3 Lessons From One of the Hardest Years of My Life

(20:13):

So I made videos literally for the biggest, biggest, biggest, the people that I admire, these custom videos. I put myself out there. I was all afraid about doing it. I sent these videos off to people that I love, I sent them off crickets. Nobody even responded. And I took that to mean I will never make it in the podcast business because the people I admire the most in that they don't even want to talk to me. They don't even respond. I mean, that's how big my excuses were. And I'm going to read to you a little bit about what I wrote, and this is just over a year old you guys. So I want to put this in perspective as you're listening to me, as you listen to me right now, we are one of the top podcasts in the entire world because of you.

 

(21:08):

We are the number one education podcast in the world on every platform because of you. A year ago, I was questioning whether or not I should even start this at all. And I'm going to read to you what I believed and felt in my heart, and I'm going to do this because there is something that you want to do. I had been thinking about launching a podcast for years. I had come up with so many excuses, so many reasons not to do it. There is something that is on your heart, that is on your mind, some change that you want to make, some art that you want to pursue, something that you want to do with your life. You know it. You feel it, you think about it. That was me with this podcast and a year ago, I was busy talking myself out of it.

 

(22:05):

I was busy looking for all kinds of reasons and excuses for why it was too late. Everybody, I missed the window. I should have done it years ago. See, don't even bother. When I think about the excuses that I had, they're the same excuses you had. And see, you're seeing me now. You're seeing the success. So you're sitting there going, well, it's easy for Mel Robbins. She already had an audio book. She already did. Are you kidding me? I had the same excuse. I almost didn't do this. What a shame that would've been. And there's something that you're busy convincing yourself not to do. And that's why lesson number two is that excuse is bullshit. It's just fear. I had the same thing. Let me read to you from the High five habit. This is what I put out in the world just over a year ago. You're seeing now what happens when you push through that stupid excuse, but I want you to understand, I get this, it's on page 111.

 

(23:11):

Oh yeah, I love this. Here's the title. I'm not giving this advice to you. I'm giving it to myself. So this is a chapter about jealousy and it's about excuses and how I used to let self-doubt and jealousy eat me up inside. But here's the thing about jealousy. It's just blocked desire. It's a normal emotion. And the truth is there's not a day that goes by when I don't feel a paying a jealousy. It happens every time I scroll through social media. And here's an example that I write about in this book, because remember when I published the High Five Habit just over a year ago, I didn't have a podcast. I didn't have a plan for launching a podcast. I was just writing about how jealousy was stopping me from pursuing it. It was eating me alive. So let me tell you about that jealousy I was feeling just a year ago.

 

(24:13):

Right now, my career, when I look ahead of me, the people I'm most jealous of are the ones who have already started podcasts. For example, my friend Lewis Howes, he's been hosting the School of Greatness podcasts for seven years. I'm extremely jealous of my friend Lewis. In fact, I got a bunch of friends who have hit podcasts and I'm jealous of all of them, too many friends to list. I never really thought about it before, but I'm surrounded by people who are podcast hosts. I'm jealous of them. And then tell me if you do this too. I beat myself up for not having done it yet. I beat myself up and I come up with excuses all the time. Creating a podcast would be as natural and as fluid for me as drinking a glass of water. Why? Because I do audio books. I speak on stages.

 

(24:59):

I don't like to write books because of my dyslexia, my A DHD. But why haven't I done it? If I want to do a podcast so much, why haven't I done it? And now I'm going to ask you the question. If you want to do this thing, whatever it is, travel the world, get healthy, write a book, change your career, go back to school, save your marriage, work on your, if you want to do this, why haven't you done it? I'll tell you why you haven't done it. The same reason why I haven't done it, because you tell yourself you've missed the window. You tell yourself that it's never going to be you. You want this thing so badly. Just admit it. I wanted so badly to be a podcast host. I did, but you know what I spent my energy doing, listening to my fears, coming up with excuses.

 

(25:50):

I'm too late. Somebody else already did it. I can't do it now. I'll just be a copycat. Nobody needs to hear my voice. There's already five. Do you know there's 5 million podcasts on Spotify? 5 million. I missed the window, everybody. And see, the truth is when you start to write it out, all your excuses, you'll realize something I realized, which is it doesn't make any sense because there's nothing stopping you from doing it except for these stupid excuses. Nothing at all. Who cares that there's all these people that have already done, who cares that your friend already renovated their kitchen and they have white cabinets and you wanted white cabinets, and now you can't have white cabinets because then you're going to be a copy. Are you kidding me with these excuses? You can't go back to the gym because you haven't been with one in three months.

 

(26:42):

Seriously? Do you know how dumb that is? You can't figure out how to be financially free. Do you know how many people who are stupider than you have figured that out? Of course, you can figure that out. Your excuses are baloney, their bs. It's just your fear. Just like my fear about being too late, not being good enough. You want to know the real deepest fear. The deepest fear is that I would finally pursue this thing that I'd always wanted to do because I've been thinking about this for a long time. You may not know this about me, but I got my start in local radio. I used to host a little call in show Saturday mornings in Boston. I got paid $25 an hour to do. I loved that show. I fell in love with radio doing that show. I took on that job to help pay for groceries.

 

(27:36):

It was a lifeline during a really hard time in my life. I loved it. And ever since then, 2007, I've wanted to get back to radio. And as the podcast market exploded, I wanted to get into podcasting. And you know what I did? I spent years coming up with excuses. Excuses for why was too late, excuses for why. And you're doing the same thing. Do you know how many times everybody, I would say it's too late, Mel, you missed the window. Everybody and their mother has a podcast. There's no way you're going to be successful. There's too many realtors, everybody. There's already enough nurses. How many of you have said that? Of course you have. There's enough books. Nobody's going to read my bologna. It's too late. I'm too old. Oh, I'm too young. I'm too young. 

(28:32):

And then we moved to a new school and he was really afraid because when the kid said, what are you into, he is like, well, I love to stream. And they're like, what? Boom. Stop doing it. Was afraid of what people thought. Again, excuses, if I continue doing this, I won't have friends. That's bull cocky. Whatever the heck the word is. I'm trying to, is that even a word? I don't even know. Who knows? But he hasn't done it for two years and all of a sudden, because he has felt the pull the last two nights, and you know what I think it is? I think it's the fact that he was on an episode of this podcast and there was so much positive feedback about what he shared that something clicked and he realized his excuses are baloney just like yours. And for the last two nights, you know what he's been doing after he gets his homework done, streaming, giving kids advice, is anyone watching right now?

 

(29:29):

Nope. Not a soul, but he's going to keep going. It's going to take time. And he kind of, matter of fact, last night came down for a glass of water in the kitchen. I said, what are you doing? He said, I'm streaming. I'm like, well, right now. He said, yeah. He's like, nobody's watching right now. And I'm like, oh. And he's like, well, mom, it takes time. You got to show up consistently. That's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to stop this time. I was on a roll last time and I let my excuses and my fear stop me. I haven't done it in two years. I've missed this so much and I'm not going to let it stop me again. I love that kid and I love you, and that's why I'm telling you your excuses complete bullshit. You're not too late.

 

(30:04):

You're not too early. Today is the right day and you're not starting over. You're starting with all of the experiences of your life. You're doing this at the exact right time. This is perfect. You're listening to me today because you are meant to not only learn the lesson and start addressing the friction, but to one by one. Knock those excuses out of the way. And you know how they do that? Action is the answer. Action is the answer. You can figure anything out, absolutely anything. You can reverse engineer it. You can stalk people. You can figure out what they did and one step at a time, one day at a time, you can start to align your life with the things that you truly want to do, things you enjoy doing with people that you really like, and you can push through your excuses one by one with the actions that you take.

 

(31:02):

That's how I did it. I finally got so sick of feeling miserable, so sick of the friction inside me, so sick of denying myself the fricking dreams that I have had held in my heart locked away. I was so sick and tired of myself that I'm like, that's it. I'm doing it. I don't care if nobody invites me on their podcast. I don't care if this thing fails. I'm not doing this for other people. I'm doing this for myself. And that's what you need to do. You're not doing this for the success. You're not doing this for the money. You're not doing this to impress somebody else. The changes that you need to make, the alignment that you need to bring your life into, you're doing this for you because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to see your dreams come true. You know how happy Oakley is sitting alone in his closet upstairs streaming on Twitch while nobody is watching him.

 

(32:00):

You know how happy he is? He is so happy because he has stopped feeling that tension and friction of knowing deep in your soul that you are denying yourself and experience that you want. And he's so happy that he's pushed through his own excuses and fears and that he has aligned his actions every night with something he's wanted to do. He has kept a promise to himself. That is the coolest thing in the world. That's what this is about. Who cares if nobody listens to this? Who cares if it fails in the eyes of the charts or whatever? Because that's not why you're doing it in the first place. You're doing it because you want to move yourself from a life that feels hard and friction and full of resistance that you're putting in your own way and you want to align your actions with the person you want to become.

 

(32:59):

That's what this is about, everybody. And it took the hardest year of my life to get the easiest damn obvious lesson that there is. Mel, stop making your life hard. Stop putting energy into the crap that's not working. Stop making all this so personal. Everybody screws up. Everybody gets in toxic situations. This is not unique to you. Everybody has people steal crap from them or betray them. You're not the only one. Stop tolerating this crap from yourself and just look in the mirror and figure out what you're going to address and get on with it woman like Enough, enough. And I don't recommend that you have the hardest year of your life to learn these lessons. That's why I'm sharing them with you. I don't recommend that you get so broken down by your own bullshit that you have a mental health breakdown. I don't recommend that.

 

(33:55):

I want you to figure out what's not working in your life, what aspects you hate, what brings you friction? Make the list, then get rid of your excuses by fixing this stuff. Absolutely. Everything in your life can be improved by you, period. And the only thing that's stopping you from doing it is your fear. And that fear is going to disappear the second you start taking action. 

(34:52):

Mel, get with a friend because the friend will be a truth teller and you will be a truth teller for that friend of yours and draw a line down the center of the page and write shit I hate on the left and write things I love on the right. And for me, the left hand column was way longer than the right hand column. And what I'm here to tell you is you don't have to tolerate that much distress, that much friction in your life. You and I were just used to friction. That's why we tolerated. You and I are used to the toxic dynamic in our family. We're used to not going to the gym. We're used to feeling tired. We're used to feeling last on our list. That doesn't mean it has to stay that way. I am telling you, you have within you if you can write that stuff down, you can figure out how to move yourself.

 

(35:46):

Inch yourself from the left hand column, the shitty column over to the right hand column toward liking and loving aspects of your life. I am in your life because I want you and I to enjoy our lives. It doesn't mean it's always a party, but when you can identify areas of friction, things just feel off. They feel harder than they need to be. It's a struggle. That means there is a person, a process, a place. There is a pattern. There is something there that you got to go to work on. That's it. Getting rid of friction is your job. Identifying it is the first step. Removing the excuses that keep you from taking the actions to smooth it out or remove it or improve it. There's your options. That's it. Remove it, improve it. Do something different. That's it. Even just writing it down will make you feel better.

 

(36:47):

And when you sit down with a friend and do this, they're going to call you out. They're going to call you out about the things that you complain on. Don't forget to put your marriage on there. Don't forget to put the fact that your back hurts on there. You're always griping about blah, blah, blah. That's going to help you. And that's what I did with Pete. I got my little book right here. I got my list. Boy, when I read my list, I'm like, whoa, there was a lot I was tolerating and I have gone step by step one by one and I have addressed it. See, here's the thing. You may not be responsible for creating the friction, but you have a responsibility to remove it and you deserve that. That does not mean your life is going to be perfect. That means you are going to feel empowered.

 

(37:47):

And this is not one of these one and done exercises because I now hunt for friction. If something feels off. Like just yesterday we were doing an episode for the podcast and I was sitting in a director's chair behind a table and I felt friction in my body and I'm like, this feels hard. This feels weird. And then I noticed more friction. I don't want to ask the team to break the set. We just put it up. And then I started to notice the excuses. I don't want people to be upset. I don't want to be a freak. I don't want to constantly change my mind. And then I'm like, you know what? I am committed to living in alignment. I'm committed to making things easier. I'm just done with this. And so I'm just going to say what's not working? And then we're going to address it and then it'll be over and life is easier. It's so much easier. Oh my God, you guys. But that brings me to number three.V

(40:14):

The second lesson that your excuses are bullshit. Every single excuse you have is tied to some fear that you have. That's it. And that every single excuse can be faced and addressed with a small action again and again and again. Now, the third lesson is really important because it's the truth. Change isn't easy. I mean, this year I reorganized the team. I addressed the betrayal. I got seriously into therapy to improve a lot of friction in my marriage, both on my side and Chris's side. Not easy. It's not easy to sit in a therapy session and have to listen and hear stuff you don't want to hear. And it's not easy to change your own behavior when you've been doing things for a long time. It's not easy to go to the gym for the first time. Heck, I went to a hot yoga class when I was visiting my daughter in Los Angeles last week. I realize it's the first time I have been in an exercise studio for three years.

 

(41:34):

It wasn't easy to get there. Now I was happy I went when it was over, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that this is easy when you know going into it that it's not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it, damn it. And that I am capable. I am capable of showing up for myself. I am capable of doing this. I am capable of inching along. I am capable of pushing through the fear. I am capable of identifying friction. I am capable of slowly moving my life from the shitty side to the awesome side. When you go into it, knowing that that's what I did with this house when we sold our house in Boston, that was not easy. I knew I needed to do it. I knew I needed to remove that variable from my life.

 

(42:27):

That was not easy. And not only was it not easy, but I had a pretty big mental breakdown over it. I did not expect the wave of grief that was going to hit me selling the home that we raised our kids in for 26 years. I did not expect how discombobulated I would feel moving from a place that I had lived for 26 years, and the container that held all those memories in that much time. It knocked me on my rear end. It was not easy at all. But now that I am on the other side of it, thanks to therapy and going back on an antidepressant for the first time in 20 years, I'll tell you it was worth it. And I was capable of putting my life into the column of being in alignment. I am proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for doing the work to finally launch this podcast.

 

(43:36):

I am proud of myself, not because it's doing so well. I mean, of course that's freaking amazing because your support makes me feel good, and I just can't believe what a force for good you and I are that these episodes are truly changing and even saving people's lives. I mean, that's just extraordinary. But I'm proud of myself because I got over my own bullshit to do this. Do you know how liberating that is when you push through your own stuff, when you commit to your happiness and to your goals, knowing this is not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it Knowing that I got what it takes within me to remove friction, to go toward the things that I want.

 

(44:28):

It is like one of the most amazing things, the world. And yeah, you may be like my son, Oakley, sitting upstairs alone in a closet with nobody watching. As you put your first video out there, who cares? You're not doing it for them. You're doing it for you and the potential of your life and the dreams that you have inside of you and the happiness that you deserve. I really feel like there's kind of two states in life. It's about energy. You're either feeling friction, and that means something's off, and there's just something to address. Don't beat yourself up. Big lesson for me. Just learn the lesson everybody, because your life's trying to teach you something with that friction. Make your list. Any area where there's life, where there's friction, there's a pattern to address, there's a place that's making you miserable. There's somebody, a person, that's it. That's it. That's all that there is.

 

(45:22):

There's a process. There is a process. Every breakdown that Chris and I have basically has to do with the fact that we have a broken process when we are not in communication. Chris retreats and I keep going, and then Chris feels rejected. He feels taken advantage of. I have no idea because I'm blazing ahead 55 miles an hour. And what is broken is the communication process. It doesn't mean we're bad people, doesn't mean the marriage sucks. It means there's friction between us because there's a broken process. And so again, this is such a huge invitation. Please, please do not run yourself into a wall the way I did. Do not ignore the lessons in your life that your life is trying to teach you via friction, because they are going to get louder. That sledgehammer is a coming. And do not be a stubborn student like Mel Robbins.

 

(46:26):

Do not wait for life to punch you in the face or knock you on your fanny or cause you to have a mental health breakdown requiring prescription medication. Which by the way, there's nothing wrong with sometimes we need those ladders, sometimes we need it every day. People, I fricking love, love my Celexa right now. Thank you, Celexa. You have helped me through this shitty year. I am proud, proud to ask for help, whether it's for people or it's medication or it's new habits or it's from you because sometimes it's not easy, but it's worth it and you're capable of doing whatever it takes and it might take you years. It took me decades to finally learn the lesson about people that have toxic patterns and betrayal and my role in it too decades. It took me 10 years to realize that all of my success was born in a moment of crisis.

 

(47:40):

I didn't go. I think I'll write a book today. I'm like, I got bills to pay in a lien on my house, and my husband basically has just left his business and he's sobering up and he's depressed. And if we're going to pay bills, I got to figure this shit out. And I have never gotten out of that mode. When you can't pay for groceries, when you got liens on your house, you will say yes to anything that you need to say yes to stay afloat. And I don't think I ever got out of the mode of relating to work as though I was in an emergency. I always assumed my luck would run out, which is why I've been running. My life depends upon it, and that's why I ultimately hit a brick wall. It wasn't working anymore. It was making me miserable.

 

(48:30):

And so when you stop and you write out the friction and you look at the lessons, please do it now. Do not do the same stuff over and over and over for decades. I have. You do not need to wait for a sledgehammer. You can wake yourself up with a blank sheet of paper and two columns and a pen, and you will wake yourself up faster if you have a friend with you who will be a truth teller. And you also need to honor the things that are working about your life because guess what? There are a lot of things that are working and we need to do more of that. And when you are willing to learn the lessons that your life is teaching you at this moment, and there's always lessons, I'm sorry. It's whack-a-mole people. That's what life is. You're going to fit.

 

(49:18):

Here's the bad news. I got a lot of shit on the left hand column now too. It just is different stuff from last year because life is whack-a-mole. Life is, life is school people. You can enjoy it, you can hate it, but you got to attend it. That's the deal. And there's a lesson every day. And the biggest lessons are in the biggest moments of friction and the highest moments of joy. And if you get serious about paying attention to the lessons and you get serious about your own baloney excuses and you get serious about just taking actions an inching forward every day and you embrace this notion, change isn't easy, but it's worth it and I'm capable of it, you, my friend, well feel the happiness you deserve. You'll remove the just stupid crap that you're tolerating. You will level up. You will make more money.

 

(50:22):

You'll enjoy it. Imagine that. Imagine enjoying it. And I realize you may be taking care of aging parents or you've got super little kids, or you just went through a divorce or you got a big health crisis, or you're in the middle of pitching a venture capital firm for the biggest deal of your life. The stakes are high. I get that stuff's going on, but I also know because I have done this in my own life this year that you can see what the lesson is. You can stop beating yourself up. You can fix the pattern. You can fix the personal dynamics. You can fix the places that you're showing up. You can fix the process. You do that. You get to work. And my God, you're going to be shocked, shocked at how proud you're going to be of yourself. And I want you to know that I'm here every single day because I know you can do it.

 

(51:23):

If you don't believe it, let me be the person holding up the light over here going, Hey, come on. Walk towards me. I'll hold this light high until you catch up with me. And then guess what? I'm going to get hit with a sledgehammer and I'm going to expect you to go forward and hold that damn light high and remind me that I'm going to be okay. Because the second that you start to move things of friction from one column to the other, friction will show up. One of your kids will have a breakdown. Just always like a charm. People always say, how are your kids doing? I'm like, well, today, today everybody's okay. God knows tomorrow somebody could have a mental breakdown, but we're playing it together, right? We're going to ride the waves together, everybody.

 

(52:08):

Okay? That's what I got from the hardest year of my life. Three lessons. Please, please share this with everybody. I do this podcast because if I can save you the headaches and heartaches that I cause myself because I don't know any better or because I'm stubborn or stupid about some things or bullheaded, a lot of bullheadedness runs in my family, if I can save you the headache, the heartache, all that stuff, that is a life well lived. And so I also love hearing your lessons, and I would love to hear what some of your biggest lessons are. I know this hasn't been exactly the easiest year for you either. And so please, when you share this episode, share the lessons that you've learned. Please invite your friends to do this exercise with you with the blank piece of paper. Identify the friction and get into a partnership of helping each other. Remove the friction. And change isn't easy, but it's worth it and you're capable of it. And the reason why I'm telling you this is because I love you. I do, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to make this change happen. And I also believe you deserve it. Woo. Okay. I got to go. I need a tall cup of water or something. That was a lot. I'll see you in a few days.

 

(53:53):

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.