The 51% Rule (and 3 More Strategies to Think Like a Millionaire)

Steven Bartlett (00:21:27):

Yeah, that's accurate. Yeah, I always thought I was, and I dunno how to say this because people think it's a bit arrogant or whatever, I always thought I wasn't the things that the system said I was. I thought I had loads of talent and potential. I thought I was different in a good way and the system told me I wasn't. When you put a kid in exclusion unit and you make him copy from a piece of paper and over and over again for hours and you make him look at a wall and you give him this report card where you grade him every day because you think he's naughty, I just thought the system was wrong and I thought I was right and I became very good at tuning into that voice. It's one of the things that I think is the most liberating thing for anyone who's looking for answers to do is instead of searching for answers in books and on podcasts and all of these things, take a second and just ask yourself, how do I feel? This is a lot of what you talk about as well is you body will tell you long before your brain will, and I heard you say this on my podcast, which is exactly the way I always view it, is we are all born with this internal signal called call it intuition. I just call it how you feel.

 

(00:22:39):

And as we grow up, we're almost brainwashed by society to tune out of that voice which is there and to tune into this external voice, which is how you should feel

 

(00:22:50):

And this is how you should feel voices. You make a million pounds, you have a nice car, you should feel like this. So we tune into that and we let that voice guide us, but it just guides us to nowhere good. It guides us to midlife crises, it guides us to health breakdowns. When our body starts to rebel against the decisions we've made, I've developed through trial and error the belief that how I feel should also correlate to how I act. And in the short term there's a shedding, there's a mom stops court speaking to you for two years. You lose a friendship group. You might end up in the exclusion unit in school, but if you can persist, if you have the belief that that internal voice is actually guiding you to somewhere you should be where your health and happiness is, then you will create a life in a very short amount of time that's very closely resembles the one you've always dreamed of. If you are very bad at shooting into that voice, you will live with this sense of hopelessness, stuckness if you spent too long tuning into the external voice, which comes from your parents, from school, from Instagram, from university.

 

Mel Robbins (00:23:52):

Can I point something out about you that's really interesting. You have known this since you were little. I just had this insight about you that you have been at war internally with what the world was telling you how you should feel and knowing deeply that that's not how you feel about yourself.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:24:18):

That is the story of both my childhood and my life, which is just that belief that most of the obstacles that we stand in front of us are self-imposed. There's this incredible video I love watching whenever I need to watch it as a reminder of these self-imposed limitations. I dunno if you've seen it. They take her an ant and they put it on a piece of paper and they draw the circle around it. Have you seen that video?

 

Mel Robbins (00:24:39):

And it just, they draw a circle and it just literally walks in circles.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:24:42):

It stays inside the circle, right? So they draw the circle around it and it stays inside the circle and they've drawn it with a pen. And objectively you look at it and go, that ant isn't trapped. It just believes it is because they've drawn this sort of limitation, this figment of its imagination, this circle around it. They do the same thing with a spider in this other video. And as they're making the circle smaller and smaller and smaller, the spider accidentally steps over the pen line and then they try and trap it again with the pen. And for the rest of that spider's life, it can never be trapped by the pen again. So they chase it down the table drawing circles around it, and it is free. And it's the same thing I'm describing. It's once you see behind the curtain and you realize that most of our limitations, yours and mine are both these figments of our imagination that we've accepted to be real and true and to stand in our way and that they're false. There's very little that can take you back to that place. But how does it happen? Will you have to step over the line?

 

Mel Robbins (00:25:36):

When I hear you talk, I'm like, push my ass off that cliff. Let's go. Tell me where the circle is, Steven, because I want the light bulb moment that you have that is part of the belief system that you have cultivated and that you over and over and over and over and over again demonstrate with how you show up in life. And so let's take a couple scenarios.

 

(00:26:01):

Let's take an example in real life. Yesterday in the airport, a woman walks up to me and says, Mel, could you do a show on finding purpose in your twenties? And I said, sure, what do you do for a living? She said, I'm a banker. And I said, well, what do you like doing? I love being with kids. I'd love to be a teacher. And obviously it's very easy to say to somebody that you've just met, well, duh, then stop being a banker and go be a teacher. I do feel that the reason why somebody wouldn't quit banking is they're afraid of what other people would think.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:26:41):

And here we go. So they've done there is they've put the most important goal that any of us can have in the world below someone else's opinion. And that in there is the problem. It all comes back to what is the most important goal for all of us. And I would argue that the most important goal that we can all aim at is our own happiness. And happiness is such a strange word. So I'm using it intentionally. Ambiguously, you can define it for yourself, but I think that should be the north star. And when that is the north star, anything that stands to compromise your chance of happiness is the greatest risk of all. So you are by way of that decision, a huge risk taker. You are the biggest

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:20):

Risk taker. Oh, because you're staying in banking and it's a huge risk.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:27:23):

Go and speak to people that have zero days left

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:26):

And zero standard and you've got it exactly wrong because the biggest risk is staying in banking when the greatest,

 

Steven Bartlett (00:27:34):

The biggest risk is not what people might say when you leave banking. The biggest risk is doing another decade in banking. And looking back with the retrospective clarity that you had your priorities all wrong. You cared about Sally and Jenny's opinion in the WhatsApp group, not your own happiness, and you had one life to live. That breaks my heart and that's what I observe in the world. I observe people overstaying their welcome for decades and situations and risking the most important thing, which palliative nurses like Broy ware talk about when they interview people on their last day of their life, they just wish the number one regret of the dying is they wish they'd lived, that they'd gone and been that entrepreneur. They'd taken those ballet classes in Peru, they desperately wish they could have one more day to do it. I'm not going to risk laying there with those regrets.

 

(00:28:18):

You can if you want to gamble that much with your life, I'm not going to do it. And I'm so attuned to the fact that I'm going to die someday. And when you really understand that, that's why there's a sand timer on the shelf behind you. There's sand timers all over my house. It's the reminder that by the way, buddy, your time is ticking away. You can't see how much you have left. And that gives you the required urgency to take on big challenges, to quit quickly, to leave situations that are compromising your health and happiness and to go and pursuit for yourself. And when people ask myself, you're 30 years old, you've started all these businesses, you've done all this stuff, I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I'm not going to risk my happiness.

 

Mel Robbins (00:28:59):

You have this, I'd say more than almost anybody I've ever met. And I don't know you very well, but I just watch what you're doing from this side of the pond. And I've listened to enough of your interviews and read your books that it is very clear that your superpower is in making decisions that you know are right for you and trusting yourself in that, trusting yourself in the decision that you're making and trusting yourself in your ability to face whatever comes next.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:29:39):

There's two things that came to mind when you said, I was reading about Jeff Bezos who built Amazon second most highly valued company in the world. I think it's worth $2 trillion or something. And in one of his shareholder letters, he says that there's two types of decisions in life. You have type one decisions and type two decisions. Type one decisions are the doors you can't walk back through.

 

(00:29:59):

Take your time on those ones like me resigning from my company. But most decisions in life are actually type two decisions which adores you can walk back through if you were wrong. Most of the things that we end up mulling, anding over and worrying about are type two decisions. He says, make those decisions as fast as you possibly can. 

Mel Robbins (00:31:10):

I want to take a highlighter and repeat that line that in life a hundred percent certainty on big decisions, it only exists in hindsight. And you've had that experience, haven't you, where you look back and you say, oh God, I wish I would've if I had only known, but here's what Steven's trying to get you and me to understand the information that you have now you didn't have back then. If you had it back then you would've made a different decision. But we're not talking today about making different decisions, we're talking about how you make better decisions. And here's what you have to understand. You'll never have a hundred percent certainty and you cannot wait for it. And this is what I'm going to now refer to as the 51% rule. And you have to know about this because if you're somebody who is constantly overthinking or worrying or doubting yourself when it comes to making decisions in your life, that's the formula. You can only be a hundred percent certain years after you make the decision. But you will never be a hundred percent certain before you make the decision. That's why you have to use the 51% rule. Look for 51% certainty in the moment. That's the goal because 51% certainty will stop you from overthinking and doubting yourself. And I want to remind you something, this is such an important point.

 

(00:32:40):

Overthinking is a decision. Doubting yourself is a decision. Not making a decision is a decision. And think about how much time has gone by, how often you doubt and overthink and you let perfectionism rob you of the ability to make a decision and just do something you've wanted to do that you didn't go on that trip, you didn't say yes to that date. You didn't start writing, you didn't start the YouTube channel. You've been thinking about it for me, I've talked a lot about it in our conversations for years. I didn't start this podcast. That was a decision. Why? Because I was waiting for a hundred percent certainty. The 51% rule will help you get started. So grab onto that tool, start using it, and you better stick around because we're just getting started in terms of tips and tools and the art and science.

 

(00:33:34):

And when we come back, Steven has another story. This one is about a father and a son who run a business together and the story will help illustrate the next tool that you're going to learn, which is the speed of a decision. So stay with us. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. Thank you for deciding to stick around and listen to this conversation between me and Steven Bartlett today. You and I are both learning about the art and science of decision-making, how to make better decisions for you in your life from none of them than Steven Bartlett. And you've already learned two really important tools. The first one is that there's two types of decisions, type one and type two. Type one as Steven describes them are decisions that are irreversible. Okay? The second type of decision is a type two decision.

 

(00:34:23):

This is something that you can decide to change later. And as you heard me say loud and clear, almost every decision is a type two decision because almost every decision is reversible, and yet you get so paralyzed because you think everything is fixed in stone. As my daughter likes to say, mom, it's not that deep. Okay? Your decision's not that deep. Now let's remind you of the second tool that you and I learned. The 51% rule, you're never going to be a hundred percent sure, and as soon as you're 51% sure it's a yes or 51% sure it's a no. Make the decision. Now we're ready with that quick recap to drop back into this conversation, and Steven is at the part where he is going to explain something about the speed of a decision. And I love the stories about to tell you because it's not only going to help you make a lot more money, it's going to help you stop wasting so much time thinking things through.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:35:16):

I spent 10 years working in marketing and there's this one particular company which you'll know that is run by the father and the other part of the company is run by the son. And the son's business started a little bit later, but they're both in the same industry. I'd go to the father's office every week and I'd present him new ideas and he'd spend six months, nine months waiting for Rochelle to get back from annual leave to sign it off and arguing about the details, et cetera. I'd bring the same idea to the sun that same day. Literally they live on the offices are on the same street. He would interrupt me halfway through, he'd go and tell his assistant, go and get Nikki. He'd call the marketing team in, tell me to repeat it. He'd look at both of us without a contract, his marketing team and me and say, do this now.

 

(00:36:01):

And what he intuitively knew is what a lot of the successful people I interview know is that the biggest cost in life isn't a failed experiment being wrong about a decision. It is the nine months, that 10 years, the 15 years you waste deciding whether to make the decision because that was a type two decision where 

Mel Robbins (00:37:06):

Lemme give you a personal example of a decision type two decision that I think people think is a type one. One of the best things that you could do if you are in a relationship that sucks or is sucking the life force out of you is to break up. Or if you're married to say out loud, I want a divorce, I'm miserable. And the reason why that is a type two decision that people mistake for a type one is because simply saying this isn't working causes a change in the relationship for the better

 

Steven Bartlett (00:37:47):

Or for the or not,

 

Mel Robbins (00:37:48):

Or not or not. But the only way that relationship is actually changing is if you make a decision to say the way that it is isn't working. And so I personally feel like part the framework of the type one and type two decision is insanely helpful. And the issue for most of us is that we mistake those type two decisions

 

Steven Bartlett (00:38:16):

Hundred percent

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:16):

For something else.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:38:19):

She can go back and be a banker.

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:21):

Of course that's true. She can go back and be a

 

Steven Bartlett (00:38:25):

Banker, Mel Robbins in an airport. And I am telling you now as a banker, she's got a couple of dollars probably, but she will probably become the dad in that example and ruminate over that decision for three years. She might go and try working with kids yesterday and find out it sucks. And that's what the son knew. The son would conduct the experiments right or wrong, he was closer to the correct answer. The problem is people never make the decision to get the feedback. Failure is feedback. Feedback is knowledge and knowledge is power. They never get the knowledge because they never want to fail. So they live sort of trapped and imprisoned in their current misery because 

Mel Robbins (00:39:10):

To the person that is in that conundrum. I'm a banker, I think I want to be over here. How do you find out? Or do you have another matrix that you use to figure out what you actually want in a moment where you're just engulfed with uncertainty?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:39:34):

My natural reaction was to go back to the way I've built and run all my businesses, which is scientific method, which is the experimentation. And I think that's the only way we find out in life, but no one wants to do it. If I had a 7-year-old kid and they said, dad, I want to sell pen lids, fantastic. That weekend we're going to go to the pen lid museum and find out because failure is the feedback that you're searching for. It isn't Mel Robbins in an airport and on life matters of purpose and meaning. Mel Robbins in an airport can't tell you what your purpose and meaning is and whether it's kids or banking. So failure is feedback. Feedback is the knowledge you're looking for, and knowledge is power. So therefore failure is the power you're looking for. Currently. You feel disempowered, and the only way that you're going to feel empowered and feel the power that you're seeking is to

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:24):

Fail at the thing you're doing, which is banking

 

Steven Bartlett (00:40:27):

Fail

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:28):

Or fail at teaching,

 

Steven Bartlett (00:40:29):

Failing or trying something new. We can find the right answer in a world that is so nuanced and ever changing, not by reading a book or doorstepping melon an airport, but by running the experiment like a type two decision as fast as we can, the world is only going to change faster and faster and faster and ever before, which means the correct answer took these life questions, how to structure a marriage, how to work from home or office, how to build a business. All these things, the correct answer is going to change so quickly that you're not going to get it anywhere else other than conducting an experiment in your life, which means taking that first step. And my whole thesis for why any of the companies I run will be successful is because we out fail the competition. Any of my businesses, I can tell you how many experiments my head of experimentation and failure conducted this week can take how many? And I take the same approach from my life, which is in my romantic

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:21):

Relationship. How does that work in relationships?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:41:23):

I'll tell you. So convention says for example, that two people in a relationship I know have to sleep in the same bed at night. But if you reason from first principles, first principle is basically something that you know to be true about now and your

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:38):

Situation,

 

Steven Bartlett (00:41:39):

Which is if you reject all conventions nonsense and think that's other people's solutions for other people's times, other people's situations. So put simply a first principle of mine and my girlfriend's relationship is that we have different chronotypes. A chronotype basically dictates the time when you are activated, you're creative, what time you wake up in the morning when you get hungry.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:01):

Does that mean like a night person versus a morning person?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:42:04):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:04):

Okay.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:42:04):

Yeah. And then that has implications for how you sleep. So my girlfriend is a whale chronotype, which basically means she goes to bed at 9:00 PM she gets up at six. That's you, same. I'm an owl, which means that I go to bed at one or 2:00 AM and I get up at about eight or nine, kind of just let it run. As you know, I don't set an alarm. That's one. First principle. We have different chronotypes. First principle number two is that so many relationships end according to Matthew Walker, who's the sleep expert about, I think he said 10 to 20% of relationships can be linked back to sleep issues. Couples not sleeping problem properly, which causes arguments, all kinds of issues in their relationships. He says 10 to 20%. So we know that we need to get sleep. Maybe a third point is when you understand sleep cycles, as I know you do, the restorative sleep happens about 60 minutes into the cycle when you go into stage four, which is REM sleep, but also most of the REM sleep. And those sleep cycles get shorter late at night. So if I go to bed at 2:00 AM it's by six 7:00 AM that my sleep cycles are really, really short. They go down from 90 minutes to 45 minutes. All of my restorative sleep is happening. Most of it's happening between the hours of six and nine. So in that example, if my girlfriend wakes up at six, she can destroy 50% of my restorative sleep, which is then going to put me in a terrible mood the next

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:32):

Day.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:43:33):

So in days where she has to get out of bed early for whatever reason, we have a spare room, convention goes, he doesn't love you, but first principles and thinking for yourself in a world that's always changing and you're conducting experiments to find the answer goes, you're both going to be happier when you wake up giving your relationship more chance. It's the same thing with me quitting university. It's the same thing with all the stories I've told about quitting rejection of convention. And I'm going to find out by conducting an experiment myself and in my partner, I've got a good experimentation partner who understands that the goal here isn't satisfying external expectation. As we said. It goes back to how do we feel

 

Mel Robbins (00:44:12):

Amazing?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:44:14):

So we have a spare. I sleep in a different red when I

 

Mel Robbins (00:44:16):

Need to travel here. It sounds like it's a great thing, it's a great relationship. It's a great thing.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:44:20):

We don't have the insecurity comes from external narrative. It comes from, well, if he's sleeping in that room over there, then he doesn't love you. Of course I fucking love you. Where did you get that nonsense from? Instagram? And it's the same thing with our lives. Where did you get that nonsense about you wanted to be a banker from

 

Mel Robbins (00:44:35):

Your parents,

 

Steven Bartlett (00:44:35):

Your parents or

 

Mel Robbins (00:44:36):

Your friends?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:44:37):

Yeah, or some teacher in school said that would make you happy and rich. You didn't run the experiment yourself, so you never got the feedback, you didn't get the knowledge, and now you're disempowered. So wow. That's how I build all my businesses. It's how I've run everything in my life is just the assumption that I probably don't know the right answer and convention probably doesn't either.

 

Mel Robbins (00:44:53):

But if I actually sit down with a blank piece of paper and I go first principles, which are the things that I care about, the things that I know and what I actually

 

Steven Bartlett (00:45:02):

Want,

 

Mel Robbins (00:45:04):

Then I can make a decision for me.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:45:05):

You can reason up from there.

 

Mel Robbins (00:45:06):

I want to go back to the ant and the spider in the circle. How would you advise someone who's listening to this and they're like, but I don't trust myself, but I have a string of examples of how I've blown it.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:45:22):

Evidence. You have a string of evidence about how you've blown

 

Mel Robbins (00:45:25):

It. Yes. So what would be just the next right step for somebody who's like, I'm in, I want to go off the cliff, I want to erase the circle, I want to sell the pack of cigarettes. I really want a breakthrough in testing what I believe about myself. Is there a way that anybody could kind set up something like this?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:45:47):

Yeah. So I think that going off the cliff analogy is so terrifying that it's inaccessible. And this is part of the reason why I think people don't act in line with the person they want to be because they see it as climbing Mount Everest.

Mel Robbins (00:46:52):

You

 

Steven Bartlett (00:46:53):

Can't rely on emotion to get you there, but it's the smallest step you can take to counteract your existing evidence about yourself. 14 years old, for me, that was walking out on stage in front of my peers, pissing my pants and running out the room after delivering a talk. I then went back onto the stage. A couple of days later, I ran out of the room and the piece of paper I was given, my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't read it, so I just made up the words blurted out, the words ran out. Got

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:17):

It. Okay.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:47:19):

The reason why I can then speak in Sao Paulo with Obama in a big arena of tens of thousands of people is because I put myself in situations whether small or big, to counteract my existing evidence. And something a friend once said to me recently was The reason we don't do that, the reason we don't take that small step forward is sometimes the small step is so unbelievably embarrassing that we don't think it'll be consequential. We're so ashamed by how small that step has to be. For some people that's literally getting out of the bed

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:46):

And

 

Steven Bartlett (00:47:47):

Going to the toilet, and there's so much shame associated with that. It feels so minute and inconsequential that we don't think it matters, but it's everything. That first step is everything. It's the pack of cigarettes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:59):

I think it can maybe even make this more tactical for the personal listening. So if you think about what Steven's teaching you and you, let's go to the example of the banker who thinks she wants to be a teacher. And I can imagine her standing on a piece of paper with a circle around her and the first step is not quitting the banking job. The first step, which literally takes her out of that circle and across the line,

 

Steven Bartlett (00:48:43):

Can I guess what you're going to say?

 

Mel Robbins (00:48:45):

Go for it.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:48:46):

Is it using your evenings and weekends?

 

Mel Robbins (00:48:49):

It could be that. It could be Googling teaching certificate, it could be using your evenings and weekends. It's literally one move out of the

 

Steven Bartlett (00:49:00):

Circle. I always think this with people when they say to me they want to start a business and then they say to me six months later they want to start a business and then six months later I go, I think part of the reason you're not doing it is because you see the challenge as like Mount Everest, and that's causing you so much psychological discomfort that you're channeling that energy into procrastination, talking and deferring it. What you need to do to today is start the Instagram page. This for me is one of my big hacks in life is the minute I go on Instagram, click create new account, and I just write the name, the trainer has left the station, and that for me is starting the business. But people don't see that as they think they have to launch this website and

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:39):

Hire these people. Oh, hold on. I want to make sure everybody just got that.

 

(00:49:43):

Steven has launched and sold multiple businesses and invests in them and sits on boards, and you are constantly leaning into new ideas and curious about things. What he just told you is that the way that he gets out of the ideation stage, and I should start a business stage or maybe I'm going to get into this collaborative workspace business until community, isn't that what it's called? Until community is he goes to Instagram and creates an Instagram account with the business name of the business. 

Steven Bartlett (00:50:24):

If you look at my, I've never written a business plan in my life. I dunno where people get this business plan stuff from. I've never written one in my life and I don't intend to start. Now if you look at my phone, which is in the room behind you, you'll see a bunch of Instagram pages for businesses that I'm yet to launch because I just want to secure the Instagram page. And I also see that as step one of setting an intention, which is the easiest step one can make towards the direction I want to travel.

 

Mel Robbins (00:50:47):

So to the banker listening, you opening your mouth and telling Mel Robbins, that was your step one.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:50:53):

I just want people to, right?

 

Mel Robbins (00:50:54):

And then step two is the next thing. This is how you started in social media. So when you were 21, right? Weren't you 21 years old? And so would you please give that example of how you just got started of you made yourself a promise, 7:00 PM 8:00 PM

 

Steven Bartlett (00:51:17):

What? Posting?

 

Mel Robbins (00:51:17):

Yes.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:51:18):

Ah, okay.

 

Mel Robbins (00:51:19):

You see what I mean? This is an example of that.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:51:22):

Yeah. I mean, so on the personal brand side of things and the content creation and the storytelling side of things, I created an obligation with myself where at 7:00 PM every single day, I would write 140 character quote or make a video based on what had happened to me that day. And it's of all the things I've done in my life, it is the single highest yielding, most valuable habit or discipline I ever instilled. Because not only is that the thing that cured the trauma I had around relationships with my parents because at 7:00 PM every day I had to look down on how I'd behave that day. The notes I'd taken, the avoidant behavior I'd demonstrated in my relationships, I had to summarize it and then I had to teach it. But also it improved my communication and my writing skills. There's this guy called Richard Fryman, who's this American psychologist who came up with this technique and they call it the fryman technique.

 

(00:52:16):

They say it's the ultimate way to learn and to develop. The idea is you learn something, you then condense it down to the understanding of a 10-year-old as if you had to teach it to a 10-year-old. You then deliver it to the world, teach it to the 10-year-old, and then based on the 10 year old's reaction, you then go to the top. And the whole principle here is your ability to summarize a concept correlates to your ability to actually understand it. I was doing that. I've done that for six, seven years now. That meant that all of my experience, people say that people use the word wise or they use these words, they describe me as being older. It's purely because I feel like I've got more wisdom out of every day that I've lived because of this introspection. It's the single greatest hack that I could give to any young person or old person in the world is this habit of introspection and teaching in some regard.

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:01):

So walk us through how to do it.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:53:03):

What I would do if you want to do it, the Steve Bartlett way that I

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:06):

Did it. Yes, I do.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:53:07):

Is I get it. I'm going to say something here. Create a Instagram page or a Twitter account. Whatever you want to do,

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:13):

Don't

 

Steven Bartlett (00:53:13):

Need followers, don't need to tell anybody exists. And as you go through your day, keep notes in your phone so you have an argument with your friend. You respond negatively to a situation. Someone cuts you off in traffic. You feel something when you have these feelings. Write them down in the notes of your phone. And at 7:00 PM every single night, six, 7:00 PM every single night, all I want you to do is to fit that experience into the confines of a 280 character tweet or post. And I want you to post it. And I can't tell you that cycle of and having an experience summarizing it down to its essence, which is the true definition of understanding and then posting out and sharing it with the world. And step four is not so important, which is getting some feedback on what you said drives you forward more, I think in key areas of your life, helps you understand your cycles and does the hardest thing which I think any of us can achieve, which is heightens your self-awareness, which has been this really elusive thing on the podcast that I've asked people over and over again, how does one increase their self-awareness?

 

(00:54:09):

And I think this is the easiest way to do it in a reliable way. I remember that day.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:17):

It sounds like a lot of work.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:54:19):

Oh, it's the easiest thing. And I think it's remarkably enjoyable. I would not be in a relationship now at 31 years old and I've been in a relationship for four years. Super happy going to propose any minute now.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:29):

Did she know that?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:54:30):

Do we have to

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:31):

Hold

 

Steven Bartlett (00:54:31):

This? No, I don't care. She knows. What's that? I say it a lot.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:34):

So

 

Steven Bartlett (00:54:34):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:35):

Okay.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:54:35):

If I hadn't done that because there was this cycle going on that I was a total puppet two, and I didn't know the puppet master was my childhood trauma and I was just doing it every day. I would be interested in someone, I'd pursue them, they'd show interest in me, I'd run off. I didn't understand the cycle. And then one day in the notes of my phone, I wrote connecting two dots, which is much easier to do when you're looking down on a piece of paper. I wrote kind of feels like referring to the feeling in my chest that I got when this girl said she wanted to be in a relationship with me, how I felt when I watched my father sat there and my mom shouting at him the minute the girl said she wanted to be in a relationship with me. I felt like a bird trapped in a cage and the only bird, bird trapped in a cage I ever knew was my father. And I go, oh, okay. I learned love. I learned the model of love from watching those two go at war. And it's ingrained in me now, and I'm just playing

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:25):

Out circuit. You know what I want you to do? I want you to stop saying that

 

Steven Bartlett (00:55:28):

What?

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:29):

That you learned the model of love because you didn't learn the model of misery.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:55:34):

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Then they're certainly not happy,

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:37):

Are they? Together?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:55:38):

They are. Which is crazy. They're like cohabiting now, I believe because they've got no other friends and they're at a certain age. They've just made the decision to cohabit, which is not something I'd wish for myself.

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:53):

And what's your relationship like with him?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:55:57):

With my dad, it's never been affectionate, but it's good with my mom. It's complicated. It's very complicated.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:06):

How so?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:56:09):

I still think she's got some issues with money, which is difficult when your child now has a lot of it.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:14):

Why is she asking you for money?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:56:16):

Yeah, and I will buy, does

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:18):

She still have a gambling problem?

 

Steven Bartlett (00:56:20):

I'll buy anything. I still think her sweet tooth is starting businesses that aren't going to succeed. So I will buy them. My deal with my parents is I'll buy you anything you need for your house, holidays, health, whatever, food. I pay for their food every week, you name it, dentistry, bills, whatever. But I will not pay to start a business for my mom because I watched for 25 years her start 25 businesses, and I watched the impact it had on the entire family. So I'll pay for everything else, but I won't start a business. Unfortunately, my mom only wants one thing. She doesn't want the Christmas presents, she doesn't want me to pay for anything else. She wants me to pay for her to start businesses.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:55):

Well, if she's smart, you she'll just sell the shit that you buy her and use the money to find her

 

Steven Bartlett (00:57:00):

Businesses. I think she tried that a few times and I clocked onto it. But it's an interesting subject because sometimes in life there's someone usually family or a friend where you have to say, I love you, but I also love myself. And my number one responsibility is protecting myself. And now as this 31 year, year old adult that's about to start a family of my own, I now have the choice whether I let this cycle repeat itself and letting the cycle repeat itself would be doing the easier thing, which is just sending this individual money. So I said to my brothers, and so all I have for myself is I have to have a boundary even against my mom,

 

Mel Robbins (00:57:37):

Especially, honestly,

 

Steven Bartlett (00:57:39):

Especially.

 

Mel Robbins (00:57:40):

And as a mother, I personally feel that it is really important that kids have boundaries with their parents.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:57:51):

It's the thing people struggle with in terms of interpersonal relationships the most, which is that's my blood, that is my mother or my father. It causes a huge amount of internal conflict. And it goes back to that old plane analogy where you've got to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on the child or anyone else. And that's what I do in my relationship with my mother. I have a boundary and I've had that

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:18):

Boundary. I think it's cruel not to have

 

Steven Bartlett (00:58:19):

Boundaries.

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:20):

Cruel, yes. Because otherwise what happens is people continue to behave in ways that bother you and you don't let them know, or you don't express a boundary, but then you sit and judge and are angry at them. And so I think it's more compassionate and kinder to actually tell people how you feel and what you need and where their needs and your ability to support them begin and end.

 

Steven Bartlett (00:58:53):

I completely agree. And I think in doing so, I'm inadvertently giving my mother an opportunity to learn a lesson that I think she's not been able to learn. Because for 30 years, my father has propped up a situation to his detriment from losing all of his money, smashed up house verge of bankruptcy, which she hasn't learned. And so

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:13):

By and neither has he, by the way,

 

Steven Bartlett (00:59:14):

I've got so many examples in my life. My best friend, he was 32 years old, I was 25. I was living in a mansion. He was staying in my spare room. One day I say to him, I say, bro, I love you. And he talks about this. I say, you got to go. And he, at 32 years old, my best friend on earth had to go back to his childhood bedroom in Grimsby. And it was painful, it was sad. And four years later, he's a millionaire living in Dubai. And I've got another friend, one of my best friends who listens to this podcast all the time, who was at my company and he was slacking. 

Mel Robbins (01:00:12):

What's interesting about this is that we call it that were being kind to people and that we're taking care of them when actually you are helping somebody so that you don't have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings of telling them no. And when we do that, we rob people of the possibility of who they could become.

 

Steven Bartlett (01:00:31):

A hundred percent. They're unrecognizable. It baffles me unrecognizable. And they thank me. I apologize, like I shouldn't have let you stay in the spare room for two years.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:44):

Wow. Wow. I feel like I have a masterclass in a million things from you.

 

Steven Bartlett (01:00:53):

You're very kind.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:54):

What I love about listening to your podcast and just getting to spend time with you is I really love how you have the courage and the bravery to challenge what is so in order to build a life and build businesses and make decisions that really empower you, it's so obvious. And yet, I think none of us really take the time to stop and go, wait a minute. There are so many things that we do in life that we just blindly do without stopping to ask the question. And I just want to thank you because there were so many things that made me stop and not only think, but more importantly, start asking myself different questions.

 

Steven Bartlett (01:01:57):

Thank you. You're a huge inspiration to me for so many reasons, and I continue to learn from you from a distance, but it's a great service that you're delivering for the world. So thank you.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:06):

Thank you. Oh, I never know what to do when somebody thanks me when I'm interviewing them. And so I guess what I'm going to do is thank you. Thank you for being here with me on YouTube. I really love spending this time with you. And I love the fact that you made a decision to watch something that can help you change your life. And there's no doubt that if you apply the tools that you just learned and you learn how to make better decisions for you, you will in fact change your life. And one more thing I want to ask you, please subscribe to this channel, share this episode. Steven always asks his audience, I learned this from him. I'm making a decision to ask you for the support that I need because it helps me bring you amazing world-class experts like Steven at zero cost. You got it. Good. Alright, you ready for the next one? I know you are. You're going to love this next video. Do this every morning. How to feel more energized, focused, and in control.