Do This To Become More Confident: 5 Truths You Need To Hear

And these retail stores were mortified. They were mortified. There was thousands of makeup brands. But I entered that space fully authentically to who I was. No matter what your dream or your idea or your art you want to put out in the world or your podcast, you want to launch, if you are one of the brave ones, willing to do it authentically to you, by definition, it has never been done before. It has never been done before. So because there is not another you in existence and there never will be, and nobody can compete with that. And I know one of our lies we're going to talk about is you're not crazy, you're just first. But I'm going to go off on this. Go right there. That's the first

 

Mel Robbins (00:14:46):

Slide. You're not crazy. You're just first, let's unpack that.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:14:49):

You want me to unpack that? Okay,

 

Mel Robbins (00:14:51):

Go, go, go. She's on a roll.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:14:52):

Let's keep going. I'm fired up this one lie. Oh my gosh, Mel. It is life changing. And this lie is called You're not crazy. You are dispersed. So many of us think and believe the things that are different or odd or strange or quirky or wrong with us, and we should dim our own light, hide them from others. Because we fear if we show up as who we truly are, oh, then we'll be found out. People might not like us anymore. We might not be loved. And so we end up so many of us showing up as who we think other people want us to be. We end up showing up as our representative every day. A lot of people wake up in the morning and put on their who they think they need to be uniform with their name on the front,

 

Mel Robbins (00:15:38):

Like a Denny's waitress like

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:15:39):

Uniform.

 

Mel Robbins (00:15:40):

Here I am in my role, yes, in my role. Good daughter, good partner, good employee. I'm just going to keep showing

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:15:47):

Up the friend that gets invited, the mom that has it all together, whatever that role is. Exactly. So first of all, it is impossible to have a true connection with another human being. If you are showing up as anything other than who you authentically are, whether it's with a friend or a partner or a customers. For everyone listening who thinks like, oh, if I'm me, I won't be loved, or if I'm really me, then I won't do well on social media, or I won't get the promotion, or I won't get the job, or whatever it might be. Who you are deep down inside and your authenticity is your superpower. And for anybody listening who has ever felt like that they're different or that they don't belong growing up, growing up as a little girl, I was adopted. I have five families who raised me, five families, five families.

 

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You explain that through divorces and then birth family, I met later. Oh, gotcha. Okay. Yeah. Five families, marriage. So blessed I would not change a thing. And also growing up, I always felt like I didn't belong. I would have these big ideas. What if we could solve world hunger? And I was raised in an environment where no one had ever gone to college. And I would hear things like things like that don't happen to people like us or you're crazy. They would always call me crazy as a term of endearment. You're crazy for having these different ideas. Fast forward, I am in my late twenties and I went to therapy, first person in any of my families that I'm aware of to go to therapy. And I literally asked my therapist, I said, am I crazy? Because I go, I've been called this as a term of endearment my whole life. And she was saying,

 

Mel Robbins (00:17:29):

Oh, hold on. As a term of endearment.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:17:32):

Yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (00:17:33):

Talk about gaslighting yourself, right?

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:17:37):

And my therapist said to me, you're not crazy, but I'm really glad you're here. And she explained that when you are first in your family to maybe break a generational cycle or to actually show up as who you authentically are to really share how you feel to share your ideas, to not dim your light, to fit in that it often is met with confusion, resistance with a feeling like you need to dim your light to belong. And this moment, Mel hit me so bright like a light bulb that burst, I realized in that moment, I'm not crazy. I'm just first, I'm just first, you are the first ever you that has ever been in existence. And so when you show up as who you are, do not be surprised if not everyone gets it. There's never been a you before. And it's not just that every one of us has unique fingerprints and irises of our eyes and tongue prints that are unique and heartbeats that are unique.

 

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You're the only one in existence who's had the experiences you've had in life and feels emotions the way you feel and sees art and beauty the way that you do. And when you are brave enough to be who you truly are, it's scary at first, but when you step into it and one step at a time, you start saying what you really mean, being who you truly are. It's how you start to live in alignment with your assignment in life. And so I go deep in this lie and worthy about how to unlearn the lie that the things that are wrong with you or odd or strange or different are the things you should hide when in fact, they're the things most right with you. There are so many moments in my life when I was going through rejection after rejection or not being invited to the party, or retailers weren't believing in my brand, and I was tempted to quit.

 

(00:19:24):

And I would remind myself, okay, I'm doing this authentic to me. I'm not crazy. I'm just first, I'm in any moment where you're tempted to feel like your idea isn't good enough or you shouldn't raise your hand and share how you really feel, right? So many of us can remember a moment in our childhood, in class, perhaps when we knew the answer, but for the first time ever didn't raise our hand because we started to doubt, am I right? Am I going to get made fun of? Am I going to fit in? And self-doubt starts to kick in. And before you know it, we're 55 and deciding, I think I'm not going to raise my hand on that zoom call tomorrow, or I'm not going to go after that wild bold idea because it might not work. And we start to live our lives hiding in plain sight, and we can be crushing things all around us that look good to everyone else, but we know we're not living the truest, highest fullest expression of ourselves. And so for anyone who's ever felt like who they are isn't enough, it is a lie. You are not crazy. You're just first they wrote a poem. You're not crazy. You're just first

 

Mel Robbins (00:20:36):

One thing about this, especially in the context of a family system structure, when you feel like there's something wrong with you or when you get pushback from your family, the reframe from the lie, which is everybody telling you're crazy, you can't do that. People judging you, you even judging yourself.

 

(00:20:58):

That reframe is so powerful because I've been really surprised by how difficult it is in my own life, but I know in your life as you're listening, to break free of that fear of disappointing people in your family or what their expectations were for you. And so to think, oh, I'm just the first one to go to college. I'm just the first one to not be an accountant. I'm just the first one to really prioritize healing. Well, I'm just the first one that's going to live my life differently than everybody in my family has done forever. And in so doing, I am setting up this lie. You're crazy and calling it out for what it is and living in the truth,

 

(00:21:46):

Which Is no, I'm just first. And as much as I don't want to take a break, I want to hit pause. Let's hear a quick word from our sponsors. They allow us to bring this magic to you listening for free. So give them a little bit of love. But don't you dare go anywhere. I'm telling you right now, don't go anywhere because Jamie and I are going to be waiting for you after a short break. And when we return, there's so much to dig into. There are four more lies. There are so many more stories that you're going to hear. And one of my favorite stories is the first time she ever appeared on QVC. I cannot wait for you to experience this. We'll see you in a few minutes. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. And I am here today with one of my all-time favorite people, Jamie Kern Lima.

 

(00:22:35):

Her resume is so long, she's the founder of IT cosmetics. She's a New York Times bestselling author. Her brand new book is worthy. And we are digging into the five lies that you are telling yourself that are holding you back from reaching your potential. And we are in the middle of covering the first line, which is, you're not crazy. All those people that told you that you're crazy. It's a lie. It's a lie. And Jamie's beautiful, empowering, rockstar, reframe, you're just first, you're just the first one in your family to do this. You're just the first one to go to school. You're just the first one to have this idea. So Jamie, I want to add to this conversation and go a little bit deeper because I have a question from a listener named Lisa. Lisa, I have this belief that good things happen to others, but not me. How do I start believing in myself?

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:23:30):

Yes. So that is such a common lie that we tell ourselves that good things happen to other people, but not us. And I was raised around that lie. I was raised around that lie that, oh, things like that can't happen to people like us. So my whole family, a lot of my family believes that lie as well.

 

(00:23:49):

And I remember when I was waitressing at Denny's, I had this moment where I'm like, I think I could run this restaurant. I had this moment, but guess what? Self-doubt kicked in really fast. And that lie that she just shared, Lisa just shared. I remember thinking that, oh, but I am not qualified to do that. People like me don't run the restaurant. And so how do you overcome that? So let me just take a step back. Every single thing in life is the meaning we attach to it, and we have the power to unlearn that lie because this is a lie. That's true. That's the

 

Mel Robbins (00:24:24):

Story you're telling yourself. It's the story you're telling yourself that things like that don't happen to people

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:24:27):

Like us.

 

Mel Robbins (00:24:28):

That's a lie.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:24:29):

Exactly. It is a lie. And so maybe there's a lot of evidence in the past that makes you go, oh, but I have evidence to prove this. Okay, but first question is do you want to unie that? Do you want to still continue believing that lie? It is a lie, right? I remember hundreds of nos and rejections into a cosmetics so easy for me to say, oh, I'm a person that not only gets rejected, but I'm a reject. Let it take root in my self-worth level. And then that's when it is a powerful lie that becomes hard to unlearn. Things like that don't happen to people like me is a lie. And learning to reframe that first step, identifying it, which she did so beautifully in that question. Now deciding, do I want to believe that? Right? That's the next question because let me just get really real here.

 

(00:25:17):

Some of us use our lies as excuses on why something's not happening. So the next question is, do I want to unlearn that lie? Those are just lies that lead to self-doubt, that keep us stuck, that keep us feeling like we're unworthy right now as we're talking. 80% of women do not believe they're enough. 91% of girls and women don't love their bodies. 75% of female executives deal with imposter syndrome. 73% of men feel inadequate and they're not enough. So why I wrote Worthy is like the time to unlearn these lies has come. And so for Lisa, a great job being aware of the lie, a lot of times we tell ourselves lies. We're not even aware of it. We just think they're truths, right? But guess what? You're the character of your main life. You cannot always control all the supporting actors and actresses that come into your world, but you can control the main character and how you describe her and how you define her and what you want her storyline to be going forward.

 

(00:26:17):

And so the next question is, do you want to keep that lie or do you want to unlearn it? If you want to unlearn it, you reframe it. And every time it comes into your mind, you intercept it. You intercept that lie that says things like that don't happen to people like me. You decide, oh, no, no, my new meaning is things like that haven't happened yet. Oh, but they're going to happen. Once I step into who I authentically am, I am the first ever only me, and I'm going to live in alignment with my assignment. And I believe for me, when that lie comes into my head, I'm like, oh, I'm not crazy. I'm first. And I just reframe it and I decide the meaning. I attach to my story. I decide what I'm going to believe is going to happen, and I decide that will be my narrative. And the second we do that, because 

Mel Robbins (00:27:11):

Was there a moment in the building of it cosmetics where that lie came up for you? You're getting told, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And you start to look around and see there's all these other cosmetic brands. Clearly it's happening for other people and it's not happening for someone like me,

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:27:31):

Yeah, all the time. All the time. The biggest struggle for me was, and especially as we started getting success, which was many years in, but we got a big shot on QVC. So after years of nos, I get a yes on QVC, which is a live television shopping channel for anyone unfamiliar with it. And it's broadcast to 100 million homes at this moment, Mel, we were selling only two to three orders a day on our website. And that's

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:58):

Not enough to pay the bills. Jamie, I

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:28:00):

Dunno if you know that, but that's not enough to pay the bills. You were teetering on bankruptcy for years and after hearing no, after, no after, no after, no even from QVC, I got a yes for one shot in this 10 minute window to launch the product and even

 

Mel Robbins (00:28:16):

Put everybody at the scene because this sounds like something that would cause any human being the biggest case of stress, diarrhea on live television because it is an unbelievable pressure cooker what you have to do. So just for the uninitiated, put us on the set at QVC, you are teetering on bankruptcy.

 

(00:28:41):

You are only selling two of your products every day. You've been at this for years and years and years and know and know and know, and you're up in your head lag. People like me, this doesn't happen. People like me, it happens to them and the lies are coming up. So what do you do at QVC? What do you have to do when somebody says yes, you can sell your product?

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:29:02):

Yeah. So okay, I learned I had to sell over 6,000 units of this product to hit their sales goal in the 10 minute window in 10 minutes. 10 minutes or not come back. And remember, we're only selling two or three orders a day. So I go to 20 banks trying to get a loan to fund the inventory to do this. 22 banks said no. The 23rd Bank, California Bank and Trust gave us a loan for just the amount to cover this purchase order and a little bit more to get my one shot on QVC. 

(00:29:56):

So we figured all out I get there, all of these third party consultants are saying, okay, if you want to do well, here's what you need to do. You need to book this type of model to demonstrate your product, which was all people who look like they're 12 with flawless skin. I'm like, that is not why I created this brand that's not authentic to why I did this. And I would tell them, these third party consultants, and they help a lot of people and they really wanted me to win. And I said, well, what if I put a model in her eighties and then women in their forties and fifties with hyperpigmentation and someone who's dealing with acne, and what if I take my own makeup off on national TV and show my bright red rosacea? And they were mortified. They're like, you're crazy. Yes, you're crazy.

 

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They said, listen, you get one shot. They're like, you understand? You get one shot, right? And I remember, Mel, I flew out to QVC in Pennsylvania and a week before I sat in this rental car in the parking lot every single day staring at the front door of the building, praying, crying in the car all alone because I felt like the pressure was so heavy. And in that moment, those lies come up and I start to doubt myself. And I think, well, maybe I should be inauthentic. Try it their way and maybe I'll do well finally, and then I'll make money and then I could try it my way. I had all of these thoughts come up and I remember this moment in that car where these words that while authenticity alone doesn't automatically guarantee success in authenticity guarantees failure every time over time, you and I, everyone listening, you can see people popping up online everywhere, and maybe they do well for a minute, but over time it does not work.

 

(00:31:37):

Why is Mel Robbins podcast the number one podcast? Why? Because look how you show up fully, authentically, the same way on air as you are off air. I know this lesson, yet I'm sitting there in my car telling myself lies. Some of your listeners are writing in, right? Things like this don't happen to me. Everyone's telling me I'm crazy, but I know every single person listening, you are not crazy. You are just first. And when someone does not get you, that's okay. Right? You have to align with your authenticity because that's what is your superpower. And I knew that lesson and I was scared out of my mind to trust that. But I did. And I walked into the building and the moment I walked into the studio, there's these giant clocks on the floor that said, 10 minutes. I got 10 minutes to hit those sales goals or not come back.

 

(00:32:27):

And then Mel, I learned right before I went on air that you're not guaranteed your 10 minutes. If you're a minute or two into your presentation, they know by the second if you're hitting sales. If you're a minute or two in and you're not hitting sales numbers your clock, you think you have eight minutes left, it jumps to one minute, you're done. So I learned that and I go on air and you talk about you were mentioning Imagine stress, diarrhea. I go on air, I'm drenched in sweat. I have on two pairs of Spanx under my dress, not because I care what I look like. I was trying to absorb all the sweat so that I didn't sweat through my dress on national tv. And I remember the lights go on and I was trying to do a demonstration to show how my product and crack on my wrist and my hand was shaking so much that the host grabbed my hand, put it under the podium.

 

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She's like, thank you, sugar. And she took over. And I remember the moment on national television, my bright red rosacea comes up my bare face. And I remember walking over to models every age and shape and size and skin tone and skin challenge and calling them beautiful and meaning it. And I didn't know how we were doing a few minutes in, but I knew I wasn't cut yet. And then we got down to the one minute mark left, and I hear the host say, the deep shades almost gone. The tan shades almost sold out. I was like, and then literally the moment, the 10 minute mark hit this giant sold out sign comes up across the screen, I start crying on national television. They cut from me and go to Dyson vacuum or something. And my husband, I remember this. My husband comes rushing through the double doors of the studio.

 

(00:34:06):

I'm sobbing like sobbing. Our very first employee, one of my best friends of 20 years, she was the only person on payroll at the time. We couldn't even afford to pay ourselves. She starts sobbing. My husband comes running over to me and I thought He's going to hug me. And he just looks at me and he puts his arms in the air and his fist and he's like, we're not going bankrupt. And I'm like, real women have spoken and just sobbing. And I remember in that moment, all the things people told me about me would not work the years and years of rejection, the retailers that didn't believe in me making that decision to remind myself and every person listening right now, I don't know what room you're walking into today, what phone call you're walking into, what zoom you're walking into, what idea you're about to share, but you're doubting it. You are not crazy. You are just first, right? You are just first. It's why I wrote this poem that just poured out. Would

 

Mel Robbins (00:35:02):

You read us the poem you wrote?

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:35:04):

I will, yes. And what I'll do is let me read an excerpt of it. It's the only poem in the books. It's called You are Not Crazy, you're just First. Who do you think you are? They say things like that aren't for people like us. Why are you going around changing planning to leave us in the dust? Are you forgetting where you come from? Are we not good enough anymore? And just like that, the temptation to play life small feels more comfortable than before. If you're doubting you're enough, your thoughts, their words have got you down. It's time for your soul to tell your mind there's a new boss in town. See, there's no one else quite like you and the entire universe. And what your soul knows is you're not crazy. You're just first, the first to have your hopes and dreams, the first you there's ever been.

 

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So don't be surprised if they don't get you or try to shame you to fit in. They call you odd, strange, different for having dreams bigger than they can see because those dreams weren't given to them. They see them through fear and anxiety, and even the well-intentioned people who love you to the bone can see you pursuing your dreams as a reminder of them not fulfilling their own. If people like people who are like them, hiding your true self a comfort zone, but a calling unexpressed inside you, leaves you feeling anguished and alone, even inside of your own home, they call you words like crazy and say, we stick together for better or for worse. But what your knowing knows is your not crazy. You're just first, the first to launch the business, to dust your dreams off of the shelf, the first to believe you're worthy of betting on yourself.

 

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The first to beat addiction, to live life sober and awake, the first to end the generational cycle that you know you're born to break, the first to start healing, the first to forgive. So you'll be free the first to love others for who they are, not for who you wish they'd be. And when doubt tempts you to dim your light, always remember this verse. Your soul knows you're made for more with so much purpose, it could burst. You're born with greatness inside you. And whether it's a blessing or a curse, the world won't be better until your greatness is dispersed. See, there's only one of you in the entire universe and your knowing nos deep down, you're not crazy. You're just first.

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:01):

Oh

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:38:02):

Wow. Are you crying, Mel Robbins? Well, I'm just sitting here. I'm very proud of

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:07):

You.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:38:08):

What does that mean to you?

 

(00:38:10):

It means freedom. When you unlearn those lies that lead to self-doubt, oh my gosh. And you start to ignite those truths that wake up worthiness, that is what feels like joy and tastes like freedom. That is when we start to feel alive. That is when the weight of other people's expectations or even the ones we put on ourselves starts to lift. We don't soar to the level of our goals and dreams. We stay stuck at the level of our self-worth. We don't rise to what we believe is possible. We will always fall to what we believe we're worthy of. You will never feel joy and fulfillment in life until you learn to embrace who you truly are and learn to believe you are enough as who you are. And that is the truth. Every person listening, I do not care how many past mistakes and failures and regrets, and none of that is relevant when it comes to your worth and when we learn that it is the most powerful, powerful thing we can do. So

 

Mel Robbins (00:39:10):

I need a tall glass of water in order to just digest what you just poured into us. Jamie, thank you, thank you, thank you. And we're going to take a quick break right now and hear a word from our sponsors. And when we return, don't go anywhere. We have four more lies to cover. And this next one I know that you're going to get a ton out of because it's about your past and about the mistakes that you've made. And Jamie is going to teach you today how to dismantle that lie and how to discover your worth. And to keep on going, welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I'm here with the remarkable Jamie Kern Lima, New York Times bestselling author. She's here with her new book, worthy her as the founder of IT cosmetics, which she sold to L'Oreal for 1.2 billion. And she is here today in her Boston studios to teach you the five lies that you're telling yourself that are holding you back from all of your power and all of your purpose and unlocking all the joy in your life. And so Jamie, let's go to lie number two. My past mistakes and failures determine my future success. And the way that I want to dig into this one is with a question from a listener named Jesse who writes, Jamie, I keep failing over and over and over again. How do I know when it is time to quit? And this gets us back to, is it a no? Like hell no, we're not doing this anymore.

 

(00:40:38):

Or is it a knowing to keep going? What is the specific thing that you could tell her or anybody to do to really tease out a string of rejections? 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:40:54):

Or it's keep going time. Jesse, I love that you asked this question because here's the thing. You go online, all you see is what looks like everyone's successes. And when we're getting rejected, when we're failing, we think something's wrong with us. We think we're alone. We think like, oh, maybe my gut is wrong. I am living proof that rejections, failures, setbacks. No one else believing in you, things not getting traction, things not going your way for a long period of time are not an indication of the potential of your success. They are not. And the people who succeed the most. And you can Google anyone in history, you can read all about my story, Mel Robbins story, that anybody who has moved humanity forward, who has launched an incredible business, an incredible podcast, written a great book, read about all of them, the people who succeed the most are the same people who fail the most because they're the ones who try the most.

 

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So anybody listening today who's been hiding their failures and their past mistakes and thinking, it's just me, first of all, it is, you are not alone. You are one of the brave ones willing to actually go for it. So you're one of the ones now in the rare group who is highly likely to succeed, one of the ones going for it. So that is one of the most important things. And how do you know when it's time? Because I do believe that sometimes knowing when to let go of a dream matters as much knowing when to go afterwards. So how do you do that? So I approach that the same way I approach. Is it time for this relationship to end or me to leave this job or me to leave this friendship or all of those things I get still? And for some people this might look like praying.

 

(00:42:50):

It might look like meditation. I get still, I will pray. I don't talk out loud when I pray. Some people do. There is no wrong way to pray. There is no wrong way to meditate. And so this is a universal tool, whether someone has a faith that they practice or does not, and I literally will ask for the answer. I will ask for the answer, and I'll wait until I hear it. And one thing that's important to do is not project the answer you want and think. You hear that right? You can block your intuition when you're just focused on what you're hoping for. But to really still get quiet and ask the question, I will wait until I feel an intuition or something as close to a feeling or a knowing as I can, and I will take a step in that direction.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:38):

So I want to really break this down.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:43:40):

Yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:42):

Because we're all hanging on your words because that difference between a no is the truth versus a no is just fear and self-doubt. And knowing, being deeper,

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:44:00):

A lot of people, they go, well, I don't hear my intuition. What do I do if I don't hear it? This is a skill that you can build. It's like building a muscle as women especially, oh my gosh, really all generations of women. But when you think about women in their thirties, forties, fifties, sixties in particular, a lot of us were raised to be quiet, to not actually say what we mean and to be people pleasers or we learn that we're not enough on our own. Look at all the studies that show women will make decisions based on consensus. You look at the studies that show when they ask little girls and boys a question, the boys will give an answer right away. The girls will turn to each other and try to come up with a consensus answer. So especially as women learn to not hear our own intuition.

 

(00:44:47):

And so as adults, the beautiful thing is we all have it, and you are never too young or too old to start learning how to hear it again. And so one of my favorite tools to build your intuition is just to take some time, get still, ask a question, see if anything comes up, and that's okay if it doesn't. But then also carve out some time to think back to moments in your life when you had a gut feeling about something and maybe you trusted it. And then what happened? And then similarly, think back to moments when you had a gut feeling. You didn't trust it. You let everyone else's opinion tell you what to do or whatever. You went against your feeling. And then what happened then? And as you focus on those moments in your life, you start to build that muscle

 

(00:45:36):

Of remembering what does that feel like when I have a feeling and when I trusted it or didn't trust it, what happened? And you start building that muscle over time, and you've got to give yourself grace, right? Because you talk about neural pathways on your show all the time, but for a lot of us, we haven't learned how to heal ourself or trust ourself our entire life. What if we all take up this hobby of I'm going to learn to trust my own intuition, and every day I'm going to take one step forward of trusting it or just asking myself before I just give an answer to someone and say yes, when I really mean no, say, oh yeah, I'll volunteer for that thing when you don't want to do it or whatever it is, just pause and be like, how am I really feeling? And that's your intuition telling you exactly what you need to know. And then just making that decision one step at a time to start trusting and to rebuild that muscle.

 

Mel Robbins (00:46:30):

If I can offer to you listening just a little explanation for how I do this.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:46:40):

Yes, yes.

(00:47:58):

So when I'm putting something off, even though it feels a little bit like a relief, I feel a part of me shrinking.

 

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There is something about the energy of that that is depleting and constricting and small. And if I access the knowing what is always true for me, even if it scares the daylights out of me, is that there is something more expansive and there is something through that experience that I know is going to expand or grow or free me up. And that's how I distinguish at a very deep level, okay, what is actually my knowing versus what is the no being driven by emotion or self-doubt or pattern or whatever.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:48:51):

Isn't that so true? When we live in alignment with our truth, you feel that expansion, that freedom, that freedom even. It's like the thing you're dreading. You don't want to do it, but then you do it and you just feel that freedom. Whereas if you're letting yourself doubt, take over the thing telling you don't do it, that doesn't feel that same way. And I love how you described it. It feels constricted. And I just think of we think, oh, I'm going to be who everyone else wants me to be or dim my light to play it safe or to get love. It feels that same way. Dimming our light, not being who we truly are can feel like the safe thing to do, but it feels constricted. But when we show up fully, authentically, even if not everyone gets it, if we make that decision, I'm not crazy. I'm just first, right? You're going to feel what Mel just described, that expansiveness because it's part of your knowing of who you're born to be, of who you're born to be on this earth. And yeah, I love that. That's beautiful.

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:49):

Well, I always get the question, and I know you too too. How do I know the difference between something I'm afraid to do and the fear is real? And here's what I have to say to you. Nine times out of 10, I am afraid to do the thing that I know is right and the fear is real. And that's why you have to get still.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:50:09):

Yes, exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (00:50:10):

Now there's another lie. So this is kind of the third lie that you really had to dismantle, which is your weight determines your worth.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:50:21):

Yes, for every person listening, Mel Robbins, most of my entire life, I believed my weight determined my worth. What does that mean right now? 89% of girls and women will opt out of meaningful activities including interaction with friends and loved ones when they do not like how they look. We miss out on our lives when we are waiting on our weight. And by the way, for some people, it's not literal weight. It's the weight of other people's expectations that they need to stop waiting on the weight of their own expectations. What are you waiting on right now in your life and how are you letting that determine your worth before you live your best life? So this was a lie that took me most of my entire life so far to unlearn. And I created a business that was so about celebrating every person for their authentic beauty.

 

(00:51:19):

I was able to overcome so many lies that lead to self-doubt in my life. I was able to build self-worth around believing I was worthy of having a CEO title of running a business, of building a team of over a thousand, all those things. But I still struggle with the lie that my weight determined my worth. And it wasn't until my daughter's one year birthday we're at this hotel and I'm about to opt out of swimming again because I don't want to wear the swimsuit. I want to sit on the chair on the side of the pool all covered up and miss out on this moment in her life when I realized what has waiting on my weight already cost me in my life? And the answer way too much memories, experiences, joy, all of it. Because as humans, as you know, we're wired to avoid pain at all costs.

 

(00:52:19):

And I had been thinking, oh, if I go out there in my swimsuit, I'll be judged. I'll be this, I'll be that. I was associating pain with that. And that moment I flipped the script and I associated more pain with what I had missed out on with the pain of regret, with the pain of what has weight on my weight already cost me. And that is how I flipped the lie around. And I decided no more. And I literally took my cover up off. I shook my cellulite with joy, and I got right in that pool and I made it not about me anymore. I'm like me hiding on the sidelines is what I'm doing is I'm telling my daughter she's not worthy of her body either. I'm not uhuh. That lie has got to stop. Now, the moment we step into our power, that is when we give other people permission to step into theirs. And now, every time I'll walk around in a swimsuit, all I think about is I would never care what someone else looks like. People do not care what I look like. This is about living life with no regret. This is about inspiring other people to embrace all of who they are and start considering what has waiting on your weight already cost you.

 

(00:53:33):

And when we think of it that way, that is almost way more painful than the fear that we're making up in our heads about just living our best life as who we are exactly as we are.

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:46):

Unbelievable, unbelievable. I don't have anything to add, so I'm going to go to line number four. So line number four. If I stand out, I'll get kicked out. What does that mean?

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:53:58):

This

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:58):

Is a

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:53:58):

Big one because as women, we learn to downplay our strengths, to dim, our light to fit in. We often will bond over problems. We'll be self-deprecating. If we get a victory, we'll downplay it and give credit away to someone else. But if there's something wrong with us, we will tell everyone, oh, my house is a disaster. My kid is a hot mess. And we bond with each other over problems and we worry like, oh, wow. I crushed this or I did. This happened to me. We worry if we share that, then if we're great, we'll get hate.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:38):

I actually struggle with this one. There are very few people that I share my success with or my wins or the things that I'm really proud of that are going really, really well. I chronically downplay things. You're somebody that I'm the first person to text, the first person to be like, oh my God, change this thing big and small. But this is definitely something that I struggle with that. And I grew up around someone who constantly was griping about other people who were wealthy or who had this or who had that or had the other thing. And I started to associate any kind of standing out as attracting disapproval. A lack of love.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:55:31):

Yes, exactly. That's exactly it, right? We think if I stand out, I'll get kicked out. I will no longer belong and be loved. And so we hide and dim our light. 

Mel Robbins (00:56:51):

Awesome. The fifth lie I wanted you to explain that you had to confront was labels are permanent. What does that mean? Yes, Mel,

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:57:00):

So many of us in our life have let labels that someone else said about us. It could be in our childhood, it could be in a relationship as an adult, something an employer said something, someone said online, something we told ourselves, we've let these labels stick to us and take root, and we've told ourself to lie that they're permanent.

 

Mel Robbins (00:57:21):

I have a question for you about this because there is this remarkable thing that happened to you when you were building it cosmetics, where you are wildly successful. You're sitting in a meeting with a bunch of bankers, you have gone through all of these rounds through this process, and somebody gave you a label. And I'd love for you to tell that story and then tell us how the heck did you peel that label off yourself when somebody so publicly just took you down?

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:57:58):

Yes. So often we think the label's permanent or we don't realize we're carrying it around and we're believing it, we're letting it take root in our identity. But labels are like post-it notes. They have this light adhesive, they come right off when you decide for them to come off. But it's hard when we don't realize they're stuck to us and they can be like lead balloons on our wings when we're trying to fly. They hold us down. And so I was meeting with this potential investor, huge private equity company, and you guys, I really wanted him to believe in us. I thought maybe he'll be able to use all his leverage and power to get us into all the retail stores that were telling us no. And this big investor, they're known for taking little small companies and making them huge companies that a lot of us shop for in grocery stores or big box retailers. And to put this in

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:49):

Context, you are already killing it on QVC. This is not like you're in your living room anymore. Yeah, this is, Jamie is legit, the biggest brand at QVC. She's destroying it, and now she's going to level this up. And so she goes to somebody in the industry and she has, you have the results and you have the product and you've got the track record and you've got the revenue, and you go waltzing in there meeting after meeting and tell meeting after

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:59:16):

Meeting,

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:16):

Tell us what

 

Jamie Kern Lima (00:59:17):

Happened. And they loved our products. And I just thought, this is going to be so great because we're going to take it to the next level and all these things. And got to the final meeting. I presented our whole product pipeline for the future, and I just thought this was going so well. I thought, oh my gosh, this is going to be it. This is going to be it. And at the very end of the meeting, he's three feet from me. My husband was on the other side, and I remember the moment his mouth started moving 

(01:00:04):

And I said, yes, please. He says, I just don't think women will buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight. I remember a lifetime of self-doubt and body doubt like flooding my body all at once, right? But Mel, the moment he said those words to me, I just don't think women will buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight. I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can feel like it was yesterday that said he's wrong. And what I know happened in that moment, because I got that deep feeling, was that this dude gave me a no, but God gave me a knowing, right? And it goes back to what we're talking about is whether we're the ones telling ourselves no or someone else gives us a label. And it's a no.

 

(01:00:51):

It always comes down to which you listen to. Do you listen to the know or do you listen to the knowing? We let these labels or these stories we're telling about ourselves stick to us. And sometimes we don't realize we're doing it. Okay? 

(01:02:06):

And instead I'm like, no, no, no. What is something that is actually really true? It has to be true that I'm going to believe about this story. Oh, I'm chosen my birth mom. Her life would've been way easier if she did not have me, but she to have me. And then my parents who raised me chose to adopt it. I'm not rejected. I'm not unwanted. I'm chosen. And here's one of my favorite ones for someone listening today, this is my, oh my gosh, I'm going to jump in my seat. You hopping in your seat? I'm hopping in my seat seat. She's getting wound up everybody. I feel like Jamie's wanted her cell phone. When you talk about our knowing, I just think about every day we get rejected. We tell ourselves nos, we get people sticking labels on us. We apply for the job, we want it so bad, and we don't know why they didn't see our value, and we don't get it.

 

(01:02:52):

And we have the person betray us or pull the rug out from under us. And we're so tempted to assign a label that is disempowering. And so my favorite way to do this is to replace it with new empowering labels. So for example, every time something like that happens to me, I will assign a new label that I believe to be true. Whether it was the person that I really wanted to be friends with and they just don't see my value, or the people that don't include me or the door that closed in my face or whatever it is, I decide the label is divinely ordered. My life is divinely orchestrated, and I choose that label and that trust over rejected failure. By the way, Mel, I don't think I've ever shared this before out loud, but in high school I was voted biggest procrastinator,

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:44):

Really

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:03:44):

Biggest procrastinator in the high school yearbook. And listen, at the time, it was kind of true. You know what I mean? I wanted to hang out with my friends and I was working four jobs, and so I'd turn in homework late and all these things, if I let that label that people gave me at that time, biggest procrastinator, there're right in the yearbook. If I let that take root, I could have never, I could have never, when I had those feelings, when I was a struggling waitress feeling like, oh, I could launch a business. If I let that label take root, I could have never done it, right? It's about assigning new labels.

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:22):

And this is everywhere. I'm thinking people that say, I'm not a morning person, or I'm not smart, or I'm not good with languages, or I'm not great at math, or I could

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:04:31):

Never, I'm too old. I I'm too old. I'm too

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:33):

Young.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:04:34):

Got my days have passed. No one

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:36):

Wants all of it, all of it. I feel like I should just race out of here and go do something. I'm like, okay, alright. All go worthy. You're like a great sermon or motivated. I'm like, okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go. Well, whatever happened to that investor?

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:04:55):

Did you ever

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:55):

See him again?

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:04:56):

Okay, I didn't hear by the way I prayed before this episode. Something that would happen in this room today is exactly for someone listening to us right now. So I love that you feel that way. I feel that way. I cannot wait until people write into the Mel Robbins podcast and share this episode because we all need to unlearn these lies that lead to self-doubt. Okay? I did not hear from that potential investor again for six years. The day that we sold our business to L'Oreal, right? Which how wild. I mean, when I was waitressing Denny saving my tip money, I could have never imagined that this would all happen. I had hoped I had little feelings, but the day L'Oreal bought our business for 1.2 billion cash and they were a public company, so it was all over the press. It was the homepage of the Wall Street Journal. That was the first time I heard from him, the one who said, women won't buy makeup from someone who looks like it. First time I heard from him in six years and he said, congratulations on the L'Oreal deal. I was wrong.

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:57):

No shit,

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:06:01):

And it's funny, I know I've joked with you before about this, that in that moment, I just think for anyone who's seen the movie Pretty Woman, where she goes in the store and they won't help her, and then she comes back later, what I wanted to say to him in that moment was big mistake. Huge, huge. I can give you 1.2 billion reasons why it was a huge mistake, but I kept it classy. I did not say that I wouldn't have wanted to be him, and I believe I go into worthy about, but

 

Mel Robbins (01:06:32):

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. If he had said yes, you wouldn't have sold your company for over a billion dollars to L'Oreal and you wouldn't have been directed on the path you were meant to go. And one of my biggest takeaways always when I listen to you and I hear your wisdom, is that it's easy to look backwards at your life. And both go, thank God it happened that way. Or I now understand how all the dots connect.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:07:13):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:07:14):

What you are talking about is the life changing magic of learning how to be in the present moment, the present day, and trust that the dots will connect and that your life is directing you toward the lessons or toward the life that you are supposed to be leading. And that if you can get out of this self-doubt and if you can tee up the lies and the labels that you keep telling yourself that simply aren't fricking true, that you can drop into this deeper knowing. And the deeper knowing can be as simple as it is going to work out. I am figuring it out. I do know what is right for me,

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:08:08):

And I'm worthy of being who I am. I'm worthy of my goals and my dreams and our self-worth is our ceiling. Our self-worth is our ceiling in every area of life. And it's those lies that I'm so grateful we got to dive into that. They create a ceiling for us. They create a ceiling. And so unlearning those lies and learning to believe that you are worthy exactly as you are, you are not crazy. You're just first, that your past failures do not determine your future successes. That if you stand out, you'll get kicked out. Oh, Uhuh, if you stand out, that is how you step into alignment with your assignment and the person that you're born to be. So it's like I'm learning those lies is the greatest way to get on that, on your north star of who you're born to be and to enjoy the journey.

 

(01:08:59):

Because when we're living under the belief of all these lies, you cannot be fulfilled no matter how much you accomplish, you cannot be fulfilled when you don't believe you're enough. You cannot accomplish your way into fulfillment when underneath it all, you don't believe you're enough. You cannot get married and have the kids and get the six pack abs and do all the things you thought. And then those that make you fulfilled, they will not make you fulfilled when underneath it all you do not believe you are worthy or enough. And so that is why this episode is so powerful that you're putting out about unlearning the lies you are fully worthy and learning to believe you are and that you are enough. That is what brings fulfillment in your whole life. That's when you on that path are able to be fulfilled as you step into all the most beautiful and hard and difficult parts of your life.

 

(01:09:44):

And last thing I'll say is when you believe you're worthy, you become more fearless and more ambitious, right? Because oh, I might go for it and fall flat on my face. It might shake my confidence for a little bit, but it cannot touch my self-worth, right? So your self-worth is your ceiling, which is why I'm so passionate about this because when we don't believe we're enough as we are, we'll either stay stuck, we'll go for things and sabotage them. We'll hit a ceiling or we'll actually achieve them, but feel empty and like something's missing. So believing you're enough, building your sense of worthiness, it's the key. I did a lot of things my whole life where I did not feel fulfilled and I thought something was missing, even though I was achieving, and I didn't know why. And it's because deep down inside, I didn't yet believe I was enough. So that is the one thing that will change everything.

 

Mel Robbins (01:10:32):

Jamie Kern Lima, I cherish our friendship. I love you. I love your wisdom and how relatable you are. Thank you, thank you, thank you for pouring into us and for writing a book that gives us a pathway to discovering our self-worth and unlocking the unique limitless potential of our lives. I love you. And for you listening, I just want to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And clearly identifying these lies and these labels and punching them in the face and tapping into your self-worth is the way you're going to do that. I'll talk to you in a few days.

 

Jamie Kern Lima (01:11:20):

Don't be surprised if they don't get you or try to shame you to fit in because when you people please for others, you end up betraying yourself. There's no one else quite like you and the entire universe, and what your soul knows is you're not crazy. You're just first.