Episode: 117
This Teen Cracked the Code on Anxiety and Teaches You How He Did It
with Oakley Robbins
Stress is a natural part of life.
Oakley Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
What do you do if you're a kid and you feel like your parents play favorites?
Oakley Robbins (00:06):
Oh,
Mel Robbins (00:08):
Here's another one. My sister wants to know if Oakley is single, and if yes, she'd like to ensure that he's not a Gemini.
Oakley Robbins (00:16):
Interesting.
Mel Robbins (00:17):
What are some of your tips for how to deal with anxiety? Will you walk us through it?
Oakley Robbins (00:21):
I sit up straight.
Mel Robbins (00:22):
Okay.
Oakley Robbins (00:24):
All right. And then after the third breath, you close your eyes and I actually invite you at home to join in if you want.
Mel Robbins (00:32):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I'm Mel, and today I'm really excited because I'm not alone. I'm here with one of my favorite people, somebody that I love, our 18-year-old son Oakley.
Oakley Robbins (00:48):
Yeah, it's me guys.
Mel Robbins (00:53):
I'm laughing. I know that we're going to have a lot of fun and I'm also excited because our audience loves you
Oakley Robbins (01:01):
And I love you guys.
Mel Robbins (01:03):
And in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I just want to take a minute and welcome you and also explain a little bit of background. Oakley is our 18-year-old son. He is the youngest of three. He's a senior in high school,
Oakley Robbins (01:17):
Just applied to college. It was great. Yes,
Mel Robbins (01:19):
Ladies and gentlemen,
Oakley Robbins (01:20):
Some applications I've done what I need to do. It's great.
Mel Robbins (01:24):
Congratulations on getting all of that done in case you're new. Every time Oakley has been on the podcast, we get bombarded with questions in our inbox directed to Oakley from listeners around the world. And the thing that's always really kind of surprised me is that it's from listeners of all ages. So in this stack of questions, I've got questions from high schoolers, from kids in college, from parents, from school counselors, from therapists to grandparents, to just people that are reflecting on their own childhood. And I can't wait to dig into this. And the truth is oak. I do have to say you've really cracked the code on so many things that I struggled with for 50 years. When I think about anxiety, confidence, where you are at the age of 18 versus where I was at 18, I mean I was in peak Mel Schneeberger dysfunction.
Oakley Robbins (02:31):
First of all, I have lived through getting bullied like many anxiety, dyslexia, troubles in school, troubles in life, and also I tend to spend a good amount of time alone, love to hang out with people, but I also like to spend some time alone. And I just think a lot, I feel like I'm always thinking about what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling and stuff like that because when you're alone, what else is there to think about?
Mel Robbins (02:58):
That's a good point. Who are you? I feel you are. I feel almost like you're the kind of person how people say you're an old soul. I feel at times I'm the parent of somebody who lived to be a hundred years who came back as you.
Oakley Robbins (03:16):
That'll be kind of cool.
Mel Robbins (03:17):
Well, you know what else is going to be cool is going through all of these questions because we have about 17 topics to get through. And before we jump in, I just want to take a moment and acknowledge you for a second. First of all, thank you for being here because I know that every single time you tune in and listen to the Mel Robbins podcast, you are taking time for yourself and you're listening to this because you know that it can help you improve your life. And I think that's pretty cool. You're my kind of person, so thank you. Thank you for being here.
Oakley Robbins (03:48):
Yeah, thanks guys. It's awesome.
Mel Robbins (03:49):
Okay, so you ready?
Oakley Robbins (03:52):
Of course.
Mel Robbins (03:52):
All right, let's jump in. The first question, this one from a 17-year-old Oak Oakley. I'm 17 years old and I just want to know how do I ensure a stress-free college search? And before you jump into this, because I know you're going to talk about the pressure, I think what we're about to talk about is relevant to any moment in life where you feel the stress of wanting something and you don't know how to manage it, whether it is graduating from college and needing to get a job, or maybe you're trying to have kids and it's not happening as fast as you thought and you're starting to get stressed about the process or you are not dating anybody and you really want to find the one, and you're starting to get stressed about the process or you want to find your purpose and you don't know what you're supposed to be doing with your life. And so you start to get stressed about the process. And so as you listen to us unpack this because I don't know what you're going to talk about oak, listen from whatever it is that you're stressed about. And now I'm going to turn it over to you because I do know that the college process is a very unique thing though because you're going through this at the same time with all the other people your age, so it must amplify it. So where do you want to start with this?
Oakley Robbins (05:11):
Yeah, I think if we go back to broadening it to just stress in general, stress is a natural part of life. So you will never live a life that is stress-free. You'll always feel stress with things like the college process, job hunting, searching for friends, anything like that. Everything can involve stress. And I think first accepting that in life you'll feel stressed is super important and not resisting the stress when it comes is important. And with the college process in particular, I know that's super stressful and honestly I think it's supposed to be stressful. Why? Because you look at these colleges and you look at all the acceptance rate, oh my god, it's like 13% and oh my God, 10,000 kids are doing this, and oh my God, I have to write one essay and everything relies on this one essay and they know nothing about me, but I really want to get into this school. It's really stressful and this isn't going to get me into college. And so I delete it and then I write another one and I'm like, this isn't good enough. This isn't going to get me into college. And I think for me and for everybody going through the college process, it's really, really important to just step back for a second and just be like, take a deep breath and just stop and take your time.
(06:29):
You are incredibly special. You have many things that make you unique and something that you've probably heard before, but you're going to hear it again, is that no matter where you end up, it won't predict your life. If you don't get into your dream college, your life is not ruined. You're not going to be able to not get the job you want or live in the place you want to live. Nine times out of 10, that college that you're going to go to instead is going to be pretty sweet. And if you don't like it, you can transfer out of it and do another one. But it's important to not let the, it's important to not have a mindset of, my whole life depends on this.
Mel Robbins (07:09):
What if it feels like it does? How do you gain perspective when you go to school every day and everybody's talking about it and every time you're with adults you're like, so where are you applying to school? And
Oakley Robbins (07:20):
It really is an everyday conversation everywhere. It's a pain. I think it's just important to appreciate where you are right now. That's what I would say just well, you are worried about the college process. If you spend the last year of your high school worrying about the college process, you won't enjoy the last year of high school, which is arguably the most enjoyable
Mel Robbins (07:43):
Oak. I'm so glad that you just talked about the fact that way that you deal with this is to appreciate where you are now. And I know that that's hard to do. It's not only hard to do when you're in the middle of applying to colleges, it's hard to do when you're in the middle of anything. If you're graduating from college and it's senior spring, you're feeling the pressure of getting a job. If you're somebody who wants to get married and you're not even dating somebody, you see married people everywhere. Same thing if you want to have kids, same thing if you have dreams of making a lot of money and you see people that have a lot of money everywhere and you start to feel this pressure and you see evidence of it working out for everybody around you. And the real advice here that is so true because you can get yourself worked up about anything is learning how to appreciate where you are right now. You said something the other day that I think is really important, which is I wanted to ask you something about that essay
Mel Robbins (08:47):
And you said, mom, I have to hear about this all day long at school. I do not want to talk about this with you right now. I want to commend you for being very direct with me and telling me that you have a boundary and the one place you don't want to talk about it is at home. And this is really important because boundaries are something that are your responsibility and you took responsibility for the fact that you didn't want me asking about it, and you just basically said, I don't want to talk about this with you because I'm getting it all day long and I would not have known that otherwise. And this is very important for you listening too. You can say to your family members, I don't want to talk about whether or not we're trying to have kids. I don't want to talk about my job. My weight is not up for discussion. Yes, I will come home this weekend and see you, but please do not ask me if I'm dating anybody. And so you did something that we all need to do, which is understanding what your limits are and making it very clear so that the people around you can support you. And that's exactly what this person, this listener that's writing in should do with their parents. Express that boundary
Oakley Robbins (09:54):
Setting boundaries is huge. I do want to go into a specific about the college process just to help some people. No, this is good. This is a good thing. I do want to go into a specific about the college process just to help some people out. If you're a parent and you have a kid who's in junior year or end of junior year, beginning of senior year, just understand that 90% of their thoughts is college. And so that is going to be why they may get agitated or they may not want to talk about it because it is all consuming until they've hit the submit button. It's all they'll think about. It's all they'll care about and it's the last thing they ever want to talk about. It's always on their mind and it's annoying. So give 'em some space time to time. Don't always talk about it.
Mel Robbins (10:37):
You're right. Oak don't bring it up because you know that they feel pressure about it. And this advice, it goes for anything that anyone in your life is under pressure about. I can give you a couple examples. Let's say your son and your daughter-in-law are trying to have a baby. You don't need to ask about it because guess what? They're thinking about it. They're wondering, they wake up every day and the last thing that they need is you bringing up how's it going? And I've got this other example in my life that comes to mind because one of my closest friends hasn't married yet and she never had kids of her own. And you want to know what it kills her. If there was one thing that she could change, it would've been that she had had kids of her own. And so when her mom occasionally is like, it just breaks my heart that you never had children, you would've been the best mother.
(11:35):
My friend's, literally like, you don't think I wish I would've been? Why the hell are you bringing this up? Talk to your therapist about that. Don't lay that on me. And so I do think this is really important. If somebody that you love cares about something, the job search, the search for a house, you don't need to bring it up, okay? If they want to talk to you about it, they will bring it up with you. Just give them space, show them you love them and show them that you care about them and do it in other ways. Great advice, Oak. Here's another question. We're going through a divorce and I'm worried about our kids.
Oakley Robbins (12:11):
You don't have to give them specifics as to why you're getting a divorce, but I would be honest with them, we're unhappy like blah, blah, blah, and it is not your fault. Make sure you reinstate that. That's huge because plenty of kids worry that it is their fault, but also take their needs into account. And if they want to just take their suggestions and their needs into account, if they want to be at the dad's house or the mom's house, if they want to go somewhere, you should let them. You shouldn't be like, no, you can't. You can't go anywhere. You have to be with me right now. All this kind of stuff. They're people too. They're living their own lives. You and your spouse are not the only ones that are suffering from this. They're in just as much pain watching their two parents separate. So just take their needs into account and understand that they are also grieving
Mel Robbins (13:09):
And they need to maybe go through it a little bit differently than you need them to go through it.
Oakley Robbins (13:13):
Yeah, a hundred percent. Do not talk about your spouse with them. Don't be like, oh, I'm so upset with what they've been doing or stuff like that. Do not. They don't need to hear it.
Mel Robbins (13:24):
Okay, so Oak, here's another question from a listener. And she writes, my daughter wants me to step back a little bit and I would love to hear from Oakley and from you, Mel, what kind of boundaries do you guys have as a mother and a son?
Oakley Robbins (13:40):
I think that's depending on how overbearing you are, but lemme think about our relationship. I feel like I tell you everything whenever there is something, or if you ask, I'm just like, yeah, I never feel like I have to keep things from you. Not that I'm coming to you and telling you everything, but I never feel like I have to keep something from you.
Mel Robbins (14:03):
Well, that makes me feel great that you feel like you don't have to keep something from me, Oak. If you need something, you can talk to me about it. So thank you for sharing that with me. In terms of boundaries that I have as a mom, there are really two categories of the boundaries. The first one is the boundaries that I establish that help keep the communication open and that create a trusting and respectful relationship between us. And the second set of boundaries are around keeping you safe. And so lemme talk about the first one, which is
Mel Robbins (14:38):
This boundary of respect and open communication. And to that end, I really try hard to let you Oakley be your own person.
Oakley Robbins (14:48):
I like that. I like that one
Mel Robbins (14:50):
That I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not supposed to control him. I need to guide him. You said on another podcast you're on that a parent should be like a coach, not somebody who's in control. And I often have to remind myself of that. The second thing is your personal space. When I walk in your room, my skin crawls.
Oakley Robbins (15:18):
It's not that bad.
Mel Robbins (15:20):
Well, I see the clothes
Oakley Robbins (15:25):
Everywhere. I think you're painting me in bad. Let me explain my
Mel Robbins (15:29):
Room. Okay, your room. And here's the thing, it's his space. When we start to cross the line between it being dirty or there's dishes stacking up, I drop the hammer.
Oakley Robbins (15:39):
Yeah. Which is rare.
Mel Robbins (15:41):
Yep.
Oakley Robbins (15:42):
I also, I feel like my shower schedule's pretty concrete. It's like in the morning and then right before I go to bed. So
Mel Robbins (15:50):
You take two showers a day
Oakley Robbins (15:51):
Every day. You do?
Mel Robbins (15:53):
Yes. Why?
Oakley Robbins (15:54):
Well, so the night is when I use soap and everything and clean myself. And then the morning is because my hair's really thick and curly. And so when I sleep, it's like this like
Mel Robbins (16:10):
A helmet.
Oakley Robbins (16:10):
It's like a helmet when I wake up. And the only way to fix it is just to reset it by getting it wet.
Mel Robbins (16:15):
So
Oakley Robbins (16:16):
I literally jump in the shower for 30 seconds and it also wakes me up. It's a win-win.
Mel Robbins (16:21):
I also notice you journal a lot.
Oakley Robbins (16:23):
I do. Every morning I wake up, it's like,
Mel Robbins (16:26):
Wait, every morning?
Oakley Robbins (16:27):
Yeah, I wake up, I get my morning routine done, which is shower and get out the door and actively avoid you and then get in the car, get to school. And then I like to get to school 20 minutes before it starts and I just sit in the car and I journal about the previous day or if I didn't journal the day before, then the two days before, it's a process.
Mel Robbins (16:49):
I just learned something about you. I had no idea that you journal every single day.
Oakley Robbins (16:54):
It's great. Love to journal, even for five minutes writing anything down. It's amazing.
Mel Robbins (17:00):
When did you start that
Oakley Robbins (17:03):
Last year? Maybe
Mel Robbins (17:05):
You've been doing this for a year.
Oakley Robbins (17:07):
Yeah. Yeah. I would never show you my journal. That's all I'm going to say.
Mel Robbins (17:16):
See, that's an example oak of a specific boundary that you have with me and you would never show me your journal. That's your boundary. And because I'm trying hard not to control you, remember my value is I want to keep the communication open. I want to make sure you feel respected. I'm trying to respect you and the privacy that you have and even kind of the fact that it's your room. And even though I really want to hunt down your journal and crack it open and read it, I'm not going to lie about that. I am going to respect your boundary that this is your privacy. Okay, great. Other boundaries that I have with him are around just safety,
(18:00):
That sort of stuff. And then the final thing is I don't talk to oak about Chris or my marriage or what's going on in my friends' lives.
Oakley Robbins (18:13):
No, I'd agree with that.
Mel Robbins (18:15):
Okay, great. Anything else you'd add?
Oakley Robbins (18:17):
No, I'd say that that covers all the bases, except my room is pretty clean most of the time.
Mel Robbins (18:22):
So the next question is from a listener who writes, how did your parents talk about alcohol use with you? Did they allow it? Did they ground you? How did they handle it? You can speak freely oak.
Oakley Robbins (18:38):
Well, I think from a young age you were more practicing safe ways of using it, healthy ways of using it like a glass of wine at dinner or a little bit of a drink at a party or something. Before any parties or anything really happened, you would talk to the three of us kids and always tell us that if we do go out and do something because teenagers and stuff happens and kids do stuff. And if you're a parent listening to this and you're like, oh, that's bad. Well you did it too, so that's okay. You always said that if we're ever going to do anything before we do it at a party or somewhere else, you want us to do it with you
Mel Robbins (19:15):
So
Oakley Robbins (19:15):
That it's like we're in a safe environment, we're with people we care about, you can take care of us and it's all safe. No drinking and driving, that's your number one rule.
Mel Robbins (19:25):
That's my number one rule. And what's the rule too about if you're going to be at a party where you are drinking, what do you have to do?
Oakley Robbins (19:33):
Either have a driver who my mom trusts or stay at the party or final option, call mom or dad and ask for a ride.
Mel Robbins (19:44):
And what do we do if you tell us where you are and drinking's involved and the police show up or something happens like, do we ground you?
Oakley Robbins (19:54):
No, why? You ask me to call you and well, you don't ground me. Because again, it's a natural part of life. It's experimentation, everybody experiments. And also wait, why don't, because we're getting punished enough by the cops. I feel like that's,
Mel Robbins (20:09):
That's a great question. I'll tell you why. Because here's how I've chosen to handle this issue with your dad because this is a deeply personal issue in terms of how you decide you're going to talk about it with your kids. And so for us, we took the time to figure out what do we value here? Because number one, every kid is going to experiment, every assume they're going to experiment. And number two, if you assume that they're going to experiment and you can't stop that from happening, what is it that you value most? And for me, what I valued most was open communication, trust and safety. And so I took the focus off trying to control something I couldn't control, which was whether or not you drink. And I put all of my attention on how do I navigate this as a parent through my highest value, which is creating trust with you, creating open communication with you and keeping you safe.
(21:17):
And safe means not only no, driving safe also means your use of it not being one of these kids who is they binge drink like crazy because they have to sneak it. And so they just chug the, because we saw this over and over and over with kids whose parents punished them when they drank or banned the alcohol or pretended it didn't happen. It created a lack of trust. It created sneakiness, it created lying, all of which led to very dangerous behavior. And so for me, I don't know whether it's the right call or the wrong call, it has been a very smart and successful call for us because it's aligned with our values. And so that's why now if you lied to us, I'd punish
Oakley Robbins (22:01):
You. Yeah, I would get punished
Mel Robbins (22:02):
If I lied. Yes. If I ever found out that you got in a car with somebody who was drinking or you yourself got behind the wheel,
Oakley Robbins (22:08):
You
Mel Robbins (22:08):
Would lose the right to drive for a year.
Oakley Robbins (22:11):
Yeah, that is
Mel Robbins (22:11):
True. And that's no joke because we live in a rural area and I had a friend die in high school because of drinking and driving. And so that's why my values are that. And so I just feel like that's the formula for anything that you're navigating, whether it is sex or it is alcohol or it's drugs or it's anything. Figure out what you value most and be honest with yourself about what you can control and what you can't control. Because if you don't understand that, if literally if I were to ban you and say you're not allowed to drink, can't drink until you're 21, it just makes you want it more. It also makes you go, I'm not telling you what I'm doing. That's how we handled it. That's why I don't punish you when you do what you say you're going to do and when you stay where you're supposed to stay and when you don't drive
Oakley Robbins (23:04):
Valid. It's true.
Mel Robbins (23:06):
Alrighty. Ooh, Oakley, this next question is about breaking up and it's from a listener who's a young adult like you, and they specifically wanted your take on this topic and I think that's an important note to highlight for you listening because I can give all the advice in the world, but I'm 55 and sometimes you want to hear from somebody your age and as an 18-year-old Oakley, you probably understand what they're going through. And I know that there have been numerous times where your sisters have told me, mom, your advice is irrelevant because you are so far away from the age and the issues that I'm dealing with. And so I want advice from somebody my age. And so Oakley, that's what this listener's asking for your advice on this topic. So here's the question, Oak, how do I know when it's time to break up with somebody?
Oakley Robbins (24:01):
That's a good question. I think here's what I'm going to say, and I'll expand upon this of course, but when it's time to break up with somebody you know will always know what you want deep down. And nine times out of 10 what's holding you back and your worry about their feelings and hurting them. But in a relationship you do take the other person's feelings into account. But when it comes to things like breakups, you should be taking what will make you feel the best into account.
Mel Robbins (24:35):
But what if you're terrified about hurting this person and they're going to cry and you just don't want to deal with it? You're going to see 'em at school
Oakley Robbins (24:42):
That's like a given. If you are not happy anymore in this relationship, I can promise you you'll be more happy out of it. And yes, there will be those times where maybe you see them and maybe it's a little awkward or they cry and it's a little sad, but that's a moment in time that might last an hour instead of you spending the rest of your time with somebody that you aren't currently happy with.
Mel Robbins (25:06):
I noticed something about you. Maybe this is too much information that you don't like the random hookup.
Oakley Robbins (25:12):
No.
Mel Robbins (25:13):
Why?
Oakley Robbins (25:14):
No, I don't. This is mean. This is a me thing, but I want to know the person. I want to care about them. I want to feel like there's something there. I want to see something with them to, because I don't see a point in just hooking up with somebody to hook up with somebody. I feel like it's kind of just tacky and dumb, but if you do it, you do it and that's totally fine. And I'm not going to say you're wrong, but for me, I feel like I want to know them and care about them and respect them. It also just makes it feel more special and enjoyable when you're actually with them.
Mel Robbins (25:58):
Is it possible to be friends with your ex?
Oakley Robbins (26:01):
Yeah, I would say
Mel Robbins (26:03):
How
Oakley Robbins (26:06):
The best way is that in the beginning you need space. You can't be talking to 'em after. There can be no hookups afterwards. You can't get back together and try and hook up. You shouldn't be calling them while you're drunk or anything like that. And you need to understand that it takes time and that you also will not have the same relationship you had when you were dating, but you can still be friends. You can still hang out from time to time, but it's important to know that it won't be the exact same and that it may be a little awkward from time to time.
Mel Robbins (26:48):
This is somebody who's going into college, they want to know how can I stay in touch with or support my younger sibling as we're shifting into adult sibling relationships.
Oakley Robbins (27:05):
For me and my sisters, honestly, I wouldn't say we talk that much. We talked every now and then, maybe twice a month. So
Mel Robbins (27:13):
It's six and five years difference.
Oakley Robbins (27:17):
We were just living our lives. We were in school and that takes up our priority and there's a lot going on, but I think just reaching out to your younger sibling and be like, Hey, if you ever need to talk, I am here. I'm always going to be here even if I'm not in the house. That's huge. That's really big. Even if you guys aren't talking every day, which you don't need to be, but I just recommend you definitely say, I'm here to talk whenever you need. I'm always here for you. I went through high school, let me know what's going on. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (27:49):
One thing that's made a big difference for me is we started a family group chat. We light it up all day long.
Oakley Robbins (27:56):
Yeah. We do light makeup up all day long with photos and having a big family group chat's great for me. I don't really communicate that often. I'm a horrible texter. I'm horrible at it. And so having the group chat where it's just like mom's like, how is everybody? And then Kendall's like, oh, I'm great. And so is like, oh, I'm awesome. Here's a photo of where I am right now. And then I'm like, oh, everyone's chilling out. They're all great. And I'm like, cool. I feel great.
Mel Robbins (28:19):
It makes us feel very connected and you can pop in, you can pop out. We celebrate each other.
Oakley Robbins (28:25):
We
Mel Robbins (28:25):
Do roll call occasionally we share funny memes.
Oakley Robbins (28:28):
Yeah, a family group chat for anything that you want to talk about is just such a great way to feel connected. Just you don't feel like you have to have a serious conversation. You can send one word things just like so many times people will text just miss you guys and then it's just something cute like that. Or other times someone will send a photo and it's like, this is so mom or something. And it's just fun stuff like that, which makes you have fun and feel connected and things like that.
Mel Robbins (28:54):
Awesome.
Oakley Robbins (28:55):
Awesome.
Mel Robbins (28:56):
Alright, next question. Oakley, what do you do if you're a kid and you feel like your parents play favorites?
Oakley Robbins (29:01):
Oh, I think it's important to have a conversation with your parents about what you feel and it's important to communicate how you feel all the time. So if you feel like your parents are playing favorites, you shouldn't play the blame game. Of course. As a parent, what would you be most open to hearing? If I was like, I feel like you're picking favorites.
Mel Robbins (29:24):
I would say, I'm sorry you feel that way. What am I doing that makes you feel that way? And how can I change?
Oakley Robbins (29:30):
If you're going to go into that conversation with your parents, that's a pretty serious conversation. I think that you should definitely have a few examples in mind, a few scenarios.
Mel Robbins (29:42):
I think it's great coaching to say, come in with specific examples and focus on how it made you feel.
Oakley Robbins (29:47):
Yeah, for sure.
Mel Robbins (29:48):
Because if you tell your parents they're playing favorites, they'll get defensive if you say, Hey, I'm starting to feel like I'm not important,
Oakley Robbins (29:57):
And
Mel Robbins (29:57):
Then you give examples of
Oakley Robbins (29:59):
Examples,
Mel Robbins (29:59):
Then they'll be more open to it. Here's another question, Oak. This time it's from a parent and it's directed at you because they have a question about their 15-year-old Oakley. My 15-year-old is always in her room. Do I just let her be? I'm scared for our relationship and I don't what to do.
Oakley Robbins (30:20):
Well, I'm guessing she's always in her room because she is probably on her phone. Oh. Oh
Mel Robbins (30:28):
Yeah. Wait, that's what you guys do in your rooms?
Oakley Robbins (30:31):
I mean, most likely. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (30:32):
Okay. So she's always on her phone, which is why she's always in her room.
Oakley Robbins (30:37):
Honestly, since I'm a senior in high school, what I'm mostly doing in my room is homework or talking to my friends on the phone. But yeah.
Mel Robbins (30:44):
So she's in her room because she wants privacy while she's on her phone?
Oakley Robbins (30:48):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (30:49):
Okay. So what do you do about that?
Oakley Robbins (30:51):
She's 15. So her whole world is her friends.
Mel Robbins (30:55):
When do you think somebody should be alarmed that their teen is spending a ton of time alone in the room? What would be? I
Oakley Robbins (31:07):
Think it's like if you don't see them, they come home from school and they just don't leave their room. That's when it is alarming.
Mel Robbins (31:14):
And do you have a good lead in for how you broach that? Because so many times we blow it with the way we open a conversation.
Oakley Robbins (31:20):
I'd just be like, Hey, I feel as though you're in your room a lot as of recently, and I'm just kind of curious as to what's happening.
Mel Robbins (31:29):
Nothing.
Oakley Robbins (31:31):
Then I would say I want to respond to nothing. That's a great, I use that line all the no shit you do. I use that line all the time.
Mel Robbins (31:40):
I have an in.
Oakley Robbins (31:40):
Okay, what's your in?
Mel Robbins (31:41):
You don't seem like yourself.
Oakley Robbins (31:43):
Yeah, that's good. That'll get 'em. If there is something wrong, then they'll be like, you're right. There is something wrong. Wrong. Yeah. That gets 'em
Mel Robbins (31:56):
Okay. And even if they don't answer right away, it sort of marinates
Oakley Robbins (31:59):
And then they'll be like they know. I think a big thing you could do is probably have a family dinner designated time where everybody has to come together. I think there's also the fact that she's getting older however, and so you don't want to step on her coattails too much. You want to give her a little bit of freedom. But I would just in a polite way, I would just have a mandatory dinner. It's an hour and a half every night. That's when you guys can get together and talk.
Mel Robbins (32:27):
So don't worry about the fact that she's in her room on her phone. Is there any kind of thing to do at dinner that opens up conversation?
Oakley Robbins (32:34):
Yeah, we play a game called High and Low, which is in the, you share your high of the day and your low of the day and you just go around and you say you're high and low. And that usually opens up conversation pretty well for us.
Mel Robbins (32:48):
Yeah, it really does. Okay. What amount of gaming is normal? My son is 17 like Oakley and is I think playing too much games.
Oakley Robbins (33:02):
Yeah, I think I definitely used to have a problem with gaming too much Really when I was younger. Yeah, for sure. Well, the thing with guys is that it's super common for a girl to jump on the phone and talk to her best friend for three hours. And that's not frowned upon, which is totally fine, but for a guy, guys don't really do that. But what they do do is they jump on their Xbox or their console or their computer and they game for three hours and the guy thinks of it as the equivalent of talking to their friend on the phone for three hours. But instead of just talking, they're doing something in front of them as well.
Mel Robbins (33:43):
Dad and I used to fight about this all the time
Oakley Robbins (33:45):
I do
Mel Robbins (33:46):
Because he would be so upset that you were spending hours on whatever video game. I'd be like, dude, he's not alone. He's hanging out with his friends. They're on their headsets or talking to each other while they're playing. This is a play date. And it wasn't until he started to understand that this is the equivalent for you anyway of throwing the ball around, kicking the soccer ball around. And also the thing about gaming is most kids that play that are gaming, they also do it good at it
Oakley Robbins (34:17):
And it's
Mel Robbins (34:18):
One thing they're good at.
Oakley Robbins (34:19):
Yeah, it is. That's kind of nice about it. You can be good at it, it's easy to get good at it and your friends are into it. And when you're young and you don't have a car and you can't go out and hang out with them and you don't want to ask your parents, it's just so easy to turn it on and start talking to them and doing something else.
Mel Robbins (34:33):
Reel it in.
Oakley Robbins (34:34):
I'm saying an hour or two a weekend. If it's three, four, they're just talking to their friends. They're just trying to connect with people because they can't go anywhere else right now. And so I wouldn't worry too much. But again, if it's their whole life and they're just doing it nine to five, I would say you should consider doing other things.
Mel Robbins (34:52):
Here's another one. My sister wants to know if Oakley is single and if yes, she'd like to ensure that he's not a Gemini.
Oakley Robbins (35:01):
Interesting. Yeah. I am single right now and I am a Pisces.
Mel Robbins (35:07):
Nice.
Oakley Robbins (35:07):
Born in March.
Mel Robbins (35:08):
Born in March. Okay. Are you looking for a relationship?
Oakley Robbins (35:12):
I don't need to talk about that. I don't need talk about that here, but I'm just playing it by ear. I'm just letting whatever happens happen.
Mel Robbins (35:22):
Okay.
Oakley Robbins (35:22):
And that's kind of,
Mel Robbins (35:23):
You're a very confident guy.
Oakley Robbins (35:25):
Yeah. I feel like for most people, they're quite confident until they get to middle school when people are starting to be like, oh my god,
Oakley Robbins (35:35):
Oh like I hate myself. Because for some reason
Mel Robbins (35:40):
I think it's puberty. I think your body starts to change it's pub and you lose control over it.
Oakley Robbins (35:44):
Yeah. And it's also just how everybody starts to talk about each other rather than other things. Because in elementary school you guys are just talking about who knows what. Honestly, I don't know what's going
Mel Robbins (35:56):
On. Legos. Yeah,
Oakley Robbins (35:57):
Legos. Like toys
Mel Robbins (35:58):
Stuff. You're collecting
Oakley Robbins (35:59):
Ponies, horses, something random's going on in elementary school. But once you get to middle school and you realize that everybody's starting to talk about each other, then you start to be like, oh my goodness, I'm feeling a little self-conscious and I think it's super important to,
Mel Robbins (36:14):
You went through the stage where you were self-conscious?
Oakley Robbins (36:16):
Of course I did. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (36:18):
How did you go from a kid who was worried about his boobs?
Oakley Robbins (36:21):
Oh my God, my boobs. My man boobs. I mean, one thing, time heals all for sure, but also just understanding that everybody's going through the same exact thing that you are. You may look at your feet, I guess, and not the way your feet look while other people are looking at their forehead and they're never looking at you. You're the only one looking at yourself. So
Mel Robbins (36:52):
How do you tap into it though? Was it community theater? Was it
Oakley Robbins (36:58):
Theater is a good way. It's such a good way to become more confident. You just have to get over being shy and not wanting to express yourself. So theater's a great way. Not saying that you should force your kids to do theater, but theater is a really good way to get more confidence. Also, just being with the right people is super big. If you're with a bunch of people that are hyping you up all the time, you're going to feel pretty hyped up all the time, rather than negative about yourself
Mel Robbins (37:26):
Or chasing people that you think will make you cool, actually makes you feel insecure.
Oakley Robbins (37:31):
Yeah, that'll a hundred percent make you insecure. If you're trying to achieve a certain image to be with a certain group of people, that's never going to work out for you. I can promise you that.
Mel Robbins (37:38):
So seek out people
Oakley Robbins (37:41):
That
Mel Robbins (37:41):
Hype
Oakley Robbins (37:41):
You up,
Mel Robbins (37:42):
That hype you up, that make you feel good when you're around them.
Oakley Robbins (37:45):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (37:46):
Maybe push yourself to do theater or try some clubs that force you to come out of your shell.
Oakley Robbins (37:51):
Try drama club or debate club or something like that. Just something that brings you out of your comfort zone. And if you don't like it, leave the club. It's all good. So for example, today is Halloween spooky season, and I had this duo costume planned with one of my friends, peanut butter and jelly. It's really bulky, it makes you look really weird. And we're talking on the phone before school starts and I'm like, are you going to bring your costume? Are you going to wear it? And he was like, probably not. I was like, you know what, if you're not going to bring it, I don't really want to wear it. I'm not going to do it. So I get to school and I'm not really wearing it in the beginning and then I'm looking around at all these costumes and I'm loving, I like the stuff that people are wearing and I'm like, you know what?
(38:33):
I'm just going to go for it. I'm going to put it on. I'm going to wear it. And so for the rest of the day, I was walking around in a piece of toast with jelly on it costume and everyone was like, where's the peanut butter? And I was like, it's just me. It's just the jelly. And that was super fun because a bunch of people loved it. I loved it. I was having fun with it. And at first I felt like it was something where I'd get judged for doing it. And then I realized that you only live once, which is super corny, but it's like if you never do it, then you're just going to regret it. So I just went for it and I ended up having so much fun with it. And
Mel Robbins (39:09):
You know what else? When you hold yourself back from trying something like that, you're the one judging yourself. So simply going, I'm going to go for it. I'm going to try this thing I've never done. It does give you a boost of confidence because you stop judging yourself the moment you put it on.
Oakley Robbins (39:24):
Yeah. The moment I put it on, I was like, all right, this is sick.
Mel Robbins (39:27):
Let's go. What I love about that Oakley is you cannot get confident by just sitting on the couch and thinking about it.You have to take action. And whether you're talking about signing up for drama class so that you'll push yourself out of your comfort zone,
Oakley Robbins (39:43):
I can give you another example of doing something new in your life, how that builds confidence. Take dad for example, he has started these men's retreats and now he has gone back to school and is getting his master's, which is sick.
Mel Robbins (39:56):
That's totally sick,
Oakley Robbins (39:57):
Super sick.
Mel Robbins (39:58):
You got to take action. You were just talking about dad starting soul degree, the men's retreat. He had never done that before. You got to take action. Now he's signed up to get his master's in a transpersonal psychology, got to take action. You with the toast sitting there going, well, my friend's not doing it. I don't know. Are people going to judge? No, I'm going to do it just because I want to try it. Confidence is the willingness to try. That's the thing that everybody gets wrong about confidence. It's not a feeling. Confidence is an action and it's a skill of in life when you want to try something, making yourself just take the action. That's what builds it. Yeah,
Oakley Robbins (40:38):
Exactly.
Mel Robbins (40:39):
Okay, couple questions about bullying. My son is being bullied by his wrestling team in college. Do I step in or let him figure it out?
Oakley Robbins (40:56):
What did I say?
Mel Robbins (40:56):
I never knew there was bullying in college actually.
Mel Robbins (40:58):
Really? That surprises you?
Oakley Robbins (41:00):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (41:01):
You've never heard that there's hazing. Hazing is basic
Oakley Robbins (41:03):
Bullying. Oh, well hazing.
Mel Robbins (41:04):
Well, that's basically what she's saying. He's getting hazed.
Oakley Robbins (41:06):
Oh, well, are they hazing him? Hazing is just like you are basically willingly humiliating yourself to be a part of something in college.
Mel Robbins (41:15):
And if that happens to you, what are you going to do?
Oakley Robbins (41:17):
I probably just wouldn't join that group.
Mel Robbins (41:20):
Yeah, I hope not. I think it's horrendous.
Oakley Robbins (41:21):
I think it is horrendous. I think it's
Mel Robbins (41:23):
Illegal. It should be. Here's my concern. This mom knows he's being bullied.
Oakley Robbins (41:29):
So he is told his mom.
Mel Robbins (41:30):
Correct. Which means he's probably not told her the extent of it. And if you're in college and you're reaching out to a parent because you're getting bullied on a college sports team, my radar as a parent is now up. And I would think that it's more serious than they're leading on. And it's gotten to the point where they don't know what to do about it. And so I would ask very leading questions. Are you telling me everything? Are you nervous to go into practice?
Oakley Robbins (42:06):
Have
Mel Robbins (42:06):
You spoken to anybody about it? What do you think you should do?
Oakley Robbins (42:11):
I like that. It's great that you told your parents. I had this horrendous experience at summer camp where there was this month long summer camp. I was super excited. I was super afraid of being away from home and I was excited. I was ready for this month long summer camp. And I get there and I ended up getting bullied in the first week. And so, oh no, it was more like the second week because the first week I was sending letters. It's great here. I love it. Second week, shit hit the fan. It was like, get me out of here. I hate it here. I want to go home. But I never really told my parents why I hated it so much. I didn't tell 'em that I was getting bullied. And the second that I did tell my mom I was getting bullied, she became like the Hulk and it was sick because she was protecting me. And she took me out of the camp. And I was more than happy about that experience.
Mel Robbins (43:02):
Let's just say it was so bad when the camp finally did an investigation that we got a three page letter from the director of the camp saying how they had profoundly failed. This was a really horrendous thing that happened. And so it is like a situation where he may not be telling you everything because he's scared about you getting involved. And you were really, really little. I mean, you were in sixth grade or something.
Oakley Robbins (43:38):
I was young.
Mel Robbins (43:39):
You didn't have the full context of somebody who's in college. But even in college, the pressure to not rat out somebody on the team, you're inside this culture of hazing if it's happening at that age. And so getting outside of it and telling your parent, this is happening. It is scaring me. This is something you need to do. Give them the details. Because the second you drop the word bully, and you started telling me some of the things that this kid was doing, who I wanted to hunt down and kill. I know that's not a mature response, but that's how horrendous it was. It pivoted from, he's not homesick. He's actually getting targeted by somebody and this is unsafe. And so yes, I agree with that. And I appreciate you saying something, Oak. I love you. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know it really shaped you.
Oakley Robbins (44:35):
It did. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (44:37):
We already covered that one. Oh, oh. Oh, I'm having a really hard time. Does it really get better because I feel really lost right now.
Oakley Robbins (44:46):
It will 100% get better. I can promise you that it will get better.
Oakley Robbins (44:51):
I was at a very low point in my life two years ago, sophomore year, and I had the same mentality of, oh my God, I'm going to feel this way forever and it's never going to go away. And
Mel Robbins (45:07):
You need some water.
Oakley Robbins (45:08):
Yeah. I don't know what
Mel Robbins (45:09):
The hell is going on. He's getting emotional. Very profound. What you're about to say is that dad's water bottle.
Oakley Robbins (45:15):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (45:16):
You always steal dad's stuff
Oakley Robbins (45:18):
Because he is the best stuff. It's great. Okay. Yeah. It will 100% get better. I can promise you that sophomore year I was in a really dark place and my mentality was, well, if I have this mindset now, why would it ever go away? And over time, I still had the mindset a bit, and then slowly it was just more in the back of my mind. And I was like, oh, well, yeah, whatever. And then it just kind of went away. And so while it may be hard right now, I can promise you that in time it will get better because it always does.
Mel Robbins (46:03):
How do you support somebody that you love who has anxiety?
Oakley Robbins (46:07):
Well, I think everybody in our family has anxiety, right? I feel like they do.
Mel Robbins (46:15):
Well, first of all, anxiety is a part of life.
Oakley Robbins (46:18):
It is a part of life.
Mel Robbins (46:21):
It's when it's chronic. And everybody in our family has gone through periods where they've been stuck in a state of anxiety. And so how do you support somebody?
Oakley Robbins (46:31):
But the best way to support somebody with anxiety is just like, you got to be a bit of a rock for them. You got to let them know that you're there for them when they need you. And that sometimes you can't be there all the time. But it's important to let them know that you can be there to listen and that they're not alone when they're anxious
Mel Robbins (46:49):
And that this'll pass
Oakley Robbins (46:50):
And pass and things will get better and things will get better.
Mel Robbins (46:53):
What are some of your tips for how to deal with anxiety? Because you've struggled with anxiety? We have a profound number of questions from young adults, teenagers, college students,
Oakley Robbins (47:03):
Something that always works, which is hard to do when you're anxious. I get it. It's hard to take a chill. But to sit and plant your feet,
Mel Robbins (47:12):
Will you walk us through it?
Oakley Robbins (47:13):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (47:14):
What do you do? So walk us through what you do when you're anxious.
Oakley Robbins (47:15):
Okay. So I sit and I plant my hands on my thighs. I sit up straight, and then I take a few deep breaths with my eyes open. I do like with your eyes open the table drill. But I dunno if I could do that right now on
Mel Robbins (47:29):
The podcast. What's a table drill? I dunno what that is.
Oakley Robbins (47:31):
I've done that with you. Where you do your mentors and the wisdom and all that.
Mel Robbins (47:35):
Oh,
Oakley Robbins (47:36):
I don't know if I can do that right now.
Mel Robbins (47:38):
Sure. Do it.
Oakley Robbins (47:38):
Okay. I guess we're doing it. I'll do it for you. So what you do is you plant your feet, put your hands on your thighs or wherever, wherever, just like somewhere where they stop moving.
(47:49):
And then you just look around and you want to breathe in through your nose, just your nose and then out through your nose. And so you're just looking around. And then you do another one one more time. All right. And then after the third breath, you close your eyes and you keep breathing in and you just keep repeating, breathe in. And I actually invite you at home to join in if you want. If you're driving though, please don't close your eyes on the road. That would be bad. So you're just going to keep breathing in. And once you feel like you have gotten to a place where you can be a little centered, you think about a very big table. And just like the one in this video where I'm on this side and my mom's on that side, and you are sitting where I'm sitting, and across the table you see your mentors.
(48:53):
So your mentors are people who you look up to who you feel inspired by. And they can be real, they can be fictional. So if you really like a cartoon or you really like a movie actor, they can be someone you've never met. It really can be anybody that you just look to for guidance and wisdom. And so you imagine your mentors across the tail from you. You could have one, you could have 20. You could have a hundred. I mean, if you have a hundred, it's going to take a while, but you, yeah, you can. And so you're in this space, you're breathing in and out, and you see your mentors and you want to look at the mentor all the way to your left. And you just want to ask them in your head, do you love me? And you're going to go down the line and you're going to ask them all if they love you. So I'll give you guys a minute to do that. I'll do it too.
(50:02):
And so once you get down the line, you're going to go back to the beginning and you're going to ask, do you have any wisdom for me? And sometimes I like to think that the wisdom is just like the first thought comes to my mind when I'm asking them. So you look at them, you imagine their face, imagine if they're smiling, maybe they're frowning, and just hear what they have to say and go down the line and ask 'em if they have wisdom. And then once you feel that you've gotten your wisdom from your people, you're going to go back to the beginning yet again. And you're going to ask them if they love you one more time. And then when you feel ready, you can open your eyes and you can look around and appreciate your area. I already feel very like grounded now.
Mel Robbins (51:04):
I do too.
Oakley Robbins (51:05):
But
Mel Robbins (51:06):
Who's at your table?
Oakley Robbins (51:09):
I'm not going to tell you. It's why it's a little secret for me.
Mel Robbins (51:12):
Aw, that's beautiful.
Oakley Robbins (51:14):
So I think it's always good. And I always, that exercise always supposed to make you feel connected to people. And sometimes when you're anxious, you feel alone and disconnected. And so that's a good way to feel connected to people if you're not with them in that moment.
Mel Robbins (51:28):
That was beautiful.
Oakley Robbins (51:29):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (51:30):
Ok. Thank you so much for being here. I love doing this with you. And I also just love hearing your take on this stuff.
Oakley Robbins (51:38):
Yeah. I love sharing my 18-year-old brain with you.
Mel Robbins (51:44):
Well, you're the best. And you know what? You're the best. Thank you for being here and spending time with us. And in case no one else tells you, I'm going to tell you that I love you.
Oakley Robbins (51:52):
I love you too.
Mel Robbins (51:53):
And I believe in you.
Oakley Robbins (51:54):
I believe in you as well.
Mel Robbins (51:55):
And I believe in your ability to create a better life,
Oakley Robbins (51:58):
As do I.
Mel Robbins (51:59):
So go do it.
Oakley Robbins (52:00):
So go do it.
Mel Robbins (52:01):
All right. We'll see you in a few days.
Oakley Robbins (52:05):
Ow. That
Mel Robbins (52:06):
Was hard. Hey, YouTube, if you love this, you're going to love part two.
Oakley Robbins (52:11):
I bet.
Mel Robbins (52:12):
Hit it right here. Nice.
Resources
-
- Good advice from a legal resource about college bullying.
- The New York Times: How to cope when everything keeps changing.
- Child Mind Institute: Supporting kids through a divorce.
- UC, Berkeley: The power of journaling, according to research.
- University of Minnesota: Talking to your teens about alcohol.
- Psychology Today: How to know when it’s time to break up.
- Time Magazine: When it’s time to let go of someone you love.
- Harvard Business Review: How to build confidence at work.
- A Toolkit for Confidence: The Mel Robbins Podcast
- American Psychological Assoc: Mindfulness meditation for anxiety works.
- MIT: What nihilism is not.
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