Episode: 151

5 Things Only Fake Friends Do & How to Let Go of What No Longer Serves You

with Trent Shelton

Do you have the right people in your life?

In order to find more joy and less stress, you need positive relationships with people that actually cheer you on, that believe in your potential, and that make your life better.

Join Mel and bestselling author Trent Shelton, loved by 15 million followers for his wisdom and inspiration.

In this episode, you’ll learn exactly how to find those people, tap into your inner strength, and create more peace in your life.

Listen on:

You tell people how to treat you by what you accept.

Trent Shelton

Featured Clips

Transcript

Mel Robbins (00:00:00):

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and have you ever wondered whether or not you're surrounded by the right people? I mean, stop and think about it. Maybe your life is harder than it needs to be, and it's not you. That's the problem. It's the people that you're hanging out with that are holding you back. Are you ready? I'm ready. I cannot wait. This is going to be inspirational Firepower. We got Trent Shelton in the house. Let's start the Mel Robbins podcast. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Trent Shelton (00:00:33):

That's the thing, Mel, when you start to change for the better, people say, oh, you change. I'm like, of course. That's what I'm supposed to do. I always say I trust people for who they are. The problem is we trust people for who we want them to be. If people want to call me Coldhearted, I would rather be viewed as coldhearted than live broken hearted, and I'm not going to break my heart continuing to be misused. Time and time again, you're going to meet a version of yourself in the future, whether that future is a year from now, 10 years from now, and that version depends on the choices that you make. Do you want to die unhappy?

Mel Robbins (00:01:14):

He was fantastic. He was amazing.

(00:01:21):

Hey, your friend Mel, and I'm so excited to talk to you today. And the reason why I'm so excited is because I want to give you and me permission to take a very critical look at the people that you surround yourself with. Are they helping you move your life forward or are they keeping you standing still?

Mel Robbins (00:01:38):

The fact is your relationships have the single biggest impact on the quality of your life. I'm not making this up. This is so well researched. In fact, if you look at the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is the single most detailed study about the wellbeing of human beings of all time, it is so clear that positive relationships have the biggest impact on creating a positive life. But here's the deal. If you're surrounded by the wrong people, it is devastating to your happiness and it robs you of all of the potential that is available to you in your life.

(00:02:14):

And that's why I have invited my dear friend, Trent Shelton, to join you and me on the podcast today to talk about this. Here's one of my favorite quotes from Trent. At some point in your life, you get tired of unhealthy connections, whether it be people or things. And as you grow, certain things become intolerable to your liking, and that's okay. But what you're going to learn today is it's more than okay to outgrow people. It's critical to identify unhealthy connections and learn how to protect your peace, create more positive relationships so that you can grow. In fact, protect your piece is the name of Trent's new bestselling book. After his football career, Trent took to inspiring people online, he now has 15 million followers, reaches over 60 million people a week, and he has an impassioned plea. Wake up and claim your power to change your life. So whether you are listening today for yourself or you're listening for a loved one who you're going to share this with because they need the reminder, here is what you're going to learn. You must protect your energy from the things that drain it. You must protect your mind from the things that distract you and protect your soul from the things that no longer fulfill you. So without further ado, please help me welcome my friend Trent Shelton to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Trent Shelton (00:03:38):

What up, Mel? How you doing? What up? I love

Mel Robbins (00:03:41):

You. That's a lot that you've done in your life.

Trent Shelton (00:03:46):

Yeah, I mean, it's been a long journey just with a lot of stuff.

Mel Robbins (00:03:51):

You've changed a lot, a lot. Trent, one of the things that you always say is you say that the number one thing that stands in the way of creating a more positive life is that so much is robbing you of your peace.

Trent Shelton (00:04:07):

For sure.

Mel Robbins (00:04:08):

What is the biggest barrier for people in terms of creating a more powerful and positive life?

Trent Shelton (00:04:13):

I would say the main thing, Mel, I know in my life for people, it's been what surrounds your life. So many times in my life, when I look at my circle, whether me playing in NFL, whether me doing what I'm doing now, when I had the wrong environment around me, it drained me. It kept me from my peace. I didn't feel energized, but when I got around the right people, it truly helped me. So I would tell, look at your circle, look at your environment. I think that's the main barrier from keeping you from where you want to go and what you want to do with your life.

Mel Robbins (00:04:43):

So for somebody that's never even thought about this, what does it feel like? Or how do you even know if you're surrounded by the wrong people?

Trent Shelton (00:04:52):

The first thing I would tell 'em is how do you feel when you're in the right environment around the right people? I always say this, you never have to question anything that's real. So if you have so many questions about are these people for me? Is this environment for me, then you probably got your answer. Does this person love me? If all you had to offer was friendship, who would still be around? And that's a question I asked myself. And it exposed a lot to me because I knew if I just had friendship, I would lose a lot. A lot of people were around me because of what's surround me. They didn't love Trent for the heart of who I am. They didn't love Trent for the human. They loved Trent because of what Trent could provide. And so when you lose those benefits, you'll often will see somebody's true loyalty to you.

(00:05:43):

So I love to say when a benefit ends, that's when a loyalty stops. And so if you're drained, if you're empty, if you're always questioning things, if you're not fulfilled, you don't have peace in your life, that means that people around you aren't right. And sometimes it's family, sometimes it's friends that you knew for years. But for myself, I refuse to allow the history to keep me in the misery. It's so hard because I knew this person since elementary or I knew this person for five or 10 years. I can't let go of this person. But just because who they were in their past to you doesn't mean they're going to be that in your future. And so that's helped me make decisions moving forward with my life when it became hard to let go of certain people that I didn't want to let go of, but I to

Mel Robbins (00:06:27):

Can already feel the person that's taking a walk with us right now or listening in their car going, oh God,

Trent Shelton (00:06:35):

I know exactly who you're talking about in my life. Trent, I want to go a little bit deeper because I personally think, Trent, that so many of us go through our lives and we're not even aware that it could feel different. And here you're somebody that was in the NFL, and I would imagine that when you left your football career, that was probably a tipping point where you're like, wait a minute. There's a lot of people that were around me when they could say they were friends with somebody in the NFL,

(00:07:04):

For sure.

Mel Robbins (00:07:05):

But now that I'm not doing that, is that what you mean by benefits? And can you help somebody that has never even considered, wait a minute, are these people my friends? How do I even know?

Trent Shelton (00:07:17):

Yeah, I mean when I say benefits, it's what you have to give. So I'll give a perfect example.

Trent Shelton (00:07:26):

When you say no, that's when you'll see how somebody really feels about you. And if no changes the relationship, then I would like to say that relationship wasn't real in the first place. So when I started saying, no, AKA, the benefits, Hey, now I want to go out to dinner tonight. Now we're not going to the club now. I'm not going to pay for it.

(00:07:46):

I'm not going to do it. And you saw the energy shift. You saw side conversations about me, how I've changed, because that's the thing, Mel, when you start to change for the better, people say, oh, you changed. I'm like, of course that's what I'm supposed to do. But what changed is the position that I had in your life. So no longer can I be the person that you can use, no longer can I be the person that allows non reciprocation, meaning that if I give it, I expect to receive it.

(00:08:20):

If I'm giving you support, I expect you to give me some support in some type of way. It doesn't have to be the same. And so once I saw that these friendships were a one way street, I had to bring it to a dead end because friendships and relationships should always be a two way street. And if it's not, you got to look at your life and say, okay, I need to change these people's position in my life. It doesn't mean that you kick 'em out your life and remove them, but sometimes you have to learn how to love people from a distance. And that's hard,

Mel Robbins (00:08:49):

Very hard.

Trent Shelton (00:08:50):

But I had to do that, and that truly gave me more peace in my life.

Mel Robbins (00:08:54):

Well, I'm sitting here thinking just this fact that you just said, which is as you grow the role that people play in your life is going to change. And I can think about for myself personally, that as I've really worked on myself and I got out of that habit of constantly complaining about what was going on, and I just put my head down and got to work, I started to notice that the people that I used to spend a lot of time sitting around complaining about my life to the position of their friendship and relationship change because I didn't want to spend my time doing that anymore.

Trent Shelton (00:09:27):

That's right.

Mel Robbins (00:09:28):

As I stopped partying as much as I used to, that's a big one. Chris doesn't really drink at all. And when you stop prioritizing going out every weekend, spending money on that kind of stuff, you also start to notice that there are friendships that you have that are all around that type of life or that chapter of your life. But when you start to prioritize your health or some side hustle that the position changes. Wow. What's one of the hardest things that you've had to do as you've started to realize, wow, this person's only in my life because they're used to getting something from me that I was used to giving to people? Here we go

Trent Shelton (00:10:10):

So many times thinking like which time? But I would have to say, I learned this in high school once I, and it's hard sometimes, Mel, when you're the person that is the success out the group. Even in high school I had a group of friends and obviously we all wanted to make it division one football player,

(00:10:32):

And I was the one that made it and they didn't. And as I started to get recognition, they started to change on me. One of 'em even tried to talk to my girlfriend behind my back. I'm like, come on, bro. And a lot of rumors and things that were said around people that I loved and cared about would do anything for, and these are the same people that I would say, man, we all had this goal. And just because I made it, I made it. We all make it. And so I realized at that point in my life that wait a minute, if you can't be happy for my happiness, that's a problem. If my success makes you bitter, that's a problem. Because a true friend, they will be more happy for you than you are for yourself. A true friend. You got to say, Hey, chill out. I know you're telling the world. I know you're excited, but don't do that. But that's what a true friend is. And so in that moment I realized, oh, these aren't people that are really for me. These are people that have me in their life for their convenience. Whatever that convenience is, like you said, maybe it's the party, maybe it's the popularity, maybe it's me always being there for them. And when I removed that convenience, I said, oh man. And it was tough because these were people that literally I would almost die for.

Mel Robbins (00:11:49):

In listening to this story, I'm going to share something because I think a lot of you listening will see yourself in Trent that you are working side by side with a group of people. And I think this happens in a lot of instances. You're going for division one with dreams of making it to the NFL and being a professional player and you're the one that breaks out.

Trent Shelton (00:12:13):

That's right.

Mel Robbins (00:12:14):

But people have that where you've got friends and you've always dreamt of having a family and raising families together, and then all of a sudden somebody finds their person first and they're getting married first or they're the ones having the family first. And you start to feel like you're getting left in the dust. And so in some area of your life, whether it's in your career or sports or just personal experiences and goals, you've probably been in entrenched shoes.

Trent Shelton (00:12:41):

Yeah

Mel Robbins (00:12:41):

Trent, you say there are four types of people you can't be friends with. What's the first one?

Trent Shelton (00:12:45):

You can't be friends with the person that wants your life. And as a human, it's natural. I feel like to have an emotion of jealousy a little bit.

Mel Robbins (00:12:54):

But

Trent Shelton (00:12:54):

When jealousy turns into envy, I think that's when it becomes a problem.

Mel Robbins (00:12:57):

Yes,

Trent Shelton (00:12:57):

I always say envy is jealousy, unchecked. And I want to say this too, Mel, you can want somebody's life in a positive way. You can look at that happy marriage and say, you know what? I want that for myself. You can look at that person succeeding in business. I want that for myself. But when it becomes toxic and a problem is when you feel like you deserve the life that they have when you don't know what they suffer through, what they've been through, when you don't know how much work that they put in, and you start to feel like their blessings are meant for you. I call it counting people's blessings. It's almost like counting someone's pocket

Mel Robbins (00:13:34):

When

Trent Shelton (00:13:34):

You look in somebody's pocket and say, I should get the money that they're making.

(00:13:38):

But you don't know the sacrifices that they put in. And so what happens is, I've seen this happen in relationships where you have the friend that I don't know if I should say, but you have the friend that is trying to put doubts in your mind about your marriage, and they plant seeds of doubt. They plant seeds of, oh, you're better for somebody else, or That person isn't good enough for you. And there's times when a divorce happened or a broken relationship happened, and then that person ends up getting with the person that you were married to or that you were in a relationship with. So there's some people out there that will do anything to ruin your life. And to the people watching this, maybe even teenagers or college athletes or you're in a position at work, be careful because somebody that wants your life, what I call trick you out of your position, they will put you in a compromising situation so you get caught up so they can get your position. So my dad always told me, he said, Trent, I know this sounds rude, but you only hang around people who have as much to lose as you.

(00:14:38):

And what he was saying was, if you're around a group of friends that aren't the athlete that aren't successful,

Mel Robbins (00:14:45):

Guess

Trent Shelton (00:14:45):

Who's going to be in the paper? Not them.

Mel Robbins (00:14:47):

You. That's right.

Trent Shelton (00:14:48):

And so at a young age, but you got to be careful for those people that really want your life in a negative way.

Mel Robbins (00:14:57):

That's powerful stuff right there. I don't think we think about that. I'm the kind of person that goes through life thinking everybody has the best intentions, even though I know that when I was much younger and I hadn't done the work that I've done, that

Mel Robbins (00:15:12):

I was very insecure and I did engage in toxic patterns of behavior. And I wish I hadn't been like that. But I think it's so awesome that you are really diving into this. What are some of the other types of people that you really want to stay away from? What's the second person?

Trent Shelton (00:15:30):

You can't be friends with a person that's a terrible person. Birds of a feather flock together. As much as you want to say, no, I'm not like them, or I'm not like that. If you hang around it, the perception and people say, oh, perception doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to an extent because there's some opportunities that won't find you because of what's surround you. They look at your life and they look at what you're around. I've seen this happen in college sports all the time. Oh, he hangs around those group of kids. He has to be like them. And so there's times in my life where I knew opportunities didn't come to me, not because I was a bad person or a bad kid. It's because I was around an environment that scared those opportunities away. I'll say it like this, Mel,

Mel Robbins (00:16:10):

Say it.

Trent Shelton (00:16:12):

Don't be friends with somebody that you wouldn't want to trade places with. And I would stand on that character wise, mindset wise.

Trent Shelton (00:16:22):

If you don't want to trade places with them, why are you around them? Because mindsets are very contagious.

Mel Robbins (00:16:29):

Well, you know that quote that they say that you are the average of the five people you hang around with. I actually don't think it's the average. I think the lowest common denominator in that group is what everybody sinks to.

Trent Shelton (00:16:40):

That's right.

Mel Robbins (00:16:41):

And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be compassionate and supportive of people in your life that are struggling and that are trying to grow through things. But I think what Trent is really trying to get you to realize is that your time and your energy and your peace are the most important commodities that you have. And how you spend your time and energy and who you give it to is an asset, and it is critical that you start to take it more seriously. Are the people that you spend the majority of your time with actually headed in the same direction? Do they have goals? Are they making you think bigger or are they gossiping and dragging you down and having small mind conversations? So thank you. How do you know if somebody's terrible? I mean, other than just like a gut check. You know what I'm saying?

Trent Shelton (00:17:32):

Watch how they treat the people who can't do anything for 'em. So I'm always looking at not how you treat me, because especially when you're in a position, they're going to treat you a certain way. But I watch how you treat other people that cannot do a thing for you. I watch how you treat other people who have done a lot for you. And so I look at that. So if you're treating other people wrong, no matter how good you treat me, I'm not going to be around that.

Mel Robbins (00:17:57):

That's true. I also love what you're saying about, you said this thing about not trading places with somebody. And I want to make sure that as you're listening, what Trent's talking about is character.

Trent Shelton (00:18:08):

That's right.

Mel Robbins (00:18:09):

That character is where you really need to focus because that's where you're going to see the truth about somebody. Trent, I love everything you're saying. I want to take a quick break so we can hear a word from our sponsors, but don't you dare go anywhere because Trent is just getting started and when we come back, he's going to share the other two type of people that you can't be friends with. And a little bit later we're going to get into three steps to better boundaries and what to do when people in your life aren't happy for you. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins, and you and I are hanging out with Trent Shelton and holy cow, Trent is giving us a masterclass on protecting your peace, creating more positive relationships. He says There are four kinds of people that you cannot be friends with. Number one, the person who wants your life. Number two, a terrible person.

Mel Robbins (00:18:57):

So Trent, what is the third type of person that you can't be friends with?

Trent Shelton (00:19:02):

You can't be friends with a person that gossips. Anybody can smile on your face. Anybody can give you compliments. And the best way you identify this, if you're a person that talks about your friends to me, then I know you're talking about me behind my back. So I understand that right now. So some of us, we love to hear gossip, we love to hear things in drama, but understand if those private conversations that someone has trusted that person with becomes public information, then that person is probably talking about you behind your back. You better understand that they're doing the same to you. So be very careful about who you tell your business to, especially when you know this person runs their mouth. I always say I trust people for who they are. The problem is we trust people for who we want them to be. So if you're a gossiper, I trust you to be a gossiper. So I can't get mad if I give you some private stuff and you tell everybody I knew who you were. If you're a liar, I expect you to lie and it's okay. So you have to understand that somebody's bringing negativity about other people that you know that they care about. Then what do you think they're doing behind your back?

Mel Robbins (00:20:15):

Exactly the same thing I Trent, one of the things I love about our friendship is that you have such a huge heart and a big mind. And the thing that you need to know about Trent is the man never talks about other people. He is always talking about ideas. He's talking about his family, he's talking about business, he's talking about dreams, he's talking about the impact. And one thing that I really value in a friendship is somebody that does talk about ideas and their family rather than talking about other

Trent Shelton (00:20:51):

People.

Mel Robbins (00:20:52):

And you do that through and through and through.

Mel Robbins (00:20:55):

And what's the fourth person?

Trent Shelton (00:20:56):

You can't be friends with the person that's friends with your enemies,

Mel Robbins (00:21:00):

But how do you know who your enemies are? Seriously? Because they're usually like sneaky and crafty, dude.

Trent Shelton (00:21:06):

Yeah. So this one's deep. There's obviously obvious enemies

(00:21:13):

That, and honestly, I respect those. I respect the people who I know don't like me. I do. I respect it. I respect people online that say, Trent, I hate your guts. I respect it because at least I know where you stand. Now when it comes to the frenemies, this seems very earthy to say as I would say, but you have to trust their energy. When you give something you're excited about, trust their energy, are they excited? Do they change the conversation and making about them? Do they put more doubts in your life? Do they put more fears in your life? Do you get information that they're talking about you behind your back?

(00:21:53):

They're silent enemies. And sometimes it's the people that you love the most that sometimes you can trust the least. Sometimes it's your best friend that doesn't want the best for you. And so again, if you always have to question this, why don't they ever show up for me? I told a friend this, I said, always, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I said, I appreciate that, but if you're proud of me, why don't you ever take the time out to support me? Because I like the words, I'm proud, but at some point there should be actions.

(00:22:27):

I'm having events for free. You're in the city. Have you ever listened to the book or the podcast? You ever liked the post? So if you're that proud of me, like you say, it would show in some form of fashion. Not saying you have to be my biggest cheerleader, but if you're that proud of me, you would take the time out to support me. So look around, because sometimes your greatest support system doesn't come from familiar faces. And it's okay. Sometimes, as I say, God will play stranger in life to take you to higher places, and I had to realize that. And so with these enemies, the obvious ones are the things that do all these things behind your back, but it's the ones that you feel their energy, that and discernment, that just something isn't right.

Mel Robbins (00:23:10):

Yeah, I think you tend to notice that in periods where you're changing and growing because whatever it is that you're changing and growing and doing in this next chapter of your life, the person knows they're not going with you and it's confronting to them.

(00:23:28):

That's right. I've had very similar experiences where people, I would've called friends, no congratulations on anything, never read a book, never listened to anything. And it's sort of one of those things where you almost dismiss it, but it's okay. But if you really think about it, you want the kind of people around you that are celebrating with you and also crying with you. And one of the things that I'm thinking a lot about is you're talking Trent, is that this idea that oftentimes it's not the familiar faces that are your loudest supporters, that it's people that you are new friends with or complete stranger. And you got to remember every one of your best friends began as a stranger.

Trent Shelton (00:24:21):

That's right.

Mel Robbins (00:24:21):

The person that you're dating and married to began as a stranger. And I think a lot about this test. I wonder if you use this test,

Mel Robbins (00:24:32):

It's easy for me to share what's going wrong with people, but I am highly selective about who I share wins with. And it's made me realize that my circle of people that I truly trust is so small because there aren't a lot of people that I feel comfortable calling and being like, oh my gosh, this is going on and that's going on. I mean, certainly our friend group that we text in because we're all kind of doing the same thing and we're really supportive of one another. But aside from my family, I don't tell a lot of people about the wins. And I think that's kind of sad. And I don't know if I really have to dig deep. I think it's because I'm afraid that if I'm celebrating myself, people are going to judge me as arrogant or do the old eye roll, that kind of thing. Do you ever worry about that? A

Trent Shelton (00:25:29):

Thousand percent? I'm afraid at times it makes people uncomfortable

(00:25:35):

And it changes someone's viewpoint of who you may be. But I do know not celebrating your wins almost becomes a burden. And I had that happen with me so much. I would keep my wins, my victories, my celebration, silent, and I would become very deflective and change the subject, oh, it's all right. Yeah, I sold a hundred thousand books or whatever. Oh, okay, whatever. And I wasn't appreciating it. And what you don't appreciate, I don't think it will duplicate. I don't think it will grow. You start to feel as I would say, just in a prison and what you're doing. And like you said, that should tell you a lot about who you're around. If you can't talk about your wins, my best friend, I can talk about any win, and he's happy, he's hitting me up before I even know certain things. You know what I mean? And that's the type of people that you want to be around in your life. And when it comes to circle, the truth is I wish that everybody can have this huge circle, but I do know this is true, and maybe you can relate. When my circle got smaller, my vision got clearer,

(00:26:40):

Less became more. JC says it best in one of his songs, he said, there's not many of us. And he said, but still there's plenty of us. Because sometimes it's the bigger the circle, the more drama, the more confusion, the more gossip. But as you tend to shrink down, you create this energy, you create this congruency, you create these mindsets. And I believe mindsets are more powerful than anything. Loyalty. Strength, I don't believe is shown in numbers. Strength is shown in loyalty. You can have a million people, but if you have 10, 20 loyal people, that's all the strength that you need. So don't be afraid that, oh, I don't have a lot of people. It's okay, you can always grow. But I know that's changed my life. When I trim the fat and I

Mel Robbins (00:27:32):

Trim the fat, listen to you.

Trent Shelton (00:27:34):

When I trim the fat in, I created more muscle by making my circle smaller. Not because I wanted to, not because I want to isolate, and everybody's bad. That's not my message. But it's like I want congruency. And if I have 2, 3, 20, 30, as long as that congruency, we can make a powerful impact and a powerful change.

Mel Robbins (00:27:52):

There's so many incredible things that you are saying. And so just thank you for not only going deep, but talking about how your life has changed by thinking about a smaller circle that's aligned energy and mindset and vision wise.

Mel Robbins (00:28:12):

And for those of you that are listening, particularly in your twenties, you're going to be 40. I'm 55. I'm like, I can't believe I'm that old. I literally cannot believe that I am double nickels, dude. But I think this is something that you learn with age that in your twenties and in college, everybody like roams and packs and big groups. And as you start to get a little bit older, you start to see and experience the wisdom in what Trent is saying, and that there is so much power in finding a smaller group of people that in this chapter of your life are vibe in at the same energy and that are aligned in terms of vision and mindset. And I wanted to just share a little bit because I bet you have some wisdom on this too, to really pull apart reasons why people that are closest to you may struggle with being happier for you.

(00:29:13):

And being somebody that can admit that I was that person. I really struggled with envy. I really struggled with jealousy. I had a very scarce mindset, Trent, particularly when Chris and I were struggling financially so much, and I felt like none of my friends were struggling. I was the only one that was really going through it and hiding it. And my mindset became so fricking small. Their success is somehow robbing me of my success that their happiness or their good relationship, I couldn't see it in that darkness as an example, that it was possible for me. And I want to dive a little bit deeper into why people that love you can really struggle with supporting you. And one of the things that I know for me personally is I wasn't happy. I was having a very hard time and I didn't know what to do. And it became easier to put my attention and negativity kind of at somebody else and aim it at them instead of turning it back inward at myself and saying, alright, you're in this mess. Whatcha going to do about it? Mel, have you ever been in that position in your life?

Trent Shelton (00:30:34):

I'll say this off top in my life, when I got cut from the NFL, that was the lowest. I was a hater at that point in my life. I didn't want to see anybody win. It was everybody else's fault. It was my parents' fault for not making me fast enough. It's everybody's fault. I was finding every reason to justify that I just wasn't good enough at the time, or there was something more for my life. I didn't realize that. But the thing that I would say for a lot of people is that sometimes we think the best way to heal our pain is to give pain. And for me, if I can make people feel like I feel, then I'm not lonely. No more misery loves company. So your happiness, it offends me because I'm not happy because I feel I deserve that life. So when I was at home and watching Peyton Manning or all these guys on tv, I'm like, oh, Peyton Manning is not that good. Oh, he's not. No, the receivers aren't that good because I wasn't happy. And this is funny, but it's true. Have you ever met a happy hater?

Mel Robbins (00:31:37):

No,

Trent Shelton (00:31:37):

You haven't.

(00:31:39):

You don't have time for it. You don't have time for it. And so that was my issue, that I was not happy. I lost something that I truly cared about. I felt like my life was over. And so what do I do now? I'll just bring other people down to join my misery. And so I had to look in the mirror and say, listen, this is not getting you nowhere deflecting and living life like this. It's everybody's fault. It's going to keep you in the same place. So the words, it all starts with you. That's where it came from. I said, Trent, your change starts with you. Point the thumb at yourself, accepting change. This is over. Okay, let's create something new. Don't turn into a person that you're not, because oftentimes when we get hurt, we turn into the hurt that something or someone else gave us, and I have to heal from that. And so yeah, I would think number one is they aren't happy with their own life. And I think it starts there. If you're not happy with your own life, how could you ever be happy for someone else? You can't give what's not inside you to give.

Mel Robbins (00:32:38):

It's so true.

Mel Robbins (00:32:40):

What turned it around for you? Because you're literally like the most positive dude I know. I mean, everybody's hanging on every word. 15 million people a day. Trent,

Trent Shelton (00:32:52):

Y'all catch me my good moments.

Mel Robbins (00:32:53):

Oh, you stop. Pass it on, pass it on. Do you need to hear this? Pass it on. Trent.

Trent Shelton (00:32:58):

What changed my life was my son Tristan, because I knew that was the first moment in my life where I felt a responsibility. And listeners, you might not have a kid or you might not have somebody directly that you say, oh, this person is going to follow me. But you're a leader. You are a leader. You're a leading somebody somewhere at some time to some place. And the question is, where are you leading them to? And so for me, when I looked at my life, I said, I don't want Tristan to follow this path. I don't want him to see his daddy as this person. So I said, if I can't change for me, let me change for him. So that took me looking in the mirror and faces some truth and making some changes about my life, some things that I didn't want to change, some things that I didn't want to bring back up, some conversation that I didn't want to have.

(00:33:45):

But I love my son more than I love myself at that time. I still love him, but I love myself a lot too. But I want to give him a better life. And it started with me facing the truth because I'm a future thinker guy, and I always think about the future. Trent, what would the future, Trent, and I'll put this on you, what would the future you tell you and that future you is the greatest you and the future? Trent told me, if you keep living this life, you're going to get to 80, 80, 90, 70 with regret, and you're going to look back and wish that you would've made the changes that you know needed to make. And so that always scares me. If I'm fearful of anything, it's that because that produces regret. And I believe regret is the greatest poison to his soul. So that's what made me want to change. Was my son something bigger than me?

Mel Robbins (00:34:34):

If somebody doesn't have a person that comes to mind, how would you coach somebody to take that wisdom around regret and apply it to themselves? Right now, somebody who's 22 graduated from college or maybe didn't go to college, and I was like, I don't even know what to do with my life. How do you harness the future you to come into this moment and give you a Trent Shelton pep talk?

Trent Shelton (00:35:07):

Yeah, I would tell you that you're going to meet a version of yourself in the future. Whether that future is a year from now, 10 years from now, you're going to meet a version. And that version depends on the choices that you make. Do you want to meet a version that's even more sad or more depressed or more miserable than you are right now? Because if you don't change anything, that's what's going to happen. And I'll even take it this far. Do you want to die unhappy? Do you want to die miserable? And for myself, I'd said no.

Trent Shelton (00:35:35):

And so you have to be able to take the change and make the choice to change right now. And you might not have it all figured out. Okay, start with something small. For me, it was rehab time. And rehab time wasn't me being a speaker. It wasn't million followers. It was me going to the gym because I could control that. It was me picking up a personal development book because Lil Wayne was my only development book at that time. It was me reading the book and saying, let me try reading this book. So it was me opening my life up to new possibilities. So if you don't like your life right now, you got to change your environment. You got to get around better, do better, listen to things, do things that you haven't done before and start there because the future you is coming. So if you want to prevent regret, go all out right now and seek the better that you know deserve

Mel Robbins (00:36:22):

The future you is coming. Whether you like it or not,

Trent Shelton (00:36:24):

It's coming.

Mel Robbins (00:36:25):

And if you're listening to this, here's what I know about you. You actually do want to be better because you're listening to something and you're spending time with me and Trent because you know that Trent has figured something out and I have figured something out. And what we've figured out is that you are responsible for what happens next. And we're going to take a quick break so you can hear a word from our sponsors. They allow me to bring you incredible wisdom and inspiration from people like Trent at zero cost. So take a listen. Trent and I are going to be waiting for you right after a short break. Don't go anywhere. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I'm here with Trent Shelton. You and I are learning how to protect our piece.

Mel Robbins (00:37:14):

And Trent, do you have advice for someone who's starting to recognize that there is a lot of negativity around them As somebody's listening to this and they're like, oh my God, I got a bunch of people around me that aren't supporting me. What are some of the first couple things that you would coach somebody to do?

Trent Shelton (00:37:31):

I would tell you first, unclear communication puts unfair expectations on somebody.

Mel Robbins (00:37:40):

What does that mean?

Trent Shelton (00:37:41):

That means that some of you are expecting a change from somebody without communicating it. You are expecting somebody to be something for your life, but you haven't communicated it. Somebody might be disrespecting your boundaries, but you haven't communicated it. So you have to mature in that area and have those uncomfortable hard conversations. So for me, I send an invitation, I have the conversations.

Mel Robbins (00:38:01):

What does that mean? You send an invitation that said what?

Trent Shelton (00:38:04):

So the first thing I did, I called. I sent out the invitation, I sent it out, send it out to my friends, send it out to the people that were kind of on the edge of my life, and I said, this is what I'm doing with my life. It's kind of like when you have a birthday party, you send the invitations. You can't control if somebody comes or not. If they don't show up, don't complain about that. I moved on or we had fun and you didn't show up. This is what I'm doing my life. I'm no longer living like this. I'm no longer doing this. I'm no longer living this lifestyle. I'm retiring from being a rapper. I'm no longer living in this environment because I got a kid,

(00:38:35):

Because I got something big that I'm fighting for and I'm growing towards. And every level of my career, I do this because I just had a conversation two weeks ago. This is where I'm going and I refuse to. I think this is an issue, Mel, that a lot of us feel like relieving people behind, and a lot of us feel guilty about that. And that was me for so long until I realized, no, I sent the invitation out. I let you know where I'm going. I didn't leave you behind. You chose to stay behind. So I understand in that moment. So I would tell you, have the conversation, tell people, this is what I need from you. Okay? This is what I want from you. This is what I'm willing to give you. It's not always about them. It's about you too. It's reciprocation. This is where I'm going because this is what I want to do in my life and I refuse to get to the future me and live in regret. And so if they don't accept the invitation and come to your part of your growth, then that's on them. And then where they stand in your life. But they can never say, oh, you didn't let me know. I didn't know what was going on. You clearly communicate what you expect from them. It's up to them if they want to live up to that title or not.

Mel Robbins (00:39:42):

I love that. I love the focus on I'm not going to live in regret. I'm going to grow into my fullest possibility. There was a moment where you were about to sound off and you paused. What was that about?

Trent Shelton (00:39:55):

I don't know. I don't know exactly what I was going to say in that moment, to be honest. Maybe it was

Mel Robbins (00:40:00):

You were talking about two weeks ago. You're like, I'm going somewhere. And I was about to,

Trent Shelton (00:40:04):

Well, I was about to put some information out there probably from two weeks ago that I want to protect the conversation.

Mel Robbins (00:40:10):

I respect that. See there you are actually proving that you don't talk out of school.

Trent Shelton (00:40:16):

No.

Mel Robbins (00:40:17):

There you are proving your character, first of all, your ability to stop yourself and your ability to say with class that I'm just not going to talk about that. That's boundary for me.

Trent Shelton (00:40:29):

That's right.

Mel Robbins (00:40:29):

And I respect that. And that's important for you to both see that happening and to hear it because that's what you need to do. That's what you need to do in your life.

Mel Robbins (00:40:43):

How do you handle situations where you stood by somebody, but when you needed them, the favor was not returned?

Trent Shelton (00:40:55):

Some deep questions. So I'll start by saying this. I do believe that we are put on this earth to be used in a way of helping people in a way of growing people in a way of certain times, being there for people. But I don't believe we're put on this earth to be misused. And so when it gets to a place in my life where I feel misused, I have a good heart. And I'm not saying that for brownie points, but I need to take my own advice. I give more chances than I probably should give. But at the end of the day, I made this decision because when you have this decision to cut people off, you want to use that word, oftentimes, you're viewed as coldhearted,

Mel Robbins (00:41:42):

Right?

Trent Shelton (00:41:43):

And so I made a decision in my life, male that says, you know what? That's fine. If people want to call me, I would rather be viewed as coldhearted than live brokenhearted. I'm not going to break my heart continuing to be misused time and time again. So again, I have the conversation. I let them know how I feel.

(00:42:03):

I present the facts and even not even feelings, because I always believe facts over feelings. So feelings to the side. Let's leave feelings out this conversation. What's the facts? What's the facts of being a good friend? What's the facts of being a support system universally? Let's allow the facts to decide this. And the facts say, no, no, no, no, no.

Trent Shelton (00:42:21):

I always tell people, I don't say no to you. My principles do. My facts do. I'm loyal to my principles, not to people. When I say that, people are like, I'm loyal to my principles. Because if I'm loyal to people, I will say yes. When I want to say no, I will say, sure. When I definitely don't want to do it. I will take on more from a person than I know I'm supposed to take on. So I tell people, it's my principles, the way my principles are set up. I can't do this. I can't give this because I know if I ignore this, I know where that's going to lead myself. And so I look at my principles and allow my principles to make the decisions for me.

Mel Robbins (00:42:56):

Okay, my next question. Every one of us wants to know the answer to how the heck do you develop rock solid principles that are aligned with you? Because what you just said, I think is the secret to creating the life that is meant for you and aligning that life with what you value and with really what matters to you. And this notion that you're loyal to your principles, not loyal to people, I hear exactly what you're saying. I mean, especially those of us that are parents, we use that. Come on now after all I've done for you, right? With our children. All right, mom. All right, dad. See, he's laughing. He knows. He knows. But how do you develop principles that you can become loyal to Trent?

Trent Shelton (00:43:55):

Yeah, I think the first thing that you have to do is know what you want in your life just by yourself. What do you want in your life? What do you want to feel? What do you want to experience? What does your greatest self look like? And you develop your principles around that. Where do you want to give? Right? What standards do you want to stand on? What values do you want to have? And that's different for everybody. So one of mine is peace. That is umo numeral one in my life is I prioritize my peace. And so for me, if I know no matter how great the opportunity is, no matter how much I'm missing out on, if my piece says no, then I'm not going to do it. So I would tell you, what are the things in your life that you need that will be the GPS in the roadmap to lead you to a greater self?

(00:44:44):

Not just externally, but internally. So what do you want to feel? For some people, it might be just honesty. For some people it might be, I want to be a person of integrity, whatever it may be, I want to be happy. Whatever it is, you have that as your principles, and you talk to your principals and have a conversation with your principal and say, do I need to do this? My piece says no, or my peace says yes, it's all right and it's hard. But every time I've ignored my principles, every single time, I regretted it every time. And every time that I didn't ignore my principles and I stood on my principles, it didn't make sense at first. Sometimes I immediately regret like, dang, I'm missing out. But down the line, I'm said, I'm glad that I chose to stand on my principles. So what do you need in your life? And start there. Write down a list maybe of five things, three things that you want in your life right now you want to experience and say, these are my guiding forces to me living my most peaceful and fulfilled life.

Mel Robbins (00:45:44):

One thing I want to acknowledge you for is that we were going to do this interview a couple months ago, and I got to give you a huge shout out because Trent texted me that week and was like, Mel, Tristan, your son had this opening football game. I am not going to miss it. And being a parent who also has a guiding principle that I do not want to miss out on the important things with my kids, I'm like, absolutely. Absolutely. In fact, I think it's so freaking amazing that that is what you would prioritize. And I'm calling that out because it's easy to let your emotions take over

(00:46:29):

And to miss out on aligning your life with what actually matters to you. And this is a point that if this is the only thing that you take away from this conversation, which if you're listening, that would be impossible given how much wisdom you are sharing with us, Trent, if the only thing that you took away is I got to figure out what I want and what I value and come up with a set of principles that are my guiding force right now, if you just took that away, that would change your entire life. Full stop right now. And I even see the value in that because in what you and I do for a living, it's very public. And there are a lot of friends of ours that also have really big careers, and it's very easy to get caught up in what's Trent doing? What's that doing? What do we, but when you understand your guiding principles, you can reel back your own emotions and you can step back into both making decisions for yourself. And I also think this ties back to you being actually a very good supportive friend. Because when you're in your power and you are making decisions based on your principles, you're not letting those emotions rise up and have you engage in behavior that you might later regret. Very cool.

Trent Shelton (00:47:51):

Yeah. I like to sound loyal to my pace. Mel,

Mel Robbins (00:47:53):

Loyal to your peace.

Trent Shelton (00:47:55):

Pace.

Mel Robbins (00:47:55):

Pace. What does that mean?

Trent Shelton (00:47:56):

Yeah, you're a runner, right?

Mel Robbins (00:47:59):

I used to be.

Trent Shelton (00:48:00):

Okay. So you know what a pace set

Mel Robbins (00:48:01):

Is, right? Yes, yes. It's very bad. I'm very slow. Brent. I'm actually famous for, I ran the New York City marathon with a bunch of girlfriends, and then we went and ran the one in Houston, and we were just doing it to kind of get away from our spouses. We could disappear to travel. So I'm talking, by the time I dragged myself across that finish line, it was like six hours. I'm very infamous for being in the middle of one race and going, you know what? I need a coffee and pulling off the race and running into a Starbucks and ordering an iced coffee using the clean bathroom cost me 20 minutes. But I don't care.

Trent Shelton (00:48:39):

That's exactly what I'm saying. You're loyal to your pace. So a pace setter is somebody who sets the pace off the Olympics. You might see somebody run out in front and they set the pace and they drop off. And what I see, and I wanted to touch on this, you had talked about just comparison, kind of like seeing other people doing what they do. So for me, the reason even with Tristan, and I'll say this to that, is I know there's going to be, and I believe there will be more opportunities, but there's not another opportunity to see his first eighth grade basketball game. That's a moment. So I think about that. I can create other moments, but I can't get this moment back. And me losing so many people in my life, I understand the value of moments,

(00:49:22):

But being loyal to my pace simply means that, well, if you're not loyal to your pace, you're going to burn out. So if you've ever seen somebody run a race and they're trying to keep up with the next person and they're trying to do what the next person's doing, they burn out. That happened to me plenty of times in half marathons with friends, I'm trying to keep up and I don't finish because I'm trying to run a pace that is meant for them to run. So when I look out and I go into the world and I see our friends and people doing all these things and I'm like, that's awesome for them, I'm happy. But for me, that's not my pace.

(00:49:52):

And to some people, I might look like a turtle. I doubt it. To some people, I might look like a cheetah and that's okay. But the pace works for me. The pace keeps me from burnout. The pace keeps me in my peace. I think a lot of people out there, their pace setter is scarcity. Their pace setter is comparison. Their pace setter is panic. I have to do all these things or I don't have a lot in my life.

Trent Shelton (00:50:18):

And one thing I can give to myself in my journey, and I've gotten out of pace before, but for the majority of my journey these last 15 years, I've always had my own pace and been unapologetic about it. So I can say no to the big opportunity. I can say yes to the small opportunity because I understand what I need to run an efficient race in this life in my business. So I would tell you and ask you what's setting the pace? Is it your confidence? If confidence is set, the pace, it's like, okay, they're doing that great for them, but I'm confident in myself that I will get to my finish line when I need to get there. So that's something I wanted to share because it's something that's really changed my life in my journey and me being consistent these last 15 years.

Mel Robbins (00:51:02):

The thing that you have to have that I think is really hard for people to truly coach yourself in that regard, I'm going to stick to my pace, is trust.

Trent Shelton (00:51:13):

There you go. That's it.

Mel Robbins (00:51:14):

How do you manufacture that? And I'm thinking about it in the context of one of our daughters who graduated from college, started in the corporate world, then left that job after 18 months and is trying to figure out what's next. And what I see in her is a lack of trust that she's going to figure it out.

(00:51:39):

And I think this is a very common thing, whether you've just gotten a divorce or you've been laid off, or maybe you started a career and you now, oh my God, don't know what you want to do because definitely not this thing that you can start to panic and not trust the process. So what coaching do you have for anybody that's in this moment in their life where it feels either like the pace is way too slow or they don't have a sense if they're going in the right direction, and that kind of thing that is now driving is panic and distrust. How do you get back into trusting your life and

Trent Shelton (00:52:15):

Yourself? So for me, and I would tell the person, listen to this, you have to, and I'm going to break this down, you have to trust even when you don't understand, even when it doesn't make sense, even when everything is going disarray. As an athlete, I have to trust that even if I'm losing the game by 10 points, I have to trust my training. I have to trust the work that I put in that we're going to make a comeback. And it's the same thing in life. You might be down the scoreboard of life. The beautiful thing about life is that you have a lot of opportunity, God willing to always come back in your life. And so a lot of people, Mel, that I feel, and I've been guilty of this too, we trust external alignment. And what that means is that if everything around me is lining up, then this must be meant for my life. We're on the right path. And I can say directly opposite at times where everything outside is lining up. I'm like, this ain't it. And then the opposite has happened where things aren't lining up. But I trust in my internal alignment.

Mel Robbins (00:53:10):

But how do you, so for somebody who's like, Trent, I want that so bad, Trent, how do I do that, Trent? How if I'm feeling like I'm spinning out of control and I've made all these bad decisions, or I dunno, how do you even begin that process of internal alignment and trusting?

Trent Shelton (00:53:27):

Well, number one, you have to let go of comparison. You have to disconnect so hard, dude from comparison. And it's hard

(00:53:33):

Because comparison, and this is my heart speaking right now, so if it doesn't make sense, excuse me, but you are enough. And I know that's easier said than done. I know it sounds like some motivational stuff, but you have to really understand that and trust and believe by proving it to yourself. Who are you trying to prove it to? Are trying to prove it to mommy, daddy, social media. You're trying to prove it to your friends. Are you proving it to yourself by doing that internal work to say, you know what? There's an internal alarm and it's hard for me to explain. There's an internal knowing for me, I believe belief is the strongest thing that we can have. When you start believing in what you do, you're not tripping because at some point the door will open. And I believe faith is this male believing a door will open for your life. That doesn't even exist yet. And I want to be careful because I'm not telling people, telling people to be unorganized, but I stopped trusting my plan so much. I trusted my plan that I would have to adjust at some point. I trusted my first steps and if my first steps didn't go right, I trust that there was something bigger for my life. So that's the internal alignment

(00:54:34):

That I talk about. It's a knowing in your soul that a lot of us ignore because a lot of us are afraid. A lot of us is like, I hear you Trent, but my bills need to be paid. I hear you Trent, but nobody's following me online. I hear you Trent. I started the podcast and nobody's listening. And then we go to external alignment. We start trusting that and we move away from that calling, that gift in our soul. So I've always, and it's hard for me to explain, but I've always trusted the thing inside of here no matter how it looked on the outside, and it always opened up a door for me.

Mel Robbins (00:55:08):

Well, the piece that I think you could clinging onto if you're in that spot in your life right now, is trusting that there is something bigger that's meant for your life. And one of the ways that I was able to grab onto that for myself when I was in the just pit of despair and lack of hope, is the simple act of getting yourself out of bed on those mornings where you're wallowing in a lack of trust and feeling like nothing is working out. Why? Because as Trent has just told you, you're looking around at everybody else when you get out of bed on those mornings when you don't want to. That is proof that you believe there is something bigger meant for your life. When you force yourself to eat something that is fuel for your body instead of more crap processed stuff that just makes you numb out.

(00:56:09):

The choice to do something good for yourself is proof that you trust something bigger for your life. When you go to the gym when you don't want to, that is proof. So for me, all of those little actions every day, even when I don't even know where it's leading, even when I didn't have a sense of direction, they are small acts of defiance in the face of feeling stuck or hopeless and that little rhythm that you can create of, well, I'm still getting out of bed and I'm still going to the gym and I'm still going to keep writing this memoir. I'm going to work on this business plan, or I'm going to take this online course even though I don't know where it's leading. That action for me has always helped me say, because I think something bigger is meant for me. And if I sit here and I wallow in it, or if I lay in bed and I stare at the ceiling and I hit the snooze button again, I am proving to myself that I don't believe that there's something bigger and that may feel like it couldn't possibly help when you are lost.

(00:57:11):

But I think both Trent and I believe the same thing, which is that small little momentum that you can create is what breaks through the darkness and the lack of hope.

Trent Shelton (00:57:25):

I call that soul momentum.

Mel Robbins (00:57:26):

Soul momentum. Ooh, that's a good term.

Trent Shelton (00:57:28):

Soul momentum. Because momentum, as an athlete, I know how powerful momentum is. It's the invisible force that changes everything. And I fall in love with possibility. What you're just saying is the possibility of something better. And if you fall in love with that, eventually I believe you'll meet the better that's waiting for you. But most people, again, we look at the external, we say, oh, well, me just getting out of bed, it's not going to change anything. And that mindset will never serve you. So create some meanings in your life that serve your soul and control what you can control and pray about the rest

Mel Robbins (00:58:03):

In your new book, protect Your Peace. You talk about demanding your worth. How do you do

Trent Shelton (00:58:07):

That? Oh man.

Mel Robbins (00:58:10):

And you're laughing. So I'm like,

Trent Shelton (00:58:11):

Oh, I wasn't going to call it know your worth. But I feel like this year or just in my life and everybody, I feel like we need to be unapologetic some more and actually demand your worth. It doesn't mean that you're kicking in the office door and say, you need to pay me this. It doesn't mean that. It's just simply you understanding your worthiness inside of you. Because the world in my experience, will try to put you on wholesale. The world will try to cheapen you. And the more you can understand this truth, I believe you were given worth before birth. I believe you were set apart before birth. And so when I look at people and coach people, the number one thing that I see is people don't know their worth.

Trent Shelton (01:00:03):

Repeat that every morning. I'm worth it. I've been worth it. I will forever be worth it. It doesn't make you stuck up, doesn't make you conceit it. It makes you a person that understands how valuable you are. And when you understand that, that's when you activate the power in your life.

(01:00:15):

And so when I mean demand your worth, that means stop settling for less because settling leads to suffering. If you settle in a certain area of your life, you will start to suffer. Relationships, business friendships, any ship that's selling partnerships, you will start to suffer at some point. And suffering is poison for the soul. And so demand your worth in that area. Demand your worth in friendships, demand your worth in your business. Demand your worth at your job if you have to. And it means having a conversation. Don't be, I'm not saying to be ignorant in doing it, but start believing in yourself more, that you're worth more, that you are worthy. We can tell people all these things and give people all these tools. If you don't believe that you're worthy of it, you'll never be coming.

Mel Robbins (01:00:56):

For somebody who has rock bottom self-worth, where do you begin? Because obviously it's internal and it begins with how you treat yourself. But if you were coaching somebody who does not have the faith that you have, but that really is like, but where do I even begin in terms of demanding my worth for myself? What are some small steps that somebody could take? Trent?

Trent Shelton (01:01:23):

Yeah. When you got to strip away, everything you're worth is tied to everything, every person, every situation, your past. That's the number one killer. A lot of people, and we can get into this, but they live what I call past lenses. They literally put their lenses on of your past and you see the world that way. So I see the world as shame. I see the world as guilt. I see the world of I can never be enough

(01:01:51):

Because of my past. And I would tell the person listening to this right now, just because you have some bad chapters, like listen to me. Just because you have some bad chapters doesn't mean your story can't end well. So it starts with forgiving yourself. It starts with giving self grace. It starts with understanding this truth that helps me. Everybody's imperfect. Everybody got their mess. So just because people hide their struggles better than you, it doesn't make them better than you. So I'll start there. What does it look like to love myself? What does it look like for me to give myself what it needs? What does it look like for some self-care? Start what you can control. And then from that point, then surround yourself around people who uplift your worth, who validate who you are, who make you feel good. And sometimes it's not your family. Sometimes the people closest to you don't want the best for you. Sometimes they do. But maybe it's going to a conference, maybe it's getting around a community group. Maybe it's joining a run club. And the more you can get around people who can justify, not even validate, but help you understand that you are enough, you start to believe in yourself more. I bet you, Mel, that the person that doesn't feel like they have worth, I bet you their environment is full of them feeling like they're worthless.

Mel Robbins (01:03:06):

Yeah. I think if you take what Trent is saying as the fact, because it is the fact that your worth begins and ends with you. And if you start to just ask yourself that question, what would it look like if I actually did treat myself as if I was worthy?

Trent Shelton (01:03:26):

That's right.

Mel Robbins (01:03:27):

You can come up with the list. I'd say nicer things. I'd get out of bed, I'd make my bed, I'd clean my room, I would start to take care of myself. I would spend some time on some things I enjoy doing. I would stop hanging around with these negative people. I wouldn't waste so much time on social media if I really valued myself. That list of actions is the map. And what's interesting, and this is something that I know that you also have experienced in your life, is that this is so critical because when you start to raise your own standards for how you speak and talk to yourself, you hold yourself accountable to a different level. Your own energy from the inside out shifts the world around you. Right now, you are saying yes to things that you don't want to say yes to that are beneath you that you don't want to do, whether it's helping somebody move out of their spare apartment or if it's letting somebody borrow, you don't want to do it, but you say yes, which is a sign of you not valuing yourself.

(01:04:32):

And what's interesting is sometimes I think the fastest access, and you talked about this at the very beginning, is start saying no, start saying no all those times. No, I am not going to go to mom and dad's house and cook them dinner. It is your turn sibling of mine to pull your share. I'm not doing it. When you start to raise your own standards for yourself, a funny thing happens. The world starts to align consistently. They may not like it, but something starts to shift because you're causing it. I love, love, love this. Let's talk to the person that is kind of the go-to for everybody else. Maybe they're the ones taking care of aging parents, but none of the siblings are helping, or it's the single mom and they can't get any help from the former partner or somebody that's taken on everybody's work at work. We've all been kind of that person once or twice and they're ignoring themselves. What do you have to say to them, Trent?

Trent Shelton (01:05:40):

You tell people how to treat you by what you accept. You tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept. I'm a believer, and I'm sure there's exceptions to certain rules that people will consistently and continuously give you what you allow them to give you. I believe that you're in control of two things in this world.

Mel Robbins (01:06:05):

What are they?

Trent Shelton (01:06:06):

What you give, nobody can stop you giving anything and what you accept. So if I was like, male, this is a cup of poison, drink it. You wouldn't accept that. And it's crazy because I feel like emotionally we accept so many emotional poisons in our life that we don't have to accept. Nobody can force you to accept it. And the first thing it starts with, again, we go back to setting that boundary, saying no, boundaries are not walls to keep things out. We hear the word boundary. Think, oh, boundaries a bad thing, and it's toxic and no boundaries aren't walls to keep things out. Boundaries are bridges to let the right things in.

Mel Robbins (01:06:49):

Ooh, that was boundaries. They're not walls. They're not

Trent Shelton (01:06:53):

Walls to keep things out. It can be if somebody makes it a wall where they disrespect your boundary over and over, then it becomes a wall like, Hey, I'm blocking you from my phone. Leave me alone or I'm blocking you. But boundaries aren't walls to keep things out. They're bridges to let the right things in, that's in relationships, that's in marriage. It makes it more beautiful. Me and my wife, we've set boundaries with each other that makes it more beautiful. I give her her time on self-care day. She gives me my time, my hours, and we're better for our kids and our family when we come back to that. Do I want to every minute of her life, yes, I want to. No, I don't want you to go out there, babe, but I realize that's what she needs. Friendships, boundaries, your work boundaries. And the thing that I see is that so many people aren't setting boundaries or they're setting boundaries and not standing on their boundaries.

(01:07:45):

So if you're the go-to person for everybody else, but you can't go to anybody, set a boundary, say, Hey, if you can't do this for me, I'm not doing this for you. No more unapologetically. If you're the person that's always being there for everybody, if you're somebody's 2:00 AM and they call you with all they problems, oh my gosh. Then set a boundary. Hey, you know what? If you're not going to take my advice, don't call me no more with your problems. If I can't call you at 2:00 AM I call you, you sleep. I get the do not disturb, then set. Boundary and boundaries aren't a mean thing. It's a necessary thing to protect your peace and to protect your energy because as we said at the beginning of this episode, you don't give an infinite amount of energy to use. Like no, it's a battery if we're honest. Some of us protect our phone battery more than we do our soul battery.

Mel Robbins (01:08:33):

So true.

Trent Shelton (01:08:34):

So to bring this back, set boundaries and look at boundaries as bridges, and I think it will change your life. When you ask yourself what you need, can I give him a three step process with that?

Mel Robbins (01:08:46):

Please. Let's go.

Trent Shelton (01:08:49):

Number one, when you're setting boundaries, first, ask yourself, what do you need in your life right now? Write that down. Whatever it is, peace. I need sanity. I need better friends, whatever it is. Number two, then ask yourself, what boundary do you need to set? Do I need to set that will lead me to what I need? Okay, the number three, which is probably the most important. Why do I have to not want to? Why do I have to stick to this boundary? And this boundary is something that can't budge. And write that down. What is it costing you? I like to call it opportunity cost. What is it going to cost you not to stick to this boundary, your future, your peace? Maybe you're a mom and you keep saying yes to everybody else and you're frustrated. Now your kids get that. Maybe you're a dad and you're doing all the things and you can't be the man you need to be for your wife and your family. What is it costing you? Because it's costing you way more than you think. Get clear on that and start there.

Mel Robbins (01:09:48):

Amazing, amazing. Trent. One of my favorite things about following you online is you've got this incredible series A message to you, and I love the hope and the inspiration and the wisdom that you are giving people every single day on social media. And if you do not follow Trent, follow him. Share this episode with everybody how you can find him. We are link to all of it in the resources, but what message do you have for someone who feels like they've lost their way?

Trent Shelton (01:10:25):

If you feel like you lost your way, I would tell you congratulations. And the reason I say that is because if you're lost, that only means one thing. You're about to be found. And sometimes you need to lose your way in order to find a better way. Sometimes you need to lose certain things to gain better things. Sometimes certain doors have to close that you want to keep open so a better door can come into your life. So I would tell you to have patience, have faith. Never lose your belief, never lose your worth and do no better is coming for your life and you're probably at a breaking point. Again, congratulations because a breaking point means one or two things. And I know after this episode what you're going to choose. But one, it means you're going to break down. We're not doing that. Two, it means you're going to break through and you're about to break through to a level that you couldn't even imagine because of everything that you went through. It's building you not breaking. You keep going.

Mel Robbins (01:11:30):

I believe you. That's what I love about listening to you. When I hear you say that in the conviction, in your voice, I believe you, and I know as you're listening, you're like, Trent, give me more. Give me more. I believe you too, Trent. So

Mel Robbins (01:11:45):

What message do you have for someone who's worried about their kids?

Trent Shelton (01:11:53):

If you're worried about your kids, I get it, and that's a justifiable worry. But you have to learn how to let go and trust. I know so many times we want to control our kids because we want to protect our kids. But you got to understand that number one, you're doing an excellent job at planting seeds, but that's all you can do is plant seeds. As they continue to grow, they're going to make their own choices. And I can tell you from my life, my mother plants so many seeds that I didn't listen to until I got about 28, 29 years old. I'm still learning. But at the right time, those seeds took harvest in my life. So that work that you're doing, mom, dad, it isn't in vain. And your kids have a life that they're meant to live, a journey that they're meant to go on. So let 'em go, and you just be the support system on the way, but give yourself some credit because you're doing things that you'll never get things for. And that's what a leader's all about. Proud of you.

Mel Robbins (01:12:57):

Thank

Trent Shelton (01:12:57):

You.

Mel Robbins (01:12:59):

Thank you for saying you're proud of us

Trent Shelton (01:13:01):

For sure. It's a lot.

Mel Robbins (01:13:03):

Yeah, and I loved what you said about you're doing things that you're not getting credit for, whether you're a parent or not. I think recognizing that in yourself, that you are showing up, that you're a good person and that you're doing a whole lot that you're not getting credit for.

Mel Robbins (01:13:21):

What message do you have, Trent, for someone who is struggling with their purpose?

Trent Shelton (01:13:29):

Yeah. If you're struggling with your purpose, I've been there, and I would like to make this suggestion to you, this idea that I have. What if purpose isn't something that you search for, it's who you are. What if you're searching for something that already exists? I believe that purpose is you. I believe you are created for purpose, on purpose, to do purpose, to share purpose, to breed purpose. And I think what you're searching for is placement. It's validation from this world. And so I would like you to take ownership on who you are, because I thought the NFL was my purpose till I lost it, then I felt purposeless my life. But now I believe that I am purpose so I can take my life anywhere to create value, to make the room better, to use my voice to uplift. And it's the same with you.

(01:14:23):

So if you're at your job and you feel like this job holds no purpose, and I know you want to get out of it, always tell people if you can't change your situation, you must change your mindset towards it. So you bring the purpose into the job, you bring the energy into the job, you bring the shift into the job in whatever environment you go around, you make it better. And as you do that, you increase what I call a magnet. And that magnet will bring the right things into your life. That magnet will increase what you need. And you don't have to grow on this journey of chasing, because often we chase and we're being led by scarcity, comparison, pain, and we find things that aren't meant for our life. But if you just stopped reflecting pause right now and said, I am purpose. Say that I am purpose and really believe that you'll make impact in this world greater than anything that could ever be measured.

Mel Robbins (01:15:23):

Incredible. What message do you have for someone who needs to exit a toxic relationship?

Trent Shelton (01:15:32):

Leave protect your peace. I would tell you, I would ask you that question I asked early in this episode, do you want to die and happy? I know that seems very, very like, but it's the truth. But this is why I know you haven't left because you're afraid. You're afraid of the unknown. You're afraid of leaving something that's familiar, even if it's a familiar pain. Most of us will choose a familiar pain, then go seek an unknown piece. But I'll tell you this, truth about moving on, moving on is less about what you're moving on from and more about what you're moving on to. So create better value in what you're moving on to create a compelling future that pulls you away from that toxic. Because once you experience a life of peace, you'll never go back to that situation again. I'm sure you have an X that you look back and say, how was I ever with that person? Is because you grew into what you deserve. And I know this is kind of harsh, but you deserve exactly what you settled for. I believe you deserve more, but you got to believe that yourself and go get it.

Mel Robbins (01:16:50):

Trent. I feel like everybody listening is going to go, this is exactly what I needed to hear. You talked about a magnet and being pulled into somebody's life, and it is so clear that you are your purpose. You embody it, and it's just an unbelievable gift to be able to experience it.

Trent Shelton (01:17:15):

Thank you.

Mel Robbins (01:17:16):

For someone who feels like their current situation is the final destination for them, that they're stuck, what is your message to them?

Trent Shelton (01:17:28):

Give tomorrow a chance. That's what I would tell you. Your current situation is not your final destination. There's more to your life. And I know right now it's hard for you to believe that, but I need you to believe it. Everything you're currently facing, it's building you for something greater, and you have to believe that you're more than your struggles. You're more than your pain. I know you feel like nobody understands you, nobody gets you. I know you feel alone and isolated. That's what depression wants you to feel. But I want you to flood your life with appreciation, even for the little things, the small things, for breathing your body, for your heartbeat, because appreciation is the first step to elevating your life. So I want to tell you, I'm proud of you for not giving up when it's so easy to, I know how it feels to be at a breaking point in life where I don't want to live my life anymore, but I'm glad that I didn't go through with those thoughts, those silent battles that you're dealing with. Give that pain a voice because everything you're going through, I believe will soon turn into everything you made it through. Keep going.

Mel Robbins (01:18:45):

One thing that I really appreciate is you. And if you are looking to hold on what Trent is saying and find something to appreciate, I want you to really take a moment and just send that energy of appreciation to absolutely everything that Trent poured into you today. And the fact that you now have this conversation to listen to over and over and over and over again to remind yourself of what you're worth and the power that you have to change your life and the steps that you can take to do it. And I just wanted to give you one final question. Trent, what are your closing words to the person that's listening to you right now?

Trent Shelton (01:19:37):

Go get your best life. It's there for you. The path will be hard. The path looks like ups and downs, but I promise you, it's worth it. Don't give up. Keep climbing that mountain because your peak is coming and there's somebody waiting on you to walk into your greatness. There's somebody that needs you to answer that gift, that calling that's in your soul. So your best life is coming for you. Make the world respect your greatness. It all starts with you.

Mel Robbins (01:20:11):

Trent Shelton, I love you. Thank you.

Trent Shelton (01:20:14):

Thank you. I love you too, man. I appreciate the opportunity and the platform for me to be able to share my words forever. Grateful.

Mel Robbins (01:20:20):

Oh, well, I just know that you've just changed the lives of millions of people that are going to hear this. And I want to make sure to tell you, in case no one else tells you this, I know you feel it because Trent poured into you with every ounce of his being. But I wanted to be sure that you know that I love you and I believe in you, and your ability to protect your peace and go create a better life. Talk to you in a few days. And thank you so much for being here. Was he not extraordinary? I know exactly what you needed to hear, exactly what I needed to hear. And one more thing that I want to make sure that you hear from me, your friend Mel Robbins, is in case nobody else tells you, I want to be sure to tell you I love you.

(01:21:01):

I believe in you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching these videos and spending time with me. I believe in your ability to create a better life, and that's why I'm here showing up every single day. And one thing I want to ask you is please subscribe. It really helps me bring you incredible content at zero cost and incredible people like Trent Shelton. And I also want to share with you the next video that you should watch, because this one's incredible too. And this is the lies about adult friendship and the truth that you need to hear.

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Guests Appearing in this Episode

Trent Shelton

Trent Shelton is a former NFL athlete turned motivational speaker and author, inspiring millions with his message of resilience and self-worth.

Book: Protect Your Peace
Hard-won wisdom, practical strategies, personal stories, and deep inspiration to help you reframe your life as a force for good.

Your perspective on life can be your power or your prison. It can serve your anxiety, your stress, and your depression, or it can support your peace, your courage, and your growth.

Trent lets you know in no uncertain terms that there is a war on—a war for your worth. The toughest battle in it is the one you’re fighting within yourself. And Protect Your Peace gives you a road map to victory.

Resources

- The Harvard Gazette: Your relationships are critical to your health.
- TED: The secret to a happy life: lessons from 8 decades of research.
- Psychology Today: 9 signs it’s time to end a friendship.
- University of CA, Berkeley: Why your friends are more important than you think.
- The Atlantic: How to make friendships, according to science.
- Science of People: 6 signs you’ve outgrown your friends.
- Harvard Business Review: How to find, define, and refine your values.
- Personal Values Test: free online test.
- Georgetown University: How setting boundaries benefits physical and mental health.
- Advanced Psychiatry Association: How to cope with depression.

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1 Life-Changing Newsletter