3 Truths You Need to Hear: The Best Expert Advice to Unlock Your Potential

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Hey, it's your friend, Mel. I am so excited that you're here with me. It's always such an honor to get to spend some time and to be together. And if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family. Now I know you're the type of person who values your time and you're interested in learning about ways that you can improve your life. I absolutely love that you're going to love our conversation today, because today we're going to talk about the importance of the things that you say to yourself and how the things that you say turn into who you become. And have you ever had an experience in life? Maybe you've been on a sports team or you've had a mentor, or there's somebody that you really look up to and all of a sudden they call you out on your BS and maybe you're whining about something or you're like, I don't think I can do that. And they're like, that's not true. Or maybe you've done that with somebody that you love. I know I do that with my kids all the time. When they start getting down on themselves, I'm the first one to be like, that's not true. Or when your spouse is in a funk or a friend of yours, they just can't get over the breakup and they've been down and out forever. But you see the truth about who this person that you love truly is at their core. And when somebody's telling themselves a lie, right?

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Oh i'll never find love again, I'll never lose the weight. I'll never find another job. I can't get good grades. Nobody likes me. And when

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You see somebody that you love and they say they was kind of lies to themselves, you're like, that's not true. In fact, if you're like me, you kind of mad at 'em, don't you? You're like, will you just stop trashing yourself like that? Will you just see what I see? Will you just dust yourself off? Well, today I'm going to be doing that with you because there are these three lies that you have been telling yourself you probably don't even realize as you're doing this. And when I think about you sitting there lying to yourself like this, honestly it makes me mad and lemme tell you why it makes me mad. It makes me mad 

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And these conversations, holy cow, talk about opening up some doors. And so with the help of inspiring and world-renowned experts in psychology and neuroscience and manifesting, holy cow, we're going to show you the truth of who you are, of what you're capable of. So I hope you've buckled up. I hope you are ready. I hope you have cleared your calendar because this is a conversation that you are meant to hear in this moment right now, and I'm going to start by just kind of setting the broadest possible context for our conversation. Okay? There's a reason why this matters. It is so damaging to lie to yourself, and it is important for you to start telling yourself the truth, and this goes way deeper than common sense. I want to introduce you to Dr. James Doty, who is a world renowned Stanford neurosurgeon and neuroscientist, and he's an expert on the science of manifestation. He recently told me why the lies you tell yourself have such a devastating impact on the quality of your life, and I want you to listen up to what Dr. Doty has to say.

Dr. James Doty (00:05:44):

Oftentimes when we tell ourselves we're not good enough, we're not worthy, we don't deserve love. We think there's some truth in that, but we have as humans a negativity bias where negative statements have a tendency stick with us, and this leads oftentimes to rumination. And once you tell yourself it is not possible, I cannot, that becomes truth. And so we create our own limited belief system.

Mel Robbins (00:06:11):

Did you hear that? I want to make sure you heard that Dr. Doty said, this is a neuroscientist talking. Once you tell yourself it is not possible, I cannot, that becomes your truth. Now, this is not necessarily a new idea. Dr. Doty is just kind of explaining the neuroscientific foundation based on decades of research, but remember what the Buddha said, what you think you become, what you feel. You attract what you imagine you create, your thoughts and words have power, and today you're going to learn you better wake up and start using your words and your thoughts for good, and we're going to make this really simple. What you think shapes what you say to yourself, what you say to yourself inspires what you do and don't do. And what you do every single day becomes who you are. I mean, just think about this for a minute.

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If you want to know what your life is going to look like five years from now, just look at what your life looks like today. What are you thinking about today? What are the lies you're telling yourself today? What are the things that you're saying, I'm not good enough. It'll never work out for me. Okay? If you keep doing that, how do you think life's going to work out for you? It's not. If you keep saying you're never going to get in shape, do you think you're ever going to take the actions that are going to change this? No. All of the actions that you take or you don't take determine who you become. If you want to be a different person in five years, then you better start making some changes right now today, as you and I are having this conversation, because once you see these lies, just like you call out a lie with a friend, don't be telling that lie to yourself.

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Don't be lying to me like that. You got to do that with yourself. Lie number one, you tell yourself you're failing at life not true. In fact, the truth is you're well on your way. I'm going to prove it to, and you better start telling yourself that truth. I am on my way. I am figuring this out. Lie number two, you tell yourself you're not motivated or worse, that you're lazy, not true. The truth is you have plenty of motivation in your brain and you're going to learn today from a world renowned expert, one of the biggest experts in the world on motivation. This is a Harvard trained psychiatrist who is going to prove to you and teach you how to just tap into that motivation. Got it? Good. Now we're on line number three. 

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Oh, you pull it back to yourself and you start bashing yourself, and then you start telling yourself all kinds of lies. I'm failing. I'm losing at the game of life. They're figuring it out. I'm totally lost. They're successful. I'm a loser. Are you ready for the truth? The truth is you're not failing. The truth is everything that you do in life is preparing you for what comes next. You are not failing. You are finding your way. That's what we're all doing. In fact, I wrote an entire chapter in the Let Them Theory about this that's called Life isn't fair, life isn't fair. You're right, life isn't fair. Everybody in life is dealt a different hand, and the more that you stare at the cards in someone else's hands, the more miserable you're going to be and the more you're going to say this lie that, oh, I'm failing at life.

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No, you're not. And here's why. You're not actually playing against other people. You're playing with them. I'm going to say that again. You're not actually playing against other people. Success, happiness, achievement. It's in limitless supply. Nobody can take anything that is destined for you from you. See, you're playing with people. You can learn how to be a better player from people. Other people don't block the way. If you stop lying to yourself and saying that you're a loser, you will see that other people's success and achievement lead the way that can show you the direction you're interested in heading next. How fricking cool is that? See, there's a big difference in what other people are achieving and when they've achieved it. When you feel like you're failing because of somebody else's life, it's because you're focused on the fact that they have it now and you're lying to yourself saying, I've failed.

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I'll never have it. Let's flip this into the truth. Everything in life is a lesson. Whatever it is that makes you feel like you're failing, it's just simply something you want, like a fabulous love story. Of course you do. You deserve that. You can create that. Just because somebody else has that now doesn't mean you failed. They're showing you that what you want is possible. They're leading the way. This is a lesson. That's it. You want to make more money. You can do that. Look, you're listening to a woman that was $800,000 in debt. I had liens on my house. I could barely get groceries on the table. I really felt like I was failing every single person my age that had made it, that were taking their family to Disney World that could pay their bills that were renovating their kitchen. For a long time, I thought I was failing, and then I learned this lesson.

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Oh, wait, I want that. I can work for that. Maybe I'm not meant to have that right now, but that doesn't mean I can't have it later. And that's the lesson. Remind yourself that through hard work and effort and patience, 95% of the things that other people have you can create for yourself. See, the problem isn't the tendency to compare. The problem is that you're torturing yourself with it because you're focusing on the fact that they've got it now and that you don't have it now makes you a loser. Baloney. Baloney. They have it when they're supposed to have it. You can have it when you're supposed to have it if you're willing to work for it. See, your life isn't over. That's how I know you haven't failed, and I know that your life isn't over because you're listening or watching me right now.

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And the lesson you needed to learn today, which is why you tuned in, is that you're never failing in life if you're learning something from it. And today, you get to make a choice. You get to choose whether you're telling yourself the lie that based on where somebody else is right now and where you are, that you're failing, you're falling behind. You'll never get what you want. You were losing stop. It's so stupid. Why would you say that? To just stop and look, I get it. There are very deep psychological reasons why we all do this, but I just want you to wake up and realize that you get to choose what you say to yourself and choosing to believe that you're capable of achieving the things that you want. And for whatever reason, you're not there right now, but you can be in the future.

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Let's just play this out. If you choose to start to say to yourself, I think through my hard work and my attitude, I could create amazing things, and then you start to say that to yourself, I think through my hard work and my positive attitude, I could create amazing things. What do you think you're going to wake up and do tomorrow? Wake? Oh, you're probably going to wake up and do some amazing things. Why? Because you think it and you say it, and that makes you want to do it. And guess what happens? If you wake up every day and you start chipping away at the things that you want, you become that person. That's how this works. If you choose to believe that your path in life is meant for something bigger than where you are right now, you will get there. But if you are so preoccupied with this lie, if you are so trapped in thinking that you're a failure in chronically comparing yourself to other people and then bashing yourself with it, you'll never, ever, ever see the truth.

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And the truth is that there is a much bigger and more exciting future for you, and it is waiting for you to just reach out and grab it. And you're here with me right now and in this conversation with me today because you're meant to wake the hell up and stop lying to yourself. This is an invitation for you to stop lying, stop saying that you failed. Stop saying it's never going to happen. Because every time you tell yourself that lie, you close the door and your friend Mel Robbins, I'm opening up an invitation. That's what I'm doing. I'm saying, I want you to accept the truth. Your future is wide open. You get to choose who you become. That is the truth. There are just too many examples of people that had way worse off than you, who felt way more like a failure than you.

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I had the numbers on the paper, I had the liens on the house. I had mathematical proof that I was failing at finance, and yet I changed what I said to myself. And to help me reinforce this, I'm calling on a friend of mine, 

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So I asked Steven about his mindset and honestly, what the man says when he opens his mouth is like a masterclass. And I want to start by just kind of setting the table and giving you just a little shorthand about his childhood. And Steven talks very openly about how he had a extremely difficult and rough childhood. He grew up as one of the only black kids in an all white neighborhood, all white school outside of London. He was the youngest of four boys. His grades abysmal money, non-existent in the family. And Steven started ditching class and selling cigarettes on the school playground for money. And then one of his friends said something to him that changed the trajectory of his entire life. Check this out.

Steven Bartlett (00:18:09):

One of my friends said to me back then, they said, you're either going to be a millionaire in jail. And that for me, I remember where I stood when he said that to me at seven years old because I was that desperate, which means if I need money and if I think money equals fitting in and belonging, then I'm going to sell everything in the house. I'm going to start businesses at 12. I'm going to sell the cigarettes my mom bought back from Nigeria in those black bags in the spare room. I'm going to do whatever I can.

Mel Robbins (00:18:35):

I want to make sure you heard that one moment changed the trajectory of his entire life. He's got this friend that says, you're either going to go to jail or you're going to be a millionaire. You get to choose. And he also explained to you how what he thought became what he said, which became what he did, which became who he became. And that's a lot of becomes, but let me unpack this for you. Basically he felt like an outsider in his community, only black kid in this all white town, super, super, super poor. So when that friend said to him, you're either going to go to jail or you're going to be a millionaire, bing, he thought, wait, money means I will belong here. I could be a millionaire. That means I'm going to fit into this place that I don't think I fit into.

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He started thinking, if I make money, then I am going to become somebody that I want to be, which is somebody that other people respect and look up to. And the more that he said, I'm going to make money, guess what? The more that he found ways to make money. Now I'm not suggesting that you steal cigarettes and you sell 'em on a playground to make money. I am using this as an example to point out that he used this formula. He could have easily focused on the fact I'm the only black kid. I am failing out of school. We don't have any money at home. My dad is gone working. My mom is working all the time. I am basically alone as the youngest of four, barely surviving. He used this word like a feral cat running around the neighborhood. And bing, instead of saying, I am a failure, he chose to think something else. If I make money and if I do what it takes to make money, then I will become the person I want to be. And what he started doing was experiments. And here's how he explains what he means. By experiments,

Steven Bartlett (00:20:28):

The world is only going to change faster and faster and faster and ever before, which means the correct answer is going to change so quickly that you're not going to get it anywhere else other than conducting an experiment in your life, which means taking that first step and from those experiments, you end up building a ton of evidence about yourself. Then by 16, I realized that grades weren't going to get me where I needed desperately to go. And when you realize that the system is telling you success and happiness is a result of getting an A on that exam that you can't get an A on, you have to find another path.

Mel Robbins (00:21:00):

He used the word experiments, and this is the doing part when you start to tell yourself the truth that you can find your way. And in Steven's case, his way when he was really, really little was I got to figure out ways to make money right the way and all the little stuff that you start to do, these are all just experiments, okay? They don't have to be fixed in stone. As Steven was explaining to me, he's like, these are just little tests about what's working and what's not working. I want to illustrate an example that a lot of you may be able to relate to or maybe you relate to on behalf of somebody that you love. And let's just say that you are out of shape. You have let your health go. You've been caring for other people or working like crazy 

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That's a good thing for me. Let's just say you think that, okay, you don't even do anything now, let's just say you start saying it to yourself or writing in a journal. I deserve to feel good in my body. I deserve to have healthier habits. I deserve to move my body a little bit and take that time. If you keep saying that one of these mornings you're going to wake up, you're going to be like, you know what? I'm the kind of person who deserves to feel good in my body. I think I might go for a walk today. And next thing you know, you're going to the gym and next thing you know, you're trying a yoga class. And next thing you know, you're running all these little experiments and you're signing up for the 5K charity walk and your local town. And next thing you know, you've become a person that's healthier and you become a person that moves their body and you become a person that takes care of yourself.

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And I love this idea of running little experiments because the problem with lies is when you lie to yourself, you close the door on what's possible and you keep yourself stuck. I did this in my career for a long time. I went to law school and the second I got to law school, right? Law school is three years. It is an exorbitant amount of money I get to law school and I realize I freaking hate it here I started saying, I'm stuck. I've failed. I picked the wrong career, but now that I'm here, I got to stay here. And when you lie to yourself and say, you failed or you made the wrong call, it's almost like walking into a room and the door shuts behind you. And I don't care what it is, whether it's a relationship that didn't work out or a job that didn't work out, or in my case, an entire career path that didn't work out or a graduate degree or the apartment you rented turned out to be absolutely horrific when you say to yourself, I made the wrong call.

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I failed. And for me, I not only completed law school, I then got a job as a lawyer. And so now I find myself, I'm now six years into this thing. I'm 29 years old, I'm pregnant, I have a mortgage. I hate what I do for a living. When people would ask me, Mel, what do you do for a living? And I have to answer, I'm a lawyer. It's like I have puke coming out of my mouth. And here's the lie, I started saying to myself, I'm stuck in this career. I have failed. I have failed. I have made the wrong decision and I can't do anything about this. And when you tell yourself that lie, that's what you become. And I was a stock lawyer who hated my life for way too long because every day I would wake up and I would think, I hate this, but I can't do anything.

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I failed. I picked the wrong career. Now I'm stuck with it. And that means I did nothing right? And look, I get it. It is so easy for somebody to post a quote on Instagram that says, when one door closes, another one opens. But when you feel like you're the one in the room with the door shut and you failed, the truth is this, you've never failed because everything that you do is preparing you for what comes next. That's the truth. There are no failures in life if you can learn from it. It's not a failure, it's a lesson. So if you are hearing my words right now or you're watching this right now on YouTube, I need you to understand something. This lie will keep you where you are for the rest of your life. It will. And the fact is, you are merely on one stone on the path of your life.

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And if you look backwards right now, I guarantee you, you could explain to me how absolutely everything that has happened to you has led you right here to this moment right now. Imagine if in this moment I a lot about this. Imagine if while I was in law school I could go back and I could have listened to this conversation and the 23-year-old me could have changed what I was thinking and saying to myself that if you don't like this, you can leave. And that's true. You can always leave a conversation or a date or a job interview or a career or a marriage or an apartment, anything. You are never failing. You are never stuck. And if you can look backwards and see how everything has led you here, why can't you stand where you are here and tell yourself the truth that where I am now is leading me to where I need to be in the future, that I am on my way, which means I am on my way to winning.

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I am on my way to where I want to be, and I'm going to grab this advice from Steven and then I'm going to start doing little experiments to help me get there. And that is what Steven is going to tell you. He is going to tell you how to take this concept even further because the truth is you don't need to figure out your life at 26. If you didn't make it in one career, then go into another one. You don't have to have it together now. You can have it together later. In fact, most of us will never have it together. So if you figure out how to get it all together, I would love to know the answer to that. One of the reasons why you fail comes back to comparison and comes back to society and the fact that you're staring at everybody else instead of looking in the mirror and recognizing that you've got absolutely everything that you need to not only stop closing the door on yourself, but to kick the damn thing open and walk through it and get on your way. I'm going to pass it to my friend, Steven. Steven, take it away.

Mel Robbins (00:29:15):

I love that. I love that you've got experiments and now you got question, question the things you believe because a lot of what you believe and say to yourself is a complete lie or it's someone else's truth, but it doesn't apply to you. And I'm going to remind you why this is so important for you to take this conversation seriously. Your words matter. What you think shapes what you say and what you say to yourself over and over is you do, and what you do becomes who you are. So if you're in a place where you feel like a failure or you're struggling with comparison or you're scared to death about what other people think, start questioning the things that you're thinking and saying to yourself, push against the doors that have closed because just like Steven saying, and just like I found the second you start changing the narrative in your own brain and you start telling yourself the truth, those doors push wide open.

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They really do. Every time you tell yourself you're failing or losing at life, you're lying. It's not true. The truth is everything in your life is leading you where you're meant to go. So stop sitting there and telling yourself that the door is closed and kick it open and you got to tell yourself the truth. I am on my way. I am on my own timeline. I am capable of achieving the things that I want. I'm going to open up this door by opening up my thinking because what I think becomes what I say, what I say becomes the experiments that I do that lead me to who I am going to become. And that brings me to the second lie that you are telling yourself, which is, I'm not motivated. I don't have any motivation. I'm not disciplined. Or even worse, you say you're lazy.

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Can I tell you the truth? The truth is you have plenty of motivation. See, you just don't understand your brain circuitry. You have no idea how to squeeze all the juice of focus and determination and willpower out of that incredible machine in your head. It is all there. You have plenty of motivation to tap into. You're not lazy at all. Most people are not laziness. What's interesting about somebody who's actually lazy is that you just choose not to do something that's not laziness, that's a decision. Okay? So let's just be honest with that. You don't have to take my word for this. By the way, I got my friend Harvard trained psychiatrist, Dr. Alok Kanojia, he's also known as Dr. K. He is one of the world's leading experts on motivation. He is got millions of people that follow him on healthy gamer on his YouTube channel, and he's going to tell you, it's not that you're unmotivated or you're lazy. That's a lie. You just don't know how to use your brain and you and I are going to fix it. Check out Dr. K.

Dr. Alok Kanojia (00:32:01):

So what I would say is we are spending our whole lives swimming upstream. Instead of understanding our motivational circuitry, we are trying to conquer it. When your motivation comes from the right place, then you are impervious to the circumstances around you affecting your motivation.

Mel Robbins (00:32:19):

So what Dr. K just said is actually great news. Lemme try to translate that. Okay. He's basically saying the issue isn't the amount of motivation you have. The issue is you don't understand the circuitry in your brain that allows you to tap into it, and it's not true that you're unmotivated. The truth is you're just working against your own brain circuitry and that's great news because that means it's a lie to say that you're unmotivated or lazy. The truth is your brain has just as much motivational juice in it that you need to focus and to work out and to get all this stuff done has anybody else's. You just don't know how to squeeze it. Luckily Dr. K explains that a huge reason why a lot of us kind of feel unmotivated comes down to how your brain is wired and a major mistake that you make when you lie to yourself and say, I'm just unmotivated and you don't understand your brain circuitry. This was me, this was me, and I want to set up this advice from Dr. K for you because Dr. K is about to break down how your brain works so you can understand your motivational circuitry and you can access it and you can stop lying to yourself and you can start living in the truth, which is you got just as much juice as everybody else, and he's going to first explain this incredible fact that