You Learn This Too Late: This One Idea Might Change Your Entire Life

Dr. Shefali (00:33:12):

Because you realize that the only reason people are enemies to us is because they've triggered something deep within us that we haven't healed. There is no enemy really on the outside except for people who physically subjugate you. And even then they're not real enemies because ultimately mental liberation is an inner job. So in terms of psychological enemies, those are created by your own unhealed self. I'm sorry to say after a certain age. Now, children who tell me that they are being emotionally abused by their parents, those children I will fully validate and I will call the parents to task. But after a certain age, I tell those children if they've grown up after 21, I say, okay, it's time for you to release the unconsciousness your parents burdened you with and all the suffering that they indoctrinated you with. It's time to release them and now to parent yourself. Because I believe every human is a parent to their own inner child.

Mel Robbins (00:34:13):

That's beautiful. Every human is a parent to their own inner child. I love that. What do you do if you're listening right now, Dr. Shefali, and you're having this kind of heaviness in your heart because you're really, maybe for the first time giving yourself permission to see your experience as a child and to realize that your parents did not give you what you needed, that there was this battle for control, that you do feel this sense of obligation and undying loyalty and you didn't feel seen. What is your advice to somebody who's kind of having that awakening of what their experience has been?

Dr. Shefali (00:35:06):

Yeah. So that realization is huge. Coming to that awareness, although it's a heavy awareness to come to, is actually the first step of disrupting patterns and healing generational pain. We actually cannot avoid that trauma of that realization that, holy shit, I wasn't honored for who it is I was, or I've been living a lie or I've been living inauthentically. In fact, if a person doesn't come to the humble footsteps of that realization, they haven't really begun the awakening process. That is the first step of coming to your knees and going, holy shit, I've been living a lie. Oh my God, I didn't see this. Where have I been living? I didn't realize this about myself. I've been living as a puppet to my parents' fantasies for all this time I've been lying to my authentic self. That is the key. So to come to that realization is the jewel, but it comes with pain.

(00:36:09):

So now can we tolerate that pain and then take the next step forward? So what is the next step? Okay, now let's have compassion for where our parents came from. They only did what they did to the level of consciousness they had. We all operate only to the degree of consciousness we have. We are not good or bad. I stay away from those labels. We are all on a spectrum of consciousness to unconsciousness at any given point in time. So once we come to that wisdom, we can see their pain. We can see that they do not parent themselves. We can see that our grandma and grandpa really. So then we have compassion and we have compassion for our mistakes with our children. And we don't go back and berate ourselves because that's again, continuing the cycle of low worth and scarcity. And then we begin to start in the here and now. No matter how old your child is, no matter how old you are, no matter how many marriages or divorces, the moment to begin living, an awakened life is available right here, right now. And it's difficult to get your mind out of the resentments and regrets of the past, but it is in our power to bring that mind to the beauty and abundance that this moment allows for you.

Mel Robbins (00:37:28):

I want to thank you for highlighting the fact that when you start to have this awakening that you don't want to do things the same way that your parents or grandparents did, that you want to truly have this awakening of taking control of yourself and your life and the way that you go through life, that there is this knee jerk reaction, especially on social media, to just judge, call people toxic, cancel, cancel and cancel and cut your parents out and all that stuff. And I'm so happy that you just highlighted this idea that first of all, this is their first time being human beings.

Dr. Shefali (00:38:12):

Absolutely.

Mel Robbins (00:38:13):

And how could you expect somebody who was probably raised in a very troubling manner to somehow magically evolve? I'm not excusing any abuse or anything that was done to any of us, but really bringing a lens of compassion to, oh, somebody is repeating the patterns that were done to them. They did what they did based on the consciousness that they have. And now that I am listening to Dr. Shefali and I am learning all these things, I have a level of consciousness that's different. And if you then jump on the bandwagon of judge toxic cutout, all that stuff that is just like you're now back in the lane of controlling.

Dr. Shefali (00:39:00):

So boundaries are healthy,

(00:39:03):

But when they are used euphemistically for walls and barriers and crevices, then we are just perpetuating the same trauma over and over again. When we truly evolve, it means it comes with it. Unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional self-acceptance comes with it an acceptance of our shadow. So when you accept your own shadow now you see it in everyone around you and you have the same compassion. So truly evolved. Human beings who are working on themselves, they're actually the most aware of their shadow. So when parents stand up in audiences and tell me, talk to you, I'm a conscious parent, I go, poor thing. Because there is no such thing as a label, right?

(00:39:54):

Consciousness is a calling. It's a striving, it's a quest. It's a daily cultivation, and it's not a journey of perfection. It's not a destination. It is actually the most grueling process of constantly looking at your florid ego in its face.

Mel Robbins (00:40:16):

Well, I'll share with you as you're listening to Dr. Shefali and I, that I am so excited that my adult daughters are both in therapy because I've said to them, please talk about all the things I did wrong.

(00:40:29):

Please, let's heal the things that I did wrong. Tell me what patterns that I have that are not working for you if you felt unseen or invalidated, if I was a control freak, if I was checked out, your experience is exactly right and I can do better. And so giving yourself permission to evolve, giving your children, your children, giving your parents, giving your partners the same

Dr. Shefali (00:40:57):

Permission, but you know why you did that? Because you're releasing your desire, your need to be perfect. You are letting it go. You're like, I've smashed it. I can see that it's not going to work. I need to let it go. Now that humility, even though it takes some defacing of your pride, doesn't it bring about a liberation?

Mel Robbins (00:41:21):

Absolutely.

Dr. Shefali (00:41:22):

You're like, who said I was perfect? So when we can enter that humility of seeing your shadow, seeing your limitations, you actually free your children because your children knew all along. It wasn't them. They knew we were the crazy ones, but we were acting like it was them. So when we now own our crazy children are like, hallelujah, I don't need you to be perfect. I'm okay being imperfect. You were the one who thought you needed to be the perfect parent. I didn't put that on you, mommy. You put that on yourself because you were still hungry for worth from your childhood and you put it on me.

Mel Robbins (00:42:00):

I can't wait to hear what you think and your reaction and your relationships are, because I know that people are going to send this episode to their parents. They're going to send it to their kids. They're going to send it to their friends. How do we do this? We started to talk about the steps. As somebody's listening to you, Dr. Shefali, and they're thinking, I want this. I don't want to be a control freak. I don't want to have my ego tied to micromanaging everything. I can see how my need to control is blowing up in my face with my kids, with my parents, with my partners. 

Dr. Shefali (00:43:01):

Well, it's really a practice and it takes work. And I know parents don't want to hear that they want the 1, 2, 3, but I wrote the 1, 2, 3 in this book called The Parenting Map because parents were asking me for the steps. But really the steps are about, number one, uncovering your own childhood conditioning. You've got to do the work. You've got to go back and understand how you are carrying your internal mother, how you've internalized your mother and your father. Sorry. You have to do that work. So you work with a coach, a therapist. And the second thing which I teach is you have to awaken to really what life is about and what life is about in a very simple way, is the present moment, the impermanence and fragility of death and the absolute relinquishment of control over ourselves or another human being.

Mel Robbins (00:43:57):

I want to talk about a topic that listeners around the world are writing in about, and it is the documented and alarming spike in depression and anxiety and mental health issues, particularly in young adults. And when I hear a lot of experts talk about it, they just talk in broad strokes. Can you help us understand the various factors that have gone into this spike? Because I feel like I don't know what to stop controlling.

(00:44:37):

You know what I mean? If the main behavior that we need to get ourselves to change is this constant need to control other people in our lives, particularly our kids, and to become more conscious to letting go and being in the moment, how do we do that on a topic where you've got somebody that you really care about that's deeply in the spiral

Dr. Shefali (00:45:06):

Of

Mel Robbins (00:45:06):

Anxiety or depression?

Dr. Shefali (00:45:08):

So then several layers to your question. So number one, what do we do with all this disease that we're seeing? Really disease from within?

(00:45:17):

It is a symbol and a symptom of inner disconnect. We are disconnected. And while we were always, I think, disconnected since the birth of the agricultural revolution and technology and industrialization in the past 30 years, we have seen technology in front of our eyes take over our lives to the point where we are using technology as proxy proxies, as surrogates for relationships. Now, children need presence. They need a parent who embodies the here and now attunement and alignment in order to thrive. Now, when the parent is constantly distracted on a screen using the screen as a proxy for their own anxiety management as medication, the child now is not getting the source of warmth, of connection, of soothing safety, security, significance from the primary caregiver. It's also beginning to rely on the same proxies. So this is why we have seen a greater incline in mental disease now than ever before because our proxies have multiplied.

(00:46:33):

We have a proxy in the back pocket. We have a proxy in the car, we have a proxy in the back of the car and the trunk. We have batteries and chargers and adapters, 10 devices. So we are now replacing human to human connection, which is the core foundational essence of good parenting with these proxies. So our children are feeling that lack. So mental health is rising. I know it's a broad answer. What do we do about it? What do we do? We take our children in our charge soon. We don't wait for the schools to relinquish technology. We can do it at home. Each parent has the power in their own microcosm at home to increase connectivity with their children. If we want to raise children who are secure, well empowered in adulthood, they require the first 10 years of true presence. It doesn't mean daily moment by moment presence, but it's the embodiment of that energy.

(00:47:35):

So we have to do away with the screens. We have to be decluttered in our own schedules, in our own agendas, cut out all the 10,000 activities. All of that is a waste of time for the most part. Focus on the connection between parent and child or siblings and keep it simple. What happened in the pandemic was really a tragedy in many ways, in so many people's lives. But it was a call back to simplicity, a call back to consciousness, a call back to connection. But now we've lost it again. So you will see this rise continuing because children know that they're missing. They can feel it. They're like, where are my connected parents? Why am I not in nature? Why am I sitting in front of this plastic one dimensional screen clicking on buttons that are artificial? They sense it and their psyche suffers.

Mel Robbins (00:48:28):

So Dr. Shefali, are you saying that modern parenting where we are parenting with a phone in our hand and we ourselves are not present because we are on the screen and we are distracted and we are overscheduled and we are anxious and worried is the direct cause of the anxiety that our kids are feeling? I

Dr. Shefali (00:48:48):

Mean, it makes sense, but the parent, if we can't blame the parent, because I don't

Mel Robbins (00:48:53):

Mind, I'll take the blame. I see my

Dr. Shefali (00:48:56):

Responsibility. But greater than that, instead of just focusing on the parent, we have to see it as a system of parents. I call it the parenting industrial complex. This is not just one parent. The parent is being swallowed by a system, and the system is to be called to task. And it takes people like us who are out there with a microphone to be the hobbing of a new tomorrow where we inform parents, Hey, you can do it differently just because everyone in the neighborhood is doing it this way. I'm here to tell you it's harmful. Listen, of course it takes courage, but there is a way to do things differently, and that's what I teach. So are there

Mel Robbins (00:49:37):

Specific recommendations? Because I agree with you. I think we all know that this is something we have majorly screwed up, and I love that you used the word we've been swallowed by it. And there is that sense that, well, everybody else, my kid's going to be the one that's left out. And if they're left out and they're not on the smartphone and they're not doing this and they can't do that, then they're going to experience more anxiety. And so our anxiety about what they're going to feel is creating this pressure to do things that instinctively, this doesn't work. It doesn't work that I'm sitting at a dinner at a restaurant. My 4-year-old is watching an iPad and my teenager is texting under the table. This doesn't work. It's not work. It's not good for anybody. Yes. So Dr. Shefali, what do you recommend as just a couple things that you're like parents, this is simple things you need to do to reclaim the presence for yourself because you are that safe base that is modeling what this looks like.

Dr. Shefali (00:50:39):

Yes. And here in this one area, I become super controlling. Okay, let's go. So now you're like, what happened to the lobby? I'll take it back. Let's go. It's because I see the pernicious nature of this movement, this social media movement, this technological movement because it's taking children away from their core needs being met. And then I become controlling. So when I see a parent going completely off track and doing things that are so harmful to the child, then I'm like, okay, this is where we have to just be hard, clear. So what are the few things the parent has to do?

Mel Robbins (00:51:12):

Yeah, can I just say something? I look at this. If your kid were sucking on the vape pipe, that's what I say, you'd take it away. If your kid were like pounding Jack Daniels before dinner, you would take it

Dr. Shefali (00:51:22):

Away. Or if your kid needed treatment for cancer

(00:51:26):

And they were like, no, mommy, I don't want to go for radiation. You're going to say to the kid, I'm so sorry you hate me. We are going in the car and we are going to go get your treatment if that's what you choose to do. So at that point, you're not thinking about good guy or bad guy. You're just doing what is good for your child's essence. And I think what parents are not realizing because they are medicating themselves, you see on this drug, they're not realizing, is that this drug is no different to the child's brain than alcohol or crack cocaine or anything that you would immediately say, no way. It's not entering my house. How have we allowed this to happen? We've allowed it to happen because the parent get soothed and medicated on this drug. It's an intox for us. It's taking us away from that anxiety I've been talking about. So what I encourage parents to do is that A, it's not too late. Let's clean up your own house, your internal house and your own life. Begin with, you start with an hour a day of screen-free time where you are just present and the parents go, but then my kid will do nothing. My kid will just be bored. My kid will just be on the couch. And I say, that's amazing. That's what we don't need to do. We need to be together in the space of this oneness energy. What is so scary about that? Because we've just filled our life with this constant need for distraction. So the parent has to become disciplined. Start with an hour, start with 30 minutes, or like you say, five minutes a day, right? Just start there where you say, okay, this is a screen-free moment where we are going to just be, we are going to be bored, we're going to be frustrated, we're going to be with our feelings. We're going be annoyed with each other. We are going to be authentic. We're not going to numb or dissociate. When the parent begins to practice that and there will be protests and there will be a strong withdrawal where they're going to detox and they're going to drive you crazy, then the ripple effect will start. But the parent has to seize that moment and realize that this is a drug that is in your house and your kids are vaping it every minute.

Mel Robbins (00:53:36):

And this comes back to your core message, which is it is all about your own awakening, and we're so busy trying to control what everybody else is doing, and the kids are on the phone and you're complaining about it while you're looking at your phone. And so it starts with you. One thing that we did that was hugely helpful is there's a basket in the kitchen with a charger and phones are not allowed at our table. Like you're not allowed to have them when we're having meals together. And the basket helps define the boundary. Yes.

Dr. Shefali (00:54:08):

Blame the basket.

Mel Robbins (00:54:09):

Yes. So as somebody who is an expert, right? 

Dr. Shefali (00:54:27):

And I know it's being talked about a lot, but I think it's never enough. How disconnecting social media is what used to be a photo on your fridge being commented upon by your nasty auntie is now out there for the world to comment on. And young children, teenagers especially, are not equipped to handle that degree of self-criticism, that degree of scrutiny, judgment, scorn, degradation, racism, ageism, sexism. They're not yet equipped. So when we allow our children to be exposed to this vast milieu of strangers and their toxicity into your child's life, you're actually not protecting your children.

(00:55:14):

Just like you wouldn't let them go and travel the world when they're eight, because who knows who they will meet and can they navigate the scary, risky territories of the unknown foreign country in the same way giving your child access to strangers in such an indiscriminate way is like saying, here, go, go, go. If you get raped, if you get damaged, if you get stolen from, oh, well, that's what's happening to our children's psychology, and that's why our children are showing acute signs of distress. Are we listening? We're not. We're not. Right. I think everybody's at the lunch because we've disappeared. We've disconnected even more. And this is because we as parents are not grounded in our own present moment. The present moment scares us so much that we're so relieved. If you look at any bus stop, any train station, where are we looking down on our phones?

(00:56:14):

I'm guilty of this 100%, and I have to catch myself and go, oh my goodness, where did the last 10 minutes go? And life is telling us, life is always reminding us, Hey, listen, I'm fragile. Don't waste me. I'm not here forever. Pay attention to me. I'm beautiful. I am your greatest dopamine hit. I'm the greatest toxicant of euphoria. Pay attention to me. I'm for free. Life is always beckoning to us, but we're not paying attention. Then we have children and we don't pay attention. Then we have the relationship and we don't pay attention. And then we have the terminal illness. Maybe then we'll pay attention.

Mel Robbins (00:56:52):

Well, the invitation today is to wake the hell up and start paying attention. Because if I'm hearing you correctly, the only way to get your kids or your teens off their phones is to get yourself off yours first and to be more present. Because what you'll find when you're more present is how sad you feel and how disconnected you are as you sit with your family and everybody's on their phone.

Dr. Shefali (00:57:18):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (00:57:19):

Is there a script that you have? I would imagine that there's going to be a lot of you listening to this, especially if you have adult kids where you're like, okay, this genie's out of the bottle. I really blew this. Correct. They don't even live here anymore. I don't. Other than dinners out and everybody, Hey guys, let's put our phones away. Is there a script? How do you begin to claw back something? Especially if the big message here is you're not, obviously we focus with ourselves, but how do you start the conversation with somebody who you're not controlling?

Dr. Shefali (00:57:58):

Yes. So parents who are listening may be thinking, oh my goodness, I've missed it. I didn't know this. And they're sitting with regret or feeling blame and guilt and shame. Okay, I understand that the reason you have guilt and shame is because you're missing the power of this message, which I'm about to say. It's not about the past anymore.

(00:58:52):

Whenever i'm with my adult daughter now, and I want to control her, I always switch it to, if you're not curious about her, if you don't seek to understand her, zip your mouth.

(00:59:05):

I shifted to change your desire, to control, to fix, to opinionate, to sermonize, to lecture, to preach, to give a history Lesson. Two, be curious about your child. Show up as interested. Look at them as if they're the most amazing. Being. Every single bud of a child will blossom into a flower under that gaze. There's no human being. It may take time depending on the ravages of the wreckage of the past, but no human being will turn down from somebody who's looking at them as if they're the only person on earth. Now, if you begin to look at your child and give them that unconditional whole presence without tarnishing them, without seeking to fix, micromanage, do their hair, change their clothes, give them advice, they will blossom under your gaze. They will come to you like a flower to the sun. It is human nature. This is what we are seeking at the most desperate level. This is the reason why we go to our phones. So if you go beneath to the need, why are our children going to the phones? Why are we going to the phones? It's because it gives us safety. It gives us security. It allows us to check out for my anxiety. So now, if I can provide that for my child and for my loved ones, they will come to me. They will prefer me over the phone. But you have to become that energy. You have to become the energy greater than the phone. You have to be the dopamine hit bigger than the phone. You have to be the attractant larger than life. And I'm not saying wear a clown suit and do gymnastics and back wheels. You just have to show up with that unconditional curiosity and acceptance and validation and celebration of the other human being, and they will come to you.

Mel Robbins (01:00:44):

I love this. I love this within your power to shift yourself and to radiate something different. And I can see that I often in the past have led with, I'm going to criticize. I am going to try to control what you're doing. If I shift that to how can I be connected to you and how can I be curious about you? So lead with the curiosity and the connection. Let that radiate.

Dr. Shefali (01:01:14):

Yes. I tell every parent, when you are sitting with your child or another loved human being, check your energy. How are you showing up? You take care of how you are showing up the shine in your eyes, the tilt of your chin toward them, the unremitting gaze upon them. And if you keep aligning to that presence, sooner or later, the person in your presence will feel that energy and they will gravitate. They will be magnetized to you.

(01:01:48):

But you see, because we don't believe we have that inner power, we don't capitalize on it, right? So what I tell parents is so easy on one level, but also difficult on another because it requires the parent to believe they are the beacon. They are who the child wants. The child wants you. Your loved one wants you, but they want an uncontaminated you, a healed you a whole. Every human being wants to be in the presence of somebody who is whole. That's why we go to spiritual teachers because they've done that work. We feel free in their presence. So that's the calling that I want parents to rise to.

Mel Robbins (01:02:27):

I did this episode that was all about time and the passing of time, and how by the time that your kids are 18 years, old you've spent 90% of the time that you have with them. And I said during that episode that I'm really conscious about being present with our son Oakley, because he is a senior in high school and he is heading off to college, and I want to make the most of the time that I have with him and Dr. Shefali. It was like an avalanche hit our inbox. There are so many parents and there are adult children that listen to this show, and it was like this real kind of rallying cry about being present with the time that you have and just kind of the sense that it's really fleeting. So as somebody's listening to this and they're feeling like that window of time has passed, that kids have grown up their adults, they've moved on, and there's this sense of grief that you feel.

(01:03:38):

What is your advice to somebody that really is kind of thinking about what they didn't do or the time that was lost and how,

Dr. Shefali (01:03:46):

Yeah, it's so natural to ruminate about all that could have been and should have been, but it is another trap to take you out of the present moment. So while I have compassion for that, I typically wake parents up to say that time is not here in the present. The only moment of relevance is what we are doing here and now, but that's where our power lies. How can I align now? How can I make it work? Now I work with countless parents whose children have canceled them because some therapist tells them, stay away from your parents.

(01:04:20):

And they come to me grieving because they feel remorse, but they can't reach their children. And I tell the parents, you may not get the ideal relationship back, but nothing is stopping you from being the bastion of love and unconditional acceptance right here, right now. And the parent will say, but how my child blocks me or how my child refuses to see me, I say to them, there is always a way you can leave a note at the doorstep. You can send flowers every Sunday. You can cook a meal and leave it outside because you are not doing this unconditional love to receive something back. You're doing it to simply tell your child that you are in that state. We often think of love as a two-way street that, okay, I'll show you love as long as I get something back. But what I encourage all of us to do, but especially with our children, is don't love your children to get something back to post on Facebook. That your children come to you with every problem. That's for your ego. You love your children because you are the emblem of that. You radiate with that and let the universe do its work. So that is in our power again.

Mel Robbins (01:05:28):

Wow. It is so hard to just be love without the expectation of it being returned because I do think a lot of the pattern that's been passed down from generation to generation is the transactional nature of love that I am doing this for you. Therefore you must love me. I am paying for this. Therefore, you must behave a certain way. This sort of tit for tat as somebody's listening, there's a lot of listeners around the world who are seeking greater connection with their kids as they're moving through high school and into college and their young adults in their twenties. So right at the time where there's a biological imperative for your child to separate. Yes. What advice do you have for parents who are trying to be more connected with their adult kids as

Dr. Shefali (01:06:22):

The

Mel Robbins (01:06:23):

Kids really are craving their independence?

Mel Robbins (01:07:37):

Because holding onto somebody else not only robs you of somebody else flying into their destiny, it actually robs you of flying into yours.

Dr. Shefali (01:07:45):

Correct. Because it's not the authentic thing to do when the authentic thing to do is to release. And you are grasping both the one you're grasping and you shrivel and die. So are you ready for your next iteration? You don't even know who the next Mel is going to be. We all better watch out because you have no idea what is going to be birth within you when your last child leaves for college. Now, aren't you excited about that?

Mel Robbins (01:08:15):

Well now I am. Thank God Dr. Shefali is here. You see? Yes, I do. And one thing that I am curious about though, because I know that so many of our listeners are worried about somebody that they love who's struggling.

Dr. Shefali (01:08:33):

Yes.

Dr. Shefali (01:08:39):

Control? So here's the thing. When we see people in pain, our children, anyone, especially our children, it brings up all our own unprocessed issues with pain because we hate pain and we haven't truly befriended pain in our lives. Psychological pain exists in our life for one reason only. What is it we are resisting? The as is. What does that mean? We're fighting reality. My child is leaving for college. I'm panicking because I don't know who I am without my child. I don't like my partner, and this is going to bring all my couples issues to the fore, and I need my child to be around, or I have a terminal illness and I thought I was more special. I should not have a terminal illness or I got fired from a job and how could that happen to me? We are resisting reality in the here and now.

(01:09:31):

So when we keep resisting pain, pain becomes bigger. It doesn't go away. So what is pain here to teach you to surrender? When we surrender, we not only release the pain, the pain actually becomes shrunken. We expand into the next evolution. Now these sound like pretty words, but every human being who has been through pain will hear the resonance and echoes of wisdom in what I'm saying. For those who have not yet had the privilege of pain in their lives, I am not worried because pain comes to all. I tell my clients all the time, you are not ready because you're not in pain enough. So come back to me when there's more pain. Because when there's more pain, then the ego will be ready to release. Its dogmatism. I need to have it my way and I will release to the surrender of the isness.

Mel Robbins (01:10:31):

If there's somebody that's in a lot of psychological pain right now, and intellectually,

Dr. Shefali (01:10:38):

Yes,

Mel Robbins (01:10:39):

They get it, that this pain is here to teach me how to surrender.

Dr. Shefali (01:10:45):

Yes,

Mel Robbins (01:10:46):

How to accept what is. How to accept what isn't.

Dr. Shefali (01:10:49):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (01:10:50):

How to accept what is not in my control. How to discover my okayness.

Dr. Shefali (01:10:56):

Yes and ability. That's the next step though. So after the, okay, it's here to teach me. You just hit on the second

Mel Robbins (01:11:02):

Step, which is,

Dr. Shefali (01:11:04):

Oh my goodness, I have to now discover that I can be okay. Oh shit, I don't know how to do that because I've never been. Okay. That is the work. And so every difficult moment in life is about a marriage to your own deepest self and your own inner power, which is abundant within us, but we've been divorced from it. So pain is here, our children are here. The hardship in life is here to take you back to the wisdom that you can be okay no matter what. And that's a beautiful homecoming, isn't it?

Mel Robbins (01:11:44):

What is the first step to rebuilding a relationship with especially a child that's older, that you feel like you're really screwed up or you've grown apart from, or you just are like, you've been listening to you today and you're like, I want that back.

Dr. Shefali (01:12:03):

Yes. So first, just because you want it doesn't mean you're going to get it immediately. So when you truly awaken, you will stop wanting it to look a particular way. You will. Then the next step is take accountability, right? So write that letter, send that text saying, you know what? I have finally realized that your grandmother screwed me up and I'm so sorry. Just let your children know that you've been working on your shadow

(01:12:33):

And now you see how you have been unconscious and it may not land as authentic to your children at first, because children are always skeptical and they don't really believe us because we have so hoodwinked them so many times. It may take a while, but when you consistently show up in your own truth, in your own state of abundant love, maybe one day your child will be ready to come back into the fold. But if you rush it, if you dictate it, if you are hungry for it, you'll reset the same dysfunctional cycle Your child owes you nothing. Parents don't like when I say that your child owes you nothing. Your child owes no human being owes you anything. I know, I know. I'm sorry. Why is it

Mel Robbins (01:13:20):

Important to embrace the truth that your child owes you? Nothing.

Dr. Shefali (01:13:28):

No human owes us anything when we say someone else owes us something that is being said with authority, entitlement, ownership, possession, and we own or possess nobody, least of all our children. We only if at all barely own our own self. Right here, right now in this little moment. So this sounds disempowering. I know, but it's actually hugely liberating when you realize who the hell am I trying to control? The universe is going to continue on. I'm an irrelevant speck on the mode of a sunbeam. When I get that deeply, life becomes beautiful. It becomes Lila play a beautiful dance because you've released the need for validation significance from others and binding them to us. That's the greatest liberation.

Mel Robbins (01:14:33):

I do think that 90% of the stress and adjective that we cause ourselves is by trying to control other people and trying to get what we want out of life from the love and the validation and the respect by controlling other people. And what you're saying is when you start to live your life and tell yourself the truth, nobody owes me anything. My job is to awaken myself, to give myself the validation and the love to radiate the connection and the love that I want from other people, and then everything magically aligns with that. I want to talk a little bit just about boundaries because you had said we're not here to build walls, but boundaries are really important. So how do you set boundaries and how do you think about the difference between a wall versus a boundary?

Mel Robbins (01:15:28):

How so?

Dr. Shefali (01:15:30):

If I don't want you to drink that water,

(01:15:35):

The old self may think, oh, I'm going to tell her, can you please not drink that water? Can you please not drink that water? You don't not drink that water. Do you think you're I'm not thirsty. You don't tell me what to do Exactly, and then I'm going to want to drink the water. Correct. Then I'm going to be really upset. I'm like, I told you what I wanted. I made a boundary. I said it clearly because I'm deluded to think that I get to tell you in the way of a boundary. Okay, so what is a true boundary? I see you really need to drink that water. I think it's really unhealthy. You're going to have a huge bout of diarrhea. And too, I can't handle it because I'm just not able to watch that. So I'm going to leave right now.

Mel Robbins (01:16:15):

So your boundary is about your behavior and what you'll allow and what you won't and what you'll stay present for and what

Dr. Shefali (01:16:22):

You want. Correct. So how does it relate to children, right? I can't leave the toddler who's putting his fingers into everything. Cookie dough and toxic stuff. This is what you do. You take it away. You don't bring the cookies into the house instead of haranguing them every day. Don't eat the cookies, don't eat the cookies, don't eat the cookies. You become the boundary. So you have to think, oh, I just need to take away the wifi. Oh, I can do that. I have permission to do that in my own house. You know

Mel Robbins (01:16:54):

What? That would be the single best thing to do to get everybody off the

Dr. Shefali (01:16:57):

Phones. Yes. I should lie to my three-year-old daughter all the time that the park was closed in the evening, I was like, I'm so sorry. We can't go. The park is closed. So I created a boundary as in it's not me, can't go to the park or just take away the wifi and children don't understand. So you can make up things like, oh, I wouldn't eat that cake. It's really spicy. You may have to lie a little bit. You have to be creative. But what I'm basically saying is make it a condition in the house versus giving control to the other. When you keep begging the other to follow your boundary, you're actually disempowering yourself because you're holding them as the holders of your dignity of your control. You don't give your power to someone else. Don't be hostage to someone listening to you or not. I tell women all the time, this took me 40 years to realize myself. Oh, I have two legs for a reason. I can walk away. What a concept. So what that means is you create the conditions to rise. Don't ask another to follow or not follow. I

Mel Robbins (01:18:05):

Love this, that boundaries are about you and your own dignity and do not give it to somebody else to enforce your dignity. You have two legs for a reason to rise, take to walk out the door. If you don't have two legs, get in your wheelchair and wheel out the

Dr. Shefali (01:18:23):

Door. Or if every day, right, parents tell me, I'm fighting with my children every day. Okay, what are you fighting about? Well, because they just eat junk food. Okay, who bought the junk food? I did, but that's not the point. I'm like, okay, that is the point. Okay, I'm fighting with my kid every day because they won't get off the phone. Who got the phone? I did, but then they yell at me. Oh, so you can't handle that Or the tv. I mean, there are only four or five things that our kids obsess over. What are the four or five things that parents constantly come, oh my God, it's the same thing. It's so

Mel Robbins (01:18:53):

Repetitive. What is it?

Dr. Shefali (01:18:54):

Yeah, it's junk food, it's electronics and maybe a car that they're not yet ready to drive, but that's about it. And maybe money, which again, you have in your control. So we are not talking about a lot of stuff. Now when it goes to red flag behavior like drugs or drinking, then I don't play around. When it goes to red flag behaviors, we're not going to wait for the child to come to their own knowing. Yes. So parents need to understand what I'm talking about till now has been for behaviors that are not harmful, anything that harms them in a real detrimental way. I hold no bars. Right.

Dr. Shefali (01:19:57):

Yes. How do you handle that? Yeah, you do the both end. You say, you know what? I see this. My stomach can't take it. I know you may grow into the most beautiful butterfly from this, but I don't have the stamina. I don't have the guts. I don't have the, I can't do this. Please help me. Forgive me. I need to move away from this relationship right now. I love you. I'm here for you, but when you are with this person,

(01:20:23):

I cannot engage because I'll be lying to you. I'll be lying pretending that I'm here for you. Now, that's in the most toxic of environments in other situations, and we've all had this with our girlfriends. We don't just jump ship because we see them in trouble. We actually let them know we do the both end. I'm letting you know, but I'll stick around as long as I can. But if I feel like it's getting to a point where it's red flag, then I need to disconnect so that you miss me enough that you will sit with yourself to go within to ask, why did she leave me? I want to make you uncomfortable so that you can do the inner work. I don't want to go, but I see this is so harmful to you and you don't see it. So I'm going to extricate myself with love, but I'm always here. I'm just not going to be around this dynamic. It's really hard to do with finesse, but you have to make it very clear to your friend or your child, I love you. I'm not abandoning you. I'm abandoning my inability. I cannot handle this. So again, I create the boundary.

Mel Robbins (01:21:38):

I love this. I love this. It's very empowering. Not easy, not easy, but very empowering. And you can see how this can work because if you stay in the dynamic and you lie, it props the dynamic up.

Dr. Shefali (01:21:52):

You enable it.

Mel Robbins (01:21:53):

If you leave the dynamic and you make it clear that I love you, this is what I see, and I'm worried about you. I can't be a part of this dynamic, so I'm going to remove myself.

(01:22:05):

They're going to sit with it. Because your decision which is coming from your truth and you feeling empowered and you being present to love and connection,

Dr. Shefali (01:22:17):

Yes,

Mel Robbins (01:22:18):

Shifts everything about the dynamic.

Dr. Shefali (01:22:20):

Yes. Sometimes when I have a client who's in a relationship that's toxic or the client is engaging in self-harming behaviors, I have to most lovingly disconnect and say, I'm doing this because I love you. If I treated you, it would be inauthentic because I cannot treat you when you are under the delusion of a drug or in this toxic environment. I cannot release you to go home and you get battered every day. Although it looks like I'm being cruel, I'm actually letting you know what a red flag this is, that you need to wake up.

Mel Robbins (01:22:56):

I don't think it's cruel at all. I actually think this is the greatest act of love, to be honest with somebody about where you stand with them and what you're concerned about without controlling it.

Dr. Shefali (01:23:09):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (01:23:09):

Because only you can control your participation in this.

Dr. Shefali (01:23:12):

Yeah. And you're actually telling them that I know you have the potential to awaken. I am leaving you to your own awakening because I trust it. If I stay and lie, I'm not awakened. I am inauthentic, and I keep you in the mess of it, in the toxicity of it. I always tell couples when they're scared to leave a relationship, don't stay if you're inauthentic because you are, because you're actually stopping impeding the other person's capacity to be free and authentic themselves. 

Mel Robbins (01:24:01):

That's so true. So Dr. Shefali, you say that a midlife crisis can be a very good thing. Why

Dr. Shefali (01:24:07):

Any crisis, but especially those at midlife are potent invitations to the threshold of a new beginning. Why midlife? What happens at midlife is that we've checked off all the many of the things on the prescription list. That culture, our parents told us, if you do this and you do that and you're done, you have the children, you live in the neighborhood with the fit, you are going to be happy. And you're like, okay, I've done 37 of the 45 and happiness is not looking any closer. I'm actually in a worse place today with my four children, and I'm bankrupt and I'm not connected to my partner,

Mel Robbins (01:24:47):

Divorced, and I'm this.

Dr. Shefali (01:24:49):

Yeah. So wow. Now is the opportunity to realize that you were sold a lie that that prescription list that you were holding onto and checking off so valiantly and showing the world, you see me now, needs to be torn because it was all a mirage. It was a lie, it was a bag of goods. And now the invitation is to curate and create a life that is authentically designed by your inner knowing.

Mel Robbins (01:25:22):

If you've spent your whole life though, checking the list and following the prescription of society, which is everybody almost, which is everybody, yes. How the hell do you figure out what a life that's authentically yours based on your, how do you even know?

Dr. Shefali (01:25:37):

You don't have to really figure it out because your life will eventually fall apart because it's based on a prescription list. Therefore, it wasn't authentic. It is going to fall apart. It just happens more at midlife. You know why? Because our children, the youngest ones typically grow up into teenagers and use you as a chauffeur and a wallet, and you are no longer mommy or mother, and they don't like you very much because they've seen your bullshit. So that's when you go, holy cow, even my last child doesn't like me anymore. Now what? They're leaving the roost now what? Or I lost the 25 pounds. Now what? I have the fancy job now what? It's that. Now what that allows you to ask what now to come into the now. So it is going to happen whether you like it or not. Either you beckon it, invite it, embrace it, and celebrate it, or it'll happen to you because we've mostly been living inauthentically. An inauthentic life cannot sustain itself. It will fall apart and it should fall apart. What is falling apart is the ego. That is a good thing to dissolve. But we get terrified because then the next question is the deadly question. Okay, then who am I? But for the first time, you are asking it naked, raw, transparent, true. And now it'll answer itself. The asking of the question is the direction toward the answer. But we are so scared to ask that we keep pretending we know.

Mel Robbins (01:27:14):

Well, I think it's also terrifying when you do ask, who am I? And you don't know.

Dr. Shefali (01:27:20):

You're not supposed to know. See, the thing is when we came as children, we were supposed to discover and unfold into our knowing. But because our parents had all this anxiety and needed to micromanage and puppeteer and be the chorus conductor, they conducted us and said, no, you will be a musician and a basketball player. You will go to this school. You will be this kind of scientist or engineer. So they gave us the prescription. So all that we've been to now is actually not our true self because we were never allowed to discover it. So now when things fall apart and you ask, who am I? Of course you're not supposed to know because now begins the process that you should have been allowed to do in your childhood, but you were never allowed. So you are reparenting yourself now. You are meant to dissolve, to then start again authentically

Mel Robbins (01:28:19):

Knowing that the person listening. So wants to take that invitation and will want something to do.

Dr. Shefali (01:28:28):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (01:28:28):

Is there a journal exercise or something that you could wake up and do every morning that might help you practice being more conscious and connected to yourself that will help you in this inquiry of Who am I?

Dr. Shefali (01:28:44):

So there are three layers. The first one is a mental decision and a declaration. To now look at yourself as a seeker of your own authentic truth. First, you have to decide, oh, okay. I thought my life was about being a perfect parent or being really, or traveling the world. Oh, now I see that it is about being a seeker of my own authentic truth and power. First, you have to decide to become a seeker. So first is mental. The next thing is a psychological excavation, which means bringing yourself to see your relationships as mirrors to the relationship you have with yourself. So really begin to see it awaken to it on the psychological level. Oh my goodness, I'm recreating that dynamic here. Oh my goodness, it wasn't my boss, it was me. And then the third most important effective strategy is you have to learn meditation. Now, people think meditation is religious or it's not. It is the practice of being present. Minding your mind, mindfulness in the here and now, because every time you bring yourself back into the here and now, you not only become more present, you actually begin to let go the cravings that you were clinging onto. My kid needs to get an A grade. Oh, let me bring myself back to the present. Why does my kid need to get an A grade? I don't know. Because culture told me that a grade will bring happiness.

(01:30:15):

So that constant reflection, the pause, the examination, the deconstruction, these sound like boring, unglamorous things, but this is the practice.

Mel Robbins (01:30:26):

I don't think it sounds boring at all. It actually feels like it's a deeper way to live.

Dr. Shefali (01:30:32):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (01:30:32):

And I want to make sure that the way that you just described the meditation, which isn't what I thought it was going to be, because when you said meditation, I thought you meant, okay, I got to sit down and observe my thoughts for 15 minutes. But what you actually just said is in this inquiry, when you notice that you're starting to control, when you notice you're jumping to the future, when you notice that you're starting to get activated, come back into the present moment and ask yourself, why does this bother me? Why is this? Why do I need to control this? And it's in the seeking of that answer that you discover, the ability to let go, to be present, and to understand who you really are.

Dr. Shefali (01:31:18):

Yes. And that's why I said the first step is to commit to now, from this moment on to being in this laboratory of life, this experimental play field to dance within, to discover yourself, you have to decide that everything here now is about me discovering my authentic self. So therefore, everyone is a teacher. Everyone is a gift because I am now going to extricate my own authentic self. From this moment, I'm going to do that. So I no longer need you to complete me. I'd like it, but I don't no longer obsess over it or control it or die without it. I would like it, but I'm now going to use this moment to complete myself. And that declaration, that commitment to seeing life as a constant reminder to come back to the self is the most beautiful gift. And our children, why do I focus on children? Because they by living in the present, by being unencumbered, by being in their raw state of essence, unscripted, unprescribed, unconditioned remind us, oh, there's another way to live. And these are my teachers. How do I become an unconditioned human being? Without the prescriptions of culture? Children are that raw reflection of our truest potential.

Mel Robbins (01:32:51):

So beautiful. Dr. Shefali, if the person listening who I can just feel you as you're taking us on a walk, or you're having us with you in your car, or you're at home and you're kind of now probably sitting down and contemplating all this, 

Dr. Shefali (01:33:25):

Be? Well, it would be that no matter how difficult your life is right now, no matter how no one is following the script and working according to your fantasy, no matter how challenged you are, I promise you there is an invitation here for you to lean in to find something that actually you are missing in this moment. So they are acting out and they are not listening to you, and they are being rude or disrespectful for you to discover something. If you can realize that you will be excited, you will be explorative. You'll be curious. So lean into that. Ask this question. What is this moment here to show me about my unhealed self? Please show me. I'm awake. I'm listening. I'm ready to evolve.

Mel Robbins (01:34:23):

Absolutely extraordinary. What are your parting words, Dr. Shefali?

Dr. Shefali (01:34:28):

That parenting, whether you are a real parent to a child or to your own inner child, is your sacred task. It's a sacred gift to parent your own inner child or to parent those around you. So use this relationship to yourself and to others as the ladder, as the journey toward your authentic freedom. You are here on this earth to experience your wholeness. It is present within you. Each one of us is whole. We are just disconnected from that. So these relationships are here to remind you that you can access a whole and liberate itself. You have the power.

Mel Robbins (01:35:20):

Dr. Shefali, it has been such a remarkable honor and privilege to spend time with you today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. Thank you for everything that you shared. It really has changed me.

Dr. Shefali (01:35:38):

Thank you for everything you do in the world as well.

Mel Robbins (01:35:41):

And I want to thank you for taking time with us today and for spending time listening or watching something that will truly not only help you create a better life, but there is an invitation that was extended to you today, a beautiful, generous invitation for you to wake up and lean into a deeper relationship with yourself and to unlock this tremendous power that you have to experience life and every relationship that you have in a whole new way. And I truly, truly hope that you will take everything that Dr. Shefali just poured into you, and you will use it to empower yourself because you deserve that. And in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to go wherever you are right now in your moment, to go deeper into the experience of your own life, and to start learning how to love and validate and be connected to yourself as the source for absolutely everything in your life. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days. Hey, thank you so much for watching this episode with me here on YouTube. If you loved this one, I know you're going to love this episode right here with Dr. Sanguan, where we talked about why you're a people pleaser and how your parents turned you into one without you even knowing. I'll see you there.