Episode: 211
The Ultimate Advice for Your Next Chapter (After Your Kids Have Left Home)
a Solo Episode
Get the ultimate advice for navigating any major life change.
Mel, now an empty nester, shares her personal wisdom and insights about stepping into a new chapter.
Whether you’re also figuring out your next steps after the kids have left home, or are navigating a move, relationship change, or new job, this advice is exactly what you need to hear.
Listen on:
You need to launch yourself from that nest too.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:00):
I know I'm not the only one dealing with this topic of now transitioning to an empty nest. And can I just start by saying, I freaking hate that term, empty nester. It makes you focused on the nest when you should be focused on your wings. And what I'm seeing a lot of in the inbox@melrobbins.com is that this lack of purpose is a really big part of the challenge that you're facing when your kids leave. And if that nest feels empty, it's your responsibility to fill it up. It's about you. I've taken a few days to process my own experience and how bizarre it is to suddenly come home to an empty house.
(00:00:48):
This is the advice that I'm given to myself right now, and I know it is exactly what you need to hear too. Hey, it's Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so excited to spend this time together with you, not only because I'm alone in this empty house and I want to be together with you, but also because I cannot wait to share what I've been experiencing with you. And if you're brand new, I just want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family and say, I am so glad you're here. I also want to acknowledge you for taking the time to listen to something that could help you be happier and improve your life. And this conversation that you and I are going to have today, I can already feel the ripples of positive change it's going to create in your life and in so many people's lives that you care about because you and I are going to talk about that huge transition that happens when you become an empty nester.
Mel Robbins (00:01:45):
And can I just start by saying, I freaking hate that term, empty nester. I mean, who wants to feel something that begins with the word empty? Let's just unpack that empty stomach. That's not a fun experience. Empty refrigerator. That means that you're starving, empty tank of gas. You're not going anywhere. Empty wallet. Oh, you're broke empty nest. Who came up with this term? This is a terrible term. And can I just get someone to rebrand this enormous transition in life to make it sound better? I've heard the term bird launchers. I love that. I love that term. You're not an empty nester. You've launched a bunch of birds. And I'm going to remind you, just like I keep reminding myself right now, those little birds, yes, they launched, they're flying back. So we don't need to be acting like somebody died, okay? They may not move back in with you.
(00:02:40):
They may not live down the street from you, but I'm going to tell you something. They will come back. They will be in and out of your life. But in the meantime, you and I we're sitting in an empty nest and I've thought about what advice, Mel, what advice do you need to hear? What advice do you need Mel to help you deal with this empty feeling? And I have so much, I cannot wait to share this with you because just like you have to fill up an empty fridge with food and you got to fill up an empty wallet with some cash and you got to fill up an empty tank with some gas, if you're going to go somewhere, you and I have to fill up our lives with things that make us happy. You have to fill up your time with something other than thinking about your kids.
(00:03:24):
It's not just our kids who have launched from the nest. You need to launch yourself from that nest too.
Mel Robbins (00:03:31):
And that brings me to our conversation today. It is time for you and me to launch ourselves into a very full chapter of your life. And what I also love about what we're going to do in this time together today is that this is one of those episodes where I'm not only talking with you, I am talking to myself at the same time because now that our last kid is left for college, I am also back at home living in the empty nest. So the advice that you and I are going to talk about for going through this massive period of change in our lives, this is the same thing that I'm saying to myself. Because the truth is things don't change with time. It's what you do with that time that matters.
(00:04:15):
I'm going to say that again. It's not time that changes things, it's what you do with that time that matters. And the first place I want to start is by putting this massive transition into the proper context. Because when you understand the larger context of what's happening and why you feel the way that you feel, it's not going to scare you that much. You're not going to feel lost because if you're sad or you feel lonely or you suddenly don't know what to do with all this time, I want to tell you something. This is a mentally healthy response to a major life transition. I think you need to hear that again, feeling sad or lonely or you don't know what to do with the time or the silence. You're having a mentally healthy response to a major life transition. And yes, I'm reminding myself of this every single day right now.
(00:05:11):
This is a major moment and milestone in your life. I've been thinking a lot about it in the context of the Olympics because you've been training for this moment for at least 18 years. I mean, depending upon how many kids you have, you've been in this parenting game for a long time and like all Olympians, the second the games are over and the fanfare ends, it's a mentally healthy response to feel a little sad, to feel a little depressed, to feel a little lost. In fact, can you just stop and give yourself a little credit for how you showed up and what a whirlwind these last 18 years. I mean it's been all about the kids all the time. The only other things that you've been able to squeeze in there is work deadlines and maybe things you need to do with your aging parents.
(00:06:01):
That's been your life for 18 months straight from the stress and anxiety and the fights and the frustrations over college applications, which for us here in the Robins household, that lasted all the way into the summer because our son was waiting to hear from a wait list spot that never materialized. And once you do know where you're going to go to college, then what are you focused on? Wrapping up high school, which I call the seasons of last. The last game is a senior, the last party, the last time you're going camping with your friends, the last big sleepover, the last time you're seeing your friends, the last prom, then it's all about the first suddenly when they graduate from high school, now it's the first time we're going to college. And you know what happens when you start focusing on actually going to college?
(00:06:47):
You become maniacally obsessed with surrounding your kids with as much stuff as they can take. And I'm going to tell you something, as much college shopping as we did, I'm drawing the line at the headboard. There was no way I was buying my child a headboard for a college dorm room. Have we lost our minds for we're bringing headboards to a dorm room. You've already spent your life savings at Sam's Club and Walmart and Target. In fact, as we were at Walmart and we have just two cartloads full of stuff and the woman is checking us out, beep, beep, beep, scanning all the items, she looks up and she goes, is someone going to college? That was it. The $500 that I was spending on everything from a pack of socks to Twin XL sheets, you're right, he's going to college. That's why you're exhausted.
(00:07:42):
That's also why you're broke. And then you load all this stuff up into your car and you head off to college and the entire drive. Am I right? They sit silently on their headphones staring at their phone for the entire drive. They don't even talk to you. And then you pull in and you got all these friendly volunteers and they got the signs and they're waving and you roll down the windows and you're extra friendly and your kid says nothing. So on their headphones looking at their phone and then a super cute upper class person comes out and they've got this big tub on wheels and they roll it up to your car and then you throw all that crap that you just bought into it, and then off you go right into the dorm and into the cement cubicle that they are going to call home for the next year.
(00:08:28):
And that's when it hits you. Maybe I should have bought the headboard. I mean this is a little depressing with the cement walls in here and I have to give some props to our daughter Sawyer. She was home and she's 25 and she went with us to help move her brother in. And I got to say the second we walked into that bare cement dorm room, it's like her muscle memory took over. Boom, OCD, four years of the college experience put right to use that bed was lifted up. The plastic drawers that we bought were stacked in the right place. All of a sudden the whole thing was pulled together. It was absolutely amazing. The desk is in the right place, the bed is now lofted. Those plastic drawers were stacked and put in the right thing. And all of a sudden just like that, 90 minutes is over and it's time to leave because if you stay any longer, it would be weird for them and for you.
(00:09:27):
And then it's the last hug. And in case no one told you that last hug, that last hug was the medal ceremony for the 18 years you just put in as a parent. That was it. All that work leading right to that moment. And if you stop and think, how did it end? You're embarrassing me. Okay, I think you guys should leave now. Orientation's about to start. Do you have to take one more photo? And then you get back into the car and you drive home and then you get back home. Have you even stopped to realize that you've been drinking from a fire hose for your kid for the last 18 years? I mean, it's kind of a astonishing when you really stop and think about how much energy you and I put into this, I mean, here's what I want to say to you.
(00:10:20):
First I want to say you did it. I mean, I'm so proud of you and me. I mean we did it. Your kids may not be celebrating you, but I will celebrate you and you need to celebrate yourself. And look, if they were handing out gold medals in parenting, you get one, whether you bought the headboard or not, you deserve a gold medal. You earned it. And while I'm on that, I want you to send this to every single parent because they deserve a gold medal and they need to hear that. And so I'm sitting here, I'm like, come and get it. I will tell them they deserve a gold medal. And by the way, if you're one of the millions of young adults who listen to this show around the world, this is the episode to send to your parents because they are going to need to hear the advice that I am about to share.
(00:11:04):
And what I love most about the advice you need to hear is that it's the same advice that the young adults and the college students and the kids that have gone off to the military that they need to hear. And you never stop and think about the fact in this moment that the transition to college is the exact same emotional experience as the transition that you're going through
Mel Robbins (00:11:29):
Where your kids have left for college. You and your kids are on a parallel emotional track right now. You have so much more in common based on the shared emotional experience and the transition and the things that you need to be doing for yourself that they also need to be doing for themselves. And I personally think it's really cool that I'm going through the same thing as my kid right now. It really helps me to think about it that way.
(00:11:59):
And so I said that we were going to start by zooming out and looking at the largest possible context of what is actually going on during this major transition in life because we can call it transitioning to college. We can call it learning to fill up an empty nest, but what you're really just going through is a major life change. That's it. That's all we're doing here. We're going through a major life change and this is going to happen over and over and over in your life. It happens if you break up or get divorced. It happens if you move to a different city. It happens if you lose someone that you love. And it can even happen if you start to realize, I'm just not willing to accept a life where I'm not as happy as I deserve to be. And as you start to make changes, you're going through this major life transition.
(00:12:52):
And so let's just talk about what happens when you go through any life transition and the reason why this kind of change is so hard. Well, the first reason why it's hard is because you have to go through it. There's no avoiding the hard part of this. That's what makes it hard. You don't have a choice but to go through it. And so let's zoom out and talk about what is actually happening when you are experiencing a major change. Because when we talk about change and we use language to describe it, we always talk about the change we're feeling emotionally. That's why we're like, we're sad, we're lost. I feel like lonely, dah, dah, dah, dah. We use all these words that describe the feeling of it, but a major life transition is so much bigger and cooler than what you're feeling when your life goes from one chapter to another.
(00:13:50):
It's change that's happening at a physiological, a neurological, a biological, a psychological on all kinds of OGs levels, and we're only talking about how we feel, but I want you to understand what's happening at a deeper level because then you're going to be able to move through it in a more empowering way. What you're actually doing is you are unlearning the way you used to do life. You're unlearning the patterns from the old chapter and you're just in the process of learning a whole new way to do things. That's what's happening. And whenever I think about a major life change, there's this visual that always comes to mind that helps me. So imagine that you wake up tomorrow morning and all of a sudden there's just this huge surprise snowstorm and everything around you is covered in two feet of beautiful, pristine, brand new snow.
(00:14:53):
Now imagine that you have to plow a path through that snow and that path that is getting plowed through that snow. That's the process that your body is going through right now and your brain and your nervous system as your body, brain and nervous system is trying to learn new patterns. This is why it feels unnerving. You're learning new brain pathways. Your senses are pushing through an entirely new experience, whether that's the experience of all the new sight smells, sounds in college or it's the sudden experience of feeling empty at home. And I think part of the reason why change is hard is we only use words that describe the emotion. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm empty, I'm lost. What if I told you those are just words that describe this unbelievably cool thing that you're able to do, which is plowing new path forward in your life, learning new patterns, learning how to change and grow.
(00:16:08):
And if you think about this transition as simply the normal human process of unlearning the way that you used to do things and learning and plowing forward through a new way of moving through your life, what you're doing is you're mastering this super important skill of resilience, of growth, of truly being able to transition through any change and know that you're going to be okay. Change is only overwhelming if you don't understand the larger context of what is happening and why it takes time. It is so easy to get overwhelmed by your own emotions if you don't see the bigger picture that it takes time to go from the snow falling to plowing this new path and it's going to feel like you're pushing through something. This is normal. And so I wanted to start by validating both for you and for me. I'm reminding myself of this every day that there is a simple truth about life.
(00:17:13):
All change is hard because it doesn't just feel like boom, you're a snowplow. It feels more like, oh my gosh, this just happened and now I'm knee deep in snow and I only have a spoon. That's what it feels like, but you're going to keep reminding yourself that it's supposed to feel like this and eventually with a little bit of time and continuing to push yourself forward, you are going to be plowing a new path because any change in your life is just requiring your body to learn new patterns in life.
Mel Robbins (00:17:49):
That's it. I'll give you an example of what your kid is dealing with right now and what you're probably dealing with right now. Let's just talk about the five senses. One of the reasons why it is so overwhelming for kids to transition to college or transition into the military or transition into a full-time job right out of high school if they moved out and they're not living with you is because it's sensory overload.
(00:18:12):
Every smell, every sound, the food tastes different, the texture of the rug, they walk on the fact that they're now in a room sleeping with a human being that they don't really know and maybe that person doesn't even sleep through the night, so they're walking in and out of the room. This is sensory overload. That's why it feels like you're in the middle of a snowstorm with a spoon. You're just figuring out how to absorb all this, and that's why this visual helps me personally like, oh, this makes sense. I'm just plowing new pathways. I'm learning new behavior. I'm allowing my mind and body to absorb something new. And for me the sense that is just kind of an overdrive right now that's unnerving is sound, or should I say the lack thereof? It is eerie how quiet it's in this house. I mean, I used to think our dogs were annoying because they bark too much Now I cannot wait for them to bark because it's a sign of life and it feels unnerving because it is unnerving.
(00:19:14):
Let me just think about that word unn. Your nervous system knew what it felt like to live in a house when your kids were there. If you are unlearning patterns, you're unnerving it right? Kind of cool if you think about it that way. So it's appropriate that you're not used to it and that's all that unnerving means. You're not used to it yet, and I'm going to warn you in me, we got to be very careful about the words that we're using right now because it sounds very different to say to yourself, this quiet is so unning versus I'm learning how to be with the quiet during this transition. Do you feel the difference? One set of words actually jacks up and amplifies the feeling like something's wrong. The other validates that you're going through a mentally healthy body response to learning how to be with something new.
(00:20:23):
That's all that this is a new pattern and that's why I'm sharing this larger context with you. And I also want to remind you of something you've been doing this change thing your whole life. You are built to learn new patterns. You have done this before, which is why you need to just keep reminding yourself. Just like I had to remind myself these last couple days, I know how to do this. I know this is going to take time. Just because it feels bad doesn't mean it is bad. I will get used to this because what happened for me is right after we dropped off our son, we move him into his room, we hop back in the car, we drive back home, we had a big dinner out and then we went to bed and I then had a super busy week at work to distract myself. Then over the weekend, Chris and I went away for the night to celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary. Then we drive home on Sunday, and I walked into the house on Sunday after dropping him off and a whirlwind week at work and distracting myself. And I'll tell you what, we cracked open that door. It was scary, quiet, talk about unnerving. And I looked at Chris and I thought, this is what everyone's talking about.
(00:21:44):
I felt the emptiness in my bones and then the emotions started to swirl. And as my emotions are swirling and that an emptiness is taking hold and I'm letting myself just become gripped in the emptiness, I literally turned to him like a lunatic. And I'm like, I don't care what it takes. I'm not going to live alone on this mountain. If our kids moved to New York City or Los Angeles, I'm moving care them. And God bless Chris. He smiled and he looked at me and he kind of cocked his head a little compassion. He's like, it's okay, Mel. We can move wherever you want to move.
(00:22:28):
And this is why you got to be careful with your words. If I had felt that sense of emptiness and I simply just reminded myself, this is exactly what I should be feeling because I'm just learning a new pattern in my life, and just because it feels uncomfortable doesn't mean it's bad. Mel, you're stepping into a new chapter. You're stepping into the snow with your spoon, but every single day you are going to make a headway because you were built to do this. Your body knows how to do this. That's why it's busy learning new patterns. And just because you're not used to it yet doesn't mean it's going to be bad. And just because your kid isn't used to being at college yet doesn't mean it's going to be bad. In fact, I don't think it's going to be bad at all. If you allow yourself to really lean in, it's going to be amazing.
(00:23:19):
And can I level with you about something and this emptiness and silence thing, the truth is when your kids were home when they were a senior in high school, did you see them? I mean, when Oakley was a senior in high school, he would leave first thing in the morning and grunt at me as he was leaving out the door. He would come back after practice, he would cook himself something fast to eat, and then he would be up in his room either playing video games or doing his homework mean. When I made dinner, he is like, I'm not hungry. I already ate. So was he really around? Not really. He was living his own life. That's what he was doing and that's what he was supposed to be doing. But standing there, easy to forget the context. And I had a moment, and I'm sure it's not the last moment I'm going to have where I just looked at Chris and I'm like, oh my God, it's just you and me.
(00:24:08):
And I also want to share something about that moment because this is also important. When I had that like, oh my gosh moment, what do you think my first impulse was in that moment of discomfort, in that moment of experiencing the silence or the emptiness, what do you think my first impulse was? It was to reach out to Oakley. It was to reach out and text and be like, Hey, how was your day? How are your classes? Have you met anybody? This is also normal, but this is an old pattern. This is a pattern that is programmed into your body and brain for 18 years minimum because for 18 years minimum, you have seen this kid, you have talked to this kid, you have been near them, you have reached out to them, you have filled your boredom by connecting with them, you have had fun by being with them.
(00:24:57):
You are so used to doing this that I want to normalize this urge that you have that in any moment of sadness or boredom or uncomfortableness, you're going to want to reach out to them. And while this is normal, I want to highlight that this is an old pattern that in the first month of them being gone, you and I have got to catch this and we have to break ourselves of this pattern. Can you reach out to your kids? Of course, and you should, but in the first 30 days, I want you to try a little experiment. This is something I'm doing with myself. It's hard to do, but holy cows is helping every single time you have an urge to fill time by texting your kid, try to wait 30 minutes just in the beginning because you have to watch out for how often you are going to try to fix your boredom by reaching out to them happened to me.
(00:25:49):
Here I am. I'm sitting down with Chris on that Sunday night. We're sitting at the island in the kitchen and I'm realizing this feels weird. I'm not used to it just being the two of us, but I'm not going to reach out to Oakley for 30 minutes. I literally have to sit on my hands and come up with things to talk to Chris about because I'm like, I can't reach out to him. I'm reaching for something right now because I'm uncomfortable. And if they're not texting you good, that means they're off doing what they need to be doing. They're off with their spoon in the snow, plowing a new path forward for crying out loud. Don't interrupt them. You need to learn for yourself how to tolerate this new normal. Your kid is not the solution to your emotional discomfort. Now, say that again. Your adult child is not the solution to your emotional discomfort, and I want to prove you why this advice is so important and why it's critical for you to try this in the first 30 days.
(00:26:49):
Remember how I said earlier on that one of the coolest things about this big life transition is that you and your child are going through the exact same parallel emotional path and the exact same process of transitioning into a new chapter of your life? It's cool, right? So let me ask you a question. Every time your child gets nervous or feels a little sad or feels a little lonely, which is going to happen a lot the first month, do you want them to call you? I'm dead serious about this. If every time they don't know what to do with the two hours they have of free time after their classes, do you want them to be calling you? Of course not. What do you want them to do? You want them to spread their wings and boldly fly out the door of their dorm room and lean into their new life.
(00:27:43):
That's what you want for them. Of course it is. How do you teach them to do that? By modeling them. That's how you do it. And by the way, if they called you every single day crying and saying that they were sad and they were lonely and they keep make friends, what would you tell 'em? At some point you would tell them that yes, this is hard, but at some point you need to hang up the phone. You need to get out of the dorm room. You need to go walk around the green. You need to get to the cafeteria and go sit with somebody that is sitting alone, and you need to start to put yourself out there and you need to hear the same thing. Why is change hard? Because you have to go through it. Nobody can do it for you. And so the next time that you or I have one of those waves and we are going to have those waves, I want you to remember this is just the process of change in my body.
(00:28:35):
All my five senses are unlearning the way that I used to do things. They're unlearning my old coping mechanisms. This is why it's unnerving, because I am unnerving these patterns just like my child has to. We are all knee deep in the snow together with the spoon, but little by little as these waves come and go, which is normal, you are making that path in a new direction. And so a couple more points that are just broad strokes that really help me when I'm going through a moment where change is hard. Number one, it's just going to take time. You got to give it a month or two. In fact, I think that's why most parents' weekends are always scheduled. About a month after your kid gets there, it's scheduled for both you and them to have a forced separation. Why? Because you need time to settle into a new routine.
(00:29:35):
It just is the process of your body learning a whole new pattern. I remember once I was talking to a head of one of these summer sleepaway camps and he said something really interesting to me. He said that most sleepaway camps last for at least three and a half weeks because it takes most kids at least three weeks to settle into the new routine, to move through the very normal experience of being homesick and being homesick can be a good thing. It means you miss something that you love and that's a great thing and you're both going to feel it. But here's the thing you don't think about is it oftentimes it's harder for you to move through this transition because you are still living in the same physical environment of the old chapter, whereas your kids are now surrounded by all these kids their age and having this unbelievable new opportunity of learning literally an entire academic community exists just to support them.
(00:30:37):
How cool is that? I mean, if you and I could trade places with our kids and go to an adult university and be like camp, wouldn't that be a blast to be with a bunch of people in their thirties, forties, fifties and sixties? That's why you need the same advice that you're going to give them, which is college is what you make of it. And so is this next chapter of your life.
Mel Robbins (00:30:57):
And if that nest feels empty, it's your responsibility to fill it up. It's what you make of it. It's about you. Change doesn't happen over time. It's what you do with that time that matters. And so if that calendar of yours feels empty, you got to fill it up. This is an opportunity for you to take responsibility and make this next chapter of your life better. The fact that your kids are in college becoming their best self, just opened up all this time and energy for you to focus back on yourself.
(00:31:28):
And you not only need to fill your life up because it's going to make you happier and it's going to help you feel more confident, you need to do it because this chapter is going to become one of the best chapters of your life. And you also need to do it because if you don't, this change is going to be even harder for you. So you know how there's that exercise class they haven't been able to get to because you've been so busy getting your kid ready to go to college now you got the time. Those friends that you haven't seen that you've been wanting to see, you got the time, the class you've always wanted to take the skills or hobbies that you've wanted to pursue, you got the time you want to get better at cooking, fantastic. Do it. What projects do you want to take on around the house?
(00:32:11):
You got the time. I mean, it's probably a little too soon to convert their bedroom into your home office or your craft in because they're coming home in a couple months. But there are things around the house you have not had time to take care of. And here's a good rule of thumb other than it's going to take a couple months and it's your responsibility to fill up your life. A good rule of thumb that I live by is you got to leave your house once a day. For me personally, one of the things that I'm excited about, I'm excited about reconnecting with friends and having way more fun in my social life because it's going to make me happy. And second, it's filling up the calendar so I have something to look forward to and you need to do the same thing. I'm feeling really excited right now because I have friends coming almost every weekend for the next four weeks.
(00:32:56):
Why? Because I reached out and asked them to come. I've made plans to see somebody in Nashville in November. I've already made plans for March. This is a whole different world. I mean, I'm no longer tethered to a high school calendar and a sports schedule and travel teams on the weekends. And this is I guess why I hate the term empty nest. It makes you focused on the nest when you should be focused on your wings. So how about you spread your own wings and you fly on down to that CrossFit gym that you keep hearing your friends talk about or flap those wings and get your rear end to the library where there's book clubs or a language club you can join. And by the way, if you've been the one cooking dinner for everybody, guess what? You can make whatever you want. You've always wanted to try being vegetarian.
(00:33:37):
There's nobody there to complain. Now's the time if you'd like to eat earlier, you can eat earlier. Everything is there for you to explore if you get out of that nest and take flight. And so I hope you're starting to recognize you're not trapped where you are. You have wings, and now is the time to spread them because the only way that you're going to make this the most exciting chapter of your life is by taking flight. And nobody can do that for you. And the truth is everything that I've talked about so far, that's enough for you to take responsibility for this chapter of your life, for you to understand the nature of change that's happening right now and for you to do a few small things to turn this into an incredible opportunity to create a whole new chapter, to build resilience, to grow and to be happy and to support your child as they do the same thing.
Mel Robbins (00:34:33):
But as I was really reflecting on my experience and as I was digging into the questions that I was getting over and over and over again in the inbox@melrobbins.com, I realized there are three challenges that can also come up particularly during this type of transition that can make things more difficult than it already is to move through this kind of change. And so I want to tell you what those three challenges are, and then I'm going to go through them one by one and give you specific advice if you happen to be dealing with this.
Mel Robbins (00:35:07):
And the first additional challenge is that if your kids leave for college and you realize, oh my gosh, my kids were my entire life. I have no sense of purpose without them here. The second challenge is that they leave and now you have to face relationship issues, whether it's issues in a marriage or issues in your relationship to being single.
(00:35:33):
And the third challenge is what happens when you're moving this hard transition and your child is really struggling? Now, these are all extremely common challenges. If you're facing any of them, you're not alone and you have everything that you need within you to not only meet this challenge, but to rise to it. But the first thing that I want you to do is to recognize that this is in fact an additional issue that you're dealing with right now and that it compounds the nature of how you move through this transition. And it also requires you to do something. You have to take full responsibility for how you're going to show up and move through this and face it head on. Because just like nobody can spread your wings and fly for you, nobody can face these challenges for you either. So don't be surprised that if the kids have left and the issues that you've been avoiding or ignoring are now kind of adding to this sense of emptiness or fear that you have.
(00:36:43):
This is very common because the emptiness may not just be the house. It can be this sense that along the way you lost a little bit of yourself. I mean, it is so easy to get caught up in the role of being a parent and caring for everyone else that you forget that you're also a person who has very real needs. And this new chapter of your life is an opportunity for you to truly understand what your needs are, to learn how to put yourself first while still being supported of the people you love and do the work to create one of the most exciting and fulfilling chapters of your life yet. So let's talk about these three challenges and the opportunity that they create for you to become more of who you're meant to be. And that very first challenge is when you realize in this emptiness that your entire sense of purpose was your children.
(00:37:43):
And I got to just reaffirm something I already told you, you earned a gold medal, you parented the heck out of those kids. And I love it when I see people who are bragging about their kids or they went to this college. I'm like, good job mom, good job, dad, good job, grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, everybody. And I'm saying it to you too. And now I want to say something else to you and to me. You are not put on this earth to be a wife or a husband or a mother or a father. Those are roles that you play. They are just one of the amazing things that you do in life, and you did that role so well, and you're going to continue to do an incredible job because remember what I said, that you're on a parallel path with your kids. One of the things that your son and daughter is going to learn, whether it's in the college experience or going right into the workforce or going into the military, is they're going to learn that they are more than a son or a daughter.
(00:38:48):
So if you feel like you've been lost in your identity of being a parent, this is such a common experience and it's easy to do. I mean, think about the logistics and the carpooling and the team sports and the college shirts and the friends and the packing and the this and the that and the forms and the financial aid and being there and attending all the games and supporting everyone. And I have some news for you, you're not done with that. Just because they left the nest doesn't mean they're not coming back. And as they get older, what I have found is that the problems just get bigger and more expensive. However, what I'm seeing with friends of mine and what I'm seeing a lot of in the inbox@melrobbins.com is that this lack of purpose is a really big part of the challenge that you're facing when your kids leave.
(00:39:41):
And that's making this transition even harder. And maybe you're having a moment of honesty with yourself. Maybe you're thinking, this is something I've avoided dealing with for a long time and I knew this day is coming and now it's here. So let's talk about how you find purpose in this moment because everything that we already discussed about change being hard and the process of your body learning new patterns that still applies, that experience of learning how to be with that quiet or that deafening silence, there's no avoiding that. That's just you having to adjust to new patterns and you got to give it a month or two. But when you lack purpose, there's a second thing that's sort of looming in the background that you feel it's this sense of paralysis that you don't know what to do. It's a lack of direction because you either are not sure how to move forward or maybe you loved your old life so much, you don't really want to have to, you're kind of sad that this part of your life is over.
(00:41:01):
Getting your kids into college was your north star. And I'm pointing to this and validating it because there are two things you have to do at the same time. If purpose is missing first, you're going to have to go through the process of managing change. You're going to have to give yourself the grace and the time and use language to affirm that you're just going through the process of learning new patterns. This feeling is going to be temporary. You are built to do this, and it is absolutely going to get better and better. But you also have to do a second thing at the same time, which is address the problem of having a lack of purpose head on. And even though I said problem, it's not a problem. This is a huge opportunity and I want to address this in two camps. First, I want to talk to you if you already have a sense of what your purpose might be.
(00:41:55):
Maybe you've been putting off a career as a realtor or waiting to write that book or to go back to school or to pursue your art, or there was something that you were kind of waiting on until they left and I got to say something. Whatever it is, you spread those wings and you start flapping baby and you start flying toward it. That is your job to leave the nest every day and fly a little bit forward toward that thing. And don't you ever, ever, ever say, you're too old. Don't you dare let your friends Mel Robbins catch you saying that. I want to remind you, I started this podcast when I was 54 years old and I had two kids that had left the nest. And so if I can do it, you can start something new too. So flap those wings because really stepping into that purpose, grabbing that spoon, spreading those wings and starting to shovel that snow in a new direction, it's going to improve your life.
(00:42:48):
It will fill things up. So if you know, go however I'm seeing, there are a lot of you who do not know what to fill that empty space up with and not knowing just leaves you more paralyzed. So I've got a couple specific things that I want you to do. If you have no clue what direction to head in, you're standing at the edge of the nest, you got your wings out, you're like, what direction do I fly? Get me out of here. I got to do something. Here's number one, ask your kids the next time they call home, say, Hey buddy, I got a question for you. If you got to choose what I were to focus the next five years of my life, dedicate my life to, what would you recommend I do? You know me better than anyone else. And by the way, if you're listening to me right now and you have a parent who hasn't figured this out, whether they just dropped you off at college or they just got a divorce, will you send them this episode, please?
(00:43:49):
I know they send you episodes of this podcast all the time. This is one of those that you can return the favor and say, see, here you go, mom or dad, you need to listen to this. And you can also tell them, I think you really should go back to school, mom. I think you really should do your art, mom, dad, I think you really should hike the Appalachian Trail. Whatever it is that's in your heart, tell them, give them permission. Second, there's a full proof way that you can figure out a sense of direction If you have no idea what your purpose purposes, simply focus on improving yourself. If at any moment in your life you don't know what direction to head in, turn inward, your purpose is you, all those things you've never had time for taking care of yourself, walking every day, getting in better shape, being kinder to yourself, locking in a great morning routine, listening to podcasts, reading a book a month, getting the kitten you've always wanted.
(00:44:48):
If you wanted a cat, I don't know what you want. I'm just making things up here. Absolutely anything, absolutely anything that helps you be a better you. That is the most important purpose you could ever have in life because over and over and over again, what I've discovered is that when I make bettering myself my purpose, I always bump into something bigger than me. And that brings me to the third thing that you can do if you feel a sense of lack of purpose. Go volunteer. Go volunteer. If you can't be of service to yourself, be of service to someone else. My husband is a death doula and he volunteers for hospice. And I'll tell you something, sitting with someone at the end of their life will certainly wake you up and make you see you have not died. And it is time to stop acting like you have.
Mel Robbins (00:45:38):
Helping someone else will give you a sense of purpose immediately. And it will also help you have a much bigger perspective about what you have in your life, not what you've lost, what you have gained, what is available to you in your life outside of just that role of being a parent. That brings me to the second challenge that's super common in this major life transition. And that is that when the kids leave, the relationship issues that you've ignored are suddenly right in your face. And so I'm going to address both relationship issues when you're single and relationship issues in your marriage that bubble up once the kids leave. First, let's cover what happens when the empty nest reveals rotten eggs. And I'm not talking about your spouse's farts, I'm talking about your relationship. Something stinks about it. And the problem is you and your spouse have kicked this downfield.
(00:46:36):
These are the conversations you've been avoiding, the issues that you knew you needed to deal with have been swept under the rug and now you're tripping over 'em. You stuck it out. But now that everybody's gone, there's no running from 'em. What you've avoided is staring at you in the face, and they're usually wearing a really ugly pair of sweatpants when they're doing it. You know what I'm talking about? Because the things that you ignore always become the battles you have to fight later and the day has come. But I'm here to tell you you're going to win. It is so common to have this, oh my god moment when the kids leave because you haven't been in a marriage, you've been in a throuple or a quadruple or a quintuplet because you and your spouse have always had these kids running around and in between and all over the place and distracting you.
(00:47:22):
And now that it's just the two of you, you get to decide whether or not you're going to any challenges like amazing opportunity or a deal breaker. So the question is, what do you do if your relationship feels like roommates or you realize there are some big issues here, we've avoided all along, or maybe you're realizing I don't even like this person. I'm not sure I want to be married anymore. These are all really good questions. And in order to get to the right answer for you, I want to start with a simple truth. People only change when they feel like changing. So the single best thing that you can do right now is realize you are not going to change your spouse, period. Only your spouse can do that for themselves. The only thing that you can control is what you decide to change about yourself, how you show up what you want to work on.
(00:48:16):
Because a healthy relationship requires two things to be present. It requires two people who want it to work, and two people who are both willing to put in the work to make it work. And there is no doubt in my mind that if you and your partner want to work on it and you're both willing to do the work, you can make your relationship amazing. That's what my husband and I are doing. I'm not leaving this to chance. I called in the heavies, we went to see a couple's therapist, and it's really help because even though our relationship was good, we lost part of our connection because of the demands of parenting. And I think it happens to everyone. And I heard this thing recently that was so amazing. I heard somebody say, I'm on my second marriage. It's just with the same person. Isn't that kind of cool to think that you could create a second marriage with the same person?
(00:49:12):
I fricking love that. And here's the thing though, if they're not willing to put in the work, then you got to get honest with yourself because you should assume they're never going to change. But I didn't say you couldn't change. See, when you invest in yourself, you can become a happier. You. Do not focus on your spouse being happier. They're not the source of your happiness, especially if they're not willing to do the work to get better. The fastest way to make your relationship happier is to make yourself happier within your own life. And when you do that, life has a funny way of sorting out the relationship because now that you're happy, your relationship does not have to be the sole source of your happiness. And another thing happens when you're happier. You raise your standards for what you accept and allow in your life.
(00:50:04):
So now let's talk about being single and how that deafening silence that happens during this transition will become magnified if you're already feeling lonely. And you have to take this very seriously because you cannot expect friendship to just fall out of the sky. You cannot expect a relationship to just land in your lap. You have to take responsibility for it. You have to take responsibility for creating your social life and your love life and isolating yourself right now. It is only going to magnify the loneliness you feel. And if you think change is hard now, it's going to be way harder in two months when you're sitting in your house alone and your son or daughter is no longer calling or texting you because they leaned into their life when you didn't. And as your friend, I'm not going to water down what I need to say to you.
(00:50:54):
Everyone is struggling with adult friendship. You got to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and you got to get to work, and you have to take this seriously because friendship matters and you deserve amazing friends. In fact, I have done a ton of episodes on adult friendships because I've struggled with this topic recently in my own life. And the episodes, they're all going to be linked in the resources. And as soon as you are done listening to this episode, you better giddy up down to those resources and clicky. Click on those links and queue up all those episodes and listen to them and then make a plan. Follow the advice to a T because while your child is off making new friends and going to parties and watching games and learning and having all these new experiences, so shall you. But only if you force yourself to, which brings me to that rule I shared earlier, get out of your house once a day.
(00:51:47):
Do not allow yourself to learn a pattern of becoming a hermit. And I'm also going to tell you that my next book comes out. It's called the Let Them Theory on January one, and you better have that puppy in your hands because there's an entire section about using the Let Them Theory to create the best friendships of your life. I wrote it for you. The bottom line is the best chapter of your life is beginning right now. Yes, the first 30 days are going to be a little rocky. You're going to get through it, but the most amazing people in your life, they're ahead of you. They're not behind you. You haven't met them yet, and you're going to meet them after your kids leave. And isn't that exciting to think about? And you want to know what's even more exciting, the best years of your love life happen after your kids leave.
Mel Robbins (00:52:35):
And that brings me to the third challenge that can make this transition in life harder. What do you do when your kids are really struggling with this? You're doing the work. You're filling up your calendar. You're flying out of the nest and down to your new exercise class. You're prioritizing yourself. You're making new friends. That little spoon has become a shovel. You are plowing forward in a healthy way. You wake up one day, you're like, holy cow, I'm actually enjoying this.
(00:53:09):
But your child is not. They're calling home all the time. They're homesick. They want to transfer. And by the way, this doesn't just happen to freshmen. Every major change that your child goes through, they're going to struggle with it. In our household, for example, sophomore year was the disastrous year for one of our kids, for another one of our kids. It was junior year of college that blew, and don't even get me started, about how difficult the transition is once they graduate and they have to enter the real world. But the question is, how do you handle an adult child who is using you as a human life raft to keep them afloat while the waters of their life feel rocky? When a kid struggles with this transition, it sounds exactly the same. I hate it here. Everybody has friends. I haven't found my people.
(00:53:59):
Nobody likes me. Everybody's already clicked up and grouped up. This isn't my place. I'm not having fun. I miss you all the time. I hate being alone in my room. I really want to transfer. This is not the place for me. I guarantee you, if these words are coming out of their mouth, if the tears are falling down their cheeks, I want to tell you what they're doing When they're not crying with you on the phone, they're spending a lot of time in their dorm room alone and a lot of time on their phone looking at what their high school friends are doing. And if you're the kind of person who gets sucked into this, you're in deep trouble. And so are they. Because it's one thing to support someone as they're finding their wings and learning to fly. It's another thing to leap out of your nest and try to grab 'em in midair and lift them up with your own wings.
(00:54:45):
Some little birds need to hit the ground in order to take flight. It's that struggle and going through it. That's what they need. It's learning how to face a challenging situation and become stronger than the things that you fear in your head. Remember I said that the hardest thing about change is that you have to go through it, and it is a difficult experience in life to watch someone struggle through the process of change. You can't do it for 'em, but maybe your child needs to cry it out for a week or a month and be alone in their dorm room until they realize they're sick of being sad, and they finally hit the bottom of that curve and they head out and up and into the quad they can do this renowned Harvard psychiatrist, Dr. Waldinger said to me, do not shield the people you love from the consequences of what they choose.
(00:55:54):
They chose to go to college. You didn't force 'em there. You didn't drag them there and shackle them to their dorm bed they wanted to go. The problem is you care so much that you then try to solve their problems. And here's the big picture reason why this is a problem. Every time you do that, you're training them to expect you to rescue them. And I'm going to give you a really subtle example of how this is playing out in own life, right? Now and how I'm trying to remind myself that rescuing is not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to support them in their own problem solving. So when Oak was about to head off to school, there were all these immunization forms that we needed to find. It was this whole song and dance. And we finally got the email from his doc and we emailed them to him, and I guess it's like a big deal because he needs to get them submitted for his meal plan.
(00:56:48):
I don't know, going on. He calls Chris, he calls me, he calls Chris, he calls me, and I finally get on the phone with him and he's like, I don't know what to do with these immunization forms. The old me, you know what I would've done? I'll tell you what, I would've spread those wings. I would've flapped right to the phone. I would've been busy trying to do it. I would've handled it. I would've spent hours tracking down the right person. Then I would've tried to log onto some portal that I didn't have access to in order to be in there. But you know what I did? Instead? I stayed in the nest and I said, well, what do you think you should do?
(00:57:23):
That's a question you should ask your kid all the time. The next time they call you crying, the next time they call to complain or unload, listen for a little bit. And they'll be like, what do you think you should do? Oh, all your friends for high school are having way more fun than you are. What do you think you should do? Oh, you think you're at the wrong school? What do you think you should do? Oh, you don't have any friends? What do you think you should do? They know what they should do, they just don't want to do it. So I asked Oakley, what do you think you should do? I dunno. And I said, well, who sent you the immunization forms? My doctor? Great. Are there doctors on campus say at the student health center? Yes. Do you think maybe you could walk there and show them the email of the immunization forms and ask for help? Yeah. I said, that's a great idea and if you run into any problems, let us know. I didn't solve it. I supported him in solving it for himself. Big difference because imagine if I had said, no problem oak. I got it. And then I spent all these hours figuring it out for him. Guess what happens the next time he has something that he's not quite sure what he should do? Let's say he decides he doesn't want to be a business major.
(00:58:42):
Instead of asking himself, what should I do instead of him answering it for himself, maybe I should go into the dean of students. Maybe I should walk into the registrar's office. If I keep solving his problems, he's going to call me. That's going to be the answer to everything. And one of the things to keep in mind is that you're training your child to think for themselves. You're training them to do the hard things and to face their fears so that they can learn. They can rely on themselves instead of constantly checking in with you. Your kids are way smarter than you are giving them credit for, and you know how they figure it out. They figure it out faster when you're not constantly on speed dial. And the great thing about college is that there's so many resources available to them. People's job is to help them solve problems.
(00:59:34):
I mean, maybe that's why it costs so much. There's so much help there. And unless you're the registrar at your kid's university, you don't know the answer. So untrain them and untrain yourself from this pattern of treating you like a human Google. But let's just say that your kid is really struggling. That was me when I was in my first semester of college, I had a full-blown homesickness, panic attack, mental health breakdown, and this was way before people had a word for what I was feeling. We didn't call those kinds of feelings. Anxiety, I'm sure people were just like, well, she's weird. Glad she's not my roommate. What a freak. And the best advice that I have heard on the topic of anxiety comes from another Harvard professor, Dr. Luana Marquez. The more you allow someone to avoid the things that they're anxious to do, the bigger their anxiety gets.
(01:00:36):
And this is really important because one of the big things with anxiety and depression is rumination, which is constantly thinking about or talking about your problems. And the reason why it is a bad, scary habit to get into where you are ruminating on something is that the more someone talks about their problems and how they feel and the sadness and the this and the that, the more entrenched they become in it. And if you personally struggle with anxiety and now your kid is showing signs of it, this boundary is going to be very difficult for you to do because it's going to feel like you're abandoning your kid and you're throwing them to the wolves and they're drowning out there and you need to rescue them. No, this is a moment where you are reminding your child that they have wings and it's time to use them and to trust them even though they're scared to and until they let go and turn toward the thing they're scared to go do.
(01:01:40):
Whether it's go meet people, go talk to your ra, go walk down to the student health center and talk to a therapist. Go explore areas of your campus for crying out loud. Get off your phone. And your life is not where your high school friends are at their schools. It's where you are. Every time you tell them to do that, you are encouraging them to fly that they are ready even though they don't feel ready, even though they don't want to. This was certainly true for me. My mom entertained my daily collect phone calls from the payphone and the dorm hallway for exactly two weeks. And then finally one day, I'll tell you what, she threw a bird fit. You want to talk about an empty nest theme, bird fit? She was so frustrated with me and she was like, stop calling me and go make some friends. You're not in freaking jail if you keep calling me. I'm going to tell you what's going to happen when you come home for Thanksgiving, you're staying home, you're going to community college. So get off this phone and get your butt out of that dorm and go make some friends click.
(01:02:54):
She kicked me out of that nest with that phone call. It was the tough love that I needed. But I'll tell you what, by that afternoon, I was a completely different person because I no longer had her as an outlet to avoid what I knew I needed to be doing, which was putting myself out there and making myself feel the discomfort and introducing myself to people and just moving through the normal experience of change, which is hard for all of us. Why? Because you have to go through it. And every single time you entertain that call, you're making them feel like their emotions and their fear are correct. You're making them believe they can't handle it, that this isn't the right school, that their people aren't here. And so validate how they're feeling for sure, but as they're done crying it out, you have to say, what do you think you could do right now?
(01:03:58):
What's one thing that would make you feel better? And every time you do that, you know what you're showing them. You're showing them that you believe in them, you believe in their ability to face this and that they've got their wings. They just need to start flapping them and they'll learn how to fly. And you want to know something really cool is that yesterday as I was sitting down and I was trying to kind of just process the experience and figure out what I wanted to say to you, I got a text from a friend of mine. Her name is Kathy aic, and you want to know how I met her? Her daughter and my daughter lived together at USC. They were roommates. We bonded over the experience and now we're empty nesters. We launched our little birds out to Los Angeles and we've remained really good friends and stayed in touch even though our daughters have since graduated.
(01:04:50):
And she was writing to me like so many of you do, just yesterday asking me to cover the topic of dealing with an empty nest. And I was like, Kathy, I love it when the universe does this. This is a sign. I cannot believe you're texting me. I'm working on an episode about that exact topic that I am going to record in less than 24 hours. And then I said to her, why don't you just put a few thoughts about what you're thinking about what you're struggling with into a text with me, because I would love to hear about your experience and that's going to help me make this episode even better. And I'll tell you what, my friend Kathy, she not only shared her thoughts with me, but she wrote me such a beautiful text that it reads like a poem and I want to share it with you.
(01:05:43):
If you've ever examined a bird's nest from its beginning to end, it truly mirrors parenting a day in, day out focus with time to create using sticks, random items, and possibly some kind of concocted clay that we call home in a location. We feel comfortable to stash away what's precious. Our babies. Once developing, we flit in and out for work and to-dos. Then we provide warmth to help them grow our body in parenting while hunting for food like groceries, and preparing affordable nutrition. The unending meals as our young gain, their feathers, voice size and strength. Then somehow against our desire to shield, we intuit the need to nudge our deeply coveted offspring over the tattered rim of aged twigs, only to watch each one flap wildly and land a bit hard, possibly quite abrupt as they take new unsteady steps away from our safety as the nest empties.
(01:06:46):
One by one, they aren't perfectly prepared. With each vacancy there is more space is this new empty, a calm, quiet, a healthy shift, a sad loss, a thankful prayer, or a lonely void. Each nest holds its own intensely personal story. Some chicks needed to go sooner, others, much later, some older others younger, some nests just held one. Others were stuffed with many. But eventually each nest often becomes empty with only remnants of what Once was a scattering of old baby feathers, pieces of broken shell, dislodged, twigs, dusty hardness and weathered debris. A clear sign that it was messy, but we gave it our all the best. Each of us knew with the minimal tools we had alone. Now I sit exhausted of the racing schedule now with time to read and walk, yet a guttural ache misses the noise, the mess, and the warmth.
(01:08:03):
I am anxious and guilty that I find a welcome peace and stillness, and yet can't deny the loneliness of the unknown. Tomorrows ironically, I'm now standing at the edge of the empty memory filled nest thinking to my wise old self. Do I replace some of the twigs, get some new clay and find solace in this present spot? Just spend my days moving my eyes about engaging the neighbors when I desire, while anticipating grand chicks return? Or do I take a big breath, spread these yearning wings and soar to different heights, discovering fresh branches in which to land or shoot off for a short, adventurous glide, making my way back here to the same comfortable body worn nest and chirp quietly with each sunset? Who knows what I do know I'm good enough just the way I am, whether I'm doing or being or laughing or crying, changing or stagnant? Because right now I'm flapping wildly until I land on these newly found wise and seasoned feet.
(01:09:23):
Doesn't it make you feel better to know that we are going through this together? I know it makes me feel better knowing that you're here with me. And that's why I said at the very beginning, the conversation today was going to be one of those ones that I was having both with myself at the same time that I was talking to you. As we move through this transition together and we hit so many life transitions together, we got to keep reminding one another. We got this because we do. And I also want to remind you, in case your son or daughter forgets to call today and someone else doesn't tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
(01:10:11):
That nest may feel empty, but I am always going to be here to remind you, you are not stuck where you are because you, my friend, have a beautiful and strong pair of wings. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the next episode. That was a good one, wasn't it? I'm so happy you were here with me on YouTube. I cannot wait for you to share this with every parent, anybody that you know that is going through some kind of major life transition. Thank you for being here with me. We got this. We got each other. By the way. Please hit subscribe. It's a way that you can show me how much you appreciate these videos and support me in bringing you new content every single day. And I know as you're catching your breath and you're hitting the share button, you're thinking, oh my gosh, I just want to listen to more. So this is the best video that you could check out next.
Resources
-
- Harvard Business Review: Change is hard, here’s how to make it less painful
- New York Times: How to thrive in an empty nest
- Forbes: How to maintain your sanity when going through change
- Harvard Business Review: Overcoming the fear of the unknown
- University of California, Berkeley: Research shows 3 ways to see meaning in life.
- The Atlantic: The meaning of life is surprisingly simple.
- TED: How to gain control of your free time with Laura Vanderkam (video).
- Harvard Business Review: Stop being so hard on yourself.
- Harvard Business Review: How to practice reflective thinking
- The New York Times: The goal of parenting is not to make your child happy.
- Harvard Health: What we know and how to cope.
- Inc. Magazine: The upside and downside of living vicariously through your kids.
- Time Magazine: Be a calmer parent and stop arguing with your kids.
- National Public Radio: Want a stronger bond with your kids? First relinquish control.
- TED: Why parents should stop blaming themselves for how their kids turn out.
- Psychology Today: How to cope with your child leaving.
2 Million Readers.
1 Life-Changing Newsletter
Simple and Straight-to-the-Point...
Just Like Mel.
