Communicate with Confidence: The Blueprint for Mastering Every Conversation

Jefferson Fisher (18:15):

Yeah, exactly. You have to, in many ways, what you say to them is going to give them the value that you want them to hold. So I'm telling you this because I know you believe in transparency. I'm coming to you with this and I know it's not fun to talk about. You're somebody who can handle it. I know you have big shoulders. You tell them the quality that you want them to have, and they will rise up to it. They'll stand up straight into it.

Mel Robbins (18:40):

Oh, I love that. You tell someone the qualities that you want them to have and people rise up into it

Jefferson Fisher (18:48):

Every time when you say something to them, for example, let's say, Mel, I know that you're somebody that takes value in people's words or that you value patience. They go, oh yeah. In their mind they're thinking, yeah, oh yeah, I'm patient. Yeah. Hey Greg, I'm telling you this because I know you have an open mind. All of a sudden, Greg is like, I do have an open mind. Yes, I do. And so it, you can do that same thing when you walk into a room. So if you don't feel comfortable saying it directly about the person, you can say what this room Is.

Mel Robbins (19:21):

What do you mean? What does that mean?

Jefferson Fisher (19:22):

You walk in say, I want to make sure that this room is one that I can be entirely truthful in.

Mel Robbins (19:27):

So where would you use that at work?

Jefferson Fisher (19:30):

Yeah. Let's say you're in somebody's office. It doesn't have to be the room of truth. I'm just saying wherever you are,

Mel Robbins (19:36):

You say that to yourself or you say that,

Jefferson Fisher (19:37):

Say that out loud. I want to make sure that this is a place of honesty. I want to make sure that I'm speaking in a place that's free to say what I need to say. Are we good with that? And they go, yeah,

Mel Robbins (19:48):

I love this because in lawyer speak, you're basically leading a witness.

Jefferson Fisher (19:53):

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (19:54):

But it works like a charm. And I've never really thought about that as a strategy to tell people how I want you to react to something

Jefferson Fisher (20:03):

And you add that on to what I call a frame in the conversation. So you tell somebody, you go a step further, and that is you tell them how you want the conversation to end.

Mel Robbins (20:14):

Okay, so tell me this.

Jefferson Fisher (20:15):

So let's say you made a comment at dinner.

Mel Robbins (20:20):

Yes. Last night or

Jefferson Fisher (20:21):

Something.

Mel Robbins (20:21):

Okay. Yes. Okay.

Jefferson Fisher (20:22):

So it's this concept of you tell them what you want to talk about. You tell them how you want the feel. After you end the conversation and you get their agreement to it, you'd step into it and say, I like to talk to you about a comment you made last night at dinner. And I want to walk away from that conversation knowing that this isn't a topic you're going to bring up again in front of other people. That sound good?

Mel Robbins (20:46):

That sounds like I'm in trouble.

Jefferson Fisher (20:47):

Justin Jefferson. Yeah,

Mel Robbins (20:48):

It could be. So now I'm literally going, I'm not going to bring it up ever again,

Jefferson Fisher (20:51):

But you get what I mean? Yes. Or let's say a comment that you made at a meeting last week, and I want to make sure that you and I are on the same wavelength. The next meeting that we have does that work? And they go, that works. And now you have a frame, and now you know exactly what the conversation is about and what it's not about. Because if you talk about everything, then you really talk about nothing. You've had those meetings where, alright, everybody, we got a lot to do today. We have a lot to talk about. And you lead those meetings feeling like you've

Mel Robbins (21:20):

Really, like every meeting

Jefferson Fisher (21:21):

You didn't talk about anything.

Mel Robbins (21:22):

Yes. That's every meeting that I lead. So now I'm going to use your technique question for you. 

Jefferson Fisher (21:39):

Well, if you're in a position where you have to talk to somebody you don't like, that does not give you any reason to be less likable. It's that mentality of don't argue with a fool because onlookers won't know the difference. I forgot who said that quote, but it's that idea of if you're talking to somebody you don't like, well, you're going to talk to them as if you do.

Mel Robbins (22:03):

How do you do that?

Jefferson Fisher (22:04):

You just be who you are. Understand that you're not trying to convince the other person to like you

(22:09):

Or convince yourself to the other person. You're convincing the people around you because they're watching you. They're watching how you talk to somebody. They're watching how you treat other people. And if you need to just go neutral, just stick with basic facts instead of trying to get cute and make these offhand comments and roll your I and cross your arms instead. Just be very neutral in the conversation. They ask you what time it is instead of going, well, if you were here, oh, it's so you don't got to watch. Okay. Instead of doing that, you just tell them the time. Be very quick with it. Get in, get out. You don't need to have more conversations than you need to, but you never want to give somebody a reason, especially somebody who's not in the conversation not to like you.

Mel Robbins (22:51):

How do you handle somebody that kind of belittles you? You're like picking on your weight or their constantly. Are you still single? 

Jefferson Fisher (23:07):

Right?

Mel Robbins (23:08):

What do you do in those situations

Jefferson Fisher (23:10):

When somebody is belittling you or giving you a insult? That hurtful comment, you make them. Say it again. Because what they're hoping to do in that belittling comment is get that reaction out of you. And instead you find a way to take all the fun out of it. So when you ask 'em to repeat what they said, you're not giving them that hit of dopamine that they're expecting from your reaction. They're not getting that response time from you. Instead you're delaying that gratification for them, then it's just not worth it. Then it's just not fun. And so when you ask them to repeat it, to say, I need you to say that again,

Mel Robbins (23:48):

We need to role play this.

Jefferson Fisher (23:50):

Sure.

Mel Robbins (23:51):

I'm trying to think of a scenario

Jefferson Fisher (23:52):

Like you just said right there, you're still single.

Mel Robbins (23:56):

I need you to repeat that.

Jefferson Fisher (23:57):

Yeah, so exactly. I'm not going to want to say that again because now that spotlight is on me. And then also what you'd lead up with that is you ask questions of intent. For example, did you say that to hurt me? And now it's this mirror that they feel like, why did I say that? Oh, okay. And then they start to backtrack. Then you don't have to say anything. So if somebody says to you, oh, so you're still single, I need you to say that again. Most likely they're not going to say that again. But if they do, then you can even repeat what they said. I'm still single. That's what you asked me. And all of a sudden they realize this isn't fun. They're not going to ask that kind of thing again. Wow. Or you just ask that question of Did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to offend me? Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn't say that. What I meant was, and all of a sudden they're backing away because they know you're going to stand your ground.

Mel Robbins (24:57):

Wow. This is very eyeopening because I can see both situations where I need to use it, and I can see situations where I probably say things and I'm thinking particularly to my adult kids, that probably feels belittling. I can think about our daughter out in Los Angeles and every time I see her, she's wearing a piece of clothing that I don't recognize. And so I think to myself, and oftentimes I will say, is that new? And I'm thinking in my mind, where do you get the money for this? That kind of thing. And then she's literally like, yeah, I thrifted it and there's this little tiff thing. But if she were to say to me,

Jefferson Fisher (25:43):

Yeah, if she were to ask you

Mel Robbins (25:45):

The question, are you trying to embarrass me?

Jefferson Fisher (25:47):

Yeah, exactly. Are you trying to insinuate something? Are you trying to say something that you're not wanting to tell me?

Mel Robbins (25:53):

Right. The question is what I'm saying on the surface, but what I'm actually accusing her of is not being responsible with her money.

Jefferson Fisher (26:03):

It's that mirror.

Mel Robbins (26:04):

Yes.

Jefferson Fisher (26:04):

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (26:05):

Yes. And

Jefferson Fisher (26:05):

So it takes away the power of their insult.

Mel Robbins (26:08):

Wow.

Jefferson Fisher (26:09):

When you can take all the fun out of it, you take all the oxygen out of their room and they realize that they're not going to be able to control you with that reaction that they were hoping to get from you.

Mel Robbins (26:19):

How do you respond to disrespect?

Jefferson Fisher (26:22):

A lot of silence. So often if you just wait 10 seconds, you're going to add distance between what they said and how you're going to respond. Because what they're wanting when somebody's disrespectful is the same way with belittling. They're saying this to get something out of you because in that moment they're feeling something, whether it's a fear, an insecurity, whatever it is, you're not going to deliver on that same plane that they are. You're not going to be on that same level. So if somebody says something disrespectful, you give enough silence to make sure that it's a little awkward. And then you're going to say something to the effect of That's below my standard for a response. And then all of a sudden they feel like the dynamic has been flipped. Something as simple as that, all of a sudden you're now making it clear that what you just said was beneath me and I don't respond to things that are beneath me in that way. And so now you're taking control of it. Now you're leaning into it what they thought was meant as a disrespect. They're now understanding that they're in the wrong place.

Mel Robbins (27:29):

I was with somebody yesterday who had just visited their mother, and I said to her, how did it go? And she said, well, it was fine, but it's my mother. And the thing that drives me crazy is she is extremely disrespectful to anybody that is waiting on us at a restaurant. So much so that the owner came over and said something to her. 

Jefferson Fisher (28:09):

Depends how your relationship is with that person. I would advise that whoever they're disrespecting, you don't join in it and you make it clear that that is not your behavior. So you're going to be a person that is kind to this person. So I've had it before where my grandfather came with me to Walmart. This is a terrible time. He was in a bad mood and he was crotchety to everybody we talked to, but I was the one that was, thank you so much for helping us. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Being overly, Hey, I understand. Thank you. And then you have that conversation. I had to have that conversation with my grandfather.

Mel Robbins (28:46):

How did you do that?

Jefferson Fisher (28:47):

I had to put a boundary, a very firm boundary of if this is the way you're going to talk to people, I can't come with you if you don't change the tone in which you're talking to people. Papa, I can't. I can't come. And so it very was, what am I saying? You're not being respectful to people. Yes, I am. I would not be telling you this if you had been respectful to people, it's the people you love. And often you have to be their biggest mirror of protecting them also for how other people see them. And so I love my grandfather. I want other people to love him, and that means I also have to make sure that I need to prepare him in a loving way of being very direct. This is how you're talking to people.

Mel Robbins (29:31):

Has he changed?

Jefferson Fisher (29:32):

He has.

Mel Robbins (29:33):

Wow.

Jefferson Fisher (29:33):

We also just don't go to Walmart. My gosh. It's just saying I feel instead of I think it is. I feel if that is a feeling that you actually have, in other words, separating the person from the problem. For example, let's say you need to criticize a proposal that somebody had or a presentation instead of using the word you with it, your presentation that's going to get them defensive. Instead make it a third person. The proposal, the presentation, the presentation could benefit from a few changes instead of your proposal. Wasn't that great? So you find ways of objectifying. You're separating the person from the problem itself. So that's a way of expressing how you feel about a certain thing.

Mel Robbins (30:19):

Can I stop you right there?

Jefferson Fisher (30:20):

Of course.

Mel Robbins (30:21):

I immediately see an application as a parent or as a roommate, where as a parent personally, I'll throw myself under the bus here. I have never done that. Your room is a mess. Your stuff is everywhere. It's accusation, accusation, accusation. So how would you use this technique to be more effective at communicating when you're talking to kids or you're talking to somebody that you live with and you want to use this strategy of removing the you're wrong from the thing that you want them to do?

Mel Robbins (31:02):

Absolutely. You can do whatever you want.

Jefferson Fisher (31:04):

So let's say, well, you and I are at a table right now, and let's say you and I are disagreeing about something and in the middle of the room, let's just put this as the problem. This is the problem. This is how I see the problem. And you're going to argue this is how you see the problem.

(31:19):

Great. Now the issue between us is not each other, it's the problem. But in the real conversation, it's hard to get out of that. Instead, it's me pulling my chair and saying, Mel, come over here. Come sit next to me. Let's talk about this problem. What are we going to do about this? So instead of your room's not clean, I see the room still isn't clean, what should we do about it? It's that idea of trying to get them to let's look at the problem together. How do you find ways to, that's what I mean by separating the person from the problem instead of getting onto you and saying, now you're lazy. You don't understand. You're so stupid. You're such an idiot. Instead of that, the problem is the problem on the table. Come sit next to me and let's talk about the problem. And now instead of opponents, we're teammates,

Mel Robbins (32:09):

Your kids are screwed. I mean, I had this whole visual, as you were saying this of me frustrated, yelling or stressed or exacerbated about the pile of laundry or the state of the room or whatever it is, and then making a fuss about the problem,

Jefferson Fisher (32:30):

Which

Mel Robbins (32:30):

Only puts somebody on the defensive

Jefferson Fisher (32:33):

Every time.

Mel Robbins (32:33):

Versus imagine if you're standing in front of the kitchen sink with your family, or you're standing in front of the living room with your roommate and you're like, this room's pretty messy. What should we do about it?

Jefferson Fisher (32:48):

Exactly.

Mel Robbins (32:49):

Completely different approach

Jefferson Fisher (32:52):

Without a doubt. And it's this idea of having kind of a need check of saying, let's take a time out. I want to make sure that I have time with y'all to do X activities. We also have a need to do the dishes. I need help with that. Or I have a need for your room to be clean. I have a need for this house to be clean. What's your need? How can we help with that? So when you use the word help, people love to be helpful. It's this ability to, instead of just attacking them that you don't understand, you don't get it, you're lazy or you don't care. Those are all words that just cut for no reason when your problem is not them. The problem is the issue.

Mel Robbins (33:36):

Wow. You could use this with anything.

Jefferson Fisher (33:38):

Anything.

Mel Robbins (33:38):

You could use this. If somebody's playing too much video games, you could use this. If somebody's not taking care of themselves, the problem isn't the person. It's the issue that is bothering you and that need that you have to see somebody either doing better or to see the house picked up or to see people helping out. That's fricking genius. I'm a little concerned because given that I'm a talker, it's easy for me to take this advice and just go, blah, blah, I can apply it immediately because I am not uncomfortable talking to other people, and I haven't had social anxiety since law school. But there are a ton of people that listen who do, and I can think of a particular friend of mine who is so amazing, and the second she's around other people, she just kind of clams up. Do you have any specific strategies or advice for somebody who would like to be better about just speaking and feeling more confident about it or feeling like I can display authority a certain way if there are certain phrases or strategies? 

Jefferson Fisher (35:05):

I coach people the same way. I coach my legal clients and I walk them through a series of steps as well as I do. When we send somebody out to be cross examined, we're giving them up to the wolves in many ways. I mean their credibility. You have somebody who wants to hurt their credibility. There's somebody who wants to prove them wrong, call them a liar. So how do you equip them with the armor to take that on? Some of the basics of what I talk about is I want them to feel that they can say things very succinctly, meaning often people who are nervous to talk have that social anxiety, they say too much, then they felt like they didn't say anything at all afterwards, and that just means they're watering down what they're saying.

Mel Robbins (35:52):

Okay,

Jefferson Fisher (35:53):

Let's put this in a scenario. Okay, so sorry to bother the email, but I have this, well, I mean it's not really this thing, but it's okay. So essentially what I really want to say is this isn't really something I'm too, too comfortable with, but I mean that is what you see. The 99% of

Mel Robbins (36:13):

Yes,

Jefferson Fisher (36:13):

The 1% says takes a breath, lets their breath be the first word that they say and says, this is not something I'm comfortable with. Period. You see how different it is? Yes. The same thing. Same. I mean it's the same objective. One is watered down, the other is served to you straight. And so you find ways to eliminate the water from your drink, so to speak. You got to get rid of all the ice cubes, the over apologizing, the putting your words down before you even get them out. That's where you experience real growth and real change in your sentences.

Mel Robbins (36:53):

I want to make sure that as you were listening to Jefferson, you actually heard that because the single most important thing that you said was taking a breath is the first word.

Jefferson Fisher (37:06):

Exactly.

Mel Robbins (37:06):

And so if you're somebody that just opens your mouth and all kinds of stuff starts coming out, and then you start to of course feel more anxious because you've lost control of what you're saying, and then that just makes you keep going. And then you get flustered and then your face turns red, and then now you're like, I'm never talking again.

(37:26):

And I didn't even say what I meant to say. Your breath is the first word, and then you're coaching us to really think about what do you actually want to say? And so for somebody that has a hard time in a social setting and you are walking into a party, you don't know a lot of people, you're walking into a networking meeting, you don't know a lot of people. You want to prepare yourself to be able to say something. Is there an opening line or a way that you recommend that people start to just practice the art of just talking to other people? 

Jefferson Fisher (38:13):

Yeah, that is difficult. I would say that just focus on one person, even though it's a room of plenty. You can be in a room and feel like you talk to everybody, but you just scratched the surface. Trade that for a real conversation with just one person. So there's plenty of times where you've left a meeting or you've left an event and you go, man, I really like this person who I got to spend a quality six minutes with versus just a bunch of pleasantries of, oh, hey, how you doing? How's your kids? We should get together and you never get together. So I would tell them one quantity does not equal quality when it comes to networking or any big rooms like that. It's not how it should work. Just focus on one person. Two, if you want to break the ice about something, you can always start with something of just how they're doing in their life, what they're excited about, what they're looking forward to. When you ask the just how are you, people talk about the past, they rarely talk about the future. The future is a lot more exciting because then you can go about something. People typically tend to speak ill of what's been going on. They're bad on it, they're more negative on it. They're typically more positive about the future.

Mel Robbins (39:30):

Oh, that's a great tip. So you take a breath and then you ask somebody, so what are you excited about? Or Why are you here? What would you say if you were walking into a networking meeting?

Jefferson Fisher (39:40):

I would say, what are you most excited about today? Something as simple as that.

Mel Robbins (39:44):

Wow. Well, I'm most excited about talking to you, Jefferson.

Jefferson Fisher (39:46):

Yeah, same here.

Mel Robbins (39:48):

Jefferson. One of my favorite videos of yours is where you give advice about answering the question. How are you?

Mel Robbins (41:02):

That's really cool. I'm realizing that I'm a massive oversharer. So when somebody asks me, how are you? I go into a diatribe of information that they don't need.

Jefferson Fisher (41:12):

Well, it's not that they don't need, it's just oversharing can be a hindrance in the long term. It often stems from what I've seen with clients is this need to feel believed. In other words, you feel like they're not buying all what you're saying, so you need to say more so that they know how knowledgeable you are. You know how much know. But the weird thing about that is typically the more you say something, the less it appears you know about it. So the more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it sounds like a lie. And so you have to be careful about oversharing. And what I like to tell my clients is instead of being a waterfall, be a well be the place that they can draw information from rather than feeling like you have to overwhelm them and put them on the life raft.

Mel Robbins (42:06):

Jefferson, you just changed my life.

Jefferson Fisher (42:07):

Oh, good.

Mel Robbins (42:09):

I am an avalanche and a waterfall, and I love this idea that you could be a well and keep it closer to the chest and people can dip in and get the information that you want to give them a bucket full instead of just barfing all the information

Jefferson Fisher (42:29):

Out. That's another way to put it.

Mel Robbins (42:31):

Can you give us advice on how you stand up for yourself?

Jefferson Fisher (42:35):

One is like we talked about, let your breath be the first word that you say because what that does is tell people that you heard them and that you're acknowledging there's a difference between if you just ask me a question, you say, Hey, how are you doing, Jefferson? I go, good, good, real good, real good. I didn't really listen. Versus if you ask me that question again, how are you doing Jefferson? And I said, I'm good. I'm real good. Now it feels like you've stepped into it. Often when it comes to standing your ground, it is just slowing down your words, not feeling like you have to rush anything. Nobody can make you say anything that you don't want to say. If you just find ways to give it a beat and figure it out, you're going to be a whole lot better off. Too often people wait till they're talking to figure out what they want to say,

Mel Robbins (43:24):

Oh my God, that's me.

Jefferson Fisher (43:25):

They take off. It's like going to the airport and just flying and getting on the plane and you go, where are you landing? I have no idea. I just got on the plane. I don't know. You get in the car and they're like, where are you going? But who knows? I'm just going. I say all that to say they finally kind of, they just go in circles on their plane and they're waiting. You got to help people land the runway. Often

Mel Robbins (43:48):

I feel like that is me at work and in life, but I'm one of these people that needs to talk it out, and where I start is never where I land. And I'm realizing as I'm listening to you that there's a lot of pre-work that I could do before I walk into a meeting or before I just start blabbing with my

Jefferson Fisher (44:07):

Family.

Mel Robbins (44:08):

And it would be way more effective and helpful for people if I actually knew where I was going before I opened my mouth.

Mel Robbins (44:22):

So talk to me about that. What does that mean to have a conversational goal and a conversational value? If you go back to the original thing that you teach us, which is you get to choose what kind of person you are based on the things that you say and how you say them.

Jefferson Fisher (44:36):

Conversational goals is simply where you want to end the conversation. You want to make sure you understand what this person meant by this comment. That's your goal. Often we start talking and then we lose track of where we're going because we're listening to respond. We're not listening to understand. Often when you go to trial and you're listening to a witness in their direct examination, where bad attorneys go wrong is they just start planning out their next question regardless of what the witness says versus waiting to hear that whole answer and adapting to it. So conversational goals is just simply where you're headed. It's the destination of where you're going. Conversational values are how you feel authentic to yourself to get there. So I have conversational values that I use in every conversation that I have to make sure that no matter what happens in the conversation, I can't control anything else but myself. It's my values that drive my response. For example, one of my key conversational values is if I can't be a bridge, be a lighthouse. In other words, if we can't meet in the middle, if we can't connect in some way, I'm still going to be a lighthouse for 'em. I'm still going to be a source of light that

(45:47):

If they need to come back, they know where I'm at. I have another one that I use, and that is if there's room for kindness, I will use it. I get that from my mama. I'd come to her with a complaint and she'd say, well, were you kind? I'd say, well, mom, you don't understand this person, this person, this person. She go, well, I still think you should be kind. It's like, you know what? If there's always room for kindness, if there's any room at all, that's a chance to use it. The last one I use is tell them who I am without telling them my name. So that's that idea of letting my words inform them of who I am without anything of my identification or my status or where I am. Is it the value of how I make people feel in my words? So how do you apply those values? I'm having a conversation with opposing attorney. He says something that, how some of them do, they tell you how great their case is.

(46:42):

I mean, every case they have is full of sunshine, no bruises. So you have that chance to say, well, could I just give them a piece of my mind and tell them how bad their case is and how I'm going to railroad over them? Or is there any room for kindness in this conversation? And if there is any room at all, then I'm going to use it. And it gives me the chance to say, you know what, Howard, I got to tell you, you're great at your job and you really care about your clients. I can really tell you care about your clients. And he goes, oh yeah, I do. I really do, and I feel great about that. And all of a sudden he goes, you know what? In that rule 11, you want it. I think we can agree to that. That's no problem. If I can inject my values, I don't have to worry about what to say. I don't have to worry about some zinger I to send. If there's room for kindness, I'll use it. So you find ways to use values to control the conversation.

Mel Robbins (47:28):

Well, you regret not being kind.

Jefferson Fisher (47:31):

That's a great one,

Mel Robbins (47:33):

And I always regret when I'm not.

Jefferson Fisher (47:35):

Yeah,

Mel Robbins (47:36):

And so one of the huge takeaways that I have is that a lot of us don't stop and think about what the intention is of a conversation and how we want to be perceived and what we want to demonstrate about ourselves by being in it. And it's everywhere from how you walk into a meeting. If you think about what you want to get out of it or how you want to be perceived, then that actually dictates how you're going to show up. It's like you can use this in absolutely any area of your life, and I think most of us are just sort of going through the day and surviving, and there's a completely different way to think about the way that you communicate.

Jefferson Fisher (48:24):

I 100% agree in that if you look at where you are in life from your romantic relationships to where you are at work, there is a large percentage of that that is solely based upon what you said to that person. That just meant there are thoughts that came from your brain that to your mouth that you spoke out loud that have influenced where you are. You said something to that person and they liked it, and now they want to date you and they said something you liked and there it is. You met over coffee at the airport or where you are at work or that promotion that you want. You have ways of just simply using the power of your words to influence everything, and it can change even if you said things in the past that you regret or things you wish you would've said better, you can change everything about your life by what you say next.

Mel Robbins (49:18):

Are there a couple steps that somebody could take to just walk themselves through the kind of person that they want to be through their words? Because I feel like there's this step, Jefferson, that we don't really take with intention of getting clear that I want to be this kind of person, and it's one thing to kind of use kind words. It's a whole nother thing to have a reckoning with yourself where you say, this is an area of my life that I want to take control of and I can take control of it. Are there particular questions that somebody could ask themselves that help them get to what their values might be in terms of how they want to change the way they communicate, what they want the world to think about them? I often think when I go into a meeting, what do I want people to say when I leave? And it's a trick that I learned when I was a public defender working for legal aid, which is what do I want the jury to say the that they get out of this courtroom and they get into that meeting with one another. What do I want them to say? And I use that now before I go into a meeting. What do I want them to think about me? And then I align the way that I show up based on the impact that I want to create in that room.

(51:40):

I would encourage somebody to ask a friend, a spouse, the way that I speak, what kind of energy does that give? Does that give anxiety? Do I rush my words? Do I speak too fast? Do I speak too slow? How do you want to tweak the room to understand how you want to communicate with that next person? So I would encourage, in terms of action steps, it's the question that you need to answer of yourself, of who do you want to be with your words, and then what words are you going to use? I think what you have to say is awesome of think long-term of just kind of call your shot. I want to leave that room feeling like I am somebody who's confident,

Mel Robbins (52:19):

Right? I think it's such an important point because you do have so much power over your reputation. You do have power over the impact that you make with other people and taking a beat before you walk in the room or you walk in the meeting or you walk into the party, or you walk up to the sidelines at your kid's soccer game to really remind yourself, what kind of person do I want to be? And now let me align what I say and the energy that I bring to represent that.

Jefferson Fisher (52:49):

That's the crazy part about it. It's also the most simple part about it, and that is it is simply within your control. When you walk away from an interaction from somebody and you go, I really like that person. What was it? What was it that you liked? They said something nice about me. They smiled. They didn't criticize other people. It is all has to do with your communication. Their experience of you is going to be almost entirely the words that you use right in front of them

Mel Robbins (53:20):

And how they made that person feel,

Jefferson Fisher (53:21):

How you made that person feel right then and there.

Mel Robbins (53:25):

Love this. What are your best tips to be more effective at communicating at work?

Jefferson Fisher (53:34):

Tip number one would be have something to learn, not something to prove. So anytime you're in an argument, and it's not just work, really anything, when you're in a conversation with somebody, have something to learn from them rather than something to prove. Even if you want to prove yourself, I want to prove who I am. That doesn't come from you pushing your own agenda. It comes from you being curious about other people.

(54:00):

So if you want to be known as somebody who's respectful in the workplace or somebody who's kind, you use kind words. If you want to known as somebody who's respectful, you use respectful words. So that means if you talk about somebody and gossip and do something negative, that's what people are going to associate you with because it goes even wider than that. Then if other people associate with you that bad person, well then people are going to think differently about them. So it's these circles of communication of what you said, oh, well, you're friends with so-and-so. You're friends with so-and-so that are going to influence that. If you want to be more respected at work, use words that show more authority. You can use words like direction. I'd like to set the direction of this conversation. I don't like the direction of where this is going. All of a sudden, it sounds like you're captain of the ship,

Mel Robbins (54:54):

What's one change somebody can make starting today to communicate more effectively with their family?

Jefferson Fisher (55:02):

When you need to have this hard conversation at all times, show them that you love them, that you care, and you do that with the words, meaning you tell them that I'm telling you this because I love you often. I know people and people that they had really hard childhoods and they just never heard that from a parent that, I'm proud of you, that I love you. So you find ways to inject that into the conversation I'm talking to right now because I want us to learn from this conversation or I'm learning too. When you're having that, you need to deescalate an argument with a spouse or a kid. Hey, I'm learning too. This is my first time to be a parent. This is your first time to be a kid. I'm learning too. Don't be afraid to apologize. Don't be afraid to own that. I think from a position of strength, you can really, really own that apology when you need to.

Mel Robbins (55:50):

I'm stealing that. I often say I'm doing the best I can, but I like I'm learning too. That's a beautiful thing.

Jefferson Fisher (55:58):

It's good for spouses too. I mean, you can be dating forever, but as soon as you get married and live together, it's a whole new world.

Mel Robbins (56:04):

It is. I just recently heard somebody say that second marriages are amazing, particularly if it's with the same person and this idea that any moment you can change a relationship because you can change yourself and how you communicate,

Jefferson Fisher (56:21):

And that's the only thing you can't control. I can't control the other person. You can only control how you respond to it.

Mel Robbins (56:27):

I am going to steal everything that you just taught me, and I'm so excited that you get to listen and be here and learn from Jefferson too. We're going to be leaving here going direction, kindness, and I got to tell you this, what are your parting words

Jefferson Fisher (56:43):

To anybody who's listening? My parting words to you are this. You have a power that you haven't tapped into yet, and that is just the power of your words. If you want to be seen as somebody who's strong, use stronger words. You want to be somebody who has seemed to be more decisive, somebody who stands up for themselves. It is not a course you have to take. It is not a book you have to read. It is simply how you need to change the next word that comes out of your mouth. It is something that can be learned at any point. It doesn't matter how young you are to how old you are, what you say next has the power to change anything, and if you use it for good and you use it for light, you're always going to go right.

Mel Robbins (57:27):

Oh my God, Jefferson.

Jefferson Fisher (57:28):

I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but

Mel Robbins (57:30):

I love it. I love you. That sounds like creepy, but you are a huge light. Thank you.

(57:36):

Thank you. And my parting words to you, I hope you take absolutely everything that Jefferson just shared with us and you use it. You use it to create better relationships, to speak with authority, to have your words reflect the kind of person that you really want to be. And in case no one else tells you this, I wanted to be sure to tell you I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And as Jefferson just taught you, it's all in the power of your words. You get to say. How cool is that? I'll see you in the next episode, and I want to thank you for being here on YouTube and making it all the way to the end of this incredible episode. And if you made it this far, do me a favor, please click here.

(58:27):

I know that you're the kind of person that wants to support people that want to help you, so that's one way that you could do it. Just click subscribe. We good? Awesome. Because it's the one way that I know that you're actually enjoying the content that we're creating for you. And if you loved watching this episode with Jefferson Fisher and how you can communicate better, you're really going to love this next episode. This one is with Vanessa Van Edwards, and you're going to learn all about body language and how you can use it to be more confident. I cannot wait to see you there.