Episode: 237
The Simple Tool That Will Transform Your Family Dynamic
a Solo Episode
This episode is a masterclass in how to improve your relationships with your family.
Mel teaches you how to create stronger, more peaceful connections using her favorite tool: The Let Them Theory.
Learn to stop getting upset, bothered, or angry with family members and discover what you can do instead to shift the dynamics in your home.
Ready for more harmony and less frustration? This episode helps you to take the first steps toward better family relationships.
Listen on:
It only takes one person in a family to create a ripple effect of change—and that person is you.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00):
What if I told you it was possible for you to have a much better relationship with your family, whether it's your parents or your siblings or your in-laws or your adult kids, that it is possible no matter what's happened, for you to change the dynamic with anyone in your family, even somebody with a really difficult personality. Well, that's what you and I are going to talk about today. We're going to talk about a simple tool and a whole new approach to your family dynamics, whether they're good, whether they're bad, whether they're fun, whether they're sad, because here's what I know. The second that you are done listening to this, you're going to have absolutely everything you need to shift how you show up. And I'm telling you, it only takes one person in a family to change absolutely everything. And after listening to this conversation today, that person that's going to change your family is you.
(00:56):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you. And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. And here's what's super cool about the conversation we're going to have today because you hit play on this episode. I know something about you. I know that family is important to you and whether or not you have a great relationship with your family or a horrible relationship with your family, whether or not your best friends with your siblings or you barely talk to 'em, here's what I know. You are interested in ways in learning how to be more deeply connected. You want the relationship to be stronger, and I have great news. It can happen and it can happen based on some simple things that you're going to learn today that I learned the hard way that I've also been researching for the last couple years.
(01:55):
Simple tools that you can use to fundamentally shift the way you think about family and the way you show up when you are dealing with your family and everything that you're going to learn is going to apply to absolutely everything related to family. Whether it's the family group text chat that drives you bananas or that you wish was slightly different, whether it's the dynamic when you all get together, whether it is things that's happened in the past that you can't just let go, whatever it is that's standing in your way or causing frustration or that you just wish would change. This conversation today is going to create an entirely new possibility for you because all it takes is one person. And today you're going to learn that person is you. And what we're going to talk about is so important. It has had a huge impact on my life.
(02:49):
I truly hope you share this episode with your family. In fact, if you're going to be driving somewhere over the holidays with them, just put this on in the car because it can't go anywhere. And as you're all listening, you'll probably kind of look at each other and then look ahead and kind of nod because we do wish things could be better. You deserve to have more fun and I'm going to teach you how you can start to bring it.
Mel Robbins (03:12):
So my mission today in having this conversation with you is to really help you improve your relationship with your family because let's start with fact number one, your family's not changing. They are who they are. You've got to learn how to let them be who they are. But here's the cool thing. If you change your approach in terms of how you show up, the energy you bring your mindset around your family, you are so powerful that simply changing your approach can send positive ripples through the entire family dynamic.
(03:45):
And that will change everything over time. It's your responsibility to figure out what kind of relationship you have with your family. If you love your family, if you're having a lot of fun with your family, if your favorite time of year is to go see your family, that's fantastic. And today you're going to learn a few things that's going to make it even better. But if you dread seeing your family, if you are anxious about it, if you feel like you got to brace or that somebody in your family's always instigating something, there's members of our family that are like that, they just can't help themselves. They got to pick and poke and twist and it's not fun. It's not fun, but I'm going to keep hammering this point over and over. You can't change another person because people only change when they feel like it.
(04:30):
And you're also going to learn that the family dynamics have been in place for a very long time, but that doesn't mean they can't shift in a very positive way because we're going to talk about how you can use the let them theory and the laws of human behavior and the facts about how families are to positively influence any interaction. And here's how we're going to start this conversation because I'm not a part of your family. You're not a part of my family, but here's what I do know.
Mel Robbins (04:57):
All families are the same in one regard. They are an interconnected system. We're going to start our conversation with a metaphor for how I think about family. And this metaphor is going to change everything because you are going to perhaps for the first time see your family and your extended family in an entirely new way.
(05:22):
And in fact, the family dynamic, and this is a really important thing to kind of zoom out and think about it because you think about it like brothers and sisters and parents and the golden child and the favorite one, and I'm never this and I'm the middle and I'm this, and there's so many labels and so much history and families that you forget to zoom out and think about what actually is a family. A family is interconnected web of people. It's a system. I actually think about a spider web, think about a spider web and you see it in the morning and all the dos on and glistening, all those little strands are all the connections of family. And if you think about the center of it, that's your parents and your grandparents and then everything flows out from there. And look, I'm not saying that the system or the web is fair or it's right, it's just the reality.
(06:14):
Y'all are connected and you have been since you came into this world. And so when you make a change, it's like somebody going up to the upper right hand corner of Charlotte's Web and going, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. What happens? The whole web shakes, the dude drips off, the spider goes running around because you're all interconnected. In fact, I write about this extensively in the Let Them Theory book. There's an entire chapter, chapter six, page 95, and let me tell you the title of the chapter that's about family, how to Love Difficult People. Now, the reason why I named the chapter about family How to Love Difficult People is because family just cuts different. I think the purpose of family in some cases is to teach you how to love people that you don't like sometimes, right? Because there are people in your family you don't like and you may never like 'em, but guess what?
(07:07):
You're still connected via that web whether you talk to 'em or not. Every time there's a family group chat, text and somebody texts something annoying and you roll your eyes, it's like somebody went tap, tap, tap to the web, it impacts you. So I'm going to teach you how to accept the reality that your family's not changing. Let them, your power is in not managing your family or worrying about your family or being triggered by your family. Your power is in the second part of the Let Them theory, which is let me decide what kind of relationship I want. Let me decide what kind of daughter or son or father or mother or sister or brother I want to be. Because just because you've got somebody that tap tap taps the web and is an instigator doesn't mean you have to let it affect you.
(07:59):
It doesn't mean you have to chime in. In fact, you're going to learn tools today that are going to have you look at family completely differently.
Mel Robbins (08:07):
And since I wrote about this extensively in the Let Them Theory book, I want to read to you a little bit about family just so that we're on the same page about why your family can be critical and harsh and they say things that are like, what are you doing? Why your parents have to step in or why somebody has to say Enough, enough. Could you just be nice? Could you just, can we just have fun? Please? So family tends to be a lot harsher to your face because they have a stake in your happiness and in your success. I mean, it's true. If you're an interconnected web and you got somebody who is just stuck and sad and depressed and sending rip aways through it, it affects everybody because they're worried about you.
(08:54):
And that's why people tend to be a little bit harsher than your friends are because your happiness or your sadness affects everybody because you're connected, which is very different than your relationship with your friends a lot of the time. When your family cares, how do they show it? They show it by pushing you and they don't like your friends or they think you're headed down the wrong path, or they think that you could get a better job or take better care of yourself. What do they do? They freaking tell you, I know it's annoying. And most of the time it's how your family shows you that they care. They want more for you, they want you to be happy and they see all your potential that may be going to waste. However, when somebody says something to you about your life or your choices or they're a little judgy, it crosses the line all the time, doesn't it?
(09:44):
It doesn't feel like care. It feels like criticism. Now here's why this cuts deeper. Your friends can give you suggestions and opinions, but when your family does, you're like, don't talk to me about that. I don't want to talk about, we need boundaries. I got to like the reason why is family relationships cut deeper than any other relationships that you have. Why? Whether you talk to them or not, whether it's positive or negative, you're still connected. You're connected energetically, you're connected through the past. You're connected through everybody's expectations about the future and knowing that people in your family are going to have a reaction because you're part of an interlocked web of relationships that's been in place for generations. Knowing this is going to help you navigate this better because I'm going to keep coming back over and over to say, your parents aren't changing.
(10:37):
Let them be who they are. Your siblings aren't changing and neither is the dynamic or the past or the favoritism or whatever else you think is unfair or amazing. Let your siblings be who they're, I'm not saying that these expectations or that this interconnected system is right, I'm saying it's the reality. And when you accept reality and you really are able to look at things not through emotion, but through facts, then you are empowered to change how you show up so that your behavior and your actions and your energy align with what you actually want. And I'm assuming that you're listening to this and you hit play because you would love to be more connected. You would love less drama, you'd love to have more fun. I mean, who wouldn't? So do I don't want to spend the time that I have with my family feeling tense or resentful or arguing about stupid things or big things.
(11:36):
I'd like to feel the interconnected web to be more supportive. I'd like to pull in and be excited. And that's we're going to talk about today really starting with this understanding of the larger context of the situation is going to help you control how you show up. And so I want to talk about changes first, okay? Everything from the web to the do to the tap, tap, tap to the way that things going on outside the web, the weather can impact it and tear it and shake it. That's the family system. You can also see that you get entangled in it and you don't want to be. And now I'm going to teach you this tool that I've been talking about a lot online and here on the podcast called the Let Them Theory. Now, if you haven't heard about the Let Them Theory, let me just tell you what it is real quick, and then we're going to jump into how you use the Let Them Theory to navigate this web to separate yourself from it and how you're going to use it to create stronger, more supportive, more fun and loving relationships with your family.
(12:43):
So what is the Let Them Theory? The Let Them Theory is a mindset tool that helps you stay focused on what you can control and using the Let Them Theory, you're going to learn that two simple words, let them will change your entire approach to life. Because let's be honest, family can be really annoying. You've known these people for a long time since you've been born or they've been born and their behavior impacts you whether you like it or not. And so you're going to find that you're going let them, let them, let them, let them let them, because the number one rule with this mindset tool is that you can't control other people. Your power is in controlling your response to other people. And that's why you're going to use this with your family all the time because you're going to start to realize that every single time you get frustrated or emotional or upset about something, the problem really isn't you.
(13:42):
The problem is you've unknowingly given power to other people, and when it comes to family, you've given all this power to your family's drama or your sister's emotion or your mother's disappointment, or you've allowed your dad's politics to affect you. And when you allow other people's opinions or their drama or their behavior to impact you, that means other people have power over you. But here's the thing. You know that tap, tap, tap that I'm talking about, you feel that if you're entangled in the web, the Let Them Theory is two parts. The first part is let them let them, when you say let them, you step back from the web and you're not tangled up in it, and you give space for that interconnectedness to be there and you see it and you understand the power of it, but you separate from it. And then when you say, let me, you focus yourself on where have power, which is what you say, what you do, what your energy is, and what you bring to that web, let me, is when you go tap, tap, tap.
(15:01):
Let's have some fun. Tap, tap, tap. I'm going to step away from this conversation. Let me is where you see yourself as separate and you decide when you join in, you decide what you bring to it. And that's why this theory is so revolutionary, particularly with your family because right now you're entangled in the web and the reason why the Let Them Theory has changed my family dynamics and it's going to change yours is that when you're an adult, you're not responsible for managing other people's emotions. You got to let your mom be disappointed. You got to let your stepbrother be an instigator on politics. You're not responsible for parenting them. You are responsible for your emotions and you're responsible for how you react to things. If you've had enough of the political talk, then say something. If somebody is acting like a child in an adult body, get up from the table and leave.
(15:56):
It's not your job to try to control, fix or manage someone else's emotions. It's their job. But when you're the parent or you're the stepparent and you're dealing with a child, it is your responsibility to help a child feel seen, heard, safe and supported. And that's why this theory is going to help you so much because it's going to help you understand inside of this very electric and energetic dynamic of emotions and history and opinions and expectations about what the family is and who should do what and how things have already gone,
Mel Robbins (16:33):
What is yours to manage and what isn't? When you're an adult, you're not responsible for your mother, you're not responsible for your father, you're not responsible for how your brother-in-law or your sister-in-law or anybody else shows up. You're responsible for you. So let them and then focus on what do I want?
(16:50):
Who do I want to be? Because the second you go, okay, I want my family to be more fun. I want my family to be more connected. I want my family to be more interested. I want my family to be more supportive. Now you have the roadmap for how you show up and when you show up in a positive way and you're like, I'm not going to get plugged into the BS political crap that how always happens, I'm not doing it. Let them, that piece and that ability to step back is another version of tap, tap, tap. But you're sending a calming wave through the entire web. And that's the coolest thing about the Let Them Theory is that you and I have spent years trying to change our family, managing them, feeling like it's your responsibility for your mom to be happy, for no one to feel guilty for everything to go okay for the right plates, to be put out for the centerpiece, to look this way for everybody to get the right present for nobody's feelings, to get hurt, to try to control your temper.
(17:46):
When the Golden Child gets all the attention and the grandchildren over here are the favorites, that's how we've been doing it. Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a whole new way to do family and that is to see your family for who they are and let them and then to take a step back and go, okay, well what do I want? Step one, you have to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your family and you got to take responsibility for it. And you're going to use the Let Them theory to stop yourself from managing other people, fixing other people from engaging in the old dynamics. And you're then going to say, let me, and you're going to focus on your part in it. How do I want to show up? How do I want to bring the fun? What is it that I want to lean into and what am I going to opt out of?
(18:36):
And when you start to get very clear about that, you now have a roadmap for what's in your control, which is how you show up, how you respond, how you engage, what energy you bring, what conversations you initiate, which ones you participate in, which ones you don't. That is all in your control. And if you just stay laser focused on that, I promise you, no matter how challenging the dynamic is or anxious you may feel you have the power to influence everything because you're part of the system and the web and you are way more powerful than you think. And the more that I have focused on how do I just bring peace, how do I bring acceptance? How do I make everybody feel the love? How do I bring things that we can all bond over, whether it's family Olympics or it's the puzzle we're going to lay out or it's a really fun dance mix.
(19:29):
The more things have changed. And in fact, one of my brother-in-laws said to me two years ago, he looked at me right in the face and he said, Mel, you've really changed. And I thought, yes, I have because I made a decision to don't expect your family to change because your family and your relationship and how you feel when you're with family is your responsibility. But don't be surprised that when you start to change and you get serious about what you want to feel and what you value in terms of how you show up as a daughter or a sister or a grandchild, that everything starts to change and that's the power of your influence. So I'm sure you're sitting there wondering, okay, well, if you were able to change not only the family dynamic, Mel for yourself, but also so much so that somebody in your family is commenting on it, what were you like before?
(20:29):
I'd probably be your worst nightmare as a sister-in-law, honestly, because I'm loud, I'm opinionated, or at least I used to be this, I'm still that way, but I really temperate. I had a lot of expectations and opinions about how things should go. And my husband's family are full of amazing people who are also very opinionated. And so I would engage in the web of energy, which involved a lot of debating, a lot of poking and twisting. It's almost like in every family because there's dynamics between siblings and then you bring in spouses and kids and grandkids. It's like the dynamic between the siblings starts to again, ripple through the whole web. And so you've got three boys very competitive at sports. It's skiing with each other. They're all successful except for my husband and my husband's a successful person. I think he's the most amazing human being on the planet, but his success is not measured in money.
(21:34):
His success is measured in the impact he makes in the lives of the men he works with and in his work as a death doula and in who he is as a human being and how he shows up as a partner and as a father. And Chris comes from a family where the success is really celebrated in financial success and that trickles all the way down through the generations. And so there's always been this kind of dynamic of competition and debating and lots of drinking at the table, which would always end in tears and fighting and somebody storming off. And a lot of that changed when Chris's father died like 14 years ago. And even though we all really like each other and I think everybody wants to be really close, there was always this underlying, I don't know what it is, just disconnection. And I think that's true in a lot of families that you get together and you just really want to get along and then all the old energy comes up.
(22:40):
I just decided when I started getting serious about my own work on myself and being a better person and not feeling so anxious all the time or on edge all the time, or insecure all the time, that as I started to try to settle my nervous system and just be more chill and be more loving and accepting and bring different energy, everything shifted because I opted out of the debates. I walk away from conversations where somebody in the family, whether it's my family or Chris's family, they want to stick in the knife and twist it. And a lot of times it's kind of jokes at my husband because I'm the breadwinner and he's not, and I just walk away from it. I don't say anything, and that doesn't mean that I'm rolling over. It means it's not worth my time and energy. If that's what you're going to do with your time with your family, then do it.
(23:36):
But I'm not going to give my time and energy to this. And as I slowly backed away from it, I noticed I wasn't affected by it. And what's interesting about that kind of form of bullying or that sort of instigating or that sort of antagonism, which always comes from a desire to be seen, it comes from a place of actually wanting to connect in a weird and toxic way. But when I pulled away from that, when somebody doesn't have a target, it starts to disappear When there's nobody chiming in back to you, you're talking to yourself. And a lot of the times I think we are showing up in family in particular with old patterns and old behaviors and just kind of modeling what's always been done. And we don't mean to be hurting each other, but we are. And so instead of looking at my family members, whether it's my kids or it's my sibling, or it is Chris's family as the source of how I'm going to change this because that's probably what you're doing right?
(24:48):
If only I can get my mom to stop making me feel guilty if only I can get my sister-in-law to stop talking politics, if only I could get my parents to stop playing favorites. You're looking at someone else as the source of all power in your life, and that's how you give your power away. Other people are not responsible for your relationship with your family you are. And when I finally realized that and started going, wait a minute, let them be who they are. Let them live their lives. Let them have their opinions, let them have their emotions, let them do life however they're going to do life. The more I said let them, the better my life got and the better my family got, and the more I could see people for who they were instead of getting sucked into the drama of the moment.
(25:39):
And the more you can see the good in people, not just the small petty stuff in the moment, because I'm not perfect. I wouldn't like me as a sister-in-law based on how I used to be either. I wouldn't want somebody that competitive and that insecure and that opinionated, that wouldn't be fun. And you wouldn't want somebody like that either. And so I just really went to work on myself. I didn't like what it felt like to be me, and I definitely didn't like the tension and the competition and the friction that I felt in family. And it wasn't there all the time, but I knew I was a part of it. And so that's why I say it's your responsibility.
Mel Robbins (26:21):
You want more fun, you want more connection, you want more peace. It begins with you. If you wish the people in your family saw the good in you, you got to learn how to see the good in them. If you wish your mom or your dad would stop using a guilt trip to get you to come home for the holidays or to do things the way that you wish that they would do them, then you need to see that a guilt trip is like any other road trip. You get to decide if you're getting in the car or not. Let them be disappointed. You're not their parent. They're an adult. When you, and here's the amazing thing, when you give adults the space to feel their emotions, it's kind of amazing how the emotion dissipates. When you engage and you try to manage and you try to wrestle people's opinions or emotions to the ground, that's when all this friction stays together. There's a whole different way to do this and it has to do with just letting people be. And the more you let people be themselves, the better your relationships get and the more space you give to the family dynamic, the more you'll see the good in other people.
(27:34):
And that brings me to this tool that we write about extensively in the Let Them Theory. I'm going to turn to the page I want to read to you. This tool is so important and I need to give credit to my buddy Lisa Biu. Lisa Biu is the founder of Quest Nutrition. She hosts this show called Women of Impact. She's a good friend of mine, and she shared this tool called Frame of Reference. And frame of reference is a fancy way of just saying, have you even bothered to step into your parents' shoes? Have you even bothered to step into your sister-in-law's or your brother's shoes? We're so focused on our own experience and our own history that we never take the time to step into someone else's shoes and try to see the situation from their point of view. And that's what frame of references. The second I started to go, oh, wait a minute, this is my parents' first time being human too. Oh, wait a minute, what must it feel like to be a parent who loves their kid? And the kid moves far away and you only see him three or four times a year? What must that be like? What's their frame of reference? Wow, all their friends have their family nearby. They don't. Of course they want to see you. Of course they're going to pressure you. Of course they're disappointed when they're not a priority.
(29:08):
We get so caught up in being upset or angry that mom wants it done this way and no, no, no, nah. Have you stepped into her frame of reference and thought about the fact that this is her first time being human too? It's her first time being a parent too. It's her first time being a grandparent too. When you step into a wider family dynamic and you marry into a family, you have not been there since the beginning. You don't know what it's been like for all of the siblings this whole time because you weren't there. And so kind of going let them makes you be the bigger person. It lets you see that this is a web of people, and if you want to be a part of it, then get serious about what are you going to bring to the web? Is it fun?
(29:57):
Is it peace? Is it connection? Is it interest? Is it compassion? Is it a calm demeanor or are you going to bring your politics? You going to bring your attitude, you're going to bring all the injury and upset, you haven't worked out with the therapist. Are you going to bring your belief that we should just be one big happy family and just put everything to the side because those expectations also send shockwaves through the system? And that's why I'm going to keep on reminding you, and this is the coolest thing. You get to decide what your relationship with your family is. How cool is that? Imagine if you decided that you were going to instead of icing everybody out, instead of being crossed armed and tense about it, what if you were going to do the work and you're going to bring them theory to every family group chat, every gathering with your family, and you're going to let your sister do her thing. You're going to let the grandkids do their thing and you're going to focus on how you show up.
Mel Robbins (31:04):
Because one of the things that can really tear families apart are opinions, whether it's about politics or religion or how you should be living your life or the person that you're dating or it could be anything. I want to really just unpack how you're going to use the Let Them Theory and this tool frame of reference to really try to understand where someone's coming from instead of debating it. And I'm not talking about topics where somebody is denying your fundamental rights to live your life and to choose who you love and to worship whatever God you want or not. I'm talking about the petty things that we debate all the time because the problem is that when you get into a standoff with somebody, it's not really about the thing you're talking about.
(32:07):
It's literally a power struggle. It's about who's right. And in fact, as I was sitting down to tape this conversation, my dear friend Cindy stopped by the house and Cindy is a grandmother. She has two sons, she has four granddaughters. And I was like, Cindy, I want you to sit down in my chair. Here's a mic, and tell me a little bit about what it's like with your family. What are you excited about? What are you a little nervous about? And boy, oh boy, I think you're going to relate to everything Cindy had to say.
Cindy (32:38):
I'm always excited the holidays when I get to have my two boys, their wives and my grandkids together. It's a gift because we don't live close together. However, I have one my eldest son who is tall, dark, handsome, and a staunch conservative and my younger son who is handsome and cute, but more of a liberal and a creative mind. And I have to say my older one, the conservative likes to egg the younger one on, I mean, he is the one that doesn't let it go for the most part, but that's his personality and he gets that from who know who me? I'm the one that's more outgoing than my younger son. My wish would be when we get together, whether it be on a text message group, text message, or at the dining room table, which we do infrequently because we don't live close together, that the politics would stay in another room. This is it, the Matriarch speaking. No more done.
Mel Robbins (33:33):
I'm like, Cindy, are you describing my family? I bet as you were listening to her, you're nodding your head going, why can't we all get along? Well, you can get along and it starts with you. And I want to read to you from the Let Them Theory book because if you're committed to creating connection with your family, you've got to give up the need to be right for the sake of trying to understand. And this is incredibly difficult. It's incredibly difficult if you're dealing with somebody that has a narcissistic personality style. It's incredibly difficult if you're dealing with somebody who just likes to poke and get everybody all riled up and even say things they don't really mean or understand just to get the rise out of you. It's really, really hard. And it's one of the reasons why I'm so grateful for the Let Them Theory because it's kept me from jumping into the old dynamic of taking the bait when somebody throws out an opinion.
(34:37):
And the thing about debating with people, whether it's politics or it's religion or it's whether or not veganism or a certain amount of protein is a better way to think is that both of you think you're right, but with the Let Them theory, there's space, there's acceptance and understanding for both opinions to be true. See, this is a really hard thing to grasp. Let's say that you disagree about politics, and this is a super contentious thing around the world. If you take as truth that both of you think you're right, the research shows when you come into something and you actually think you're right, you will never actually be able to convince somebody else. In fact, you're just going to make them double down. The irony is it's only when somebody that you're talking to thinks you're listening to them, that they're open to considering a different opinion.
(35:34):
And so we get into these battles with our family in particular where we just battle over who's right. And both of you are making a mistake because until somebody feels like you're actually listening and you're seeking to understand, they're not even open to hearing your point of view. And that's why I love saying let them have that opinion and let me have mine and let me create a space where I'm going to choose whether or not I want to lean in and understand why somebody that I care about might have an opinion that is the diabolically opposite opinion. But I'm going to try to understand why you believe what you believe instead of jumping to being offended. And here's the thing, it takes an extraordinarily emotionally mature and intellectually smart person to be able to detach from your emotions, especially when somebody is saying something offensive and step into their shoes and try to understand how someone that you love, that somebody you grew up with can have an opinion that is hurtful or even bigoted.
(36:58):
This is not easy to do. And when this happens in life, how you choose to respond is a deeply personal choice. I can't tell you what you should do if someone in your family is judging you, particularly when it's bigoted, particularly when it is hurtful. But what I can do is give you the tools to determine how you want to respond to the situation. Do you want this person in your life? Even if they have this opinion, do you want this person in your life? Well, if you do, then let them create the room for it.
Mel Robbins (37:35):
We're covering a lot of ground here, but I do want to touch on the issue of divorce and being a stepparent because I'm getting questions from listeners around the world about how challenging this dynamic is. And I want to talk to the adults in this experience because the mistake that most adults make is just assuming we can all just move on. Just assuming everybody's going to be one big happy family and not really taking a step back and seeing that you are now part of this interconnected web that has had a hurricane hit it. And whether you like it or not, whether you're the nicest person on the planet or not, whether your kids are amazing and have known the other kids or they've never known the other kids, none of that matters because you're dealing with an extraordinarily traumatic situation and you're stepping into a web that has unprocessed grief, and it's important to check your emotions and your expectations and the fact that you're falling in love at the door.
(38:43):
And if you want to have a successful relationship with stepchildren, then you need to look at this with clear eyes and you got to separate the love that you have for your new partner from the reality of this web of relationships that you're now impacting. And there's a couple facts that I want you to embrace. Stepchildren are grieving and so are yours. The life that they had wanted is gone, and they're not at fault. This is not what they chose. And even if the children can say, yes, mom and dad are better off not together, it's still not what they wanted. And understanding that you're stepping into a space where they've experienced tremendous loss and it takes years a lifetime to process this. And by the way, every single family event, from weddings to baby showers, it just keeps bringing it up. And I'm raising this because you have to both navigate a new relationship.
(39:55):
You have to navigate your kids and their grief if you have kids, and having compassion and clear eyes about the fact that you're dealing with an entire system that expected things to go differently, but really letting the kids grieve, letting the kids not like you, understanding that you are indirect competition with these kids for attention from their parent. And by the way, they only get to see their parent halftime now, so you are in competition with them. It's not fair. It's a fact. And I'm telling you that because what I see over and over and over again is the parents move on quickly from the marriage and they do not give the kids the space and the compassion and the grace to grieve. And so if you're the parent that got divorced, you need to understand that if you want to stay connected with your kids, you have to triple down on making them a priority.
(41:00):
You have to triple down on letting them not like your new person. You have to triple down on their mixed feelings, and you have to triple down on being super proactive, not opinionated about making them a priority and not always including your person. And the reason why this matters is because if you don't, you are demonstrating that they don't matter. You're demonstrating that this new person and their kids are more important than they are, which is only going to compound their grief, which is only going to more frustration, which is only going to build into the dynamic which is going to be around for years and years and years. And no matter how many mistakes you may have made as you're listening to this now, you can always make it better. You can always take a step back and sit down with your kids and apologize.
(41:55):
You can always ask for a do over. You can always point out what you did wrong and what you wish you had done better. And you can always ask your kids what they need from you and then let them tell you. And I'm going to keep coming back to this point that I'm making for all of us, me included, because I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and with my family. I have had hurt feelings and I have hurt feelings. I have been emotional and I have been distant. And there is always room for improvement, but it comes back to you. What do you want to create? These dynamics are very, very challenging. They're difficult. If it were easy, everybody would be one big blended family. And so I just want to say I don't mean to be judgy because everybody does the best that they can with the tools and resources and self-awareness that they have. And there's that famous saying by Maya Angelou, if I knew better, I would've done better.
Mel Robbins (42:50):
And the important thing about this conversation, if you're willing to truly look at yourself and you're honest about what you want to create over time, the opportunity here is for you to acknowledge what's not worked and you're part in it and to apologize and actually make it better. And I have so much passion about this because I'm frustrated by what I'm seeing as a huge trend of just cutting people off of not having the conversation, not apologizing, not giving people the benefit of the doubt, not trying to improve ourselves, and instead just being throwing our hands in the air. And I'm not saying there aren't narcissistic personality types in your family or you don't have difficult people in your family. And I'm not saying that there are things that weren't done to you that weren't fair and other people haven't apologized to you, but at some point you have to decide if holding a grudge is really what you're committed to or if you want to be the bigger person for the sake of a bigger possibility, and that's available to you.
(44:04):
And that's what I had to do. I don't like who I was in the past. I don't like the energy that I gave off. I don't like the fact that I got so busy with work that I was the aunt that always forgot to send the birthday presents and the birthday cards. I hate the fact that I'm always the last one to chime in the birthday texts. And so I've made a lot of mistakes and things that I wish I could do differently. And you can't go back and change the past, but you can create an entirely different future if you want to. And that's why I'm so excited for you and I'm excited for your family, and I'm excited for what's possible when you are the one that steps into that web with your eyes wide open and you don't tap, tap, tap, you shimmer, shimmer, shimmer, and then everybody starts to loosen up.
(45:06):
You're going to be shocked by how much power you have, honestly. And I can't wait for that. I can't wait for you to experience that, and I can't wait to see the impact that you can make on people that you thought were difficult. But it just turns out they felt just as misunderstood as you did. And that's been the thing that's been kind of surprising to me is the more that I soften, the more other people soften, the more fun I bring, the more fun they bring, the more I lean in and support the more they do. We all just want to feel accepted and loved and seen and heard. And how you show up can create that. And I feel like where we've gotten in a lot of our families is we're all fighting to be seen and heard. And it's a lot like a game of tug of war, like we're both pulling on the rope.
(45:56):
You want to know how you win quickly, drop the rope, just drop the rope, and suddenly everybody else does too. Because you and I have been so focused on kind of the tools and the tactics and the facts, it can sound almost like a downer, but it's not. The fact is there is something really profound that I want you to think about. See, there's a clock ticking in the background that none of us can see. At some point, your life is going to be over, your parents are going to be gone. Your sister or brothers, if you have siblings are going to be gone. And there is power available to you right now to make the most of the time that you have while you have it. And I want to read to you from the Let Them Theory book because this perspective about the time is what motivated me to truly change the way that I show up for my family to change the way that I align my actions and my time when it comes to my family.
(47:05):
And the Let Them Theory truly helped me make changes while I still had the time to do so. I mean, the fact is my dad is 80 years old. I'm lucky if I have 10 Christmases with him. I mean, I hope he outlives what my grandparent and his father lived too. But my grandfather died when he was 84. And so I am very aware that if I want to lean in the time now, and you just never know when things are going to change, and when you think about it that way, I really want you to because it helps you focus on what's meaningful to you. So let me read to you from the Let Them Theory book, and this is in chapter six on page 1 0 4. The truth is you have limited time with your loved ones. At some point, you're going to realize that your parents aren't going to be here forever and that this was their first time as a human being too.
(48:09):
People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. And most people, particularly the people in your family, in my family have not gone to therapy. They haven't looked at their issues. And frankly, they don't want to let them. Let your parents be less than what you deserve. Let your family life be something that isn't a fairytale. They're just doing the best they can with the resources and life experiences they have. But now you get to choose what happens moving forward. Now, I'm not saying this to justify anything bad that has happened to you, and I'm not saying that you don't deserve better. Everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and loved particularly by their family. But the fact is most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves or heal their past or manage their own emotions. And if they haven't done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in a way that you deserve.
Mel Robbins (49:11):
Let them. When you recognize that you have a choice in your life and you let your family be who they are, and you realize your dad's not changing, your mom's not changing, your siblings aren't changing, your in-laws aren't changing. In fact, the older people get the more set they are in their ways. The only person you can change is you. When you say let them, you see your family exactly as they are perhaps for the very first time they're human, and you have no control over what's happened in your family, you have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward. Accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean you're surrendering to it. It's actually the opposite. Accepting the reality of your situation helps you reclaim your power to shape your future. When you learn how to let adults be adults and accept people as they are, and then you decide how to make the best of it, I promise you, your family dynamics are going to get better.
(50:20):
That's how powerful you are because the acceptance allows you to see your family with compassion. And more importantly, it allows you to see yourself as an individual who has your own unique frame of reference and your own unique path in life. And then when you say let them, I want you to move to the second part, which is let me figure out what kind of relationship I want to create and based on the kind of person I want to be and the values that I have. And this is deeply personal because you get to choose. I mean, it could mean that you're spending more time with your family, not out of guilt, but because it matters to you. And this is what happened to me when I started to really embrace this and to dig deep around what I care about. I realized I don't know how much time I have left with my parents.
(51:14):
I mean, my dad's 80 years old. I'm lucky if I have 10 more years with him, 10 more summers, 10 more Christmases. When you start to think about it that way, what truly matters comes into focus. And when you start to really embrace this part that your connection to your family, it's your responsibility. I mean, it might mean that you're going to define your own traditions, even if it upsets your family, let them, it might mean that you're the one who makes the effort, even though no one else does. You are the one who shows up and asks the questions. You are the one who is interested. You are the one who makes the plans for the family. You are the one that brings the games. No one thinks you, no one calls back. Let them. And the reason why this matters is because you're not doing it for them.
(52:12):
You're doing it for you. You're doing it because this is the kind of person that you are. That's what it means to take responsibility for the kind of relationship that you have in regard to your family. It's not about them, it's about you. It might mean saying, I love you, or I understand, or I forgive you for the very first time. It might mean having the hard conversation that you've been avoiding because you've been afraid of their opinions or their judgment or their disappointment. It might mean freeing yourself from the guilt and making some big changes. And it might mean that you're going to separate yourself because you just aren't willing to accept less than you deserve. Or you might be like me and you're like, I got to focus on what matters. And I got to focus on shifting how I show up because I'm going to go all in while I still have time.
(53:09):
The truth is any relationship can get better. And the Let Them Theory has helped me improve almost every relationship that I have. Because when you let other people think what they think or feel, what they feel or say what they say or do what they do, it actually gives you the freedom to do what you want and to say what you want and to think what you want. And when you start showing up and aligning your thoughts and your energy and your actions with your values, guess what happens? You're so proud of yourself and when you're proud of yourself and you're showing up because it matters to you and you're not doing it out of guilt or obligation or this sense of duty, you're doing it because this is who you are. You actually stop focusing on what everybody else thinks. And that creates this space for people to feel accepted and for you to feel in control.
(54:05):
And when that happens, everything changes. I am so excited for you. I'm excited for you to use Let Them and to use. Let me to truly create a dynamic in your family that you deserve. That's how powerful you are. And we've all made mistakes. Clearly, I'm still making them. I got a lot of room for improvement. That's not what to focus on. The thing to focus on is the fact that you actually care to, that you value this. And regardless of what it is that you define and what your values say about what family means to you, it is undeniable in my mind that you hold the cards, you're in control, and that you can shift this in any direction you want because it all starts with you. And in case no one else tells you. And in case your family doesn't tell you, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your power to create a better life.
(55:13):
And when you get clear about the things that you want and the way that you want your relationships to feel, and you start using, let them and let me to create the space for people to live their lives, your life is going to get better. Your relationships are going to get better. Your family life is going to get better, and I am so excited for that to happen to you. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode for you on YouTube. I just want to thank you for being here all the way to the end, and I cannot wait for you to share this with your family and with your friends. And I also want to make a request that you hit subscribe because one of my goals is that 50% of people that watch this channel are subscribers. It's free. It's a way that you can really show me that you love the content we're putting out. And I know you love this video and you're probably going to rewatch it, but you're thinking, what should I watch next? Well, this is the perfect video to go to next, and I'll be waiting for you in that video the moment you hit play.
Resources
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- UC Berkeley: Family Conflict Is Normal; It’s the Repair That Matters
- Jefferson Center for Mental Health: 5 Tips to Help Navigate Family Conflicts
- The New York Times: How to Avoid Family Drama This Holiday Season
- Helpguide.org: Blended Family and Step-Parenting Tips
- Headspace: How to handle family drama during the holidays
- Harvard Medical School: Holiday Stress and the Brain
- American Psychological Association: Even a joyous holiday season can cause stress for most Americans
- McLean Hospital: McLean’s Guide to Managing Mental Health Around the Holidays
- Psychology Today: Handling Political Disagreements in the Family
- NPR: Have a politically divided family? These tips help you talk across the dinner table
- Judgement and Decision Making: Perspective neglect: Inadequate perspective taking limits coordination
- Business Insider: 7 signs it could be time to cut off contact with a family member, according to a psychologist
- Calm: How to set family boundaries (and why they’re so important)
- Helpguide.org: Children and Divorce
- The American Institute of Stress: 10 Top Tips For Navigating Holiday Grief And Stress In 2024
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