching a new business.
(00:04:05):
You want to make it a habit to work on it. I see that that's awesome. You're going to love this episode and everything you're about to learn because habits are the evidence that you see that you're becoming a different person and that shows up before you achieve the goal that you set. And this is why the science is so powerful. One of the other things I want to remind you is that this episode on the Science of Habits, it's part of a month long series that I'm doing where you and I are covering the foundational topics that you need to understand and apply to your life so that you can create a better life. And just a few days ago, I released an episode on goal setting and if you've listened to it, fantastic. If you haven't listened to it, no problem. It's there. You can listen to it at any time.
(00:04:52):
Listen to it right after you finish this one. In fact, all the episodes this month work together. They stand alone, listen to 'em in any order. It's totally cool. And you're going to also see that there's a big connection between setting goals the right way according to research and how habits are an integral part of that. Today what we're going to cover is you're going to learn what a habit is. And even if you think you know what a habit is, I want you to listen because research shows that most of us think we know, but we don't actually know what a habit is or how to apply what we know to making a habit stick. The other thing that we're going to cover is the three parts of a habit. These three parts are required. This is all grounded in decades and decades of research, and you need these three parts present in order to encode that habit into your brain as a brand new automatic behavior.
(00:05:45):
And that's where real like the secret sauce comes in. We're also going to talk about how these three parts and understanding them, it's essential not only to forming new habits, but you need to understand three parts because they help you break the bad or old habits that you're tired of in your life. And here's one more thing I want to say upfront. I promise this is going to be really eyeopening and it's going to be somewhat of relief because the science of habits, everybody gets all fancy and researchy and neuroscience and psychology and biology. But the truth is habits are pretty simple.
Mel Robbins (00:06:22):
The research on habits has not changed in years and years and years and years and years, decades really, the way that I explain the science of habits is so simple that even your puppy could understand it. I'm not kidding. There are only three steps to making a habit stick.
(00:06:41):
That's it. And so even if you've listened to a bazillion episodes about habits, even if you've read a ton of books out there, I want you to stick around and stay with me on this because according to the two women that created all the research that absolutely everybody cites, you may have heard that there are three parts to the habit. Well, you can thank Dr. Ann grad at MIT and Dr. Wendy Wood at USC for creating the fact that there are three essential parts to every habit. These two researchers, they are the founders, the grandmothers of habit research. Every book that you've read is working on their research. Every podcast interview, they're talking about their research. Nothing has changed about habit research in decades. But here's the issue. Those two women will tell you even if you think you know habits, you still struggle with making behavior stick.
(00:07:36):
And so my mission today is to make this so simple that you don't have a problem implementing the research anymore because I think there's a reason why none of us implement these three essential parts of a habit even if we know about 'em. And there are two reasons why. Number one, we get all emotional about what we need to do. We know the three things that make up a habit, and yet we have feelings and opinions and all that stuff about it. That's number one. And number two, we human beings overcomplicate everything. We talk about habits. We think we're so fancy and educated, we can fly to the moon, we can drive in electric cars, we can do all these amazing things. And I think we forget that when it comes to habits. It's just these three things. It has nothing to do with your feelings.
(00:08:32):
It has nothing to do with how smart you are. In fact,
Mel Robbins (00:08:35):
Dr. Wendy Woods says almost nobody understands what habits are. And so you may know the definition, you may know the three things that you're about to learn, but when you are put to the test or you actually able to make changes and get them to stick, no, not really. So Dr. Wendy Wood has determined that almost everybody gets this wrong, which is why we're going to simplify this. So let's just start with the basics. What is a habit? A habit is something that you do so often that it's automatic. That's it. That's all that a habit is. That's no drama, there's no resistance, there's no feelings involved in it. I like to think about it like a habit is something that you do that you don't even think about and you certainly don't put up a fight about it, right?
(00:09:28):
Here's some examples of habits in your life, brushing your teeth, looking over your right shoulder when you're backing up in the car or if you're in the us, that's what you do for our fans of the podcast over in the uk, you're probably looking over the left shoulder. You don't even think about that. Do you got to back up. You just turn and look. You get something to eat when you're hungry. That's a habit. You check email first thing in the morning. That's a habit. When you hear your name, don't you turn your head and look in the direction of it. That's a habit. Why are habits awesome? I'll tell you why habits are awesome because when a behavior becomes automatic,
Mel Robbins (00:10:05):
There's zero drama in your life. It's just so much easier. I'll give you my husband. The man is Mr. Habit. He just rolls out of bed like nothing's happened. He gets up, he gets stressed, he meditates, he goes to the gym, he walks the dog, he journals, he does it automatically. No drama. There are certainly areas of my life where I would love to be less dramatic, less emotional, less resistant to the things that I want to do. I'd love to just sort of roll through it like my husband does. And so let's you and I, let's not just make this a conversation. Let's move from listening to doing.
(00:10:49):
If I could take a science-backed magic wand and I could remove all the resistance that you feel in your body, what is one behavior change that you would like to make? One new habit. Or sometimes it's easier to say, what's a bad habit you'd like to break, teach, chew your nails. Do you hit the snooze button five times said in the positive, what's a new habit you'd like to create? Would you like to exercise every day? Do you want to get your finances in order and be more responsible with money? I'm going to give you a few examples. Okay? Would you love to be the kind of person where part of your routine is to get outside and exercise every day? Or how about the kind of person who keeps your room or your desk clean or you have a zero inbox, that'd be pretty awesome.
(00:11:55):
Would you like to be the kind of person that gets up 30 minutes earlier than you do right now, just rolls right out of bed like my husband does? Or how about the kind of person who feels comfortable in social settings? You push yourself out there a little bit more. You push through that discomfort, you feel a little bit more outgoing. Maybe you want to make it a habit to meditate and feel like you're the kind of person that's more mindful. That's where the science of habits is so important. And so now that you've kind of stopped to think, what's a habit I want to break? Or what's a behavior change I want to make the kind of person I want to become. I have a free worksheet that's a companion to this episode that you can download. You can go to mel robbins.com/habits and it will serve as a guide to this episode.
(00:12:42):
It's going to help you apply everything that we talk about in this episode. Now, why do habits matter so much? I'll tell you why. Habits matter. You've learned one reason, and that has to do with identity, right? But the real reason why habits matter is because learning new habits are the only way to go from what your day-to-day life looks like right now to something different. It's the only way. It's the bricks on the pathway to changing your life. That's what habits are. And habits are evidence. Every time that you get out that door and you go for the run, it's evidence that you are becoming a particular type of person. The other reason why habits are so important is because they make your life easier. I mean, I want you to just stop and consider something. Think about how hard it is to be the kind of person who has a habit of hitting the snooze button four or five times every morning and then you drag yourself out of bed.
(00:13:50):
That's a habit. And you start your day chronically late. That's a habit. I used to do this. I used to do this. This was the Mel Robbins that you did not know. I was a chronic snooze button hitter. I would drag myself out of bed. By the time I got out of bed, the kids had missed the bus. I started the day behind. It was a nightmare. It was so hard to have that bad habit. And in order to change, I needed to become a different person. I needed to become a person that got up when the alarm rang, that had a morning routine, and that organized my morning so that I would begin the day with a sense of accomplishment. That's what I wanted instead of beginning the day like I was behind and I was already failing before I got out of bed.
(00:14:36):
And the gateway to making that change is changing your habits in the morning. When you have habits that support you and your goals and the kind of person you want to become, your life gets easier. And that's why habits truly matter. Sure, you could muscle your way out of bed every morning. You could drag yourself to the gym. You could berate yourself endlessly until you got more motivated and aggressive and vocal at work. But that change is never going to stick. It's never going to become automatic. It's never going to become who you are. Why? Because you're forcing yourself. You're relying on willpower and brute force to push through the bad habits that you have of sleeping in or staying silent or blowing things off for procrastinating. And that's where these three steps come in. What I'm going to teach you today doesn't require willpower.
(00:15:32):
You're going to learn how to use science to make new behavior a part of your wiring, this resistance thing. It is so important, and I think we underestimate how much bad habits are in our life and running our lives and how it's making your life harder. So I'm going to give you a simple example of a habit that I currently have so that I can really unpack this resistance thing. So I have a habit of making a cup of coffee every single morning. I love my morning coffee, I do, and I can, and it is so automatic. I don't have to think about it. I know how to work the coffee machine. I know how to work the milk farmer. I know exactly where the coffee pods are. I can literally be doing 15 other things while I make a cup of coffee. That's how automatic of a habit it is.
(00:16:19):
It is easy. I don't even think about it. What if I told you that you could make any change in behavior, feel as effortless as making a cup of coffee? Wouldn't that be cool? I mean, I don't stand in front of the coffee maker and go, oh, it's raining outside. I don't want any coffee. I don't feel like it today. I'm too tired. I don't want to, no, it's a habit. So I just do it. And I'm saying this because this is what the research says. The research says when you apply the three things that you're about to learn to every behavior change, whether it's breaking an old habit or learning a new one, you'll make your life easier. Another thing that's important for you to hear is that successful people based on the research from UPenn, they're not smarter than you. They don't have more willpower than you.
Mel Robbins (00:17:09):
You know what they have? They have what Chris has, my husband. They just put in the work to create better habits that make them feel successful and make their life easier. And the more you apply what you're about to learn, the more behavior change you can stack along the way, you can create a chain of behavior change. It's so cool. Just like Chris rolls out of bed and walks into the bathroom and brushes his teeth and doesn't even think about it, and then gets on his exercise, clothes, then goes and meditate. That's a chain of behavior. That's a chain of habits. He doesn't even think about it because every new habit that you want to create, it's the exact same three-step process. I telling you, do not overcomplicate this. Do not think you're fancy. Whether you want to break a bad habit or you want to encode new ones, let's not overcomplicate this.
(00:17:59):
And I know what you're thinking, Mel, if this is so simple, why is it so hard to get to the gym? Why can I not stop emotional eating? Why am I chewing my nails? Why is it easy to talk about it but hard to make it stick? Just accept at face value what you're about to learn. You and I learn new behavior the exact same way a new puppy does, and I'm going to prove it to you. Not everything in life needs to be so hard or so complicated. So let's all just take a deep breath because we're about to make habits easy. And this is why, by the way, the research shows that nobody understands how to apply the research because we read, oh, it's just these three steps. And we're like, no, no, no, no, it can't be. We want to think that we're special, but no, we're not. You are like a puppy, and this is why it's so hard to accept the truth and you want to know something crazy. So right before I came up here to talk to you about habits, honest to goodness, you know what I was doing? I was standing in my kitchen with my family of five and we were in the middle of a dog training session.
(00:19:01):
I'm not making this up. We have a three-year-old Australian shepherd named Yolo and a five month old puppy named home. And homey needs new habits. Homey is not going to go from being a puppy to a beautifully trained dog without us training him. You are the same way as homey right now. There are areas of your life where you are doing whatever the hell you want to do, just like my puppy is. And you and I are going to go back to obedience school, back to the basics. That's what habits are about. And as I was sitting there watching this training session with our two dogs, I'm thinking, holy smokes. It really is this simple. So I had this epiphany and I just turned to Caroline Edgar from Grateful Dogs, and
Mel Robbins (00:19:47):
I said, would you be willing to come upstairs with me because I'm about to do something about habits and you training these dogs is making me realize everything I was about to say to the humans is the exact same thing that you do to the dogs. And so she came up here. So here I am talking with Caroline. I am so blown away right now that I kidnapped Caroline from our family dog training session. And she's like, wait, what? You're going to put me on the podcast? You could have given me some warning. Mel, I'm just so blown away by how training dogs, or at least how you train new behaviors in dogs, is the exact same steps, sequence and science in how human beings learn new habits and behaviors.
Caroline Edgar (00:20:45):
I often have people say, can I train my husband this way? And I'm like, yeah, you actually can with a clicker, positive reinforcement. Just reinforce what you like.
Mel Robbins (00:20:54):
There it is right there. Reinforce what you like. Learning new habits is dead simple. And let's just stay on this puppy analogy for a minute before we jump into all the big science. How do you make it a habit for a puppy to sit? I mean, it doesn't just automatically sit. You have to train the puppy to do a new pattern. So let's stop and think about this because it's the exact same way you train yourself to do any new habit. First of all, you have to identify the thing that you want to do. And for me, with our puppy homie, when I say the word sit, I want him to put his butt on the ground. The second thing that you need to do is identify a treat. What's your milkbone? Because that dog is not going to sit on the ground unless I reward him for doing what I want him to do.
(00:21:55):
And finally, you got to think about what is the command or the physical thing that you're going to do that will trigger this positive new behavior pattern? That's it. That's how you teach a dog to sit. You come up with the command, which is basically a trigger or a cue that is signaling, okay, time to put your butt on the ground. That's the behavior pattern. And then you give them a milkbone, a reward. And the more that you repeat this and the more you reward the dog for doing what you want it to do, guess what? The faster it becomes a habit. I am really serious about this because remember I said there are two things that are getting in the way of you taking this very well-documented research that you need to cue the new behavior. You need to do the new behavior. Then you need to reward the new behavior.
(00:22:47):
And the thing that's getting in your way of just doing this is that you got a lot of emotions and opinions about the things you need to do. And so you think it's complicated to work on your business and so you don't do it or you're like, do I don't feel like going to the gym? It's not that complicated. It's actually simple. It's like training a puppy. Thank God our puppy home can't talk because I'm sure if he could, he'd be like, you and I are, but I don't feel like sitting out right now, but I don't want to. No, let's make this as simple as training a puppy. And I'm doing this not because this is kind of funny, ha ha ha. I'm doing this because this is actually what the research says. The research is as plain as day. You need three things.
(00:23:31):
You need to cue the new behavior. You need the behavior pattern that you want to repeat, and you need to reward the behavior. That's it. That's what Dr. Wendy Wood says. And this is what every book on the planet is teaching you. And this is what the science says. There is a three-step process, and this three-step process is critical. And so on the episode today,
Mel Robbins (00:23:53):
We are going to go step by step by step through all three steps until you get this. You get this in your being because these three steps are how you go from a life of hitting the snooze alarm four times to a life where you have a rock solid morning routine. You have to think about the new behavior, how you're going to trigger that and what the reward is going to be. That's it. That's it. So let's start with part one.
(00:24:21):
That is the cue. You'll also hear this called the trigger. You'll hear this called the signal, the command, whatever you want to call it is fine with me. This is just the thing that is signaling that it is time to do the new behavior. And I'm going to stick with the example of the puppy because I really want you to get that this is all there is to habits. We can layer on all the emotion and all the opinions about it, but it boils down to these three things. So part one, if I want to teach the puppy this new behavior of learning how to sit, the cue is very simple. You say the word sit. Another thing that I could do is I could raise my hand in the air silently. Simple, right? That's how you teach a dog to sit. You got to cue the behavior, otherwise it doesn't know that it wants me to do it.
(00:25:17):
Simple. Same with you. You got to trigger any new habit. Part number two, the new behavior. So the new behavior is literally, I want our dog to make it a habit to put his rear end on the floor when I either raise my fist or I say sit. That's it. And so I can do that one of two ways. I can either take a treat and lift it up towards its nose in the sky, and then as he lifts his nose up, his rear end will naturally sit down. Or as I say the word sit, I can gently help him put his rear end on the floor. There's part two, the behavior pattern, part three, and this is essential because this is what makes the behavior automatic. This is the part that locks it into your brain and encodes it. You have to treat the behavior immediately, immediately.
(00:26:13):
Now, for a dog, what I learned downstairs in the kitchen this morning is that you have to do it within seconds, literally within seconds. With you and me, we're going to dig into this more deeply when we really unpack rewards, is you and I, based on the research, we have to reward ourselves within two minutes of finishing the new behavior. And the treat really, really matters because what's happening when you do this is you're associating in the brain, the cue or the word sit with a milkbone. That's what's happening. This is going to become a habit in my dog to sit when he hears the word sit, not because he hears the word sit, but because the second he hears it, he starts thinking about the reward. That's why this works. That's how this encodes in the brain. The reward is critical. And here's what we do as human beings.
(00:27:10):
We get so emotional about this stuff that we focus on the thing we're supposed to do. Why can't I just journal? Why can't I stop eating bread? Why is it that I always put myself last? Why can't I just be consistent with this thing? And you're missing the two most important parts. It's not about the journaling everybody. It's about getting smart about this three-part system, how you're going to trigger the positive behavior of journaling every single morning, and what reward are you going to give yourself within two minutes of finishing it? What's your milkbone? This is why habits matter, because you and I are busy setting goals and wanting to change behavior, but we're only focusing on behavior and we're not thinking about the science. See, you're not dumb, you're not stupid, you're not any less capable. You just need to simplify this and really focus on how you cue new behavior in yourself.
(00:28:02):
And more importantly, how are you going to reward this? I promised you that I am going to make this habit research as simple and as effortless as a cup of coffee so that you don't think about it, so that you just sit down and you journal. Because guess what? You're the kind of person that does that because it's a habit. Now, what I want to do is drill down even more on the cue, how you're going to trigger behavior and the reward, and let's focus on what this means for human beings. And so let's start with the cue or what a lot of researchers call the trigger for new behavior.
Mel Robbins (00:28:41):
Anytime you hear somebody talk about a trigger, whether it's habit research or trauma or whatever, a trigger is something that signals to your brain that it's time for you to engage in this pattern of behavior.
(00:28:54):
And honestly, there's already a lot of behavior in your life that is being triggered and you don't even realize it. If you're the kind of person, for example, that makes a cup of coffee every morning without even thinking about it, the morning is triggering a cup of coffee. The morning is triggering this habit of making a cup of coffee. If you're like, I used to be, it's six o'clock time to have a glass of wine, six o'clock is triggering a cup of coffee. And when you think about your own behavior change, there are six types of triggers that are right now triggering behavior in you and that you can think about using proactively. When you identify the new habits that you want to create, the first trigger is sound. Now obviously I just talked about this with Yolo and homie, but the word sit, boom, that can trigger the action of sitting on the ground.
(00:29:53):
A whistle can trigger the action of a dog coming to you, but it's also true for you. That sound that you hear when you turn on Netflix, right? And it makes you go like, Ooh, okay, and you settle in. That's a sound trigger. They're literally creating association with that sound with a positive feeling of sitting on that couch for a couple hours and zoning out. You're ready for tv, time of day. I've already talked about this. Time of day is a humongous trigger. So the morning triggers you to do a certain number of things. The evening triggers you to do things like have a glass of wine or start making dinner. A third trigger for behavior is location, location, location. It's very easy to stick to your habits in your own home because your home where you live, it triggers a certain routine when you go visit somebody, when you go to your parents' house, when you're off on vacation, isn't it interesting that within three or four days you just feel off, your routine is off, you're itching to get back home. Well, the reason why is because that location that you're now in is different than the location that triggers your old routine. You don't feel like exercising because you're at your mother's house. And another thing is sometimes you can be at your house and it's almost like it sucks you in and you don't feel motivated to work on your book or to do whatever or to jump on an online class. But boy, you feel different when you walk into a different location. Don't you like a gym?
(00:31:32):
Another trigger is an emotional state. A lot of you are writing to me about how you have goals of becoming a healthier eater this year, and you're probably aware that your emotions of sadness or boredom or feeling tired, that that emotion is triggering you to make you reach for something. When I'm frustrated, for example, that emotion, it triggers a habit I don't like, which is snapping at my kids. And I also learned today in the dog training class, check this out. This is true for dogs too. There's a difference between the skills you're learning and the emotional state you're trying to master. And believe it or not, your pets have emotional states that interfere with their ability to access the skills that they're learning. So just like you get emotional and the wheels go off, the same thing happens with your pets. That's why even though I'm trying to train my dog Yolo to be quiet when people arrive, that's a new habit we're working on.
(00:32:29):
When he gets really overwhelmed, he just starts barking. And so your emotions are huge triggers right now. They're huge triggers, probably for bad habits, but we can start to use that trigger of emotion to develop new habits. And finally, the fifth one is other people that you're around. I know that you know that your circle matters, but I want you to just think about how much this matters. Let's say you are somebody that wants to exercise every single day. That's a huge thing for people, right? Oh, I even got a better one. Let's say that you're somebody who really wants to make it a habit to be more organized this year.
(00:33:09):
Tell me, does a person who is living with roommates who are complete and utter slobs, we're talking days of dishes in the sink, coats strewn all over the main area of the apartment, their stuff is everywhere. The bathroom's disgusting. Now think about a person that lives with roommates who are OCD clean. Who do you think is going to have an easier time making a habit of staying organized? That's right. The person that's surrounded by people who support that change. And the final trigger are things in your environment. So for example, I love post-it notes because post-it notes can be a trigger for a positive habit. And I can give you an example. Mr. Noodle, our cat, when he gets upset or angry or gets locked out of his room, he likes to go into this bathroom upstairs and pee in the corner. It's disgusting. I know, but he's mad at me. So he has this bad habit of doing this and acting out when the door is closed. He can't do it. Nobody's going to remember to close the door. So I put a little trigger in the environment, a post-it note that says, keep the door closed, because I'm trying to signal a new habit in everybody around here in closing the door.
(00:34:33):
Now, I love triggers and I love focusing on triggers because triggers and thinking about how do I cue this behavior? How do I make it easier for myself? How do I make the thing that I'm supposed to do obvious like that Post-it note that says Close the door. When you focus on triggers, you can now hack habits. And this is such an enormous topic with so many tools and takeaways that we're going to dedicate the next episode in this series to the science of hacking habits and using triggers to make habits easier and obvious.
Mel Robbins (00:35:12):
Okay? And there's a lot of this in that free worksheet, in your free worksheet, mel robbins.com/habits that will help you figure out triggers both positive and negative. But the bottom line is no trigger, no habit, no q, no habit. And by the way, triggers are why bad habits are so hard to break. And here's why. Let's say that like me, maybe you're participating in a month of not drinking, okay?
(00:35:48):
We can't get rid of 6:00 PM at night. If you have a habit of pouring a glass of wine every night at 6:00 PM 6:00 PM ain't going away. And so you need to know that when 6:00 PM rolls around, when that sun goes down, when that clock strikes six, guess what's going to happen? You are going to be triggered to repeat your old habit because what does a habit have? It has a trigger, it has a behavior. Drink that glass of wine, and then it has a reward that feels good. You can't get rid of 6:00 PM which is why when it comes to replacing behavior, you have to anticipate the trigger and replace the behavior. Here's another one. When somebody starts cooking dinner, don't you feel hungry? Or when somebody starts making a snack in the kitchen, don't you feel like you want a snack? Me too. We cannot take away the things that trigger our current habits.
(00:36:54):
You're never going to get over the fact that an alarm's going to go off in the morning. New habits allow you to change your response to existing triggers. That's where this gets exciting. And the other thing that's exciting about triggers and why we're going to dedicate the entire next episode around it is because when you get proactive about creating triggers, post-it notes, visual cues, surrounding yourself with the right people, now you're using triggers to your advantage. I got a trigger I'm about to tell you. We're going to take a quick break for our sponsors. I bet there's something you do automatically. Don't skip the ads. Let's have a new behavior. They're supporting the show because we're going to be right back and when we return, I got a great reward for you. We're going to jump deep into that third part of all behavior change, and that is the reward and how you use it and what researchers say about it so that you lock in these new habits.
(00:37:51):
Welcome back. I'm so glad you're here with me. We just talked about the three parts of a habit, which are the cue or trigger, the behavior you need to repeat and the reward.
Mel Robbins (00:38:03):
And as promised, now we're going to go deep into this third essential part, and that is the reward. You have to have a reward. The research is so clear on this, and this goes not only for human beings, but also for puppies. Here's what our trainer from Grateful Heart has to say about the importance of a reward. So Caroline, is it possible to teach a dog a new behavior without a reward?
Caroline Edgar (00:38:30):
No. No. There's got to be a reward of some kind. So it doesn't need to be food. It could be personal play, it can even be the environment. It could even be something as much as if they check in with me, you can say Free, you're off leash, run through the field, have fun. Environmental rewards go sniff. Often I use that with my dogs, like they come in and they check in with me, and I'm like, yeah, go get it.
Mel Robbins (00:38:55):
This is essential. Let's just take the puppy. When you repeat the command, right? So you've got this trigger down, which means lie down and your dog does it, and then you hand them a milk bone, you are fusing the command, the trigger down with the reward, and that's how the behavior becomes automatic. That's it. Now look for you. I don't want you eating a milkbone. That's not the reward. And for some habits, it's easier to lock them in place because there's an innate reward. So for example, brushing your teeth, that's a very easy habit to get into. Why? Because the reward is that your mouth doesn't feel like it's got shag carpeting on it anymore or using dryer sheets. Why is that easy to kind of remember to do well? Because it's a really nice reward when you pull things out of the dryer and you don't get an electric shock or when you buy things.
(00:39:47):
This is why some bad habits are very easy to learn when you buy something. The reward is both the thrill of the purchase, and if you bought it online, you get a second reward because the new thing arrives at your door. This also explains why coffee, alcohol, things that we kind of get addicted to, they're pretty potent habits, aren't they? Because the reward is the second that you sip it, you feel good, the reward is innate, but for other habits, you have to add an external reward because the reward is what gives you a bit of dopamine. When my puppy gets the milkbone or it gets a pat on the head, or it gets a little tug of war play, it gets a reward of dopamine. That motivation and drive chemical is what locks in the behavior is automatic. It creates what researchers call a habit loop.
(00:40:42):
So when you text a friend a photo after you finish something and they text you back, boom, dopamine. That's why you make it a habit to text your friends. It feels good when they text back. When you have a little piece of chocolate, I have one every day, right around two. It's a little bit of a habit. I feel The two o'clock strike, boom, where's my chocolate boom? The dopamine hits. That's my reward. It's a habit. When you watch a funny video, why do we waste so much time watching funny memes? And every time that you laugh dopamine, you get a reward. That's why you keep strolling, by the way, because you might just get another reward. You keep seeking out the behavior. This is why the reward is so important, and most of us are just kind of hoping we feel better. You need to hack behavior change by thinking about what is your milkbone going to be?
(00:41:31):
And let me use a very common habit that people want to lock into place to explain this exercising more. So for some of you, maybe this is you simply the thrill of the post-workout endorphin. It's enough of a reward, not for me. I'm going to tell you a story about me trying to create a habit of exercising five days a week, and why the reward was the only reason why it happened. Okay? So this was in 2019. I was a brand new TV talk show host, and I was living during the week in a hotel in New York City as we were taping the show. And it was really important to me because this job was super stressful that I figured out how to get exercise in every single day. Now, here's the rub. The job of being a TV host required me to be at the CBS Broadcast Center by seven o'clock in the morning.
(00:42:31):
And most nights, I worked until at least seven o'clock at night. So I knew that I was not going to have the energy to exercise at night, and I also knew that if I was going to actually make it to that studio by seven o'clock every morning, ready to go, ready to work, ready to tape a TV show, I had to be exercising by five 30 in the morning. I dunno about you, but I am not the kind of person that loves to just spring right out of bed. I'm not like my husband. I do not roll right out of bed. And so the thought of getting out of bed and being in my exercise tights and standing in an exercise class at five 30 in the morning, this is a whole new Mel Robbins, and I also know myself well enough to know that there was no way in hell I was going to get myself down to a gym in the hotel and motivate myself at that hour, that I actually needed a class where somebody was going to be yelling at me if I planned on moving and exercising.
(00:43:26):
And so that means that I not only needed to be up at five 30 in that class, I had to be up at like five o'clock in the morning in order to get dressed, leave the hotel, get to a class that was actually happening somewhere in New York City at five 30 in the morning. And so I knew that if
Mel Robbins (00:43:43):
I was going to do that, there were certain triggers that I needed to do. So I have a problem. I want to exercise. I want to be the kind of person that exercises every day. So how do I make it a habit to do this when I am not that person? I am not the person that wants to get out of bed. My habits say I sleep in my habits, say I'm too tired. My habits say that's way too early. How do I become that person?
(00:44:09):
Well, how you become that person is you use the three steps we've been talking about. You need a trigger and you need the reward, the behavior part that's easy to identify. Get your ass to the gym. What is the trigger? Well, I came up with two. Trigger. Number one was I would sign up for a class the night before I would sign up because I was committed to doing this for my mental health, and so that I would perform at the highest level in this new job. So that's number one. I'd sign up ahead of time because then I'd felt a sense of obligation. The second thing that I would do is I would lay out my clothes on the floor, just like your mom might've done when you were a little kid. I would lay out the clothes the night before so that the second I woke up and I thought, Ugh,
(00:45:04):
I would see those clothes and those clothes were a trigger to get out of bed because for me, I'm not the kind of person like my husband. When that alarm goes off at five o'clock in the morning, I'm not rolling out of bed and going, I know when I'm done with this, I'm going to feel better, so I'm going to go, no, I complicate things. I'm overwhelmed. I'm dramatic. I don't feel like it. But as I lean over to turn off the alarm alone in my hotel room at five o'clock in the morning and I don't feel like exercising and it's pitch black there like a giant middle finger on the floor from the future, Mel Robbins are my exercise closed, laying on the floor that my friend is a trigger. Another cue is that since I have registered for the class, there is a text in my phone from the class reminding me that I registered another giant middle finger from the future Mel Robbins.
(00:46:01):
That's the trigger. That's queing the behavior. Get your ass out of bed, pull those tights on, get your coat on, get your sneakers on, and walk those 10 blocks to that exercise class woman because you are the kind of person that exercises in the morning, even though you don't feel like it. Now, this is where the reward comes in. This is where things get really interesting, and this is where the neuroscience kicks in. So I've explained a quick trigger, the close on the floor and registering the night before the reward is essential. So the very first morning that I went to this exercise class, I got there very proud of myself, but knowing I'd be proud of myself, not enough of an award for Mel Robbins after the exercise class, so now it's six 30 in the morning, I'm walking back to the hotel and there is a coffee shop and I walk in, and it's not just any coffee shop.
(00:47:06):
It's one of those New York City coffee shops that it looks like in a Kia store. It's very sterile and it's got basically all white walls and a giant espresso machine that looks like an aircraft carrier. And the person that's making the coffee clearly from Brooklyn because he has a beard and he's got one of those aprons on that have the leather straps to it, and you just know this is going to be the damn cup of coffee you've ever had. And then right next to it, oh my God, there was a pile of breakfast burritos. They were about the size of, I'm trying to think about what size, this would be, a little bit bigger than a man's wallet. And they were wrapped in foil and they had been made by somebody who probably doesn't even have a commercial kitchen license. They were made by a woman that drops 'em off and they just looked like homemade amazingness, the kind of thing that comes from somebody that they make 'em with love.
(00:48:03):
They're not making 50,000 burritos, they're making 50, and they're dropping 'em off right there. So I bought this burrito and I leave this coffee shop and I unfold the burrito and it's dripping down my hand. And I go and I take a bite, and it is one of those burritos that is like that moist gummy feeling on the flour tortilla because it's been steamed and just the cheese is melted with the Zo. I can't even say the sausage and the cheese. It was magic in my mouth, just absolutely fantastic. Okay, that was my reward. I got a cup of coffee and a burrito. Enough with the burrito, Mel? No, actually the burrito matters. The burrito matters more than anything because let me tell you what happened. The very next morning, the very next morning, the alarm rings. There are my tights on the floor like a middle finger, and there is the text triggers get out of bed.
(00:49:00):
But you know what? My mind immediately thought of the burrito. The burrito was my milkbone. The burrito fused this new habit in my brain. The reward is everything I'm telling you, the reward is everything. It's the milkbone of habits. Because what happens in the science with a habit loop is that when you can find a reward that really makes you feel good, that you feel a sense of accomplishment, the way your brain works is that the habit loop forms by associating the trigger, which is the tights on the floor with the reward, you don't even think about the exercise. Just like my dog doesn't even think about sitting, doesn't even think about running to me when I yell his name and I say, come, he's thinking about the milkbone. And so this is the science that makes it easy. I told you I was going to make this so simple that a dog would understand, and I also told you that I was going to make this so easy that you can apply it immediately, that you would be able to figure out how to create behavior change in your life that is as effortless as making a cup of coffee every single morning.
(00:50:23):
And I'm going to tell you something, it took me about four to five mornings before that alarm went off, and I didn't look at those tights. It was a middle finger saying, you're going to have to exercise, Mel. It took me four or five mornings before I looked at those tights and I was like, oh yeah, it's burrito time bitches. Let's go. Oh, I got to stop by this stupid exercise class first. But this is such powerful science. And what's also interesting about the neuroscience here is that you know what I was thinking about as I was exercising? I wasn't thinking about the fact that my butt cheeks were shaking or that I hated being there, or that I was sweating in inappropriate places and my tights were too light of a color. No, I was thinking about that coffee shop that looked like a Kia, that espresso machine that was the size of a New York City bus and the gooey, chewy, amazing burrito that I was going to have when I was done exercising.
(00:51:21):
That's what I was thinking about. So whatever new habit you have, whether you just want to drink more water with your meals or you want to spend more time working on your goals, or you want to feel more organized, you have to take time to think about not only the trigger, but what is a reward that really matters to you. This is so important because positive reinforcement is what we're talking about. And I'm willing to bet any area of your life where you're trying to make a behavior change stick, you have no reward or worse, you're punishing yourself. You're saying, I'm not doing enough. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just sit down and write? Why can't I get my bills paid? Why can't I do this? That's negative reinforcement. And just like with a puppy, this is going to backfire on you. So I want to bring Caroline from Grateful Dogs back to the conversation because I asked her about this. What happens if you don't give a puppy a milkbone? What happens if you do what I often see people doing, whereas they call a dog to them and then beat it or yell at it or scream at it. What happens when you don't do positive reinforcement? Check this out. Can you describe what happens to a dog if they're getting negative reinforcement? They're getting hit, they're getting yelled at, they're getting put in a cage, they're getting just a yank on the leash
Caroline Edgar (00:53:02):
So they're getting suppressed. So I always think of it as the kids in school where they're like, oh, oh, I know, I know, I know. And then they are either made fun of or they get the wrong answer. They're made to feel badly. They're no longer offering that right? Very quickly. We teach kids to just kind of suck it up. And same thing happens with animals. So animals that have been suppressed in some way, whether positive punishment or too much management, depending on the animal, because some animals are very resilient and can find other ways of expressing themselves. But often you get what's called learned helplessness where they just go through not knowing what to do. So they stop doing everything altogether. And often you'll also get it morph into something else. So if the dog goes charging to the door and we yell at them, often what you'll get, you're pairing a negative consequence with someone walking through the door. So suddenly that person coming through the door makes everything unsafe. You're normally a pretty stable person, but when someone comes through the door, you start yelling or grabbing the dog by the scruff, then we've created an association with that person walking through the door and negative consequences. So you'll actually get more aggression or more fear-based behaviors, and some dogs will just shut down and you, they're just sort of deadpan. I don't know what to do, so I won't do anything.
Mel Robbins (00:54:41):
I think you just explained human behavior. No,
Caroline Edgar (00:54:44):
I'm serious. Closely related. Yeah,
Mel Robbins (00:54:47):
Because we often are trying hard to change, and at the end of trying hard, we beat ourselves up internally because it wasn't enough or we didn't do it right or blah, blah, blah. Which that idea of suppressing the desire to learn or the desire to try that learned helplessness that we create in ourselves because of the way we talk to ourselves is we're doing our best.
(00:55:14):
Whereas the solutions very obvious. It's rewarding the incremental positive attempts to try, which only makes you want to try more. And I know I hammer this point about you need to be kinder to yourself, but I think that it's also part of habit formation. You're never going to make it a habit to exercise if you're constantly trashing yourself for not doing it or for not doing it enough, that's not a positive reward. Why would you want to journal? If at the end of it you're like, well, that was hard. You wouldn't, that's not how your brain works. That's not how training an animal works. That's not how human psychology or neuroscience works. You have to have a positive reward. And so this brings me back to you and what you are thinking about changing and how you're going to apply this simple research to making this new behavior pattern a habit, to have it go from something you're practicing and doing to evidence that you're becoming a person who runs.
(00:56:16):
You're becoming a person who's organized. You're becoming a person who is a writer. You're not journaling every day. You're a person that's very mindful and that has discipline. And I know you're now thinking, okay, Mel, I think I got it. I got the trigger and the cue. I can't wait for the next episode to go deeper in that I got the behavior pattern and I got the fact that I got to focus on a reward.
Mel Robbins (00:56:39):
How long is this going to take before it's as easy as making a cup of coffee? So we have all been told that it takes 21 days to form a new habit, and it is complete horseshit. Okay? It's not true. And there's an important reason why you have to understand that habit formation is deeply personal and it has nothing to do with you. Habit formation has way more to do with the context and surroundings and the resistance that you have to the behavior that you're trying to implement.
(00:57:20):
You and I are not robots. We are human beings. And so number one, when you miss a day, if you beat yourself up or you get impatient and you start to bail and you feel this resistance, it's going to take a lot longer. If you've been exercising and schlepping to the gym for 21 days and you're going, why do I still hate this? Why have I drinking the water for 34 days? And I still hate this. This isn't working, Mel, this is, I want to tell you something. There was a study done in the European Journal of Social Psychology, and the study is entitled, how Are Habits Formed? The lead researcher is a professor by the name of Philippa Lolly from the University of College of London, and her research shows that it takes between 18 and 254 days to form a habit. And when I say form a habit, that means you do it without resistance.
(00:58:11):
You do it without bitching. You do it without really thinking about it. That's how long it took people in this study to form a habit, which means they removed the resistance to it and now it just became part of who they do, part of who they are. They take a walk every night after dinner. They always have tea in the morning. They get out of bed when the alarm rings. They take their inbox to zero every day. That's how long it took. And I want to just give you one other example because context matters. Context matters. If you wanted to get your finances in order, who is going to have an easier time making it a habit to get their finances in order? Someone that is surrounded by people that spend everything that they earn and live beyond their means and go out every night.
(00:59:11):
Or someone who has friends that are putting money away, that cook in that pay their bills that are interested in the stock market and are learning about it. When you are in an environment that is supporting the change, there's less resistance. When you have a great reward for why you're doing something, there's less resistance. When you are highly motivated to make this change and you're surrounded by supportive people, there's less resistance. When you are having a fun time doing this change, A great reward by the way for exercising is do it with a friend. Because when you wake up in the morning, you won't think about the walk you're taking. You're going to think about the moment you see your friend, when you make it easier, when you make it more fun, when you think about the rewards, when it has deep meaning for you, when you surround yourself or put yourself in an environment where it's supporting the change, you'll be on the 18 day end instead of the 254 day end.
(01:00:15):
That's why there's such a huge variation, and that's really good news because it means that you have the ability to use what you just learned to focus on. How am I going to trigger this behavior and make it easier? What is the behavior change that I really want to make? Because it makes me see myself differently. I want to be a runner. I want to be an organized person. I want to be a happier person. I want to be a musician. I want to be an entrepreneur. All of these things that you want to change, you absolutely have the ability to do it, but that behavior change is going to be dependent on you. It's dependent upon why you want to do it, how you're going to trigger yourself, what environment you're going to put yourself in, and how you're going to reward yourself every single time that you engaged in the behavior. The second I stop treating my dog for sitting, you know what's going to happen. He's going to stop listening.
(01:01:13):
That's what's going to happen, and I don't think that makes him a bad dog. You can pick up behavior fast. You absolutely can. If we go back to Sarah's question, behavior change and drastic change can happen very quickly because the change in how you see yourself can happen quickly. The resistance to doing it, to achieving the goal, that's going to take some time. And here's one other thing that Dr. Lolly discovered that I think is really good news. This is amazing. Missing a day based on the research does not materially affect the habit formation process period. Missing a day does not materially affect the habit formation process. So let's just say that you are trying to make it a habit to get outside and to look at bright light first thing in the morning for 10 minutes. Okay? Let's say you miss three days and you're like, ah, that's it. I can't do anything. I always bail on everything I try. I am a failure.
(01:02:19):
Guess what? Get that stupid notion in your head that you got to do it for 21 days straight. You got to be an Ironman, you got to be a robot. You got to be a Navy seal. It's complete bullshit. The 15 days that you've already put in, guess what? It's already started plowing new neural pathways in your mind. You're already 15 days on the path to behavior change. You didn't lose progress. You're not back at zero. You have not impacted the habit formation process. So if you're somebody who has spent a lifetime beating yourself up, starting to change, ending the change, starting the change, ending the change, starting the change, beating yourself up, you're like that kid who doesn't want to raise their hand in class anymore, or you're like that dog that constantly got screamed at when it did something wrong. You've made it a habit of giving up.
(01:03:20):
And don't forget, you can go deeper into everything that we discussed today at mel robbins.com/habits. And in the very next episode, we are going to walk through simple science supported hacks and tools and strategies that will help you make the change stick. We're going to talk about triggers, and I'm going to be taking your questions and we're going to go step by step, question by question and apply the research to the changes in the habits you're trying to make. And of course, in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to tell you that I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to not only apply all of this research, but to see yourself change and to see yourself becoming the person that you really want to become. Alright, I'll see you in a few days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician for professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.