Ask Mel

Hi Mel,

I love your show and respect your opinion. I’d love your thoughts on a situation that happened at my son’s school. Another parent approached my five year old son at the sand table while he was with 3 other boys, one being the child of this parent. He told my son that if he bothered his son “he would kick my son’s ass”. I has already left the classroom but there were other parents in room and the teacher was there as well. One of the children went to the teacher told him, teacher asked my son and my son confirmed details. Teacher contacted parent – parent admitted his words but could not say why he would say such a thing because there have been no instances between his child and my son. There have been no instances with my son and any other child for that matter. This was completely out of the blue. Teacher can’t figure out why; there have been no instances in the classroom between the two kids. Teacher thinks perhaps child is telling parent when he comes home. I met with teacher and principal and have stated that I don’t want parent allowed in classroom in the interim until this can be resolved. I want to understand why another parent would do that.

Here is my question…I told the principal that I want an apology from the parent to my son. Reason being, I don’t want parent to be in classroom thereafter or near my son and not have to apologize for his words. I think that is a way to show my son that people make mistakes but we can forgive them.

Am I letting this parent off easy? Should I ask that he be banned from classroom? I wouldn’t want to do that to his son (not being able to have dad in classroom). First and foremost is my son’s safety, secondly I don’t want my son to be uncomfortable in his classroom either. I am going to talk to my son more about subject but is the apology too much for a five year old to handle? Principal stated some parents dont want any interaction at all but how is that possible if my son would see him thereafter. I think that would be more awkward to have him around and never have him address the issue. I want my son to know that no one is allowed to speak to him that way – and that they will be held accountable.

Any thoughts? I appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Nina

Nina -

I’m so sorry to hear what you and your son have been through. It makes me so sad that your son was spoken to and threatened this way in kindergarten! That’s insane! I think you are showing extraordinary restraint and logic and are doing this exactly right. You are smart to get the school involved and you are being very reasonable.

I’m shocked that this father hasn’t already called you to apologize, but some people are just assholes or if we give him the benefit of the doubt perhaps he’s just too embarrassed and just figure out what or how to apologize.

The only thing I would do differently is ask to be present and that the apology be orchestrated BEFORE he is allowed to volunteer in the classroom again. I want your son to feel safe. You want to be there when this apology happens so your son feels safe and you also want to make sure that the teacher is there too so that you have a witness and school representative present. Ask the principle for suggestions on how to handle this. You want the school to take a zero tolerance hard line and that allows you to just be a concerned but understanding parent. It is their job to keep kids safe – so they need to be the ones that organize this….

I hope this helps and I wish you the best. Do not hesitate to ask if you need anything….thanks for trusting me with this question.

Mel

Hi Mel,

I’ve been listening to you on the radio for the last year or so. I love your honest, blunt style. I’m pretty honest myself when it comes to giving my opinion. So I was wondering if you could help me understand why I’m so bothered and so verbal about the following: I have three best friends, we range in age from 42 to 50 we’re very close and have been for the past ten years. Two of my friends work for a plastic surgeon for the past 5 years – they started out with botox, fillers, then moved to eyelifts, then tummy tucks and now facelifts – I’ve been very verbal about how dead set against all these procedures -they’re so young and they’re starting to look a bit ridiculous, I’ve had many people, including my family ask what the heck they had done and how they didn’t look real. Long story short, I feel like we’re moving in different directions, with not much in common and I’m not sure I even like what they are becoming, they’re extremely vain and sometimes a bit hard to be around. I’ve tried to figure out why i get so upset when they have these procedures, the facelift is putting me over the edge. I’ve asked myself if I’m jealous, or insecure about myself and I can honestly say I’m not. Do you have any insight to why this bothers me so much? Sorry for the long story, I appreciate your time.

Jen– thanks so much for writing!

I actually got botox this past summer, but the doctor screwed it up and I looked like an alien! My family made me swear I’d never “do that to my face again” so, trust me, I know what you’re talking about.

Anyway, the bottom line here is that behavior is contagious, so I’m not surprised to learn that they started to get these procedures after being surrounded by them on a daily basis. They became part of a new world and their focus shifted. When someone surrounds his or herself with anything, they tend to adopt the opinions and choices they are surrounded by.

I do believe you’re not jealous or insecure. What I see is that you’re disappointed and experiencing a mourning process being so distant from people you were very close to at one point.

You want your friends to be happy, but you’re missing the feeling of being connected to people you love. You have two choices. Either figure out how to reconnect with them and drop the judgment. Otherwise, you need to move on. If you love them, try taking a step back and bring empathy to the situation. Then consider your own goals. If you want to improve your life and you’re hanging out with people you don’t admire, that’s not good. Look back fondly on the times you all spent together, be gracious when you see them and start spending your time with friends whose choices and decisions you admire.

Mel

Divorced father trying to get through to two teenagers with a mother that’s been their friend instead of a parent. 17-15yr. olds with credit cards, new car and no guidiance. I listen to you on 96.9 saturdays; I have great respect for you – I agree with you 70% of time…30% is that Mental Disorder “Liberalism”. I hope you get this; I need some advice.

Thanks,
Chris

Wow – that’s a tough one! She’s buying their love – because she feels bad about the divorce. You need to not invalidate mom – but instead just spend as much time with the girls – “getting them” – as you can. You must position yourself as the person they can talk to about anything – no judgment, no punishment…just the one who is a parent, not a bank. With you, it’s all about substance, not shopping.

Hope this helps,

Mel

Hi Mel,

I’m a fan of your show and love your straightforward way about things. I’d like to ask your advise on something. I’ll get straight to the point. When I was a preteen or 13 I touched my sister while she was sleeping. We had the same bedroom and beds were 3 feet away. I touched her private parts. She is 1 yr. younger than me. I don’t know if she was asleep or not but I think so. I believe I did it because I wanted to know what a girl had. It was wrong and at times when I think of it I feel really guilty. We have a good relationship now and both in our forties. Should I ask her to forgive me about this or just let it lie? I have asked forgiveness from God but is this enough? Should I pursue this to the end? Do you think it would just make a total wreck of our relationship? I value your opinion. Thanks.

Thanks so much for trusting me with this issue. Obvious this weighs on you greatly and you need to do what you can to heal yourself. I live by a policy of 100% disclosure. In the end, it is always easier to just have things out in the open. Look at Scott Brown’s admission today that a camp counselor had sexual abused him and what a burden it was. It takes courage to come forward – whether you are the victim or the one who’s victimizing.

If you had just lifted your sisters nightgown and “checked her out” – I might advise you to tell her in a manner that just says its been bugging you for years that you did such a creepy thing but it was curiosity, blah, blah, blah….Scott Brown made you think of it….etc. and then go work through the issues of shame and guilt that you feel privately with a therapist.

I think what you should do is go talk to a therapist and sort through it. In the Boston area, I like Dr. Charles Foster – you can use my name. www.drcharlesfoster.com

You need to get support and you deserve to be free of this shame. Everything is recoverable in. Let me know if you want to discuss this further – and thank you for reaching out. It’s time to get this off your chest. You know I’m always here for you.

Mel