To Anyone Going Through a Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart & Move On

Mel Robbins (00:29:31):

What was it like to hear his voice for the first time having not spoken to him for 30 days?

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:29:39):

Yeah. Well, I remember having pretty much a panic attack and nerves and anxious bathroom breaks and absolutely everything was going on, but I can now look back and again realize I probably shouldn't have reached out. And I think it did set me back while I did feel better. I personally don't really believe in closure. And so I think it didn't give me the closure I was looking for.

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:16):

Well, let's stop there because I think we want someone else to say something to make you feel better, and that's why we seek closure. But what closure actually means now that we're defining a breakup and this 30 day rule as giving yourself this space to start processing the separation in your nervous system and the grieving that you need to do is that I think people see closure because they don't understand the fact that they're grieving and that are having to process this deprogramming of life with another person. And so the closure you think is just going to somehow reset your nervous system and you're going to be fine. And that's going to be that. And it doesn't actually happen because that work is internal

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:31:22):

100%. I think no one else can ever give you

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:24):

Closure. And here's the other point I'm going to say, I know somebody is listening to us right now and go, oh, no, no, no. When he told me he was in love with somebody else and was cheating, that closed the door. Well, what it actually did was forced you to process it because you knew then there was no going back. And it was you holding out hope and you checking in and you having this relationship alive in your mind that didn't allow for the closure. You didn't actually process because you didn't follow this rule of absolutely no contact for 30 days.

Sawyer Robbins (00:32:44):

Years? Yeah, I literally wrote that down right now. I wrote down, if I had had these tools that we're about to talk about including the 30 day rule, including the reality that you and another person's nervous systems are intertwined together and therefore you need to unlearn all of these neuropathways and these impulses that I think I would've gotten over my previous boyfriend a lot quicker

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:16):

And him over you too.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:33:18):

Yes, both of us would've been so much better off had we had this toolkit and the survival guide, but instead I took five years.

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:32):

It makes a lot of sense. And we've talked about the 30 day rule and I'm glad you keep coming to the nervous system. Here's what I also want to highlight. It's normal to want to reach out because you're used to reaching out. It's normal to want to text their parents because you're used to it. It's normal to want to send the meme. It doesn't mean you're meant to be together. Those are impulses and signaling and habits in your nervous system. That is not a sign from God that this is your person. And when you understand that, it's just like any other form of withdrawal, you're going to feel it. And the work here is to notice it. And I'm hoping that whether it's you in the breakup or you supporting someone, understand that this is an unlearning that you can give space and compassion to the impulse without acting on it.

 

(00:34:26):

And that's where the Let Them theory comes in because you got to say, let them, let them leave, let them break up and then you move to the second part. Let me keep my promise to myself. No contact 30 days. Let me take a breath here and remind myself that I promised myself that I would have no contact. Let me take a breath and send this meme to my sister or my mom. Let me take a breath and drive down a different road instead of driving down their road. Let me support myself through this 30 days and 

(00:36:18):

No contact for you might be like, okay, I've unlearned that and I don't miss it. Let's go. Okay? And it might take 11 weeks for you to go, I actually feel better and I'm going to be okay. And it might take you a little longer, but it will get better. And the Let Them Theory is going to help you move through this and learn from it because you're going to keep going. Let them, let them date other people. Let them hook up with other people. Let them break up with me. Let them not reach out. Let them look like they're having fun on social media. Let them look like their life's a party. Let them date somebody who's really wealthy and now they're going on trips that we could never do. And I'm sitting here alone in my parents' basement. Let them, let them no contact for 30 days, three months to process this. 11 weeks, you'll start to feel better. And here's the other thing I want you to know. All this sadness is a mentally healthy response to heartbreak.

 

(00:37:26):

And when you're ready, there are a couple things that based on the research, Sawyer and I are going to teach you just six simple things that you can do that are proven to help you move through this processing part in a more powerful, productive and supportive way. Things that help you with the processing, things that help you move forward, things that help you connect with yourself and remind you of who you are. So when you reached out to him, did you guys get back together? No. And after you spoke because you have had the 30 day break of zero contact, I mean no photos, no nothing, no social, no nothing. How did you feel even though that conversation didn't result in a I miss you, let's get back together. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. It was like, thanks, bye.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:38:27):

I definitely was upset at first. I will be honest, but I don't think I was nearly as upset as I think I would've been had I reached out five days after we broke up. I think the time and the space, I know a lot of people say that helps, but I do think forcing myself to cut ties to not reach out, I think it also helped that he didn't reach out, so I wasn't, well, I wish he did. He didn't. And that completed the full 30 days for the both of us. And I think that when we had our conversation, which I wanted to call and just talk a little bit about the breakup because our initial parting was very short, and so I wanted to quote, get a little more closure. Did I get the closure? No. But did I feel like I could really move on at that point?

 

(00:39:34):

Yes, because I had the official no from him. And that being said, I was not on an upward path after that. It was a continuous rolling hill. So that day after hanging up, I was feeling good. I was feeling better, okay, I can move on the next week, sobbing on the gym floor again, hyperventilating, crying, making up fantasies, stalking him constantly, maybe stalking his location sometimes and being a weirdo like most of us are. But it wasn't just an upward trajectory after that. It was three months and then some to really start to feel like I was going to get over this and going to move past this. And what I will say about that is the only let them, the tool of let them helped me so much in this breakup because every time I saw a photo of him with someone else or on the stories, because they would come up, I couldn't control that.

 

(00:40:46):

And the first thing that would come to my mind is let them, I can't control who he's going to be with. I can't control what he's going to do. I can't control who he's going to sleep with. I can't control his life. He's no longer in my life and that is his decision. It's not mine. And so therefore, just constantly saying, let them, let them, let them and let me be really sad. Let me grieve. I remember telling you all the time, just let me be sad. Stop trying to solve everything. Stop trying to make me feel better. Let me grieve. Let me be sad. I need to feel this. And I know everyone around you when you're going through a breakup, they just want to make you feel better because your emotions make them feel really uncomfortable

 

(00:41:32):

And it brings up stuff for them. And so they just want to squash whatever you're feeling and distract you, and I'll take a shot or I'll go do this. What you need to do as someone who is going through the breakup is you can say to people, let me be sad. You are one of my best friends. Let me bring him up in every conversation because I have to talk about him right now. I have to bring this up and that's a way that you can let them while let me still be grieving and be sad and moving through it and processing. And to be honest, I kept doing that and kept doing that and it was helpful. But the only thing that actually got me to the acceptance stage, which we'll talk about next, and everything that you can move once you actually accept that this relationship is over, is the fact that the future I had made up in my mind was never actually going to happen. And that is the only thing that I was completely unwilling to accept, always thinking about us getting back together or five years from now running into each other in the street of New York City. Oh, nice to see you. 20 pounds lighter hair, blown out, Botox, all this dude and even that.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:59):

So you still, even though you accepted the breakup, you had not accepted the fact that at the end of the aisle he would not be there.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:43:10):

Yes. No,

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:11):

That when your children are born, they would not be with him.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:43:16):

I did not accept that. And that is what kept him around for so long is I

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:21):

In your mind, in

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:43:22):

Fantasy mind, in my mind, he was not

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:24):

Around.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:43:24):

No, not in my text, not in anything. It was dry. Just like your vagina. No, I'm just kidding. No, literally cobwebs. Especially when you're living at your parents' house. But it honestly is all about the fantasy.

 

(00:43:48):

I think that that was what happened in my last relationship. That's what happened in this relationship is after it was over, I was accepting of the fact that we had broken up. I was accepting of the fact that, you know what? There probably is someone else out there for me. You know what? We didn't agree on this or that or the other thing, and maybe there is someone better, I don't know. And everything happens for a reason. I was able to accept that. And whenever anyone came to me and said, maybe this is for the best, I was able to receive that and process that. But what I wasn't willing to accept is that later on, he wouldn't come back in my life.

 

(00:44:27):

And I think that that is what fantasizing that life that I thought we were going to have is what kept me so anchored in this heartbreak and in this depression. And it made me, I loved feeling that sadness. It was like crack because it made me feel like this is not actually over Sawyer. You can hold onto this. And that's what I held onto. But as soon as you kept saying to me, let them let them, this is over Sawyer, it sucked to hear, but it also made me realize he's not reaching out. There's not anything I can do that's going to change him because I can't control him. It's true. And that's what you'll learn in Let Them Theory book is you cannot control another human being. Their thoughts, their feelings, their actions, anything. And so I kept saying to you, if he wanted to, he would.

 

(00:45:26):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (00:45:27):

And he's not. And you have to let them and you have to move on. And just to widen this out a little bit, I've got friends of my life, I'm realizing as you're sharing that the sadness was an anchor and you refused to let go of it because it kept you tied to him who have been divorced for years. And yes, they share custody, which is a whole nother complicated ball of wax, but they hold on to so much anger and it's as if that anger means they're still married to them. The anger keeps them in a relationship with them and they refuse to give it up and refuse to accept that this person not only has left you, they've divorced you, they have met someone else, they do not like you. And yet you are still unwilling to go through what we've talked about in the first part of this conversation, which is the processing and the unlearning and the letting go of any hope or any fantasy and learning how to live without them.

 

(00:46:45):

And when you do that and you do it for real, what you have access to is peace and power. I know a lot of you may be like, oh, but my ex is a jerk. And they're like, let them send crazy texts. Let them not parent how you want. Let them marry someone you hate. Let them, you've moved on. You're no longer anchored to them. You just are sharing children with them. Let them and focus on the let me part. I'm building a life without you, so I don't need to worry about managing you. I need to worry about the safety and the happiness of my children, but I'm not holding onto this anger because the anger is tied to this isn't fair and it's not just, and I can do something about it and you can't. That's really insightful.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:47:40):

I think another thing too that's super easy to hold onto going off of some of your friends who may be hanging onto some anger is the fact that when you break up, the only thing that you hold onto is the good memories.

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:58):

Oh, that's true.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:47:58):

And so you replay and you replay all these amazing memories and make it just seem like a Barbie movie and unbelievable. And you just completely block out anything that may have been dysfunctional or you disagreed on or the reason that you broke up. And I think that that also because you're so in denial in the beginning of it all and going through those stages of grief that you convince yourself that absolutely everything was perfect. So why are we not together

 

Mel Robbins (00:48:40):

Again, the fantasy.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:48:41):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:48:42):

Which is again, why this is a huge part of the Let Them Theory book because the inability to accept reality and the inability to process what just happened and learn a new way to go through life is what's going to keep you trapped.

(00:49:42):

If they have clothing or trinkets, just put 'em in a box and put it away. I'm not talking about taking it out to the front lawn and igniting it on fire or taking it to the dump and throwing it away. Just remove it. And if you can't remove it, ask your parents or your roommate or somebody else to do it for you because they'll be more ruthless than you will. You'll be like, oh, I'll just keep this little thing and it won't really matter. And the reason why this is important is because of what we've talked about with processing any physical reminder of them fires up your nervous system. It is a reminder. And so keep remembering this is grieving a person who's still here, who has basically died in your life. There will come a time where you feel strong enough to go get the box and to either look through it and think about the good times or to pack up some of the stuff that was meaningful to them and send it back to them with a nice note.

 

(00:50:43):

But you don't have to worry about that right now. Right now you're in the three months. So let's remove all the triggers. The second thing, and I think this is really good advice, give your bedroom a makeover and you don't have to have a lot of money to do this. Buy a can of paint and paint a wall, move your bed to a different place, go down to the outlet store and buy a set of sheets or a new blanket. Do something that signals that this is a new chapter because I guarantee you spent a lot of time in your bedroom with this person. So it's like ground zero for feeling traumatized and sad and depressed. Do you want to say something about that?

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:51:29):

I think that is such good advice and it's as simple as moving your bed to another angle or part of your room, or you don't have to buy anything. Just remove the stuffed animals, remove anything that they may have given you and give your room a makeover. It's also a fun project that makes you feel like you are changing your environment and starting a new chapter, but not in a way that is related to them.

 

Mel Robbins (00:52:00):

And if you're supporting somebody, this is one of those things where you can help by helping provide an environment for change.

 

(00:52:08):

So you could say, how would you feel about giving your bedroom a makeover? Instead of taking your friend out for drinks and covering the barbell, take 'em to a store and buy them a new blanket for their bedroom or that sticky wallpaper that could give their room a manover. The third thing is that since you're unlearning life with this person that you just went through a breakup with, there's a big hole to fill. So reach out proactively and let people know what is happening. Your roommates, your siblings, your coworkers, your parents. You're not a loser and tell people for the next three months, will you check in on me? Will you invite me to do things so I don't die like a mole in my bedroom crying under the sheets down here like a nocturnal animal. We've all been through it, but if you have people that understand that you just need help getting out of the house, you need help getting out to dinner, you need help getting to an exercise class, that is something that I think makes a big difference because even the act of doing it is assigned to yourself that you're moving on.

 

(00:53:16):

And for those of you like me supporting, just ping those friends of yours, not right after the breakup, but seven weeks after the breakup, want to go to a yoga class, want to go away for the weekend, and my folks invite it. We can go to my parents' house. It goes a long way

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:53:35):

And better yet, show up at their house to pick them up for the fitness class. Don't just text them. And obviously someone is going to say no. When you're going through a breakup, you don't want to be around anyone. You want to be alone. You want to be sad, show up in person because it really matters. And whether that means drop off toilet paper or drop off a meal or order them Uber Eats for dinner, I guarantee you they're not spending a ton of time cooking. And when you go the extra mile to actually show up for people and drive them to the workout class or invite them to your parents for the weekend, it really helps because when someone is mourning a death with heartbreak, you don't want to do anything. You can barely get out of bed in the morning. And so showing up goes a lot farther than just sending a text and hoping that that cuts it.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:37):

Another one that you talked a lot about and you write about in the book Soy is fill your calendar and you basically just said, just look in your area, whether it's a city or rural area for events near me, and then ask friends to go with you because if you don't have anything to look forward to, you're going to feel like a depressed loser. If you have a calendar of things where you're going to go visit a friend or you're going to go to this exhibit or you're going to go take this class, you start to step back into life.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:55:07):

And I can attest to that because I did not do that. I had no plans during the summer. I sat at home, I poured every single ounce of me into my work, and I never ever took a break and it all came crashing down on me. And so now I have set my weekends up moving forward to really go and prioritize and see my friends. And it's a little harder because we're up in Vermont, I'm living at my parents right now. For all of you guys at home in your twenties living at home, you're not alone. But yeah, so fill your calendar with things you're actually excited about versus filling your calendar with work or things that feel like an obligation or anything that working out like go do fun things that bring you joy and laughter, not things that you feel like you have to do.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:06):

Another thing that we write about is picking a challenge you've always wanted to do, whether that is climbing a mountain, training for a triathlon, taking a class, learning guitar, going on a trip. There's something that you didn't have time to do when you're in a relationship. So let's assume that you're going to be in a loving and amazing relationship very soon. What is it that you would like to do now that you didn't have time for? Now that you see that, wow, I am learning how to live without this person. I got a lot of extra time. Why don't I fill it with something that I didn't have time to do before? And it gives you purpose that is beyond that person you're getting over. And the final thing, and I love this, you found this question, Sawyer, keep asking yourself this question. If you knew the love of your life was around the corner and this breakup was bringing you one step closer to meeting them, how would you spend your nights and weekends while you're single? I love that question too. Why do you love that question? Like we have to put this in this book. This is so important

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:57:22):

Because I think what drives people off the rails when you either get broken up with or when you're even marching towards a breakup is the fear of being single and the fear of never finding your person. And when you get up broken up with or you break up with someone, you feel so much farther away from the person that you actually are going to meet because you're going through it and you want your old life and you wish that things would actually just go back to normal. You're not looking towards the future. You're looking towards the past. And so if someone told you, Hey, in approximately 75 days the love of your life is going to walk into the coffee shop and come up to you and you're going to go on your first date and the rest is history, what would you do in the next 75 days? I would go skydiving. I would go move to Australia. I would run a marathon. I think about all these things and I'm like, oh, great. If that's already set up for me and I am confident in the fact that they're actually coming, then I can live my life happy and be in the moment. But instead, we live in this fear that they're never ever, ever going to come. And so you just hold onto the past or hold onto the next person you meet.

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:45):

That's incredible.

 

Sawyer Robbins (00:58:47):

It's

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:47):

True. It's absolutely true. And what's interesting is that I know that nobody wants to hear that. You got to learn how to love yourself, but the fact is, and this is almost entirely what the Let Them Theory is about, it's about learning how to stop chasing other people and seeking validation from other people and controlling other people and seeking love from other people and learning instead, how to start by giving it to yourself. And I know it's a cliche to say that you're the only person that you're going to spend your whole life with, but it's also the reality and whatever it is that you're afraid of or scared of that you think only someone else can give you, whether it's acceptance, approval, fun, companionship love, the fact is if you give it to yourself, it opens the door for someone amazing to step into your life. I know that we have a couple questions from listeners on this topic, and let's take the first run from Gabrielle.

 

Gabrielle (01:00:02):

Hello, my name is Gabrielle Joella and I'm 25 years old. I think some of the hardest parts about going through a breakup is the constant comparison when you do meet someone new to your previous partner as well as the what ifs. What if I never find somebody as good enough as my previous partner? What if I was a better partner? Maybe I wouldn't be going through this breakup. What if I never find somebody ever again? And what if I end up alone? My question is what would be your advice to someone going through that battle of the what ifs and how to overcome that?

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:36):

It's a phenomenal question. And the first thing that comes to mind is that when you say, what if you're not in a dating relationship, you're in a throuple because you're there with the other person. And this third thing that is the fantasy and the possibility, and it's almost like being in a triangle. Imagine being on a date with your critical mother and you're talking to your date and then you turn to your mother and she's like, well, what if he's not a well? What if this? That's what you're doing when you allow that thinking pattern to enter your mind. If you are going to say, what if I invite you instead to say, what if this all works out? What if this person is leading me one step closer to a relationship that I deserve? What if this person isn't quite right, but maybe they're somebody that's just like a slow simmer, they're going to open up and open up.

 

(01:01:44):

What if the purpose of dating right now is not for me to find someone, but to actually find myself and create a deeper connection with who I am and what I like and what I don't like, and I'm the kind of person that figures that out by being in situations where I don't like what's happening. And so I think that your purpose for dating right now is not to find the one. It's to find yourself and to figure out what you want and what matters to you and what doesn't matter to you. And what comes to mind is I want you to keep in mind this kind of 80 20 rule. I've talked about this before, which is focus on the 80% that matters. Is this person kind? Do they make you laugh? Do you feel like yourself? How do you feel when you hang out with them?

 

(01:02:38):

Do they care about you? Do they prioritize you? Those are the things that matter. Do you have the same goals and aspirations in life? Do you see eye to eye on the deeply important things? That's the 80% that throuple and the critical. What if that third party in your relationship, that's the 20%, that's the fantasy. That's the fear. That's all the stuff that you're focused on. That actually doesn't matter. The only thing that matters, and I think it'll really help you to go for the next year. I'm not dating to find the one I'm dating to learn more about myself, and I'm going to meet a bunch of awesome people along the way, and eventually one person at a time, the right person for me is going to show up.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:03:21):

I think the one thing that I disagree with my mom on is just the love yourself message. Because again, whether you're dating, whether you're going through your breakup, it's really hard to hear that when all you want is for someone else to love you. And I think, yes, of course you could absolutely love yourself, but you could still be really upset that you haven't found your person.

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:47):

Totally agree with you. Here's the thing, I'm so pragmatic that I know that saying all those things doesn't serve you even though it's completely valid to feel those things. And what you're feeling is a healthy and normal response to losing something you cared about. And one thing that might help you is really unpack what was it about the thing that you lost that really is important to you? Because sometimes it's only when something's gone that you actually appreciate what it was.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:04:26):

Totally.

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:27):

And there's something about what you lost, something deeper that you really value. And maybe what you value is just this feeling of safety that you felt with this person that had been in your life a long time. That's very different than feeling like, okay, I just don't really connect with this person because you're not going to immediately. But what you're looking for is a feeling of safety and a feeling of trust and deep connection it's not the person, it's how the person made you feel and that's what you're trying to discover when you focus on the 80%.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:05:10):

Great.

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:11):

That's what I want to hear. Okay, great. Let's roll the next question from a listener named Yuna.

Mel Robbins (01:05:46):

Fabulous question and I think very common. And the first thing I'm going to say is you need to follow the advice of this episode because if you're dating to get over someone, you're not going to find the right person. And I wonder if you really let what we've shared today sink in, did you process this? Have you grieved it or are you going through life knowing, okay, I've accepted the breakup, but I have a fantasy that I'm going to walk into a restaurant one of these days and they're going to be there and it's going to be instant and we're going to be right back in it. And if you haven't given up on that fantasy yet, you need to let them and you have to truly do the work to accept that this is over. They are not coming back until you do that. I don't think you're going to be interested in dating because what I hear in this question is you don't want to date. That's okay too.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:06:46):

What I was going to say is I think for me personally, when I first met Darren, I also was uninterested in dating. I also was completely over it and still not over. Even another guy that I was seeing before that. And so I think you feeling like no one is good enough or I don't want to date, and I'm so uninterested in these people is not only normal, but I do think that paying close attention to who makes you feel safe, who sparks your interest, who makes you smile and laugh, those are all little pieces of data that can tell you, oh, maybe I want to explore this. And are they going to be here forever? No. But I remember when I first met Darren way back when I wasn't interested, it took me a long time to become and develop and develop that safety and that love and that support and it's just not immediate with anyone.

 

Mel Robbins (01:07:55):

One of the things that I think happens after a breakup is if you haven't given yourself the true time to process and mourn this and truly let them and accept that this is over and get the fantasy out of your mind, you will always in forever have their ghost in your relationship. Now that's number one. Number two, it is okay to not be out there dating. In fact, there's a lot of people that feel this way. And here's what I want you to know. You don't have to be dating to meet somebody. There are people all around you. There are people at work, there are people at the spot. You buy lunch and simply being out and about in the world as yourself and happy. And if you're the kind of person that's just open, you will be very surprised. It's in these moments in life where you're not looking that the person that's meant for you start showing up. I met my husband right after a breakup and I'd swore to my girlfriends, I'm swearing off dating for the rest of my life. I'm never dating again. And then boom, a month later, he was behind me in line at a bar and that was that. And I think it's also important to understand that we have this fantasy of chasing the spark.

 

(01:09:14):

And if you are somebody that's trying to date to get over someone, what are you looking for? You're looking for a spark. You're looking for fire to fill up the hole that's inside you. And some of the best relationships, in fact, only 11% of relationships began with a spark.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:09:33):

Really,

 

Mel Robbins (01:09:33):

The rest of them are slow burns. It's the person that grew on you over time at work. It's the person that was a friend of a friend that you kept seeing at a party. It's the person that lived down the hall or that you kept seeing in the stairwell. It's the person that grew on you over time. And so be very careful of trying to date to get over someone because you're looking for something big.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:10:02):

I think that the spark is important though, and that's what we feel when we're growing up and we're little and you are trained to look for that, but that's

 

Mel Robbins (01:10:10):

Disney trained you for that. That's not

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:10:11):

How the real world works.

 

Mel Robbins (01:10:13):

Spark is attraction. Our relationship is about compatibility and commitment and mutual support and kindness. And in the modern world, you hear the word love and you think it means chemistry. You think it means this grand thing. Love is two things. It's consideration and it is admiration. Consideration just means you have someone in mind. Consideration is bringing somebody a cup of coffee. That's an act of love. Admiration is when you look at somebody and you see attributes of this person that you admire. And that's why the spark an instant thing is about attraction. But true love is about admiration and consideration and that grows over time.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:11:04):

I love that. So question number three is from Tim who is 27, even though we've broken so much of what I do still involves my ex, I want to look good in case she sees me. I want to post on social media for her to see, I want to date someone else to make her jealous. How do I stop living my life for her and start living it for me? Tim, bless you. I have been

 

Mel Robbins (01:11:34):

There. Yes, this was yours. Let them, Tim, your life is not going to begin until you let her live hers. She's gone. And the reason why you're living for her and you're posting for her and you're thinking about her is because you have not actually grieved this relationship. And the more you think about her and the more you navigate your life based on how she would react or how it would impact her, the more you are holding yourself hostage to a relationship that's over, you have to let her leave. And you have to accept reality that this is over. And that's really hard to do. And I would recommend you go back to the beginning and you re-listen to this and you go through the 30 days and you unfollow her on social and you remove all the things from your apartment or your house that you drive in different patterns that you start to step into and learn how to live life without her because that's the piece of this breakup survival guide that you haven't done. And it's only when you allow yourself to process the reality of what's happened, that you'll stop giving your power to somebody who doesn't deserve it and you'll take it back and you'll learn how to create a life without her and a life where you are happy. The sad thing about hearing this is that you can't see it yet, but in listening to your question, there are now millions of people listening that see you in a jail cell that you locked yourself into. The good news is you hold the key, she's gone.

 

(01:13:38):

You're not getting married, but you have your whole life ahead of you. And I would focus on the things that this taught you. I would move through the 30 days and remove all reminders of her. And I would allow you to truly grieve this because you're still living as if she's here and she's not. Here's the choice. You can live the rest of your life in this mental and emotional jail, or you can use keys that we've given you and you can use the Let Them Theory and you can let her go and set yourself free. You have a huge, beautiful, amazing future ahead of you. And I want to ask you a question. If you knew that the love of your life, somebody that just filled you up and made you laugh and made you feel so happy and seen and supported somebody that was going to grow through life with you was just around the corner.

 

(01:14:49):

You're about to walk into a room seventy five, a hundred and seventy five days from now, and there they're, how would you be living your life right now? I'll tell you something, you wouldn't be wasting a damn second of it worrying about the woman who already left the greatest love of your life is on the road ahead and it's your responsibility to start walking toward them. And I just want to say this is hard. I can sit here in my chair with my mic talking to Sawyer seven months after she's through it seven months ago, this was like a emotional blizzard in this house. It was war zone. It really

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:15:38):

Was. Everyone had to survive

 

Mel Robbins (01:15:40):

And you can survive and it does get better and you're stronger than this moment. And the more you realize that every single ending is also a beginning, it really is. And the fastest way for you to move through a breakup is to truly understand what it is and learning that this is really the process of teaching your body how to go through life without somebody that used to be in it. It's grief, it's learning new patterns, and there is a period of withdrawal. But all those emotions you feel are normal. It doesn't mean this was your person. It doesn't mean you should get back together. And it doesn't mean you won't get back together at some point. But your job right now is to use all the tools. And it begins with first understanding the process of what a breakup is and the 30 day no contact rule and the research that says it takes three months before it starts to get better.

 

(01:16:48):

And the six things that you can do immediately to support yourself to go through something you don't want to go through. I get it, but the only choice you have is to go through it. That's why it's hard. If you're sad, be sad. If you want to snot cry and lay on the floor of a gym, do it. If you want to emotionally eat your way through the next three months, go for it. Do whatever you need to do to process this because it is painful to go through life with somebody and then suddenly have to learn how to not go through life with them. And I'm going to give you that. And I'm also going to tell you this. It's going to get better. And you are going to meet somebody amazing because somebody else in your life isn't the reason why you deserve love.

 

(01:17:40):

You deserve love simply because you're alive. I know you don't want to hear that. You got to love yourself. So I'm not even going to tell you to, you can hate yourself right now. That might be part of your process. But remember, in three months time when you use these tools, and most importantly I think my biggest takeaway is it's the fantasy in your mind that is killing. You got to learn how to let them go and let me step into reality. And the reality is you have the ability to move through this. You have the ability to feel these emotions. And by the time you luck up in a couple months, you're going to feel stronger, you're going to feel better, and you're going to realize, wow, I'm going to be okay because you are. And on that topic of consideration and admiration, I just want to tell you soy, how much I admire you.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:18:34):

Thanks, mom.

 

Mel Robbins (01:18:34):

I learned a lot about myself through the process of learning how to better support you through that breakup and to step back and give you the space to feel what you needed to feel. Even though with every cell of my body, I just wanted to jump in and fix it, I wanted to text his mom, I wanted to text him. I wanted to somehow arrange something so that this could all just go away and everybody could be like, okay. And you really taught me how important it is to stand by somebody's side instead of stepping in and trying to make it go away.

 

Sawyer Robbins (01:19:21):

And what I will say to you, mom, is thank you so much for using the Let Them Theory with me and actually letting me process and saying Let them every day and giving me the space that I really needed to move through this and process this. And I couldn't have done it without you.

 

Mel Robbins (01:19:43):

Well, I think you could have, but I loved being there to put my arms around you. I love you. I love you too. And thank you to our three amazing listeners who submitted those awesome questions and keep them coming. Just go to mel robbins.com/podcast if there's something you're struggling with or a question that you have and you could hear yourself on an episode coming soon. And for you listening, there's something I want to say to you. You're not going to go through this alone. I love you. I'm not breaking up with you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to be here several days a week, put my arm around you and support you. And Sawyer is here occasionally when I drag her on this show. And I believe in your ability to create a better life. I really do. And if you use the Let Them Theory and all of the tools and research we just walked you through, there is not out of my mind.

 

(01:20:41):

You will not only create a better life, but your love story is far from over. In fact, the greatest love of your life is on the road ahead. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. And thank you on YouTube for being here. I can't wait to hear what you think of this breakup guide. Please share this with anybody that you know that is either going through a breakup or somebody in their life is going through a breakup. These tools, this research works. It changed the entire way that I looked at the very normal but painful process of going through a breakup, and I know it's going to help you. So thank you. Thank you, thank you. One other thing, could you hit subscribe? I've got a goal that 50% of the people that watch this channel are subscribers. It's free. We're like 7% away from achieving that goal. So I really appreciate you doing that for me, and I know you're thinking. Okay, Mel, what do I watch next? This was fricking bananas. Amazing. I got a great recommendation. I want you to head to this video. As soon as you hit play, I'll be waiting for you.