3 Simple Steps To Change Your Life

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Two years ago when I turned 52, I was sucking wind. I woke up all alone. I felt lost and stuck and scared. Here's what was going on in my life. I had just been fired from my dream job. And look, I'd been fired from other jobs in the past when I was younger, but boy at 52, that really stings. Then with Covid, the speaking and event business came to a halt. And as a small business owner, I'm responsible for the livelihood and healthcare of 15 families, including my own. So I started to panic as the income dried up. I had no idea how I was going to continue to make payroll. And to add to that, I had people in my inner circle that betrayed me. They lied to me, they stole from me. So I just felt rocked because people that I trusted that I had counted on, had violated that trust.

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That's what made me feel so damn alone. Plus then college was canceled. Remember that? So we were all under the same roof with our three kids, two of whom were in college, and they were all anxious and angry and sad and grieving. I mean, it was like living with caged animals. I bet you felt a lot of these same things. And finally, my husband Chris, he had just been diagnosed with long-term depression. I mean, talk about a shitstorm. I felt like absolutely everything was spiraling out of control. So here I am on my 52nd birthday with all this going on, and I wake up in the bunk room at my mother-in-law's house where we're quarantining and I just started crying. The sadness that I had been trying to push down, it just poured out of me. And I instinctually picked up my phone and I just started filming how I felt.

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I figured someone out there on the internet would relate and maybe just maybe they might even be able to give me some encouragement back. Now, when we come back after a short word from our sponsors, I'm going to play that video that I made on my 52nd birthday. And you're going to hear that sad, lost Mel Robbins. And I want you to hear it because I want you to know I've been there and I've been there recently. And clearly if I'm where I'm at now, kicking ass, taking names, going after my dreams, doing better than ever, I know how to bridge the gap from where you are to where you want to go. And later in the episode, I'm going to share those three steps with you that I took to make powerful changes and reinvent my whole life so that you can use those same proven simple steps to make whatever changes you want in the next year of your life. We'll be right back. Hey.

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Alright, so today's my 52nd birthday. And normally on my birthday I wake up excited because I feel like I've just been handed a clean slate and the opportunity to create a brand new year. And I spend the day reflecting on the last couple of years, and I spend the day brainstorming about what I want to create this year. And this year is not a normal year. I did not wake up feeling excited. I woke up feeling lost because as I thought back over the last few years, it's been an incredible adventure.

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But i've experienced a tremendous amount of change in my professional and personal life that has just knocked me on my knees. From losing my daytime talk show to having my book contract rescinded to having the speaking business basically implode until at least another year from now to not being able to be with you face to face, to not being able to work with my team face to face. I just got rocked. And then on top of it, our son wanted to go to high school in Vermont. And so we are in the process of moving from the home that we've been in for over 20 years and raised our kids up to a very small town in southern Vermont where I know very few people and I feel very disconnected. The result of all this is I feel stuck in between two lives. My old life which has ended and a new life that I have yet to create for myself. When I look ahead to the future, I feel overwhelmed. I feel lost. I feel disconnected in some ways, I feel like I don't even know who I am. I feel so disconnected from the things that make me feel alive and happy.

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Oh my God, I was really lost. I mean, just hearing 52-year-old me sound like that, so sad. It just puts a pit in my stomach. Oh my God. And look, I can kind of laugh about it now because I'm on the other side of this thing, but when you're in it, it can be overwhelming. If I could go back in time and talk to the 52-year-old me, here's what I would do. I would say, first of all, that's a lot. You should have a good cry. Then I would give Mel a big huge hug because in moments like that, we need reassurance. But then comes a tough love. I'd be like, look, Mel, you got to remember who you are. You can face this. And then I would drop this quote on her. Hey woman, if you want to fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.

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Tony Morrison said that. And boy ain't that the truth. You got to give up the shit that weighs you down. And a lot of times, at least with me, what's weighing me down, it's my own attitude. And I know you can relate to that. I just hate that saying it is what it's no it isn't. It is what you make it to be. 

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And more importantly, to start doing the work to create the life I wanted. I believe that you are capable of changing. I do. I've just seen too much evidence over the course of my career, amazing changes that people just like you and me have made. So I know you're thinking, well, this is great, Mel, but where do I begin? So step number one, you begin by making a wish. Just like that moment on your birthday, when you close your eyes and wish for something to come true in this next year of your life right now, do the same. Close your eyes and think about the next year of your life. What do you want the next year of your life to look like? Begin by making a wish. That's how I began two years ago. Yep. My business was upside down. Kids were in shambles.

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My husband was struggling with depression and I was struggling with everything. I had to create a break from that moment of pain and allow myself to see something different. At the time, I had no idea what the new chapter of my life would be or could be. Here's what I did know. I don't want to stay in this one. And that's all you need to know. All you need to know is you don't want to stay in the place that you're in right now. That right there is a wish for something better. If you know what you don't want, it's very easy to change. As soon as you start removing or letting go of things that aren't working, you'll see all new possibilities. So let's go back to that video that I made on my 52nd birthday because once I laid it all out there, I instinctually laid out the three steps I was going to take.

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I made a wish. I identified some things that I could do that would make me feel a little better, and I also changed my attitude. And if I can do it. So let's go back to the rest of that video for my 52nd birthday. And you're about to hear 52-year-old Mel, wipe away the tears and start taking action. Here are the steps I'm going to take. Number one, self-awareness is critical. So recognizing that you feel lost or disconnected or suspended between your old life and your new life, overwhelmed, whatever you feel, it's so important to name it because when you name it, you bring it out of the feeling in your body and out into the world. And then you can do things to tame that feeling. Number two, the most important thing that you should do is move your body because all this negative emotion is trapped in your body right now, and it's only through exercise and motion that you'll move it out of your body and you'll change your emotional state.

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So I am going to go put on an exercise tape and work up a sweat. Will that solve all my problems? No, but it will put me in a better emotional state so that I can think more clearly and more optimistically and start to see solutions. Number three, the best advice about happiness is happy people do things that make them happy. And so after you move your body and you change your emotional state, do one thing that makes you happy. And for me, I'm going to go out and buy myself some beautiful flowers. I've been doing a lot of writing this morning, just dumping all my thoughts onto paper. And I think journaling out your thoughts is a really important thing to do when you feel stuck or overwhelmed or suspended. And then finally, continue to remind yourself that this is temporary. This is temporary.

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This moment is temporary. These feelings are temporary. This feeling of stuckness and overwhelm is temporary. Oh, oh, those sneezes are temporary. And I think the biggest thing about that mantra that this is temporary is so is your life. And maybe that's why birthdays are overwhelming because they always make you think about the timeline of your life. And so after you become self-aware and you move your body, which moves your emotions, and you do something simple that makes you happy, and you dump all your thoughts on a piece of paper, remind yourself that this is temporary. And force yourself to start dreaming again. Because when you give up on your dreams, you give up on yourself. And I think that's one of the reasons why I woke up feeling lost today. When I look ahead, I don't see anything I'm looking forward to because I haven't created something new to look forward to. And that's the secret. How you're feeling right now is a function of what you see in the future.

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And if you see overwhelm and a blank page and nothingness, that's how you're going to feel right now. And so I want you to dream big. I want you to put something on that paper that's out in that future that calls to you, that gives you something to look forward to go for. That's how you will pull yourself out of it. And that's how I'm going to pull myself out of this too. That's my birthday message, not really inspiring. It's authentic and it's real because this is where I am right now. I also know that despite how low I feel, I have a choice. I have a choice about what I do about it. I have a choice about who I'm going to be in the face of it, and I have a choice about what comes next. So by God, I'm going to 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, push myself to create a future that really empowers me. And I want you to do the same too. If you could do anything for me for my birthday, it would be for you to dream really big today, that would mean everything to me.

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I love you. Way to go. 52-year-old me, Mel. If you could only see where you end up two years later, you'd be so proud of yourself, woman. And you know what? When you follow these same three simple steps, you're going to be proud of yourself too. And I want to make sure you're not just listening along or watching this podcast episode on YouTube. I want to make sure you're able to apply these three takeaways and what you're learning in this episode to your own life right now. So let's recap what you've learned so far. You've learned about the fresh start effect and how temporal landmarks can trigger a whole new chapter in your life and unlock the intrinsic motivation that's inside you that's going to help you take action. Let's create your fresh start right now. Step one, you already heard this. Make a wish.

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Just ask yourself one powerful question, what do I want the next year of my life to look like? Number two, no matter how you feel, start taking the actions that align with what you want in your life. Stop making the mistake of waiting to feel happy or motivated before you take action. The secret, it's taking action first because if you can get moving, you can keep moving. And research shows that just a little boost in your mood impacts your productivity for the rest of the day. It impacts your focus. It gives you a little uptick in energy, taking actions that align with the bigger vision and the future. It taps into this huge body of research called behavioral activation therapy. Now, you're going to learn a tremendous amount about this therapy modality in future episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast. But here's how I'd summarize it for you.

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Act like the person you want to become in the future, no matter how you feel in the present moment. Look, I know it sounds simple, act like the future you, but this is grounded in decades of research and it works. This is how I've made every single change in my life. Once I figure out what I want to do or the kind of person I want to become, I figure out someone else in the world that's doing it and I just reverse engineer it. And that's how you create a brick path that leads from where you are right now to where that wish of yours wants to take you. And every morning wake up, take one action aligns with what you want or the person that you want to become, and you can consider that action. It represents one brick. And if you keep doing that day by day, brick by brick, action by action, you're going to look up a year from now and you'll realize, oh my God, I just paved a brick path leading to my dreams.

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What the heck? Right? And step number three, in making powerful change in your life, find the proof that you can do it. It's all around you. You just need to look for it. Find anyone that has the life that you want or that has made the change that you want to make. The relationship, the career, the body, the family, the friend group. Anytime you see someone who has already made the change you want to make in your life, tell yourself there's proof it exists. Use people as evidence that yes, you can have what you wish for too if you're willing to work for it. See people as a light on the path to your future self. For years, that was not me. I was the opposite. I did not see other people as lights on my path. I saw people as robbing me of the lights that I wanted.

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I had this really stingy, jealous and insecure attitude. If a friend of mine was renovating their kitchen, I would smile the tight smile that people have when they're faking a smile. And I'd go, oh, it's so raining. A lot of the white cabinets. But inside I was seething with jealousy. And the reason why is because I believed that somebody else's happiness or success somehow was robbing me of mine. It's the opposite. Their beautiful kitchen means if I can work for it, I can have one too. Their amazing relationships means I can create it too. Their success or the business they've built means it's possible for you too. This alone, if you just do this third step, this one mindset flip, it is a complete game changer. Here's how you do it. There is unlimited success, happiness and fulfillment in the world. You're not in competition with anyone.

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The only one that can rob you of the success, happiness, and fulfillment that you deserve is you and your excuses and fears and sitting around waiting to feel motivated. We're going to stop that today. Correct? Good, I'm glad you're listening because we're not doing that anymore. You're not going to wait six years to get started. You are going to start taking actions that align with what you want now and when you see other people as evidence of what's possible for you as you start seeing them, not as extinguishing your light, but lighting the path that you're now walking on, holy cow, talk about throwing gasoline on that internal fire of yours. And by the way, don't you ever forget you are a light on the path for someone else and you don't even realize it. So think about that for a second. You are just a step or two ahead of someone else. I mean, if you've grieved the loss of a loved one, if you've changed your career, if you've survived heartache, if you've sold a family home, if you've reinvented some aspect of your life, if you've lost weight, if you're able to live with depression, if you are the first in your family to graduate from college, your life experience proves to someone else that it's possible for them too. So you better make sure that as you start chipping away at your own wishes and goals, that you hold that light up a little bit higher for everybody that's behind you. 

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So step number one, you make a wish. You got to consider that question, what do I want my life to look like? Now, here's the truth, I couldn't answer that question two years ago when I was 52 sitting there crying in the bunk room. I had no idea. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't even know how to fix all my problems. And that's okay. You don't have to know the answers because those will come. But I did know I didn't want to stay feeling sad, and that's all I needed to start the change because step two is once you know one small thing, I don't want to feel so sad. I don't want to be lost on my birthday. Just take actions that align with that thing that you want. I want it to be happier. So I just focused on simple things I could do in that day to make me feel a little better.

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I get it. This isn't rocket science, but it works. But somehow when you start to apply this stuff, it does feel like rocket science because it does launch you somewhere else. So that day I exercised. I bought myself flowers, I watched some standup comedy specials on tv, so I would laugh a little. I just forced myself to do those things to start walking toward what I wanted, which was just to feel a little happier. And look, this stuff doesn't work overnight. It works over time. And so every day I just woke up and I kept making myself do the things that made me feel a little better, even though I didn't feel like it. Simple things, exercising, journaling. And I kept on contemplating that question, what do I want my life to look like? And over time, day after day, brick after brick, as I added in positive forward action aligned with feeling a little happier.

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And as I started to let go of things that were bringing me tension or sadness or friction, the answers started to emerge. I didn't want to travel so much for work. I didn't want to miss out on my son's high school the way I missed out on our daughter's high school experience. I wanted to get reconnected at a really deep level with my husband. I wanted to have time to see friends again and do things in the community. I didn't want to feel so damn busy and burnt out, and I didn't want to fall asleep with a to-do list on my mind and wake up every morning, panic stricken because of how much I had to get done. I wanted to simplify my life and get serious about being happier and more content in it. And as you ask yourself the question, what do you want your life to look like?

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Be patient. As I got clearer about what I wanted and then I aligned my actions with that new vision, I started acting like the person I wanted to become. Simplifying means saying, no. It means asking for help. And I chipped away day by day, and I started getting my mental health in order, slowed down, and I created an entirely different relationship with my husband. By jumping into therapy, I also started being more present with my kids. And through all these small changes, I realized something bigger. It was time to sell the house that we had raised our kids in for 26 years outside of Boston, Massachusetts and create a simpler life in southern Vermont. And as I started to say no and put what mattered to me first, I all of a sudden had more time to do what I really wanted, which is to launch this podcast because I wanted to forge a deeper connection with you.

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Brick by brick, I laid a path with my actions and now here I am. And if I can do it, you can do it. And that's why step number three is critical. Look for lights on the path. I looked for other people who had simpler business models, who had relationships and who were doing the fun things that I wanted to do, and I just let them light the way toward the future I wanted. I kept telling myself, if they can do it, I can do it. And if you don't have anyone in your life like that, someone that lights the way for you, let me be that person. Tell yourself if Mel Robbins can do it, then I can do it because it's true. I'm living proof that if I can do it, you can do it. Big change starts with small wishes. Like I want to feel happier.

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I tiny actions lead to massive transformation over time, psychologically speaking, those little daily moves forward that I was making, trying to just be a little bit happier moving toward the person I really wanted to become. It changes what you believe about yourself because doing the small things every single day, especially when you don't feel like it proves that you do have a choice about what you do and how you feel. And eventually as you do the small things that make you feel better and better and better, you will feel better and better and better. And as you see yourself taking these little actions, you start seeing yourself taking control and the momentum, the pride and the confidence builds inside you. That's what happened to me. And I know the same will be true for you.

Danielle (00:50:33):

Your birthday saved my life. The video made on your 52nd birthday was the first Mel video I had ever seen. And it was the last day of my life, or it would've been a couple years previously, I had made a pact with one of my best friends that if either one of us were thinking about suicide, we would call one another and we would talk as long as we needed. And at the end of the talk I had with him the night before, he made me promise him that I would give my life 24 more hours because a day can change everything is what he said. And the next day, late afternoon, waiting for night to come, YouTube said, I should watch your video. And I promised my friend 24 hours more, which I spent largely watching your videos, and I'm still here, and it sounds a little bit even silly, but I remember at one point in the video when she got to the point where she had laid it all out there, how she feels and what's going on that she said, so this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go out and I'm going to buy myself some flowers. And I was like, okay, I get that. I mean, happiness isn't like a goal that once you've completed all these things in your life that are wrong with it, then you're allowed to be happy. It's something that you actually have to try to do every day, and you can't just do this one little thing, and that can make today better than it was.

Mel Robbins (00:52:17):

I mean, come on now, don't you just love Danielle, and look, over the past year, Danielle has been slowly chipping away at creating a better life just like I have for these past two years. And just like you are going to do now that you've listened to this episode, see doing the little things every single day that align with where you're going and who you want to become. That's the secret. It works. The bottom line is you have the power to change your life, period. You have to act like the person you want to become before you feel like that person. And if I can do it, you can do it. Plain and simple. There are things that are locked in your heart and your mind and soul that are calling to you. Stop denying it. There are changes that you want to make. Stop ignoring those changes.

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The whole point of this episode is to get you to not only believe that change is possible for you, but to start taking the steps to make the change a reality. I want you to claim what you want by the end of this episode. I want you close your eyes and envision something amazing in this next year of your life because yes, you can change, and yes, you can take the actions that will make that change a reality. I mean, is it going to happen overnight? Of course not. But it'll change over time. And if you can make today just a little better, guess what? You can make tomorrow a little better. And if you can have a better day, then you can have a better week. And if you can have a better week, you can have a better month. And those months lead ultimately down the path to the life that you envision for yourself. You deserve to be happy. And I believe that you're listening to this episode right now with Mel Robbins because you are meant to. I mean, think you could have picked a million other episodes, but you are on this one right now with me. Why? Because you're supposed to hear this at this exact moment in your life.

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You needed the reminder that there is something bigger that is meant for you. You got so much amazing stuff to do with this next year of your life. You got dreams to fulfill. You got lives to change. Stop focusing your energy on the stupid crap that weighs you down. It does not matter Your past does not matter. The things that you're worried about. It doesn't matter. I mean, who cares if they didn't read your text? Who cares if you didn't get that job you applied for? Do you know how many jobs there are out there? It's time to see the bigger picture. It's time to focus on what you want. I know, I get it. It sucks when you get the courage to ask somebody out and they say no. Or you work for months trying to close a massive sale and it goes to somebody else, and it's an awful feeling to wake up and have the depression be overwhelming, and you're not going to feel like kicking ass today.

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You're going to feel like licking your wounds. I got it. And here's what I'm going to tell you. Have a good cry. Give yourself a hug and then dig deep and let Mel Robbins remind you of who you are. There is power inside of you to face this and to make it better. And you know it in those moments when you feel like you just got punched in the gut, you have power within you. You have the ability to create this fresh start to close your eyes, to envision what you want instead of surviving through what you have on those mornings. When you wake up with the weight of the world on your shoulders, wake up and get your ass out of bed. Get dressed. Get yourself out the door and do the things that make you feel slightly better. Start acting like the person you want to instead of the person you are today.

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Start taking actions that align with what you want in your life. It's only when you start to act before you feel ready that this turns around. I get it. You should have landed the funding. You did deserve the job. It does blow when you don't get into your dream school and your best friend does. But you know what? That's not going to stop you from getting what you want because you are going to pick yourself back up. You know that this is going to pass. You know that through your actions and your attitude, you can change where you're at and you know that you can make yourself feel a little bit better no matter what you're facing. And you can't tell me otherwise. Every single day when you wake up, the clock resets, the past expires and the future. It is yours to create. There is an open road. There is a blank page. There is a wish that you need to turn into a reality. Today is a gift. And you get to decide what you're going to do with that gift. Is it one day or day one you decide? You decide with the actions you take today you can change, and today is the day to prove it to yourself.

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Here's what you're going to do. I want you to time travel ahead of pretend you are in this life. You've done the work to make your wish, your reality. Now, turn on that voice memo and act like the future you, and tell the person today, what's life like a year from now? Describe it in detail. What's your day look like? What are you doing? What have you changed? How proud of you, how proud of yourself for you. Just like I told you what I would go back and say to the 52-year-old Mel, I want the future of you to say, you're going to be so proud of yourself. Let me tell you where all this hard work this next year ends up. And third, if you got anything out of this, please follow or subscribe to the Mel Robbins Podcast. That way these episodes will be right there, ready for you in your queue when they drop, and also, it's one of the biggest things that you could do to support me and the success of this podcast.

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Just follow the show. Finally, here's one other thing you could do. We talked a lot about lights on the path. Be one for someone else and share this episode with anybody that you care about that needs to hear this. And finally, please find the courage and the confidence that's within you. It's in there. You were born with it. When you go to make that wish and you close your eyes and that fresh start effect takes hold, I want you to imagine something big. Don't hold yourself back. Really go for it because here's the deal. You've now got Mel Robbins as a friend, and I'm going to be not only a light on the path, I'm going to be here every single week, twice a week as an essential part of you turning that wish into a reality. I'll bring the support, the encouragement, and I will certainly be celebrating you as you do the work to make that dream come true.

(01:00:32):

Every single episode of the Mel Robbins podcast, by the way, is not only released on every podcast network in audio. We got long form, uncut behind the scene, video versions as well, and all the resources, show notes, studies, absolutely everything that you could need to dig in deeper. It is all linked with every episode@melrobbins.com. Why are we doing that? Because change is hard enough and it is way more fun and a hell of a lot easier when you and I we do it together. And that's what I want to do. I want to make this fun and easy for both of us. I want you to feel connected as you're going after your goals. I want you to hold my hand as we go through the ups and downs of life because there is no avoiding the challenging moments. So how about we lock arms? Let's leave no one behind, and let's do this thing called life together. Oh, and one more thing from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

(01:01:33):

This 54th birthday has already been the very best birthday of my entire life because of you. Thank you for your support. Thank you for listening to this episode. Thank you for sharing the episode, and thank you on behalf of my team for having us debut at the top of almost every fricking chart around the world. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and your ability to create a life you truly love. Alright, now go blow out all those candles and make that wish come true. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.