Episode: 248
8 Habits That Will Change Your Life: The Expert Advice You Need This Year
with Expert Guests
This is the best of the best of The Mel Robbins Podcast.
Mel is teeing up the 8 most impactful moments of the entire year to you one at a time, so you will understand and act on this amazing advice in your own life.
Start taking action and making change today with insights from the world’s top experts featured throughout this episode.
What should you listen to next? You’ll love the full podcast episodes with each of the experts featured today:
Dr. Tara Swart: Spotify | Apple | YouTube
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar: Spotify | Apple | YouTube
Dr. Mary Claire Haver: Spotify | Apple | YouTube
Dr. Wendy Suzuki: Spotify | Apple | YouTube
Dr. Chris Palmer: Spotify | Apple | YouTube
Sarah Jakes Roberts: Spotify | Apple | YouTube
Dr. Robert Waldinger: Spotify | Apple | YouTube
Dr. Zach Bush: Spotify | Apple | YouTube
Mel also created an episode of HER favorite moments of this year, which you can listen to here.
Listen on:
You are not just one chapter of your life. You’re the whole book.
Sarah Jakes Roberts
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:00):
This year we had 43 amazing experts that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast, and some of them were so incredible. They actually appeared a couple times. And I started to wonder who were the favorites for you and your fellow listeners around the world? I mean, I'm talking the best of the best, so I decided to figure it out. What episodes did you share the most? What did you comment on? What specific moments did you watch over and over again on YouTube? Well, I've crunched the data. I've reviewed hundreds of hours of our podcast from this year, and today I am so thrilled because I have the best of the best from this past year on the Mel Robbins podcast. Alright, let's do this.
(00:00:47):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so fired up that you're here today. I mean, it's always an honor to be able to spend time together, but today especially, you want to know why? Because I'm going to hand the mic over to you. This episode today, it's all about your favorite moments and your fellow listeners favorite moments for the Mel Robbins podcast from over the past year. And if you're brand new, I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. This is the perfect episode for you to listen to as your very first episode because you're going to get a sampling of the kind of experts that we talk to on this podcast every single week, and you're going to love it. And the fact is, I get hundreds of messages and emails and comments from you about episodes that hit home all year long, the ones that made you stop in your tracks, the ones that made you replay a clip over and over, the ones that you kept sending to someone that you love.
(00:01:44):
And so first of all, it was so fun to just dig in and crunch the data and compile this episode. In fact, if you're watching on YouTube, I'm going to hold up for this piece of paper. I'm going to describe it to you. My team assembled when you were in high school and they did the end of the year superlatives where it's like the best this and the best that the best. The other thing or the worst, this, I won teachers' pet, by the way, that was my superlative, which means I guess I'm a suck up. Well, we actually, my team gathered this amazing collage of all of the experts that are featured today. So I kind of feel like it's the Mel Robbins yearbook that we're going to be covering today. And we've spent hours reviewing these standout moments. We've looked at YouTube, these moments that you just would pause, go back, rewatch.
(00:02:34):
We've looked at the episodes that you shared, that you commented on, that you wrote in about. We notice which experts you were like, could you have them come back? And here's what I want to say, you and I, we are in for such a treat and I'm excited because I know what you're about to hear. And even just compiling this, I was reminded of the experts that really changed a lot about our approach to relationships. There were episodes that helped you conquer your fears, stories that made you laugh, cry, or just feel like you're not alone. And so today we have compiled it all for you and we're diving into the greatest moments, the moments that left the biggest impression on this extraordinary global community. And whether you've been riding with me since the beginning of this podcast two years ago, or you are tuning in for the first time, oh my gosh, did you pick a winner?
(00:03:29):
Because you're about to hear the moments that you said made the biggest impact in your life and in the lives of the people that you love. And one more thing I want to say before we jump in because we got a lot to cover today, you and I, is that like every single episode that we do, if you look at the notes of the episode, you're going to find links to every single one of the podcasts that we are discussing today. So you're not going to miss a thing. And in fact, if you're brand new, this is like a playlist that is the best of the best. So it's the perfect place for you to start and you can find all those links in the show notes.
Mel Robbins (00:04:03):
Alrighty, so I wanted to start with one of the most viral clips of the entire year. What does that mean? It means this is one of the moments from the podcast this year that you shared more than any other moment, and the jury has decided case is closed. You loved Dr. Tara swt. She is an incredible md, PhD and neuroscientist. She's a professor at MIT and she flew all the way from London to be in our Boston studios to be with you. You loved absolutely everything that she shared in this episode about how to apply neuroscience and the scientific findings in her research around the brain functioning to your life. But holy cow, did you love everything that she shared about stress? And she shared so much with us that I'm going to break this down so you really get it. I mean, this was a moment that went so viral that when you watch the podcast on YouTube, you would literally stop and go backward and play it over and over. And you shared this episode over and over. And so the first thing that you're going to hear is something I had never heard before, and that is the impact that stress has. Get this on your belly fat. And so what you're about to hear is you're about to hear Dr. Tar talk about stress and the evolutionary background of the function of stress. And then we're going to get into this shocking finding that the more stressed out you are, the more that your body creates belly fat. Check this out.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:05:35):
So cortisol is known as the stress hormone and it absolutely correlates with emotions such as fear, anger, disgust, shame, and sadness. Cortisol isn't all bad. We need it to wake up in the morning. We need it to have an adaptive stress response to a car driving too fast on the street that we're trying to cross. So as long as it stays within that range, that's fine, but when something super stressful happens, like the saber-tooth tiger that we spoke about earlier, the cortisol level will spike and that enables us to run away to warn our tribe, and it should go back to normal levels quite quickly. In the modern day, as I mentioned earlier, we're so overwhelmed with information. There are so many psychological threats to our safety that it's most people, unfortunately, the levels are high
(00:06:29):
And they're either at the higher end or higher, and that's pretty constant, whereas they should be undulating between that range When that happens because cortisol is carried in the blood supply around the body and it crosses the blood brain barrier, there are receptors in the brain that monitor the levels of cortisol in a way to sense threat In our environment. When those levels are high most of the time or all the time or higher than the higher end of the threshold, the brain immediately thinks I'm about to die. What is the biggest threat to my survival? And in some ways, because it's from so long ago, we're wired in such a cave person way. The first threat that the brain will consider is starvation, even though that's for most of us, thank goodness, not the biggest threat to our survival. In fact, quite the opposite. So to try to protect us from dying of starvation, one of the things that cortisol does is lay down extra fat in the abdominal fat cells so that if we are unable to hunt or gather for some time, we can digest that fat and stay alive until a food source becomes available.
Mel Robbins (00:07:46):
Wait, so are you saying that stress is causing belly fat?
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:07:51):
Yeah, it's not just causing fat. It's specifically causing belly fat. So you may not have changed your shape in the rest of your body, but if you're noticing that your belt has become tighter, that's a sign that you could have chronic cortisol. And the other thing is that it's fat that's particularly stubborn. So if you do notice that the belt is tighter and you think, okay, I definitely need to move a bit more or eat a bit less, and you actually start doing one or both of those things, but the belly fat doesn't change because the cortisol is driving the fat there regardless of your behavior in the physical world.
Mel Robbins (00:08:29):
Did you hear that? I mean, that was the first time I had ever heard the connection between stress and belly fat, but it makes so much sense, doesn't it? And so the next thing I was curious about is I asked her, okay, well how do high levels of stress impact the functioning of the brain and check out what she had to say.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:08:50):
I'm going to do brain and body, if that's okay.
Mel Robbins (00:08:52):
Yeah.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:08:52):
So think of this cortisol as a corrosive agent that's literally flowing through your entire brain and body. So in the body, it starts to erode your immunity. So you might notice more colds and flus more often or ones that last for weeks and weeks. I mean, I certainly remember during the financial crisis when I worked with a lot of banks and hedge funds, people saying, I've had this cold for 4, 6, 8 weeks, but everybody has it.
(00:09:20):
And I had to say to them, do you hear what you're saying? That it's not normal to have a cold for six weeks and this is cortisol. And at the extreme end of that, people were dropping dead of heart attacks on trading floors. So lowering your immunity and corroding your body that much can cause everything from colds and flus to heart attacks and cancers in the brain. What happens is what I call low power mode like on your phone. So once those receptors know there's an imminent threat to our survival, think of the highest functions of the brain, thinking creatively, thinking flexibly, solving complex problems, overriding our biases and regulating our emotions.
(00:10:07):
How are those going to serve us now that we're just trying to survive physically? We don't need those things. Don't send any blood supply to those higher functions. Bring it right down to get up in the morning, go and sit at your desk, look like you're doing your job even if you actually can't really do it. This is the reason that presenteeism costs businesses more than double what absenteeism does in that low power mode. It'd be better to stay at home for two days and recover and then come back to work and actually function and work with your team.
Mel Robbins (00:10:43):
Because stress impairs the higher functioning of the
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:10:45):
Brain. It just moves the blood supply away from it because you're not going to give up your precious resources for functions like that. And just to put that into context for you, Mel, the brain is a tiny organ. It's a tiny percentage of your whole body, like maybe two or 3%, but it uses up 20 to 30% of the breakdown products of what you eat.
Mel Robbins (00:11:09):
Wow.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:11:10):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:11:10):
That's how hard it's working.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:11:11):
It's using up 20% of what you ate that day when you are asleep, it's using up 25% of what you eat when you are working, managing, leading, running your family. Just thinking right now we're probably both using 25%, but if you're stressed, it's using 30%.
Mel Robbins (00:11:32):
It's so fascinating, isn't it? And one of the things that I read about in her work is that she has found that stress is contagious. And this is a really important concept to understand so you can protect yourself from other people's stress and you don't catch it because now we know the impact of it. And what you're going to hear her talk about is some research regarding what happens among silverback gorillas, how stress travels in and among silverback gorillas, and how the exact same thing is happening to you and me. Check this out.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:12:05):
The silverback gorillas stress levels affect the other gorillas more than gorillas of the same status. And so it happens in business. And so it happens in the home. The leader in quote marks of the entity, their stress levels will impact other people more than the other way around or people of equal status. So the highly stressed boss, as an example, the highly stressed parent.
Mel Robbins (00:12:36):
Interesting.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:12:37):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:12:37):
Well, it makes sense because if you think about it, whether it's in the example of the silverback or you take a family system or you take a work system, that if the person in charge of your paycheck is stressed out, that their stress is a direct threat to your financial survival, and that's why it triggers you like that. And so that makes a lot of sense that stress would be contagious and affect everybody around you. So if stress is contagious, how do you protect yourself from other people's stuff?
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:13:10):
Well, I think the answer to that is both. How do you reduce your own stress if you're the stressed person? And how do you protect yourself from other people's stress? It's mostly through mindfulness activities, so activities that connect the brain and the body because like I said, the glands in the brain are talking to the adrenal glands and creating this stress situation. So the way to decrease their activity is through activities like meditation, yoga, time in nature, journaling, gratitude, all of those things that reduce levels of cortisol. Move your autonomic nervous system, which is a nervous system in your body rather than your brain from sympathetic, which is fright, flight, fight to parasympathetic, which is rest and recover and lower your heartbeat, lower your blood pressure.
Mel Robbins (00:14:08):
So simply lowering your own stress insulates you from other people's stress.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber (00:14:13):
Yes, but with both versions of it, whether it's your own or others, addressing the root cause is important because what you don't want to be doing is just continually shielding yourself from something that's not changing.
Mel Robbins (00:14:25):
This is so important, and I don't know about you, I just love the way she explains things. When I hear adrenal glands and I hear the functioning of the brain, it makes me feel more motivated to want to put up that personal, almost like force field. That's what you're doing because you don't want to catch your boss's stress. You don't want your spouse or your kids or your roommates stress to impact you and it shouldn't. And you want to know another thing that is super effective, at least it has been for me, is saying let them theory is another force field that you can create because you can see that somebody else's stress, your bosses, let's just take that situation or maybe your professor and they're going to grade your exams, their stress. It feels threatening, but it doesn't have to. And Dr. Tara taught you that it's contagious and you have to protect yourself from it.
(00:15:18):
So just say, let them be stressed, and I'm going to put the force field up. And one other reason why I love this is because she's not just giving you an explanation. She's also handing you a solution. And when you not only understand what's going on inside your body or inside someone else's, you can see it coming and it amplifies the reason why simple things like meditation or taking a walk outside or simply taking a deep breath or reminding yourself, let them, their stress is theirs, doesn't have to be mine. That's why this is such a game changer, and that's why I think you loved that moment on the podcast as much as I did, because it not only made you smarter, it equipped you with what you needed to do. And I love that.
Mel Robbins (00:16:07):
While we're on the topic of stress, that brings me to our next All-Star from this past year, and that is Dr. Aditi Nerurkar. Now, you loved her. I love her. I feel like she's one of those people that you just want to listen to because you feel like she really gets it. Now, she's been on the show twice this past year. I am definitely going to have her back in 2025 because I can't get enough. And let me share some of her background with you. Dr. Aditi is a Harvard trained medical doctor and a renowned authority in stress management and public health. She's a lecturer at Harvard Medical School, and previously she was the director of an integrative medicine program at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital that specialized in evidence-based stress management techniques and was one of the largest stress management clinics in the world. Now, every time you listen to Dr. Aditi, you're going to feel like you got both a warm hug and a brain upgrade. Now, in her first appearance this year, she brought the goods. I mean, I'm talking groundbreaking research, simple exercises. You could use mind blowing realizations that made you really rethink how you handle stress. And in this next clip that you're about to hear, she tees up and destroys one of the biggest myths around how you should live your life and be successful right out of the gate. So let's take a listen.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:17:30):
One of the biggest myths is that you are meant to be functioning at a high capacity without any need for rest or recovery. That productivity is linear. The more you do, the more you can accomplish, and then the more you do, the more you can accomplish. It's just supposed to be this thing that this feedback loop that's supposed to continue on and on and on, that's a myth. A break is not just a nice to have luxury. Your brain and your body need a break. It is a biological necessity for your brain and body to rest and recover. Human productivity is not linear. It functions on a curve. Think of a bell-shaped curve,
(00:18:10):
The left of the curve. When you don't have a lot of stress, you're not very motivated, you're not very productive. Think about the right side of the curve. So much stress, you are keyed up. Many of us are living on this right side of the curve. There is a sweet spot of human productivity right in the middle. It's just right stress. I call it the Goldilocks principle. And it's this idea of we all are to that right of that bell shaped curve. We are anxious. We have so much stress, we're not productive. We can't focus. It's hard to get things done. So the science suggests that moving back, how do you get to that center spot? The sweet spot of human productivity is to scale back, but you can't scale back. That's not realistic because we have real constraints. We have constraints on our time. We have obligations with work and parenting. Instead, you have to honor your breaks. How do you scale back? How do you apply the science to your everyday life? You honor your breaks. How do you do that when you are taking a break during the day? What do most of us do? We mindlessly scroll. We've already talked about what happens with scrolling. This isn't a benign thing that you are doing. You are actively influencing your brain and your body for more stress.
Mel Robbins (00:19:25):
I want to make sure that you heard the last line that she said, because this is super important. I mean, I'm guilty of scrolling. You're guilty of scrolling when you just want to zone out. But what Dr. Aditi just said is that when you and I are scrolling, you're actively influencing your brain and body for more stress, which means by scrolling, you're creating more stress for yourself. It's like you're priming your brain and your body to feel more stress. And when she said that, I know you had the same reaction, which is why would I want to create more stress for myself? And the reason why this is important is because if you understand the implications of picking up your phone because we mindlessly do it, maybe you're going to feel more motivated to not do it. And so I asked Dr. Aditi, okay, if mindlessly scrolling on your phone creates more stress and it's priming my body and brain to feel more stressed, what the heck should I be doing instead of scrolling? And I want you to take a listen very closely because Dr. Aditi is about to walk you through an extraordinarily simple technique that she created, and she's going to explain how she created it as a very stressed out medical school resident.
Mel Robbins (30:37):
But this is the exact same technique she prescribes when she is working with patients in her clinical practice. And again, this is one of the most renowned, respected doctors in stress on the planet, and this is the method she's using with her patients.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar (00:20:55):
Try some heart centered breathing. Take a little walk outside, do some stretches, touch your toes, stand up, twist. Do something where you're connecting your breath to your movement. Tap into your mind, body connection, practice. Stop, breathe, be. It's a three second exercise and it can help. What is that? The stop, breathe, be method. The instructions are in the name. It's a three second exercise. So you stop, you breathe and you be so you ground your feet on the floor. I learned the stop, breathe, be method. It was the first technique I learned to reset my mind body connection. When I was in the throes of stress as a stressed medical resident, I was working 80 hours a week. I was seeing 30 to 40 patients a day, and I brought the stop, breathe, be method into my life. When I would knock on the door of the patient room before I would enter, it was my doorknob moment.
(00:21:46):
As I turned the doorknob, I would say to myself, often under my breath, in a crowded place, stop, breathe, be. And then I would enter. And I would do that incrementally over and over and over again, 30, 40 times a day. Over time, I could just do it anywhere. In fact, before we started speaking, I was so excited because I was having a total fan girl moment. Still am. It's been a long time with my amygdala going off, but no, just kidding. I was having a fan girl moment. I'm not kidding about that. And I did stop breathe bee. In fact, the entire time that we've been speaking, I've been very aware of my feet on the floor, my posture in the chair, and how I am breathing because that is important to manage and modulate your stress response.
(00:22:29):
You can practice, breathe, be during mundane, everyday moments of your life. So I did it with the doorknob. You can do it you between zoom meetings, breathe B, it's a little mini reset, small micro reset, three seconds. You can practice it when you're brushing your teeth. I have practiced it in the morning when you're getting lunches ready for school, getting everything ready. I do it always at the doorknob before I'm about to go into the garage to do school. Bus stop, drop off, breathe B. And I think, oh my God, we forgot the project. Did you bring your hat? Oh, we need to get this. We need to get that. It's just the reset that you need. And the reason the stop breathe be method works so well is because anxiety and anxious thoughts are a future focused emotion. It is about what if this happens? What if that happens? What if I fail? What if I can't do? Well? What if? What if? And stop, breathe, be gets you out of what if thinking and gets you back into what
Mel Robbins (00:23:24):
Is amazing, stop, breathe, be. I mean, what could be more simple? But it really is powerful. And I'm going to tell you ever since Dr. Aditi taught you and me that I've been using it, and you can use it anytime you want. You just feel yourself start spiraling. You feel the stress kick in. You feel yourself getting nervous. I always just put my hand on my heart. It's almost like I signal myself, okay, we're going to do this. And I stop. I take a breath in and I just be there in the moment. Now, I have used this when I'm driving the car. I've used this before. I grab my wallet to pay for something. If I feel myself getting nervous about something, I use it as I grab the handle of the fridge because oftentimes I'm like going to the fridge because I'm kind of stressed out.
(00:24:16):
Stop, breathe, be. You can be at your laptop. You can have just finished a video conference call or a zoom meeting and it was a little stressful. And now you're like, oh my God. So before you close the laptop, just stop, breathe, be. You can do it anywhere. And what I love about this technique from Dr. Aditi, and I said this earlier, this is the exact same technique that she is giving and teaching to her patients. She prescribes this as a Harvard medical doctor running one of the largest stress management clinics in the world. And it works because it creates a micro moment of peace in your life, a moment where you can take control, where you can hit that reset.
Mel Robbins (00:25:03):
If you had asked me, Mel, what do you think the most popular topic of the year is going to be of the entire Mel Robbins podcast? I probably would've said something like, I dunno, motivation, relationships. I would not have thought it was menopause. And here's why. The listeners of the Mel Robbins podcast are all ages all over the world. And so I wouldn't have thought that it would've been a topic that impacts women of a certain age. But the fact is, you have a mom, you have older sisters, you have people in your life that are going through this. Maybe it's your wife. And so this became our most popular episode, not only because the topic is relevant to people in your life, but because the expert was absolutely extraordinary. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about the one and only Dr. Mary Claire Haver. Now Dr. Haver is a board certified OBGYN and a menopause expert. She's also a two-time New York Times bestselling author. She specializes in women's health and is a certified menopause practitioner.
(00:26:03):
She's also the bestselling author of the brand new book, the New Menopause, which is packed with all these accessible insights into navigating this journey. Every single day, 6,000 women in the United States alone enter menopause. And menopause for a lot of us is a phase that you dread. And Dr. Haver, she helps you move from dreading it to feeling empowered. And let me tell you something after this conversation, I'm sure either you or the people that you forwarded this to felt the exact same thing. Holy cow, why didn't anybody ever tell me this? I found the off switch for my hot flashes. I unlocked the door to better sleep. I started feeling like I loved my body again. Why? Because of all the things that Dr. Haver explained in plain English. She's saying, no, no, no, no. This is not a time where you're put out to pasture.
(00:26:55):
This is a time where you got to kick it up into high gear because you can thrive. Her groundbreaking approach insists that no one should be suffering through this phase of your life because you're going to spend a third of your life in menopause. This episode sparked not just a movement for women navigating menopause, but also for people who love and support them. There were so many important moments in this conversation that this would be a very good one to listen to the whole thing if you hadn't heard it. And certainly send the link to everybody that you love that is approaching menopause or in menopause. But I selected this moment because it's the most comprehensive tactical advice, which is what we all want to hear. And what you're going to hear Dr. Haver cover is she's going to cover the top three things that she recommends to her patients that they need to be eating. She's going to talk to you about the specific type of exercise that you need to be doing. If you're in menopause, she's going to give you tips about getting a better night's sleep. And she's going to very, very important warning about your phone and about alcohol, which is something you need to hear. And she's going to kick all of this information off by talking about the three things she recommends that every woman in menopause needs to be eating. Check this out.
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:28:10):
I have my top three things I would recommend to everyone. Fiber, track your fiber for a couple of weeks, get a nutrition tracker, see where you're at. Fiber does so much in our bodies. Number one feeds the gut microbiome. That's its food. So that's the prebiotic.
Mel Robbins (00:28:24):
Give me an example of what fiber is.
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:28:26):
Legumes, berry. Legumes. So beans.
Mel Robbins (00:28:32):
Okay
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:28:32):
Beans. So it's a class of beans. Peanuts are actually legumes as well. Typically really high in fiber. Berries really high in fiber. Seeds and nuts, really high in fiber. Those are kind of avocado. That's my go-to to make sure I'm getting my fiber gold every day also has healthy fats and other vitamins and minerals and nutrients. Mag magnesium.
Mel Robbins (00:28:53):
And this confuses me. I'm not quite sure what type of magnesium to take.
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:28:58):
Oh, great question. Your glycinates, your tates, your citrates and elates are good because they're readily absorbed into the bloodstream. So now we have nice magnesium levels in our blood. There's also benefit, some of them are better than others about crossing that blood brain barrier. So the brain protects itself. There's a membrane around the brain that it doesn't have this a hundred percent free flow of nutrients back and forth. It's really selective about what it lets in. So Mag L ate, which magine or NeuroMag are the brand names has been studied in like SSRI, resistant depression. So antidepressant resistant depression in patients. They've added in this, it seemed to be helpful. And my patients followers, it's so helpful for sleep anxiety. So I'm often recommending that one at night.
Mel Robbins (00:29:47):
One was that one.
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:29:48):
Magnesium, L three N eight.
Mel Robbins (00:29:50):
Okay, so you're saying fibers number one, magnesium is number two. How do you get magnesium naturally?
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:29:56):
So pumpkin seeds, spinach, leafy greens are rich in mag generally. I have a lot of lists on my website where we list all this stuff. We'll link to all this. And what's the
Mel Robbins (00:30:06):
Third thing?
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:30:06):
So I'm always looking at omega fatty acids. Omegas are usually found in fatty fish, also in flax, one of my favorite ways, I'll do this little yogurt and I'll have flax, hemp and chia seeds. So I'm just hitting all my antioxidants, my anti-inflammatory, my fiber all in one. So omega threes, if you can't get a good source of that, that's a very reasonable thing to supplement every day. One of the richest sources of that is going to be your salmon, your mackerel, your tuna, your fatty fish, your cold water fish. And then I check a vitamin D level on every woman who'll let me stick a needle in her 80% of my patients, not just low, I mean deficient. And there's a million reasons for this. We don't absorb it very well because our gut health declines. We're protecting our skin from the sun, which is another place, and we're not really creating it in our skin as fast as we used to.
(00:30:58):
So, and vitamin D is a hormone that has a million processes in the body. So I'm like, let's start here and get those vitamin D levels up because you're just not working as efficiently as you could. So again, about 70, 80% of my patients have an unexplained, no changes in diet or exercise, rise in cholesterol, absolutely secondary to estrogen deficiency. And again, rushing to put her on a statin will make her cholesterol go down, but is not going to decrease her risk of cardiovascular disease. And women who are on HRT have higher HDLs and lower LDLs than women who are not. When you compare the two groups, just being menopausal is an independent risk factor for an unhealthy cholesterol profile.
Mel Robbins (00:31:45):
So what kind o f exercise is critical?
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:31:47):
I grew up in the eighties and I was the cardio queen. I did so many step aerobics classes, I taught them it would make your head spin. I did not.
Mel Robbins (00:31:55):
I can actually see that I would take a step aerobics class with
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:31:58):
You. All of my exercise was to be thin and to maintain a certain body shape that was part of my social currency. And if I could go back and talk to what I tell my children all the time, we need to move our bodies to be strong, not skinny, and that we are chipping away this constant caloric restriction. And all this cardio is chipping away at our bone and muscle strength, which we are going to desperately need as we age, especially if you're built like me.
(00:32:27):
And I didn't pick up weights until I was well into my forties. And there's never too late. Anybody listening at any age can start weight training and you should. So I think that getting people to let go of this notion that thin is the way to be and that you're way better off having a little more curves and a lot more muscle is going to serve you in these menopausal years so much better than just being skinny. And if you're having a hard time sleeping, what do you recommend? So we have to look at why you're having a hard time. Progesterone goes a long way to helping us sleep. And so estrogen leads to hot flashes and night sweats, which are completely sleep disruptive. I mean, even with hormone therapy, I still have a thermometer leg that I have to throw out occasionally, a
Mel Robbins (00:33:18):
Thermometer leg. I was just talking to a friend this morning, she's like, oh, well I just stick my leg out and the fan hits it and that's how I cool myself down. And then
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:33:27):
Just throw it back in, throw it out, throw it back in. So I'm like, okay, let's get you on some estrogen. And so say she's had a hysterectomy and she doesn't have to have progesterone progesterone's an option. So I'm like, people sleep deeper. It has anxiolytic effect. What does that word mean? So anti-anxiety, antiotic
Mel Robbins (00:33:46):
Effect.
Dr. Mary Claire Haver (00:33:47):
Anti, yeah, sorry. Wow, that's a big antianxiety effect. Okay, so if you're sleep disruption is also you're having racing thoughts at night, you can't shut that brain off. Yes, this is my daughter. Progesterone is beautiful for these women, especially in perimenopause when we're skipping ovulations and we're not given that monthly surge of progesterone. Is this an option for somebody who's even before perimenopause? Perimenopause? You could, yeah. Yeah, you can safely take progesterone every day, even if you're premenopausal. Wow. It can be really helpful. Wow. Alright. So estrogen, progesterone, but also sleep hygiene. We can't negate the fact that we're on our phones too much at night. The blue light not setting up an environment for good sleep, a snoring partner, especially some of, and all the things we need to do to set ourselves up for success for sleep. And then when you sprinkle in the hormone changes, it's a disaster for some women.
(00:34:39):
And that's really something I zero in on with my patients. What do we need to know about alcohol? I don't know any woman who's in her menopausal journey who is processing alcohol the way she used to. The tolerance seems to be going down. I'm excited to see some more research come out about this, but in my world, I have to go in my personal experience, if I'm choosing to have a drink, I'm choosing not to sleep. I'm going to be up at 3, 2 30, 2, 3 31, whatever it is. And it is like a bomb going off even one glass. And I have to make that choice. I can't drink like I used to. Thank God, those college days, most of the women in my practice and on social media are commenting every time I talk about it, they're like, yep, gave it up. It's not worth
Mel Robbins (00:35:26):
It. And that's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the amount of information that Dr. Haver shared with all of us. And so I really encourage you to check that one out. And one of the things that she mentioned is brain fog. And that brings me to our next All-Star from this past year. And I'm talking about none other than Dr. Wendy Suzuki. Now, Dr. Suzuki is a world renowned neuroscientist, and it was crazy. She brought a real human brain to our studios in Boston. It was an unbelievable experience to have her in the studio and to hold a brain and to see a brain. I mean, it weighs more than you think and it makes you think very differently about your brain. Now Dr. Suzuki is the dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at New York University, and she's done all of this groundbreaking research in areas of memory and brain plasticity.
(00:36:21):
And you love that episode because it covered the simple things that you can do every single day to improve your learning, your focus memory, and your brain power. And what was so cool about her, and probably one of the reasons why you loved her so much, it certainly is why I loved her so much, is that she made neuroscience not only easy to understand, but she puts so much heart into it. She just loves the brain, but she somehow makes this very nerdy and intellectual topic human. And of course she has specific advice about things that you can do every day to support your brain health and you can check 'em all out if you listen to the episode, which is linked in the show notes. But the one moment that you really loved was one that related to her father. Dr. Suzuki told this just absolutely moving story about the fact that her father was starting to suffer from dementia.
(00:37:19):
And because she's a neuroscientist, she actually was recognizing all the signs and every single time she saw him, there was something that she really wanted to do that she had never done. What was it she wanted to tell her father that she loved him before it was too late. And so she told this beautiful story about the very first time that she told her father that she loved him and helped him create a new memory even though he was now struggling with dementia. But how this one thing changed her entire family dynamic as well. And I'm going to warn you, you're probably going to want to get out the tissues because I'm going to let Dr. Wendy Suzuki tell you the story.
Dr. Wendy Suzuki (00:38:04):
My father, very smart guy, he was an engineer and one day he drove back from the seven 11 that's only about eight blocks from our house. He would go there to get his afternoon cup of coffee and he told my mom that had a hard time finding his way back home. That's the spatial memory that's so dependent on the hippocampus. And as a hippocampal expert, when my mother told me that I knew immediately there was a problem with his hippocampus. That is the structure that is first affected in dementia, including Alzheimer's dementia, and that is what he ended up being diagnosed with. I wish I could say. So therefore, I had him immediately on an exercise plan. He was in his early eighties, maybe late seventies when that happened. I can't remember exactly his age. He was a little bit wobbly on his feet. He did like going for a walk, so he would go do that.
(00:39:08):
But there was a little bit of danger. As we all know with older people, there's a little risk taking. Again, going back to social interaction, the more time that I could spend with him, the more time that we can get him together with family where he came alive and he could think, can talk about all the memories that he had is a great way to go. As Japanese Americans, I'm third generation Japanese American. My parents are second generation Japanese Americans, other Japanese Americans out there will know. We don't say, I love you to each other, not because we don't love each other. It's just that you don't have to say that. It's just not part of our culture. But when my father had this dementia diagnosis, I was like, gosh, you know what? I want to start saying it. But it's very awkward when you're an adult child and you've never said, I love you to your parents as an adult.
(00:40:03):
Do you just blurt it out? It's like, what should I do? I had a long internal conversation about this and I realized that I should ask permission. Let's talk about it. And I didn't want to say, oh, because you have dementia, I want to say I love you. I was like, let's keep it light. Let's just ask. But I wanted to do it for my mom and my dad and I would call every Sunday and when I called, my mom would always answer the phone and I would tell her about the week, and then she would hand the phone to my dad and I'd tell him all the same stories. And then that's how the conversation went. But this Sunday I decided, I'm going to ask whether we can start saying, I love you for the first time in our whole adult lives. So it started out normally, and at some point in the middle, I said, mom, I realize we never say I love you.
(00:40:56):
At the end of these conversations, what do you think about saying, I love you, silence, silence on the other end of the phone. It's like, what is she asking me? She's never asked me that before. And of course I was just terrified that she would say no because she might. I mean, she may not be comfortable. I didn't know. I'd never asked her that question before. But after what seemed like hours, it was just a few seconds. She said, I think that's a great idea. I said, oh, okay, great. And so we kind of finished up our conversation and then both of us realized at the same time, I think that we had nothing more to say to each other. And we both knew that we had both agreed to say this thing. And I kind of describe it as it felt like two lions kind of circling each other.
(00:41:49):
What's going to happen? Who goes first? And it was my ask. So I said, okay, I love you. And she said, I love you too in our very Disney voices so we can get through it. And so I had the conversation with my dad and it was a little less awkward with him because I knew my mom says yes, and I knew my dad would say yes. And so we agreed with my dad. We said, I love you. Hung up the phone and burst into tears because I had kind of changed the whole family dynamic of generations of not saying I love you. And that was a tipping point in my family kind of history from not saying I love you to saying I love you. But the reason why I started telling this story is that the following week I called back again and my I love you with my mother was significantly less awkward.
(00:43:01):
But my father said, I love you first. And he remembered after a whole week he was in the middle of dementia. He didn't remember anything, but he remembered that we had agreed to say, I love you. And he said it first. And because I'm a neuroscientist that studies memory, I know why. And it's because emotional resonance makes hippocampal dependent memories stick. And his hippocampus was not working well, but the emotional resonance of his adult daughter asking for the very first time to say, I love you, it formed a new memory in my dad. And that was obviously something that I'll always remember because the last time I spoke to him, we also said, I love you.
Mel Robbins (00:43:55):
Oh my gosh, especially for those of you that have somebody in your life that you love that is struggling with memory issues or dementia or Alzheimer. I mean, what an unbelievably moving story. I am so proud of Dr. Suzuki and I'm so grateful that she shared that story with us, right? Because it's a beautiful reminder of something that Dr. Suzuki had said earlier, and that is that the brain is a mind blowingly complex, ridiculously brilliant, and let's be real magical thing. And what you learned with Dr. Suzuki is that you can change it. So if you're listening to this right now and you're feeling stuck in a family dynamic that's driving you nuts, or you wish you were the kind of family that said, I love you, you need to hear this. You can change this. It only takes one person to start shifting things and that one person could be you. Now, we have four more extraordinary experts that made the all-star list...
Mel Robbins (00:45:03):
And the person that you're about to meet next is somebody that is revolutionizing the way that we're treating mental health issues. His name is Dr. Chris Palmer. I waited to get him on the Mel Robbins podcast for months because I knew he would make you look at the way you need to think about mental health in an entirely new way. And his research and what he's been doing at McLean Hospital, which is Harvard's Hospital dedicated to mental health where he is been practicing for 30 years, is shaking up the mental health community around the globe. And he has this incredible down to earth way to explain this unbelievable research. And you shared this over and over. You rewatched this episode on YouTube over and over, and you wrote to us about how the simple things that Dr. Palmer shared with you have actually helped people that you love who are struggling with depression, schizophrenia, all kinds of mental health issues based on Dr.
(00:46:09):
Palmer's extensive clinical experience. He's on a mission to change the way that mental health is understood, discussed, and treated. Dr. Palmer has created something called the Brain Energy Theory, and he's revolutionizing the way that medical professionals think about mental illness, what it is, what causes it, and more importantly how to treat it. If you haven't heard the entire episode, I encourage you to check this episode out and share it with anybody in your life who is struggling with mental health issues. Dr. Palmer's wait list is three years long to be able to get in to see him, and this is having a private appointment. In short, Dr. Palmer says that mental health issues like anxiety and depression by schizophrenia, they happen when your brain's energy system, which is your metabolism, isn't working right, just like your heart can have problems. If you eat badly, your brain can have issues too.
(00:47:11):
I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it? Of course it does. And the good news, Dr. Palmer says that you can use modifications to your diet, to your exercise routine, to your lifestyle, to significantly improve your mental health. What does that mean? Well, it means the exact same things that help your heart and other organs in your body help you fix the problems in your brain too, which will help you improve your brain's energy and improve your overall mental health. And that brings me to one of your most favorite moments of the entire year, the one that you shared more than just about anything else with friends and family that you watched over and over on YouTube. And that is Dr. Palmer's specific protocol for treating someone who is dealing with any kind of mental health issue or any mental illness. I find his theory fascinating and his work revolutionary. And so during our conversation, I asked him, Dr. Palmer, I realize you're not treating me or anybody that's listening, but is it possible for you to just give us a broad stroke recommendation that any single person could follow for 21 days if they're struggling with mental health issues or a mental illness? And this is what he had to say.
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:48:28):
For people who are suffering from mild to moderate disorders, their safety is not in danger. They have not been suicidal, they haven't tried to hurt themselves or anyone else, they're not hallucinating or delusional. If I had to give generic advice, what's the highest bang for the buck? I would say try a ketogenic diet for three months and then we'll see how it goes. We actually have a tremendous amount of science on the ketogenic diet. Most people know the keto diet as a fad diet, a weight loss diet, a dangerous diet. So unbeknownst to most people, the ketogenic diet was developed over 100 years ago by a physician for one and only one purpose. It was not weight loss, it was to actually stop seizures. The ketogenic diet is now an evidence-based treatment. We have lots of randomized controlled trials. We have gold standard meta-analyses and the medical literature proving that this is effective, it is reputable, it is legitimate.
(00:49:46):
The ketogenic diet is an evidence-based treatment for treatment resistant epilepsy. And what that means is that if somebody has seizures and medications don't stop their seizures or even brain surgery doesn't stop their seizures, the ketogenic diet can often work in a way that medications and even brain surgery may not have worked for those people. So we have decades of research looking at the ketogenic diet, trying to figure out how on earth does this diet stop seizures when our great pills didn't like what is going on here? And so we know that the ketogenic diet is changing, is having profound effects on the brain function. It's changing neurotransmitters, it changes gene expression, it decreases brain inflammation and body inflammation as well. It central to my thesis, it actually improves mitochondrial function, which in a nutshell means it's improving metabolism and in particular brain metabolism. And so one of the great things about the ketogenic diet, like when it's used for epilepsy, is that people don't have to do it for life. Most often. People only need to do it for like two to five years. That actually,
Mel Robbins (00:51:09):
That sounds like a long time, honestly, two to five years of a. But what is it
Mel Robbins (51:15):
Because you guys say keto this, keto that keto ketosis or whatever the hell the words are. What is the keto? What am I eating? Walk me through a day of being on the keto diet.
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:51:26):
So the keto diet in a nutshell is very low in carbohydrates, moderate in protein, and high in fat. So I would recommend getting some information on a well formulated ketogenic diet. So you want to do it right? So what you would eat if you were doing a ketogenic diet. Again, I want to even set the stage. There are vegan versions of a ketogenic diet, vegetarian versions, omnivore versions where you're eating both animal sourced and plant sourced foods,
Mel Robbins (00:51:59):
And
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:51:59):
Even kind of carnivore versions of this diet where all you're eating is meat and eggs
Mel Robbins (00:52:05):
And
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:52:05):
Stuff like
Mel Robbins (00:52:05):
That. So this is very inclusive, everybody, but let's just say you and I are going to breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. What are we ordering?
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:52:11):
So what I might eat if I were eating a ketogenic diet, I am an omnivore. I eat both animal sourced and plant source foods. I would wake up and I might have eggs and bacon or sausage or some kind of meat. Let's go.
Mel Robbins (00:52:26):
Sounds like Sunday brunch, Dr. Palmer,
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:52:28):
I might add extra butter. If I need more fat, I might add extra butter to the eggs. So some people might look at me making my eggs thinking, why are you putting all that butter in your scrambled eggs? And I would say, because I need the extra fat for lunch and for lunch and dinner, similar meals, I would probably have a protein source. So that could be steak, chicken, salmon, poultry, and I would have low carb vegetables, so that could include broccoli, spinach, any kind of lettuces, cauliflower, cucumbers, pickles, things like
Mel Robbins (00:53:15):
That.
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:53:16):
I would take my pick when I prepared those vegetables. I would put extra sources of fat on those vegetables. So I would put olive oil and plain vinegar. So that might be my kind of serving. I might emphasize nuts and avocados because those are very high in fat and typically thought of as healthy sources of fat.
Mel Robbins (00:53:41):
So how long would you suggest that somebody, if they're going to start with the ketogenic diet, how long should you try it? And what would you look out for Dr. Palmer to know that it's actually impacting you in a positive way?
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:53:57):
So I would recommend getting some information on a well formulated ketogenic diet. You want to include enough healthy types of foods. People sometimes need extra electrolytes like sodium, potassium, magnesium when they get started on the diet. And nonetheless, there's this thing called the keto adaptation phase or keto flu. So the first week or two in particular can be very rough. I'm just going to let people know. People can feel weak, hungry, hangry, dizzy, irritable, other things really? Why? Because they're basically withdrawing from sugar or carbohydrates. More importantly, their body is trying to do this shift from burning primarily on carbohydrates to running on a combination of carbohydrates and fats as fuel sources. And for some people that can be an easier transition. For others, it can be a more difficult transition.
Mel Robbins (00:54:59):
So let's just say you get the keto flu. We're now on the other side of the keto flu. We're starting to perk up. What are you going to feel and how do you know if it's working?
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:55:10):
So the first thing that most people will start to feel is an antidepressant effect. And so they will start to notice that they just feel lighter. They have a little more energy, their brain starts working a little better. Some people might notice that their sleep is feeling more restorative. So if there's somebody who usually has to use an alarm, push the snooze button several times, they might start to notice that it's easier to wake up in the morning. They get going faster than normal for people using this for mental health, it's usually not a lifelong diet. What a lot of people will do it for one to five years, they actually reinvigorate their metabolism. Or most importantly, what that means to me is that they're improving their mitochondrial health, and that actually can then persist so that you've actually done some healing work on your body. And so that if you go back to a whole, foods still a healthy diet. I'm not encouraging people to go back to a junk food diet with a lot of processed foods, but if they start adding back carbohydrates, even complex carbohydrates, whole grains or potatoes and other things,
(00:56:38):
They may do extraordinarily well. And again, I want to be clear, I don't necessarily recommend the ketogenic diet for everyone. Not everybody needs it. Some people can just get rid of the junk food and the processed foods. Some people can just get rid of the extra sugar in their diet and do spectacularly well. So they might do well on a paleo diet or
Mel Robbins (00:57:03):
Whole 30,
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:57:05):
Whole 30 or a vegetarian or vegan, whole food, plant-based diet. There are lots of options.
Mel Robbins (00:57:11):
Okay, great. So eating healthy. What's the next step in your brain Energy protocol?
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:57:16):
Try to exercise a little more than you're currently doing.
Mel Robbins (00:57:20):
Is that all I have to do? If I'm doing zero, are you talking one day of resistance training is enough? Or would you want to see me out three
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:57:26):
Days? If you are doing zero, do anything. So if you did one day of resistance training a week, but you did most of your major muscle groups and you did it to the point of failure, that would be more than enough. I love it. But you've got to go to failure. If you're only going to work out once a week, you've got to go to failure. We need to build those muscles, which means you're not just going to lift it a couple times and say, oh, I'm tired. You're going to go until you can't go anymore. Just one set. But you're going to go until you can't go anymore. But it could be just taking a walk after dinner every night. If you can do it every night. It doesn't have to be a long walk. It could be a 10 minute walk, whatever. Just get out of the house, get away from a screen, walk around the block. The third thing I want you to prioritize sleep.
Mel Robbins (00:58:24):
How much do I need?
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:58:25):
You need at least seven or eight hours. The ideal way to know if you're getting adequate sleep is are you able to get out of bed reasonably okay. Or are you pushing the snooze button? Are you exhausted? Are you dragging yourself out of bed? If you're dragging yourself out of bed, you're not getting enough sleep, you should be able to wake up and get out of bed, and it should not be torture. If it's torture, you're not getting enough sleep. Go to bed earlier, turn off the television.
Mel Robbins (00:59:01):
Dr. Palmer, the
Dr. Chris Palmer (00:59:01):
Computer, whatever. Go to bed. Try to get more sleep. Reduce your use of harmful substances. That means alcohol. If you are really struggling with a mental health condition, give me three months off alcohol. I'm not asking for a lifetime, I'm asking for forever. Three months off alcohol because we're trying to give your brain a chance. If you were a professional athlete training for a marathon, your coach would tell you, no alcohol, none. Zero. Zero tolerance. Guess what else? No marijuana, no CBD, no smoking, no vaping, none. Period. End of story. Don't argue, don't talk back. Just don't do it. Don't do those things. Why? Because they're all negatively impacting your brain metabolism. Your brain metabolism is begging for help. We see it in the symptoms that you're exhibiting. We want to give you a fighting chance. You can introduce these things again in the future when you're healthy, when you're healthier and more resilient, and you can tolerate when drink every now and then. Great. But for now, while we're trying to help you heal and recover, we're going to give your brain a fighting chance.
Mel Robbins (01:00:26):
I just love him. I absolutely love him. And I know that anybody in your life that's struggling is going to love him too because you could just tell he is so earnest. He's on this mission and he believes in your ability to heal. He believes in your brain's ability to get better. And after sitting down with him for two episodes, I 1000% believe in his brain energy theory. And I also love how he breaks things down in a way that makes it doable. Didn't you love it when he said if you're doing zero exercise, just walking around, the block counts? Yes, that's a win. And don't forget his advice on sleep. If getting out of bed feels like torture, it's time to get your butt to bed earlier. Don't you love a doctor's? Like get your butt to bed. I love that. Plus cutting out alcohol and other substances for three months just to give your brain and your mental wellness a fighting chance. Of course, that's advice you need to hear and I need to hear, and the people that you love need to hear. And what I love about these episodes, honestly and these conversations, is that you and I can tell the people that we love this stuff till we're blue in the face, but when they hear it from the world's leading medical doctor at Harvard, perhaps they'll actually do it because it's only in the doing it that it's going to make a difference.
Mel Robbins (01:01:41):
And that brings me to another of our remarkable All stars from this past year, and that is Sarah Jakes Roberts. She's a pastor, a philanthropist, an international bestselling author. Her latest book was an Instant New York Times bestseller. She's, I dunno, she's like a messenger for your soul. And I have not stopped thinking about the time that I've spent with her. Her words just rang over and over and over again.
(01:02:10):
In your mind, in my mind. And what Sarah's about to say is something that will shift the way that you or that someone that you love thinks about who you are, about your past, about what's possible. She's talking about embracing every single part of who you are, the wins, the mistakes, the moments that you wish you could erase. Learning to love yourself because of them, not in spite of them. Because if you've ever felt trapped by a single moment in your life, if you've ever felt like you've been labeled or cast aside or you've beaten yourself up for a mistake that you've made, this moment is for you because Sarah is going to show you how to stop punishing yourself and instead step boldly into the fullness of who you are and you better believe me, this is the kind of message that stays with you for a lifetime.
Sarah Jakes Roberts (01:03:06):
Instead of seeking a sense of belonging, a sense of okayness from other people, maybe I can just embrace myself. If I could find a way to be okay with myself, then I can wrap my arms around who I am. And for me, I had to sit with myself until I no longer cringed. I had to sit with myself until I no longer felt shame. I had to sit with myself until I could experience compassion where I once felt guilt. And from that place of compassion, I learned to love who I am and like, yes, this is my story. And no, it may not be perfect, but I'm going to stick beside me.
Mel Robbins (01:03:51):
Every single one of us has stuff that we've done in the past, things that we have done to ourselves or other people, mistakes that we think that we've made. How do you begin the process of sitting with yourself? How do you learn how to forgive yourself?
Sarah Jakes Roberts (01:04:13):
It starts with intention. I sat with myself. I will say those 10 years I was sitting with myself, but I was sitting with myself punishing myself. How could you be so stupid? You made the biggest mistake. No one's ever going to want you. Sometimes we are sitting with ourselves, but how we are sitting with ourselves is why we can't heal. You can't want to heal and punish yourself at the same time to repeat the words that other people have spoken over you that were negative. Having it replay in your mind over and over again while you sit with yourself will never bring you to a place of healing. Sitting with yourself with the pursuit of compassion, with the pursuit of love and acceptance, that is when we start sitting with ourself and experience some discomfort and some dysregulation. Because sitting with myself and trying to be compassionate requires me to stretch, to love myself in a way that I don't think is possible. And as long as you don't think it's possible to sit with yourself and love yourself every facet of who you are, it doesn't matter who you love, it doesn't matter what you achieve until you can really sit with yourself. None of those things are going to make you feel better either. But it is the greatest, absolute greatest gift that you can give yourself to allow love to flood the place where you once felt an emptiness.
Mel Robbins (01:05:35):
I really want to highlight a particular sentence that she said that I think is one of the most important sentences that I heard the entire year. You cannot heal while you're still punishing yourself. I mean, is that not just one of the most profound truths you've ever heard? And how often do you sit with yourself just replaying the same harsh critical thoughts? You think you're just reflecting, but the reality is you're just repeating the pain over and over and over again. What Sarah is reminding you of is that true healing. It doesn't come from self punishment, it comes from self-acceptance, from self-compassion, learning how to sit with yourself as uncomfortable as it may be. I mean, it not only takes courage, but it's an act of love choosing to say, yes, I've made some mistakes. Yes, I have flaws, but I'm going to sit here and I'm going to love myself anyway.
(01:06:37):
And here's the real magic. When you embrace who you are, imperfections and all, and you stop seeking validation from other people, you'll realize you don't need the validation because you've actually learned how to give it to yourself. I mean, that's the gift that Sarah Jakes just gave you. It's not just healing, it's freedom. And so take a moment today to sit with yourself and if you were inspired by that, get down to the notes and spend an hour with me and Sarah Jakes Roberts because she will lift you up and you deserve that. And if there's someone in your life that is really just beating themselves up and they can't see the gifts that they have to offer, then share that episode with them too. Because Sarah was just getting started with that clip. There's a lot more that she had to say. So take a listen.
Sarah Jakes Roberts (01:07:27):
And we don't do ourselves any favors by committing to punishing ourselves over and over again for what we did, for what we allowed to happen. This is what we say though. We say to ourselves, I'm going to keep this from happening again by constantly living with it right in front of me. And if I can live with it right in front of me, if I can beat myself up, if I can punish myself, then I will keep this from happening again. I will prepare myself for further rejection from other people if I constantly remember how unworthy I am, how little value I possess. And so in many ways, we think this is me protecting myself by constantly keeping it in front of my face. But if we're honest, we do long for an existence where we want to believe that I am not just this one moment, but we will never be more than that one moment if we constantly replay that moment in our head.
(01:08:28):
And so to invite into our atmosphere, what other moments do I want to have? What other things do I want to define me? I spent so long not wanting to be defined as a teen mom, instead of saying, I will be defined as being a teen mom, but also I'm going to be an incredible person, but also I'm going to love myself, but also I'm going to dream and I'm going to be an author and a teen mom. I'm not trying to disconnect from who I was. I'm trying to bring all of who I am into the fullness of where I am, I'm this and that. I am all of these things. And I thought that because I was this one thing, I had no permission to be anything else. So yeah, the truth is, yeah, I'm a teen mom. Yes, I've gone through divorce.
(01:09:14):
I've got a laundry list of things that I never wanted to be that I've had to step boldly in. And in addition to that, I'm on the Mel Robbins podcast. And in addition to that, you know what I mean, millions of people tuned into you every single week, cry. All of those things are true. All of these things are true. And I don't want to be all of my achievements. Gosh, can you imagine what that would be? The pressure and the arrogance connected to that. I want to be this beautiful mixture, this beautiful tapestry of a girl own a journey and a woman owning her power. And I can live in all of that. I can do all of that.
Mel Robbins (01:09:52):
Oh my God, I just love her so much. I love how she looks at life. I love how she looks at herself and just the journey that we're all on. I mean, such a powerful reminder, right? You're not defined by a single moment or a single mistake or your achievements, and you do that. You think if you can just keep your failures front and center, you can protect yourself and you won't let it happen again. But the truth is, by doing that, you trap yourself in that moment. What Sarah gave you is a gift she gave you the freedom to say, but also, yeah, you've made mistakes, but also you're growing. Yeah, you've been through tough times, but also you're stepping into your power. You're not just one chapter of your life, you're the whole book. And that's what makes us so beautiful. It's permission to embrace all of who you are, the wins, the losses, the messiness, the magic, because you are so much more than that One moment. And the year we've spent together on the Mel Robbins podcast, learning from all these experts was more than one moment too.
Mel Robbins (01:10:56):
But that brings me to the last two experts and moments on the podcast that you picked. And you want to know what they're about. They're about regrets. And I think you love them because they were really poignant and that's what made them among the highest ranking episodes. It's what made them the things that you kept sharing with people that you loved, that you wrote in about. You even talked about these and the reviews that you left. I mean, it was overwhelming how moved you were by what these two experts had to say to you about what's actually important in life and what's not. They gave you perspective in an instant. And the first one comes from the extraordinary Dr. Robert Waldinger. Now, when he came onto the show, I have to say that it may be one of the most important conversations that you could listen to because everything that he shared is so incredibly true.
(01:11:55):
Dr. Waldinger is a psychiatrist. He's a Zen Buddhist. He is also a professor at Harvard Medical School and he happens to be the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Now, the Harvard Study of Adult Development is an 86 year long study that is the single longest study that's ever been done on happiness, relationships and the human experience. And Dr. Waldinger came to our studios in Boston to talk about all the findings from this study and what research says it means to live a good life. Now, he covered so much information and there was so much amazing life-changing advice that you absolutely loved. But there was one moment in particular that you listened to over and over again, and it's this. I asked Dr. Waldinger, if you look at all the research from this 86 year long study, what did the participants in the study say at the end of their life when they reflected back, what were their biggest regrets and what were the biggest lessons? And listened to what Dr. Waldinger shared? The
Dr. Robert Waldinger (01:13:08):
Biggest regrets two categories. One was I wish I hadn't spent so much time at work. I wish I had spent more time with people. I cared about almost the number one regret. And then the other regret, and this came more from women than from men, was I wish I hadn't worried so much about what other people thought. And so those are the two big regrets. The things that people were proudest of were not their achievements, and many people had achieved a lot. It was people. I was a good mentor, I was a good partner. I was a good parent. I was a good boss. It was always about the relationships. Even among people who had won huge prizes or gotten big accolades, that's not what they named when they were looking back on their life.
Mel Robbins (01:14:10):
When you hear 'em say it, it's true. And you and I need these reminders so easy to get sucked up in work and all the stressful things going on that you forget that at the end of the day, it's about the people in your life. That's what actually matters. I know after hearing this research and hearing Dr. Waldinger explain it just so matter of factly, it certainly made me prioritize my relationships both with my adult kids and my parents and the friends that I need to make more of an effort to see. And I know it did the same for you because you shared this moment over and over and over again. And I was curious particularly about that point that he said that women felt that they wasted too much of their lives worrying about what other people think, that that's one of the biggest regrets. And so I asked him, well, do you have advice for how to stop doing that? And this is what Dr. Waldinger had to say.
Dr. Robert Waldinger (01:15:05):
Well, it's realizing that first of all, most of that's not going to matter when we're dead, but what will matter? Am I treating people well? That will matter and people will remember it even after we're gone. It's not what people think, but it's what I do. So one of the sayings I like a lot is 20 years from now, the only people who will remember whether you worked late are your children. And so if you think about it, so much of what we worry about is my boss going to like me? Are people going to think I'm a good this or that? It is not going to matter down the road, but whether I was a good ethical person, that's going to matter a lot. We matter and our behavior matters, but it's not necessarily other people's opinions about whether my curtains were the right shade of blue on the windows.
Mel Robbins (01:16:06):
He is such a kind way of calling us out, doesn't he? When he said that line about the only person that's going to remember that you worked late is your kids. That was like a oof. He's right. You're losing sleep over whether or not people are impressed by what you're wearing or you've got enough followers or your home looks like an Instagram before and after post. Nobody cares. The truth is, none of that stuff is going to matter when you're gone. What's going to matter the way you treat people, the kind of person you are, whether or not you showed up when it mattered for the people who love you. And 20 years from now, your coworkers aren't going to remember the emails you sent at midnight, but your kids, well, they'll remember. They'll remember that you were always stressed out or they'll remember that you were there for them.
(01:16:53):
So the big wake up call there, stop putting so much weight on what other people think. One other thing that is going to help you, the let them theory, let them think whatever they want. Let them think whatever they want about your curtains or your outfit or you're doing for a living, or the fact that you can't work this weekend, spending the time with your kids. Just focus on what matters to you, your character, your kindness, how you make other people feel. Because what I've found in life is that when you are proud of who you are, you don't actually care what other people think. And that's what's going to last is how you show up. That's what people are going to carry with them long after you're gone, who you were for them. And that's something that you can take control of right now.
(01:17:43):
And that leads us to our next moment with Dr. Zach Bush. So Dr. Bush is a triple board certified physician in internal medicine, endocrinology, and hospice care. From his groundbreaking work in gut health to his advocacy and farming to his profound experiences guiding people through the end of their lives, Dr. Zach brings wisdom that can help you live a more meaningful and authentic life. And on the episode that you just absolutely loved and shared with everybody, that Dr. Zach was here to teach you all of these lessons that he's learned from being with people as they were experiencing the final moments of their life. And so these are lessons that he learned as a hospice doctor that you can use right now to stop performing and to start embracing who you are and to truly allow yourself to live your life. And so I asked Dr. Zach, after all the work that you've done in hospice and being with people as they leave this lifetime, what are the things that you see people regret that can help you and me live a better life? And this is what he had to say.
Dr. Zach Bush (01:18:59):
Yeah, the number one regret is I was performing the whole time.
(01:19:03):
I never was actually being me, and I was afraid to be me, and I didn't even know what it would feel like to be me. But right now, as I'm dying, as that veil thins, I feel myself and I'm a beautiful being. I'm whole. And so really the regret is, wow, if I'd just known I was whole the whole time and hadn't had to do all the performance, every being is whole and there's no need for a performance. Whatever happened in your life, it looked like a good life, looked like a bad life. That's the beauty of near-death experiences. You suddenly realize it was all perfect. The whole thing was perfect. It was exactly what I needed to learn, the things I learned to become the one I became. And ultimately to realize I was whole the entire time, any perception of incompleteness was incorrect.
(01:19:43):
And so I hope that one of you falls deeply in love with your state as a being that is whole. At every step of life. You are the most beautiful thing. You are the entire divine expression of your soul. And that's where the near death experience is. A gift is if you can actually feel what it feels like to be whole. It's not something to be achieved. You've always been whole. You were whole at the beginning. You will still be whole at the end of your life journey. If there's only a perception that you are incomplete right now, you are the most beautiful thing.
Mel Robbins (01:20:14):
Just take a moment and let his word soak in, particularly these last two experts and these moments where Dr. Zach Bush and Dr. Waldinger are sharing these profound lessons that they've learned from being with people who are at the end of their lives. And here's what I'm taking away from all this advice, that you got to stop waiting for the right time or the perfect moment or for work to slow down or for someone else's approval to fully live your life. You have everything that you need right now. Drop the act. Embrace who you are, drink the cup of coffee and allow yourself to enjoy it. Heck, sit down and drink it instead of racing to the next thing. Stop, breathe, be laugh with your kids. Call your friends. Spend time with your parents while you can treat every day like the gift that it is.
(01:21:23):
Because as every one of your favorite experts have told you today, when you strip away all the noise, when you stop allowing everyone to stress you out, when you truly just embrace yourself for everything that you are, the flaws, the amazing things, you just show more compassion what's left when you strip it all away, that's what really matters. Being fully alive and fully yourself. I want to thank you for being here with me. Whether you've been here all year or you're just listening for the first time, these moments really impacted me and I know they impacted you. So thank you for sharing these episodes. Thank you for replaying these moments. Thank you for writing in and telling me how much you got out of these conversations and so many more. And we're just getting started. This year's been incredible. Next year going to be even better.
(01:22:27):
And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And everything that you heard in the episode today is the exact formula to do that from your brain to your mental health, to your overall physical health, to truly the things that matter. Stop being so hard on yourself and embrace who you are and allow yourself to live your life and truly enjoy it. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode. And for you on YouTube, thank you for being here all year, and thank you for helping us select the most memorable moments. It's the moments that you are going back and rewatching and sharing. And so thank you for being a huge part of the pieces that we selected today.
(01:23:16):
And thanks for sharing this with your friends and family. And one more thing, would you hit subscribe? That would be my favorite moment of the year because it's my goal to make sure that 50% of the people that watch this channel are subscribers. It's free. It really helps our team. It tells us that you're enjoying what you're watching, and it supports us in bringing you new videos every single day. And speaking of new videos, I'm sure you're thinking, okay, this was amazing. So what can I watch next? Well, you can always click on all of the episodes because we've linked them below in the description. But if you want to see a great one, I've picked out this one for you, and I'm going to be waiting for you in it. The moment you hit play.
Guests Appearing in this Episode
Dr. Chris Palmer, MD
Dr. Chris Palmer is currently the director of the Department of Postgraduate and Continuing Education at McLean Hospital, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, and thought leader in the connection between mental and metabolic health.
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Books
Drawing on decades of research, Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Chris Palmer outlines a revolutionary new understanding that for the first time unites our existing knowledge about mental illness within a single framework: Mental disorders are metabolic disorders of the brain.
Palmer puts together the pieces of the mental illness puzzle to provide answers and offer hope. Brain Energy will transform the field of mental health, and the lives of countless people around the world.
Dr. Mary Claire Haver, MD
Dr. Mary Claire Haver is a board certified obstetrics and gynecology specialist and a certified menopause practitioner from the Menopause Society.
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Book: The New Menopause
Menopause is inevitable, but suffering through it is not! This is the empowering approach to self-advocacy that pioneering women’s health advocate Dr. Mary Claire Haver takes for women in the midst of hormonal change in The New Menopause.
Arming women with the power to secure vibrant health and well-being for the rest of their lives, The New Menopause is sure to become the bible of midlife wellness for present and future generations.
Dr. Robert Waldinger, MD
Dr. Robert Waldinger is a psychiatrist, Harvard professor, and Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running study on human happiness.
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Book: The Good Life
What makes a life fulfilling and meaningful? The simple but surprising answer is: relationships. The stronger our relationships, the more likely we are to live happy, satisfying, and healthier lives. In fact, the Harvard Study of Adult Development reveals that the strength of our connections with others can predict the health of both our bodies and our brains as we go through life.
With “insightful [and] interesting” (Daniel Gilbert, New York Times bestselling author of Stumbling on Happiness) life stories, The Good Life shows us how we can make our lives happier and more meaningful through our connections to others.
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber, MD, PhD
Dr. Tara Swart Bieber is a neuroscientist at MIT, medical doctor, and author specializing in neuroplasticity, manifestation, and the science of success.
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Book: The Source
Self-help books like The Secret show us that if we can tap into “The Law of Attraction,” we have the power to change our destiny simply by reshaping our mind. Millions of people have used the ancient systems of manifestation and visualization to find health, success, love, friendship, wealth, and more. But does the “Law of Attraction” actually work? And more important, is this kind of life-changing philosophy within reach for everyone, even the most skeptical among us?
The truth is, most of the things we want—health, happiness, wealth, love—are governed by our ability to think, feel, and act—in other words, by our brain. Dr. Swart combines the insights and inspiration of The Secret with the practical lessons of The Master Key System to help a new generation fulfill their dreams. The Source is a rigorous, proven toolkit for unlocking our minds—and reaching our fullest potential.
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Podcast: Reinvent Yourself with Dr. Tara
Reinvent Yourself with Dr. Tara follows Dr. Tara Swart Bieber, an expert on neuroplasticity, as she spreads her message of self-care and transformation. Her idea is simple: no matter how old, how stubborn, or how set in their ways, everyone has the capacity to change. Based on real science, Dr. Tara will show the world what it means to look into the mirror and reinvent themselves.
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar, MD
Dr. Aditi Nerurkar is a physician, integrative medicine expert, and lecturer at Harvard Medical School specializing in stress management and resilience.
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Books
Dr. Nerurkar illuminates why our everyday attempts at being “resilient”—like multitasking, sleeping less, and undergoing huge lifestyle overhauls—aren’t beneficial to our stressed brains. Instead, she prescribes practical, real-world solutions for our modern-day perils that are time efficient, cost-free, and can be applied to anyone’s life, including following the Resilience Rule of 2 (making no more than two changes at a time because doing more is unsustainable), accepting that multitasking is a myth (our brains are wired to do one thing at a time!), and adopting her Bookend Method (creating boundaries to honor our brain’s need for compartmentalization).
The five mindset shifts, along with fifteen proven techniques, offer you a road map to change your relationship with stress, bring your biology back into balance, and feel calmer right now.
Sarah Jakes Roberts
Sarah Jakes Roberts is a NYT bestselling author, speaker, and pastor empowering women to embrace their purpose and rise above life’s challenges.
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Books
Undoubtedly, there are moments when hope is obscure. That's because hope has many hiding places. It hides behind heartbreak, camouflages in stress, and disguises itself in grief. It only takes a few disappointments before our expectations are hijacked by doubt and disbelief. Hope is easy to lose and hard to find, but there is never a season when hope is out of reach.
Inspiring you towards the pursuit of hope with a lens of compassion, Sarah serves as a guide who exposes the hidden hope that awaits you each day.
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Podcast: Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts
In a world of mixed messages, the Woman Evolve Podcast is blending faith with contemporary culture and keeping it all the way real! Host Sarah Jakes Roberts and guests will revolutionize the airwaves with down-to-earth convos that'll edify every aspect of the woman. This show has a distinct way of defying boundaries and reaching those who are seeking to make peace with their past, maximize their present, and unequivocally evolve. We're calling out all of our homegirls and a few good fellas to tap in weekly!
Dr. Zach Bush, MD
Dr. Zach Bush is a triple board certified physician, educator, and thought leader in regenerative agriculture and the connection between health and the environment.
Dr. Wendy Suzuki, PhD
Dr. Wendy Suzuki is a neuroscientist, author, and dean at the NYU College of Arts and Sciences specializing in the science of neuroplasticity, exercise, and brain health.
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Book: Good Anxiety
We are living in the age of anxiety, a situation that often makes us feel as if we are locked into an endless cycle of stress, sleeplessness, and worry. But what if we had a way to leverage our anxiety to help us solve problems and fortify our well-being? What if, instead of seeing anxiety as a curse, we could recognize it for the unique gift that it is?
If we simply approach anxiety as something to avoid, get rid of, or dampen, we actually miss an opportunity to not only manage the symptoms of anxiety better but also discover ways to improve our lives. Listening to our worries from a place of curiosity, instead of fear, can actually guide us onto a path that leads to joy.
Resources
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- Scientific American: Why your brain needs more downtime
- Harvard Medical School: Screen Time and the Brain
- American Psychological Association: How stress affects your health
- Psychology Today: How Stress Is Contagious
- Current Obesity Reports: The effects of chronic social stress on obesity
- The Menopause Society: Find a Menopause Practitioner
- The New York Times: Women have been misled about menopause
- The Journal of Menopause Society: Resistance training for postmenopausal women: systematic review and meta-analysis
- PLOS One: Social connectedness as a determinant of mental health
- Journal of Neuroscience: Cognitive-Affective Neural Plasticity following Active-Controlled Mindfulness Intervention
- Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine: The Extraordinary Importance of Sleep
- Current Opinion in Psychiatry: Ketogenic diet for schizophrenia
- Cell Metabolism: A ketogenic diet exhibits longevity in adult mice
- Int. Journal of Bipolar Disorders: Metabolic profile in patients newly diagnosed
- Harvard Business Review: Stop being so hard on yourself
- Harvard Medicine: The Good Life (an interview)
- The Atlantic: Longest study in human health found the key to a good life
- Yale Scientific: The brink of death: a new perspective
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