Episode: 186
How to Build Closer Friendships & Get Rid Of Loneliness
a Solo Episode
Why is adult friendship so hard?
Mel unpacks the 5 lies keeping you from meaningful relationships and gives you the truth you need to change them.
If you’ve been feeling lonely, left out, or just like your friendships are not as strong as they used to be, you’ll feel empowered and encouraged by the time you finish listening.
Mel is giving you her exact 3-step playbook for finding, making, and strengthening your relationships.
Listen on:
Stop telling yourself the lie that everyone else is having a huge party and you're not invited. If you want your life to be a party, create it.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00):
Yeah, I'm going to start by admitting something to you. Not really proud of this, but I think you're going to relate to it. I had my coffee and I pick up my phone. And so naturally of course I hop on social media. It seemed like every single post in my feed was of people having an amazing time. They were like at reunions and weddings and birthday parties. And I just started to feel like, does everybody have plans but me? This is a topic, adult friendship that everybody is thinking about. There are five lies that I have kept telling myself over and over and over again. And these five lies keep me from taking the steps that actually create the friendships that you and I deserve. And you know what? I guarantee you, you are telling yourself these same five lies and that is going to end today.
(00:54):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and today you and I are going to talk about the topic of adult friendship and particularly why is this so hard? I engaged this morning in a form of self torture that I call, look at Instagram and convince yourself that you're the only loser on the planet that has no plans, never seen your friends, always on the outside looking in. And I know you've been there, right? You've seen a photo of someone that you know and you think to yourself, oh my gosh, they look so fantastic. They're so happy. And you smile and you think to yourself, oh, I just love that person. And then you make that fatal mistake. You take your little finger and you start to swipe through the carousel of the photos of your friend's post and you realize, oh my gosh, they just went out with this huge group of people.
(01:51):
They had the night of their lives. They're dancing, they're drinking, they're out to dinner, they're laughing, they're dressed up. And then you realize, I know every person there and I wasn't included. And in those moments, as you sit on the couch and you're back melds to it and you become a stalker, now you're checking everybody else's account that was at the thing last night and you're seeing how big of a fun night this was. And you're realizing, I'm on the outside. I thought I was on the inside. It's like there's only two options. Option one, you immediately hate all these people and you make them wrong, and you get this huge story in your mind about them excluding you. Or option two, you aim all of that insecurity and loneliness right back at yourself and you make yourself feel bad. I'm here to tell you that there is another option.
(02:50):
That there is the option to wake up and take responsibility for your social life and for your adult friendships. And you don't need to make yourself wrong, okay? Here's what you need to know when you're an adult. Friendship is no longer a group sport, okay? And you cannot sit around waiting for everybody else to make plans for you. And I personally have made this huge mistake where I've spent way too much time looking at what everybody else is doing, hoping that I would be remembered and included instead of looking in the mirror and figuring out how am I going to get out of my own way.
Mel Robbins (03:28):
And what I've come to realize is that there are five lies that I have kept telling myself over and over and over again. And these five lies keep me from taking the steps that actually create the friendships that you and I deserve. And you know what? I guarantee you, you are telling yourself these same five lies and that is going to end today. No more sitting on the couch, no more stalking people on Instagram. No more telling yourself stupid stories that everybody hates you because they don't. And no more telling yourself that you're not in the group because these lies, they're keeping you from seeing the biggest truth of all. You need friendship. You deserve friendship and you deserve to have fun. And you can create that if you want to. So can I. But there are a few changes that you have to make and there's a few lies that you need to face. And today I'm going to share the five things that I had to face. And before we jump into these things, I have one more thing that I want to remind you of. While you're sitting there on the couch feeling sorry for yourself, you're forgetting that you are also the friend that someone else needs right now, but you've been so busy convincing yourself that every adult that you know is having the time of their lives and you're not now doing the simple things that will help you not only start having the time of your life, but also meet the people that you're supposed to meet.
(05:03):
And that brings me to a huge takeaway that I know you've heard me say before, but I want to start here. It is so important that I'm going to say this again.
Mel Robbins (05:17):
Some of the most amazing people that you'll meet in your lifetime, I'm talking about your favorite people you haven't even met yet. Now, they may not be sitting on the couch with you right now, but they are waiting, waiting for you on the road ahead. Don't you just love that idea? I want you to really feel it. Some of your most favorite people that you're going to meet in your lifetime you haven't met yet. How exciting is that? I mean, instead of thinking about your social life as some giant thing that you've been left out of, I want you to think about it as an opportunity that it is something that is yours to just reach out for. And all you need to do is to get started. So if you're feeling excited, good, because that's where these five lies come in. And luckily for you, you're here with your friend Mel Robbins on YouTube.
(06:21):
So I'm not going to let you continue to tell yourself these lies. I am not going to let you continue to stop yourself from creating the friendships and the social life you deserve. In fact, you know what we're going to do? You and I are going to jump to a video that I recorded for you where I tee up these five lies and I knock them down with you one after the other. Are you ready? Good. Me too. Let's go. Let's get into it because I am right here shoulder to shoulder with you in this same struggle. I thought my life would be a party. There would be barbecues every weekend. We'd be going on cruises and bike trips with friends. I'd have all kinds of downtime to hang out with my buddies. What the hell has happened? I feel like the older I get, the more boring I get.
(07:10):
This is how I would describe adult friendship, at least for Mel Robbins and I'm sure you can relate to this adult friendship is literally bumping into people randomly and being like, oh my God, it's so great to see you. We should get together. And then six months go by. And I know we kind of relate to that and we can laugh at it. But here's the thing I keep reminding myself, and I want to put this pin in it too for you. You ready? You're friends and you actually mean it when you say we should get together. But there's something that's standing in the way of us actually doing it. And I'm going to tell you what it is. It's these five damn lies. Because these lies are keeping you from doing the simple things that help you create adult friendships. And these lies also make you feel horrible.
(07:53):
And these lies also make you and keep you lonely. And you're not the only one that feels this way. And there are simple things that both you and I can do that we don't feel like doing that will fix this problem in our life. And it is a problem because friendship is so important and having fun is important, and you deserve to feel connected to cool people and you are a cool person and so am I. And so I'm going to make sure after we unpack these lies, you have three simple tools to turn this puppy around, okay? Because that's what I want for you, and it is certainly what I want for myself.
Mel Robbins (08:26):
So lie number one, lie number one that you're telling yourself everybody's life is a huge party. That is such bullshit, okay? We have all gotten sucked into the fake life on social media. Everybody's life is not a huge party. And even if you live in a sorority or fraternity, you may be lonely. You may not like the people that you're surrounded by. And so stop telling yourself this lie that everybody else's looks like a huge party. And here's why you need to stop telling yourself this lie. It's so damaging because when you sit there and you compare where you're at to people's fake lives on social media, you are comparing yourself to something that's not true and you are invalidating your own life experience. And let me just stop and let's role play here. How is sitting on your couch scrolling through social media?
(09:23):
Oh, they're going on vacation together. Oh, look at that nice bike trip. Oh, those people got together for a bachelorette party. Oh, everybody's life is a party but mine.
(09:32):
How does that make you feel? Does that make you feel excited to text the friends that you have? Probably not. What does it do? It puts you in a mental death spiral that makes you start to swirl the toilet of comparison. It makes you feel like a loser. It makes you feel left out. And yet you probably spend an hour a day on social media just staring into the lives of strangers and convincing yourself that everybody's life is a party except for yours. No one's life is margaritas in Ibiza. That may be what influencers do, but that's not what normal people do. And the reason why you have to stop telling yourself this lie is because you will never feel motivated to make the effort and you'll never feel worthy of the kind of friendships you deserve if you are constantly swimming in the toilet of comparison.
(10:33):
So what is the truth? Truth number one, if you want your life to be a party, create it. That's truth number one. I'm guilty of this too. I'm guilty. I always know when I'm coaching myself because I go, that's number one. I always raise my voice. I'm also trying to get you to listen, but I'm also like, Hey, Mel, stop looking at everybody else and saying there's the party. Why am I not invited? And look in the mirror. If you actually want that for yourself, create it. I remember there was a period in my life where my business was really taking off and I was on the road all the time and I started to realize I wasn't seeing my friends. Where did all my friends go? And I started to swim in the toilet of comparison. I would get home at the end of the week from work and I would look on social media and I would see people out at the country club that we didn't belong to posting photos.
(11:27):
And I would see other groups of people, maybe it was people who had sons on the same soccer teams were hanging out with and they're getting together. And I started to convince myself, everybody's life is a big party, and this is why this lie is so damaging. You tell yourself you're not invited to the party, you start to feel like a loser that nobody likes. And I felt that way for a couple of years and finally one day I said to Chris, we just don't get invited anywhere. Chris turned to me. It's so interesting. And he said, when's the last time we invited anybody over?
(12:03):
Mic drop? Thank you, Chris Robbins. If you want your life to be a party, start throwing them and stop telling yourself the lie that the party is somewhere else and you haven't been invited. Create your own. So that's truth number one. Truth number two is this. If you're swimming in that toilet of comparison and you're telling yourself everybody's life is a party but mine and you feel like a loser, I want to tell you something, you don't need a lot of friends. This is a huge myth that I think that modern life has slammed in our face thanks to social media because now we're aware of what everybody else is doing. The truth is, and this is based on research, that you don't need a huge group of friends.
Mel Robbins (12:55):
If you have what researchers call a 4:00 AM friend, what is a 4:00 AM friend? A 4:00 AM friend is somebody in your life that if you called them at four o'clock in the morning just because you wanted somebody to talk to, they would pick up. I want you to stop and think for a minute. Let's say that you wake up at four o'clock in the morning and there's nothing really wrong. It's not like you have an emergency because I think in emergencies there's lots of people you can call. But let's just say it's four o'clock in the morning and you wake up, can't go back to sleep, you're feeling kind of lonely. You just want somebody to talk to.
(13:37):
Who would you call? For me, I know I would call Jody Kin. She's my best friend from elementary school. She has trouble sleeping. She's probably awake anyway. Hi Jodi's. And she would pick up, I would call Amy. Amy is sitting right across from me right now. I could absolutely call Amy. I can think of a couple people. I would call Gretchen Larkin. I would call Lisa Schwart. There are a bunch of people in my life I could call, so I'm doing okay. If there was one human being that popped into your mind that you could call at four o'clock in the morning, and I know there is, you are doing okay, and I also have a confession to tell you as much as I am jealous of what looks like huge parties, and as much as I am the kind of person that thinks she wants to always be at a huge party, the truth is I'm very extroverted in my work, but I'm really introverted in my personal life.
(14:34):
And I think it's important for you to hear it's okay if you're not the big girl, gang or guy, gang type of person. There's nothing wrong with you if you just prefer to run in a small circle. Now, I think my circle has gotten so small, it's basically become a dot, but we're going to get into that when we get into some of the other lies. So let's keep going. Lie number two sounds a little like this. I don't fit in. Or maybe you say this to yourself, people don't like me, that's me. You want to know what is going on in the Mel Robbins head here, it's people don't like me. Or another way I would say this, you're mad at me. I just presume I've done something wrong. That's how screwed up my wiring is. I'm working on this as you know, and so I'm going to continue confessing how this plays out in my life because I know you look at me and you're like, you think people don't like you, but you are the most confident person on the planet.
(15:34):
What do you mean? What I project is very different than what the voice in my head is programmed to say, and that's why it's a lie. My voice in my head tells me a lie. And the voice in your head is telling you a lie to here's how this plays out for me. I am the kind of person that is always trying to read people's emotions. I wonder if people are upset with me. In fact, I don't even wonder if people are upset with me. I just presume that they are. I'm the type of person that would put emojis behind any kind of text if I feel like that might be taken in the wrong way or might hurt somebody. And here's what I'm learning from the Mel Robbins podcast. As we interview these experts, and as I dig into your stories and dms with you, is that this is complete Tom foolery.
(16:20):
It's not true. This is garbage from my childhood. This is attachment theory stuff. Clearly I have an insecure attachment style if I'm constantly worried. Clearly I've got coping mechanisms and wiring that I developed when I was little that I don't want anymore as an adult. And so why is this lie so damaging? People don't like me? Well, let's role play this one. If you're sitting at your house or in your car or scrolling on social media and you're telling yourself the lie, I don't fit in. People don't like me. On a scale of zero to 10, how motivated are you to put yourself out there? How about negative 27? That's how motivated you are. You are not only not motivated, you are more likely to hide because if you believe because of this lie you've been telling yourself that people don't like you, why on earth would you put yourself out there?
(17:17):
This is why I need to shake both of us by the shoulders. This is why we got to start reaching for the truth. This is why we've got to combat this awful programming that tells us the lie that people don't like you. It's not true. And I'm not just saying that because I like you. I'm not just saying that because I know you're a good person. I'm saying it because there is research around this. It's called the liking gap and this research, hold on to your hats people. This comes from psychologists at Cornell, Harvard, Yale. So we're talking SmartyAnts research here. This means we got to believe it, okay? It's called the liking gap. What is the liking gap? It's this lie. It's the tendency to underestimate how well liked you really are. See, you feel awkward about reaching out and so do I do to this liking gap. We don't reach out because we don't think people like us. We're underestimating the truth. What's the truth? People like you, period. Nobody's mad at you.
(18:32):
Stop living your life as if somebody's mad at you. How about we flip this instead? How about you start living your life assuming that people like you? What a radical idea. What a radical idea to walk into work and say to yourself, people like me here, what a radical idea to walk into a party this weekend or to a networking event and go, people like me here. I mean, that is a revolutionary idea. And I will tell you something. I struggle with this. I struggle with this a lot. This is one that I'm really working on in my own life, and I'm telling you this because I want you to work on it. We're all sitting there swirling in this toilet of comparison and assuming that people don't like us and it's not true. So let's leverage the research from Cornell and Harvard and Yale and let's be smarter about this.
(19:27):
Let's not let our emotions and our insecurities from childhood ruin the potential of amazing adult friendships. Because when you tell yourself that lie now, it's destroying your desire to reach out. And here is the truth you need to live by, and I need to live by people like you more than you think. So you better start acting like it. Now, let's move on to lie number three. Lie number three, B, F, F. Remember that from middle school or BFFs, BFFL, BFFs are life. Let's get the matching necklaces of the heart that is kind of broken in half and you'll wear one and I'll wear the other. Here's the reason why best friends forever is a lie. Best friends aren't always forever friends come and go In your life, even your best friends, friendships fade. They fizzle out. And I've even experienced that over time sometimes that best friend that faded or fizzled out because life just does that.
(20:39):
It's a natural part of life. Sometimes you find your way back into each other's lives again. Now, the reason why I believe this best friends forever is a lie is because it puts pressure on you. It puts pressure on you to label a friendship, and it puts pressure on you to hang on to things just because you've spent a lot of time with somebody. And when you hold on to friendships that no longer feel like a great connection or feel energizing or support who you're becoming, you know what happens when you are friends out of obligation, you start to feel resentment. And the other reason why it is so important to stop telling yourself, you got to be best friends. We've got to be best friends forever, best friends forever, is because that pressure that you're putting on yourself to hold on to things that don't feel right anymore.
(21:40):
That's the reason why you don't have room for new people to come into your life. And look, if you've been best friends forever and it's working for you, that is freaking awesome. I'm talking about the lie. We tell ourselves that if you don't have a best friend forever, somehow you're damaged. If you don't have that lifelong childhood friend, somehow you're an idiot that if you don't have best friends and you walk around in a squad and you've got Halloween costumes where you're all matching, you've screwed up your life, it puts pressure on you that is completely manufactured and it's totally unnecessary. So what's the truth? The truth is you may not always be friends with somebody forever, and that's good. That's good because you want friendships in your life that support your growth. You want friendships in your life that have a mutual exchange of energy and you need to take the pressure off yourself and you got to expand the way that you think about friendship.
(22:44):
Because when you look at B fff, not as best friends forever, but best friends are flexible, it creates room for growth. It creates room for the kinds of friendships that come in and out of your life based on what you need and what you can give. Doesn't that sound nice? I think it sounds really nice.
Mel Robbins (23:05):
So here's kind of a new way to think about friendship. It's flexible because friendship is mutual. It's supportive. It's a connection that is based on energy. It's based on what your passion is right now. It's based on what your goals are right now. It's based on the effort that you're putting in, and it's not necessarily based on history. You've experienced this. There could be somebody that'll walk into your life next week, and it's literally like you knew them forever. They were the exact person with the exact energy and vibe that you need right now.
(23:45):
And that doesn't mean that you're no longer friends with the people that you've been friends with for a long time. It just means that if best friends are flexible, it means that they come in and out of your life in terms of intensity. If you're flexible about friendship, you take the pressure off and you know that just because you don't see people all the time doesn't mean you're no longer friends, it's going to take a little bit of effort. Being flexible about friendship is super important because here's the truth about friendship, friendships fade because when your priorities change, so will your friendships. And I can give you a bazillion different examples of this. Let's say that you're the first of all your friends to get married. You'll start to notice that you start hanging out with other couples more. Why? Because the pattern of your life changed.
(24:36):
If you're flexible with friendship, you don't put pressure on yourself. You don't start to go, oh, are we still friends? Are we not friends? You just know that it's going to require a little bit more energy because the patterns of your life has changed. If you start to see the world differently, maybe because you're now a vegetarian or you've stopped drinking or you've gotten very active with social justice, or you are really committed to your health, the patterns of your life just changed and your friendships will also change. And that's why you need to be flexible in your friendships because again, what is the purpose of your friends? It's literally for this mutual supportive exchange of energy that helps you become a better you. Another reason why is that as you start to grow, everything about you changes and things are going to start to feel forced or draining because they were connected to the old you.
(25:32):
So when you realize that a relationship is getting forced or that it's draining you or it's taking way too much energy, be flexible. And by the way, you've been that person for somebody else as somebody else has been trying to grow, or as their interests have changed or as the patterns in their life, they got a different job, they moved to a different state. It doesn't mean you're no longer friends, it just means it's not as close of a friend anymore because the connection's a little off the energy. That's okay. You're allowed to grow. You're allowed to move on. And instead of making yourself wrong, instead of feeling guilty, instead of gripping it or forcing it, just be flexible. Just direct your energy in a new relationship. Move toward the people that feel like the light, that feel energizing, that feel like they're aligned with where you're headed, instead of holding so tightly to the folks that were with you in places where you've been.
(26:34):
It's all good. It's all good. And by the way, when you do that, you create space for something new. It's a beautiful thing.
Mel Robbins (26:42):
Lie number four is really simple. You do not need to be everybody's friend. You can't be everybody's friend. The truth is not everybody is meant to be your friend. And the second that it feels like a force, be flexible. Okay? Here's one of the things that I love to think about is that you can be the whole package, but if you're delivered to the wrong address, not going to work. Another quote that I've seen that I just love is you could be the most amazing, juicy, end of summer, ripe peach, but if you don't like peaches, you're not going to be a fit for that person. Doesn't matter how good you are. Remember flexibility. I want you to understand this because when you tell yourself, oh, I got to be liked by everybody.
(27:30):
Everybody's got to like me. I got to be everybody's friend. That lie turns you into people pleaser. That lie is why you are in your head going to they like me. How do I need to change? I know I'm a peach and they don't like peaches, but maybe if I disguise myself as a plum, they'll actually like me. Stop doing that. Embrace the fact that you're a peach. Embrace your whole package and stop forcing yourself to be liked by everybody. The reason why this lie is so important to catch is because there's nothing wrong with you. The more you embrace who you are, the more you are honest about what works for you, the more you show up as your full self. Imagine that. Imagine assuming that people just like you, that juicy peach that you are as you are. Imagine if you just assume, imagine if you're flexible.
(28:21):
Imagine who might show up somebody who likes peaches. Wouldn't that be a wonderful change? That's why you got to catch that because this is about energy. This is about you and where you are in your life and where you're going, matching with beautiful human beings that are on that same leg of the journey with you. That's what this is about. So be flexible and man, you are a juicy peach. Embrace that stuff. I love peaches, by the way. That's why I love you. Lie number five, get ready. You're going to hate this one. I hate this one. I'm too busy. I'm too tired. I don't want to go out. I'd rather just stay home. I have social anxiety.
(29:07):
I'm an introvert. Yes, I've said all these things to myself too. Here's the truth. Friends are critical to a happy life. Friends are the thing that make life meaningful. You deserve amazing friendships, and you deserve to be an amazing friend. For a long time, I've shared a lot about this. I have felt really fricking lonely, and I'm okay being alone. I got no problem walking into a restaurant, rolling up to the bar, sitting at the bar and having dinner by myself. In fact, I kind of like doing that. I have no problem going to see a movie alone. I have no problem going for a run or a hike alone. There's a big difference between enjoying time by yourself and being lonely because you don't have friendship in your life and you don't feel a sense of connection or community. And for a really long time, that was me.
(30:07):
And the lie I was telling myself is I was too busy. I became addicted to busyness as a way to cover up the fact that I was really lonely. My friends were working, our kids are all launched. Everybody's scattered in a bazillion directions. I felt like I wasn't seeing my friends. And guess what? My friends felt the same way. Nobody's life was a big party. Everybody is just in their cars driving here and there, sitting at home, working remote, trying to navigate this crazy thing called life. As our kids have gotten older, at least in my case, I find that they need me more, not less. And so I am just like in my little tunnel and it turns out, so are you. Everybody feels this way. It's not just you. And here's the lie. You're not too busy for one of the most important things in your life.
(30:59):
You're not too tired to make the effort for something that brings meaning. You're not too shy or introverted or whatever to make the effort. It is so easy to opt out of the book club tonight. It is so easy to not go to that new hockey league or the intramural soccer thing or the lecture at the library because we've gotten used to being alone in our homes. This is so dangerous to your happiness. Do not let the fact that you've gotten used to being home be the reason why you don't. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Push your rear end out the door and make the effort because the effort's small. You have to make the effort.
Mel Robbins (31:46):
So tool number one, I promise. Three tools. Tool number one is a framework. There are three types of friendships, and this helps you be really flexible in your friendships. It also helps you to remind yourself of the truth. Okay? So here are the three types of friendships. You ready? And this framework is they're friends for a reason. They're friends for a season, and they're friends for a lifetime. That's it. And if you think about people coming and going in and out of your friendship zone in a flexible way because they're either there for a reason or they're there for a season or they're there for a lifetime, you now no longer are gripping. You can be flexible. You can assume people like you. You can stop holding onto the wrong people and trying to force somebody who's just there for a reason to try to be a lifetime friend. This is such helpful framework. Let me explain it. So these people are in your life for a reason. These would be work friends. You see them all the time because you work together. They might be the parents of other kids that are on your kids' sports team, or they might be people that are on your team that you're playing sports with.
(32:56):
They're there for a reason. They might be your neighbors. They're there for a reason. These are great friends to have. They're there for a certain period of time. They're there to teach you something. They're there to support you on a leg of the journey called life. These are awesome friends, but don't grip onto 'em. Be flexible with them. Let them come in and out of your life. Love 'em up. Enjoy them while they're there with you. And then at some point when you no longer have that reason to have those friends in your life, they sort of fade a little bit. They're still your friends. I guarantee you 10 years later, if you were good friends with your neighbor, they would certainly help you out. So would your friends at work. This is why flexible friendship is such an awesome concept. Now, let's talk about a season.
(33:41):
So these are folks that are there typically a little bit longer. They're there for a chapter a season. So they might be the people that you met in college and you were really, really close friends during college, and you were really, maybe you roomed together after college, but then people start peeling off. They start headed in different directions. They maybe move away to different cities or they get married. And so these are close friends for a certain season of your life. And I find that I had a lot of really good friends that I was friends with when I was a young mom. That was a really amazing season of my life. I will cherish that season of my life. I had so many close female friends because we were all doing life in the same season at the same time. And when that season ended and my kids went to middle school, and then they scattered even further in high school, and then all of a sudden the bomb drops on everything when they go off to college.
(34:44):
And that season of my life was over. In fact, it had been over for a long time. And when the season changes, be flexible because a new season is beginning, which means a new seasons of friends are going to emerge. Those 4:00 AM friends we talked about. And remember, you're doing pretty dynamite if you can think of that one person that you could just pick up the phone at four o'clock in the morning and call and you know that they would pick up and just chat with you just because you wanted to talk to a friend. So tool number one, use that framework to enforce this flexibility. Reason, season and lifetime. Don't force people into the wrong category. This is a big one. Please stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be right now. Sometimes some of the most generous and beautiful and loving things that you can do for people is to graciously let them go and let them grow and let them be who they need to be in this season of their lives.
(35:51):
Now let's move on to tool number two, which you are probably going to hate, and that is you need to take action. That's going to require you to step out of the comfort zone of your couch and the coms of a Friday night alone. Binge watching TV and push yourself to get out of your comfort zone and make the effort to make friends. And this effort part's really important.
Mel Robbins (36:19):
There was this enormous study done at the University of Kansas. It puts friendship into a timeline and hours perspective, making friends check this out. They studied how, how many hours it takes to make a quote friend. And this is fascinating that as a student, it's very different than what it's like to make friends as an adult. This is why it can feel hard because most of our lives, we were in seasons where we were forced to be in groups.
(36:50):
Think about how you're in a group in elementary school, and that's how you meet your friends. And then you're in a group in middle school and that's how you meet your friends. And then you're in a group in high school and that's how you meet your friends. And then you're in a group in college, and that's how you meet your friends. And then all of a sudden your twenties hits and boom, everybody scatters and you're like, where the hell did my friends go? But this is normal and we require effort. And this University of Kansas study explains this. If you're in college and you're swimming in the sea with all these people doing the same thing at the same time, it takes you about 43 hours to become an acquaintance with somebody. Now you're sitting in class together. That's part of the time you're eating in the cafeteria together.
(37:27):
That's part of the time you're hanging out in the dorm room together. That's part of the time when you're an adult to become a casual friend, it takes you 94 hours. Why? Because your patterns are very different. When you're an adult, you don't have as much overlap. It's why you tend to become friends as an adult with people you work with because you spend more time with them. It's why you're friends with people that you live near because you spend time with them. This is not just common sense, it's researched. And in order to go from just a casual friend to a really good friend, if you're a student, it takes about 57 hours, which makes sense because you're spending more time together, so you're sharing more experiences together. For adults, we need about 164 hours. That's so sad. This is why it's so important for you to have this perspective and for you to understand It's going to require effort on your part.
(38:22):
And that's okay knowing that everybody feels this way, knowing that everybody's at their homes alone under the fuzzy blanket on the couch, feeling like a peach that nobody likes swimming in the toilet of comparison, feeling like friendship is so hard, knowing that I hope is helping you go, oh, well, maybe I could be the one. Maybe I could get all the peaches together and we could make a pie or some jam or some cobbler. That's what I did this weekend. I'm going to tell you a quick story. I think it's really important. Here I am. I always say, please come visit me. I live alone on a mountain in Vermont. I'm only, but the truth is, I've met a bunch of really cool people up here, and every one of us say the same thing. It's amazing living here, and I really want to meet some friends.
(39:07):
I really want to get together with people. I want to stop saying, let's get together and not make plans. And so I'll tell you a quick story because all it takes is leaning toward your curiosity. That's all it takes. I walk this loop all the time, that's right by my house. It's beautiful loop. It's about four and a half miles. And I love flowers. I know there's five love languages. I have a sixth. Flowers, flowers, flowers. I'm like a psycho about flowers. They remind me of my parents. I love growing them. I love bringing them into the house. I just love flowers. And so this year, I've been walking this loop for 26 years when I would visit my in-laws before we bought their house, and now it's our own. And all of a sudden this year, there was this insane flower farm that popped up.
(39:57):
And by Flower Farm, I mean this patch of flowers like an acre big. And in the spring, it was this row of gorgeous double peony, tulips and French tulips and parrot tulips. And I would do this walk and I'd stop and I'd take photos, and you've probably seen them on my Instagram stories. And then as those came and went, then Ula came up and it was this triple petal ULAs and peonies. And I'm like, whoa. It's like flower porn for me. And then now there's these field of dahlias, like dahlias are mind blowing, just gorgeous flowers. And there was never anybody there ever. There was no sign, no nothing. And I became obsessed. You guys with stopping by the flower patch just drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Oh my God. I just loved it. Like sound of music with the, I mean the flower patch.
(40:47):
And I'm taking flowers, and now I feel like an influencer that's 20 years old, and I need a cowboy hat with a feather in it so that I can do the festival photos that everybody does. And I just flower porn all day long. And all of a sudden I see a truck parked there one day, and the truck thankfully had a contractor's label on it. And lo and behold, that same label was on a truck here at our house under construction. So I walked over to, and I'm like, Hey, do you know this flower fuel? And he goes, yeah, I parked my car there every once in a while. I'm like, do you know who the person is? He's like, yeah, that's Annette from Flour Farm. I'm like, what? And I think she's on Instagram. I'm like, what? So I DM her, oh my God, I've seen the flower.
(41:28):
And then she dms back. Oh my gosh, really? It's a labor of love. It's a hobby. A hobby, yeah. I work full time and I've been really worried about how I'm going to get all the Dahlia bulbs out. And I'm like, well, I'll help you. You'll help me. And so next thing you know, just by following the energy, following the connection, leaning into this season of my life, leaning into the curiosity, I DM her. She dms back. I come to find out that she has been planting flowers in this new season of her life. She sells bulbs online. She is going through some stuff personally, and I'm like, well, I know some other women. I'll get these other women that I know to come and hang out with us, and I will see if we can't make something happen. And so we get 13 women to show up at the flower field on Saturday. I didn't know any of these women.
(42:30):
Well, I knew some of 'em. I knew the ones that I invited. And then the friends that I invited invite other friends. And it was this army of new women here in southern Vermont that showed up to help another woman dig dahlias out of a field on a Saturday. And she and I have been texting ever since. So I met all these new people. We connected over something we're interested in. We now have a group chat called the Dynamite Dahlia Dames. And so Annette and I are texting, wait till you hear this. When we both showed up, she said to everybody, I'm so overwhelmed because I'm so alone and introverted. I never think anybody would help. I have trouble asking for help. And so as we're texting, she writes, I'm so grateful for everyone's kindness and presence and the joy there was in the field this morning. It's been a hard and a lonely path thus far, building a vision shovel by shovel, digging my way to a new life. Before I relate to that now I really relate to that. And then suddenly, outcome all these fabulous women. Yes, I'm very, very happy because that morning was my highlight of my week two.
(43:51):
So the challenge now is leaning in again and setting a date again and moving the ball down the field. Because as we know from that University of Kansas study that it takes time and it takes effort, and we all need each other to be making the effort.
Mel Robbins (44:12):
And so the final tool that I'm going to give you is something that is so simple and so impactful, and I have so many friends that now do this that I'm stealing this from. And it's very simple. Every single day, make it a habit to text a friend just out of the blue. And if you want to amplify this, take a selfie video. Hey, I'm just on my walk and I was thinking of you. And hey, my dog says hello. And you not only underestimate how much people like you, you underestimate how much it means to somebody when they hear from you.
(44:53):
This isn't just me. This is research that was covered in the New York Times recently about how receiving an unexpected text from a friend makes you immediately feel connected to that person. And it makes the friendship stronger. Make it a practice every single day as you start your day to reach out to one friend with a random message. In fact, I want to share one with you. So I love my friend Glo Atanmo, and she's an incredible author and podcaster and just puts out incredible content and motivational speaker. And I learned so much from her, and she is so great about this. I want you to listen to this random message that popped in my phone literally a month ago. There was a beautiful face just sending me a video message, and I'm going to play it for you. I want you to listen to it as if she's sending this to you,
Glo Atanmo (45:52):
Mel. Hello. It has been almost a month since our last video message. And I was reading one of my daily devotional type books, and I thought of this, and I'm like, who can I send this to? And you came to my heart. So I'm going to read it out loud. You are human. You will make mistakes. Hopefully you'll make a whole lot of them because that means you are trying and trying means you are fully alive. It also makes life a hell of a lot more interesting. So here's to making more mistakes. Here's to living, and here's to appreciating the ebbs and flow of life. It's hard for us to maintain equilibrium. We try to go through life chasing and seeking comfort and just staying happy and staying positive. But sometimes in those moments and in those seasons and those valleys of depression or sadness, we're meant to get something from that. And then when we come out of it, it's like we have so much more appreciation. So no need to respond. Just wanted to bless you with this message. Thinking of you sending you love High five,
Mel Robbins (46:54):
That just makes you feel good. And so here's what I want to tell you. I want to tell you, I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to stop telling yourself these lies and to really embrace the truth. The truth is you deserve amazing friendships. You need amazing friendships, and you are that amazing friend that somebody who is going through a very lonely season digging their way to a new life needs desperately right now. So 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as we're done, I want you to text a friend of yours and level it up. Send a video and let's level it up again. Send them a link to this episode because the more that we get everybody reaching out, and the more that we create this ripple effect, the more we are helping people get the things that they deserve, and find the courage to take the actions that create it and make it a reality. And thank you, thank you. Thank you for being here. I just love spending this time with you. And if you haven't already, please hit subscribe. It tells me that you really love these videos. And by supporting me, by subscribing, it also helps me bring new videos every single day. Alrighty, I know you're thinking, okay, I'm so inspired about friendship. What should I watch next? Check out this video. You are absolutely going to love it.
Resources
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- British J of Clinical Psych: Link between emotional regulation and loneliness.
- Stanford Center on Longevity: Strong relationships help you live longer.
- Harvard Second Generation Study: Harvard Study of Adult Development
- The Atlantic: Longest study in human health found the key to a good life.
- Susan Pinker’s Ted Talk: The Secret to Living Longer May Be Your Social Life
- The Liking Gap: do people like us more than we think? - Research out of Harvard, Yale, Cornell, and University of Essex
- Good genes are nice, but joy is better - Harvard Study of Adult Development
- How to Make Friends? Study reveals time it takes - University of Kansas research
- Text Your Friends: It matters more than you think - New York Times article
- The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think - University of Pittsburgh research
- Why Your Social Life Is Not What It Should Be - New York Times article. Go deeper into Nicholas Epley (U. Chicago)'s research: here and here
- Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States - U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
- The Harvard Gazette: Your relationships are critical to your health.
- TED: The secret to a happy life: lessons from 8 decades of research.
- University of CA, Berkeley: Why your friends are more important than you think.
- The Atlantic: How to make friendships, according to science.
- Mel’s episode on Call Her Daddy about friendship: Where Did All My Friends Go?
- Glo Atanmo – she sent Mel the voice memo! Her Instagram, her website
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