The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You

Mel Robbins (16:59):

One of the things in writing the Let Them Theory book that I realized when it comes to parenting and families is that when you and your partner decide what your values are and what your traditions are and what your parenting style and philosophy and approaches it is going to be yours. And if it's different than what you grew up in, guess what? Your parents are going to see that as some rejection of how they did it. They're going to take it personally. It's natural. I think when our kids grow up and they have families of their own, if they do things differently, we'll probably have a little bit of like, because we know what we know. And so the other thing to consider is just understand that people are going to have their opinions. Let them let them be a little bothered that you're doing things differently because they're now questioning the way they did things.

 

(17:54):

Right? And you and your partner get on the same page. And then there's room for both things to be true. There's room for the old traditions and the ways in which you both grew up. And then there's room for you two to come together and figure out how you're going to do it for your family. Super cool question. Alright, I'll do the next one. This one's from Sarah. Hey Mel. My spouse and I have been feeling a bit distant after having kids and moving to a new city. What advice would you give to couples who feel like they've started to drift apart, especially after a big life change?

 

Chris Robbins (18:34):

Carve out a dedicated moment in the week to do something either familiar or totally new. I would say you and I have, 

Mel Robbins (19:03):

Hold the time in your calendar. Chris and I have just spent the last couple of years having a weekly therapy session and the best part about it wasn't the therapy, it was the fact that we had a dedicated time in the calendar every week during the day, once a week to come together and just pause and talk for 40 minutes about how we were doing. And you can create that for yourself. I'm not talking about a date night, I'm talking about holding space in your calendar. No phones, no children, no pets, just you two. And we also just moved to a brand new place. We lived outside of Boston for 26 years where we raised our kids for the most part and then moved to a small town in southern Vermont where we really didn't know a lot of people. And one of the things that we did is we made a point once a week to go try to explore something in our new area. You just moved to a new place. That's super cool. Find a new hike, try a new restaurant, explore a new neighborhood. These are all opportunities for you two to learn and laugh and grow together, which is super cool. Here's another one, Jessica. I've been married for five years and sometimes I just need space, but I don't want my spouse to feel like I'm pulling away. How do you and Chris set boundaries with each other when it comes to needing personal space or alone time?

 

Chris Robbins (20:23):

Well, I think first you got to have a conversation about what constitutes alone time, what do you need and what serves you? Not just what is alone time, but when do you need it and for how long? This isn't a problem for me. I figured out that I need alone time and I carved it out with you and your understanding. Two to three hours in the morning, I get up super early and go do whatever my thing is, whether it's working out or being outside or being in the office. And I think the reason why that really works for me is because I laid that out for you that I not only need it, this is what it gives for me. And also, please do not interrupt.

 

Mel Robbins (21:16):

What I love about that is Chris has not negotiated for that and pulled time away from me. He claimed that for himself. And you can create a morning routine where you get alone time. And Chris is also really good about saying, I need to take a couple nights out and go on a solo hike in the woods. And then he also though has the consideration to go, when would it work? And we work together on carving it out. And so the really big takeaway here is every single person in a relationship has needs. Never expect your partner to read your mind, 

Chris Robbins (22:42):

Our kids? No.

 

Mel Robbins (22:44):

Why are you asking that? That's the only thing I fight with you about.

 

Chris Robbins (22:49):

Yeah, I suppose right about where they are, how close they are or far they are

 

Mel Robbins (22:54):

And how to approach situations, how to solve problems, how to support and when to let them struggle. And I have anxiety that's easily triggered. So if there's a problem and one of our kids calls, I'm a yes person. I'm a jump in and fix it person because it makes me anxious when one of our kids is struggling, even though I know that struggle is important and you got to let 'em struggle. That's how you learn. But I'm quick to be like, okay, okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it. Whereas you are way more grounded and way more patient. And we can give you some examples. This is why don't you tell him what happened last night with our son?

 

Chris Robbins (23:38):

Yeah, Oakley called us and we were talking about right now he's a freshman and he doesn't have a car in school. And nor do I think that he should have a car in school, certainly not in this first year. And I mean it's a luxury in general, but he says, oh, well something about next semester, maybe next semester I'll have the car. And Mel said, great. I was walking by. I wasn't even barely on the phone call. I just heard it and thought, hang on, that's not great. That's not a good idea at all. But what I have to say about that question and even this thing that came up with Oakley is that it occurred to me that while it seems like a simple thing to actually stop and reflect on why it is that I'm a no and you're a yes and maybe consider that an extra two or three minutes of conversing about the difference that we have is going to reveal something larger. I'm not even sure why it is that I'm a no,

 

Mel Robbins (24:51):

You just actually gave me a fantastic idea. I just had a huge epiphany after 30 years of being with you.

 

Chris Robbins (25:03):

Amen.

 

Mel Robbins (25:05):

And it goes down to a deeper issue, which is how do you and your partner solve problems? I am the kind of person that is extraordinarily decisive because the unknown feels scary to me and I create certainty and I solve problems by just making a decision. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

 

Chris Robbins (25:35):

Ready, fire, aim.

 

Mel Robbins (25:37):

Correct.

 

Chris Robbins (25:37):

We know you Mel,

 

Mel Robbins (25:38):

You though are the kind of person that stops and thinks. So I step the gas, you tap the brakes, and if you call me a yes and I call you and no, that's where that sort of house divided thing happens. And our kids use us to their advantage nonstop. They know that crack is there. Here's the breakthrough. I

 

Chris Robbins (25:59):

Just, not just our kids, all kids,

 

Mel Robbins (26:01):

But here's the breakthrough I just had. There's a tool that you could use if this is you and your partner and it's not yes or no, it's maybe that when you get asked a question by one of your kids and your spouse is not there, or you haven't had, as Chris calls it, your three minute discussion about the deeper issue, say maybe say maybe because maybe isn't a yes or a no. It's a recognition that I got to talk to your mom or dad because you're right. I don't know why I said yes and you don't know why you said no. But we get caught in this, and I'll give you another example. There was a period in our life where two of our kids had just extraordinarily acute anxiety to the point where they couldn't sleep in their rooms. And we're talking sixth grade, that late fourth grade sixth, somewhere in the sixth to fourth grade zone. And it started

 

Chris Robbins (27:00):

Where whenever the first one grew out of it, the second one rolled right in behind them.

 

Mel Robbins (27:06):

I'm telling you, there was for three years a train of pitter pattering feet

 

Chris Robbins (27:12):

Longer

 

Mel Robbins (27:13):

Than that, that would come into our bedroom at night. And we're talking late into elementary school here. They had already been sleeping through the night and then all of a sudden anxiety hits and they'd come to my side of the bed, Chris is a no and I'm a yes. And I would just lift up the sheets and they'd roll right in. And it ultimately got to the point where Chris and I did have that three minute conversation. How do we want to handle this? What are we going to do? And neither one of us wanted to actually do what we should have done, which is march them back upstairs every single night, sit with them until they go to sleep and then go back down. So we just ended up making a bed on the floor of our room, and if they came down, that was our rule.

 

(27:54):

You can't get in bed with us, but you can sleep right there. And that is not parenting advice that I would recommend. I would recommend listening to a parenting expert, but we got on the same page because we had the deeper conversation and we looked at the options and we made a decision. We weren't willing to interrupt our sleep at that period in our lives to do the parenting that was necessary to walk them back up and force them to tolerate the discomfort and learn how to fall back asleep again. Lauren? Hey Melon. Chris, you guys have been together for a long time. How do you both manage to keep your individuality and personal interests alive while being in such a close marriage? I sometimes feel like I'm losing myself in my marriage. You want to take that or you want me to?

 

Chris Robbins (28:44):

No, lemme hear what you have to say to that.

 

Mel Robbins (28:46):

I don't think this is a marriage problem. I think it's a you problem. There is no reason why you should lose your identity to your marriage. In fact, the single best way to grow your marriage is to grow yourself. And 

Chris Robbins (29:43):

Yeah, just that. I mean, it's an excellent point and question. When I think about even a lot of the men that I have spent time with, who

 

Mel Robbins (29:56):

Can you give everybody a little? What do you mean men you've spent time with?

 

Chris Robbins (30:01):

I host a men's retreat called Soul Degree where a couple times a year, 12 of us circle up in a remote location and spend five days together diving into the things that matter. And often one of those conversations revolves around our own needs and identifying our needs. And even to the point where there are men who haven't taken the time to even identify what might be, let's say, a hobby that actually fuels them. And so this concept of keeping your individuality and your personal interests alive and looking after you is not always so intuitive for people to be able to actually zoom out and say, okay, yeah, even if they're not thinking about how do I remain individual in my relationship? It's the zoom out and sort of seeing or taking the time to determine these are things that I need for myself, which will naturally foster that sense of chasing your own interest.

 

Mel Robbins (31:18):

Well, what ends up happening if you don't do what Chris is telling you to do, which is maybe you've never even asked yourself, what do I need? What am I interested in? What are some things that I want to do with my life? Because this may be a newsflash to you, but you were not put on this planet to just be somebody's spouse. And if you don't have a purpose for yourself, you will resent your marriage because you'll blame your marriage for the fact that you don't have a purpose that is individual. And if you don't know what that purpose is, I will tell you what it is. It's making yourself your purpose, improving yourself, investing in yourself, forming better habits, taking a class, spending time with your friends. If you make bettering yourself your soul purpose for the next six months, it will improve your marriage. You'll stop looking at your marriage as the solution to your unhappiness, and you'll see that you are always the source of your happiness, that you are the solution to any problem that you face. And when you get happier and when you grow, you then bring all that back into the marriage.

 

Chris Robbins (32:35):

The guys out there are like, oh, okay, so now I should just go play 72 of golf.

 

Mel Robbins (32:41):

Yeah, within reason. You got

 

Chris Robbins (32:42):

Within reason. I was thinking,

 

Mel Robbins (32:44):

But here's the thing, but here's the difference. That doesn't mean pack up your golf bags and drive away for the weekend of it means sitting down with your partner and going, I've realized something. I've really lost myself in my role as my a spouse and as a parent. And I, in the next six months am going to do some work to try to improve myself and focus a little bit on my health and my happiness. And I want to do that because I want our relationship to get better. And one thing that I've really missed is being able to play golf on the weekends with my friends. I'm lonely. Would it be okay if I take off Saturday and I'm gone all day and I go, your spouse would be like, oh my God, please, because you're driving me crazy and you're sad and I would love to see you happy again.

 

(33:31):

But there's that consideration of once you understand your needs, communicate, communicate. Alright, here's a great question from Anna. Hey Mall and Chris, I feel like unmet expectations of my relationship often lead to resentment, which is hard to shake. How do you guys handle disappointments or unmet expectations with each other without letting them build into something bigger? Oh, I love this question. Unmet expectations. They rise in all forms. It could be feeling like the amount of effort that you're both putting in isn't equal. It might be expectations about money and how much you're contributing financially or whether or not you're ambitious and going after it or going after that bigger job. It might be something that we've struggled with, which is this kind of disconnect on birthdays and celebrating and holidays. And for me, at the source of every moment where I've either been disappointed in you or I've had unmet expectations, that left me feeling either angry or disappointed. 

Chris Robbins (35:35):

Yeah, but I remember a time when I didn't meet your birthday expectations,

 

Mel Robbins (35:43):

Which was actually throwing a party.

 

Chris Robbins (35:44):

Exactly. That's what it's precisely what you throw, throw a

 

Mel Robbins (35:47):

Party,

 

Chris Robbins (35:48):

But you didn't communicate that.

 

Mel Robbins (35:52):

There we go. Like what kind of a moron doesn't know that you want to party on your

 

Chris Robbins (35:55):

Birthday? Well, and I'm saying that to illustrate a point, which is that often there is the missed opportunity to communicate that or just to your point, not even thinking, well, I don't need to tell 'em that. Of course I want to party and I want to make sure there's a hundred people there and I'm massive cake and balloons and confetti and the rest of it. But your point is well taken, which is communicate what you need or want.

 

Mel Robbins (36:24):

And I want to be responsible that when I equipped, what kind of a moron doesn't know that that was me 10 years ago? That's what unmet expectations and resentment sounds like. That's what will kill your relationship. Death by a thousand cuts. What is he moron? What is she out to lunch? That sort of energy and tone is what fuels these just cracks in an otherwise solid foundation. And you're right, that wasn't on you. It was on me. I had never even explained that this mattered to me. I just sat there silently and was mad at you that you didn't just know. And that's a really important thing to take away from this question in particular, which is don't ever assume that your partner knows. Instead, take responsibility for making sure they do know what you need and why you need it, which makes them way more empowered to be able to rise up and act like the partner that you really want and need in life. The more that I've told you what I need, you're like, oh, that's easy. This is a heck of a lot easier if you just give me a list than sitting there resenting me, wishing I had somehow known this.

 

Chris Robbins (37:45):

And I think when it deals with things that you and I need as individuals, that's one thing. But this conversation also makes me think about how complex this can be when it comes to the question about parenting issues and how do you resolve that? And because those are expectations that you would've otherwise never talked about before or assumed. I remember when once the first time that a kid of ours could get herself home in my mind by a taxi, 

Mel Robbins (38:43):

I've got a lot to say about that, by the way, not only to your parents, but also to your therapist. This is a really important nuance. So one of our kids was flying home from college and Chris was like, oh, we'll just send an Uber. I'm like, what planet do you live on? Send an Uber to get your kid when they're what.

 

Chris Robbins (39:06):

But I'm talking about dealing with that expectation real time, which is often the way in which these things get flushed out. And it did in that conversation.

 

Mel Robbins (39:15):

And here's the bigger thing. My lived experience was where I pick you up at the curb airport family. In fact, if we can get good parking, we'll come inside and wait for you. That is a show of love. You lived in London and outside of New York City for most of your life, and your dad was always traveling. And so taxis were kind of a way of life, and you were simply making a decision out of your lived experience. It's what you knew. And by the way, same with me. And a lot of times that's also where this disconnect in expectations come from, that I just expect you to do things the way that I've always done them. And you do the same. And this is the greatest opportunity you get to co-create your relationship. The whole point of the relationship is not to turn each other into each other. It's not to jam your expectations or way of doing things down someone else's throat. It's to come together and to learn from each other and to take the time to understand where the other person is coming from and then figure out together what you're going to do from there. And what I've learned from this conversation is I'm going to start saying maybe a whole lot more when our kids are asking us about anything. Anything else you want to add, hun?

 

Chris Robbins (40:37):

Just that I love you and I love your comment about co-creating because you can fall in and out of that process of feeling like, Hey, we can create this however we want. There's something very inspiring and freeing about knowing that every day you get up, whether it's a parenting issue or what you and I are dealing with and can start over.

 

Mel Robbins (41:03):

I also think that the cool thing about stopping and understanding what's underneath it, it allows you to understand what to give more weight to. If the deeper reason is really deep for you, then I'm going to always defer to you and you do that with me. And there's one other thing that I want to share, and it's this. I recently heard somebody say that second marriages are amazing, especially when they're with the same person. And I love that because every day that you wake up, you have an opportunity to create a second marriage with the same person. And that's the power of understanding that your marriage is this organic thing that grows over time as you both grow. And there's always something that you can learn in any crisis, any question, any decision if you're willing to not lean away from each other, but to lean into each other. I love you Chris Robbins.

 

Chris Robbins (42:10):

I love you too,

 

Mel Robbins (42:11):

And I love these questions. If you have other questions that you want Chris and I to answer or any other topics you want us to cover, just go to mel robbins.com/podcast and you'll see a form there. Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking. Such important and really, I think profound and relevant questions that we're all kind of grappling with. Thank you for being here together with us. And I want to make sure, in case no one else tells you this, to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And there's no doubt in my mind that when you both figure out what you need and you really work on making yourself happy and a better version of yourself, and you bring that back into your relationships, those relationships are just going to get better and better and better and better.

 

(43:07):

And one thing that would make it better, share this episode with your partner and listen together. I think it's going to spark a lot of things to talk about, and when that happens, it always brings you together. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode, and thank you for being here with us on YouTube. Thank you for watching all the way to the end. I just love spending time together with you. Thank you for submitting questions. The questions were awesome, and I want to be doing more and more and more QA and live coaching and stuff here on YouTube. So keep 'em coming because coming in the future, and I know you're thinking, well, what can I watch next? First, I got to ask you could you hit subscribe? It's the only way I know that you truly value the videos that my team and I are putting out. It supports us in continuing to do that. I know you're the kind of person who loves supporting people who support you. So thank you in advance for hitting subscribe. Alrighty, next video. You're going to want to check out this one.